Men and Domestic Violence

By Heidi Hiatt

2010 has been the year of betrayals, breakups, and divorces. I continue to be shocked at the number of relationships falling down around me.

While there are two sides to every story, it seems to me that it is becoming increasingly common for one party in a relationship to carry the majority of the blame. It’s like the world is dividing into two camps in anticipation of some great shift, narcissists and those who try to follow the Golden Rule.

This week I had the opportunity to catch up with several longtime friends and discuss their situations. It hit me that in nearly every breakup I’ve seen this year, it is the stable, hard-working, faithful, committed partner that does not abuse drugs or alcohol getting dumped like garbage.

Every one of these people openly admits their quirks and the things they need to work on, but none of those issues are divorce-worthy. Many are normal human shortcomings and residual trauma that can be worked through. I see these people as attractive, intelligent, fun, and successful, but their partners have decided that the grass is greener with more risky people.

Risky is the correct word. I’ve witnessed children being put on back burners to accommodate their parent’s games and used as weapons. I’ve seen how one parent’s hatred of the other conditions the children to become abusive, hate-filled people themselves. It is heartbreaking to see children form bonds and then be forced to break bonds with the people who are cycled through their parents’ lives.

Unfaithful partners are using their unwitting faithful counterparts as child care and their families as a resource to facilitate their liaisons. In one case, a friend’s in-laws had actually been encouraging the other woman’s presence and involvement while their son was still married. Other people find themselves used financially, or being pushed away when things aren’t adding up.

It is not unusual for families to enable a relative’s pathology even when that risks hurting their children. Enabling an unhealthy or dishonest relationship is sanctioning poor parental choices and setting the kids up for their own lifetime of instability. Children are often the last people who matter in the midst of these games.

One person told me how painful it is to watch another woman—the “friend” who decided to “help” her husband and kids at a critical time—end up with her house, her former vehicle, and many of her belongings. Another told me how their spouse demanded the divorce, but tries to control who they see and to keep them on hold in case they want them back in the future. It seems that a significant number of people are practicing this “Plan B” narcissism—if their affairs don’t work out, they want the option of going back.

The lengths that people go to in an effort to legitimize these unhealthy new relationships seem to be part of some sick rush they get by having affairs. One of the most common tactics seems to be blame-shifting, an attempt to make everything that’s wrong look like it’s caused by the faithful partner. Another is flat-out character assassination, slandering or falsely accusing that partner to relieve themselves of taking responsibility for their actions.

Yet a third is embarking on a public relations mission to build their new partner up at the expense of the old. If a person has to consciously try to win support for what they’re doing at the expense of another, there’s a good reason to question what they’re doing. When I see this happening, it reminds me of playground bullies that only feel good about themselves by putting someone else down.

The mental shift that unfaithful people undergo is frightening. They seem to have no genuine concern for any aspect of their partner’s well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. They recklessly put their partners’ health at risk and play head games with them either to avoid getting caught or punish them for not letting them have their cake and eat it too.

This has me wondering if deceptive, dangerous, or dysfunctional is the new “sexy”. Pop culture certainly seems to glamorize those “d” words—collectively, a darkness that destroys committed relationships. I understand the attraction that bad boys can have for women and bad girls can have to men. In those conditions we are able to indulge our own unresolved character issues and desire to rescue others.

But you can have a healthy kind of crazy, “bad”, or adventurous within a committed relationship too. To me, developing that sounds way more fun than risking my partner and family’s well-being to break a vow or a covenant. I would much rather spend time working on the tough issues in a committed relationship, reaping hard-earned rewards, than flitting around in dishonest, secretive hookups that won’t last.

This may seem like a long lead-in to the subject of men and domestic violence, but the point of mentioning all of these behaviors is that they go both ways. Women are abused, especially physically, more than men, but after hearing friends talk about female-on-male physical violence, control issues, stalking, and cheating, it’s clear that domestic violence is not a gender issue. Abuse is equally wrong whether a man or woman is committing it.

Statistics about domestic violence against men are probably skewed since it is very likely to be underreported. Not only is it awkward and embarrassing for men to publicly admit that they have been hurt by a woman, but many authorities won’t take them seriously or file reports when they do. The “you’re a man, deal with it” attitude, and many stereotypes about domestic violence, run rampant in this country. Men may think that reporting abuse or seeking help for it is a sign of weakness.

Reality is that men can be victims of psychological battering, physical violence, stalking (in growing numbers), manipulation, financial control, sexual abuse, and everything that a woman can. Somehow our society doesn’t want to believe these crimes and behaviors are as serious if they happen to a man.

Our culture has normalized aberrant behaviors in women, such as striking a man in the face, putting them down publicly, controlling them through sex, and allowing certain entitlement mentalities (seehttp://wildninja.wordpress.com/2010/04/21/sitcom-wives/). Much of this may be seen as valid payback for thousands of years of mistreatment of women, but it is still WRONG.

