The Burden of Expense Falls on Families of the Missing

By Glendene Grant, Jessie Foster's Mom

Editor's note:  This article is for those of the general public who think "this can't happen to me."  Life has a funny way of changing in the blink of an eye for a victim of any crime, but for a mother whose child is missing, whether that child is 5 or 50, life becomes a totally new reality.  Not only does a mother spend every waking hour searching, but the act of searching comes at a huge financial expense for families and communities, one that many can not afford.  There are no victim assistance funds set up for families of the missing, they must carry that burden alone, only with the support and aid of  missing persons organizations and private citizens who care and support their efforts.  It's too heavy for some.  Glendene Grant speaks not only for herself, but for the thousands of families with missing loved ones trying to get by in a bad economy with this added expense.  What would you do?


I urge you to leave comments with ideas of solutions.  Glendene Grant and those in her position have many supporters and those who pray for them, however, now they need concrete solutions, so if you are inclined to leave a comment for her, let it be something that also contains an idea on how to lift some of the financial burden so she and other families of the missing can figure out how to survive.

Most of you know that I am the mother of a missing woman. You know that Jessie Foster is an international endangered missing woman and the victim of human trafficking. But what you may not know is this . . .

Emotionally: we are completely spent – overdrawn, as you can imagine.

Spiritually: we are fortunate to have many people who are there for us, helping us stay strong.

Financially: we are drained . . . barely hanging on by the skin of our teeth and in some instances, we have lost our hold.

I would appreciate it so much, if somehow, the Canadian government could help us out with the costs involved with having a missing loved one for nearly 5 years - FOR NEARLY HALF A DECADE!! The income stops, (temporarily for some and permanently for others . . . who can work when this happens?) but the bills don't. The everyday bills keep piling up.

And then there are all the new bills – for private investigators; trips to meet with investigators or to identify bodies; money for paper and ink to make posters; hundred if not thousands of long-distance phone calls; you name it, we have to pay for it. It is very overwhelming.But who do I have to turn to? No one. Sadly, there is no one to help me. 


Thankfully we have done a lot of fundraising, but it is a lot to keep asking of my small community. We have done most of the fundraising here in Kamloops, BC, with a few in Calgary, AB and Edmonton, AB – there was even a yard sale in Surrey, BC back in the summer of 2006. It has certainly helped, but it is just not enough.

I have spent all my money and much of my time trying to find my own daughter and to prevent this from happening to others. I volunteer my time to go into high-schools with Crime Stoppers to educate the students about human trafficking. I do all I can to combat this horrific crime, and then I go home to no groceries in my home; rent not paid; BC Hydro, Teresan Gas, Shaw Cable & Internet and Telus threatening to shut off  my services (Telus did disconnect my long distance due to their own error – and without crediting me for this horrible inconvenience, so I finally got rid of them and I have got Shaw phone now). I have no credit cards, because I had no money to pay them and so now I also have to deal with my credit being in the toilet.

The list goes on and on, and until now, I have not sat around whining and complaining much about it, but I do feel that I have the right to sometimes, so I am letting it out now. I am tired of not being able to cook a decent meal or make some cookies because my grandchildren are coming over, or for the life of me - TO BUY MY BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILDREN A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. I can't even do that at this time of my life. After years . . . after decades of working and providing for my family, I now cannot even provide for myself.

PLEASE, help me get some justice for Jessie and some help for me. I really can't keep on going like this, but I know I will. No matter what, I WILL FIND JESSIE, OR DIE TRYING.

Again, thank you all for your time and prayers, and remember, with Christmas coming, we have another hurdle to get over. Christmas 2005 was the last day that I ever laid my eyes on my daughter. Christmas is hard enough when you have a missing child, but with that day marking the ‘anniversary’ (for lack of a better word), sadly, it can be one of the worst days of the year. And without money to pay bills, there is certainly no money to celebrate the holiday.

I am putting my Christmas 2010 message to Jessie below.

Sincerely, Jessie’s mom Glendene Grant.

---

To my Jessie-Bessie:

2010 . . . another Christmas without you here. Five Christmases of not knowing but never forgetting. I will always remember my last sight of you, it was on Christmas Day 2005 – SIX CHRISTMASES AGO. You were going into the Kamloops airport and you flew away, to the fate that awaited you, a fate that no one knew or saw coming, except maybe you, my girl.

We think of you and talk about you every day – I even talk TO you almost every day. We all miss you so much, but your sisters miss you like only a sister can. Crystal needs her little sister back, she needs you to be there in her life again. And your little sisters are both mothers now. Katie has a little boy Jacobus James, or JJ, who is almost 2 and Jennee has two little girls, Maddison Louise, or Maddie, is almost 3 and Ilianna Joy, or Ili, is almost 1. They are the most wonderful, beautiful, joyful little children you could ever know. Your little sisters need their big sister Jessie to know their babies. Their babies know you, sweetie. They love you already, and we promise you, no matter what, they will know you as we do.

