Disposable People

By Heidi Hiatt

Whhzzzzzzzt.

Rip.

Crumple crumple crumple.

Thunk.

Swush.

Thud.

For those who think this series of sound effects describes the use of a paper towel, you’re right. But these sound effects can also be used to illustrate the use of people.

People, women especially, seem to have become commodities in the realm of modern relationships. They are used, abused, and thrown aside like trash when the consumer becomes disenchanted with their latest acquisition.

Treating other human beings like garbage seems to have become the norm in our society. Modern dating involves test driving any number of different models for however long they are useful. Modern marriages are frequently terminated when selfishness outweighs togetherness. We live in an age of throwaway humanity.

Being treated as disposable is the only way of life some people have ever known. No matter how much of themselves they pour into a relationship, or how hard they try, it’s never enough. No amount of love, goodness, hard work, ethics, or sacrifice will satisfy some empty, endlessly ravenous people.

When a relationship requires actual commitment, effort, or consideration of the other above self, many people simply throw in the towel and move on. Standing up for their partner, or making them number one in their life, is more of a price than they are willing to pay. Especially if it means standing up to critical or controlling forces in their life.

This also happens when people stand up for themselves against abuse and mistreatment. Instead of getting help or going to therapy, many people would rather abandon their partner than face their personal demons. They often blame their partner for their own issues and angrily move on to their next train wreck.

When did it become okay to treat other human beings so casually, especially when you’ve pledged a commitment to them? Turn on nearly any television station, and you’ll see this behavior portrayed as normal. Often people on TV become intimately involved, break up, rinse, repeat, and rinse, and repeat. The cycle plays out over and over as if no one ever gets hurt and everyone’s just fine with being a temporary thrill.

Where’s the respect in that—for the other party and for oneself? In reality, this cycle can be very damaging to its participants. Besides the normal risks of pregnancy and disease, there is a psychological cost to the ongoing attachment and detachment of oneself with others.

Every time we give ourselves to another person, we seem to leave a piece of ourselves behind. We’ve given them things we can never get back. When we’re dumped for the latest shiny new toy, the grief can be devastating. We may blame ourselves even though we aren’t the guilty party.

Millions of people seem perfectly okay with mutual, continual pairing for convenience and pleasure. But then they wonder why their committed relationships and marriages don’t work out. If they’ve lived as if their partners exist for their enjoyment and gratification before commitment, do they have a fighting chance at happily ever after when they settle down?

Most people can’t change from self-centered to self-sacrificing overnight. It takes practice. Many are unwilling to even try. When the going gets rough, they just get going. On to the next one. And the next one. As if fostering an addiction, they are constantly searching for the partner who will be okay with them putting themselves first.

Ask a coworker. A relative. A friend. You will quickly find someone who has suffered the pain of being treated like a throwaway person. It’s frightening how many people can relate to this. It’s even more frightening how many of those tossed aside were conned into that initial relationship by someone claiming to want long-term commitment.

There are predators out there, people who claim to want the same things out of life that you do. But you don’t find out until much later that they aren’t serious about those things. They just said what they had to say to get what they wanted. As you got to know them, they were listening to what’s important to you, and then pretended to have the same values, or care about similar subjects.

They may stay with you for months, or even years. But in time you find that you’ve been one of several simultaneous relationships, or that they have other interests they wish to pursue. Astoundingly, sometimes these same adventure seekers want to remain “friends”, meaning they want to see other people and keep their options open with you. Or they want your emotional support and approval while they physically bond elsewhere, as if you have become their parent.

This behavior is epidemic. It is so common in our society that it seems few people are shocked by this behavior, and some even expect it. Condemning it may be considered archaic. However, this self-centered, nomadic relationship philosophy hurts a lot of good people. It destroys lives.

The victims of serial couplers are often left in a state of self-doubting shock, struggling with horrifically strong feelings of unworthiness. But they may also become desensitized to being used as an object or a means to an end. They become numb to the life-altering consequences of participating in the same narcissistic behavior. In this way the number of people engaging in shallow, egocentric liaisons multiplies like a plague.

We were never intended to be living Happy Meals, enjoyed for a limited duration and then chucked into the nearest trash can. We are meant to be in loving, lasting relationships in which we grow and learn with a devoted partner. We are supposed to be building our lives together with like-minded people, not bolstering our egos or accumulating conquests through devouring others.