Man or woman, being attacked by someone else on any level damages your health and your self-worth. It can forever alter your existence and the way you look at life. The denial men engage in to cope with or rationalize woman-perpetrated abuse can lead to entrapment in unhealthy relationships. Men may endure many cycles, even years and decades, of abuse because they don’t want to be abandoned, see winning the abuser back as proof of their manhood, or mistakenly believe that they can love a pathological woman into healthiness.

The most common type of abuse I see when a woman abuses a man is not physical abuse. Most of the material you will find about female-on-male domestic violence is about that. But it is psychological abuse that seems to be the most prevalent form of abuse utilized by women. This may be because psychological abuse is the more subtle form of beating someone into submission. You also can’t get arrested for it unless you threaten their life.

In the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got To Do With It, moviegoers saw Ike Turner viciously beat and belittle his partner, then turn around and buy her expensive gifts to “make up for it.” A male friend of mine pointed out that women rarely do that; instead, they rip into men’s psyches and then use sex and seduction as the “make up gifts” to worm their way back into their lives.

That is an extremely abusive cycle because a man endures great personal harm, then is lulled back into a false sense of stability for awhile until it happens again. Over and over some men are verbally abused, taken advantage of, subjected to psychological terrorism, and cheated on, then reeled back in by the “gifts” of what is essentially sexual abuse. These cycles are all about power and control, not love. I call it “Reverse Ike Turner Syndrome” (with apologies to a man who hopefully got his rage under control).

Because of the lack of resources and shelters out there for male victims of domestic violence, a man’s best defense may be to educate himself on the subject. Both sexes need to know how to attract and retain healthy people with the ability to grow in mutually beneficial relationships. Instead, we often enter adult life without a proper sense of boundaries, tend to be attracted to the same type of controlling or abusive person that our opposite sex parent was, and can’t accurately define domestic violence.

Everyone needs to be educated about pathological behaviors, psychopathy, and other selfish, evil states of being that can damage us. Because men are expected to be the tough ones who take care of themselves, they may not recognize or acknowledge such issues when they encounter them. It is important to know what you might be dealing with to save your children, your current partner, and yourself from harm. My advice: read, read, read, get into counseling, and find Bible-based support through church.

One issue that continues to jump out at me when I research domestic violence is how personality disorders may dictate a person’s conduct in a relationship. Think of a personality disorder as a way of thinking that inaccurately colors the way a person looks at life. Of all the personality disorders that seem to affect women’s treatment of men, it is borderline personality disorder that seems to lead the pack. One of the first books written on this subject was called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.

Movies like Fatal Attraction and Single White Female are the Hollywood versions of this disorder. From my own experiences, I don’t think Single White Female was too far off. I’ve ended friendships and had other unsettling experiences because of that type of behavior. It wasn’t behavior I could “learn to deal with”; it’s unpredictable, backstabbing, and like being in a constant competition for a Miss Popularity award that I have no interest in vying for.

Some of these women will do anything to “prove” they’re the most “desirable” or to “win”, even if it means seducing or stealing someone else’s man. They get a thrill out of disrupting or slaughtering other people’s committed relationships, much the same as the rush some serial killers get when they take a life.

Alcoholism and substance abuse is common among borderlines, and in their private lives, many are emotionally immature, never progressing beyond a junior high emotional intelligence level.

These women have an empty spot inside of them that is never filled, and their behavior may become more dangerous and erratic with time. It may also become less obvious with time because they’re well-practiced.

If you try to leave them, though, you may soon find yourself looking down the barrel of the “if I can’t have you, no one can” mindset. They’re also the ones who will leave you of their own accord, but come back as soon as they see you having a serious relationship with someone else.

Some of these women might be fine with an open marriage or open relationship concept in which you are the emotional support, the “rock”, or even a sort of parent that they always come back to. But they want the freedom of seeing other people as well, whether they do that behind your back or coerce you into it.

Women like this will use anyone and anything to keep their targets at their beck and call regardless of the cost to others. Some borderline behavior overlaps with sociopathic behavior to the extent that experts have coined a new term for such people, borderpaths. Life is all about them, and they want men who will kowtow to that. They often purposefully latch onto nice and generous men believing that they will be easy to manipulate. That’s not love, that’s slavery. That’s sick.

If any of this sounds familiar, the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, and more information, is athttp://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm. I’d also recommend the book Sometimes I Act Crazy, below. While I do not advocate breaking up a marriage just because someone has mental issues (don’t we all), men need to be able to draw the line when they and their family’s safety is at risk. Unrepentant, chronic abuse and adultery can be valid grounds for divorce, sad as divorce is.

Men, although you may think that you have to tolerate certain behaviors because of your sex, please remember that abuse is not biblical. It’s not God’s way. This is not what He wants for you. You were created to, as I said in another post, live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before you or after you can.

Abuse molds you into who someone else wants you to be, not who God wants you to be. It robs you of your strength and dignity, and it prevents your family from experiencing your authentic self. Your children especially need a consistent, healthy role model that will set the standard for their relationships.

