Who's Counting? 1,2,3... 34?

(Picture from OABI)

By Karen Rae Elkins

Putting a number on the number of offenses you will endure from an intimate partner before you attempt to report the abuse, takes my breath away. I was talking to an Ontario Provincial Police Officer, a woman who worked the domestic violence unit. She said studies show a woman does not report the abuse until the 34th offense. Thirty Fourth, 34 x's, Mid-thirties, any way you write it or say it, 34 is 34 times too many. That's like finishing 34th in a tournament of 34 boats.

So what happens between the first violent act and the 34th? A whole bunch of excuses, accusations, and threats that stack up until they cast a shadow over the light of day. Your memory becomes dull so that the pain you feel is replaced with a distant numbness. Your ability to communicate you feelings seems to be under constant attack. You carry the fear of failure because you are, according to the abuser, "A disappointment", "A failure at everything that brings you joy or happiness".

For me, I just got bold and said, no more. It was 2005 when my boat left the Mad Winds of just taking it. The time had come to lay low on a lake somewhere and work through the creeks of right and wrong. I never returned, never considered going back. My disbelief had mushroomed into lying: lying to myself, and lying and others. The proof that he was abusive was there the first time. Each event might have been a different strategy of abuse or a reflection of the older stuff. Like the weather, it changed, like a stretch of domino's my spirit fell, and fell, and fell, until it lay motionless on the floor.

The last time would be just that, the last time. I promised myself I would leave, I didn't like the way I was living. I waited for a change that I would never see. I didn't know at the time that abuse never changes. There will always be a next time, and a time after that time, and a whole bunch of regretted past times.
Who's counting? Are you dwelling in abuse? Have you figured out where you are on this scale? Are you willing to acknowledge the survivor in you? Women just like you and me have survived through the ages. With all honesty, ask yourself, "Will I survive until the 34 th offense? What about the one's who never see the 34th chance to report a crime was committed? Be a part of their voice, share in building a life without violence in their memory.

If this is your time to say no more, seek the advise of professionals in the field. Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous. The chances of retaliation come swiftly after you leave. Be smart and survive because you want to... Because you can.

Fish steady in all you do. Love from Lake St. Fransis, in the peaceful fishing town of Salaberry de Valleyfield, Quebec, Canada.

One last thought before I fish:

Today is my birthday! My birthday wish for you is that the river of protection flow over you while the call to leave stirs in your soul. Tomorrow, I compete in one of the largest tournaments in Canada, the Berkley B-1. Anglers from 4 provinces and the U. S. compete for the opportunity to B the 1, be the winner. I am fishing with Pro Kasey Fedoriw, my future husband and best friend. If you are reading this note from me, it's not to late to Be The One who wins by leaving your abusive partner. I'm not shooting for 34 th place, anymore. When I left my situation a desire to finish first was born.

Karen Rae Elkins is a survivor of intimate partner violence as well as a professional women's angler.  She has always been an inspiration to others, assisting and advising through her advocacy and example.

Male Survivors Are Victims Too

By Lavinia Masters

He sat on the edge of the hospital bed clothed only in a thin hospital gown that opened from the back. His face was that of a frightened little boy that was in fact a tormented young man. The police stood over him as they wrote out his horrendous account if his traumatic acts of sexual violence against him. As his aunt sat quietly in the corner you could not only see the pain in her eyes but the vacant expression as she wondered how could her own family member manipulate, abuse and sodomize their own flesh and blood?

He was only 14 years old and the abuse had began at the tender age of 8 years old when the abuser uncle had moved in with his other aunt and uncle that he now resided with. He had to move in with his relatives because he had already suffered enough in a home of a mother that was a crack addict and a man that he only knew as a “dead beat dad”. He had already come from hell… only to coexist with the devil himself.

The night I entered that hospital room, I had to do a double take because although I knew that sexual abuse was not a known discriminator, I had never personally encountered a male victim myself. There before me was a young boy that just wanted to be normal yet did not want to cause any further harm or destruction to his family. Why did he try to take on such a major responsibility? Why did he feel that he was the one that needed to protect the family especially after what his family has taken him through? He was just a boy and as I looked at him on the edge of that bed, I was able to see that he was no longer a young boy that was sodomized by his uncle in a disgusting act of sexual abuse but that he was another child that had been a “victim” of sexual abuse.

Male survivors of sexual abuse are more prevalent than what I think we actually know and want to believe. It is the same as we know and realize that the counts of sexual violent crimes against children are not only high but alarming and over 50% of them are not reported. The effects of sexual abuse can be very confusing for children. For a child, it often involves being used or hurt by a trusted adult. The child might learn that the only way to get attention or love is to give something sexual or give up their self-respect. No child should have to live this way…female or male.

