Moving past isolation and finding peace

by Susan Jacobi

Isolation is one of the biggest feelings to overcome on my healing journey. It has taken me years to accept that I am not alone with my feelings, thoughts and actions as an adult survivor of child abuse.

It is hard to have conversations with anyone who doesn't understand the history of childhood trauma. It is hard to communicate the loneliness, the sadness, the desperation in trying to stay alive every day. Couple all those (normal) feelings with the shame of the abuse, the abuser’s consistent remarks of how no one would believe you and comments that belittle you on a daily bases and the isolation is sealed into a tidy package.

People don’t like to talk about suicide. I have had days, years where I felt suicidal every minute of the day. I think for many people, it’s not that they want to leave the earth, their friends or their life; I think it is because the pain, the loneliness, and the isolation are so gripping they don’t see another way out. I think that people who are feeling suicidal have conditioned themselves as that being the only option to escape their pain.

Here’s the kicker, it is not.

Each day brings us a choice to move forward. As an adult survivor of child abuse, the mental abuse inflicted on you now is what you do to yourself. You have the choice to listen to the lies your abusers fed you or to recognize those ‘voices’ in your head for what they are; lies from a liar and child abuser. It is a choice to remove the lies and isolation in your life. Sometimes it is not an easy choice. It takes focus and doing something you don't want to do and it is possible.

Consider all the years the abuser(s) had to brainwash their victim into believing they are alone, believing no one wants them or no one would believe them. If we spent the same number of years conditioning ourselves that people did want us, did believe us, I wonder what the outcome would be. I wonder if I would feel the same loneliness and isolation and shame that I feel now. I don’t think so.

Just for the fun, it is an interesting experiment and one worth exploring. We might surprise ourselves to find out people do want us, love us. As a special gift, we might even begin to move on from the trauma we experienced as victims of child abuse. Maybe, unexpectedly, we would begin to release ourselves and forgive ourselves and our abusers. It is worth a try.

Susan Jacobi is a radio show host, author, speaker and coach. Visit http://amzn.to/TJzgl2 to purchase her book, How to Love Yourself: The Hope after Child Abuse. Receive ‘100 Tools for Happiness’ when you sign up to receive her weekly ezine at www.conversationsthatheal.com.

Tears, Fears and Bullies

By Diane May-Waldman

“We stopped looking for monsters under the bed when we realized they are all inside of us.” – Joe Danger Payne.

The following video seems to be going viral. I couldn’t get through it without a lump rising up in my throat and tears falling down my cheeks. I actually watched it more than once and both times it had the same affect on me. Please take a moment to watch it.

Heart wrenching, right? I imagine that it brought up more than one emotion for you, too. Sadness and anger, all at the same time.

There seems to be stories all over the news these days headlining children and teens that have committed suicide because of bullying. Here where I live, we just lost another teenage girl to suicide because of bullying. We’ve lost a couple this year and seems we haven’t learned anything from it.

I am not exactly sure how to reach children before they kill themselves. I have to wonder if they understand that suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wonder if they understood that we have all had moments in our lives, when we have wanted to stop the world and get off.

But, it doesn’t work that way.

I have heard people of my generation make comments about bullying that leave me shaking my head. Someone said, “Why can’t they do it the way we did it? Duke it out and be done with it?”

I think times have changed since a lot of us were kids. We didn’t have the Internet. First of all, since we didn’t have the Internet, we played outside and because we played outside, whoever was out there, we played with. All the kids on the street got together and hung out. The Internet has managed to keep people a lot more isolated from real human connections. Physical connections.

Secondly, the Internet and Facebook have made it easier to bully. Cyber bully.  Where at one time, you might be bullied at school, but you could go home and take a break. Not anymore. You sign on to the computer, hop on your facebook page and there it is. And more often than not it carries a mob mentality.

I also think kids tend to me a lot meaner than they were when we were kids. There is just no filter on what they say or do. There is no accountability either.

I would like to think that I never bullied anyone–at least I don’t recall ever bullying anyone. Except a time when I joined a couple of my friends to make fun a of girl with a disability. To this day, it causes me a huge amount of shame. There was a girl who lived a few streets over and she had cerebral palsy. I didn’t know that is what she had at the time, so me and a couple of friends were walking down the street and two of them started to walk like her as we passed her house. Not wanting to be the odd man out, I joined it. I knew it was was wrong and I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, but I did, because my friends were doing it.

Somehow my mother got wind of it. She didn’t scream at me or whack me in the head with her wooden spoon. She cried and told me how ashamed she was of my behavior and went on to explain that everyone was different and that I did not have the right to make anyone feel bad about themselves. By the time my mother was done talking to me, I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. I felt like dirt.

I think teens are pack animals by nature. A lot of inappropriate behavior, we just wouldn’t have engaged in, if we had been alone. We simply folded under peer pressure.

My mother made it clear to me that I was never to act like that again and I never did. Had she gotten another report of this kind of behavior from me, she would have without a doubt taken out her wooden spoon and busted my ass and I would have deserved it.

My mother gave you one warning and if you didn’t heed that warning, you got your ass busted. It was that simple. My mother had a saying. She would always say, “Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder to get your attention and when you don’t listen, he thumps you on the head and that is exactly what I am going to do if you don’t hear me the first time.”

My mother also said, “You KNOW right from wrong.  You know it as sure as I am sitting here and if you choose wrong, you better be prepared for what comes from that decision.”

And she was right.

You would also have to think twice if you thought of bullying one of my mother’s children. She would warn you first and if you didn’t listen, she made no bones about it, that she was going to handle it.

Most of the kids that I grew up with can remember a specific neighbor. Yes, that wretched woman who keeps your ball if it went into her yard. Well, my ball went into her yard and she kept it. I ran across the street and told my mother.

My mother came outside and demanded that she give the ball back to me. My mother waited with her hand on her hip and this woman wasn’t budging. Before I knew it my mother was calling her a bully and telling her that she should be ashamed of herself and then my mother was climbing over that fence telling that woman she was going to kick her ass. The neighbor quickly threw the ball over the fence and never took our ball again.

Walking back home, my mom was like a hero to me and the other neighborhood kids. My mother said to the neighbor, “Bullying is just mean and ignorant.”

My mother didn’t go into the whole psychological reasons that make someone become a bully. She didn’t tell me that maybe they were bullied or didn’t feel good about themselves, therefore they had to pick on someone else.

Because, she didn’t think that way. She believed that TWO WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT. Plain and simple. Just like when she said that bulling was mean and ignorant. Yeah, it’s that simple.

While we may never end all bullying, we can fix the majority of this problem. And it isn’t a problem that plagues the kids. It’s a problem that plagues the parents and adults surrounding this situation. If we know what is going on with our kids, we could stop it. Yet, we seem to busy to want to intervene and know what our kids are doing, until it’s too late.