We all love you baby and we all need you back. And always know this, sweet daughter of mine, I WILL FIND YOU . . . OR DIE TRYING.I love you baby-girl, love Mom. xoxoxoxox

Cliff Divers and Rabbit Hoppers

By Jillian Maas Backman

I want to dedicate this entry to my good internal emotional friend,   Fear.  One of the most mis-understood emotions and yet, has the greatest potential to be our working warrior beside all of us in a time of need.  

  

So much is written about this illusive emotional condition.  Just the word alone conjures up a negative reaction and sends people into a tailspin.  Why?  Along the way, we have received implied mixed messages, finger pointing towards FEAR as the “evil one” from our emotional piggy bank from which to draw from.  Origins deriving from such statements, as “We must conquer our fears!”  “That fear is going to kill you!”  “FEAR is the root to all evil!”  This kind of verbiage sets up a battlefield inside your conscious mind.  Think about it this way, whenever someone goes into battle there will always be a winner and loser.  When we apply this same kind of tactical representation towards fear, it is no longer an ally.  It becomes an adversary to suppress.  Nothing good comes from this kind of thinking in your head.  We end up segregating pieces of ourselves and assign judgment.  A power struggle ensues between good and evil.   

We have humiliated ourselves into thinking it is cowardly if we admit experiencing some form of fear.  Somehow, we are less emotionally healthy if we have bouts of fearful momental breakdowns.  What a set up that is, in so many sad sad ways.  Fear is a human emotional conditions we should honor and respect on different levels.  It is not meant to be a comfortable state of being, by any means what so ever.  

NEVERTHELESS, it can be an immutable force behind your intentions! 

Every human emotion was given to us for a higher purpose of some kind.  I believe we are trying to think our way through changing the human archetype we were heavenly blessed with from inception.  Impossible and a waste of human time.  My ability to feel fear is necessary for my survival in certain situations.  It is how you act upon those internal markings is a gift not a punishment.

Let us take the fear out of “being in fear.”

First, there is lots of wiggle room between using fear as a catalyst for expansion and creating a fear addiction.  As always, I am addressing a healthy dose of “fearness” herein.  This is not intended for those of you that feel you may have crossed into the danger zone of a “fear addiction.”  As with all addictive behavior, intervention prevention by trained professional is always advised. 

Please do not abandon your sense of fearing.

Fear, as with all other human emotions, will be present forever.  It is our natural sense indicator of change in the rawest form possible, an involuntary boundary sensor.  The minute you find yourself outside your comfort zone, that fear brain sensor will be busy transmitting all forms of warning signs.  Why in the world would you want to intellectually spend time fighting against this loving emotional companion is beyond me.  For goodness sake, walk with it. 

Years ago, I too was immobilized with my own fears.  My perceived options were either ignore the presence of it and force my way through or accept defeat and surrender.  Both seem ludicrate at the time.  Neither option was going to get me to my desired destination of transformation.  I trusted myself enough to know that fear was not my enemy.  I  was being guided to delve deeper for illumination on the gift of heavenly fear.  The answer was not about the elimination of it, more on how to manage my way through the consistency of fear.  How do you deal with the innate presence of emotional fear?

Which one are you;   Cliff Diver or a Rabbit Hopper:

Before I share the details, let me preface this by stating:  No one category is better than the other.  Each one has inherited advantages and disadvantages.  I use these labels as a fun way of stepping out from the wake of fear, observing how you personally deal with conflict resolutions, and possible modifications.

Cliff Diver:  Peaks of Fearlessness followed by Peaks of Fear

Now cliff divers are the ones that do exactly what the label sounds like.  Not literally, of course.  When they decide to make changes, they usually go big.  Not in the sense of crazy big, more like something out of the ordinary.  The opposite, they sit back, internally analyze, wait for the right moment to jump, and then jump long!  All the while, vacillating between moments of fear-ness and fearless-ness.  This reminds me of that old cartoon, Wily E Coyote and the Road Runner.  The coyote would chase the roadrunner off the end of a cliff.  His first reaction on his face described it all.  “Oh crap, what did I just do?”  Eyes wide as silver dollars, realizing his forthcoming quandary, flapped   his arms as fast as he could in the attempt to soften the blow with his eventual landing.  He always seemed   to survive another day of relentless chasing the Roadrunner.    

Advantage:  

-Fear instantly subsides.  There is immediate spontaneous resolve to the inaction of fear. 

-Go with the flow kind of people, flexible

-More times than not, this decision defines completion.