I watched this young man tell his story as I felt the horror that he tried to hide with a face of numbness. My heart connected with his…not only as a survivor of sexual violence but as a mother that was grieving for her child. He needed to know that everything that happened to him over the course of the last 6 years was not his fault and in spite of it all that everything was going to be alright. He needed someone to listen openly and judge silently. He wanted someone to say I am here for you physically and be there for him mentally and spiritually…he needed me.

When the police finally made their reports and prepared for the arrest of this monster that was known to him as his uncle… the SANE nurse finally came to take him away for his exam. He looked to me as if he needed some form of approval from me and as I nodded my head, I told him that he will be alright and to trust that the nurse would not harm him. With that she rolled him away and I along with his aunt awaited his return to the room. As I watched him being wheeled away I could not help but think about my own son having to face a gruesome destiny such as this.

He entered this world as an innocent child but is living the life of an adult that has endured many afflictions. He did not ask for the abuse nor did he ask for the hurt or shame but unfortunately this was hand the hand that he was dealt and his job now is just trying to survive. He was a young man born of a woman and he is now a young victim scarred by the affects of sexual violence. The abuse saw no gender, the abuse saw no age, the abuse only saw an opportunity and the abuse violated a child and left him living the life of a victim.

He returned to the room and in his eyes I saw the same look of re-victimization that I had when through at the age of 13 years old after my SANE exam following my assault. I shared this painful story with him and I told him that I knew what he was going through. Perplexed was the next look I received as he tried to comprehend the peace that now took over my demeanor after enduring sexual violence as a child. I explained to him all my past feelings and disgusts but that now I am just as normal and at peace after my own “healing” after sexual trauma and assured him that he could be too.

We talked awhile longer and as he shed a few tears he was able to replace them with laughter because he now realized that as we shared openly that he had begun to unlock the chains that had locked him in his silence for far too long! In that moment he saw that he was able to rise above the hurt, humiliation and trauma that sexual abuse caused. He had actually begun to feel free, he had actually began to believe that he could become whole again and that if he could just hold on a little while longer that everything would be restored.

As I prepared to depart that night, I gave him a teddy bear and packet of resources and referrals to get him started on his road to recovery. I then gave him a hug and as he squeezed me tightly with a heart full of gratitude, he said I love you… and at that moment I believed that male survivors can be victims too. This is a myth that has been instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the "macho image," declaring that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. When in all honesty, boys are children…and just like girls they are weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators.

So you can imagine how I applaud and thank Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry as they bring over 200 men together to speak up and out about their abuse. I am also excited that I am not a lone ranger in offering support and prayer to male survivors as they battle with the many demons of sexual trauma because unfortunately males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must "tough it out" in silence. No one should have to suffer or “tough it out” in silence…especially a child…whether it’s a boy or a girl.

When rain falls it does not know whether it is falling on all the little boys or little girls in the world such as the sun shining…gender has never been a reason for it to discriminate. Moreover the moon gives light to all that is under its covering as well as the stars share their illumination upon every species in this world. So is the devastating and non discriminatory ways of sexual abuse…when it affects one it affects us all. Remembering as an advocate we are to advocate for justice, healing, empowerment, awareness and peace for all victims…including males.

Empowerment for the Next Generation

By Lyn Twyman 

A quote from John F. Kennedy goes "We have the power to make this the best generation of mankind in the history of the world or to make it the last ". The future of our families and our country lies in our young people. We want our children to succeed. We want our young people to outlive us and become successful in every aspect of their lives. When it comes to protecting our young people and their hearts, not just in regard to love but their entire being, they are truly fragile. Remember when you were little how you looked for approval from your mom or dad, maybe an older brother or sister, or someone that you looked up to for things like a stick figure drawing you created, a mud pie or even the first level you beat in a Nintendo game? Our young people seek our approval which makes them budding sources of energy and change but also very vulnerable to bad influences.

If we want our young people to succeed we have to plot out a path that demonstrates success. Plotting that path does not mean that we are loaded with tons of money, the first and best of electronics nor does it mean that we force them into a career just to satisfy our own desires. It simply means that we lead by example, good examples that we live by that they can follow. No matter what, we are all creatures of repetition.

Psychologists call the first 10 years of a child's life The Magic Years. That is when a child will learn and develop who he/she is and his character. Often the essence of an individual, their temperament, their drive, their motivation becomes set for the remainder of their life during The Magic Years, that crucial window of opportunity for learning, growth and development. The Magic Years for a child largely formulates from their environment. As people, we will emulate follow what we see and hear that goes on around us good or bad.