Call it old-fashioned, but it is our current culture of disposable people that is largely responsible for the breakdown of the institutions of marriage and family. If we want to give our children a realistic chance at true love, stability, and a society without domestic violence, we need to stop our vampire-like coupling rituals and start setting an unselfish example. We need to be the role models our kids need.

Unless we learn from our mistakes and make a concerted effort to treat other people the way we want to be treated, this downward spiral will continue to suck in victims. It will chew them up and spit them out, bleeding and traumatized.

For those of us who believe that someday we’ll have to give an account of ourselves, how will we justify the repeated consumption of other human beings to our Creator? Can we possibly excuse this use of other people as being necessary to our own well-being? Why do we expect other human beings to fill a God-shaped hole in our hearts?

Millions of people have been the paper towel. Or the Styrofoam cup. Or the aluminum can. They know how it feels to be tossed from a moving car, roll into a ditch, and sit there on the side of the road festering under a hot sun. It’s lonely. It’s miserable. They may never be able to get back out of the ditch.

Their partners drive on, too focused on their next cold drink or snack to show any real remorse for treating another person so callously. Because in their world, it’s all about them, and what gives them maximum gratification on demand.

Let’s hope they wake up to their self-absorption before they drive off a cliff. They’ve left a wide swath of destruction in their wake and will destroy themselves as well if they keep treating precious individuals as expendable commodities.

We are all worth so much more than this.

The natural life in each of us is something self-centered, something that wants to be petted and admired, to take advantage of other lives, to exploit the whole universe. –C.S. Lewis

Self Care and Healing for Advocates...

By Anny Jacoby

Everyday advocates at rape crisis centers, domestic violence agencies and independents in the field see and hear the effects of victimization. When a community is shaken by a high profile case with media attention coming out of the woodwork an advocates work can be or is even more overwhelming. Advocates respond in person or by phone to many victims as they reach out for support, guidance, a safe place to begin their journey and the process of healing. As advocates we see and hear first-hand traumatic experiences of sexual assault and abuse against women, children and men daily. Advocates carry these experiences with them and even perhaps if an advocate is a survivor may experience "flashbacks". The constant exposure to any type of trauma can take a toll on an advocate's well-being. The evil of the world becomes more evident and something as simple as listening to a song or watching a movie, can fill us with anxiety, sadness, anger, and other negative feelings.

Positive impacts of advocacy are many...to witness a victim or survivor's courage, her/his strength and their commitment to healing themselves and families are beyond words.

What is Advocacy?

The definition of an advocate as a noun is:

1. One that pleads the cause of another

2. One that defends or maintains a cause or proposal

3. One that supports or promotes the interests of another

The definition of an advocate as a verb is:

To speak, plead, or argue in favor of.

1. One that argues for a cause, a supporter or defender

2. One that pleads in another's behalf

Noun Synonyms: supporter, spokesperson, promoter, upholder

Verb Synonyms: advise, build up, campaign for, defend, encourage, go bat for, justify, promote, recommend, speak for, spread around, support, urge, protect, shield, support

When the definitions and roles of an advocate are put forth and we understand exactly what our mission is there is nothing that will stop us. Or at the least, we will find a way around the obstacle in order to assist and extend our hand to those in need. I think one can agree with me that any advocate who pours her/his heart and soul into their mission or cause with positivity and deep emotions will be touched in some way or another. It's inevitable.

Marishka Hargitay plays Detective Olivia Benson on Law and Order; Special Victim's Unit and President and Founder of the Joyful Heart Foundation, stated:

"When people are abused and assaulted,
it is like the doors to their souls slam shut."

Just as souls of victims shut down, souls of advocates can shut down as well. If our souls shut down, how can we continue to assist and help victims to heal and transition into survivors and assist in lighting their souls once again? Where do advocates find support? How does "second-hand trauma" affect advocates? One of the most important things that I have learned throughout the years of advocacy was the absolute need and must to take care of ourselves. It is imperative to advocate "self-care".

Often when an advocate does not advocate "self-care" we see extreme levels of burnout and loss of passion for our mission and work. An advocate must take care of herself/himself while caring for others. Advocates owe themselves, their families and victims to take care of themselves because you cannot help others until you help yourself first. It is equally important that while you are being supportive of others it is just as important to be supportive and to take care of yourself.