-  Meaning, you have completed a cycle in your life that has been festering for a long time and your inability for movement has stalled.  Your last bit of built up fears pushed you forward to a decisive action and possibly propel you to new territory of exploration.

- Feel your way through fears.  No intrinsic internal need to identify and label each fear individually. 

-Able to handle both conscious and unconscious pretara of “perceived fears” simultaneously.

-Insights always come from a multitude life lessons.   

Disadvantages:

-Be aware of compulsive fearless moments.  It is an incredible motivator but may also create lingering repercussions.

-Be conscious that you are a cliff diver.  The natural order of human fear will settle in again, but the configuration will definitely be different from before.  You will eventually decide to jump off the cliff of fearlessness once again and the cycle will repeat.  What measure have you set in place to reconfigure a new way of handling fears when it comes around again?  A good solution would be to adapt the ways of a “rabbit hopper…”  Therefore, when you decide to “jump” again the aftermath may have a softer landing.

Rabbit Hoppers:  Equal amount of fear and fearlessness

Bless them, for many do not understand their unseemly unassuming ways.  We are promoters of cliff divers in this country.  “Go Big or Go Home.”  Come on really?  Not every big way is the best way.  There are times when slow and steady is the best method to resolutions of all kinds.  I again reference a childhood story, “The Tortoise and the Hare.”  Even though the hare is portrayed in this parable as the one who lost in the end maybe both were correct. 

Advantages:

-Break down fears into workable “chucks of insights.”

-Deal with fear as it comes along.  They live by the rule, literally, one-step at a time.  In this case, one hop at a time. 

- Extremely methodical in handling all aspects of fear- based experiences.  Goals firmly placed in front of them.  Set in their immediate intentions.

-Can only deal with single fear issues one at a time.  Multi-tasking lessons are not an option. 

-Keep internal fear/fearlessness in balance.

Disadvantages: 

  -Assume fearlessness as being out of control.

-Tendency to avoid situations of complete fearlessness and spontaneous decision.

-Inflexible.  Rarely deviate from the pre-set course of action.

- There will be times of urgency to make a fast decision.  Fear is an incredible activator for quick movements.  Many times rabbit hoppers avoid this kind of situations at all cost.  That itself can create potential  danger.  You must adapt and take the “cliff diver” approach and jump in.

In order for rabbit hoppers to continue to move forward, they must always keep a balanced perspective on both fear and fearlessness.  That is a tall order, for the demure rabbit.  Fear has a tendency to silently take over the rabbit hoppers momentum.

I presented this fun fear quiz to demonstrate how each one of us handle and manage the stress of fear.  Both represent the beautiful ways in which we assimilate our fears, transpose them into lessons, and share our well -traveled  wisdom with others.   

In gracious love, Jillian Maas Backman

Jillian Maas Backman is an Intuitive Life, Author (Beyond the Pews, spring 2011), and Award winning Radio Host.  She can be heard on her weekly Sunday morning program entitled:  “It’s For You” on-air 9-10am(CST)  Lake 961 fm,   Lake Geneva, WI, North Shore Chicago, Ill or by listening on-line world wide  at  www.lake961.com   

Why You Only Remember The Good Stuff of a Bad Relationship--Part II

By Sandra L. Brown

Last time I began discussing the reasons why women have a difficult time "remembering the bad aspects of the relationship." 

Women describe the sensation of only remembering the good times, the good feelings and being 'fuzzy' or sort of forgetting all the bad things he has done when they think of him. This process seems to be triggered by an emotional feeling (such as longing or loneliness) AND/OR by a memory or hearing his voice, seeing an email, etc. 

Last time we also discussed how good and bad memories are stored in the brain differently. Good memories are stored upfront and easily accessed. Bad memories are stored and compartmentalized in the mind and are harder to access (think of, for instance, child abuse memories and how people so often repress or forget these memories). 

This article we are going to talk about ANOTHER reason why you only remember the good stuff of a bad relationship. (This is covered in detail in the book 'Women Who Love Psychopaths.') The second reason is based on our own biological hardwiring. We are wired with a pleasure base that is called our Reward System. We associate pleasure with being rewarded or something 'good.' We are naturally attracted to pleasure. The pathological (at least in the beginning) stimulates the pleasure base and we associate that with a 'reward'-- that is, we 'enjoy his presence.' 

Pathologicals are also often excessively dominant and strong in their presence, something we have gone on to call 'Command Presence.' What we enjoy in him is all the good feelings + his strong dominate command presence. Being rewarded by his presence AND experiencing the strength of that presence registers as pleasure/ reward. Although he later goes on to inflict pain, pleasure or good memories, as we saw last time, are stored differently in the brain. 

