A Thousand More Sunrises for Robin Smith

We have experienced days where we wish we could go back under the covers and hide from the world until the next new sunrise. Yesterday, I had one of those days. Absolutely nothing went right from my first cup of morning coffee that never made it to my lips because it slipped out of my half awake hand crashing onto the kitchen floor. And I have a rule to never answer my cell phone or attempt to read a 5:00 a.m text without the jump start of a strong, hot cup of coffee.

The day was one crisis after another. In the eyes of almost everyone, I was on their "personal bark list." From prosecutors to law enforcement and all those in between by 9:00 a.m. I wanted to call it a day, go back to bed until the following morning and start fresh with a clean slate. But I could not. It was also radio day at the Zeus studio's and I had my Thursday two hour show to do. I sucked it up the best I could putting a smile on my face and forged ahead. The day did not get better.

Exhausted and feeling a self defeating pity party coming on with me, myself and I, clouding over on the day seemed all but lost. After checking my emails I headed over to face book. A woman by the name of Robin Smith left me this comment " I just wanted to say that this picture of you is beautiful. I hope you are having an awesome week." How thoughtful of her, I said to myself.

Then towards the bottom of her face book page is this:

"As some of you know, I have had 7 cancer surgeries, but God has been right with me. On 5/16/11 my doctor did a physical and found a tiny spot. I refused the biopsy until I have completed the Trail of Hopes for St Jude. I do not have time to be down for any length of time. So please join our event and prayers are always welcome."

This remarkable woman is also the author of

and she is a songwriter, a good one I might add, I encourage you to take a listen: http://www.reverbnation.com/songwriterrobingolliher

Robin also has a non-profit organization called "A Way Out 4 All [http://www.awayout4all.webs.com] an agency dedicated to those in abusive relationships. I suggest we all become prayer warriors for this amazing woman.

My prayer and wish is for our Father in Heaven to allow Robin to watch a thousand more sunrises.

Yours is the day and yours the night, you caused sun and light to exist, you fixed all the boundaries of the earth, you created summer and winter. Psalm 74:16-17

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs. http://pamelachapmanl.biz

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

“Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies”

By Donna Gore, M.A. 

There is no denying a survivor of crime’s pain no matter what form it takes, whether it is homicide, stalking, assault, domestic violence, a hate crime, home invasion, kidnapping etc., they all represent long lasting violations on the human condition.

However, as a homicide survivor, I cannot stand in judgment of those who have experienced any one of these types of crimes. For me to pre-suppose and say I have “walked in their shoes” would seem somewhat arrogant. Why....? ‘Because an apple is not identical to an orange….. My environment, education and life experience is unique unto me and therefore, I cannot say “I know what you are going through” in the true sense. But, we do have commonalities. This is what keeps me humble, for I really don’t have any idea what anyone is burdened with on a day to day basis, irrespective of crime.

It struck me when reading about someone else‘s victimization recently that I cannot embrace everyone’s pain all of the time. I am one of the most compassionate people on earth. BUT, it cannot be squandered. In the language of professional therapists, I believe they refer to “compassion fatigue,” a type of burnout, as a very real pitfall in certain professions.

I raise these issues as I want to discuss the difference between “Victim” versus “Survivor” and “Entitlement” versus “Reality.” I can personally affiliate with a number of oppressed minorities should I choose to, at any given time. These include –female, LGBT community member, physically challenged member, homicide survivor, lefty/left-handed, person surviving a ridiculous number of surgical procedures as a child…..

Given all of these minority based affiliations, I am well aware of the difference between victims versus survivor.

I caution all survivors of crime, that if we are not careful to protect our psyche, we can easily step over the line.

According to the 2010 Random House dictionary a “Victim” can be: 


1) A person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: (as in a victim of an automobile accident).

2) A person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: (as in a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion).

3) A person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed (as in war victims).

4) A living creature sacrificed in religious rites.

(You can judge for yourself whether these are illuminating examples of “victim hood.” DRG)

I can attest to the fact that we are sufferers of destruction and injury, deceived and cheated, at times by our own emotions and sacrificed at the expense of others’ actions.

“Survivor” definitions that apply can be:

1) A person or thing that survives.

2) A person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.

***The second definition, ladies and gentlemen, is what we strive for and the equivalent of the “Take Back the Night” rallies.

Entitlement Definition: To give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.

(Such a definition appears hollow and without substance or context. DRG).

Aren’t we entitled to our rights as crime victims? Aren’t we entitled to our anger and respect? Aren’t we entitled to revenge…. Or to have our loved one back again…or our body and mind restored to health …or to feel safe again? We are entitled, aren’t we?

