Conquering the Narcissist

photo by Gabe Walker

by Michelle Simonsen

You know there is a problem. It’s not you. But you’ve been told it’s you. Just smile and nod your head. ‘Thank you.’ ‘You are totally right.’ ‘I don’t know what I would do without you.’ Blah, blah, blah.

The narcissist. We’ve seen them in the public eye. Donald Trump. Bernie Madoff. Lance Armstrong. Charlie Sheen. Guess what? Most narcissists are not on television. They walk among us. They are your husbands, your bosses, clergy, and even your children. They can easily ruin lives. They wreak havoc in the boardroom, the courtroom, and the family room.

Don’t fool yourself. A well-developed narcissist cannot be cured. Narcissists are resistant to change, making it almost impossible for them to recognize their own behaviors in order to save their relationships or careers. If you insist on having a relationship with a narcissist despite the bleak prognosis you’ve been given, you’ll need to arm yourself for psychological warfare. Learn to conquer the narcissist--before they conquer you.

When dealing with a narcissist, ignorance is not bliss, and knowledge is power. Educate yourself. You must be able to recognize a narcissist before you can correctly handle them and the situation. Caution: Handle with care!

WHAT IS A NARCISSIST?

Narcissism is an excessive fixation on oneself. The personality disorder was named after a mythological Greek youth named Narcissus who became obsessed after falling in love with his own reflection in a lake.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines narcissistic personality disorder as:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. He or she will exaggerate achievements and talents and expects to be recognized as superior.

2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations of others.

6. Is exploitative. He or she will take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.

7. Lacks empathy. Narcissists are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes. 1

Other pervasive traits include constant interruption and domination of conversations, whether it be one-on-one, or in a group. A narcissist believes that if you are not special and superior like them, you are worthless. They will criticize not only you, but also everyone around them that doesn’t agree with them. Beware: If the narcissist is criticized or “attacked”, they will react with anger and inner humiliation. This will trigger rifts, arguments, and ultimately, alienation of friends, colleagues or family. A narcissist is incapable of successful long term, healthy relationships.

CAUSES OF NARCISSISM?

The etiology of narcissism is unknown, but researchers and experts believe that several factors occurring in early childhood may lead to narcissistic behavior. Some of these circumstances include excessive praise and admiration of a child by a parent that is never balanced with realistic feedback. Overindulgence by parents, family, and friends is also thought to be linked with narcissism. On the other hand, narcissistic personality disorder can also originate from severe emotional abuse or trauma during early childhood, including unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents. 2

A FOOL IN LOVE

Lynn was married to a pathological narcissist for over 20 years. She didn’t see the signs at age 18, when she met him in high school. He was good looking and irresistible with an abundance of superficial charm and charisma. He fooled everyone around him because he was a master at first impressions and false bravado. He was a compulsive and pathological liar. He had countless affairs, made up educational pursuits and degrees, and exaggerated stories about people he knew and where he’d been.

It took her many years to learn that she had been duped.

Throughout their marriage, Lynn’s husband was constantly fired from jobs. It was never “his fault”, instead blaming others for the discord. He burned bridges right and left. Like an abusive relationship, he kept Lynn controlled and isolated from family and had few friends. He expected undying loyalty and respect from everyone, but would turn on you

in a second if crossed or his logic was questioned. He found humor in making people upset or cry, and never apologized for his offending behavior. Why would he? In his eyes, it didn’t affect him, so it wasn’t his problem.

STUCK WITH A NARCISSIST? TIPS AND COPING SKILLS

• Lower your expectations. One shouldn’t have to lower their expectations in a relationship, but when dealing with a narcissist, there aren’t many choices. Please realize that your relationship will be completely one-sided because they are not capable of filling your emotional needs. Expect that they will exploit you by monopolizing your attention and demand that their needs and desires are attended to at all times. Remember, the narcissist lacks empathy and will never know (or care) that you are unhappy or have feelings.

• Don’t rock the boat. Choose your battles wisely. Never question the narcissist’s knowledge or point out his/her lack of knowledge. They must be “right” at all times. Be prepared to listen, but don’t plan on speaking. Don’t forget--you must forego your own opinions and ideas. Incorporating praise and admiration throughout any interaction with the narcissist is a must.

• Learn to keep yourself at an emotional distance. The narcissist will try to make you dependent upon them. If you keep your independence the narcissist is more likely to respect you.

• Master the ability to foresee bad behavior and reiterate to the narcissist the consequences for the specific behavior. Make sure you both know what your non-negotiables are, because this is where you MUST draw the line.

• Learn how to manipulate. Example: Your boyfriend never wants to see your family during the holidays. Turn it around and make it about him, “We should go to my parents for the holidays. They think you are so funny, they just love your stories!”

• Take back control. If you are able, limit your interaction with the narcissist. Keep your boss at arms length and avoid idle chatter. If your father is an unbearable, self-centered egomaniac, put a time limit on your conversation.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Assess the reason why you are in this relationship. What are you getting out of it? Are your needs being met? Weigh the pros and cons of why you remain in this toxic liaison. If you are not getting what you want, walk away. Never love anything that can’t love you back.

