Fuel-Passenger-Flight-Hijack: Intimate Partner Violence

by Susan Murphy-Milano

Angie never thought when she married her husband in 1988 that she would be "one of those women." Stuck in a relationship with a controlling and violent man. She met her husband in her last year of college. He came from a stable family environment and by all appearances acted normal. While they dated he was very attentive to her. Angie graduated magna cum laude with a masters degree in nursing. They dated for about a year before deciding to marry. The couple settled down in Florida. He had a contacting business and Angie worked at a nearby hospital.

Six months or so into the marriage Angie's husband began with verbal assaults. Angie says "he didn't like me to work extra shifts, you know he always wanted to know where I was at all times. When I didn't come home straight after my shift he would accuse me of fooling around with an intern or doctor on staff. It seemed there was nothing I could do to please him. And yet I was not doing anything wrong. Most nights he found fault over everything from the how I wore my hair to the way I cleaned the bathroom. One night I got called into work a shift. We only had one bathroom and I needed to jump in the shower. On purpose my husband tripped me in the hallway. I should have left then and never returned. But I learned the day before I was pregnant."

Angie said she loved him and believed he was under pressure to make a go of the contracting business. She excused his behavior. Angie wanted to believe his outbursts were only temporary. When Angie announced they were going to have a baby her husband was happy and their relationship improved. Once their daughter was born "he changed all the attention was on the baby, not on him." The fights became physical. Angie stayed because she was too embarrassed to seek help or tell anyone she was a victim of abuse. "My God, I am an educated woman, how could this have happened to me? Where was I going with an infant?"

Angie gave birth to another daughter two years later. She worked part-time at the hospital and on weekends when a shift was available. Trying to see the good in her husband Angie continued to convince herself the rare moments of good were enough to outweigh the bad. Over the years the bad consisted of broken jaws, wrists and ribs. "He would always apologize, nurse me back on my feet and repeat the abuse once I was my old self."

When her oldest entered high school she made an appointment to see an attorney. Angie had money hidden away and could get a job anywhere in the country. Her husband found out and informed Angie "if she went through with a divorce" it would be her death. In no uncertain terms Angie's life had been permanently hijacked.

In 2009, with both her children grown and living their lives, Angie began making arrangements to end the marriage. But she had to do it very carefully. If he got wind of her plans, Angie felt certain she would be dead. Angie was in crisis and required a road-map with directions.

Angie reached out to me and we formulated a plan of action. She started taking items from the home that would not be missed. Angie secured a post office box and a cell phone from Walmart that could not be tracked.

She was very careful not to tell anyone. Following the information in both the Moving Out Moving On book and the Time's Up guide, Angie at her own pace moved forward.

This past Thursday, Angie prepared a letter to her husband, informing him she had left. This is important as he would have reported her missing. Her attorney advised against it, I argued it was necessary to do for many reasons. With everything she needed already in another state in her new home, Angie placed the letter on the counter and headed out to the driveway where her girlfriend was waiting to take her to the airport.

Saturday Angie spent the first night of what will be many in her new home. Sunday morning she called to report how good she felt. "My life, I have control of my life."

A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy or fear. A good relationship is one where both partners are treated with mutual respect and love.

Angie's life was hijacked by an abusive relationship. She embarked on a journey in 1988 with the goal of living happily ever after. Instead, Angie became a passenger on a flight of never ending violence and abuse. Once she took the steps to take back her life and implement a plan of action that fit her needs, Angie was no longer a passenger, but a survivor. In the middle of her life she changed flight plans, charting her own course to a life without the fear of violence.

If you are in a relationship that has a history of violence, simply mustering up the courage to confront the person and say it is over, without the proper tools, can cost you, your life!

One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is fear. They are afraid of what will happen to them and their children if they leave. Sadly, their fears are often justified; statistics show that a woman is at the greatest risk for injury when she announces her plans or leaves an abusiverelationship. The book "Time's Up A Guide on How To Survive and Abusive and Stalking Relationship"is the prescription, if you will, that every person must obtain before they announce they are leaving. Below is an example from Chapter 4, one of many unique tools provided in the book. It is available on Amazon.com, or you can purchase via e-book or on a cd. If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

Before you decide that you have had enough and are ending the relationship, create for yourself the "Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video (shown below).