Contrast Entitlement with Reality, or the knowledge that life, indeed is more often “not fair” despite our best efforts. Survivors of crime eventually come to know that they cannot resolve the “why me why us” and must move on to address the “what next” instead!

So, when crime happens to you, what is your alternative? You sit around the circle of the support group and listen, or cry, or contribute. Alternately, you can become an advocate/activist or you can become stuck in your anger until it destroys the fiber of your being. You may also continue to deny, place blame on everyone else for your prolonged dysfunction or escape to a fantasy world. All of these negative responses feel like lies, as they are not “who we used to be.”

**But the bigger lie is to not place blame squarely on the perpetrator(s) and at times, the vulnerability and/ or unwise decisions of those murdered. It’s a slippery slope when you allow your emotions to become an indictment of society as a whole. You have so many conflicting emotions that you lose perspective.

In my opinion, the difference between being a victim and a survivor is huge. The key to crossing over to survivor status is motivation. I can say with certainty that we all start out as a victim- a victim of the event itself a victim of circumstances that follow, a victim of “the system.” And then, slowly but surely, if we are fortunate enough to receive support and counseling designed specifically for this experience, we see that wallowing in our own victimization ends up being worse than death itself and a luxury we cannot afford.

Rather, some of us realize that to use our grief toward positive outcomes for others is in itself immensely therapeutic…. and the only conceivable path for “a new day.”

So I say, carry on as best you can, healing more with each day looking forward and taking control of your life in the smallest of ways. To do otherwise, is giving power to the perpetrator(s) and sinking your soul into the abyss.

Respectfully Submitted,
Donna R. Gore, M. A.
Homicide Survivor from Connecticut

History can only be written by the survivors….

By Donna R. Gore

As a homicide survivor, I am privileged to author this initial blog in furtherance of understanding, shared information and some degree of comfort for my fellow members of this fast growing “club.”

In 1981, my father was murdered at age 47 by a career criminal whose  many crime credentials included bank robbery, drug dealer and two time murderer.  Those are the credentials I know of… The details of the murder I will save for another chapter.

However, the incredulous nature of our ongoing victimization leads me to think of a number of “FIRSTS” (i.e. those circumstances that appear to have occurred only to our family at the time).  Such “firsts” are aberrations, a series of mistakes, oversights, slights, inefficiencies, acknowledgements and offerings from systems overburdened by humans who were just doing their job or not doing it at all.  Irrespective of the perpetrators actions, such occurrences add insult to injury and have the cumulative effect of an avalanche as time marches on trying desperately to catch up with justice.

I will state that these “FIRSTS” occurred over a six year period (without benefit of any particular order)

FIRST:

As my father did not return home one evening, after checking with friends, neighbors and hospitals, my mother opened the newspaper to learn of his possible demise versus being notified by the Hartford Police.  She exclaimed, “Oh my God, that’s him.  It has to be…..”   (Referring to an article of a missing man found in a green van).

We actually had to call the police ourselves and inquire if the person in the paper was indeed my father. (My mother reported that the detective supposedly covered his hand over the phone’s speaker and announced to others that, “She’s just identified him”)

I’ll never forget walking into the police department and seeing his coat paraded past us in a plastic bag.

Possible Explanation: It had been a bad month for my Dad.  He was stopped at a light that month and a person demanded his wallet.  He had not replaced his identification in his wallet yet.   

No Justification:  However, it was a matter of record that as an entrepreneur of several successful businesses in the past, he was a registered used car dealer well known to all with contact information readily available from other sources such as his license plate etc.

Why did this happen in this way?  Were the police too busy, lazy or incompetent?  No one knows…  We have never received a reasonable explanation for such an injustice so early on in the process.

Another FIRST

When my father was killed, there was no specific provision or protection of your employment for crime victim’s participation in a murder trial.  At the time, I was working as a clinical speech-language pathologist in a Rehabilitation hospital.  When I asked for time off to attend the trial, six years later in 1987, hospital Administration was supportive but stated,

 “The only time off we have to cover such absences is a maternity leave.”

Solution:  As trial proceedings typically did not start until 10 a.m, I was permitted to write patient notes while waiting for the trial to begin and report to work during any recesses during the three week trial. 

Thank God times and rights have changed!

Connecticut is one of the first states in the U.S. to provide employment protection for crime victims.  Under C.G.S. §54-85b an employer cannot fire, harass or otherwise retaliate against an employee subpoenaed as witness in criminal case or against the crime victim for:

      (1) attending court proceedings related to the criminal case; or

      (2) being the beneficiary of a restraining order or protective order.  