School can sometimes be a hard place to be. Especially when teens approach puberty. Our brains and bodies are developing at different rates. We want to fit it and be part of the crowd. We do things we might not ordinarily do because being inside group is not as scary as being on the outside of the group.

Schools claim they are understaffed and can’t get a hold on this problem. More often than not, bullies are punished and this often adds flame to the fire. And some kids don’t and won’t report it in fear of retaliation. This is why it is important for schools to have a policy that if you see or know of a student who is being bullied, you can and should report it anonymously.

If we know who the “ring leader” is in the bully mob and who the victim is, we can start there.

What if we put the bully and the victim in a supervised room together? Told them that they each had to find ONE thing they liked about the other. It could be that the other person has great hair, a nice smile, cool shoes…

And what if we gave them a list of 20 questions that each had to answer. What is your favorite video game? Who is your favorite band? Then made those students discuss their answers? What if they had similar answers or were able to talk to one another about their answers? We now have them communicating on a positive level and have showed them that they are not so different. We have now made the bully AWARE that the victim is a human being.

Two school days in a room together, they are now more than likely able to form some type of human connection and bond with one another.

And what if we asked the bully to tell the victim how they feel when they bully and asked the victim to tell the bully how they feel when they are bullied? What if we got down to the heart of the matter?

And just what if we asked both to bring their favorite music or video game in the next day and share it with the other? What if we actually had them spend time together?

What if we stopped putting a band aide on this situation and really took the time to get to the root of the problem?

And what if parents got on board and we all worked together to solve the problem?

Please visit the following website and get your number. Take a stand to stop bullying NOW. Because, bullying isn’t COOL.

http://www.standtogether.tv/

Diana May-Waldman- Bureau Editor for Worldwide Hippies in Rochester NY. Diana is the author of A Woman’s Song. Her poetry in this book deals with the struggles facing all women and the many facets of being a woman in the world today. She is a strong women’s and children’s advocate. A true example of the Hippie movement's continuing growth and spirit. 

Suicide

By Heidi Hiatt

So give me something to believe

‘Cause I am living just to breathe…-Believe, The Bravery

There is a stark white space in which people sometimes find themselves in the still hours of the early morning. Its ashen walls are the accumulated debris of life’s challenges and tragedies. Its heavy ceiling has settled into place during the years in which the hope of the room’s prisoner soured and dissolved. The quiet is deafening and there appears to be no windows, no doors, no way out. This is the hellish, lonely place in which some people sit before they commit suicide.
“How did I get here?” they wonder, yet no one seems to answer. The thought bounces around their cell, mocking them as they think back to better times. “If there is a God, where is He?” they ask, as the sneering voices with no bodies tell them life’s not worth it and death is the only answer. The air is toxic and it makes every fiber of their beings scream more.

Many things bring people to this box. Sometimes life deals a string of blows that knocks them down every time they get up. Being sexually violated and used lures victims to this hell hole. Horrors like the loss of a loved one or the death of a child bring them here. Financial disasters, divorces, uncertainty, a lack of social support, elusive success, and relationship problems suck them in. Mental illness can play a role in convincing people that they must escape from their wounded bodies. Life’s problems can be legion, and the pain and pressure of simply existing can be overwhelming.

If you are in this box, the pit where the oxygen is being sucked out and you want to pull the plug before anything or anyone else can hurt you, there’s something you need to know. Taking your own life won’t solve your problems. It will only put you in a place where you are still acutely aware of your problems but you can’t do anything about them.

That’s not an original thought. It’s a profound statement made by a veteran police officer who works with people struggling with suicide. Suicide is not removing yourself from your problems; it is removing yourself from any possibility of solving those problems. To solve them, you need to stay here with the rest of us.

Please wait. There’s more. If you feel suicidal and are reading this, it shows that you still looking for help and answers. What you are feeling is not freakish or shameful or unique. Many great people have found themselves in this eerie state of aloneness and found their way back out. There’s a wonderful saying to describe what happened when the situation passed, “just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”

I do know who said this: “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” That is from Winston Churchill, a man who led his countrymen through World War II. While I’d already heard that, I found it on the underside of my iced tea lid during a difficult time. I set it on the kitchen windowsill where I’d see it often. It reminded me that we are commanded to persist, to endure, and to take our eyes off of the seemingly insurmountable problems right in front of us and keep them on the bigger, better things ahead of us.

If you’re thinking about suicide, you might not think there’s bigger, better things because there hasn’t been so far. But how do you know that unless you stay here to find out? That’s a gamble worth taking. Here’s one reason why. Next to the Winston Churchill quote sits another iced tea lid. This one quotes Douglas Malloch, saying “good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.” If you survive the present storm you find yourself in, you are going to be stronger and more able to weather any future storms. This, here, now—this could make you stronger if you let it. Find your way out of this hole, and you may be able to help others out of theirs.

Does life seem meaningless? Have you been a giving and hard-working person who seems to always get taken advantage of or hurt by those energy-sucking narcissists we call vampires? Have your parents abandoned you, or has someone ripped your heart out and kept kicking you when you’re down? Have you done good and been rewarded with evil?

I want to paint a picture for you. A few weeks ago on a Friday night I was struck by a thought so powerful that I had to write it down immediately. I saw a person standing in a blank space. They had suffered a terrible injustice and felt like no one noticed and no one cared. They felt violated, afraid, and completely abandoned by the legal system and everyone else who should have helped them.

All of the sudden the picture changed. There was now a backdrop of God on His throne and scores of angels gathered around. Instantly I was struck by the thought that we are never alone. It may feel like it, and sometimes it feels like God has turned His back. But wait—He sees everything. He’s there. He’s keeping score. He knows exactly what we’re feeling. He will give us justice, even if it takes until the end of our lives. Even when the universe seems devoid of God and nothing makes sense, He hasn’t moved. He’s watching.

The Psalmist understood this. Pursued by enemies who had no good reason to hate him, vexed by problems with his family and friends, he told God exactly how he felt when he found himself in those desolate lonely places. He cried out. And he kept crying out. He knew God heard him and he believed God would answer, even if that wasn’t right away. Much of what you’re feeling right now, he felt. Try reading a Psalm, and you might feel a kinship with a man who lived 3000 years ago who experienced some of the same things.

You might not believe in God. You might blame Him for everything bad that’s happened. In your circumstances, that might be totally understandable. I don’t understand why a lot of bad things happen either. But I’ve learned something through it all—God allows what He can use. If you feel that there’s nothing left of you and you have nothing left to offer, you’re wrong. It’s been said that God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called. He fills you. He makes you whole. It is in Him, as the scripture says, that we live and move and have our being. Right now it’s about what He can do through you.