If you do nothing else, please take one important step that if something does happen to you, if you do vanish like Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Rachel Anderson, Susan Powell, Lisa Stebic, or arefoundmurdered like Monica Beresford-Redmond, Franki Jacobson, Renee Pagel, Summer Inman,Kelly Rothwell and others where the person responsible has gotten away with murder that your voice and record of the abuse will be captured and recorded. Do it for you friends, family and loved ones. Do it for your children. Do it for you!

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up"from Courage Networkon Vimeo.

If you have questions, the email address is: timesupforjustice@gmail.com

This book doesn't merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues...she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don't need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME'S UP can save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

Giving Justice A Voice: Intimate Partner Violence Crimes

By Susan Murphy Milano

This past weekend friends, colleagues and the community gathered for a memorial walk honoring Kathryn Jackson age 45, the director of human resources at Hubbard House which provides services for victims of domestic violence. Kathryn was the victim of a murder-suicide at the hands of her boyfriend, George Chaney. On December 22, 2010, she was shot and killed by her violent and abusive former boyfriend who then took his own life.

It is a wonderful tribute to honor a woman who worked within an organization that makes a difference in the lives of so many. But, that is not the direction I am headed with this article.

In 2009, prior to Kathryn's murder, Hubbard House along with law enforcement, implemented a new weapon to use when they respond to domestic violence calls: a questionnaire designed to predict whether a victim could eventually be killed by an abuser. It was an important tool towards identifying the risks for victims of intimate partner homicide and stalking. I have always said when you do what you have always done, expect the result to be the same. Hubbard House got my attention, they implemented a strategy that was outside of the box. The outcome for those who now sought their direction and assistance would have an opportunity to a better plan for a successful outcome.

Today marks another milestone for a successful outcome from outside of the box. 

It was one year ago today, marking my own mother's birthday, that we released and launched "Time's Up. My mother's life, cut short at the age of 47, as the wife of violent and abusive law enforcement officer, would eventually be the key that opened doors for those affected by violence to leave safely. Because of her, and my work over the past 20 years, the book "Times' Up: A Guide in How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships" takes those from the "State of being controlled" to the "State of being in control." This means from the moment a person decides to end their relationship, or file for a divorce from a toxic and perhaps dangerous individual, they will be learning the steps necessary to protect themselves, which is the key. That key to the door opened up to the world when an amazing woman lost her life.

Soon, organizations and law enforcement across the county will be replacing the questionnaire with the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and video or the "EAA." Through two major Universities, to be announced in the coming weeks, will be placing this affidavit and video in the hands of domestic violence agencies and first responders across the county as part of a new feasibility, measures and outcome study as it relates to saving lives.

This groundbreaking book is a landscape of specific steps towards safety and addresses critical issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide is a life raft providing structure in the midst of chaos and it has kept many victims of intimate partner violence, to date, alive.

Among the tools and forms, is the procedure of an “Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is reported missing. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave, but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video has the additional psychological benefit of being forced to face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit: A Victim’s Voice(c)
Domestic violence or intimate partner victims now are able to provide information, in their own words, about the fears, dangers, experiences they have had at the hands of their abuser. The" Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" or "EAA" records victim's stories, histories, and experiences which are preserved and stored on their behalf. These videos will provide answers to the many questions, allegations, and fears that arise when a person has disappeared, gone missing, or been found dead. 