1 Narcissistic personality disorder – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth edition Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) American Psychiatric Association (2000)

2 "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Personality Disorders – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Armenian Medical Network. 2006. Retrieved 2007-02-14





Michelle Simonsen is an outspoken activist and true crime blogger well known for the grass-roots campaign,"Boycott Aruba," surrounding the time of the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

Joy -VS- Happiness, Part I

by Sandra L. Brown, MA

You were out looking for a little happiness when you stumbled upon Dr. Jekyll as he was appearing wonderful and considerate. Strangely, before you knew it, evil Mr. Hyde was instead dismantling anything that resembled happiness and leaving in it’s wake, destruction and despair.

Despair is a long way from the happiness you were initially seeking. How did you get from mere happiness-seeking to a totally despairing life? How can you embrace the happiness that you set out to find?

It might not even be ‘happiness’ per se that you were initially seeking. You might have been looking for someone who was introspective, spiritual and existential. But you tell me…

Happiness is external. It’s based on situations, events, people, places, things, and thoughts. Happiness is connected to your hope for a relationship or your hope for a future with someone. Happiness is linked to that ‘some day when I meet the right guy’ or ‘when he starts changing and acting right’ or ‘when he goes to counseling.’

Happiness is future oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone elses basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the end result is your happiness. These expectations can be seen especially during the holidays when whether or not you have a ‘merry christmas’ or a ‘happy holiday’ depends on whether or not he is with you, shows up, isn’t drunk, isn’t cheating,
or a list of other behaviors you expect for a ‘happy holiday’ experience. Unfortunately, pathology rarely obliges in that way. So when the relationship falls thru, or he isn’t wonderful at Christmas, or you kick him out, or he cheats again, or he runs off with your money, or he was a con artist…then your holidays were not ‘happy’ and your happiness
was crushed.

Unhappiness is the result. It’s a typical and inevitable result in pathological love relationships. Afterall, it’s the only way it CAN turn out. There are no happy endings to pathological relationships. After Christmas and New Years, he will still be pathological and you will still have the same problems you had in November. You notice that The Institute has not written a book called ‘How to Have a Happy Relationship With a Pathological.’

Chronic unhappiness leads to despair and depression. Remember the emotional roller coaster you rode with him? You were happy when he was good, and miserable when he was bad? You were hypnotically lulled into happy-land when you were with him and in intrusive thought-hell when you weren’t? Your happiness was hitched to his rear end. When he was around (and behaving) you were happy. When he wasn’t, your happiness followed his rear end right out the door and you were obsessing, wondering, and pacing.

Happiness is what you feel when he says the ‘right romantic’ stuff, buys you a ring or moves in. But happiness is not joy because joy is not external, it can’t be bought and it is not conditional on someone else’s behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. You don’t have to have ‘him’ for the holidays to have joy. Likewise, you don’t have to get revenge, snoop out his short comings, tell the new girlfriend the truth or any thing else in order to have joy. You can lose in court with him, already have lost your life savings to him, watch him out with a new woman, or live out of the back of your car and still have joy.

You’re probably thinking,’Sure you can have joy in those circumstances if you are Mother Teresa!’ Joy is almost a mystery, isn’t it? It’s a spiritual quality that is internal. My mother had a lot of joy and I learned from watching her joy. Her pathological man ran off with her life savings forcing her to work well past retirement. It forced her to live simply so moved to a one room beach shack and drove a motorcycle. For cheap entertainment, she walked the beach and painted nudes. She drank cheap grocery store wine that came in a box, bought her clothes from thrift shops, and made beach totes from crocheting plastic grocery bags together. She recycled long before it was hip to do it. But what she recycled most and best was pain….into joy.

Instead of looking externally for yet another relationship to remove the sting of the last one, or to conquer the boredom she might feel at being alone…she cultivated internal and deep abiding joy. It was both an enigma and a privlege to watch this magnificent life emerge from the ashes of great betrayal.

I use her a lot as an example of someone who went ahead and got a great life and turned this rotten deal into an exquistie piece of art called her life. Anyone who spoke of my mother spoke MOST of her radiant joy. She had the ‘IT’ factor long before it was even called ‘IT.’ Women flocked to her to ask ‘How did you do it? How did you shed the despair and bitterness of what he did and grow into this? THIS bright shining joyful person? What is your secret?’

Somewhere along that rocky path of broken relationships with pathological men, she learned that happiness is fleeting if it’s tied to a man’s shirt tails. She watched too many of the shirt tails walk out the door with her happiness tied to his butt. In order to find the peacefulness that resides inside, she had to learn what was happiness and what was joy.

The transitory things of life are happiness-based. She had a big house and lost a big house when she divorced my father. She had a big career and lost a big career when she got ‘too old’ according to our culture to have the kind of job she had. She had diamonds and lost diamonds.

So she entered into voluntary simplicity where the fire of purging away ‘stuff’ left a clearer picture and path to the internal life. When stuff, people, and the problems they bring fall away there is a stillness. Only in that stillness can we ever find the joy that resides inside of us, dependent on nothing external in order to exist. During this holiday season, this is a great concept to contemplate.

Her joy came from deeply held spiritual beliefs but it also came from a place even beyond that. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, then you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It’s not rocked by anything.