This is the point at which it’s okay to let Him know that you can’t do it anymore; He needs to do it for you. He is not bound by time and circumstance. He has unlimited power. Max Lucado says that your toughest
challenges are bobby pins and rubber bands to God. This does not mean that God answers us when and how we want Him to answer; He knows best and will answer in His way. Someone once said that God always answers our prayer– either He changes the circumstances, or He supplies sufficient power to overcome them.

Here’s another assurance for you—you should not be ashamed of getting to the point at which you are considering suicide. You are responding to a flashing warning sign that says, “hey, something has to change.” This is a good time to call a crisis line or just about anyone who will listen. Thanks to crisis lines, there is always someone to listen. Churches are a good place to call too. Many churches have crisis lines. Find one online or in the phone book.

God will listen too. He’s available 24/7 and no matter what you’ve done He wants you to spend some time talking to Him. Be honest. Tell Him everything. He already knows. He just needs to hear it straight from you. He won’t make you ashamed. He’s all about letting you know how unique and amazing you are. He made you to do something that no one else on earth can do. He knows your every thought. He wants to walk right beside you and help you fight through the rough spots. Perhaps He will use the crisis you are in to center you, to help you reprioritize, and to show you what you are meant to do with your life from here forward.

If you are besieged by those nagging voices that tell you you’re not worth it, you should just let go, you’re a loser, no one wants you, you’ll never pay those bills, you’re too far gone for anyone to love you—rebuke them. They are lies straight from the father of lies. An all-powerful Creator who calls you His child loves you—that alone makes you worth it.

Your life has immeasurable value. Your mission here is not done. Listen to the voice that reminds you of what’s right about you, and what wonders can still be realized in your life. Ignore the damning red-hot pokers that stab your mind and heart at times like this. You can do this. You’ve read this far. You’re doing it.

Please remember:

-Taking your own life is not a solution to your problems; you can only solve them if you stay here.

-Your life may be hell on earth right now, but this isn’t the end. Keep walking.

-Getting through this can make you stronger—much, much stronger.

-God is in control and He sees everything no matter how alone you feel.

-Open your Bible or go to www.biblegateway.com. Find the Psalms. That guy knew despair and loneliness and betrayal, but no matter what he faced, his attitude was not “God, here is my problem,” but “problem, here is my God!”

-God can use this situation and these circumstances. No matter how broken. No matter how ugly.

-Be honest with God. Tell Him how you feel. You’re His child. He made you and He loves hearing from you.

As you make the decisions you are facing right now, I invite you to draw on God’s power and break free of that box. I don’t think that’s what He’s had planned for you. You’re still here because you have not fulfilled your mission and there is much work left to do. Don’t be ashamed. Don’t berate yourself for feeling this way. You can get through this.

As C.S. Lewis said, it is seldom the exact present that is unbearable. Take it step by step and don’t measure yourself in terms of what other people think. Measure yourself in terms of how God thinks. He loves you, and He has a plan for you that is literally outside of the box. Now is not the time to give up, no matter how overwhelming the desire to do so is.

For those in my life who are facing huge struggles right now, remember that not only does God love you, but I love you too. You always matter to me and I am here for you. I know you are stronger than the fire you walk through and brighter days are ahead.

God has made you to walk through shadows. When the shadow

approaches, you must walk through. –Adrian Rogers

Odd Circumstances Surround Jail “Suicide”

By Dennis Griffin

On February 23 1990, the Paulsboro, New Jersey police department received an anonymous phone call reporting an incident of domestic violence at 1546 South Delaware Street, the residence of 25-year-old Gerald “Jerry” Kearney and his family. When police arrived there was an argument going on between Jerry and his wife Chyrll. Although she begged the police not to arrest him, four officers removed him from the home and took him to jail. Shortly after being placed in his cell, Jerry allegedly used his T-shirt to hang himself.

Jerry grew up in a dysfunctional home and suffered abuse at the hands of his father. He and Chyrll were married on June 9, 1984. At the time of his death the couple had three children, and Chyrll was pregnant with their fourth. Jerry was excited about the pregnancy and had just received invoices and business cards for his new landscaping business.

According to his sister Kathleen Kearney, Jerry was a good, caring man who loved his family very much. But he was by no means an angel, having had numerous run-ins with the law, mainly for theft.

On the night of his death, Jerry called Kathleen and asked her to come over and babysit so he and his wife could go out. When she arrived about an hour later, she noticed tiny droplets of blood on the steps leading to the front door, and learned that Jerry had already been arrested and taken to jail.

A short time later, a police sergeant who had been one of the arresting officers came to the door. He told Kathleen and Chyrll that Jerry had an outstanding warrant for a $25 traffic ticket. Kathleen explained that all of Jerry’s warrants had been taken care of in January, when her parents put their house up as collateral to bail him out of jail. The officer said he would go back to the station and check further. Twenty minutes later he came back and said Jerry would be released as soon as the paperwork was done. Kathleen had been right, there were no outstanding warrants and they were not going to charge him in the domestic incident.

After a brief time passed the sergeant was back again. This time he was accompanied by an assistant prosecutor. They said that Jerry had hanged himself in his cell and was dead.

When Jerry was pronounced DOA at the hospital, the attending physician refused to sign the death certificate. When Jerry’s parents got to the hospital to identify his body, they were denied access. A priest, who had been called to administer last rights, was also denied access to the body.

Paulsboro is located in Gloucester County. However, the medical examiner, Dr. Claus Speth, was attending a convention in Ohio at the time and the medical examiner from Burlington County should have received the body. But for unknown reasons, the police chief placed a call to Dr. Speth and asked him to return and do Jerry’s autopsy as a personal favor. The next day Dr. Speth performed the autopsy. Afterward, he called Jerry’s parents and told them he believed Jerry had been murdered. He said he’d make a final decision after conferring with the police.

Although Jerry’s family doesn’t know for sure what happened at that meeting, they have heard that the session was recorded on an audio tape. Allegedly, one of the arresting officers stated that he’d slammed Jerry’s face into the concrete walkway. However, whatever his reasons, Dr. Speth ruled the death a suicide.

The official reports state that Jerry fell down the steps. But some witnesses say that Jerry was screaming “I’m not resisting, I’m going peacefully,” as officers dragged him down the steps by his feet, with his head bouncing off the concrete steps.

Some witnesses say they saw Jerry unconscious or possibly lifeless at the bottom of the steps. Kathleen states that the autopsy showed Jerry had two black eyes, a split lip, multiple bruises, neck injuries not consistent with a hanging, and his voice box and thyroid glands were hemorrhaged.

According to Kathleen, one of the involved officers had been fired from other police agencies for incidents involving brutality and his records were sealed after each firing. This is the same officer who allegedly told Dr. Speth that he slammed Jerry’s head into the walkway.

Of further concern to Jerry’s family, the police told them that the T-shirt Jerry used to hang himself was lost and unavailable for examination. In addition, the authorities claim the security cameras in the facility were not operational at the time of the incident.