Recent cases, such as missing mother Susan Powell of Utah, Kelly Rothwell of Florida, and women like Stacy Peterson, where the victim’s police officer husband is the person of interest, is the classic example of the benefits of this type of evidence. If Stacy Peterson, or any woman found murdered or is missing, had done an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, ON TAPE, from following the information in the “Time’s Up" book on a flash drive, they would be able to describe:

- threats made against her life or wellbeing, including details of how the perpetrator would carry out the threat
- incidents of past abuse that the victim has endured
- admissions or comments made to her about other victims or people abused
- where evidence or weapons would or could be located
- possible alibis that the perpetrator would make up in his defense (including identification of people who could be co-defendant’s or co-suspects)
- portray visible injuries or marks

Next year when Hubbard House holds their annual walk for lives lost in the war on intimate partner homicide, they too, have a new tool for which to celebrate and save lives. "Time's Up!"


Happy Birthday, Mom!






Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs. http://pamelachapmanl.biz

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

Real Weapons of Mass Destruction

By Lavinia Masters

As a young girl in school I was always taught that a weapon of mass destruction is a weapon that can kill and bring significant harm to a large number of humans (and other life forms) and/or cause great damage to man-made structures (e.g. buildings), natural structures (e.g. mountains), or the biosphere in general. In other words this weapon has the capacity to inflict death and destruction indiscriminately and on a massive scale. However the scope and application of the term has evolved and been disputed, often signifying more politically than technically.

Today I challenge what politics and society consider weapons of mass destruction because in this life I have come to discover a mass of weapons and evil devices that not only destroy the human being but these weapons destroy the human spirit. The weapons that I speak of all leave a devastating and long lasting negative effect on the victims yet they are weapons that seem to not be prioritized by politicians and society today when it comes to seeking and destroying them.

The weapons that I speak of also carry the capacity to inflict death and destruction indiscriminately and on a massive scale and they are sexual abuse/assault, domestic violence, stalking, human trafficking and missing and exploited children. These indeed are all the real weapons of mass destruction. These are heinous and horrendous crimes that happen to the young and old, rich or poor, black or white, male or female. These weapons not only destroy the individual lives and their way of living but they also destroy their families, friends, loved ones and their communities.

Did you know that the impact of sexual abuse on children can be devastating and long-lasting because children are generally victimized by someone they should be able to trust and depend on, they may not realize that the abuse is wrong and not their fault? Even after much time has passed, the effects of sexual abuse are powerful and it has been found that the long-term effects of maltreatment to include poor self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, anxiety, feelings of isolation and stigma, depression, self-destructive tendencies, sexual maladjustment, and substance abuse. In addition to these effects, a survivor of sexual abuse/ assault may develop Rape-related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD) and have possible physiological effects such as hyper vigilance (always being "on your guard"), insomnia, exaggerated startle response (jumpiness) ,panic attacks ,eating problems/disorders, self-mutilation (cutting, burning or otherwise hurting oneself),Sexual dysfunction (not being able to perform sexual acts) and hyper arousal (exaggerated feelings/responses to stimuli).

Then there is domestic violence which is the single major cause of injury to women, more significant than auto accidents, rapes, or muggings. In fact, the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted by batterers may be more costly to treat in the short-run than physical injury. Many of the physical injuries sustained by women seem to cause medical difficulties as women grow older and to add insult to injury battered women lose their jobs because of absenteeism due to illness as a result of the violence. Although the long term effects of domestic violence have not begun to be fully documented battered women suffer physical and mental problems as a result of domestic violence. Then it’s sad how survivors of domestic violence seem to often lose family and friends as a result of the battering. Generally because first, the batterer isolates them from family and friends then second, they become embarrassed by the abuse inflicted upon them and withdraw from support persons to avoid embarrassment.

Then there is a weapon that sometimes attacks us all and some are still unaware that they are indeed or have been a victim and that is the weapon of stalking; which is the crime of harassing somebody with persistent, inappropriate, and unwanted attention. Rokkers wrote, "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwontedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have)." For the most part, the separate acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but taken together they do, as there is a cumulative effect. Stalking leaves a victim unsure or living in the fear of what would happen to them next or afraid that the behavior would not stop not to mention that their stalker would not only cause bodily harm to them but their child or other family member.