So, how can an advocate focus on "self-care"?

General Prevention:
*Become aware of symptoms of stress before they become severe
*Establish clear, realistic stress management goals
*Incorporate all of the support and planning necessary to make it work
*The challenge is to find the satisfactory level of stress each of us requires in order to thrive.

Personal Strategies of Self-Care:
*Physical - Eat, exercise, dance, swim, walk, run, take vacations, sleep, get medical care when needed...
*Emotional - Love yourself, cry, laugh, express outrage, play with children, praise yourself, stay in contact with important people...
*Psychological - self reflect, journal, read, decrease stress, be curious...
*Spiritual - reflect, spend time outdoors, be inspired, pray, sing, meditate, identify what is meaningful, experience awe and cherish your hope...
*Workplace & professional - take a break, chat with other volunteers and staff members, set limits, balance your time, make your workspace comfortable and soothing...
*Balance between work life, volunteerism, family, play and relationships...


As Mother Teresa wrote, "To keep the lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it."


When it comes to stress relief, we need all of the help that we can get. When you are centered, those reaching out to you benefit as well.

Take a moment out of your busy schedule daily to relax (about 7 minutes). Read the following relaxation guide and then listen to the video/music below - you deserve it.

Close your office door, turn the lights off or dim them. Sit back in your chair, prop your feet up if able or lie on the floor, become comfortable, close your eyes and relax. As you settle, relax the weight of your body into the support of your chair or the floor. Notice how the body makes contact with the support of the chair or the floor. Relax the back of your legs...the back of your hips...your lower back, middle back and upper back. Relax the back of your shoulders...the back of your arms...the back of your neck...and the back of your head. Make any adjustments you need to, to relax the body into the chair/floor more fully. Relax into the support of the chair/floor completely.

Relax the muscles of your face. Relax your eyes and your forehead. Relax your temples and cheeks. Relax you mouth and jaw. Relax your whole face. Place your hands on your belly. Feel the rise and fall of your belly as you breathe. Notice each inhalation as it enters the body, and each exhalation as it exits the body. Let your breathing be soft, full and easy. No effort. Let the body be breathed. As you inhale, say silently in your mind, ‘Let.’ As you exhale, silently say ‘Go.’ Inhale, ‘Let.’ Exhale, ‘Go.’

Continue to observe the breath, letting the body sink deeper and deeper into relaxation. Let your arms rest by your side. As you exhale, make a soft fist with each hand. As you inhale, relax the fist, and let your hands remain softly curled and relaxed. Let the body sink deeper and deeper into the support of the floor.

Now, bring your awareness to your feet. Feel the soles of your feet, and all 10 toes. Imagine that you could inhale and exhale through the soles of your feet. Imagine the breath entering the body through the soles of the feet, and exiting the body through the soles of the feet. Inhale. Exhale.

Now, bring your awareness to your hands. Feel the backs of the hands, the palms of the hands and all 10 fingers. Imagine that you could inhale and exhale through the palms of your hands. Imagine the breath entering the body through the palms of your hands, and exiting the body through the palms of your hands. Inhale. Exhale.

Now, bring your awareness to your belly. Feel the belly rise and fall as you breathe. Imagine that you could inhale and exhale through the navel. Imagine the breath entering the body through the navel and filling the belly. Imagine the breath exiting the body through the navel. Inhale. Exhale.

Now, let your mind relax deeper, below awareness of the breath. Let the mind relax below the level of concentration on anything, including the breath. Let the body and mind let go. Let go, completely.

Notice your breathing. Notice each inhalation as it enters the body and each exhalation as it exits the body. Bring your hands back to the belly, and feel the belly rise and fall. Let your breathing be soft, full and easy. Notice the whole body. Notice the whole body supported by the floor. Notice how easy it is to be in your body, in this moment. Feeling fully supported, in this pose, and in all areas of your life.

When you’re ready to begin moving out of relaxation, gently move the fingers and toes. Let some sensation spread into the hands and feet. Stretch or move in any way that feels good. If on the floor, roll onto your right side, and rest there. If sitting, remain relaxed. Breathe easily. Take the best feeling of this relaxation with you.

InnerIDEA

Take care and STAY SAFE!