Keeping Secrets

By Gaétane Borders, Ed.S. 

I recently watched Tyler Perry’s film titled I Can Do Bad All By Myself, which stars Taraji P. Henson. I was unaware of the rollercoaster ride of emotions I was about to experience, as the movie deals with all sorts of issues ranging from death, love, abandonment, addiction, and sexual abuse. I was very happy to see how this latter issue was handled on screen because I realize that in reality it is not dealt with in this way. Despite the fact that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are molested before the age of eighteen, people don’t seem to acknowledge how prevalent this epidemic is. The reason…we stay silent.

The truth is that more than 25% of you who are reading this have been sexually abused. Another reality is that only a small percentage of you disclosed this to your parents. So why don't children tell? One would think that they would run, yelling and screaming, to their parents if someone had molested them. But this is generally not the case. One reason may be because the abuser has brainwashed them to stay silent and to keep this horrific secret from those that can help. Another reason may also be that oftentimes the abuser is a family member (ie. Parent), and the child is urged not to “air the dirty laundry” to others even after the abuse is revealed.

I applaud public figures such as Tyler Perry, Mackenzie Phillips, Monique, Oprah, Todd Bridges, Don Lemon, Janice Dickinson, and the many others who have shared their very personal stories of abuse. Their courage to speak out encourages others to do so as well, and enables other victims to see that they are not alone. So, if your son or daughter tells you that someone has touched them inappropriately don’t tell them not to tell others. All that does is send a message to them that they did something wrong or that they should be ashamed. Silence only protects the abuser. They want you to stay quiet and allow them to roam freely. Don’t help them….help your child instead.

Since most children do not disclose the abuse to their parents, it is very important to watch for warning signs. I stress the importance of being attuned to any changes in your child's behavior because this will tell you a lot! Young children will often regress by wetting the bed, sucking their fingers, not eating. Elementary school age kids often demonstrate excessive fear of certain people, masturbate excessively, have nightmares, and will withdraw from people. In the teen years, kids may become promiscuous, experiment with drugs, be depressed, and may also have suicidal thoughts. You should be concerned if you see any of these behaviors, and begin asking questions.


Gaétane F. Borders, Ed.S., ABD

President, Peas In Their Pods

Male Survivors Are Victims Too

By Lavinia Masters

He sat on the edge of the hospital bed clothed only in a thin hospital gown that opened from the back. His face was that of a frightened little boy that was in fact a tormented young man. The police stood over him as they wrote out his horrendous account if his traumatic acts of sexual violence against him. As his aunt sat quietly in the corner you could not only see the pain in her eyes but the vacant expression as she wondered how could her own family member manipulate, abuse and sodomize their own flesh and blood?

He was only 14 years old and the abuse had began at the tender age of 8 years old when the abuser uncle had moved in with his other aunt and uncle that he now resided with. He had to move in with his relatives because he had already suffered enough in a home of a mother that was a crack addict and a man that he only knew as a “dead beat dad”. He had already come from hell… only to coexist with the devil himself.

The night I entered that hospital room, I had to do a double take because although I knew that sexual abuse was not a known discriminator, I had never personally encountered a male victim myself. There before me was a young boy that just wanted to be normal yet did not want to cause any further harm or destruction to his family. Why did he try to take on such a major responsibility? Why did he feel that he was the one that needed to protect the family especially after what his family has taken him through? He was just a boy and as I looked at him on the edge of that bed, I was able to see that he was no longer a young boy that was sodomized by his uncle in a disgusting act of sexual abuse but that he was another child that had been a “victim” of sexual abuse.

Male survivors of sexual abuse are more prevalent than what I think we actually know and want to believe. It is the same as we know and realize that the counts of sexual violent crimes against children are not only high but alarming and over 50% of them are not reported. The effects of sexual abuse can be very confusing for children. For a child, it often involves being used or hurt by a trusted adult. The child might learn that the only way to get attention or love is to give something sexual or give up their self-respect. No child should have to live this way…female or male.

