"Hoochie Mama?" What I Heard!

By Susie Kroll

My husband and I went to the movies last Friday. It isn’t something we do often as Netflix makes movie watching at home more desirable, even if we have to wait for new releases. Back to the topic at hand, what I heard.

As my husband and I walked toward the theatre, we were surrounded by hordes of teenagers. Most of them were on cell phones, some were laughing and talking in groups, and still others were horsing around in the landscaping of the mall and theatre. It was all typical behavior in my book. Then I heard some guy yell, “Hey Hoochie Mama!” I looked in his general direction and saw that he was a teenager and was approaching a group of girls. When I was a teen, I would have told that guy to, well not appropriate language for this blog. Nevertheless, I would have been insulted and walked away from him. At the very least he would have been told not to address me in that manner.

Surprise of surprise, one of the teen girls giggled joyfully and ran to him. He slapped her on her butt while she gushed and hugged him. Her girlfriends didn’t seem alarmed or surprised by her behavior. For the sake of being thorough, I checked with the Urban Dictionary regarding “Hoochie Mama”. A summation of definitions include, slut, girl having multiple babies with different fathers, wearer of tight clothing, trashy makeup, and gaudy jewelry. Additionally, a Hoochie Mama wears dark, thick, and slutty makeup. The Urban Dictionary also says that a man can label a woman with this name as well as a group of jealous women. So what’s my point? First, this is not a positive or humorous word or label. Even the Urban Dictionary paints it in a derogatory light. Second, it is meant as an insult to the bearer. The girl that was called this name was not dressed slutty or trashy and she didn't have a train-load of babies with her. She was a typical American teen, clad in jeans and a t-shirt.

Why did the teen girl giggle and willingly accept the label from the boy? And, why is that a bad thing? I have a few theories on this matter. I have noticed that there has been a shift in the attention girls are willing to accept from boys, say from the 1950’s until now. It may be culturally, pop-culturally, and media induced. Long gone are the days of girls wearing their guy’s letterman’s jackets or fraternity pins. Teens are bombarded with images of singers, rappers, reality TV stars, and various celebrities’ objectifying women. There has been a transition from femininity as an asset to sex and the female body as a woman’s only asset. How said asset is used and displayed has also changed.

Recognition and attention from an admirer is wonderful. It feels good. Someone telling you that you are beautiful or asking you out on a date are some of the things that makes ones heart flutter. Finding ways to foster that are natural and should be a normal part of life. However, I am saddened and struggle daily with the reality that most teenage girls now believe that any attention from an admirer is positive. Hence why the girl at the theatre was so gleeful at the name that guy called her. He may have been joking but I still deem it unacceptable. I also struggle with the either deliberate or unconscious acceptance of the “sex is your only asset” attitude and the degree to which girls are living up to it. I see that girls are embodying this attitude in their appearance, attitudes, and acceptance of treatment by other people both male and female.

So why is this bad? In addition to it teaching our teens that their self-worth is devalued, it plants the seeds for further denigration. If I was a teen and I was comfortable with being called a Hoochie Mama or a slut, would I then be comfortable with a partner calling me stupid or worthless? If I wasn’t could I become comfortable with those labels? It is a slippery slope. It easily makes an abuser’s behavior acceptable and camouflaged to the receiver and bystanders. If everyone thinks the name-calling is funny or not serious, then they are more likely to miss the signs of dating violence. I am not saying that the guy at the theatre is an abuser. I am just saying that teenager’s acceptance of seemingly minor name-calling or labels open the door to a potentially harmful future situation. They could be victims or blind bystanders to someone else’s victimization. A change needs to be made in our teenager’s minds and attitudes. To make this change the responsibility lies with both parties. The seeker of the admiration needs to draw a line in the sand and decide what attention they are willing to acknowledge and what they will not. It is also the responsibility of the giver of attention to decide what behaviors are respectful, positive, and should be fostered. Calling someone a Hoochie Mama isn’t positive or desirable. Telling someone they are smart or funny or cute is.