How do we help this next generation not fall prey to violence, victimization and unhealthy relationships or become abusive? What do we want to tell the next generation about empowerment? What does empowerment consist of? Empowerment consists of the same areas we talk with victims of domestic violence about when we are trying to help them rebuild their lives. These areas are self esteem, healthy relationships, mental health, physical health, finances, education, self defense and spiritual well being. These should also be the same areas we work with our young people on as well to not only keep them from becoming victims but to live well rounded lives, healthy lives. These areas are often missing by many parents, just brushed over or completely skipped to let the young person play their favorite Xbox game, spend the day at the mall with the kid from school they barely know or maybe to avoid some personal guilt. As parents and caregivers of young people, we must live and operate proactively, not reactively, and by example.

Helping to empower this next generation also means that we should educate ourselves and show our young people that we are not afraid to learn, not that we know everything. So if you lack skills in the financial area schedule sometime with your local bank representative to learn how to save an invest better. If you do not know self defense, sign up for a class that you and your young person can take together. If you come from a background where your family life was abusive, go to a family counselor or holistic therapist for a few sessions to get a better understanding of how your past affects you.

Helping to empower our young people means coming out of our shells and stepping out on a much greater plain, challenging our own selves and perhaps some of our own demons. It is not an easy path but a path worth taking if we are truly concerned about giving our young people the tools to succeed in the immediate and throughout the rest of their life. For many children, younger and older, the knowledge and wisdom you have to share in the 8 areas I previously mentioned could be life or death. There will always be children that fail but at the end of each day ask yourself these questions, "Did I lead by example? Did I do everything I could do?" Let that be your guide to see how well you are working to empower this next generation.

Heeding And Taking A Stand

By Anny Jacoby

With the holiday season in "high gear", shopping until you drop, cooking and baking, dinners and celebrations and the new year approaching I felt it only appropriate to address awareness causes that pertain to victimization. And, what can you do for others and yourself.


Awareness months are a result of presidential proclamations suggesting their importance which recognizes special months, weeks or days as symbolic statements that highlight causes, interest groups and diseases that an administration thinks deserves attention. Many proclamations date back decades and are updated periodically. To achieve an awareness month, you simply have to ask. Requests usually go through the Office of the Public Liaison, and the proclamations themselves are written by the office of the staff secretary. It helps to have a cause that fits snugly into a current president's worldview. Yes, it also helps to have some connection in the government.


Personally, the following awareness months are dear to my heart and mission:

• January - National Personal Self-Defense Awareness Month
• January - National Stalking Awareness Month
• April - National Sexual Assault Awareness Month
• April - National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month
  
• June - National Internet Safety Awareness Month
  
• September - National Human Trafficking Month
  
• October - National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
• October - National Cyber Security Awareness Month

Not only during the above months should we take heed or take a stand but every day of your life you should be aware and proactive - awareness is the first step to any form of personal safety or self-defense. It all begins with you.


The terms "personal safety/self-defense" definitely do not make us feel all warm and fuzzy but it is extremely vital to have the knowledge about, even if it is only a "little". Just knowing a little can literally save your life or that of a loved one. Personal safety is extremely important for females because we tend to be the safety advocates for our families, friends and peers but we must not forget about ourselves.


Whenever I speak or teach I ask, "what does the words "personal safety or self-defense" mean to you"? The answer that I hear over and over is, "it has something to do with defending ourselves from someone who is physically attacking us". On the contrary, personal safety begins with mental defense. It is imperative to learn what the warning signs and red flags in domestic violence are as abuse begins with emotional, mental, verbal, spiritual, financial abuse and much more (power and control). There is nothing wrong with being pro-active and putting your safety before anything or anyone else.


Most people think that personal safety/self-defense is hurting your attacker before he/she can hurt you. On the contrary, the most important part of personal safety is doing everything possible to AVOID fighting someone who threatens or attacks you, AVOIDING potentially harmful conditions. Personal safety/self-defense is about outsmarting attackers, not always outfighting them.


This is not to say that you shouldn't be prepared in case of an attack. Consider training to learn valuable defense techniques, mentally and physically. Generally a person may use reasonable force when it appears reasonably necessary to prevent an impending injury. A person using force in self-defense should use only so much force as is required to repel an attack. Ultimately, the goal in personal safety is to not need to use physical defense but if you do, escape with little injury to yourself as possible.