I watched this young man tell his story as I felt the horror that he tried to hide with a face of numbness. My heart connected with his…not only as a survivor of sexual violence but as a mother that was grieving for her child. He needed to know that everything that happened to him over the course of the last 6 years was not his fault and in spite of it all that everything was going to be alright. He needed someone to listen openly and judge silently. He wanted someone to say I am here for you physically and be there for him mentally and spiritually…he needed me.

When the police finally made their reports and prepared for the arrest of this monster that was known to him as his uncle… the SANE nurse finally came to take him away for his exam. He looked to me as if he needed some form of approval from me and as I nodded my head, I told him that he will be alright and to trust that the nurse would not harm him. With that she rolled him away and I along with his aunt awaited his return to the room. As I watched him being wheeled away I could not help but think about my own son having to face a gruesome destiny such as this.

He entered this world as an innocent child but is living the life of an adult that has endured many afflictions. He did not ask for the abuse nor did he ask for the hurt or shame but unfortunately this was hand the hand that he was dealt and his job now is just trying to survive. He was a young man born of a woman and he is now a young victim scarred by the affects of sexual violence. The abuse saw no gender, the abuse saw no age, the abuse only saw an opportunity and the abuse violated a child and left him living the life of a victim.

He returned to the room and in his eyes I saw the same look of re-victimization that I had when through at the age of 13 years old after my SANE exam following my assault. I shared this painful story with him and I told him that I knew what he was going through. Perplexed was the next look I received as he tried to comprehend the peace that now took over my demeanor after enduring sexual violence as a child. I explained to him all my past feelings and disgusts but that now I am just as normal and at peace after my own “healing” after sexual trauma and assured him that he could be too.

We talked awhile longer and as he shed a few tears he was able to replace them with laughter because he now realized that as we shared openly that he had begun to unlock the chains that had locked him in his silence for far too long! In that moment he saw that he was able to rise above the hurt, humiliation and trauma that sexual abuse caused. He had actually begun to feel free, he had actually began to believe that he could become whole again and that if he could just hold on a little while longer that everything would be restored.

As I prepared to depart that night, I gave him a teddy bear and packet of resources and referrals to get him started on his road to recovery. I then gave him a hug and as he squeezed me tightly with a heart full of gratitude, he said I love you… and at that moment I believed that male survivors can be victims too. This is a myth that has been instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to as the "macho image," declaring that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. When in all honesty, boys are children…and just like girls they are weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators.

So you can imagine how I applaud and thank Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry as they bring over 200 men together to speak up and out about their abuse. I am also excited that I am not a lone ranger in offering support and prayer to male survivors as they battle with the many demons of sexual trauma because unfortunately males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must "tough it out" in silence. No one should have to suffer or “tough it out” in silence…especially a child…whether it’s a boy or a girl.

When rain falls it does not know whether it is falling on all the little boys or little girls in the world such as the sun shining…gender has never been a reason for it to discriminate. Moreover the moon gives light to all that is under its covering as well as the stars share their illumination upon every species in this world. So is the devastating and non discriminatory ways of sexual abuse…when it affects one it affects us all. Remembering as an advocate we are to advocate for justice, healing, empowerment, awareness and peace for all victims…including males.

Daddy’s Girls

By Lavinia Masters




On Valentine’s Day of 2007…Tyler Perry came out with a movie called Daddy’s Little Girls. The movie in short was about a single father that had 3 little girls that meant the whole world to him. In the movie this father showed that he was willing to do anything for the safety, care and well being of his three daughters…and after viewing the movie myself… I was convinced that this father was willing to not only sacrifice his freedom and all that he had for his daughters, but that he was even willing sacrifice his life so that his girls would be able to live without the abuse, ridicule and shame that their mother and her boyfriend had put upon them.


The dictionary defines a father as man who is a parent… or a male parent of a human being… it also states that that the adjective “paternal” refers to father, parallel to “maternal” for mother.


However, I want to stop and pose a couple of questions to you today…or give you some things to think about….one is… what is the definition of a father to you? or how do you define a father? And now that you’ve answered or thought about that question, my second question is this, do you consider yourself a daddy’s girl? Or are you one of daddy’s little girls?