It is easy to say that teachers, celebrities, parents, and the government should do something. If we take that attitude then the problem becomes too overwhelming to solve as there are so many factors and facets to it. So let’s start small. Each of us should decide within ourselves what attention we are willing to accept. Once that decision is made we can tell our friends or partners. Hopefully it will get everyone thinking about what they want or don’t want. Slowly mindsets will change. Attitudes will change. I would hope that all teenagers would then learn and believe that the favor of an admirer is earned. It must be appropriate, positive, and not derogatory in nature. If someone wants your attention they should seek it respectfully.

Susie Kroll specializes in speaking about Teen Dating Violence and Healthy & Safe Dating. She conducts workshops, keynotes, training, and seminars on issues specifically related to teens and their relationships. Susie is a regular "Ask the Expert" columnist for Reasons To Be Beautiful magazine. Visit her Website and Blog.

Self-Worth; Fight For It, Damn It!

By Anny Jacoby

Why do so many women feel that they are not worthy? How did they lose their self-worth? Is it because of the way the world has portrayed a perfect women "today"? Is it because someone took it from them? Is that the void some fill by over eating? Did their partner breach a trust? Did their partner demean them with insults about how they look? Did their partner admire other women? Did they grow up being ridiculed by a family member? Have they been suffering from a controlling illness? Were they bullied and criticized through their school years? Were they sexually abused as a child? Were they laughed at in a moment of vulnerability? Were they ever raped or abused?

"Self-worth" is a word that is so much easier to say and spell than it is to feel.

All of the above experiences mentioned and so many more play a major part of pouring a woman's self-worth right down the toilet. The people causing these kind of negative actions are totally responsible for destroying and tearing down a woman's worth. To destroy or tear down a woman's self-worth is one of the cruelest ways to treat a human being. It is a no win situation for that woman. She cannot fight back. She is attacked blindfolded. Humiliation has succeeded - the battle is won. Anyone can win against innocence. When the battle turns around is when the true win begins. A true win is when a woman who has lost her self-worth stands up and takes the control back.

You are not responsible for falling or losing the battle. But YOU ARE TOTALLY responsible for getting back up. It is you that has to pull it together. You need to go back as far as you can in your mind that puts a smile on your face, remembering those "warm and fuzzy", happy times. If you can't then think of someone that you know that is hurting more deeply than yourself and use that as your motivation. Allow yourself to go there in your mind. Use these thoughts to give you reason to get up. Your self-worth IS worth fighting for.

Yes, perhaps you have been hurt, disappointed and raped of one of your most sacred emotions, SELF-WORTH. NOW YOU WANT IT BACK, SO TAKE IT BACK! It is right inside of you. You just have to bury the memories and pain under all of your dirty laundry. You can continue to feel empty, use drugs, alcohol or even food to fill that void inside of you. You can miss out on life because you are forgetting to fight and it is so much easier to have a pity party.

You can worry about if you try to gain back your self-worth that you will fail and feel even more lonely. You may fail the first try, second or even the third. You feel that it's all hopeless. If you give into that feeling, then you are truly letting yourself down as well as others that love and care for you. YOU have now become responsible for losing your chance at regaining YOUR self-worth. You are allowing whatever it was that tore you apart in the first place to take control of all of you and your soul. You are allowing a memory to defeat you. There is no person there, just a thought. Why are you doing this? You know that you can stop it. You know how!

The strength of negative thinking is overwhelming and controlling in itself. I have felt it's power many, many times. Honestly, to the point that I could hardly feel myself breath. That was when I knew that I, and only I could stop it and take back the control of MY DESTINY.

For those that have been through a battle and are struggling or may have struggled to just get up on an elbow, feeling empty inside and so alone that you wonder why you even got up today............YOU CAN AND WILL BEAT THIS!

GAINING BACK YOUR SELF-WORTH

You must look inside of yourself and dig for the real you. Don't dig for the you has been scarred, wounded or hurt but the you that can smile, laugh and appreciate all of the good things in life. If you will just open your positive side and allow the great things to reach you the feeling will truly be uplifting. The more positive thoughts that you fill yourself with, the less negative thoughts can't nor won't survive.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off; you must move onto HABITS - positive habits of thinking. You must also be honest with your bad habits, what they are and where they are taking you. Identify them and how they are bringing you down, instead of up. The bad habits you have allowed to run your life. Now, as you have invited them in, you will un-invite them.