It wasn’t rocked as she layed dying four years ago in the most peaceful arms of grace–a blissful state of quiet surrender and anticipation. Those who were witness to her death still tell me that her death brought new understanding to them about the issue of real joy. Joy in all things….death of a dream, death of relationship, death of a body. Joy from within, stripped down, naked and beautiful.

Untie your happiness from the ends of his shirt tales…

(Watch for Part II next month!)

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the Founder and CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  She is the author of several best selling books, including How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Why Women Love Psychopaths. www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Whiskas Guy

by Heidi Hiatt

If you haven’t seen it already, Whiskas cat food has a commercial out that makes women swoon over both man and beast:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VH2zGc0TAc.

As if the kitty in the commercial isn’t cute enough, his “dad” is talking to him in a way that elicits a Harley Davidson purr. Kitties love love! They give and receive love in oodles, and they soak up positive words that remind them how special and unique they are. Don’t think you have enough love in your life? Get a cat.

“Dad,” although an actor, is clearly a cat guy. When I hear a man say, “I don’t like cats,” I ask them if they’ve ever had one. Almost every time, the answer is no. Somehow dogs can be considered more masculine than cats, so men stereotype our feline friends. Unless someone has had a traumatic experience with a rabid mountain lion wielding a chainsaw, I’m wary of men who don’t like cats. It makes me wonder if they are afraid to be in touch with their emotions or show feeling.

Some women find Whiskas guy sexy because he is honest about his feelings, openly shows his affection for his cat, and knows what makes his cat happy. His cat doesn’t love him because he looks like George Clooney; he loves him because there is a mutual admiration and closeness. Joy and peace flow between them. They play together and enjoy each other’s company. This cat knows that his “dad” will provide for him and protect him. He realizes that while dad has to go to work and on golf dates with his buddies sometimes, dad is a constant and won’t abandon him. There are millions of women who need a Whiskas guy!

In today’s celebrity-drenched, self-absorbed modern world, “sexy” is often seen as tight abs, perfect hair, capped teeth, or hairless gorillas who live at the gym. I’m not saying that’s all bad. It’s natural to appreciate good looks and the fact that someone cares enough to take care of themselves. But what’s missing from this equation are the internal qualities that make a person sexy. Whiskas guy appears to have those qualities: kindness – compassion – creativity – honesty – affection – empathy – a commitment to someone other than himself. Now THAT’S sexy!

When I watch extreme makeover shows, I like seeing the before and after results. New clothes and an updated hairstyle can do wonders for one’s self-esteem. I love when I hear about hairdressers who go to shelters to do women’s hair because a little pampering can go a long way. I wonder, though, how quickly the exterior glow wears off when conditions on the person’s inside haven’t changed.

I’ve seen this happen with gastric bypass surgery. Initially, the resulting weight loss makes the person look and feel better. But if the underlying issues that might have contributed to their weight weren’t addressed, people can gain the weight back easily. In general, just because someone looks great doesn’t mean they’re happy or stable.

People can have perfect hair, immaculate teeth, designer clothes, and expensive jewelry, yet still be absolute horrors under the surface. Psychopaths in particular can take great pride in their exterior veneer, luring partners with their carefully groomed physiques and practiced smiles. But they’re like cars with shiny new paint that have ugly, damaged engine blocks down below. The problem is, the shell of the car looks so good that some people don’t bother to pop the hood. They assume that the battery, belts, and bolts are in a similarly dazzling condition.

Some guys try to be sexy by talking “cool” to women or wearing too much cologne. They go to great lengths to have the latest in brand name clothing and accessories. They try to drive a car that appeals to the opposite sex and give out the right “vibes.” They flash their money and hang out in “cool” places. They make sure they have “cool” friends. Is that sexy? That depends on the woman. I’d argue, however, that what’s far sexier is when a man is unafraid to be himself and not trying to act like everyone else.

A unique individual who shows kindness, compassion, and commitment without acting like he’s out to impress his third grade classmates is sexy. Being unafraid to stand out from the crowd by being true to who he is shows confidence. A guy who’s honest about his love for cats, dogs, his Spongebob lounge pants, or GI Joe action figure collection is probably going to be more accepting of his female partner’s uniqueness as well. A sincere love and compassion for animals may mean that he’s willing to give and receive love in copious doses. True sexiness goes far beyond the fauxhawk or bulging biceps. True sexy means he’s sexy on the inside too.

For those of you who are thinking of running out and adopting a furry four-legged child to look sexy, please do it because you are making a lifetime commitment to that pet, not for looks. That’s the whole point of this blurb– true sexiness is sincere and goes far below the surface. Besides, we can already spot you at the dog park. You’re the guy who’s traipsing across the muddy field in a white Adidas track suit ogling female dog moms rather than playing with the dog you borrowed from your neighbor. Sorry, but that’s not likely to be real puppy love. You’re just using the dog to meet women. At least the dog’s getting some play time and exercise.

To bring my faith into the discussion, a guy who’s kind, compassionate, and shows genuine empathy is, to some degree, a reflection of His Creator. I think it’s unlikely that God wears an Ed Hardy Yakuza shirt and True Religion jeans. God looks on the heart, and when you’re striving to be closer to Him and His nature, your insides will reflect Him.

The closer you get to Him, the more you will exude His love and grace from your outside as well. His true self will start to show on your face and it will be evident in your daily actions. Women will notice a man who doesn’t just talk the talk and try to be sexy in a “deep as a wading pool” way, but does nice and generous things even when no one’s looking. Sexy!