Our brains tend to focus on one or the other and we have a natural internal 'default' to lean towards remembering and responding to our Reward System and pleasure. On the other hand, memories associated with punishment or pain are short lived and stored differently in the brain. They can be harder to access and 'remember.' When you experience pleasure with him (whether it's attention, sex, or a good feeling) it stimulates the reward pathway in the brain. This helps to facilitate 'extinction' of fear. 

Fear is extinugished when fear is hooked up with pleasant thoughts, feelings, and experiences (such as the early 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship). When fear + pleasant feelings are paired together, the negative emotion of the fear gives way to the pleasant feelings and the fear goes away. Your Reward System then squelches your anxiety associated with repeating the same negative thing with the pathological. 

The memories associated with the fear/anxiety/punishment are quickly extinguished. For most people, the unconscious pursuit of reward/pleasure is more important than the avoidance of punishment/pain. This is especially true if you were raised with pathological parents in which you became hyper-focused on reward/pleasure because you were chronically in so much pain. Given that our natural hardwired state of being is tilted towards pleasure and our Reward System, it makes sense as to why women have an easier time accessing the positive memories. 

Once these positive memories become 'intrusive' and the only thing you can think about is now the good feelings associated with the pathological, the positive memories have stepped up the game to obsession and often a compulsion to be with him despite the punishment/pain associated with him. 

These two reasons why bad memories are hard to access have helped us understand and develop intervention based on the memory storage of bad memories and the reward/punishment system of the brain. If you struggle with the continued issue of intrusive thoughts and feel 'compelled' to be with him or pursue a destructive relationship...you are not alone. This is why understanding his pathology, your response to it, and how to combat these over- whelming sensations and thoughts are part of our retreat/psycho- educational program. 

Remembering only the good can be treated!

Yours…Mine…Ours

By Gaetane Borders 

 

 Do you ever wonder why children seem to be miniature portraits of their parents? Sometimes I laugh aloud when I watch my son walking because he has the exact same gait and swagger that my husband has. The only problem is that my husband walks the way that he does because he has a bad back and knees from the wear and tear over the years. So why then does our nine-year-old’s walk mirror his father’s? Surely he doesn’t have pre-arthritic symptoms! The answer is pretty clear…he has adopted his juvenile swagger due to the phenomenon known as modeling.

While there is no harm in a child copying his daddy’s walking pattern, this mimicking can pose a problem when it relates to emotional issues. How we cope, how we express our emotions, and how we demonstrate love and admiration are all things that we pass on to our children. Oftentimes I can tell what parents are like before meeting them just by the way their children act. For example, kids who are unduly aggressive or who use profane language are usually in an environment where they see and hear such behaviors. Sure, behavior and temperament do have a genetic component as well. But remember that children learn largely by watching what we adults do and how we react.

A national study was done recently in which it reported that 1 out of 4 adults is clinically depressed. Suicide is on the rise, particularly among African American men. Other studies show that 1 out of 3 girls are molested before the age of 18, and 1 out of 5 boys report having been molested during this same time frame. The emotional baggage that this sort of trauma creates is extensive, and without the needed therapy can have lasting debilitating effects. Moreover, it can negatively impact future relationships and how one relates to others.

It is so important to the success of our families that we, as adults, heal ourselves so that we can be fully functional, happy, and effective parents. Our children are watching, learning, and imitating our behaviors, and your baggage can ultimately become their baggage. If you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms related to depression or anxiety, please consult with a counseling professional. It will not only make a difference in your life, it will make a difference in your child’s life as well. 

"Are Feelings Facts?"

 By Sandra L. Brown


Women don't know whether to trust what they feel or not. Are you confused over whether feelings are factual or if they are fiction? You're not alone. Women struggle where to draw the line between believing what they think and questioning it. 


On one hand, feelings can be red flags in the beginning or in the midst of the relationship. Red flags can be emotional, physical, or spiritual warnings of what is happening or what is yet to be. 


Emotional red flags are feelings you get while in the relationship--constant worry, dread, wondering, suspicion, anxiety, depression, or obsession. Often the emotional red flags are quickly noticed by other people in your lives who point out that you have changed since the relationship--and not for the good. Lots of times women don't want to 'hear' about their emotional changes since being in the relationship. 


Other times, women already KNOW they are having emotional red flags about him or aspects of the relationship.


In either case, it's important to know that emotional red flags can be GOOD PREDICTORS OF THE POTENTIAL LONGEVITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Many women notice that the red flags they had at the beginning of the relationship ARE the reasons the relationship eventually end. So emotional red flags can be great tools and often accurate. 


Waiting for feelings to become 'facts' before you act on them can be very dangerous. In the case of emotional red flags (and your intuition), responding NOW instead of later can help you exit the relationship quickly. By the time a feeling IS A FACT, many things could have happened.
(For more info on red flags, see the first few chapters of the Dangerous Man book.) 


