Forgiving the Offender: Ready or Not?

By Randy McCall

Recently, I was contacted by a victim of crime who had some serious questions on the topic of forgiveness. They wanted to know why so many people and groups they associated with kept demanding to know if they had forgiven the offender yet... and if not, why hadn't they?

The victim wanted to know why it was so important to other people? After all, the victim was the one who had survived the offense, not these other people, many of whom were only vague acquaintances. Why were people continually questioning them on the issue?

The question made me sit down and do some serious thinking before responding to their question.

I've worked with a lot of crime victims over the years. I've seen many who came to forgive their offender, and others who never did. Some of those who chose to forgive describe the final act as one of release, of giving up a burden; some referred to it in religious terms, taken from their particular holy books.

In some cases, the person in question wanted to share their new-found sense of peace and wholeness through forgiveness with other victims. They did this by either becoming active in victim support groups, or by joining one of the many restorative justice organizations which exist to help victims.

Social scientists and psychological researchers who've explored the act of forgiveness by crime victims have found at least some evidence that those who reach the point of forgiveness experience less long-term psychological trauma, less physical illness, and may have a faster recovery period to the re-establishment of a normal life. You may find some interesting reading in the American Psychological Association's publication: Forgiveness - A Sampling of Research Results

Note I mentioned "the point of forgiveness"? Reaching a point where a person can forgive is a process, much like the grief process. Each individual is different, and each will react to the trauma of victimization in a different way. The time it will take a person to reach the stage in their emotional journey where they can choose to work towards forgiving will vary greatly.

I've heard the process likened to act of a high-diver; they have to climb to the point where they can take the plunge.

The victim must be ready to take the step... they cannot be coaxed, badgered or ordered into doing it before time; attempting to do so can easily result in a severe emotional backlash.

Unfortunately, our society tends to like simple, quick answers to problems. This is why I believe so many people asked the victim I mentioned in the first paragraph if they had forgiven the offender... because, to many people, it would mean the victim had recovered and was now "fixed".

Being presented with the evident benefits of the act of forgiveness -- social, psychological, and financial (a quicker return to a sense of normalcy means less use of victim support staff time and resources) -- there are some victim advocates who who simply add "forgive offender" to the list of things they recommend the victim do as part of the recovery process.

Now, let me be clear; I'm not saying a large percentage of service groups do this... but over the years, I've heard from a goodly number of crime victims who reported they were told they should/had to forgive the offender as part of their healing process.

A much larger number said that forgiveness was first offered as just a distant possibility, but after time they felt pressured to accept it, as they were repeatedly asked whether they had forgiven the offender yet. Some of these victims -- who were no where near forgiving their offender -- told their advocates they had, simply because they needed the emotional approval and further support of the advocate in question.

Forgiveness should be an option, a door which victims can open and explore when they feel ready. It should never be pushed at victims as a panacea, or in such a way as to make victims feel as though they are disappointing those helping them if they can't accept the concept.

Some people will never reach the point of forgiveness, and it is not for us, as victim advocates, to say this is wrong. Some of the most effective victim rights activists -- and wonderful, kind individuals -- I know are crime survivors who channeled their grief and anger into action and advocacy.

We must remember that victims have already had control taken violently away from once. We should not add to that loss of control by demanding, or applying emotional pressure on them, to accept something they are not ready and willing to fully embrace.

The Many Faces of Courage

By Lavinia Masters

I have encountered so many individuals on this journey called life. Some have been loyal while others seem rather distant. I have met those that unite with me for the power of changing the world and then there are those that I have met that thought they should have the power to make a change in me. I have encountered many people and even have been told that I have touched many lives… all from different backgrounds, various lifestyles and numerous beliefs but the most intriguing people I have ever met are those that display the many faces of courage.

Recently a good friend and fellow survivor turned advocate faced her sexual assault assailant in court for the crime he committed against her. While the details and facts of her case and assault are irrelevant at this point know that the abuse that she endured was not only horrific and devastating but it also caused a major disappointment to her religious community for the accused was claiming to be a man of the cloth.

When I first met this young woman (whom we will call Janet to respect her privacy) and heard her appalling story… I was like “wow” this is one courageous woman! Then as I began to work alongside her in the fight to end sexual violence I discovered that this was definitely more than a courageous woman but an individual that displays the many faces of courage.