So yeah, Whiskas guy is sexy. He is kind to animals. He loves the gorgeous little purr machine who is rolling around on his chest and licking his face. He’s so cool he wants to take his cat on a picnic– and he’s unafraid to say it. He probably also builds forts for his cat out of sheets and couch cushions and makes cat birthday cakes out of canned food with chicken baby food frosting and catnip sprinkles.

Now that’s a real man! Bold, creative, honest, and has time for someone other than himself even if he does work out, golf, and dwell in a cubicle nine hours a day. I know plenty of women who could use a real man like that. So when you think of sexy, remember that she’s going to care more about your heart than your hairdo. Be the Whiskas guy, or be his cat– women will be drawn to you either way.


With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats? -Fernand Mery

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Mutual Pathology: Gasoline and Fire

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Pathology is a mental health issue, not a gender issue. Women have just as much pathology in some areas of personality disorders, as men do in other areas of personality disorders. Some of the 10 personality disorders present more in men, while some of the disorders present more in women.

As you have heard me say over the years, pathology is pathology – meaning that each personality disorder has it’s own problems and challenges in relationships, but mainly holds to the central three aspects that I talk about related to pathology:

1. The inability to grow to any true emotional or spiritual depth.
2. The inability to consistently sustain positive change.
3. The inability to have insight about how one’s behavior negatively
affects others.

Given those three aspects of personality disorders, we can easily see how each of the different types of personality disorders can be linked together by these three ‘inabilities.’

While men may be more bent towards Anti-Social Personality Disorder or psychopathy, women may show more of a bent towards Histrionic, Dependent, or Borderline Personality Disorder. When you have a man with a personality disorder coupled with a personality disordered women – it equals Jerry Springer Dynamics!

There is no guarantee that there is only one pathological in the relationship. Women have just as much mental illness, addictions, and personality disorders as men. It’s quite common for people with a personality disorder to hook up with another disordered individual. When this happens you have two people who can’t grow to any true depth emotionally or spiritually, two people who can’t sustain positive change, and two people who don’t have insight about how their behavior affects others. These relationships are dramatic fire-beds of emotionality, addiction, and violence.

Women’s pathology is just as damaging to men as men’s pathology is to women. Women’s pathology may present differently than men’s overt aggression related to their pathology, but it is not any less problematic. Women’s pathology can sometimes (and I use the word ‘sometimes’ lightly) be subtle when it is masked behind emotional dependency, sexual addiction, sexual manipulation, financial dependency, or high emotionality. Those types of symptoms can be associated with more than just a personality disorder. But women’s pathology is just as damaging to a partner, a boss, their family, friends, and God forbid, the effects it has on their children.

While women are more likely to be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, borderlines are often misdiagnosed, and under-diagnosed psychopaths and anti-socials. There seems to be somewhat of a gender-bias when it comes to diagnosing women with psychopathy. Unless they have participated in a Bonnie and Clyde-type episode, or made the America’s Most Wanted television program, they are likely to be downgraded in their pathology. Dramatic, highly emotional, or self-injuring women may be downgraded to Histrionic, Narcissistic, or Borderline Personality Disorder. Those with a little more flare for hiding their real lives may warrant the same diagnosis as male psychopaths. Their ability to hide it better, or having less violence associated with their behavior, goes undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed. But not all female psychopaths are non-violent. Many are horribly violent – to their children and their partners – yet always present themselves as the victims. These are the women most likely to press unwarranted domestic violence assaults, cry rape that didn’t happen, and abandon their children. The point is, both genders can have personality disorders and each personality disorder may, or may not, present in a slightly different way in the other gender.

Beyond mutual pathology, a woman’s own mental health can influence the dynamics within a relationship with a pathological man. A woman that has bipolar disorder that is untreated, and who is in a relationship with a borderline male, can bring unusually dramatic dynamics to the relationship. Their fluctuations in mood can ignite a feeding frenzy of boiling anger in both which is likely to lead to violence. Both partners having a substance abuse or alcohol problem can certainly fuel the relationship dynamics in further, severely negative ways.

Let’s not overlook the ‘model’ of pathological behavior that women often get from being raised in a home with a pathological parent. She brings to the relationship the pathological-like behaviors that are learned within pathological families. I have seen this in sessions with women (and hear it a lot in the emails I receive) where the pathological affects of her childhood, adult life, or past or current relationship is negatively affecting her worldview, current level of functioning, as well as the entitlement attitudes she brings to the table. Couple any of HER mental health issues and situations along with HIS pathology, and you have some of the most volatile and difficult relationships and breakups in history.

There has been many times in working with women that I recognize he is not the only problem in the scenario. Not all women in pathological relationships are mentally ill. However, some women in pathological relationships ARE mentally ill. Some of her own mental illness can be the gasoline on the fire of the pathological love relationship that fans the flames of danger for her. Red flags, for me, that show there is possible mental health issues with her includes the following:

• Entitlement
• Chronic victim mentality
• Unregulated mood issues not amenable to treatment/medication
• Chronically returning to the pathological relationship
• Replacing relationships with more pathological relationships
• History of unsuccessful counseling/treatment
• Doesn’t take responsibility for her own behaviors/choices

These represent only a few of the many symptoms that could indicate a possible mental health issue in the woman as well. Clearly, pathology is not gender specific. Pathology and other mental health issues in both parties can accelerate the dangerousness and problems seen in pathological love relationships.

 Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the Founder and CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  She is the author of several best selling books, including How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Why Women Love Psychopaths. www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Related articles

• Trait Examination or Character Assassination? (saferelationshipsmagazine.com)
• Genetic and Neuro-Physiological Basis for Hyper-Empathy (saferelationshipsmagazine.com)
• Disorders with Borderline Personality (neumannpsychology.wordpress.com)
• When Women Have Anti Social Disorder in a Relationship (phoenixsphere.com)

Pathological Systems and Penn State

By Sandra Brown

The nation is aghast at the Penn State sexual abuse/rape and subsequent cover up of the repeated assaults of young boys over a 15 year period. This case reminds us that even the most loved of places, those with the best of reputations, can have pathology coursing in its veins and leadership.

Jerry Sandusky a former coach is charged with sexual abuse of eight boys (and more victims stepping forward are expected). Tallying it all up currently includes 40 counts; 21 of them are felonies spanning 15 years of abuse having gained access to them through The Second Mile, a youth foundation he started ‘to help kids’. (Am sure the sexually abused children are saying ‘Gee thanks for that help.’)

Each of the 21 felonies carries 7-20 years and $15-25k fine with 19 misdemeanors carrying 2-5 years and $5-10k fine. Needless to say, the court rightfully so, finds the abuse allegations to be extensive. We can only guess how many rapes that accounts for over a 15 year span…and how many victims.

Mike McQueary, assistant foot ball coach witnessed at least one of the rapes in 2002 during which he watched, did not stop it, and did not immediately report it to law enforcement including campus police.

He did however pass the buck for reporting the rape by telling head coach Joe Paterno who also did not report to police, including campus police. A 23 page grand jury report said Paterno was told in 2002 about the sexual assault against an approximately aged 10 year old boy in the shower at the university. 

McQueary also passed the buck to Tim Curley, the athletic director and Gary Schultz the Senior Vice President (whose duties included the oversight of the university police) about the assault, none of whom also made the mandated child protective reports and reports to law enforcement.

Paterno’s defense to what he did not report was that McQueary was ‘distraught but didn’t tell me specific actions that occurred.’ There is no evidence that Paterno followed up to find what specific actions had occurred, or turned over the alleged ‘distraught’ concerns to child protective services or campus law enforcement.

All citizens are considered to be mandated reporters in child abuse cases and certainly university staffs are trained in reporting protocols for both the university and the state since they work with students. However, none of those protocols were followed and none of the mandatory reporting laws seemed to be applicable to them. You do not have to prove child abuse—you simply have to have a suspicion of abuse and then you are mandated to report. Child protection services and law enforcement will take it from there. 

A naked adult with a naked child is not a suspicion. That is a crime and a fact that is mandated, not only legally but ethically and morally.

Mike McQueary did not follow up checking with police or campus police to make sure Paterno, Curley or Schultz actually filed a report. While it is appropriate that he told others, it is not enough. The law is not ‘tell your boss and walk away’. It’s that you report. Whatever you do after that for ‘on the job’ notification to your superiors is separate and distinct from reporting. University staff is always trained in abuse protocols. It’s not that they didn’t know what they were supposed to do.

While being labeled as a ‘whistle blower’ about the university might be uncomfortable and a motivation for not reporting directly to law enforcement, it is not nearly as uncomfortable as being raped and scarred for life. It’s not nearly as uncomfortable as a child who knows you saw what happened to them in a shower and did not help them…in the moment or later.

Ramifications? Being labeled as a whistle blower, or being fired for covering it up—I mean ‘really?’ are we comparing those consequences with those of eight little boys whose lives were ruined from adults looking the other way. A job is equal to a rape in terms of ramifications? It was hid to save their jobs?

Let’s count here….

1.  Sandusky never confessed to what he had done to save himself from jail and keep a job.  Considering he’s a pedophile, not many were expecting him to have insight about how his behaviors were destroying someone else.

McQueary, a flicker of conscience…not in the middle of the rape, not even that evening as he went to bed…but the next day and a couple more notifications to others but not pushing the envelope enough to ask his superiors if they did something about his suspicions. Not wanting to incur the wrath of employers? Not wanting to seem outside of the good ol boy’s club that anything goes….job protection.

Curly never reported suspicions of abuse.

Schultz as a Senior Vice President and who oversaw campus police never reported suspicions of abuse. 

Who does that? Who places employment before anal penetration? Who places their football ego in front of oral rape? Who shows up year after year for work walking passed the showers where innocence was lost? Who oversees campus police and doesn’t make a report of suspicions? What kind of pathology does that? 

But instead, this moment of looking at not only individual pathology but corporate pathology is being lost. Instead of looking at the kinds of symptoms pathology perpetrates in the individual and in systems, we are instead hyper-empathically focused on micro issues: The ‘conflicted’ pedophile, the social psychology of why others look on and do nothing, the severe motivation of job loss at high levels, how well loved a coach is as evidence of guilt or innocence.