With respect to a protective order issued outside of the state of Connecticut, to receive protection from employer retaliation the order must be registered in Connecticut.

An employer can be found guilty of criminal contempt and fined or imprisoned for violating this law.  Further, a crime victim (or witness) can bring a civil lawsuit against the employer for damages resulting from the violation and for a court order reinstating the victim (or witness) or otherwise rescinding the employer’s unlawful action.

(1981, P.A. 81-186; 2002, P.A. 02-136, § 1, eff. Oct. 1, 2002.)

Another FIRST

When the homicide occurred in April 1981, the perpetrator was wanted for criminal drug charges in the state of New Jersey and by law had to serve out that sentence prior to conviction of the Capitol murder of my father.

The perpetrator of my father’s murder actually committed murder again one month later when his accomplice in a bank robbery could be identified when his mask was removed. 

This double murderer filed for a speedy trial to be extradited back to Connecticut, saying his rights were violated!  Luckily the wise judge in his discretion was not persuaded of this Sixth Amendment right.

The perpetrator, whose name is a type of fish (How appropriate) in the end, was convicted of 50 years to life for felony murder and concurrently, 25 years to life for accessory to murder for the second killing “of his friend/accomplice.”
As luck would have it, the harsher, more absolute determinate sentences were not imposed in Connecticut until July of 1981 (just three months short) of determinant sentencing.
The Difference in Connecticut:

Indeterminate Sentencing in effect until 1981. Imposed minimum and maximum terms and parole board had authority to release offender from prison after completing the minimum term less any "good time" credits earned.

Determinate Sentencing, enacted in 1981, imposes fixed prison term and reduced "good time". Discretionary release authority shifted from parole board to Department of Correction.
And so, we were caught in the morass of the change of laws in 1981.  ‘ Long story short, “the fish” in jail for those in six years until extradited to Connecticut to stand trial for two murders.  We were re-victimized.  He will technically be eligible for parole in 2013
Another FIRST
 As we all know, during a trial, the victim’s life is put on trial, is open for judgment, character assassination and spectacle.  Anything goes if it will help make the defendant look better.  During the defendant’s time, the relatively new (2^nd chair) public defender looked for real and imaginary skeletons in my father’s closet without consideration of our feelings.  This is how it’s done. (My father was not perfect, but his sins did not rise to the level of a death sentence….)
After sitting through this three week trial, listening to the good, the bad and the ugly, this lanky ands seemingly arrogant and insensitive public defender approached me personally and stated, “I’m sorry I have to do this.”  I was told by court personnel that such an exchange had never occurred before to their knowledge.  It wasn’t much of an offering, but it was an attempt given horrendous circumstances,

 Twenty five years later, this same PD is a specialist in criminal and civil law.  Funny how he “cut his teeth” on the trial that was so very important to us…
Another FIRST
Imagine your first exposure to criminal proceedings.  You are used to seeing one jury and one crime presented at a time.  However, this was not the case.  Suddenly I noted that there was testimony regarding the killing of my father followed by testimony of the second crime simultaneously with one jury!   What is this, I thought?  Are they trying to save taxpayers money by doubling up on trials?  I don’t get it….   My Dad deserved center stage!
We had heard that our prosecutor, Atty. A. was very tired after just finishing a long and arduous trial of a well known cardiologist who killed his wife by staging it to look like a car accident.  Did this have something to do with the two trials-one jury scenario?
Later I was to learn that this was a intelligent but lesser used legal concept known as” joinder.”
“Joinder in criminal law is a legal term which refers to the inclusion of additional counts or additional defendants on an indictment. In English law, charges for any offense may be joined in the same indictment if those charges are founded on the same facts, or form or are a part of a series of offences of the same or a similar nature. A number of defendants may be joined in the same indictment even if no single count applies to all of them, provided that the counts are sufficiently linked. The judge retains the option to order separate trials.”
In practical terms, this means that when a person is on trial for criminal charges in more than one murder, as was the case here, this legal option may be used.  In our case, the evidence was strong with my Dad’s murder while the evidence with “the same cast of characters”in the second case  was weaker.  By using joinder, convictions can be facilitated by the stronger case carrying the weaker case. From written information on our case it appeared that the jury was able to differentiate the evidence and come to the conclusion that “the fish” most likely committed the second murder as portrayed. 

Unintended Benefits

Several years ago, I was doing research at the law library for an Advanced Victimology Course and actually located my father’s case in a Connecticut  law journal.  How cool is that???  Although I would much rather have him with us today versus having his case appear in publication, it may in fact, serve to help others. 