As I watched Janet gather the remains of her sanity and try to pick up after such a traumatic and horrendous experience that occurred in her life…I looked upon her face and knew that without a shadow of doubt that this lady had the courage to survive. Then to my amazement I watched Janet as she began to seek and continue to glorify God during her time of mental bereavement as she sought to be restored from her mental and emotional brokenness…it was here where she displayed her courage to heal. And despite all obstacles and major disappointments that not only her assailant but the church placed upon her she still presented her case before the courts as well as the church and with great strength displayed to all her courage to stand.

The next face that Janet made visible was a face that is not seen often… for many sexual abuse victims continue to allow the false shame and guilt that sexual trauma brings to cripple them and keep them from displaying their many faces of courage…however Janet decided that she would not only share her story with other survivors but with the entire world and as I stood in awe I applauded her in her openness and courage to speak. Profound and confident, Janet spoke with no hatred in her heart and knew that vengeance was not hers but as for her assailant she desired that he would only be helped and rehabilitated through the justice system and prayed that God would have mercy upon his soul and help him to turn from his wicked ways for preying on the weak and innocent while destroying their virtue… and it was in this instant that Janet showed me several more faces and they were the courage to love, the courage to forgive and the courage to fight!

To some courage is bravery or valor while the dictionary defines it as the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a course of action. Janet however defined courage in many aspects while showing its many faces. Courage is an unparalleled source of power that each survivor has within them and as they walk through the unknown they will discover that the only thing that they had to fear as a victim was fear itself. When a survivor decides that the “victim mentality” will no longer be apart of their way of living and thinking…it is here where they can shed their mask of being wounded so they too can display the many faces that courage has. I watched Janet display her courage to persevere and I knew that being a “perpetual victim” was not an option...I saw with my own eyes that the power that God gives us to heal lies within each of us and I know that as a survivor we all can display our many faces of courage too.

I decided to…will you?

DAMAGED GOODS

 By Lavinia Masters

Memories are permanent visions of our past experiences that lie dormant in our minds until they are retriggered by certain circumstances or surroundings as well as present happenings and or conversations that occur in our lives.  Once retriggered they begin to replay over and over again like a DVD stuck on repeat mode until we either decide to stop it or let it play on until it malfunctions or overheats and ultimately self destructs. 

We find that some of these memories brought us so much joy and pleasure that you are amazed at how you easily dismiss them until they are brought back up to your remembrance.  While, on the other hand, some memories are so painful and devastating that you can only pray that you had the power to erase all of them permanently.  Then, there are the memories that you are so detached from that when they are brought up again you will find yourself questioning your own sanity because your mind fails to put all the missing pieces together from certain occurrences and you find yourself digging and searching for more answers and clues to bring you some sort of resolution but still…nothing.  However, some have discovered later in life that during those “memory lapses” that nine times out of ten something so traumatic has occurred in your life that it eventually caused a drastic change in you.

Although doctors, therapists and scientists have their medical and scientific reasons as to why people suffer from “memory lapses” or suppression…I always like to say that it is God’s way of protecting you from certain elements of your past that you are not ready for or prepared to handle at the present time; and when He has physically, mentally and spiritually prepared you, then those things of your past will be brought back up in the present.  Recognizing that any damage can be permanent to an individual life, but only some of it is total loss, and can be repaired or restored.

So is the life of a survivor of sexual or relationship abuse/assault…the damage that has happened to that individual can never be reversed because it did indeed happen to them.  However, if the issues surrounding the trauma is never addressed or treated before that victims demise then it becomes a total loss because the victim never had the opportunity to live their life as a survivor…they never had the opportunity to know that there is life and healing after sexual and relationship trauma.  Unfortunately they continued to live their lives with a victim mentality and possibly even found solace in unhealthy and immoral lifestyles.

However, when a victim is given the opportunity of counseling, therapy and or support after such traumatic experiences, then not only has the victim be put on the road to recovery, but will also discover that their lives are in recovery and that they are on their way to restoration.  They have learned that the damage that has happened to them was only structural damage and has not destroyed their total being...it did not destroy who they are and as well as their self worth…that they are not a total loss.

So is the story of my sexual assault…many of you know that when I was 13 years old that I was brutally raped at the hands of a stranger and did not find total closure until about 4 years ago when DNA was able to identify my attacker.  Now those are some memories that I will never forget….the night that I was attacked and the day that I found out who my attacker was…both etched permanently in my mind, but, I made a conscience decision that I was going to “stop” reliving my assault day by day and “play” the good news of Sgt. Welsh telling me that they identified my attacker.  It was the day that my wings were fully released and I realized that I was in flight.