You must reconstruct your thought patterns to think WIN, not to lose. Immediately remove the words, "give up" from your vocabulary and replace them with "NEVER GIVE UP!" You must make a new commitment to yourself, the only one that you can reach out and touch!

You will always be stronger than your greatest weaknesses. Those weaknesses will never win again against your strengths..........NEVER!

To strengthen the mental you, you must strengthen the physical you. I am not referring to becoming a body builder or a full bore athlete. I simply mean a healthier you, A YOU THAT YOU WANT TO BE!

You must always remember, whatever it was that brought you down in yourself is in the past. If you continue to allow the pain to live inside of you, you will suffer. The past is over and there is no suffering on your part that will erase it. Get on with life. Reach deep inside of yourself and bring back the who YOU are.

Bring back the person YOU can smile in the mirror at.

Bring back the person YOU talk to all of the time.

Bring back the person that YOU were meant to be.

Bring back YOU, and then.......YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SELF-WORTH BACK - FIGHT FOR IT, DAMN IT!

"You can't conquer what you can't confront."

Take care and STAY SAFE!

The Empowerment Of Understanding Fear - Don't Allow It To Steal Your Dreams

By Anny Jacoby

Whether you get stung by a bee or simply watch as a friend gets stung, you might start to run and hide every time a bee buzzes across your path. Why do you do this? It turns out that your brain areas that respond when fear is learned through personal experience are also triggered when we see someone else afraid. This definitely explains why some people are afraid of things like spiders and snakes despite little contact with them.

You learn fear by observing other people's emotional expressions that can be as effective as having direct experiences yourself. This certainly explains one of the reasons why a lot of people have phobias of certain kinds of stimuli, such as rape, assault, abuse, stalking, abduction and much more. Just the thought of the aforementioned makes individuals extremely uncomfortable and justly so.

Fear is defined as an emotional response to an unknown or impending danger or as in expectation of harm or evil. Fear can create feelings of apprehension, anxiety, alarm, dread, fright or terror. When you are in fear, you are scared of someone, something or a potential outcome.

We all experience fear at one point in time or another. Actually, fear is a great way to keep us from hurting ourselves. Fear keeps us from putting our hand on the hot burner of the stove. It keeps us from jumping from high places, or leaves us tentative when going into a darkened room. These types of fears are good. They keep us safe. They make us think before we do, knowing full well the potential outcome and repercussions of our actions.

We can experience fear of closed in spaces such as elevators, afraid of the water or flying in airplanes. Fear is a reaction or response to some previous life experience or trauma or even the thought of any potential dangerous situation. Fear can impact us in many ways and it can steal our dreams. The bottom line is.......fear takes away our choices. It can keep us from doing the things we want or need to do for ourselves. It limits us, constrains us and can end up ruling our lives. It can consume our energy and enjoyment of life, leaving us experiencing additional unexplainable stress, frustration or feeling just plain stuck in the mud.

Being in or living in fear is all about choices. You can choose to move forward, or you can choose to stand still marking time.

Fear does not have to be a "freeze" mechanism that prevents a beneficial reaction. One must decide what frightens you more - being dominated, injured or killed by an assailant/batterer, or taking a risk and fighting back. You may hurt yourself somehow by protecting yourself against your assailant, his knife might nick your ear, a bullet from his gun may graze your head, or you might end up with bruises and your body sore; but you're chance of being alive is much greater than not. Learning personal safety (realistic self-defense) mentally and physically is a means to escape and ultimate survival. If you are too scared to react defensively and decide to remain under an assailant's control - he will have his way with you. Your mind can be more dangerous than your assailant. You must turn your fear into an effective reaction thus allowing yourself to be empowered.

Psychological fear leads to doubt and hesitation. Unchecked it can result in anxiety and/or panic. When you begin to doubt yourself you start to think, "What if I lose?", "What if I get hurt?". Thoughts of this sort must be eliminated from your vocabulary. You must remain positive, assertive and focus on the ability to motivate yourself=empowerment.

Miraculous things happen to those who consciously choose to overcome your fears and embrace them. You gain certainty in your safety skills, abilities and downfalls.

What do you fear? Perhaps it's time to turn on the light and step through the door of empowerment.

"Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out."

-----Karl A. Menninger

Take care and STAY SAFE!