Children are little sponges who thirstily absorb your example, and the legacy you create for them is important. It’s been said that children are messages you send to a time you will not see. Your current circumstances may be setting the stage for your great-great-grandchildren’s lives.

That’s a sobering thought. But a quick look at our own family’s histories might show that to be true already. We are the people who have to stop the dysfunction with this generation and raise the bar.

In a world of James 1:8s—double-minded people who are unstable in all of their ways—kids really need their parents to model loving, committed behavior if they are to have a chance at true love without violence.

This means that both men and women need to know their enemy—domestic violence– and get whatever help they need to deal with it. That may mean severing relationships, because you can’t solve someone else’s pathology for them, no matter how traumatic the pathology’s origins.

Lastly, I know that there are those that downplay domestic violence towards men believing that it detracts from domestic violence against women. Some experts don’t like to discuss male abuse because fewer men experience it than women, and even fewer men report it.

No one has to convince me how serious of a problem this is for women—I have been through several deceptive, damaging relationships and have experienced persistent sexism in the workplace. You’re preaching to the choir.

Here’s the bottom line, and I’m turning on the caps lock to shout it out on behalf of the men who have been hurt by it:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A GENDER NEUTRAL ISSUE. NO VICTIM DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR EXPERIENCES DOWNPLAYED BECAUSE OF THEIR SEX. WHETHER A MAN OR WOMAN COMMITS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, IT IS WRONG, AND IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH.

Videos

When Women Abuse Men, ABC News
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hn-wL6hPq8

Men Suffer Domestic Violence Too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGDTDawB4wE&feature=related

Male domestic violence victim speaks out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPTOXG6Ha48&feature=related

Websites

The “Duluth Model” Power and Control Wheel, a version for female perpetrators
http://www.dvservices.org/id41.html

A Men’s Guide to the Signs of a Bad Dating Choice
http://www.datebetterwomennow.com/docsfordating/TheSignsofaBadDatingChoiceInWomenE-book.pdf

Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/malevictims.shtml

Male Abuse
http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm

Stalking & Domestic Violence Statistics
http://new.abanet.org/domesticviolence/Pages/Statistics.aspx

Books

How to Avoid Dating Damaged & Destructive Women (E-Book), Sandra L. Brown
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/how-to-avoid-dating-damaged-destructive-women

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder, Jerold Kreisman and Hal Strauss
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0471792144/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0380713055&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1AM6MSQR08YS2266KGKB

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, Philip Cook
http://www.amazon.com/Abused-Men-Hidden-Domestic-Violence/dp/0275958620/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283035856&sr=1-1

Women Who Love Psychopaths, 2nd Edition, Sandra L. Brown
I recommend this book for men? Yes. Men can absolutely be victims of female psychopaths. The material presented in this book can go either way despite the title.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-2nd/dp/0984172807/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282971995&sr=1-1

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036191&sr=1-1

Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes, Duke Robinson
http://www.amazon.com/Too-Nice-Your-Good-Self-Sabotaging/dp/0446673862/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036300&sr=1-1

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, Wayne Levine
(NUTs = Non-Negotiable Unalterable Terms)
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036347&sr=1-1#_

Boundaries: When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036547&sr=1-4

The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972138&sr=1-6

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_39?s=STORE&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972238&sr=1-39

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, George K. Simon
http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972328&sr=1-1

Venus: The Dark Side, Roy Sheppard and Mary T. Cleary (I have not read this, but it sounds like someone has finally come out with a book about female sociopaths. Hopefully it’s respectful.)
http://www.amazon.com/Venus-Dark-Side-Roy-Sheppard/dp/190153412X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972488&sr=1-1

Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Tough-James-Dobson/dp/0849913411

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence, Gavin de Becker
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440508835/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0440226198&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1J6A0DZRFVEW6MFE5KKP

Please note that most of these books are secular, but I include them because I have yet to find equivalents in the faith-based realm. Obviously if any content runs counter to your Christian beliefs, disregard it, and keep only what’s worth keeping.

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Whatever I do for my spouse, I do it to Christ as well. –Emerson Eggerichs

Looking for Inspiration in the Most Obscure Places

By Jillian Maas Backman

The world is running on an inspirational empty tank of fuel right now. An unknown source is depleting our natural energy resource of hope and desire for better days ahead. The good news is that inspiration is an abundant organic supply and available to anyone willing to take the initiative to re-fuel.

Stop, Look and Listen to those around you.

We all have friends or family that sense the negative in every situation. This can be more oppressive to your own energy source than imagined. It is like being slimed with “spiritual grey gunk.” It coats every emotion, thought and action with a tainted view of reality. If you live long enough in this state of slime it will separate you from all internal soul’s hopes and inspirations. In exaggerated cases, it can appear as if someone is walking around dead to the outside world. Recipients of this kind of constant aggressive harassment are also affected by second-hand negativity. You may take on their spiritual grey gunk and distract your intentions to live an inspirational path.