Yes, the damage that the rape caused that day was painful, annoying, crippling and, of course, traumatic, and is a part of my permanent being or memory bank and that is only because I will remember that incident for the rest of my life, and, unfortunately, it cannot be reversed. However, with the prayer and teachings of a loving grandmother and DNA technology, I stand and appear as a person that is whole and my outward appearance is normal.  Yes, the memories are traumatic because the experience was traumatic.  Had my grandmother not taught me about the healing power of a loving Savior and I not decided to seek healing for myself, then the final results could have been beyond repair or a total loss or even my demise.

Thankfully, I was given the opportunity of healing because I would rather have structural damage that may come with a few unpleasant permanent or foggy memories than to have suffered all that I went through and not discover the joys and pleasures that this life has to offer only to die in that misery and pain.  The pain that I endured was bittersweet because not only did it teach me that God knows all and sees all and those that thought they got away with those things that caused you to suffer will eventually be exposed and will pay for all their wrongdoings but it also taught me that I am not alone in this struggle and as I share of myself unselfishly…I help bear the burdens of other victims.

I said all of that to say this…that our past traumatic experiences can be teachers and healers.  They teach us to raise awareness in our situations so that we may not only help others but ourselves and they heal not only those that are inspired by our strengths and stories of triumphs but they further heal our souls us as well. 

Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma: What's Next?

 By Lisa Michels, Guest Writer

When trauma happens in childhood, be it molestation, witnessing a crime, or a severe injury, children appear to "bounce back."  However, nothing could be further from the truth.

Do you remember some of the kids you went to school with, such as the ones who your parents didn't want you to hang around with, the bad element?  At the time did you ever wonder why those particular kids seemed to act out in ways that weren't acceptable?  It probably never occurred to us that there could be something underlying that caused that particular behavior. Maybe we were even one of them. You know the ones that were termed "crazy" or maybe they were into alcohol, drugs or smoking marijuana or cigarettes behind buildings. 

There are red flags, or danger signs that children seem to exhibit when something in their lives is just not right.  Psychologists, scientists, and scholars have studied and reported on many of these signs of trouble for a number of years.  We've seen them written about in all the parenting magazines and books.  They are pretty easy to recognize and manifest themselves in a way that gives parents pause.

On the other hand, there are those who seem to internalize, get quiet, maybe even study too much and pour all of their energies into being a "geek or nerd."  They were shy, reserved and had trouble socializing and communicating with the "in" crowd.  They seemed to be sensitive, isolated, yet somehow you thought, if provoked, that one may snap.

We all look back and have memories of good and bad times in our growing up, but some of those memories are locked up, they can't be brought back easily.  It's the memory that shapes our being, the who that we are.  Traumatic experiences can affect us in several ways, some we may recall and even elaborate about, such as broken limbs or traffic accidents.  We tend to heal and then our stories about them grow with telling.

But some memories of trauma are so excruciating that it's too painful to recall them at will.  They are pushed far into the depths of our being and we grow up without them.  They stay put away, yet affect us in different ways, ways that we can't figure out.

There may come a day when something triggers that memory, whether it be a smell, an action, or even a phrase that we can't explain.  It may come back not as a full memory, but a feeling that something just isn't right, or an unexplainable fear or anxiety.  Our mind and body may react to this trigger in a way that we just can't figure out, we don't know why we feel this way, or when this all started, but it continues to affect our lives.  It may cause feelings of inadequacy, loss of power over our thoughts, lead us to drinking or drugs, but it's somehow taken over our life.

How do we recover that memory, the one that was locked away, the one that was so awful that to recall it would be deadly?  There aren't many 12 step programs that allow this long and painful process heal the wounds that cut so deep into our psyche.  Studies and controversial therapies say that repressed memories aren't really repressed, and that most children have the ability to recall the trauma, yet don't understand the implications of it.

There are no easy explanations, nor are there any easy ways to heal from a childhood trauma.

There are millions of adults paying therapists thousands of dollars to find out why they react to situations the way they do.  We have a need to know why and feel unsettled until the mystery is unraveled and dealt with in a positive way.  We feel the need to heal, yet in some cases, we don't know what it is from which we need healing. 

Recovering the repressed memory is a process that you would think brings resolution.  Finally, we understand the unknown.  Our fears and anxiety are given a name. Yet this is the beginning of feeling the knife piercing the skin. We go from burying the pain so deep that we block all ability to feel, whether it be good or bad, to allowing ourselves to finally feel the reality of the pain that has pierced our bodies so long ago. Can we finally make peace within ourselves? The answer is yes, over time and through intense work.