Was Jerry Kearney’s death suicide or homicide? The family may never know for sure. 

For discussion about this case, and others where there has not been a satisfactory resolution, please visit the Crime Wire Website Forum.

Dennis Griffin is a nationally known true crime author and part of the Crime Wire Team.

www.dennisngriffin.com

Jared Hillman: Suicide or Homicide?

Jared Hillman and son Kendall 

By Dennis Griffin

On August 9, 2009, 23-year-old Jared Hillman was found dead of a gunshot wound to his head in the woods behind his father's home in Hickory, Mississippi. A .40-caliber pistol was gripped in the young man's lifeless hand. The authorities quickly determined that Jared had taken his own life. The Army Reservist who had served in Iraq and returned home only three weeks before his death, was chalked up as one of the 309 military suicides reported last year. In addition to any possible depression over his military service, Jared was also in the process of ending a failed marriage. And that could have contributed to his desire to kill himself.

On the flip side, Jared had a powerful reason for wanting to live: Kendall, his two-year-old son from a previous relationship. He had gained temporary custody of the boy in February and was scheduled to be awarded permanent custody during an uncontested hearing the next week. According to family and friends, Jared was eagerly awaiting the court appearance and looking forward to getting on with civilian life. So there was a reason for Jared's family to have been shocked when he died, apparently by his own hand..

There were other causes for skepticism as well. And they had to do with Jared's estranged wife, Amanda. Jared and Amanda were married in May 2008, shortly before he deployed to Iraq. Upon his return home on July 19, 2009, Jared confided to his friends that while he was away Amanda began having an affair with Meridian, Mississippi police officer Derek Thomas. He said he didn't want the marriage to end, but Amanda said she wanted to be with Derek, and in fact left Jared and moved in with Thomas. Jared and Kendall took up residence with Jared's aunt, Kim Busbea.

Busbea, says that after the separation the relationship between Jared and Amanda was stormy, with frequent arguments. And Jared also had multiple confrontations with Derek Thomas, with threats being made on both sides. At one point Jared told his aunt that he suggested to Thomas that they meet somewhere and settle their differences man to man. He said he wasn't afraid of Thomas and knew how to handle himself.

Another cause of concern to Jared's family was the matter of his $400,000 life insurance policy. Joe Hillman had originally been the beneficiary. But Jared replaced him with Amanda prior to going to Iraq. Days prior to his death Jared told his aunt that he was going to remove Amanda from the policy. Was Amanda aware of that? Busbea doesn't know. But she feels it is entirely possible that during the heat of an argument Jared might have made his intentions known.

And the sequence of events on the night of Jared's death set off additional alarm bells. Jared spent the day of August 8 at his father's. He mowed the lawn, ate dinner, and got Kendall bathed and ready for bed. At some point he removed the .40-caliber pistol from his father's gun cabinet and slipped out of the house unnoticed.

At 8:22 p.m., Jared’s grandmother, Cherry Todd, answered the telephone. It was Amanda. She said, "Granny, you need to call the sheriff’s office. I was talking to Jared, and he said he was going to kill himself and I heard a click,” Mrs. Todd said Amanda told her Jared was behind his father's house.

“I just panicked,” Todd said. “I ran out in the yard to see if he would hear my voice.” She told Jared’s father, who also began searching for his son. There are more than 100 acres of thick woods behind the home, making the search a monumental task.

Mrs. Todd said Amanda called a second time 10 minutes later, again telling her to call the sheriff’s office.

The troubling question here is why didn't Amanda call 9-1-1 herself and then call the Hillman residence? If Jared's life was at stake, that would seem to have been the fastest means of getting medical and law enforcement personnel on the scene.

After Amanda's initial call, Joe Hillman and a friend began searching the woods, yelling for Jared and calling his cell phone. The sheriff's department was called and officers arrived on the scene at around 10 p.m. The search continued until about 12:30 a.m. And at dawn, dozens more family members and friends gathered to renew the hunt.

Kim Busbea said that during the break she called Amanda at 5:44 a.m. Amanda told her she had not heard anymore from Jared. Busbea said, “I asked her what was the last thing Jared had said to her, and she said, ‘He said something about having a .40-caliber pistol and wanted to know if I would take care of Kendall if something happened to him.’ ”

Around 9:30 a.m., the search ended with Busbea’s husband and others finding Jared’s body beside a tree. He had a bullet wound to the right side of his temple, and the gun was in his right hand with his finger on the trigger of the weapon.

As soon as Jared’s body was found, Busbea called Amanda and told her Jared was dead. “She really didn’t say anything,” Busbea said.

Because the family knew Jared had been speaking on his cell phone to Amanda prior to his death, they scoured the area for the phone, but couldn’t find it. And it wasn't present when the coroner emptied Jared’s pockets.

The state medical examiner's office conducted an autopsy, after which Jared's body was cremated. When his father went to the mortuary to pick up his son's belongings, the missing cell phone was mysteriously among them.

Authorities passed off the reappearance of the phone as nothing more than the coroner's failure to find it earlier. But when the family was able to obtain and examine the phone records, more questions arose.

First was a "private call" listed at 8:15 p.m. that lasted two minutes. After that, there was a series of calls answered by voice mail until another "private call" was answered at 11:13 p.m. That call was placed from Amanda's phone and lasted just under five minutes. If Amanda's earlier calls to Mrs. Todd were accurate, this call was made and answered well after Jared was dead.

Seeing that call upset Joe Hillman. "How in the hell can my son be dead and answer his cell phone?" he said. "Either he wasn't dead, or somebody else had the telephone."

Records also show there was a 5:56 p.m. call from Derek Thomas' phone to Jared that lasted 46 seconds.

Although Jared was distraught, Hillman questioned whether his son would kill himself, especially since he was going to soon have permanent custody of Kendall.

Coroner Danny Shoemaker said from everything authorities saw, Jared's death appeared to be a suicide. He said no time of death was determined. When asked about the nearly five-minute conversation that took place on Jared's phone at 11:13 p.m., he replied, "That's news to me."

In a September 19, 2010 article, The Clarion-Ledger printed an email it had acquired that Amanda had written to the Army on Oct. 14, 2009:

"Someone told me that they thought someone had sad (sic) something about his benefits. I plan to
put this aside for Kendall (his son) if there is anything, but I knew that no one has contacted me yet. ... If you have any information, it would be appreciate."

That same article reported that before the end of 2009 Amanda received $400,000 as the beneficiary of Jared's life insurance policy.

Kim Busbea adopted Kendall in June, 2010. She says that contrary to Amanda's statement in her email to the Army, Kendall has not seen a penny of that money. Over the summer she filed a lawsuit against Amanda and Derek Thomas seeking to get the insurance money for Kendall. She alleges that Kendall suffered an alienation of affection due to the affair between Amanda and Thomas.