We miss seeing that when pathologicals are at the head guiding the system, they are making deep psychological imprints of their own pathological world views projected like a cult-reality on the screen of other’s psyches. That’s it not just an individual that can be sick, its entire systems that are guided by pathological and psychopathic belief systems. (Anyone ever read Snakes in Suits by the world’s leading expert in white collar psychopathic behavior, Dr. Robert Hare?) 

It took a system, not just an individual, to cover up 15 years of rape. It took the camaraderie of people who collectively had reduced empathy and conscience to hide the fact that little boys were penetrated, and kids were trafficked to psychopathic benefactors. Now there are allegations that the rape and assault of little boys were used as perks to pedophile benefactors.  It’s called human trafficking.

This did not happen in a vacuum as most trafficking, extended abuse, and cover up normally doesn’t. It takes individual and corporate pathology to create an environment of longevity and invisibility to perpetrate 15 years of rape. It takes pathology on many levels from being the pedophile to being a silent accessory to the crime to allow over a decade of soul destroying abuse in a psychopathic fraternity of football narcissism.

Systemic pathology has been seen through the years in the church, in the military, in the white house, in the FBI---in any large system. How did thousands come to believe that the holocaust was the right thing to do? It happened when one pathological in a system created a systemic belief system and brought into that system at high management levels other persons whose own pathology shared the basic core belief systems and those beliefs found their home and their spark with the pathological leader.

Think all of the players are not likely pathological? Want to split hairs about which Cluster B diagnosis they are likely to fall into and our inability to really diagnosis someone if they aren’t in front of us? I don’t. You can see from this case what happens when someone does not have enough empathy, enough insight into how their behavior affects others, enough guilt, enough conscience, or enough remorse. Whether the perps and accessories are cleanly in the ranges of secure diagnosis really doesn’t matter because even reduced amounts of these traits-of-humanity have caused pathological results in the lives of children. Here is an example when a Cluster B is really a Cluster F for everyone in their paths.

Pathology In Systems

The Psychopathic Checklist helps us view elements of pathology that can perhaps help us to expand the view to see pathology active not in just a person but in a system. I have check marked those that I think we can apply to the pathological belief system of the department/portions of departments that were involved. (Below is the Psychopathy Checklist- Revised created by Dr. Robert Hare). 

 Glibness/superficial charm (at least applicable to the charm and support and near-riots of the followers of Paterno).

Grandiose sense of self-worth (entitled to not follow the mandated reporting laws of child abuse)

Pathological lying

Cunning/manipulative (the years this has continued is a tribute to cunning ability to hide it and/or manipulate others into not telling)

Lack of remorse or guilt

• Shallow affect (genuine emotion is short-lived and egocentric) (unable to determine)

Callousness; lack of empathy

Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

• Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom (unable to determine) 

• Parasitic lifestyle (perhaps within a systems model type of approach)

Poor behavioral control

Lack of realistic long-term goals (lack of realistic long term outcomes of suppressing child abuse)

• Impulsivity

Irresponsibility

• Juvenile delinquency
• Early behavior problems
• Revocation of conditional release

Promiscuous sexual behavior

• Many short-term marital relationships

Criminal versatility (lots of versatility displayed)

Acquired behavioral sociopathy/sociological conditioning (Item 21: a newly identified trait i.e. a person relying on sociological strategies and tricks to deceive) (developed within the context of a pathological system and leader).

Out of 21 items, 13 items if applied to the pathological system can be viewed checked off in the above list. That’s 65%.

Perpetration of Pathology By Non-Recognition

Hoping that the mental health system is going to jump in here and help with public pathology education? The perpetration of pathology invisibility is highly related to the lack of pathology education even within the mental health field. The inability to spot pathology in others, and certainly as we can see, the inability to spot it in systems, has kept the mental health field largely another system unable to identify it.

To the mental health field’s defense, Robert Hare (world’s psychopathy expert) calls these disorders the ‘disorders of social hiding.’ That is, they look normal in the context of their setting (especially when sprinkled in with more pathology that camouflages glaring overtness in any single one person). The more successful, wealthy, or well-liked one is, the less likely they are to be noticed as pathological. Mix it with the hyper-empathy and positive psychology approach of some clinicians and you have all the Kum-By-Yah’ness behind which pathology never gets pointed out and none of the forensic attunement that might help others learn from these examples of pathology.

My case in point, having started a discussion on several professional therapist forums, these are the responses that clue us in to whether the mental health field will lead us in the much needed public pathology education awareness field….

My posting was “Calling everyone who understand pathology: Do not let the Penn State teaching moment be lost in translation in words that do not teach pathology in action. This is not merely 'abuse' -- this is pathology in both those who did it and those who hide it. Who Does That? Help other see the Cluster B disorders in action. Use the real language!’

The responses were:

“I take exception to the use of Penn State being a teachable moment. It’s is my alma mater…1 football coach does not define the entire institution.”

“IMO the abuser is less guilty than those who covered up.”

“Perhaps we should discuss why people who knew did not act appropriately. What about these crimes (rapes) shut them down morally. Is something like this too overwhelming for the average person to deal with, thus they shut down?”