Know when to step away from the toxic energetic relationships.

We have become a society of relationship junkies. Always planning to be somewhere with someone, doing some kind of activity to occupy our minds, bodies and spirits. We stay in these unhealthy pairings out of obligation. Even when it means spending time with others who are inspiration and hope stealers. It never ends unless you make a decision to change.

Alone time is special time

We have adopted an all-or-nothing mentality to our personal relationships. Either we throw ourselves emotionally, mentally and spiritual all in OR we totally retreat with the same conviction. You do not have to make this abrupt turn-about and leave the relationship entirely, unless of course, physical harm is involved.

Instead, opt to minimize your time spent together. Know your energetic limitations. Set boundaries of how much time you spend in direct contact. I reference back to the last July post and the energy sphere diagrams. As demonstrated, close contact with this kind of energy will eventually suck your spiritual light right out of you. Not leaving an ounce of personal inspiration left and you will be the one searching aimlessly for hope. When this happens, text instead.

Host an Inspirational Intervention:

It is sad to be a witness to this kind of detached hopelessness. You end up giving in on everything that brings one happiness. Intimate connections of all kinds, career dreams and above all, the promise of a peaceful soul. When one reaches this point of emotional devastation, it is an uphill battle to conquer alone.

Of course, we all want to reach out and give them a healthy dose of hope and inspiration medicine, but know that is unrealistic. We can, however, bring a source of inspiration directly onto their path.

Intervention reality television is a favorite of many who watch shows regularly. You know the scenario. A professional, along with family and friends, stage a pretend outing with the potential “lost soul.” Upon arrival to the event enlist them into a pre-assigned program of wellness. This kind of intervention works for many who are dealing with their own inner demons of choice, drugs, alcohol and any other sad addictions.

Plan the same kind of intervention for those who have lost their inner connection to happiness. This kind of interventions should incorporate activities that encourage and stimulate both hope and inspiration. Think about your significant person. What makes them feel energetically alive? What kind of outing would bring your friend or family member peace again? Be creative with your ideas. Look for obscure and unique ways of triggering that hope button again for someone. Tap into your own inspirational pool of thought and share it with the world.

Positive People Unite

Those of us who have our inspirational energy fuel tanks full need to reach out and help those in inspirational need. We need a positive electric jolt to energize our communities. All human beings have an incredible ability to change the polarity of energy from negative to positive in an instance. For example, holding the hand of another human being while in prayer or singing circles can pass the energy from one person to another. A perfect example of how to light up a friend who is going through hard times. Share the energy, do not hold on to it. One human body can only handle so much before it start leaking out the sides.

I know when my energy needs an inspirational fill- up from a friend. If you need help to get motivated again ask those in your inner circle who are happy to share. The universe is ready to give at a moment’s notice to anyone who asks for this blessing. Search for a group that is willing to bring you into their clasped hands and make room for one more pair in their closed circle.

Healing circles of all kinds have been associated with cultures throughout the centuries. Walking intricate labyrinths in England, medicine wheels from ancient times and ceremonies of all spiritual backgrounds incorporate the sounds of music. They can mend emotional hearts and sooth a crying soul. I have included one of my favorites from the past few days. ………

 

Listen as many times as you can throughout your day and feel the goose bumps of hope and inspiration return.

“Music is a historical muse for many an inspirational healing. Unpredictable tones inner- woven by musician and melodic instruments, sending out sound waves that inspire the coldest of souls to peace. “

Living with inspired grace,

Jillian Maas Backman,

Author, Beyond The Pews, Breaking with Tradition and Letting Go of Religious Lockdown.

Music track provided by Michael Suess, Fire Circle Drum and Crafts, Drum Across America Movie, www.drummingforpeace.com

I Will Never Do That Again, Part Two

By Jillian Maas Backman

This blog post is part two of a series I began last month entitled: I will never do that again! It is never easy to let go of significant relationships of any kind. It becomes even more intense if it is embroiled in abusive behavior. There are layers of complexity that come along when severing this tortured existence. The good news is can be done and should be done right away!

I am always on the lookout for things that spur my inspirational internal muse for writing. Even though this subject matter is very heavy, I found a key when watching a random reality-based cooking competition on television. The culinary chefs were instructed to de-construct familiar conventional recipes and transform these classics into a rejuvenated contemporary counterpart. I am going to “borrow” this cooking term and apply it to this discussion on relationships.

RELATIONSHIP DE-CONSTRUCTION

You must break down people pairings into the most intimate details in order to re-construct a mutually exclusive loving energy exchange.

To accomplish this goal I deliberately started this series with the sole focus on relationships first before addressing the individual. Conventional wisdom would tell you otherwise. Learn to love yourself first before venturing out to love others. When you are analyzing relationships from an energetic perspective I have found people have an easier time “sensing” others energy before their own. The first diagram represents a healthy energetic relationship we all secretly desire for ourselves.