The National Crime Prevention Council sends a loud message as to how to avoid undesirable situations to name a few:

• Understand your surroundings. Stay in areas that are open, well lit and well traveled.
• When possible, travel in a group - use the "buddy system".
• Make sure that your friends and parents know your basic schedule, where you are going and with whom; that you arrived safely and what time to expect you home.
• Your body language shows a sense of confidence - use it. Look like you know where you are going, be and remain alert.
• When riding on public transportation, sit near the driver and stay awake. Assailants look for vulnerable targets.
• Always carry a cell phone, in a holder on your clothing - not in the bottom of your purse or in a pocket. Make sure that it's programmed in speed dial with numbers of a few friends/family members and 911.
• If you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, trust your instincts. Heed to them, trust them as your instinct seldom fails you.
• Focus on what to do instead of what not to do.

Personal safety/self-defense can be warm and fuzzy once you learn what it really means and how to use it to your advantage. Give yourself permission and allow yourself to become strong mentally and emotionally which in turn will result in an outward expression of confidence. Assailants prey on weaknesses.

With January being a new fresh start in many ways it is also a time for reflection and revisions.What a better time to learn to respect ourselves? With it being time for renewal and new beginnings it is a perfect time to say:


"Yes" to ourselves


"Yes" to our self-esteem


"Yes" to our awareness


"Yes" to our self-respect


"Yes" to improving both our mental and emotional well-being


"Yes" to learning how to physically protect and defend ourselves




Wishing everyone a wonderful, Blessed Holiday season; a prosperous and healthy New Year.


Take care and STAY SAFE!

Self-Worth; Fight For It, Damn It!

By Anny Jacoby

Why do so many women feel that they are not worthy? How did they lose their self-worth? Is it because of the way the world has portrayed a perfect women "today"? Is it because someone took it from them? Is that the void some fill by over eating? Did their partner breach a trust? Did their partner demean them with insults about how they look? Did their partner admire other women? Did they grow up being ridiculed by a family member? Have they been suffering from a controlling illness? Were they bullied and criticized through their school years? Were they sexually abused as a child? Were they laughed at in a moment of vulnerability? Were they ever raped or abused?

"Self-worth" is a word that is so much easier to say and spell than it is to feel.

All of the above experiences mentioned and so many more play a major part of pouring a woman's self-worth right down the toilet. The people causing these kind of negative actions are totally responsible for destroying and tearing down a woman's worth. To destroy or tear down a woman's self-worth is one of the cruelest ways to treat a human being. It is a no win situation for that woman. She cannot fight back. She is attacked blindfolded. Humiliation has succeeded - the battle is won. Anyone can win against innocence. When the battle turns around is when the true win begins. A true win is when a woman who has lost her self-worth stands up and takes the control back.

You are not responsible for falling or losing the battle. But YOU ARE TOTALLY responsible for getting back up. It is you that has to pull it together. You need to go back as far as you can in your mind that puts a smile on your face, remembering those "warm and fuzzy", happy times. If you can't then think of someone that you know that is hurting more deeply than yourself and use that as your motivation. Allow yourself to go there in your mind. Use these thoughts to give you reason to get up. Your self-worth IS worth fighting for.

Yes, perhaps you have been hurt, disappointed and raped of one of your most sacred emotions, SELF-WORTH. NOW YOU WANT IT BACK, SO TAKE IT BACK! It is right inside of you. You just have to bury the memories and pain under all of your dirty laundry. You can continue to feel empty, use drugs, alcohol or even food to fill that void inside of you. You can miss out on life because you are forgetting to fight and it is so much easier to have a pity party.

You can worry about if you try to gain back your self-worth that you will fail and feel even more lonely. You may fail the first try, second or even the third. You feel that it's all hopeless. If you give into that feeling, then you are truly letting yourself down as well as others that love and care for you. YOU have now become responsible for losing your chance at regaining YOUR self-worth. You are allowing whatever it was that tore you apart in the first place to take control of all of you and your soul. You are allowing a memory to defeat you. There is no person there, just a thought. Why are you doing this? You know that you can stop it. You know how!

The strength of negative thinking is overwhelming and controlling in itself. I have felt it's power many, many times. Honestly, to the point that I could hardly feel myself breath. That was when I knew that I, and only I could stop it and take back the control of MY DESTINY.

For those that have been through a battle and are struggling or may have struggled to just get up on an elbow, feeling empty inside and so alone that you wonder why you even got up today............YOU CAN AND WILL BEAT THIS!