“As professionals we owe our clients to explore their case in all it's uniqueness and individuality….Why does this client have the craving for this abnormal sexual fondness of children?... we remain a blank screen on which the client can write the story of his life. As a professional I can see myself having empathy even with a pedophile… as for myself I am extremely disgusted with the persecutor and his helpers. “

“The DSM can diagnose and predict and structure, but can not understand an individual's core conflict. This work can only be done one session at a time with compassion and lots if patience with our support as a holding environment.”

“I agree that this is definitely a teachable moment for our students. If we talk about a possible diagnosis with the goal of building compassion, then I can get on board with that.”

In those statements is very little pathological identification (outside of pedophilia) especially in the accessories to the crime. While many of those accessories who turned a blind eye to the rapes are likely to be legally and criminally considered accessories to the crime, few of us are holding them to the same standard. We are interested in understanding them, not insulting an institution because someone attended there and seems to think this is a case about one coach and not all the other accessories—we are more interested in extending patience, support, compassion for the child rapist and accessories.  

I don’t see much interest in the world at large for exposing pathology for what it is so others can identify it in the future. If we don’t learn from what we have experienced, how do we bring that experience to light? I see little help in understanding pathology in corporate constructs or bilateral distribution of the crime of not reporting. Instead, the public outcry as witnessed on campus is a snapshot of the social investment to a perception—that there was one pedophile and that’s the end of the story.

From whom shall we look to understand personal and corporate pathology? Where shall our public pathology education come from?

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the CEO and Founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Predictability of Pathology

By Sandra L. Brown

Over and over again women say "You are describing my relationship EXACTLY"
or "He has said those exact words to me!" Or "how do you know what my relationship
is like--how can you know this?" Contrary to some beliefs, I'm NOT psychic!

I accurately describe people's relationships because to a certain extent, parts of
pathology and their behavior is predictable. In the last blog, I listed a check list of their
frequent behaviors. Pathology is related to certain personality disorders and each one of these personality disorders has it's own set of behaviors and dysfunctions. To know the personality disorder is to know the behavior--either now or in the future. This is why Public Psychopathy Education is information for everyone because anyone can learn to predict, to a certain extent, the kinds of behaviors that are likely from the pathological in their life.

Each personality disorder has it's own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology
is related to:

a. The inability to sustain postive change
b. The inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their negative behavior and how it affects others

So once you understand the behaviors related to the personality disorder then you
apply the 'Absolutes of Pathology' -- the inability to change, grow, or develop insight
and you can pretty much take his behavior now and apply it to the future in ANY
relationship. His behaviors related to his specific personality disorder are permanent.
If someone can not grow or change then his behaviors aren't going to change. If his
behaviors aren't going to change he will be the same today as he was 10 years ago in
a relationship and will be the same 20 years from now. If he doesn't have the ability
to develop insight about his behavior then I can pretty much tell you what it's like
to communicate with someone who can't 'see' his own faults.

Our goal in Public Psychopathy Education is for others to understand that you TOO
can learn to loosely predict pathological behavior based on past or current behavior. Once
you understand the symptoms of the personality disorder you can expect these behaviors
to continue.  The more you understand the Absolutes of Pathology the more clearly you
can understand what his future is likely to hold for himself and others in his life. It isn't
hard to predict something that doesn't change!

The exception to that rule is when violence is or has been involved. Pathologicals
with violence issues can be erratic and unstable. Predicting their ability to be currently
'non-violent based' on past non-violent episodes is too risky and he may not follow the
patterns he normally follows. For people with impulse control problems that are linked
to pathology/personality disorders then you have to assume there is always the risk of
violence.

Additionally, pathologicals who are addicts are hard to predict because of the instability of the person in an addiction. Addictions are realted to higher levels of violence. With violence, sexual offenses or addiction the rule of thumb is that the predicitbility factor is likely to be too risky to judge. When in doubt--doubt his predictability in violence, addiction or sexual offenses.

Otherwise, pathology is fairly easy to call. When someone doesn't change, the best
predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you're wondering what your pathological
was like in the relationship before you or will be like in the one after you, just gauge
everything from where he is today. It's that simple and that sad.

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Chronic Personality Problems in Problem Relationships

By Sandra L. Brown

In our first segment, I discussed that all abusers are not created equal. That means not all abusers treatment is going to be effective. Ultimately, not all problem relationships have a solution. That's not popular to hear--but it is realistic. If people who are in problem relationships want to avoid future problem relationships, they have to understand what contributes to permanent disorders and the signs within the behavior.

There is no doubt that chronic personality problems wreak havoc in relationships. If we looked a little closer at what we call 'domestic violence, abusive, chronic, or dyfunctional' relationships, we would notice that the worst of these have commonalities. (No abuse is mild. I'm not suggesting that. What I am trying to hone on is the chronicity and lethality of some of the relationships that are not treatable).

When looking at the behaviors associated with problem partners with permanent problems, we have to do two things. Look broadly at the symptoms, but not so broadly that we find loopholes. Normally, one symptom off a behavioral list does not constitute one of the now referred to as 'severe personality disorders' or the no conscienced disorders of sociopathy or psychopathy. However, they don't need to have all of these traits in order to be destructive or even diagnosed with the disorder. Those in relationships with problem partners often fail on the side of 'too much empathy' and give them more credit for not having these symptoms than what is warranted. Somewhere in the middle of one trait-too-many is a snap shot of problem partners. Here are some of the behaviors associated with severe personality disorders and socio/psychopathy. 