ON THE OTHER HAND (there's always 'an other hand' isn't there?)--women wonder if the intense feelings they are having are an indicator of 'true love' or why would they be having them? Women often experience confusing emotions when trouble starts in the relationship. She either becomes confused when the relationship turns bad or she becomes confused when she has ended the relationship. This confusion takes the form of "if he was so mean to me, why do I still have feelings for him? I must still love him if I can't stop thinking about him even if he did bad things. Do my feelings mean I should go back with him?"


In these cases 'feelings' are not facts. It is human nature to seek attachment and bonding. When that is ripped away there is an emptiness that happens. Women often think that 'means' that they were in love if they experience the aftermath of 'loss.' It just means you are feeling the loss. 


Women often think that since they 'miss the good times of the relationship' they must miss him. What women actually often are missing is the 'feelings' that were generated in the relationship when it was good. Women miss feeling of being 'in love' or 'attached' or 'wanted and desired' or 'safe and secure.' When women can separate out what they really 'miss' they often can see that 'he' represented those feelings she was having. She misses the feelings of the illusion of being in a good relationship.  


Missing 'him' might not really be 'missing him.' Who is 'him' -- the dangerous man/cheater/liar/or pathological? You miss that 'him'? No. You miss the feelings of being in love. 


Tell yourself -- "What I am missing are the feelings of being in a good relationship.' Remind yourself of that when you mis-interpret those feelings as meaning you 'want him back.' Often that isn't the case. Recognize that this very 'feeling' thing is what propels women right back out there seeking to 'feel loved' again and attach to those feelings you are missing. It places women very 'at-risk' of repeating the same mistake. 


Here---try this. Draw a line down the middle of the page. On one side, list the feelings you miss having. On the other side, list the dangerous man traits/behaviors/incidents. 


Now take a look. Which do you really miss? 


Feelings can be accurate when we are getting red flags in the relationship. Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging whether to return to relationship because we think we 'miss' him when in fact, what we miss are the feelings that were generated in the relationship. 


Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging the intensity and equate that with love or something healthy in the relationship. Understanding the importance of 'feelings' in all stages of a relationship can help you recognize just 'what' your feelings are telling you and when to heed them and when to be a little suscipious of their messages to you! 

Re-Setting the Energy of Anger

By Jillian Maas Backman


As I sat and pondered my topic of discussion for this blog entry, I kept coming back to the idea of “energy of anger” and its advanced stage, the “energy of rage.”


How many of you hold onto the energy of anger, mindlessly exploiting this erratic behavior as a catalyst for getting ahead on your path to success? How many of you are in an ANGER RUT?—unwilling to consider the thought of relinquishing this detrimental pattern while fearing you will stagnate in your own inadequate resentments.


The energy of anger often masks itself behind other emotions and obscures our vision of the world around us.  Dominating and relentless, it will ultimately suffocate all other emotional energies.  It will subject you to a life of surface dwelling—an inability to commit to intimate connections with those around you.  Instead, you shuffle though relationships like an old set of “hand-me-down playing cards” for the sole purpose of avoiding the possibility of feeling vulnerable. At some level, we all can relate to that. Living in a state of vulnerability is very risky business. You must open your heart and your soul to all sorts of subjective, painful passages.  In a suspended state of anger, you may be able to avoid the human fall-out of uncontrollable experiences.  But ask yourself this question; what blessed events are you missing because your veil of anger is holding you back?


I want to share a few thoughts on how you have the opportunity to shift that anger into a moldable paradigm of reality.  From childhood on, we are taught to use this statement when we are unhappy with others:  “I am angry with you.”  If you remove two simple words from the statement, you’re essentially left with “I am Anger.”  After years and years of repetition, one begins to accept the possibility that this is true.   You are anger, and anger is you.  You become one with the anger. In the old paradigm, human emotions such as anger, are characterized as personality traits.  Unfortunately, the chances of reversing a characteristic trait are very rare.  It takes years and years of commitment and accountability. 


Moving into adulthood, I began to perceive human emotions as human conditions, which are curable.  When you start accepting this truth, wonderful events will begin to occur.  One can experience human emotions without being overtaken by them.    This can be accomplished by “re-setting your emotional paradigm”.

Many teachers, including myself, encourage others to make decisions from a place of love, not fear, human- based emotion.  It helps to give yourself permission to detach from the emotional components of your personality.  Think of the process of detachment in terms of an archery target.  The target is composed of concentric circles of different colors, rings inside of rings, all encircling the core center, which is always pictured in red.  The red represents your soul center.  This center is steadfast and grounded in the pure essence of love, peace, calm and balance, and most importantly, isolated from outside forces.


