Moving past isolation and finding peace

by Susan Jacobi

Isolation is one of the biggest feelings to overcome on my healing journey. It has taken me years to accept that I am not alone with my feelings, thoughts and actions as an adult survivor of child abuse.

It is hard to have conversations with anyone who doesn't understand the history of childhood trauma. It is hard to communicate the loneliness, the sadness, the desperation in trying to stay alive every day. Couple all those (normal) feelings with the shame of the abuse, the abuser’s consistent remarks of how no one would believe you and comments that belittle you on a daily bases and the isolation is sealed into a tidy package.

People don’t like to talk about suicide. I have had days, years where I felt suicidal every minute of the day. I think for many people, it’s not that they want to leave the earth, their friends or their life; I think it is because the pain, the loneliness, and the isolation are so gripping they don’t see another way out. I think that people who are feeling suicidal have conditioned themselves as that being the only option to escape their pain.

Here’s the kicker, it is not.

Each day brings us a choice to move forward. As an adult survivor of child abuse, the mental abuse inflicted on you now is what you do to yourself. You have the choice to listen to the lies your abusers fed you or to recognize those ‘voices’ in your head for what they are; lies from a liar and child abuser. It is a choice to remove the lies and isolation in your life. Sometimes it is not an easy choice. It takes focus and doing something you don't want to do and it is possible.

Consider all the years the abuser(s) had to brainwash their victim into believing they are alone, believing no one wants them or no one would believe them. If we spent the same number of years conditioning ourselves that people did want us, did believe us, I wonder what the outcome would be. I wonder if I would feel the same loneliness and isolation and shame that I feel now. I don’t think so.

Just for the fun, it is an interesting experiment and one worth exploring. We might surprise ourselves to find out people do want us, love us. As a special gift, we might even begin to move on from the trauma we experienced as victims of child abuse. Maybe, unexpectedly, we would begin to release ourselves and forgive ourselves and our abusers. It is worth a try.

Susan Jacobi is a radio show host, author, speaker and coach. Visit http://amzn.to/TJzgl2 to purchase her book, How to Love Yourself: The Hope after Child Abuse. Receive ‘100 Tools for Happiness’ when you sign up to receive her weekly ezine at www.conversationsthatheal.com.

A Cloak of Secrecy: The Face of a Pedophile.....(allegedly!)

By Gaetane Borders

I'll be honest with you...I am not a football kind of gal. So, up until a few days ago, I had no idea who the heck Jerry Sandusky was. All that changed, however, in the matter of a seconds when all the sexual abuse allegations against him surfaced! Now....he will never be forgotten. The most disturbing part of this story is not that he could have done this to all those young children. I am well aware of how prevalent this crime is. (The statistics do not lie.) I am disturbed...appalled...nauseated by the allegation that so many knew about this....AND DID NOTHING TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN! (Yes, I'm yelling because I am peeved!)

 I reviewed the infamous timeline that has been widely reported. In summary, it begins in 1994. In 2000, a Janitor allegedly sees Sandusky molesting a young boy. Again in 2002, a graduate assistant (Mike McQueary) allegedly witnessed Sandusky sodomizing a 10-yr-old in a locker room. A 2008 Grand Jury investigation found that 118 phone calls were made from Sandusky's phone to a victim's home after his mother reported that her son had been molested. However, it was not until October 5, 2011 that Sandusky is arrested for the alleged crimes. Siiiiiigggghhh!

The sad truth is that there are thousands of "Sandusky's" out there. However, don't be misguided because there are just as many "McQueary's" in the world as well!!!!! In fact, in order for a pedophile to victimize, they need a cloak of secrecy. Remember as well that kids often do not tell when they are being abused because the pedophile has brainwashed them into thinking that what they are doing is okay; or that no one will believe them; or that they would harm their loved ones. That is why I want each of you to know the warning signs to watch for.

Here are just a few:

•  Masturbating excessively. 
• Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets. 
• Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement.
•  Exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease. 
• Beginning wetting the bed. 
• Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging. 
• Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location. 
• Developing frequent unexplained health problems. 
• Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.
•  Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved. 
• Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors. 
• Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person. 
• Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves. 
• Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change. 
• Asking an unusual amount of questions about human sexuality. 