Now on the other hand the weapon of human trafficking does not only affect victims, it takes a toll on the child or children of the victim. Many a times, victims strive to survive, even when they do not know the way out to protect their children. Virtually every country in the world is affected by human trafficking, either as a country of origin, transit or destination for victims. Due to the nature of trafficking there are three constituent elements that make up human trafficking, firstly the act; the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harboring or receipt of persons, the means; threat or use of force, coercion, abduction, fraud and abuse of power and the purpose; for the purpose of exploitation, which includes exploiting the prostitution of others, sexual exploitation, forced labor, slavery or similar practices and the removal of organs. One alarming fact about this weapon is that women constitute the largest proportion of trafficked persons and with over half of trafficked victims being women they are the ones forced into sexual slavery and prostitution. The mass of trafficking victims are between 18-24 years of age, with also an estimated 1.2 million children trafficked yearly.

Then the last weapon I want you to consider destroys on such a massive level that it was one of my worst nightmares when I had my son; this weapon attacks like a thief in the night and that is the weapon of missing children. When a child is kidnapped or abducted, he/she is put into captivity against their will. When a person who was missing as a result of abduction is found, they can have adverse psychological effects. Abduction is a very traumatic experience in which the victim has suffered through an emotional and physical ordeal. The experience can be so traumatic it will take time and possibly professional help to assist in coping with it. The sad part about this weapon is that some children are never found and some children when they are found are no longer alive.

So I ask you how can we sit idly by and let these weapons of mass destruction continue to destroy our lives, our families, communities and the world without trying to find a solution. How do we consciously continue to say we love our children, communities and country when we are found lacking in the support of fighting against these heinous crimes? What do our children learn when they see us take the “backseat” to making changes in the laws or legislation when it comes to addressing that we as a society find an end to the real weapons of mass destruction.

You see school may have taught me a lot on how the way things should be defined but life has shown me how life really is. These weapons of mass destruction have been launched all over the world and they are subtly stealing, killing and destroying our world. I ask, are you prepared to fight in this battle…you should be because no one is exempt.

Killing with a Borrowed Knife: Stephen Nodine

By Susan Murphy Milano

The murder trial for Angel Downs begins right after the Thanksgiving holiday.

On May 9, 2010, 45 yr. old realtor, Angel Downs, was found shot in the head in her front yard in Gulf Shores, Alabama. Neighbors heard shots fired and saw former (very married) boyfriend and elected Mobile County Commissioner, Steve Nodine, leaving the scene in his county provided red pickup truck.

This guy is facing more federal charges than buckets on a bozo show. Sadly, in between federal gun charges, drugs, corruption, bribery, and whatever else I missed, the most important is the cold blooded and pre-meditated murder, in my opinion, of Angel Downs, whom he stalked, threatened, and, according to eye witnesses, shot.

Combined, these are heavy criminal acts of a person elected into office. It was a surprise that this "Alabama dickless wonder" had been granted bail! With a GPS bracelet, (what a joke) Stephan Nodine has been on "house arrest." He lives in an historic neighborhood, allegedly having parties with open bars, going to salons, courting women online (on sites such as Match.com) , getting possible paramours to drop by and meet him at church, all while his parole officer (Clay Marsal) refuses to cite him for violations. Then, we have those holding the reins of local media suddenly abstain from telling the public or doing an informative investigation about Stephen Nodine's blatant disregard for the law.

It was no surprise that when our own crime advocate and writer, Cherry Simpson, learned of this dangerous repeat offender's various freedoms in a community where she lives with her family, she was outraged. First, to think that a murderer, (sorry, in my opinion!) is walking into the same grocery store, salon, pharmacy, bank or gas station, where other women could fall prey, as he is trying to pick them up in the fruit section of a grocery store or when they are having a manicure, I would not feel very safe. Neither did Cherry Simpson, especially when the county was not properly monitoring the activities of "lady killer Stephen Nodine."

Cherry created a "Support Justice for Angel Downs" page, speaks to the woman's family and friends in order to have more media attention placed on the crime in hopes of removing the headline of "mistress" associated with a murder victim, and to ensure justice is properly served given the political climate and Nodine's unique ability in the art of deception.