The outer rings represent human emotional conditions, accumulated over time as protective mechanism.  These accumulated emotions can be either positive or negative.  As a functional person, you have complete control over human conditional emotions.   Are the emotional rings of your target negative, positive, or perhaps a mix of both?    


It's all right to experience both positive and negative emotions.  What is important is to remember that the soul, the center of the target, never wavers.  It is the essence of who we are, even when we feeling a myriad of human emotions.  By becoming aware of the separation of the “rings” we can develop more conscious control over our emotions.


In loving gratitude, Jillian.


Jillianmaasbackman.com


Listen online every Sunday 9 am to 10 am, central standard time,  www.lake961.com.

When Friends and Family Are Not Enough

By Gaetane Borders

In a time when so much has been written and discussed about the number of violent crimes and the survivors of such heinous acts, less has been said about how to treat the associated emotional and mental anguish that undoubtedly occurs.  For many, talking to friends and family members is a definite source of comfort in trying times.  Others may seek out the guidance of clergy and pastors, while some people choose to channel their energies into helping others in similar circumstances.  Depending on your personality and needs, any and all of the aforementioned can be beneficial to healing. 

However, there is another method that can also help those who are grieving or in any form of mental distress…clinical therapy.  Therapy is a commitment to improving your emotional health, and considering it as a means of helping you through the darkest times in your life is a courageous decision.  Nonetheless, there are a lot of people that would gain from seeing a therapist who have difficulty perceiving the benefit.  For some, thinking about discussing personal thoughts with a stranger is anxiety provoking. 

Some of the other concerns that people may have are:

·       I am going to find out something I won’t like about myself.

Attending therapy can be difficult, especially when you are in the process of uncovering memories and experiences that were not previously discussed.  However, your therapist will be cognizant of this delicate situation, and is there to help you make sense of your feelings and emotions.

·       I tried therapy once and it didn’t work.

Just because you may have tried therapy once before, do not be discouraged into thinking that you won’t gain something by visiting another therapist.  Finding the right professional with whom you form a rapport is key.  Also, there are a multitude of different kinds of therapy…not all involve sitting on a couch while you pour out your deep dark secrets.  For instance, there is art therapy, dance therapy, music therapy, and group therapy to name only a few.  Don’t be afraid to try all kinds to see which works best for you.

·       What will people think if they find out that I see a therapist? 

Most people do, indeed, care what others think of them.  However, it is your decision whether you want to share this with anyone.  Also, keep in mind, a true supportive friend or family member would never make you feel less than for seeking therapy. 

·       Only crazy people go to therapy.

What is associated with this attitude is the myth that if you go for counseling that obviously means you are inadequate, weak, or crazy!  We all develop unhealthy and destructive ways of coping. No one is immune from these experiences, and depending on a number of circumstances and resources available to you at the time, seeking assistance is just plain smart.

Sadly, many people who would benefit from receiving therapy do not get the help that they need in order to cope with the tragic events in their life.  Sometimes friends and family cannot offer the level of support that is needed for true emotional healing.  That is why I urge everyone to be open to the idea.  Whether you are a victim of a violent crime, experienced a loss, or may be feeling overwhelmed by life’s circumstances…therapy can be the lifeline that you’ve been looking for.  I would recommend finding a therapist who specializing in the area of grief and trauma that you may be experiencing.  For example, if you are a survivor of incest, find a therapist who specializes with this issue.  Having someone who understands and knows what you have experienced is a sure fire way to encourage the professional rapport necessary for your journey towards recovery!

WILL THE TRAGEDY IN FORT HOOD FINALLY SEND A S.O.S. (SAVE OUR SOLDIERS)?

By Michelle Simonsen, True Crime Writer and Victim's Rights Advocate

In the spirit of Veteran’s Day, and in the unfortunate tragedy of Fort Hood; I felt it necessary to address the obvious refusal of the military and the government to appropriately address the mounting numbers of Veterans living with untreated mental illnesses.

Fort Hood may have been dealt with a massive blow of tragedy last week, but just a year ago in Fort Hood, on September 8, 2008, an altercation between a soldier and his commanding officer ended in a murder suicide.

Do you remember hearing about that case? I don’t.

The next day on September 9, 2008, a VA report acknowledged that suicide rates for young male Iraq and Afghanistan veterans hit a record high in 2006. (Cite)

Marine suicides have doubled between 2006 and 2007, and Army suicides are at the highest level since records were first kept in 1980. Reported suicide attempts jumped 500% between 2002 and 2007. “The Defense Department says the numbers may be partly attributable to better compliance with reporting requirements.” (Cite)

Reporting requirements? Better compliance? Better than what? Has the military lacked its duty in the past? Has the government been feeding us with false information and statistics that aren’t even the tip of the real iceberg?