More often than not, however, the majority of people end up a relationship closer to this unhealthy and unbalanced configuration.

The first diagram represents a healthy energetic relationship we all secretly desire for ourselves.
 

More often than not, however, the majority of people end up a relationship closer to this unhealthy and unbalanced configuration.

 
They become consumed in finding the holy grail of relationships. They eat, sleep, and dream of falling in love with one special person forever. Ultimately, spending more time chasing the quest of falling in love with another instead of spending this valuable time falling in love with themselves. Somehow, vicariously assuming if they center their love intentions on someone else, by default, will also fall energetically love within. In the end, settling for less than what they deserve out of love.

The Chemistry of Love

What is the initial statement most people report when they are falling in love with someone else? “I feel different when I am with them. We have good chemistry together, like we have known each other forever!” They have falling into “kinetic touch” with other’s energy before knowing their own sensations of love.

How many of us can turn that same statement around and apply that love chemistry to ourselves. “I feel differently when I am with myself, like I have known myself forever!” Can you identify or feel your own kinetic energy within?

In part one of this series I requested you to spend the last thirty days observing the energetic relationships you have in your life right now. This is a crucial starting point if you are willing to heal your own energy field and stop the vicious cycle of repeating negative relationships. You need to know what you are energetically putting out there and what others perceive on your behalf.

Close your eyes and feel your own energy around you. For many of you this will be your first time ever, so cut yourself a break. Take mental notes of any sensations coming to the forefront of your mind. Please do not worry if you do not feel anything at first. The energy force in the body runs vertical, up and down. Unhealthy relationships are usually stuck in a temporary condition I label “Energetic flat-lining.” This occurs when someone gives so much energy away to others their energy begins to run horizontally rather than the normal vertical flow through the body. Their energy is a jumbled- up mess with other sick and unhealthy people. You cannot sense or feel where your energy begins and ends with anyone around you. Creating a complete dis-connect to individual vertical energy. The more you live in the state the more energy pieces are given away and result in unhealthy, unbalanced energy circles.

Notice the energetic gaps and chunks missing out of the enclosed circle. If you relate to this picture, your first order of business is to STOP what you are doing and take a self-imposed time- out for yourself to heal before jumping back into another serious relationship. If you continue to operate with this kind of broken energetic pattern in place you will surely open yourself wide open to repeat your past regrets. As demonstrated in this diagram every lingering piece of unhealthy exchanges nibbles away at the invisible shield around all of us. Over time it will function in the world at half-life status. Meaning, this incomplete energy structure will begin to “feel” normal to you and everyone else. Other incomplete and unbalanced energetic people will seek you out like a moth to a flame. You are sending out energetic red flares to the world to come find you. Rest assured, they will!

It is not fair that we feel obligated to give energetic pieces of ourselves away so others can feel complete in their inner circle. If one continues this sad pattern for too long energetic fatigue will eventually set in. Like a boat with thousands of wormholes in the hull, only a matter of time before it sinks with exhaustion.


Relationship Re-Construction

Decide to change your configuration with exaggerated intention. I am mad as hell and not going to take this kind of stuff from anyone anymore!

Step One: STOP the energetic depletion.

You cannot control the obsession from others to tap in and drain your energy, but you can control how much you let someone take from you.

Healthy relationships never drain energy from each other; they bestow energy upon each other.


Step Two: Retrieve your pieces back from the ones that stole them!

I understand this is a harsh statement coming from me. My words are usually encased with calm quiet underlying recommendations. In this case, however, strong statements are needed to convey the severity of this kind of dangerous energetic existence. If you live your life with an open sick shell in this world you will get hurt again.

In theory no one can really steal your energy pieces from you without your permission. The problem is most people are unaware this is happening. Forgive yourself and complete this exercise instead of dwelling on the pre-existing open energetic wounds.

Find a quiet spot where you can be alone for a while. Sit or lie and get into a meditative state of a calm mind, body and soul. Once you reached your energy equilibrium, it is time to go to work. You are going to relinquish as much anger, resentment, pain and sorrow as you can muster up into the atmosphere. These are the wormholes in the bottom of your etheric boat. Scream it out if you have to. Pound on the floor with your closed fists as many times as it takes. Wiggle your body if that helps release the pinned up emotional energy. Do whatever it takes to let go of this destructive energy. Note: please refrain from hurting yourself physically during this exercise. Always pick an environment you know you are emotionally and physically safe to do so. Repeat as often as you need until you feel completely empty.

Next, visualize your energy circle as completely enclosed without any gaps or energy chunks missing from the structure. Pick a color if that helps with the process. Like a well-designed personal energy coat-of-arms, impenetrable by one no ever again without your consent.