 I also want you to know what to do if you discover that your child has been abused. Here is a short video that offers 5 key things you should do:

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color. She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate. Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX. In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

Healing Through "Art From My Heart"

By Rae Luskin

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month.1-4 girls and 1-6 boys will be abused by the time they are 18. Many abuse victims suffer the violation in silence, either blaming themselves or being afraid no one will believe them. The survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience a high rate of physical problems, mental health issues and social problems. They suffer from guilt, shame and low self esteem. The emotional and physical consequences can last for a lifetime.

The majority of childhood sexual abuse cases go unreported. It is estimated that there are 39 million survivors in the United States. It is estimated that 30% of survivors never tell anyone. We have to ask ourselves why children don’t tell.

1. Children are not sure who to tell. What if one of the parents is the abuser, what if mom is sick or one of the parents is dead.

2. No chance to be alone to tell

3. Caregivers do not listen

4. Parents discourage conversations about sex

5. Oftentimes children do not know what to say: they are too young or they have no words to describe it.

6. Abuser tells them; no one will believe you, you will be taken away from your family; you will never see your parents, friends or siblings again. No one will love you or marry you.

7. Abusers threaten to kill their family, their pet or themselves.

8. Children worry that if they really knew me their friends and family will reject them. They will think “I am disgusting, broken or dirty”.

9. Children worry that their parents will feel guilty if they could not protect them; other people will blame their parents.

10. Fear the abuser will be put in prison; will get hurt or killed.

11. Children may think what is the point, nothing will change or it will only make it worse. For instance, Laurie was about 12 when she told her mother that her brother was molesting her and her mother said “it is your problem handle it.” So Laurie lived with a chair under her door until she could leave home.

12. At first a child may be confused. They may ask themselves: Is it really happening? Is it wrong? They may think this is normal. They may believe they are only one experiencing this. They believe they deserved it, it was their fault they did something that caused this or they are being punished for something they did. Finally, they are ashamed to admit they enjoyed the sexual stimulation or they loved the affection, warmth and attention.

So now the question becomes what we can do as an individual, a friend or family member to encourage children and adult survivors to come forward and share their secret.

Educate your children about appropriate sexual behavior and what constitutes unwanted or uncomfortable physical contact. Tell them that it is always safe for them to come to you. You will believe them. Help children practice responses to potentially dangerous situations. Tell them they have a right to decide how and when anyone can touch them.

You can help the adult in your life. Do not say it is in the past get over it. Do not scold or shame them. Do not suggest it was their fault. Instead listen with compassion, validate their pain and remember they need to work at their own pace. It could take a year or it could take 40 years. You need to create a climate that is safe for them to take the journey.

Finally, Challenge the media or advertising when they sexualize children! Support legislation that mandates we teach safe touch in schools! Ask what policies and protocols are in place at school, work or your religious institution! If you suspect abuse you must report it! Tell the doctor, the police, call your local protection agency or 1 800 25 ABUSE, the National Child Abuse Hotline.

If you want to share your story/secret I encourage you to join my challenge. Transform Abuse One Story at a Time. In the next year I want 100,000 courageous men and women to share their truth through creative expression; it can be a poem, a story, a piece of art, music or dance. By sharing your story you can take back your power. Break free of guilt and shame. Release the negative voices in your head. Connect with others in an authentic way.

If you are looking for a loving and supportive mentor who has walked this dark and scary path herself as a guide; apply for a free discovery session. You do not need to be an artist. No creative experience is necessary, only a willingness to play, explore and experiment. Apply at www.thehealedheart.com. 

The Essence of Who I Am 

You hurt my soul, you broke my heart 

I curled up into myself and became small and insignificant 

I was sure I was unlovable, defective and unworthy 

Afraid of my secret shame, 

My cry for help a mere whisper 

Till I found my voice 

SCRIBBLE THE PAIN, DRAW OUT THE HURT, COLLAGE THE FEAR, DANCE THE ANGER, JOURNAL THE SADNESS, TELL MY STORY 

Transformation, a healed heart 

I am enough, I am loveable, I am whole and complete 

I am strong and courageous 

I take a stand and boldly declare 

I am a magnificent living work of art 

A creation song of love, joy and possibility 

Rae Luskin is an artist, teacher, author and community activist and a sexual abuse survivor. She is available for speaking and workshops. Find out more at www.raeluskin.net. Special price for ART FOR MY HEART now $16 plus shipping.