"The Elephant in the Room"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

Society provides wellness and support for those whom are survivors of various types of illiness, but what about crime survivors? Everyday, people are impacted by violent crimes such as rape, robbery, felony assault, hate crimes, domestic violence and child abuse. For victims of crimes they require healing that goes deeper than simply bringing the person responsible to justice. Crime survivors often find themselves grappling with difficult questions: How am I suppose to move on with my life? What will happen next? Will I ever feel safe again? Where can I get information? What are my rights? Who will simply listen to me and respect my feelings and decisions? Why is surviving a violent crime always the silent "elephant" in a room?

HOW TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR OF CRIME

Ask them to talk about what happend to them. Listen and support what they are sharing with you. Do not offer opinions, judgements or advice about what you hear and read about in other cases or the news. Encourage the person to describe what they: Saw . . Heard . . . Thought . . . Smelled . . . Felt . . .

It is important to tell them they are valued and your caring for them has not changed. Tell them how much you appreciate them as a person and in your life.

Simply listen: Listen to his or her emotions as well as the story.

Understand that people communicate in other ways than with their words. Try to understand and take cues from your loved one's expressions and body language. Maybe they are nervous and figiting with their hands embarrassed by the crime. or afraid you will judge them merely because they are disclosing something they feel is embarassing. Take your hands and hold theirs as they speak to you.

Encourage them to set priorities and problem-solve with input from family and close friends.
Allow time to heal. Don’t tell them to "get over it." Remember that every day they may be re-experiencing the event through dreams, memories, emotions or injuries that take time to heal.

No one expects a broken bone to heal over night, but often people expect loved ones to "get over" trauma after a day or two.

Think of healing as a group issue, not an individual one. As a caring person, you are impacted too. Take time for yourself, be gentle with yourself and with others.

Facilitate support from your church, family members and friends.

Laughter as Ward Foley author of "Thank My Lucky Scars" and Why God Did Not Make Me a Woman Because I have Enough Problems" will tell you humor is the best medicine. Use humor (preferably not about the event.) Try to lighten up if you can. And whatever you do if you cannot say something nice then zipper up your lip and keep it to yourself.

Give hugs daily.

After some time has passed, review what has happened. Concentrate on how each person has changed or grown.

Crime Survivors often lack an appetite. And they will not eat, especially if they are isolated or left alone for long periods of time. Make their favorite meal and eat with them.

Surviving a violent crime takes courage and inner strength.

Plan outside activities, even if it is a walk around the block. Fresh air and excercise are very important.

Look on the Internet and research support groups of crime or assualt. Talk to the person about joining a group or ongoing discussion.

Plants and flowers in a home of a crime victim survivor are also very important. Perhaps create a project and plant blubs and flowers in their yard. Create a garden of items that they might enjoy that you could create on a window sill. It does not always have to be in a yard. Consider asking the church for volunteers to help with things from their garden that a person might enjoy.

Crime Victims deal with the aftermath three hundred and sixty-five days a year, seven days a week. Providing friendship and hope for just one day is a day less of painful thought and memory in the mind of a crime victim survivor.

Families of Missing Persons Need Your Help Now

TO IMPLEMENT H.R. 3695, THE HELP FIND THE MISSING ACT INTO BILLY'S LAW, Simply Cut/Paste the Following Letter and send out to your Federal Congressperson:
"10 Seconds" to accomplish Steps:
Simply remove the X's and replace with your information.
Next click on Write Your Representative
(This service will assist you by identifying your Congressperson in the U.S. House of Representatives and providing contact information.)

October XX, 2009



TO: Congressmen XXXX

FROM: Name – Address – City/St/zip

RE: H.R. 3695, The Help Find the Missing Act (Billy's Law)


Dear Congressmen XXXXX:

Thank you, in advance for reviewing my letter and the information below. As a Representative of our district, I am hoping that you will support H.R. 3695. This is very important to me and as a member of our community I believe this is important to all, and hopefully to you as well.


It is no longer a rare occasion in which one may become a missing statistic, rather it happens more often than we would like. The growing number of citizens with Alzheimer's and other cognitive disabilities also has shown a tremendous increase in missing loved ones, which also includes those with other cognitive disorders such as autism.


Your support, and those of your colleagues, are desperately needed. We feel if we do not gain support the bill will just die off. This bill is very necessary. We only want to have the gaps closed that will enable families of missing to have one source to be able to search for their loved ones.


Some recent published examples are:


* 200 unidentified bodies,in Florida, right now from 60's and 70's lying in wait in county morgues, unidentified. http://micurl.com/lyewu


* In Los Angeles, there are 4815 unclaimed. http://coroner.co.la.ca.us/htm/ucplist.cfm


Every year tens of thousands of Americans go missing, never to be seen by their loved ones again. Additionally, there are also an estimated 40,000 sets of unidentified human remains that are being held or disposed of across the country. Sadly, because of gaps in the nation’s missing persons systems, missing persons and unidentified remains are rarely matched. The Help Find the Missing Act (Billy’s Law) is an effort to fix these gaps. We want to help families to have the resources so that we can lessen the burden on the system as well as bringing loved ones home for a proper burial.

Please review the below and help by supporting H.R. 3695

Filling in the Gaps of the Nation’s Missing Persons Systems

Endorsed By: Connecticut Department of Public Safety, National Forensic Science Technology Center, National Center for Forensic Science, Doe Missing Persons Network, Center for Hope, Families of Homicide Victims and Missing Persons, Inc.

Sponsored by Representatives Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Ted Poe (R-TX)

This legislation is named after Billy Smolinski of Waterbury, Connecticut who went missing on August 24, 2004 at the age of 31. Billy’s family knows all-too-well the systemic challenges in trying to find the missing. They quickly learned that while federal law mandates law enforcement report missing children, there are no such requirements for adults – or unidentified bodies. Compounding this problem is the fact that local law enforcement agencies, medical examiners, and coroners, often don’t have the resources or training to voluntarily report these cases. Finally, even when missing adults and remains are reported, the wide-range of unconnected federal, state, local, and non-profit databases to help match the missing with unidentified bodies, makes finding a match an often insurmountable challenge.

Billy’s Law builds upon recent efforts to address these issues by:


* Authorizing, and therefore helping to ensure funding for, the National Missing Persons and Unidentified Persons System (NamUs), which was created in July 2007 by the Department of Justice (DOJ) to provide a missing persons/unidentified database that the public could access and contribute;


* Connecting NamUs with the FBI’s National Crime Information Center (NCIC) in order to create more comprehensive missing persons and unidentified remains databases and streamlining the reporting process for local law enforcement;


* Creating an incentive grants program to help states, local law enforcement and medical examiners/coroners report missing persons and unidentified remains to NCIC, NamUs, and the National DNA Index System (NDIS);


* Calling on the DOJ to issue guidelines and best practices on handling missing persons and unidentified remains cases in order to empower law enforcement, medical examiners and coroners to help find the missing.

In closing, I thank you again for your review and hopeful support. Should you have any questions or needs, I am sure that Representative Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Ted Poe (R-TX) would be honored to respond to your inquiries.


Respectfully,


XXName

XXAddress

XXCity/State/Zip

XXPhone Number

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