Cherry Simpson wrote on "Time's Up!," spoke out, and was on a radio show or two regarding the murder. In July a radio show was scheduled, with members of the Downs family and Cherry Simpson, to discuss Angel and give her a voice because she had been silenced by a man who made a living at "killing with a borrowed knife." The family was threatened not to appear on the radio show, but the show went on and we went ahead with the broadcast, without the scheduled guests.

To "kill with a borrowed knife” means borrowing other people's power to help you eliminate a threat. When you lack power or don’t want to reveal yourself, you will borrow a "knife" (from an outside force) to eliminate a threat. By doing this, you are using other people's power for your own gain.

Cherry Simpson began as advocate/activist for victims of crime after her daughter was handcuffed, raped and severely beaten in 2006 by her former son-in-law. In 2008, when her former son-in-law was scheduled for early release from State prison in Illinois, she contacted me. I scheduled a meeting with the Will County State's Attorney and implemented various strategies, which included the media, ensuring her daughter's life remained safe without the threat of continued violence, or perhaps death.

Once her daughter's case closed and the person responsible sentenced by a judge, Cherry Simpson embarked on a road to assist others, including families of missing persons and cold cases. She tasted the victory of justice and Cherry Simpson wanted the same for other parents whose cries for help fell on deaf ears, often marked by a headstone in a grave yard. In December of 2009, just weeks after she became a writer here on "Time's Up!," her niece, Lacey Gaines, was brutally murdered. She continues to work on Lacey's case, keeping it in the public eye, until the person responsible is arrested and brought to justice.

Now, in my opinion, Cherry Simpson is being threatened, harassed and victimized by the defense attorneys representing Stephen Nodine in the upcoming December trial for the murder of Angel Downs.

Cherry and Larry Simpson were served a subpoena by Nodine's defense team demanding they appear at 8:30 a.m. on December 3, 2010 in Baldwin County, Alabama. This translates into a victims advocate publicly paying for blog writing activities and for trying to keep Nodine under a larger public spotlight. Why? Because they are angry for bringing national attention a case which they would like to stay quiet.

This is certainly a lot more attention given by authorities than what Angel Downs received while she was alive.

Angel tried to have police reports written and secure an order of protection from the courts; she was tired of the staking and threatening texts. Angel Downs spoke with high ranking officers for help and no one listened. Why? People with influence, power, and money almost always get away with, yes, even murder, until they are finally caught.

At first I thought ordering Cherry Simpson and her husband to appear in court for the defense could be a good thing for the murder case, but it's not for Cherry and her family. They must jump through hoops in their professional lives to show up and testify. For Angel Downs, this is a victory. This blog is responsible for the mainstream media focusing on the case. It also in my expert opinion outed the criminal activity of a serial offender, Stephen Nodine.

I would recogonize and thank others who worked along side Cherry Simpson, but they would also be served with a subpoena by the defense team representing Nodine.

A personal message to Mr. Nodine, from me, enjoy your Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays it will be your last until you are found guilty and sent to prison.

(Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education. For more information visit http://www.saferelationships.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth on http://www.therothshow.com/)

Stalking is a Crime

By Karen Rae Elkins

When I was living in Virginia I would frequent the Seven-Eleven Convenient Store for their hot dogs. I know, I know,...hot dogs are bad for your cholesterol, but they made the best dogs for a quick lunch on the go. What does this have to do with abuse? Seven-Eleven, (7-11) is an abuse ratio. It takes a woman on average 7 times to process the abuse and be done with an abusive man. However it takes an abusive man 11 times to hear I'm through, before he gets it. When an abuser becomes relentless in his pursuit of you, it's called stalking. Just because you've left doesn't mean the perpetrator of violence is willing to give up control.