What am I getting at? What’s my point? The government has failed our Veterans in a big way.

On November 6, 2008, the National Survey on Drug Use and Health Report stated, “Recent research indicates that an estimated 25 to 30 percent of the Veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have reported symptoms of a mental disorder or cognitive condition. Untreated mental health problems can result in long-term negative consequences for the affected individuals, their families, their communities, and our Nation as a whole.”

Once a Soldier returns home, there is no “checks and balances list” on how to cope with regular civilian life. Specifically, no one checks or receives updates on a returning Soldier’s mental health status unless that Soldier specifically requests help. This is a huge barrier since the majority of returning Soldiers are men, and historically men avoid mental health care, therapy and medication.

Kyle Bahrs, a 29-year-old Midwest native was married to a two tour Army Sergeant who served in Iraq from 2005 to 2008. "Tim" currently suffers from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in addition to a traumatic brain disorder that left him 70% disabled.

Kyle knew "Tim" before he joined the Army and served in Iraq. “He was ‘normal’. Trivial things didn’t bother him, he was fun.” After returning "Tim" went from a fun loving guy to “a cruel, mean and abusive man.”

"Tim's" life became crippled by his untreated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and received no mental health care until Kyle insisted, threatening their marriage. Kyle stated “the health care system was completely overbooked, he was rushed, and there were never enough people working.” She continued, “It was completely bureaucratic. It took "Tim" at least two months just to get in to see someone. And when he did they acted like they didn’t give a shit. It was so disheartening because he put his life on the line and didn’t receive any gratitude and the most basic need once a solider returns. Psychological health care.”

While Kyle was married to "Tim", he started drinking excessively and was becoming violent. “He got real paranoid. He wouldn’t answer the door unless he had a gun in his hand.” Then there were the nightmares, “He would wake up screaming…he had dreams and visions of the faces of the people that he killed. I felt helpless. What do you say to that?”

According to the U.S. Army Center for Health Promotion and Preventative Medicine on Combat Stress there is a list of mental and physical symptoms before, during and after deployment. I showed Kyle this list and she said that "Tim" displayed practically every single symptom.

Common Stressors to the Deployment Cycle:

Pre-Deployment (from notification to departure)

• Anger and protest
• Emotional detachment
• Family stress
• Marital disagreements

Deployment (from departure to return)

• Emotional destabilization and disorganization
• Sadness, depression, disorientation, anxiety, loneliness
• Sleep disturbances
• Health complaints
• Financial problems
• Some find the midpoint of deployment as the time of greatest stress
• Fear for safety of deployed service member

Reunion

• Apprehension over redefined roles and power dynamics

Post Deployment

• Honeymoon period
• Resentment over loss of independence
• Insecurity about place in reconfigured system
• Service member may have difficulty disengaging from combat mission orientation.
• Domestic violence

Soldier Combat Stress Reaction

Physical

• Trouble falling asleep
• Oversleeping
• Waking up in the middle of the night
• Difficulty with sexual and non sexual intimacy
• Fatigue
• Feeling jumpy
• Being easily started

Emotional

• Feeling overwhelmed
• Depression
• Irritability
• Feeling numb
• Difficulty readjusting to family routines
• Difficulty reconnecting with family
• Discomfort being around other people or in crowds
• Frustration
• Guilt
• Crying

Cognitive

• Difficulty with memory
• Loss of interest/motivation
• Concentration problems
• Difficult talking about deployment experiences
• Loss of trust

(Source: U.S. Army Center for Health Promotion and Preventative Medicine on Combat Stress, Soldier Combat Stress Reaction Brochure)

Steffan, a 40-year old African American Gulf War Veteran, stated that there was no “mental health” process after he returned to the United States. He stated, “mental health wasn’t even an issue that people thought about.” He added that a lot of guys he knew who had problems started drinking to “dull it away”. If someone needed mental health services, they had to initiate it.

It’s easier to ignore a bad situation by depending on alcohol or drugs, especially when that person doesn’t have strong family support.

As a Country that boasts the best military in the world, we have a lot to learn about humans themselves. These issues need be taken seriously by the military, and our government needs to consciously implement statistic-changing policies before we start to see a change in this downward spiral of unnecessary human demise that affects us all.

Send your concerns to the following:

Department of Defense

http://www.defenselink.mil

Department of Defense Task Force on Mental Health

5205 Leesburg Pike

Falls Church, Virginia 22041-3258

Read their 2007 Annual Report:

http://www.health.mil/dhb/mhtf/MHTF-Report-Final.pdf

Michelle Simonsen is a victim's rights advocate, crime analyst and blogger for "Michelle Says So", founder of the grassroots consumer boycott, "Boycott Aruba--Justice for Natalee Holloway", an advisory board member of "Survivors in Action", and is a contributing writer for "Now Public", and "True Crime Talk".