Growing up I did not have the pleasure of that father daughter relationship or bond that all of you may havehad, mainly because my father divorced my mother before I was old enough to even know who he was. I never knew the joy of going to a father daughter dance or experiencing the bond of a father praising his daughter for my strengths and exposing me to the working world. Oh, how I use to envy other little girls as their daddys would swoop them up in their arms and laugh and play for what would seem like forever.

Unfortunately, as I began to get older, I began to accept the hand that I was dealt in life and one of them was this… that I was not a daddy’s girl…I didn’t even know if he loved me, I didn’t even know if he cared or remembered me and, by the time I began junior high, I had literally detached myself of the idea of even having a father…until the night of July 31, 1985.


This was night that tragedy struck, this was night that my life was held in balance by the hands of a deranged rapist, the night my innocence was violated, the night I thought all hope was lost, the night I wanted and cried for my daddy.


Even though I did not have Timothy Ray Mangum to rescue me on this horrific night, I had a man by the name of Jesus Christ to that heard my call.




Now before I go any further, let me stop to tell you that this story is not intended to depress or get you down you, I promise, my purpose today is to empower and uplift you with my testimony because I now know that I am a part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that I should show forth the praises of Him who hath called me out of darkness to a marvelous light.


The reason I can proclaim this is because although I did not have that relationship with my earthly father that I was speaking of, I thank God that I had that spiritual bond with my heavenly father, that bond that no man can break.


It was April 2003, when I got the call that my biological father was dying of lung cancer and he wanted to see me before his demise. Was it to tell me that he was sorry that he was not there for any of my birthdays? Maybe he wanted to say that he regrets that he missed my wedding day where I had to have a proxy father stand in for him to give his angel away or possibly that he was sorry that he missed the birth of his grandson.


Whatever the reason he wanted to see me, but I missed the opportunity because the week during the time my oldest brother and I were to make the trip to Amarillo, Texas, he passed. I remember when I got the call at work, I began to cry. I was confused because how could I shed tears for a man that I knew nothing about but his name? How did I have the strength to tell my aunts, yes, I would travel to Waco and make his arrangements and pick his suit to bury him in. How did I stand over his body at the funeral home and kiss him goodbye, what was wrong with me!


You see, if there is one thing that I have learned to do as a child of God, that is to show unconditional love towards my fellow man and that forgiveness has its place in everything, yes even in the case of my “missing” daddy. I do not know nor understand the choices he made in life and why he chose not to be a part of mine, but I do know that, in the end, he tried to reach out to me for whatever the reasons. I also know that just as Christ has forgiven me and given me the opportunity to eternal life…He could have extended that same opportunity to my biological dad. The healing from his death came through my forgiving of his non existence in my life and the only way that I could have done that was through the love that my heavenly father has shown towards me!


So today I know that I am a daddy’s girl because I have a Father that sits high and looks low... a Father that can take away all my tears and fears…past and present. I have a Father that is with me when I am strong and picks me up when I too weak to carry myself. My Father is omnipotent, omnipresent and can do anything but fail! I love my Heavenly Father because He has taught me to love my earthly father in spite of the circumstances and no matter what he has done in the past or hasn’t done for me it does not take away what God has created me to be in the present….a loving, healthy and happy daddy’s girl!


Finally, to all the little girls, young ladies and women reading this empowering message…maybe you were victimized sexually by your daddy or hurt by his physical abuse, or whatever pain or trauma that the man you loved and trusted as your father in your life inflicted upon you…know that he does not have the final say so in your life, do not give him that authority ,take back what rightfully belongs to you…your sanity, your integrity, your life!


Know that although failure came through the hands of your earthly father…that there is no failure in your HEAVENLY FATHER…so yes you, too, are a daddy’s girl!

Tyler Perry's Story

By Gaetane Borders

Recently, Tyler Perry shared with the world that he had been both physically and sexually abused as a child. He wrote at length about how watching the movie Precious brought about a surge of emotions that he had never experienced before, and forced him to deal with the pain of his past. The title character in the movie is a 16-year-old girl who suffers cruel and unusual abuse by her mother. This storyline apparently mimicked Tyler’s personal experiences, and allowed him to face his own fears.