GAINING BACK YOUR SELF-WORTH

You must look inside of yourself and dig for the real you. Don't dig for the you has been scarred, wounded or hurt but the you that can smile, laugh and appreciate all of the good things in life. If you will just open your positive side and allow the great things to reach you the feeling will truly be uplifting. The more positive thoughts that you fill yourself with, the less negative thoughts can't nor won't survive.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off; you must move onto HABITS - positive habits of thinking. You must also be honest with your bad habits, what they are and where they are taking you. Identify them and how they are bringing you down, instead of up. The bad habits you have allowed to run your life. Now, as you have invited them in, you will un-invite them.

You must reconstruct your thought patterns to think WIN, not to lose. Immediately remove the words, "give up" from your vocabulary and replace them with "NEVER GIVE UP!" You must make a new commitment to yourself, the only one that you can reach out and touch!

You will always be stronger than your greatest weaknesses. Those weaknesses will never win again against your strengths..........NEVER!

To strengthen the mental you, you must strengthen the physical you. I am not referring to becoming a body builder or a full bore athlete. I simply mean a healthier you, A YOU THAT YOU WANT TO BE!

You must always remember, whatever it was that brought you down in yourself is in the past. If you continue to allow the pain to live inside of you, you will suffer. The past is over and there is no suffering on your part that will erase it. Get on with life. Reach deep inside of yourself and bring back the who YOU are.

Bring back the person YOU can smile in the mirror at.

Bring back the person YOU talk to all of the time.

Bring back the person that YOU were meant to be.

Bring back YOU, and then.......YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SELF-WORTH BACK - FIGHT FOR IT, DAMN IT!

"You can't conquer what you can't confront."

Take care and STAY SAFE!

The Empowerment Of Understanding Fear - Don't Allow It To Steal Your Dreams

By Anny Jacoby

Whether you get stung by a bee or simply watch as a friend gets stung, you might start to run and hide every time a bee buzzes across your path. Why do you do this? It turns out that your brain areas that respond when fear is learned through personal experience are also triggered when we see someone else afraid. This definitely explains why some people are afraid of things like spiders and snakes despite little contact with them.

You learn fear by observing other people's emotional expressions that can be as effective as having direct experiences yourself. This certainly explains one of the reasons why a lot of people have phobias of certain kinds of stimuli, such as rape, assault, abuse, stalking, abduction and much more. Just the thought of the aforementioned makes individuals extremely uncomfortable and justly so.

Fear is defined as an emotional response to an unknown or impending danger or as in expectation of harm or evil. Fear can create feelings of apprehension, anxiety, alarm, dread, fright or terror. When you are in fear, you are scared of someone, something or a potential outcome.

We all experience fear at one point in time or another. Actually, fear is a great way to keep us from hurting ourselves. Fear keeps us from putting our hand on the hot burner of the stove. It keeps us from jumping from high places, or leaves us tentative when going into a darkened room. These types of fears are good. They keep us safe. They make us think before we do, knowing full well the potential outcome and repercussions of our actions.

We can experience fear of closed in spaces such as elevators, afraid of the water or flying in airplanes. Fear is a reaction or response to some previous life experience or trauma or even the thought of any potential dangerous situation. Fear can impact us in many ways and it can steal our dreams. The bottom line is.......fear takes away our choices. It can keep us from doing the things we want or need to do for ourselves. It limits us, constrains us and can end up ruling our lives. It can consume our energy and enjoyment of life, leaving us experiencing additional unexplainable stress, frustration or feeling just plain stuck in the mud.

Being in or living in fear is all about choices. You can choose to move forward, or you can choose to stand still marking time.

Fear does not have to be a "freeze" mechanism that prevents a beneficial reaction. One must decide what frightens you more - being dominated, injured or killed by an assailant/batterer, or taking a risk and fighting back. You may hurt yourself somehow by protecting yourself against your assailant, his knife might nick your ear, a bullet from his gun may graze your head, or you might end up with bruises and your body sore; but you're chance of being alive is much greater than not. Learning personal safety (realistic self-defense) mentally and physically is a means to escape and ultimate survival. If you are too scared to react defensively and decide to remain under an assailant's control - he will have his way with you. Your mind can be more dangerous than your assailant. You must turn your fear into an effective reaction thus allowing yourself to be empowered.

Psychological fear leads to doubt and hesitation. Unchecked it can result in anxiety and/or panic. When you begin to doubt yourself you start to think, "What if I lose?", "What if I get hurt?". Thoughts of this sort must be eliminated from your vocabulary. You must remain positive, assertive and focus on the ability to motivate yourself=empowerment.

Miraculous things happen to those who consciously choose to overcome your fears and embrace them. You gain certainty in your safety skills, abilities and downfalls.

What do you fear? Perhaps it's time to turn on the light and step through the door of empowerment.

"Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out."

-----Karl A. Menninger

Take care and STAY SAFE!