There may be a sense of loss after you complete this exercise. In reality, to some extent it does echo the same feelings one can have after a loss of a loved one. It is always hard to let go of someone out of your life. When you let go of the energetic pieces you shared together in the past it will feel uncomfortable for a while. Their energy will no longer be in your energetic circle, but the memories will remain. Just because the dysfunctional remnants have been cleared away does not de-value the good times from the past. Remember, the original goal of this exercise was to replace all the missing energy pieces and become energetically whole once again.

Break the Cycle and ask the Universe for Help

As you grow in the complete circle, you will become very comfortable with your own essence of energy. In fact, you will become quite attached to the feelings of being in the center of your love attention and enjoy your own respective place. Be very selective going forward with your exchange of energy. Understand each relationship should support a healthy and balanced energy exchange. Each sphere holds the energy of only one human being at a time, and that should always be YOU!

Relationships will come and go, but your Soul will always remain the same.

In love and respect, Jillian Maas Backman

Author, Beyond the Pews: Breaking With Tradition and Letting Go of Religious Lockdown (August, 2011)  www.jillianmaasbackman.com

In the Course of Human Events

By Charles Moncrief

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people. . .”

“And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.”
Declaration of Independence

I’m satisfied with the base claims of date (July 4, 1776), authorship (Thomas Jefferson), and impact (motivating the colonists to move forward in the quest for independence).

I’m also satisfied that other authors and commentators have thoroughly treated the subject of the signers’ sacrifices with simulated 1796 “Where are they now?” treatises.

What I’d like to do is ask an actual 2011 question: “Where are WE now?” Consider the words “with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other” in light of the following:

“When I’ve had enough to eat and drink, everyone in the house ought to be satisfied.”
- (Sganarelle, a character in a comedy by Molière)

“Because you’re worth it.”
- (a French cosmetics company)

“No headache is severe unless it’s yours.”
- (a pain-killer company)

“You deserve a break today.”
- (a fast-food company)

“I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU.”
- (a punchline to a joke about hunters)

“It could have been worse; it could have happened to ME.”
- (Yogi Bear, paraphrase, following Ranger Smith’s bad luck)

During the 2010 NFL season, a wireless phone service provider ran a successful ad featuring a doctor showing off his new phone to an injured player on the examining table. The player asks “What about my injury?” The doctor pushes a couple of buttons on his phone and shows the downloaded X-ray to the player, and glibly tells him the injury is career-ending. The player gets upset, and the doctor tells him not to worry because it didn’t cost anything to download the picture. This is a variation of the good-news, bad-news joke, in which the bad news is the patient’s diagnosis and the good news is the doctor’s luck.

The most successful way for cities to cram new stadiums and sports arenas down the people’s throats is to present a variation of the blatant lie, “You won’t have to pay anything; tourists will pay increased taxes on lodging and car rentals.” (Does this say more about the politicians, or about the people who buy into their hoax?)

Now I’d ask you to consider this statement:
“There but for the grace of God go I.”

Many sincere people of faith don’t realize what they’re saying when this is their response to another person’s adversity. In effect, it’s to say “God is merciful because He let this calamity happen to someone else and not to me.” The flip side is to say “Why did God let this happen to me?”

The late Charles Price, a highly respected Christian theologian, was a friend and a counselor, as well as my systematic theology professor. One morning I saw an opportunity to pull his chain. I told him that with all the news I’m hearing about tragedy and human suffering, I now have positive proof that God is good and merciful. But Charlie had my number; he laughed and said “Because He allows all that to happen to other people, right?”

This same mentality drives some to fill their basements with food, water, and ammunition to survive in the event of a national meltdown. Or to believe there’s no gasoline shortage as long as they are able to fill their cars.

All of these attitudes are relatively harmless. They may be a little disgusting, but essentially they can be dealt with by a mere rolling of the eyes and moving on.

The problem is when these attitudes become obsessive. A husband’s attitude of entitlement leads to an unfulfilling sex life in the home. Ramping this entitlement attitude up to the level of obsession leads to bruises on the bodies of wives and children. In the same way a wife’s attitude of entitlement in the face of a husband’s underperformance can lead to wounding sarcasm (verbal “tearing of flesh”) to denigrate him, and it can start the quest toward sexual or emotional fulfillment with another man. Do we see modern movies and television series not just reflecting these trends, but actually promotingpromoting them? (I didn’t make a lot of points with friends when I referred to “The Bridges of Madison County” as “that movie that celebrates adultery.” But YES! that is all I got out of the movie, and I didn’t even go to see it.)

Keeping promises in a relationship with a significant other -- a spouse or live-in lover -- (mutually pledging to each other) is a principle that flies in the face of domestic abuse and violence. The relationship started in most cases because each wanted to reach out and meet the needs of the other, to put self-interest on the back burner. But what happened, to make one or the other turn into a Sganarelle, or an Archie Bunker? Was it the pressure of living life in the twenty-first century? Was it the entertainment industry and advertising media’s appeal to self-gratification as a thing to be desired and pursued, at others’ expense? Was it the realization that “For better for worse” was unfair because nobody told them how bad “worse” can get? Or that “better” is in the greener grass on the other side of the fence?