According to Tyler, the movie brought on vivid memories such as the time his mother attempted to leave his abusive father when he was three. She packed the car with Tyler and his two sisters and headed to California. However, his father reported the car stolen, and Tyler’s mother was ultimately arrested. After spending several days in a jail cell, his father and uncle arrived, and they all piled into the car to head back to Louisiana. As his uncle drove, his father sat in the back seat beating his mother “black and blue…as [Tyler] and [his] sisters watched in horror.”

Tyler’s father was not only abusive towards his mother, but reportedly also physically abused Tyler. He recalled that on one occasion his inebriated father beat him with a vacuum cleaner extension until the skin came off of his back. In addition to the drunken beatings by his father, Tyler indicated that he was sexually abused by both a woman and a man on separate occasions, and witnessed his father attempting to molest a young female friend.

The truly sad thing is that Tyler’s story is not unique. In fact, it’s far too common. An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. However since most abused and neglected children never come to the attention of government authorities, the official government statistics do not indicate actual rates of child abuse. One of the reasons that sexual abuse goes unreported to the authorities is because children often do not tell even when asked. That is why it is important to know the possible warning signs.

Possible Warning Signs That Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused:

• Abnormal sexual knowledge
• Radical mood swings
• Sense of danger where he/she lives
• Change in eating habits (bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive eating)
• Nightmares, insomnia, sleepwalking and other sleep disturbances
• Radical change in school performance for better or worse
• Fearful about certain people
• Depression, crying episodes, etc.
• Substance abuse/addiction
• Fear of adult or adolescent
• Regressive, babyish behavior
• Intense efforts to gain attention/affection from adults
• Suicidal thinking, gestures, and attempts
• Self-mutalative behavior (ie. Cutting)
• Running away
• Excessive or early masturbation
• Bowel or Bladder accidents in previously toilet trained children

You should take heed if you see any of the above behaviors in your child because they are a likely indication that something is wrong. It may not necessarily mean that your son or daughter is being abused, but it does mean that they are in distress and need your help.

If you do find that abuse has occurred, make sure to act immediately!

Reporting the crime to the law enforcement agencies is crucial because the majority of sexual offenders are family members, or are otherwise known to the child. Thus, they will continuously have access to your child as well as other children in the community. Most importantly, by choosing not to report sends the wrong message to the child, as your silence may be viewed as acceptance. Research has shown that the way a parent reacts to finding out that their child has been molested greatly impacts how their child will heal. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you do believe them, and that it was not their fault. Next, make sure that they receive therapy to address the significant trauma.

Although immediate therapy is the best-case scenario, many adults who were previous abused have never dealt with the emotions associated with their trauma. Much like Tyler Perry found, it is difficult to run from these memories and emotions. As a result, many adults use alcohol and drugs to help numb the pain….but it always seems to lie just under the surface.

Regardless of your age, you can begin your journey toward healing. Try not to be afraid of the hurt and pain that you feel, but instead address them. Speak to a therapist, or join a support group to meet the countless others who share your story. Just remember that you are not alone, and that it is possible to live and love without pain. With time, you will find that inner peace will come.

Resources:

The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network 1-800-656-HOPE (www.rainn.org)

Darkness to Light's National Helpline Network- 1-866-367-5444 (www.darkness2light.org)

Happy Parenting,

Gaétane Borders, MA, ABD President, Peas In Their Pods

Gaétane is a certified School Psychologist who works closely with the inner-city youth and their parents. She is an advocate of children’s rights and strives to help parent achieve healthy, harmonious, and emotionally stable environments for their children. She is a sought after media consultant, and is often featured in print, radio, and television. Gaétane is the President of the organization called Peas in Their Pods, which spreads awareness about the epidemic of child abduction in the African American community. In addition, Gaétane touches the lives of children by serving as the spokesperson for the DreamMaker Kids career-training program which inspires children to dream big!