How an Abuser Tricks You with Apologies

By Tanya Warrington

I used to assume that any apology from my first husband was a sign that he was willing to change his behavior. As the apologies stacked up, I thought he was trying but just wasn't having much success. Regardless of my conscious thoughts, my emotions took each apology to mean that from now on there was a fresh start, signifying a significant new shift in commitment and behavior.

It didn't matter how optimistic I was, however. Near the very end of our relationship, I knew he'd never change-- not unless he sought help and then fully engaged in the healing process. When I went to a domestic violence shelter and began an educational class on abuse dynamics, he began participating in an abuser support group. My battered hopes soared once again. Maybe, this last apology had been real, maybe now he'd change. It turned out that he spent his sessions lying, recoloring what had happened to make himself look like the concerned, overconscientious guy who was married to a paranoid, oversensitive gal. He was committed to damage control, not to repentance and growth.

Perhaps you've been on a similar roller coaster ride that involves apologies. How do abusive people trick normal intelligence people (and even above average intelligence people) into believing insincere apologies? I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or sociologist. I have no studies proving my ideas, but for what it's worth here are some things I've observed.

Abusive people regularly, even habitually, use our assumptions against us.

They know that we believe that we aren't "stupid enough" to be manipulated.

They know that we want to believe that our partner or parent is a good person.

They know that is the human tendency to assume that others are telling us the truth, especially if they are in our inner circle.

With these assumptions in place they have plenty of room to work on us. Following are some tricks of the trade.

1. They dangle a pretty lure:

• They make an apology a romantic production.They sweep us away with romance and chivalry. The beast is gone and the prince or princess of our dreams has arrived. Romantic words tickle our ears and romantic gestures abound. We are bedazzled and assured that the other one who hurt you isn't real, this kind person is his or her "true" self.
  
• They give great gifts. After "rough patches" or "tensions" have occurred, an amazing gift arrives. We feel touched. Who would spend such a lavish amount, if they didn't care?

2.They pull a bait and switch:

• They apologize for nothing in particular. In the same way that readers fill in a missing word when they are reading an article, we fill in the particulars for them.
• They apologize for the wrong thing. For example, if he bruised your arm he might say, "I'm so sorry that I was cranky earlier today."
• The apology includes the claim that he/she has been trying really hard to change.He or she looks at us with a very earnest face. We are wired to root for the hardworking underdog, so we react. Our actual experience is that nothing has changed, but he/she insists that he/she is doing much better really and why haven't you noticed. You haven't noticed because it isn't real. But you assume he/she would be telling the truth, so you beat yourself up for not noticing the improvement and being "so particular and hard-hearted."
• The apology is really about blaming someone else. We notice how quickly the apology turns to talking about work or other family, etc--but we discount it. We accept the half phrase of apology and try to catch up with the conversation. Or we object at the fast shift and he/she looks at us with shock and then hurt. How could we miss their sincere apologies? Don't we trust them and believe in them? The hook is set, we feel bad about doubting them or about not paying attention and we rush to reassure them.
  

3. They use a hook with a wicked barb:

• They apologize in a way that makes you feel bad. After you complain about verbal abuse, she might say, "I'm sorry. I know that you're really sensitive. I'm sorry I'm always making you mad by saying the wrong thing. I should know by now that I need to be extra careful about what I say around you." The barb is set, you forget about what she did and worry about what is wrong with you that she needs to be so careful.
• The apology is accompanied by emotional and/or physical withdrawal. The apology you are looking for after abuse is attached to the negative consequence of broken relationship for awhile. You feel an extra need for reassurance after the abuse, some sign that their is still love in this relationship and instead you get the opposite. It makes you wonder if hearing an apology for the abuse is worth it. You start wondering how you can make things better between you and them.
• The apology is full of sarcasm and accusation. But if you confront it, their face and tone instantly change. How could you think they were sarcastic? You have no idea how deeply sorrowful they are at the mere idea of hurting you. You wonder if you are going crazy.
• The apology is full of victim-ease. He just couldn't help himself. He is so damaged he just can't stand it. He is broken, so broken. He needs more of your love and help. He wants to do better, he really does. With your help maybe he can be a better man.

Any healthy person may be guilty of doing some of these things some of the time. But I believe that abusers turn these escapes from taking responsibility for themselves into an art form. Learning to observe your own reactions to apologies may be the fastest way to detect when the other party is up to something. Something that is not for your benefit. Consider trusting your gut more and implementing boundaries (such as "Let me think about this. Let's talk about it again tomorrow").