The suit says in part:

Jared made his wife the beneficiary "with the understanding that, should he die, the insurance proceeds would be used for the care and benefit of his minor child. It is inconceivable that, given Defendant Hillman's affair, that he would want his life insurance proceeds going to (his wife) with not a penny being used for the benefit of his minor child."

In addition to Kim Busbea's lawsuit, the Mississippi Bureau of Investigation is reviewing the case. Joe Hillman said he wants authorities to thoroughly investigate and find the truth, even if they conclude his son committed suicide. "All I've ever wanted is the truth."

And that doesn't seem like too much to ask.

The Case of Nikki LaDue January

By Dennis Griffin

Nichole LaDue January was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head on the balcony of her third floor condo in Pass Christian, Mississippi, shortly before 10 a.m. on July 29, 2002. Rigor and lividity indicated that the 30-year-old had been dead for several hours. Her death was ruled a suicide. 

Nikki had been married for less than two years to Phil January, and both worked at the Grand Casino in Gulfport, LA. According to Nikki’s friends, Phil was a jealous and controlling husband. Her co-workers told the LaDue family that their formerly fun-loving daughter had become a loner, afraid to socialize on breaks because Phil had spies watching her. However, she did have something wonderful in her life – a five-year-old son, Zachary, from a previous marriage. She loved Zack with all her heart. At the time of her death, Nikki was at a point of transition. Phil had suddenly decided they should relocate to Bossier City, LA, where he had found a job with Boomtown Casino’s security department working under his former boss at the Grand. Nikki had stayed behind to orchestrate the move. She told Phil that on July 29 he should drive to Pass Christian, rent a U-Haul and move the family’s belongings to Bossier City. She’d have everything ready to go. Nikki and Zack would then drive to Fort Lauderdale in Nikki’s car to spend a week with the LaDues. They would then join Phil in Louisiana.

However, Nikki had a different plan known to only a few people. She believed her marriage to Phil was over and she had no intention of joining him in Louisiana. She and Zack were going to remain with her family in Florida and start a new life there.  According to friends who knew of Nikki’s plans, she seemed both exhilarated and nervous. She was excited about going to live with her parents, but she also seemed scared. She and Zack slept at a friend’s place because she was afraid to spend nights alone in the condo. She also asked a male friend to show her how to use a pistol, because she wanted to be able to protect herself. That seemed to be an odd request since Nikki was known to be terrified of guns.  On July 28, the day before Phil was to arrive with the U-Haul, Nikki apparently decided to treat herself to a preview of her new life as a single woman.

She deposited Zack with a sitter and went on a date. She and her new friend, Eric, went to a club and then to his apartment, where he introduced her to some of his friends. From there they went to a sports bar. 

Meanwhile, Phil’s calls were piling up on Nikki’s voice mail. He even placed a frantic call to one of Nikki’s friends at work to find out where Nikki was. At about 8 pm, Nikki looked at her watch and exclaimed that she had to make a call immediately. She refused to use Eric’s cell and called from a pay phone. When she returned to the table she was visibly shaken and stated she had to leave right away. That was the last time Eric saw her alive, though they did speak one final time at 12:30 am, when she called his cell phone to swear him to secrecy about their day together. Nikki collected Zack and returned to the condo.

The calls from Phil continued, eighteen in all. Phil subsequently identified those calls, made between 11 pm and 2:30 am, as a lover’s spat. He told police that he said some hurtful things to Nikki that might have caused her to search the condo for his gun so she could take her own life. Months later, the detective in charge of the case told Nikki’s family that this statement by Phil was the basis for his conclusion of suicide.

According to Nikki’s family, Phil also told police that he was a 20- year veteran of the police force in Wichita Falls, Texas. They contend that was a total lie and that Phil was never employed by any police department in Texas. When one of Nikki’s friends arrived at the condo at around 9:30 am on the 29th to help load the U-Haul, she was let in by Zack. He said his mother was sleeping in the bedroom. The friend said she searched the condo twice for Nikki, but never looked out on the balcony. Minutes later Phil arrived and discovered Nikki’s body.

Nikki’s family has questions about the police investigation and the ruling that Nikki committed suicide. They include: Phil never provided proof of his whereabouts the night of July 28, or explained why he blocked the phone records from showing where he was calling Nikki from. They believe he might have been en route to Mississippi, but it is possible that he was already there and Nikki didn’t know it;  Nikki was found in a chair with her right knee held by the table in front of her and her left leg down. Phil, the person who found her, has stated in writing, “The gun was sitting beside her on a small padded wicker stool with rod-iron railing.” However, the police photo shows the pistol on the chair, under Nikki’s left thigh. They wonder how Nikki was able to shoot herself in the temple and then place the pistol under her thigh;

On the table next to Nikki’s body was a pack of her Marlboro Medium 100’s. But they were to her left, not to the right where a right-handed person would normally place them. On the far side of the table was a pack of Marlboro Red 100’s with a lighter beside them. This second pack could indicate the presence of another person; There was also a portable phone, face down on the table, covered with blood.

A pathologist was hired to do a private autopsy and told the LaDue family that Nikki died instantly. If so, who bloodied the telephone? The police failed to collect the phone or lighter as evidence; The bullet that entered Nikki’s right temple exited through a tiny hole above her left ear. Allegedly it then hit the wall 5 feet 6 inches from the floor and 18 inches to Nikki’s left, ricocheted into the aluminum doorframe on the same wall, and then bounced back to land in a chair on the next balcony.

Police took no scene photos to document those facts. It seems strange that the exit wound was so small that three different funeral directors were unable to locate it, yet the bullet continued to travel at such a speed as to hit a wall, travel to the door frame, and have enough momentum left to fly back over Nikki’s head and land on a balcony six feet away. There is no police diagram of the path of the bullet, just a verbal description; and: would Nikki take her own life while the 5-year-old son whom she adored was in the same apartment?  Would she leave him all alone knowing he could possibly discover her body?

The family doesn’t believe she would have. For the LaDues, the questions are many, but the answers are few.

The case of Nikki LaDue January was discussed on Crime Wire Radio, Tuesday, March 15.  Her mother Bonnie was a guest.

Listen to internet radio with Denny Griffin on Blog Talk Radio

It's About Time For Ronda Reynolds!

By Heidi Hiatt

Both KING and KOMO News are reporting that former state trooper Ronda “Reynolds’ cause of death was changed from ‘suicide’ to ‘undetermined.’”

It’s about time. For those unfamiliar with the case, Barb Thompson, Reynolds’ mother, has a website dedicated to finding justice for her daughter,http://www.justiceforronda.com/.

Ronda Reynolds was found dead with a gunshot wound to her head in December of 1998. She and her new husband had a terrible argument prior to her death. She had indicated that she wanted to leave the relationship. According to a friend who was helping her, she was packing to do just that.