Another female well known public defender in our case (the “1^st chair”) was kind enough to send me information for my paper when I requested it…. all these years later.  To have communication with “their side” was an eerie feeling.  Maybe, just maybe it was a small gesture of delayed justice.

Another FIRST

Within the first 48 Hours, there is always a whirlwind of activity when you are dealing with serious crime.  Family members are at there most vulnerable.  So, imagine, if you will, our family gathered around the television hearing reports about your very own father.  But, instead of stating his name, the local anchor man (not a hair out of place) reputation, suddenly stated his name as “Daniel” when his name was “Donald.”  We were horrified that such simple fact checking was not performed and another indignity was visited upon us.

 

Reality Check…. Nowadays, the media is a very different animal ,where almost anything goes in the most exploitative manner.  Such a seemingly small detail is enough to send you over the edge when your entire world is collapsing…  Daniel, Donald, it still matters to me.  It was my father.

Final FIRST

If you will, picture us in a packed courtroom, “word weary” after listening to nearly three weeks of testimony.  At the end of the day, the public defender (“2^nd chair”) imposes upon the court an unusual request.  It seems that the perpetrator is inconvenienced each day with the proceedings in that, by the time he returns to his cell, his dinner is cold.  So, would the court consider ordering that the defendant receive hot food, please????

I do not have to tell you his response…. Enough said!

Respectfully Submitted by:

Donna R. Gore, M. A.

Homicide Survivor in Connecticut

Ladyjustice16738@sbcglobal.net

Hey Listen Up: They Are Standing Right Beside You!

By Jillian Maas-Backman

Hopefully the title of this post has captured your attention. In case you are wondering to whom I am referring that is standing beside you, it is meant for those loved ones who have gone before us without answers. No one ever talks about the loved one who showed up in their dreams or provided clues in a hologram form as to a tragic death where the person responsible has yet to be arrested or the case to their murder remains unresolved. We hear an intuitive like John Edwards on a television program see his books and often wonder are they for real? Do people really see or speak to their loved ones after they have died? What really happens to a person after passing over to into God’s Kingdom?

Tonight I hope you will join me on Blog Talk radio as we discuss and hopefully provide answers to questions we all have regarding a friend or relative who has died and yet are afraid to ask or talk about this with anyone.
Many crime survivors visit this the Time’s Up blog looking for answers and information. We thought we would bring you a “Time’s Up Special” show using interactive radio technology hosted by Susan Murphy Milano and Jillian Maas-Backman, airing at 8:00 PM CST and 9:00 PM EST the link to participate or listen to the show is: www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphymilano



As the host of a weekly radio program on Lake 96.1 I utilize the power of both radio and the internet to cultivate awareness and encourage listeners to assimilate authentic life skills. I label this kind of radio programming as “interactive radio.” After each series is complete, I always post corresponding e-lesson on my website to download, comprised of exercises you can complete on your own to implement changes in your life’s landscape.



You are perfectly safe doing the following exercises on your own at your leisure. There is no reason to fear this kind of awakening you are experiencing. With practice and re-occurring visits, the fear will dissipate, and you will begin to cherish the connections.
Do not get caught up with what I label the “Hollywood” effect associated with this kind of work. It is not necessarily what is depicted in books or on television, and in most instances, quite the opposite, it's humble and unassuming visits. Remember, your loved ones are returning to assist you with whatever you need towards resolution. Whether that is to console or share intuitive insight. Never forget this is a gift to you from the other side. Respect the process.

Set Your Intentions before you continue down this path of cross- communication with anyone from the other side.
-Define your boundaries. There is absolutely no reasons to remote view the actually tragic details. Allow only what you can emotionally handle.
-Ask to be provided with the scenario leading up to the actual event, by-pass the committed act, and crucial facts immediately after the crisis.

Treat this kind of investigation you would any other modalities.
-Be very clear on what you want to know.
-Compile a mental list of unknown facts specific to your mystery case. List them with as much clarity as you can. This will eliminate background clutter that may come through and add potential confusion.

Compartmentalize your emotions, and pay attention
Many of you seek this kind of work as last resort. You have reached a point in the mystery that you are desperate for answers and will attempt almost anything for closure. This kind of work is not the end all, simply another avenue to finding truth and justice.
-There is no sense of urgency. Patience and practice is the tool needed for this kind of intervention. Your loved ones have come back into your life with purpose. Many survivors panic, push forward and miss crucial insights specific to their case.
-If you have been visited once, you can rest assured they will arrive again. No rushing allowed.
-You cannot force this kind of work, it will evolve as it can, piece at a time.
-Recall in your mind the first time you had the encounter, to your best ability, replicate the environment. Did they come to you in dreams, meditative encounters, driving your car or in the bathtub all alone in a peaceful surrounding?
-Trying too hard will only lead to frustration and no results. Let them come to you. They know best when you are ready and able to listen and learn.