To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t know. I can only draw on observation and see the results in injured bodies and hearts. And I’m pitifully unable to come up with a solution.

If I were preaching a sermon on the topic, or doing Christian premarital counseling, I’d refer to the text of Philippians 2:5-11. It refers to an ancient hymn dedicated to the self-sacrificing of God the Son, humbling himself as a human being. But I’ll leave it there with a simple invitation to read (or re-read) the passage for yourself.

I’d also like to close by referring back to the Declaration of Independence. Not only did the signers mutually pledge some pretty high-value items to each other, but they went forward “a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence” to make good on their pledges. While it seems contradictory to declare independence, while claiming a dependence on a higher power, it actually makes a firm statement that the Declaration Independence is actually an acknowledgement that humans need to make a trade: from dependence on some corrupt government to dependence on the One who provides the sure foundation. This is the only way any relationship can work.

Grace and Peace,
Charles+

Disposable People

By Heidi Hiatt

Whhzzzzzzzt.

Rip.

Crumple crumple crumple.

Thunk.

Swush.

Thud.

For those who think this series of sound effects describes the use of a paper towel, you’re right. But these sound effects can also be used to illustrate the use of people.

People, women especially, seem to have become commodities in the realm of modern relationships. They are used, abused, and thrown aside like trash when the consumer becomes disenchanted with their latest acquisition.

Treating other human beings like garbage seems to have become the norm in our society. Modern dating involves test driving any number of different models for however long they are useful. Modern marriages are frequently terminated when selfishness outweighs togetherness. We live in an age of throwaway humanity.

Being treated as disposable is the only way of life some people have ever known. No matter how much of themselves they pour into a relationship, or how hard they try, it’s never enough. No amount of love, goodness, hard work, ethics, or sacrifice will satisfy some empty, endlessly ravenous people.

When a relationship requires actual commitment, effort, or consideration of the other above self, many people simply throw in the towel and move on. Standing up for their partner, or making them number one in their life, is more of a price than they are willing to pay. Especially if it means standing up to critical or controlling forces in their life.

This also happens when people stand up for themselves against abuse and mistreatment. Instead of getting help or going to therapy, many people would rather abandon their partner than face their personal demons. They often blame their partner for their own issues and angrily move on to their next train wreck.

When did it become okay to treat other human beings so casually, especially when you’ve pledged a commitment to them? Turn on nearly any television station, and you’ll see this behavior portrayed as normal. Often people on TV become intimately involved, break up, rinse, repeat, and rinse, and repeat. The cycle plays out over and over as if no one ever gets hurt and everyone’s just fine with being a temporary thrill.

Where’s the respect in that—for the other party and for oneself? In reality, this cycle can be very damaging to its participants. Besides the normal risks of pregnancy and disease, there is a psychological cost to the ongoing attachment and detachment of oneself with others.

Every time we give ourselves to another person, we seem to leave a piece of ourselves behind. We’ve given them things we can never get back. When we’re dumped for the latest shiny new toy, the grief can be devastating. We may blame ourselves even though we aren’t the guilty party.

Millions of people seem perfectly okay with mutual, continual pairing for convenience and pleasure. But then they wonder why their committed relationships and marriages don’t work out. If they’ve lived as if their partners exist for their enjoyment and gratification before commitment, do they have a fighting chance at happily ever after when they settle down?

Most people can’t change from self-centered to self-sacrificing overnight. It takes practice. Many are unwilling to even try. When the going gets rough, they just get going. On to the next one. And the next one. As if fostering an addiction, they are constantly searching for the partner who will be okay with them putting themselves first.

Ask a coworker. A relative. A friend. You will quickly find someone who has suffered the pain of being treated like a throwaway person. It’s frightening how many people can relate to this. It’s even more frightening how many of those tossed aside were conned into that initial relationship by someone claiming to want long-term commitment.

There are predators out there, people who claim to want the same things out of life that you do. But you don’t find out until much later that they aren’t serious about those things. They just said what they had to say to get what they wanted. As you got to know them, they were listening to what’s important to you, and then pretended to have the same values, or care about similar subjects.

They may stay with you for months, or even years. But in time you find that you’ve been one of several simultaneous relationships, or that they have other interests they wish to pursue. Astoundingly, sometimes these same adventure seekers want to remain “friends”, meaning they want to see other people and keep their options open with you. Or they want your emotional support and approval while they physically bond elsewhere, as if you have become their parent.

This behavior is epidemic. It is so common in our society that it seems few people are shocked by this behavior, and some even expect it. Condemning it may be considered archaic. However, this self-centered, nomadic relationship philosophy hurts a lot of good people. It destroys lives.

The victims of serial couplers are often left in a state of self-doubting shock, struggling with horrifically strong feelings of unworthiness. But they may also become desensitized to being used as an object or a means to an end. They become numb to the life-altering consequences of participating in the same narcissistic behavior. In this way the number of people engaging in shallow, egocentric liaisons multiplies like a plague.