The circumstances of Reynolds’ death were suspicious and the evidence at the scene seemed to indicate a homicide, not a suicide. Her body had a blanket around it and the gun she allegedly used to kill herself was near her left hand. But she was shot in the right side of her head. It just goes downhill from there.

Her death was ruled a suicide in just a week. A suicide? Really? There is a 75 percent greater chance of homicide when you leave a bad relationship than when you’re in it. This is because even if the abuser doesn’t want you, they want to maintain control. You walking away means them losing control. Reynolds’ death, from an evidentiary standpoint, seems to me to scream loss of control, with cowardly attempts to cover up the truth.

In 2004 my family lost a friend to a similar situation. She wanted out, but escaping the terror her husband caused while pregnant and with three little girls in tow is very difficult. He killed her (and their unborn child) in front of their daughters, then fled the scene. Her family found the girls with her body the next day.

Thank God that the current Lewis County Coroner is bold enough and honest enough to reverse the ruling of suicide. It has taken a dozen years, a brave police detective, and a relentless crusade by a determined mother to get this far.

A note about that– sometimes when people take a public stand against domestic violence (especially within public sector professions), or accuse the government of poor performance or a coverup, they are quick to be branded as attention seekers.

Given the risks involved in taking such a stance, and the criticism, dangers, and stereotyping that comes with it, I can tell you that people don’t do it for fun. They do it for justice. They do it to bring light to the darkness. They might be the only person who can.

Let’s hope that the case will be examined with fresh eyes, that the evidence is thoroughly reviewed, and that if anyone needs to be brought to justice for murder, they are nailed for this. If there is cronyism involved that protected a killer, any involved parties, public officials or otherwise, need to be held accountable for that too.

Let the evidence speak. It talks when the victim no longer can.

Ann Rule just released her book on this case, In the Still of the Night: The Strange Death of Ronda Reynolds and Her Mother’s Unceasing Quest for the Truth,

Here is the full story from KOMO:

When Lewis County Coroner Warren McLeod campaigned for office, one of his promises was to change Ronda Reynolds’ death certificate.

It is his first official act, and it can’t come too soon for Reynolds’ mother.

“Well, you have to take a second and kind of pinch yourself and make sure it’s really real,” said Reynolds’ mother, Barb Thompson.

Thompson has fought numerous court battles and battled with authorities for one thing — to get the stigma of suicide removed from her daughter’s death certificate.

And on Tuesday, she won that battle as Reynolds’ cause of death was changed from “suicide” to “undetermined.”

“It’s like a big burden lifted off your shoulders,” Thompson said.

Reynolds died shortly before Christmas in 1998 of a single gunshot wound to the head. A Problem Solver investigation turned up expert witnesses who insist Reynolds was murdered.

Finally in 2009, Thompson and her experts convinced a judge and jury that Reynolds did not commit suicide.

But Terry Wilson, who was coroner at the time, still refused to change her death certificate.

“Frustrating,” said Thompson. “It was very, very frustrating.”

Now newly-elected coroner McLeod is following through on his promise to change Reynolds’ death certificate.

“We owe a duty to one thing, and that’s the truth,” he said.

Since the 2009 trial, Thompson, along with investigator Jerry Berry and author Ann Rule, have continued to search for new evidence in her daughter’s death.

McLeod says his next step is complete case review to see whether Reynolds’ cause of death on her death certificate should now be changed to homicide.

“We are in search for the truth, and that’s basically what forensics is. It’s science applied to the law and in search of the truth,” said McLeod.

Thompson now has real hope that the truth of her daughter’s death will be uncovered.

“I think if you just keep hanging in there and keep working at it, you’ll finally get the end result that is true justice,” said Thompson.

The new coroner plans to go over all of the evidence in Reynolds’ death, including new evidence unearthed over the past year.

What, or Who, Do You See?

By Charles Moncrief

You knew him as Crocodile Dundee. Maybe you knew him when he offered to "put a shrimp on the barbee" if you would go to visit Australia. Here is a clip from "Almost an Angel," a flop at the box office but a pretty good piece of work.

The clip is 9:57 long. I'd invite your attention to a segment from 3:27 to 7:00.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rU3GnQuR-8

Terry Dean, played by Hogan, has drifted into a particular town.

While sitting in a bar he notices Steve, a man in a wheelchair with a chip on his shoulder. The two of them get into an altercation, during which the other men in the bar attempt to rescue Steve.

When he waves them off, they say, "Come on Steve, you're a cripple."

Steve turns to Terry and asks, "What do you see?"

Terry says, "I see a man in a wheelchair...."

Later, Steve says to Terry, "You don't see a cripple. You see a man in a wheelchair."

What would you see? What would I see? Would we tend to see a wheelchair with a crippled person in it? Or could we honestly say we see a person in a wheelchair?

Yet, when we look at a person in any of a number of conditions, we attach labels.

A person whose sexual construct dominates toward homosexuality is "a gay" or "a homosexual."

A person who is in this country illegally is "an illegal."

Maybe you have your own examples, maybe you will if you reflect on the idea for a while.

We just recently discovered the mayor of Coppell, Texas dead in her home. Her nineteen-year-old daughter was also dead, both from gunshot wounds. Police, as of this writing, have not yet ruled the event a "murder-suicide." And yet, the public, consciously or unconsciously, has already attached the term "murder-suicide" to the two women! The mayor and her daughter are a "murder-suicide"!

Thank God we have very few people today who see someone on crutches or in a wheelchair and call that person "a cripple."

Whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, or gay-friendly is not at issue here. What matters is the image in your heart and mind whenever you encounter the subject of homosexuality.

Whatever side of the nation's immigration questions you find yourself on, what matters is whether you see the humanity of those who have entered the country illegally.

Whatever you feel about the tragedies involved when a person kills another and then himself or herself, what matters is that you see in your heart and mind that the lives of two human beings have ended.

Several years ago I remember an experience from my pastoral care education in a hospital. We were told that we weren’t allowed to mention “the broken leg in room 603.” In the emergency room we were never to talk about “the stab wound in exam room B.” Our directors were quite pointed when they reminded us that these were human beings with the applicable injuries, but they were in all cases human beings.

Could it be possible for us to change the hearts of society, so that the humanity of those in our lives might again be honored? No, of course not. But we can make a start just by changing our own hearts.

Will changing the names we associate with people in segments of society accomplish this? I believe it will, or at least it's worth a try.

If we do change our own hearts, will it help in the long term to reduce crime or domestic violence? Probably not to any noticeable degree. But maybe it could be a start. And maybe it could snowball.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Officer-Involved Domestic Violence

By Heidi Hiatt

Last weekend in Gig Harbor, a Pierce County Sheriff’s deputy shot and killed his in-laws, held his own children hostage, and then committed suicide.

I was shocked; then I wasn’t.

The media didn’t name the victims right away and I wanted to know who they were. The murder-suicide happened right behind my old middle school. I grew up in that area.