Stalking is: 
1. Following or laying in wait for the victim at work or in their neighborhood.
2. Repeated unwanted, intrusive, and frightening communications from the perpetrator by phone, text, mail or email.
3. Damaging or stealing the victim's property. Includes suddenly having a flat tire when the tread is fine, a drained radiator, or running out of gas, any act as so to leave the victim stranded and in need of help.
4. Making threats to harm the victim, the victim's family, friends, pets or themselves
5. Repeatedly sending the victim unwanted gifts... so to seem as a good person and when the gifts are rejected the perp turns to sending pornographic material to threaten or send a message to the victim
6. Harassment through the internet, known as cyberstalking. This form of stalking leaves victims with limited access to the internet.
7. Manipulation, such as dragging the victim into court
8.Securing personal information about the victim by: accessing public records (land records, phone listings, driver or voter registration), using internet search services, hiring private investigators, contacting friends, family, work, or neighbors, going through the victims garbage.
9. Isolation by releasing personal information, true or untrue about your personal life for the purpose of turning friends and family against you.


Stalking has become one of the most dreaded crimes against women in recent years. According to a 2000 study conducted by the federal Department of Justice, one woman in 12 will be stalked during her lifetime. This figure is startling when compared to the fact that 1 in 3,000 will be raped, based on current FBI statistics. Many women know their stalker personally and as a result, are hesitant to believe the situation is potentially dangerous. Being aware of these alarming signals can help you determine if you are being stalked and what to do about it.

Researchers predict that one in twenty adults will be stalked during his or her lifetime. According to a 2000 report by the Department of Justice one in twelve women have been stalked. Many stalking situations result in the death or serious injury of the victim. While anti-stalking statutes are aimed at protecting both sexes, experts believe that the majority of stalking cases involve men stalking women. This pattern of men stalking women occurs both in the domestic context and between strangers. Thus, stalking needs to be addressed as a form of violence against women. Eighty percent of stalking cases occur in a domestic situation. Stalking occurs after the woman has attempted to sever the relationship and the man responds, "if I can't have you, no one will."

This is what some have coined as separation assault and describes domestic violence from a different viewpoint. Leaving the situation did not guarantee the woman's safety, in some cases it increased her danger. It can be lethal. The stalker, in most cases, is not crazy. This stereotype is an inaccurate depiction of abusers. It's all about them regardless of the law.

One fundamental point that defines the problem and you must never forget it is the Stalker/Abuser thinks of themselves as laws unto themselves. No laws, no social standards, no standards of behavior and no motivation other than themselves dictates their actions. Laws that would deter the average person doesn't phase a stalker. The only law they follow is: "It's all about them": their feelings, their emotions, their needs, their pride. A stalker will go to no ends to enforce his law. Stalkers feel you have no right to hurt or deny their law. Remember, their law is - it's all about them and anything can set them off...like writing a blog. Stalking is just another form of control and the stalker will go to almost any lengths to get the control back.

Stalkers are cunning. They have had years of experience in manipulation. They have a sense that they can get away with anything, regardless. They convince those around them that they are a great person and friend. Stalkers mask themselves as knowledgeable, strong, heroic, romantic people. They play the part of caring, charming and sensitive people as long as you cater to them and their every whim. Stalkers reveal their true nature after they win your trust.

An abuser would not attempt to stalk his victim if he wasn't pretty sure he could get a way with it, if he was afraid of what you could do and if he hadn't already overpowered you in the past. One of the fatal mistakes made by women is the thought that they can handle it by themselves. Please get this through your head, "You can't handle the situation by yourself".

Recognize the danger you are in and seek advise from those who bought the tee shirt and lived to tell their story. That's what I did eventually, and my stalking x abuser should be afraid of what I can and will do. Knowledge is power. Power is self defense. Self Defense is using every resource to take control back. Control comes when fear subsides.

Until next time, fish steady my friends. love from the lake. karen

Heeding And Taking A Stand

By Anny Jacoby

With the holiday season in "high gear", shopping until you drop, cooking and baking, dinners and celebrations and the new year approaching I felt it only appropriate to address awareness causes that pertain to victimization. And, what can you do for others and yourself.