To make this the emotional reality check it should be, check off any traits you are WILLING to have in an intimtate relationship or father-material for your child:

___Disregard for, and the violation of, the rights of others

___Failure to conform to lawful social norms

___Deceitfulness Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

___Irritability and aggressiveness as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

___Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others

___Consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial

        obligations   

(Above are related to Antisocial Personality Disorder)

___ Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent about having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another

___ Glib and superficial charm

___ Grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self

___ Need for stimulation

___ Pathological lying

___ Cunning and manipulativeness

___ Lack of remorse or guilt

___ Shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)

___ Callousness and lack of empathy

___ Parasitic lifestyle

___ Poor behavioral controls

___ Sexual promiscuity

___ Early behavior problems

___ Lack of realistic long-term goals

___ Impulsivity irresponsibility

___ Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

___ Many short-term relationships

___ Juvenile delinquency

___ Revocation of conditional release

___ Criminal versatility

(Above are related to Sociopaths/Psychopaths)

___ Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

___ Intense and unstable personal relationships that over idealize and devalue

___ Identity disturbance with unstable self image or sense of self impulsivity in at least two areas

        (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

___ Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-mutilation

___ Emotional instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic irritability or anxiety)

___ Chronic feelings of emptiness

___ Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

(Above are related to Borderline Personality Disorder)

___ A grandiose sense of self importance

___ Exaggerates their achievements and talents

___ Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

___ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

___ Believes that he is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should only associate with,

        other special or other high-status people or institutions.

___ Requires excessive admiration

___ Has a sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or

        automatic compliance with his expectations

___ Is interpersonally exploitative within relationships and takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

___ Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

___ Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

___ Shows an arrogant, haughty behavior or attitude

(Above are related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

Did you see any 'must haves' for your 'how-to-have-a-happy-life' relationship checklist? I didn't think so.

Thats because this list is not mild relational infractions or merely Dr.Phil 'deal breakers'. These are permanent pathology that can emotional mangle or even kill you or your children. These lists are profiles are those who go on to do the most damage, the chronic repeated abuse, the child abductions, stalking, rape, and killing. These are the abusers who are not created equal, who have permanent brain and personality disorders that bypass what psychology can do for them. Anger management--nope. Batterer intervention--nope. Intensive psychotherapy--nope. Pathology is noted for it's Three Inabilities (Brown, 2005):

* Inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth

* Inability to sustain positive change

* Inability to develop insight how their behavior negatively effects others

These inabilities are the hallmark of permanent and chronic disorders that create chronic problem relationships. 

Bring your check list above next time when I talk about how these charactersitics effect the relationship dynamics! 

(For more information on Problem Partners contact us at www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)

What's the Problem With Problem Partners?

By Sandra L. Brown



Problem partners create problems which manifest as problem relationships. These relationships are often referred to as 'bad relationships,''drama,' 'dysfunctional' even 'abusive' when in fact, often the dynamic at play is a result of what I have coined 'Pathological Love Relationships.' People wrongly assume that even abusive relationships can be 'fixed.' All abusers are not created equal. Some are permanently disordered.

These problem relationships are related to permanent personality structures and disorders.
Mislabeled, undiagnosed, or misunderstood, these relationships churn out the problems for the partners, their children, their families, and the therapists who try to help them. Behaviors associated with problem partners can include: repeat violence, chronic infidelity, addiction relapsing, unstabilized mental illness, parasitic lifestyle, abandoning the family/children, chronic use of court and lawsuits, stalking and cyber-stalking, attempted homicides.

Neuroscience has helped us understand some of the brain processes and problems involved in problem partners which have disorders referred to as the 'Erratic and Dramatic' disorders.

The partners who are challenged by faulty brain processing and negative behaviors often associated with narcissism and anti-social personality disorders and the group of no conscience disorders of sociopathy and psychopathy which make for some pretty lousy
relational material. 

This lousy relationship quality I refer to as 'Inevitable Harm' because when someone's brain processes are hard-wired and they lack the ability to sustain positive changes through therapy or develop insight about how their negative behavior hurts others--there's only one way this relationship is going to be---harmful. Even the court system now labels these relationships uniquely as 'High Conflict Cases.'

My contribution to Times Up! blog is going to look at Inevitable Harm related to partners who have problems bigger than what psychology can do for them. We help others identify if they are in PROBLEM RELATIONSHIPS.


We will look at:

* The traits of those with chronic personality problems that wreak havoc in the relationship
* Look at the unusual pathological love relationship dynamics specific to these disorders
* Take a peek at the neuroscience about what is wrong with their brain
* Learn the elevated temperament or 'super' traits of those who have gotten in relationships with this kind of disorder
* Marvel at the affected language, communication and meaning in these relationships and how it drives the other partner crazy
* Understand why these relationships feel more intense than others
* Realize why break ups are hard to do and fraught with 'Boomerang' attraction

Along the way we will review the characteristics in the disorders related to impulsivity, sexual acting out, interpersonal exploitation, low/no empathy, excitement seeking, and conning.

And of course, we'll look at the physical, sexual, and financial harm of these emotionally lethal predators and parasites. Stay tuned. I look forward to opening your eyes about Pathological Love Relationships!

Sandra Brown

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction &
Public Psychopathy Education
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com