Like the Brame murder-suicide in Gig Harbor in 2003, in which the Tacoma police chief shot and killed his wife and then himself, this hit way too close to home. In more ways than one.

I didn’t want to blog about this until the investigating agency released the motive. The motive seemed predictable, but that’s probably because I’ve experienced domestic violence by cop. More than once.

Today the Tacoma News Tribune said that Deputy Allen Myron killed his mother-in-law and father-in-law because he believed they had “turned his wife against him.” There it is. Power and control. Shifting the blame.

Myron shot his father-in-law in the driveway, dragged his body into the garage, and then hosed the driveway down before shooting his mother-in-law. She managed to escape from the house and get help before dying at the hospital.

Myron’s daughter and a family friend were told to go downstairs, but it sounds like they were aware of what was going on. News reports say the friend tried to talk sense into Myron, but after conversing with the police for awhile, he committed suicide.

Myron’s wife had just gone to his commander about his behavior the day before. As in nearly every other shooting spree or domestic violence homicide, there were possible red flags ahead of time to indicate that something was wrong. There may have been emotional abuse. Problems in the marriage. Depression. A long-term medical leave and persistent physical pain.

Yet it’s hard to believe, when you’re part of that family, or friends with the troubled person, that they are capable of homicidal rage. Inevitably, people will remember a “devoted family man” and a “nice guy”, and he may well have been that part of the time. But now we know there was another part of him as well, the part that felt like he was losing control.

I know this man’s family loved him, and I don’t want to judge things I don’t know. But I do know that power and control is almost always the basis of abuse, and it can be complicated by mental illness and addiction. Domestic abuse affects an estimated 40 percent of law enforcement and military families, a higher percentage than the rest of the population.

If this man felt that his in-laws or someone else were “robbing” him of control over himself or his family, then he may have felt that he had to punish them for it. It is important to remember that the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. Some people just can’t stand losing control—they don’t want you, but they want the final say.

Before I continue, I want to say that some of the best and worst people I’ve ever known work in law enforcement. There are a lot of cops who selflessly risk their lives all the time for the greater good. I am eternally grateful for the police department that stood by me when I had to stand up to death threats and abuse by my police officer spouse.

Some of my best friends work in law enforcement. I have family in law enforcement, and I’m a fourth generation civil servant. My family has law enforcement associations going back to the 14th century. I will be the first person on your case—like a bad rash—if you malign the good cops I know.

But there are psychologically ill and abusive people in the profession who take their problems out on their families. They project blame onto others, they can’t leave their authority and badge at work, they accuse everyone else of perpetuating problems that only they can control. My life has been profoundly affected by such people, as well as the actions of the police department I worked for that led to my being harassed out of my job and long-term unemployment.

So desperate was one supervisor to cover their actions that they committed perjury in an unemployment hearing. I never got unemployment benefits even in spite of a concurrent disability issue. I believe this person used my domestic violence situation to undermine my credibility so I wouldn’t be believed if I reported them for a suspected wrongdoing. Who would believe the “problem employee” who was already accused of lying about domestic violence to “get attention”?

I have been so deeply disturbed by the incidences of certain behavior patterns and mental issues I’ve seen in some law enforcement employees that I earned my criminal justice degree and am working on my master’s to address those issues. The current hiring and screening procedures that police departments use to weed out undesirables can be beaten by psychopaths and other cunning personalities.

On top of that, there is such a strong sense of brotherhood within law enforcement that some people will do just about anything to protect a coworker accused of a crime. Many police officers have such powerful bonds because they have to protect each other’s lives. They have to know that the next guy’s always got their back. That can become a problem when the next guy does something wrong.

Additionally, I feel very strongly that police employees and their families are not provided with appropriate crisis and stress management resources. So not only do some deviant people gravitate towards the profession, but decent people can be damaged by its macho, show-no-weakness culture once in it. Their families are frequently forgotten about when the employee needs treatment. Families would also benefit if each shift concluded with a debriefing similar to the briefing that starts officers’ days.

In the wake of the Brame murder-suicide in Tacoma in 2003, many police departments instituted domestic violence policies, supposedly to protect victims of police officer abusers. Networking with other survivors of cop domestic violence, as well as my interactions with lawmakers, has shown me that these policies are largely ineffective. The department I used to work for put such a policy in place a month after my abuser was arrested, but it did not apply to me because the perpetrator worked for a different department.

I have heard far worse stories than mine from women who’ve stood up to domestic abuse in law enforcement, but I can attest to the mismanagement of such cases by police departments too. When I joined the state’s Address Confidentiality Program, my supervisors tried to publish my actual home address in the department directory anyway. They illegally coerced me into giving them that address in a sealed envelope, which was always hanging over my head when I tried to fight back against mistreatment.

When I asked to park in the police department’s underground parking garage, my request was ignored. The county prosecutor’s office asked the chief’s office for me, and I got an email from my boss suggesting that I park at a new lot a quarter mile away—in the dark of winter. I already parked off-campus and because of working different hours than my coworkers, walked to and from my car alone. My then-spouse had threatened to kill me with his “sniper rifle” while I was in my car at work.

I was not allowed to tell my police officer coworkers that I had a protection order, anti-harassment order, and restraining order against my abuser, meaning that he might not have been questioned if he showed up at my workplace. When he “sold” his personal firearms to a lifelong friend and next door neighbor to spring them from safekeeping, I had to go over the police department’s head to get the mayor’s backing to tell my coworkers what was going on. That was for their protection as well as my own—and even then, the department wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t allowed to do it. The union did.

What my coworkers knew about my situation was tightly controlled, and while most of my coworkers seemed neutral about my situation, the harassment and bullying from certain people never stopped. One lieutenant allegedly told their squad to ignore the allegations against my ex because I was making them up for attention. The department did nothing. My supervisor later told me that “we didn’t want to be sued for libel and slander for telling people about the arrest and court orders”—even though the perpetrator had agreed to attend two years of alcoholism and batterer’s treatment to get the charges dropped.

In my exit interview, at a time when I had just lost a family member and needed a medical leave but decided to get out instead, I tried to report everything that had happened to me on the job– again. To date I had been told I was an extremist, that I was outspoken, that I was treating a supervisor poorly, asked if I were going to become a “man hater”, and reminded several times that no one wanted to get involved in a “personality conflict” between me and a supervisor.

There were different standards for me, and the rules surrounding my duties were subject to change. I was under intense scrutiny. I was talked to as if I were a troublemaker who was harassing others. I was treated like a liar, and routine requests for time off were treated as suspicious. Personal information was shared with people I didn’t tell. I was pushed out of certain projects and committees, and credit was unfairly taken for work I did.

My passion for helping crime victims was ridiculed as me promoting my own vendettas and personal agenda. There were two incidents in which I almost called 911 from my desk (which was answered in the same building). It was, by legal definition, a hostile work environment.