Awareness months are a result of presidential proclamations suggesting their importance which recognizes special months, weeks or days as symbolic statements that highlight causes, interest groups and diseases that an administration thinks deserves attention. Many proclamations date back decades and are updated periodically. To achieve an awareness month, you simply have to ask. Requests usually go through the Office of the Public Liaison, and the proclamations themselves are written by the office of the staff secretary. It helps to have a cause that fits snugly into a current president's worldview. Yes, it also helps to have some connection in the government.


Personally, the following awareness months are dear to my heart and mission:

• January - National Personal Self-Defense Awareness Month
• January - National Stalking Awareness Month
• April - National Sexual Assault Awareness Month
• April - National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month
  
• June - National Internet Safety Awareness Month
  
• September - National Human Trafficking Month
  
• October - National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
• October - National Cyber Security Awareness Month

Not only during the above months should we take heed or take a stand but every day of your life you should be aware and proactive - awareness is the first step to any form of personal safety or self-defense. It all begins with you.


The terms "personal safety/self-defense" definitely do not make us feel all warm and fuzzy but it is extremely vital to have the knowledge about, even if it is only a "little". Just knowing a little can literally save your life or that of a loved one. Personal safety is extremely important for females because we tend to be the safety advocates for our families, friends and peers but we must not forget about ourselves.


Whenever I speak or teach I ask, "what does the words "personal safety or self-defense" mean to you"? The answer that I hear over and over is, "it has something to do with defending ourselves from someone who is physically attacking us". On the contrary, personal safety begins with mental defense. It is imperative to learn what the warning signs and red flags in domestic violence are as abuse begins with emotional, mental, verbal, spiritual, financial abuse and much more (power and control). There is nothing wrong with being pro-active and putting your safety before anything or anyone else.


Most people think that personal safety/self-defense is hurting your attacker before he/she can hurt you. On the contrary, the most important part of personal safety is doing everything possible to AVOID fighting someone who threatens or attacks you, AVOIDING potentially harmful conditions. Personal safety/self-defense is about outsmarting attackers, not always outfighting them.


This is not to say that you shouldn't be prepared in case of an attack. Consider training to learn valuable defense techniques, mentally and physically. Generally a person may use reasonable force when it appears reasonably necessary to prevent an impending injury. A person using force in self-defense should use only so much force as is required to repel an attack. Ultimately, the goal in personal safety is to not need to use physical defense but if you do, escape with little injury to yourself as possible.


The National Crime Prevention Council sends a loud message as to how to avoid undesirable situations to name a few:

• Understand your surroundings. Stay in areas that are open, well lit and well traveled.
• When possible, travel in a group - use the "buddy system".
• Make sure that your friends and parents know your basic schedule, where you are going and with whom; that you arrived safely and what time to expect you home.
• Your body language shows a sense of confidence - use it. Look like you know where you are going, be and remain alert.
• When riding on public transportation, sit near the driver and stay awake. Assailants look for vulnerable targets.
• Always carry a cell phone, in a holder on your clothing - not in the bottom of your purse or in a pocket. Make sure that it's programmed in speed dial with numbers of a few friends/family members and 911.
• If you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, trust your instincts. Heed to them, trust them as your instinct seldom fails you.
• Focus on what to do instead of what not to do.

Personal safety/self-defense can be warm and fuzzy once you learn what it really means and how to use it to your advantage. Give yourself permission and allow yourself to become strong mentally and emotionally which in turn will result in an outward expression of confidence. Assailants prey on weaknesses.

With January being a new fresh start in many ways it is also a time for reflection and revisions.What a better time to learn to respect ourselves? With it being time for renewal and new beginnings it is a perfect time to say:


"Yes" to ourselves


"Yes" to our self-esteem


"Yes" to our awareness


"Yes" to our self-respect


"Yes" to improving both our mental and emotional well-being


"Yes" to learning how to physically protect and defend ourselves




Wishing everyone a wonderful, Blessed Holiday season; a prosperous and healthy New Year.


Take care and STAY SAFE!