We were never intended to be living Happy Meals, enjoyed for a limited duration and then chucked into the nearest trash can. We are meant to be in loving, lasting relationships in which we grow and learn with a devoted partner. We are supposed to be building our lives together with like-minded people, not bolstering our egos or accumulating conquests through devouring others.

Call it old-fashioned, but it is our current culture of disposable people that is largely responsible for the breakdown of the institutions of marriage and family. If we want to give our children a realistic chance at true love, stability, and a society without domestic violence, we need to stop our vampire-like coupling rituals and start setting an unselfish example. We need to be the role models our kids need.

Unless we learn from our mistakes and make a concerted effort to treat other people the way we want to be treated, this downward spiral will continue to suck in victims. It will chew them up and spit them out, bleeding and traumatized.

For those of us who believe that someday we’ll have to give an account of ourselves, how will we justify the repeated consumption of other human beings to our Creator? Can we possibly excuse this use of other people as being necessary to our own well-being? Why do we expect other human beings to fill a God-shaped hole in our hearts?

Millions of people have been the paper towel. Or the Styrofoam cup. Or the aluminum can. They know how it feels to be tossed from a moving car, roll into a ditch, and sit there on the side of the road festering under a hot sun. It’s lonely. It’s miserable. They may never be able to get back out of the ditch.

Their partners drive on, too focused on their next cold drink or snack to show any real remorse for treating another person so callously. Because in their world, it’s all about them, and what gives them maximum gratification on demand.

Let’s hope they wake up to their self-absorption before they drive off a cliff. They’ve left a wide swath of destruction in their wake and will destroy themselves as well if they keep treating precious individuals as expendable commodities.

We are all worth so much more than this.

The natural life in each of us is something self-centered, something that wants to be petted and admired, to take advantage of other lives, to exploit the whole universe. –C.S. Lewis

Re-Setting the Energy of Anger

By Jillian Maas Backman


As I sat and pondered my topic of discussion for this blog entry, I kept coming back to the idea of “energy of anger” and its advanced stage, the “energy of rage.”


How many of you hold onto the energy of anger, mindlessly exploiting this erratic behavior as a catalyst for getting ahead on your path to success? How many of you are in an ANGER RUT?—unwilling to consider the thought of relinquishing this detrimental pattern while fearing you will stagnate in your own inadequate resentments.


The energy of anger often masks itself behind other emotions and obscures our vision of the world around us.  Dominating and relentless, it will ultimately suffocate all other emotional energies.  It will subject you to a life of surface dwelling—an inability to commit to intimate connections with those around you.  Instead, you shuffle though relationships like an old set of “hand-me-down playing cards” for the sole purpose of avoiding the possibility of feeling vulnerable. At some level, we all can relate to that. Living in a state of vulnerability is very risky business. You must open your heart and your soul to all sorts of subjective, painful passages.  In a suspended state of anger, you may be able to avoid the human fall-out of uncontrollable experiences.  But ask yourself this question; what blessed events are you missing because your veil of anger is holding you back?


I want to share a few thoughts on how you have the opportunity to shift that anger into a moldable paradigm of reality.  From childhood on, we are taught to use this statement when we are unhappy with others:  “I am angry with you.”  If you remove two simple words from the statement, you’re essentially left with “I am Anger.”  After years and years of repetition, one begins to accept the possibility that this is true.   You are anger, and anger is you.  You become one with the anger. In the old paradigm, human emotions such as anger, are characterized as personality traits.  Unfortunately, the chances of reversing a characteristic trait are very rare.  It takes years and years of commitment and accountability. 


Moving into adulthood, I began to perceive human emotions as human conditions, which are curable.  When you start accepting this truth, wonderful events will begin to occur.  One can experience human emotions without being overtaken by them.    This can be accomplished by “re-setting your emotional paradigm”.

Many teachers, including myself, encourage others to make decisions from a place of love, not fear, human- based emotion.  It helps to give yourself permission to detach from the emotional components of your personality.  Think of the process of detachment in terms of an archery target.  The target is composed of concentric circles of different colors, rings inside of rings, all encircling the core center, which is always pictured in red.  The red represents your soul center.  This center is steadfast and grounded in the pure essence of love, peace, calm and balance, and most importantly, isolated from outside forces.


The outer rings represent human emotional conditions, accumulated over time as protective mechanism.  These accumulated emotions can be either positive or negative.  As a functional person, you have complete control over human conditional emotions.   Are the emotional rings of your target negative, positive, or perhaps a mix of both?    


It's all right to experience both positive and negative emotions.  What is important is to remember that the soul, the center of the target, never wavers.  It is the essence of who we are, even when we feeling a myriad of human emotions.  By becoming aware of the separation of the “rings” we can develop more conscious control over our emotions.


In loving gratitude, Jillian.


Jillianmaasbackman.com


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