Returning to the above-mentioned exit interview, the HR director looked at me and said, in the presence of a witness, “We hope you never work in law enforcement again. It’s a poor fit for you and you don’t follow orders well.” Conveniently, the witness had the day off when I presented that statement as proof of what had happened in my unemployment benefits hearing.

I could continue on for pages about how I was treated for standing up to a cop abuser, and what it has cost. I could not go to training at other agencies without people gesturing at me and staring at me. When I got out of that job and applied for other law enforcement jobs, I soon wondered if I had been informally blacklisted despite the official background checks on me being clean.

There was no form of legal help at any level who was willing to take on a police department over this treatment. Government agencies wouldn’t help, attorneys wouldn’t listen without down payments, and many people told me to drop it and walk away. I tried to get help from the police chief and new mayor, and everyone else I could think of, but was largely ignored.

I was blessed to have a dynamic prosecution team and steadfast police department defending me during the criminal proceedings following my abuser’s arrest, but there was no such protection for my job and reputation. When I had another traumatic law enforcement-related experience years later, I realized that until something blatantly criminal happens, there’s nowhere to go. You have to defend yourself and seek appropriate resources to get yourself back together rather than depending on the system like a “normal” victim.

Those things now lie in my past, and I believe in a just God who has seen it all. He said vengeance is His, and He’s a lot bigger and scarier than me. Knowing He’s in control and that He is concerned with my accusers’ lives as much as He is with mine has allowed me to move on.

My immediate concern is for the wife of Allen Myron. Is she being believed? Will her concerns be downplayed or minimized in defense of a murderer because he was a cop? Will the fabled “blue curtain” close her off from information that will substantiate her concerns? Is mental health counseling and religious support, if applicable, being provided to her and their children? Or are they being told not to talk to anyone while the investigation is active?

Will Myron’s family get good support from his coworkers and the department? Did Myron’s coworkers or superiors see behaviors they should have reported? Was he provided with proper resources, like mental health counseling or psychological screening? Was this agency prepared for the psychological fallout that could happen after recently losing five associated officers, four in the same incident?

The Pierce County Sheriff’s Office has already been through hell the past six months and I can’t imagine what they’re going through now. I just hope and pray that the Myron family is being given everything that department can give while this crime is investigated, and that they are not forgotten when it all settles down. Let’s trust that law enforcement employees affected by this tragedy are provided with mandatory, ongoing psychological support.

I hope we learn that Pierce County acted swiftly and decisively at the first hint that something was amiss in this deputy’s life. That took amazing resolve for his wife to even approach the department for help. When you report a domestic abuser, you don’t know what they’re going to do to you or your children, or anyone else, when they find out they’re in the hot seat.

Authorities also need to realize that the first report of domestic violence is often an exploratory exercise in which a victim only mentions some of what’s going on, just enough to get their attention. Details that could affect the abuser’s job or family’s safety are frequently left out. The victim initially wants to know what help is available and will only reveal the whole story when they’re relatively sure that they can trust the police department they’re talking to.

By mentioning my own story as just one example of how police departments mismanage officer-involved domestic violence cases, I hope that policymakers and authorities will realize how important it to have procedures in place for times like these. Officer-involved domestic violence policies should not exclude certain people or allow victims to be harassed or bullied. These policies should provide swift, sure action to prevent tragedies like this as much as possible.

Pierce County may have done everything by the book. If they have, then they should be upheld as an example of how to deal with officer-involved domestic violence correctly. I’m not alleging any wrongdoing. It may turn out that Pierce County has no responsibility in this matter. There might not have been any warning signs on their end, although their spokesperson said something about there being a problem with this employee before. It should also be noted that he wasn’t on duty when this happened.

Was it preventable? Was Sara Myron treated properly when she came forward? For the record, I am NOT trying to create disruptive conspiracy theories. These are the questions that have to be asked every time an officer-involved domestic violence incident happens. We need to learn what we can from these crimes and do our utmost to keep them from happening again.

I really believe that if law enforcement families are provided with proper psychological support and resources, and domestic violence victims in those families know they will be taken seriously when they come forward, we could significantly reduce the incidence of domestic violence among cops. Whatever happened in this case, let’s be honest about it and improve upon it.

I guarantee that when this story first went public, there were scores of police officer wives sitting at home praying, “oh dear God, please don’t let this happen to our family.” And if any of those women had decided to seek help from law enforcement, at least a few of them would be guaranteed to be permanently branded as liars, attention whores, deceivers, martyrs, sympathy-seekers, and any other derogatory term that excuses their abuser’s cowardly violence. They would be considered lepers and driven to the fringes of cop society.

Do you want to lose your friends? Wind up fighting for custody of your kids? Lose your house? Decimate your life savings and any other financial resources? Relocate to an entirely different area? Have potential partners run away when they find out your “past”? Live in isolation? Miss out on future job opportunities? Have to avoid certain places, even certain cities? Put your life goals and dreams on hold?

How about having to arrange your legal affairs so that every last detail of your situation is automatically disseminated to multiple entities if something happens to you? And having to prepare yourself mentally to have absolutely no hesitation to kill someone in self-defense should you ever be forced to defend yourself or your family? You can achieve all of this and more by standing up to domestic violence in law enforcement.

It shouldn’t be like this. It’s not fair that some victims are taken seriously and others are automatically derided. Every officer-involved domestic violence incident should be reviewed by a higher authority than the police department where the suspect and/or victim work. Having another agency investigate allegations isn’t good enough. Incidents need to be reviewed outside of police culture to avoid any negative influences.

There should be a state-level panel made up of both public and private sector representatives that will review the department’s actions and ensure fair treatment of the victims. Panel members should include domestic violence advocates from nonprofit organizations. A department’s actions should be fully transparent and they should be held accountable if the domestic violence survivors in question are treated any differently than “regular” survivors.

In conclusion, and I know I’ve been jumping around, my thoughts and sympathies go out to the Myron family. What mixed emotions and horrors you must all be dealing with as you process the loss of three family members. I hope that you are treated with respect, with dignity, with honor, and with love. You deserve no less from a system sworn to protect you and serve you.

Sara, I have the utmost respect for your courage. It could have been difficult to try to get help for your husband. Obviously you had valid reasons to come forward in an effort to find solutions. Whatever the case may be, I admire your strength. I hope you find peace in knowing that you had the resolve to ask for assistance—it shows how deeply you love and care about your family.

************************************************************************************

For more information on preventing officer-involved domestic violence, as well as domestic violence in general, please copy and paste these links into your browser:

http://www.abuseofpower.info/

http://www.heavybadge.com/

http://policedomesticviolence.com/

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

http://www.ndvh.org/

http://behindthebluewall.blogspot.com

http://murphymilanojournal.blogspot.com