Engage all the five senses!
-We use all of our natural senses in everything we do, as does the other side.
-Exploit this knowledge and train your mind to be a watchful observer.
Examples: Names of people, distinguishing human markings such as tattoos, clothing, perfume or cologne scents coming through, are you hearing certain words from the other side, conversations, music of any kind.

Any extra ordinary clues that could be classified as “unusual” in the surroundings.
-Journal everything! The other side works in small increments, not all at once. We can only take in so much at a time. It is your responsibility to report all gathered information.
Report your results
-Cronicle your findings as best you can and present these insights to whomever you feel can utilize this information to its fullest extent.
-Do not let embarrassment deter you from following through. Many professional view this type of investigative reporting as a valuable tool towards closure.
-Do not discount your finding because others cannot fully understand. The ultimate goal here is to find justice in whatever way possible.
-The emotional, mental, and spiritual pain that comes with unsolved cases grossly outweighs the stigma some associate with this kind of non-conventional technique.
-After you find that you have been successful utilizing this kind of intuitive investigative reporting, please refrain from saying to others: I told you so. Ego is an ugly thing.

Lastly, live in celebration.
You have been granted the highest form of grace from your deceased loved ones. Live in that love and be thankful for your courageous blessings.

In loving gratitude, Jillian Maas Backman, Intuitive Life Coach, Author, Award- winning Radio Personality.

"The Elephant in the Room"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

Society provides wellness and support for those whom are survivors of various types of illiness, but what about crime survivors? Everyday, people are impacted by violent crimes such as rape, robbery, felony assault, hate crimes, domestic violence and child abuse. For victims of crimes they require healing that goes deeper than simply bringing the person responsible to justice. Crime survivors often find themselves grappling with difficult questions: How am I suppose to move on with my life? What will happen next? Will I ever feel safe again? Where can I get information? What are my rights? Who will simply listen to me and respect my feelings and decisions? Why is surviving a violent crime always the silent "elephant" in a room?

HOW TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR OF CRIME

Ask them to talk about what happend to them. Listen and support what they are sharing with you. Do not offer opinions, judgements or advice about what you hear and read about in other cases or the news. Encourage the person to describe what they: Saw . . Heard . . . Thought . . . Smelled . . . Felt . . .

It is important to tell them they are valued and your caring for them has not changed. Tell them how much you appreciate them as a person and in your life.

Simply listen: Listen to his or her emotions as well as the story.

Understand that people communicate in other ways than with their words. Try to understand and take cues from your loved one's expressions and body language. Maybe they are nervous and figiting with their hands embarrassed by the crime. or afraid you will judge them merely because they are disclosing something they feel is embarassing. Take your hands and hold theirs as they speak to you.

Encourage them to set priorities and problem-solve with input from family and close friends.
Allow time to heal. Don’t tell them to "get over it." Remember that every day they may be re-experiencing the event through dreams, memories, emotions or injuries that take time to heal.

No one expects a broken bone to heal over night, but often people expect loved ones to "get over" trauma after a day or two.

Think of healing as a group issue, not an individual one. As a caring person, you are impacted too. Take time for yourself, be gentle with yourself and with others.

Facilitate support from your church, family members and friends.

Laughter as Ward Foley author of "Thank My Lucky Scars" and Why God Did Not Make Me a Woman Because I have Enough Problems" will tell you humor is the best medicine. Use humor (preferably not about the event.) Try to lighten up if you can. And whatever you do if you cannot say something nice then zipper up your lip and keep it to yourself.

Give hugs daily.

After some time has passed, review what has happened. Concentrate on how each person has changed or grown.

Crime Survivors often lack an appetite. And they will not eat, especially if they are isolated or left alone for long periods of time. Make their favorite meal and eat with them.

Surviving a violent crime takes courage and inner strength.

Plan outside activities, even if it is a walk around the block. Fresh air and excercise are very important.

Look on the Internet and research support groups of crime or assualt. Talk to the person about joining a group or ongoing discussion.

Plants and flowers in a home of a crime victim survivor are also very important. Perhaps create a project and plant blubs and flowers in their yard. Create a garden of items that they might enjoy that you could create on a window sill. It does not always have to be in a yard. Consider asking the church for volunteers to help with things from their garden that a person might enjoy.

Crime Victims deal with the aftermath three hundred and sixty-five days a year, seven days a week. Providing friendship and hope for just one day is a day less of painful thought and memory in the mind of a crime victim survivor.