They Don't Deserve to Die

By Diane Fanning

The ultimate act of domestic violence is homicide. The lead-up to that fatal act comes in a lot of forms. In many cases, it is physical violence with some women being battered to the point of hospitalization on a regular basis. With others it is more subtle—the destruction is emotional, shaped by intimidation, control, and the shredding of self-confidence.

No matter how it manifests, it is clear that the most dangerous time for any of these women is when they decide to leave and for up to two years after they take action. That is the time that many women die. I’ve seen this truth fulfilled in book I’ve written about the deaths of Susan McFarland in Texas, Kathleen Peterson in North Carolina and now in my most recent book, UNDER COVER OF THE NIGHT, the death of Jocelyn Earnest in Forest, Virginia.

All of these women had many things in common. Susan, Kathleen and Jocelyn were all well-loved by family and friends. They all had high-powered jobs with good salaries. Not one of them had any of the serious risk factors that often presage a violent death. All three seemed unlikely victims and yet, all three died in their homes at the hands of their husbands.

Their relationships were marked by controlling behavior. Their spouse always got his way. For example, when Jocelyn wanted a cozy little cabin getaway on the lake, her husband insisted on designing and erecting a $1.2 million showcase. She went along to keep him happy.

In every case, these spouses had a secret life. Two had a locked room or forbidden space. Two had sexual alliances outside of the home—one of fleeing nature with multiple partners, the other a relationship of more serious import. One had been a high octane stock broker, one a bestselling author and the third, Jocelyn’s husband Wesley was the Assistant Principal at a high school, entrusted with other people’s children every day.

All three husbands felt free to make belittling comments of their wives in front of others and to criticize their decisions and thoughts. Susan made divorce plans behind her spouse’s back. He hacked into her accounts and discovered her secret. He beat her to death and hid her body. Kathleen discovered her husband’s infidelity and made a decision to leave. He killed her that night in the stairway of her home. He claimed it was an accident.

Jocelyn finally stood up for herself, breaking the bonds that kept her under his control, separating from her spouse and rebuilding her life. Then, she saw him in his Lake House getaway, in bed with another woman. She filed for divorce. Wesley killed her and tried to stage it as a suicide, complete with a note that attempted to make her look like the cheating spouse and him the wronged party.

Wesley believed he would get away with it. He thought that his inheritance from Jocelyn’s death would enable him to keep his beloved lake house. Things did not go as he planned. He was charged with her murder and, without her pay check, he couldn't meet the mortgage and the bank was about to foreclose. The beautiful house on the shore went up in flames.

All three men were convicted of the murder of their wives and sent to prison. (Although one is now out awaiting a new trial on a technicality.) As gratifying as that might be, it does not bring back Susan, Kathleen or Jocelyn—it does not breathe life into three incredible women whose lives were cut short.

Sadly, when I look at their lives and the choices they made after they decided to leave, I see that each of them could have benefited from following the plans in Susan Murphy Milano’s book, TIME’S UP! Had they done so, they may have still been alive today. If you know anyone in a perilous, controlling or abusive relationship, put that book in her hands. Urge her to read and follow the advice and instructions.

We need to help each other. It’s the only way we can avoid unnecessary sorrow and grief. Understand the barriers for leaving an abusive relationship and don’t abandon your friend, co-worker or family member just because she is reluctant to act. She needs your support now more than ever—no matter how long it takes.

Thinking of Susan Murphy Milano: "There are some who bring a light so bright to the world that even after they have gone, the light remains."

Diane Fanning speaks at recent event

Diane Fanning is the author of over 20 published books, both true crime and crime fiction. Her 2014 book releases are UNDER COVER OF THE NIGHT and the historical WWII novel, SCANDAL IN THE SECRET CITY. All her books are available at online book retailers as well as local book stores.

For a complete list of Diane's books, visit her website: DianeFanning.Com

"The Wrong Kind of Love"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

At what cost to ourselves do we remain in a relationship? Likely this is not a question we ever ask ourselves. But, why not?

Could it be that in our lives we settle? Are we too embarrassed to admit when the individual we have chosen to spend our lives with is not who they were at the beginning of the relationship? The answer is yes.

The wrong kind of love includes emotional warfare. A destructive game played in a relationship when a person chips away at the very foundation of another individual. Emotional warfare is an invisible dagger to the heart. You don't see it coming when confronted. Below are some examples of :

Emotional Abuse

• Name calling: “you’re a bitch, a whore, fat, ugly, stupid, slut, trash”.
• You are constantly told that you are crazy, that you need a psychiatrist; they threaten to have you committed. They tell your children that you are crazy and make them believe that they are not safe with you. They hide personal items in an attempt to convince you or others that, “you are losing it.”
• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.
• They ignore you when you have “been bad”, or do not do as you are told. They act like you are not in the room. You are made to feel that you are invisible.
• They withhold praise or affection. They make you feel that your mere presence disgusts them, that you are unattractive, and unworthy of them or anyone else.

• You are made to feel worthless, no good, and stupid. You are told you’re your opinions do not count, that you couldn’t possibly have anything to say that anyone would want to hear.
• You are made to feel that your past has no value; your childhood memories, your holiday traditions, your faith, and even your family. Regardless of your education, or your past experiences, your prior existence means nothing to them, and even the mention of it can illicit negative consequences.
• They accuse you of having affairs, lying, or conspiring against them.

Just because you are not physically hurt in your relationship does not mean you are free and clear. Emotional abuse can and does lead to intimate partner homicide. In many of the recent cases where women have gone missing and have yet to be found, they were never hit or beaten with fists. Instead, words, the same as you see above were their abusers weapons. When that no longer worked they went from words to action, silencing women and the mothers of their own children, forever.

You cannot fix or rescue these individuals. They are toxic and dangerous to any relationship.

Before you consider filing for a divorce or moving out, you better have a plan. He (the abuser) has one if you leave. And the last time I checked designer body bags were not considered a fashion statement.

Time's Up!

[Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

She is also part of the team at Management Resources Limited of New York.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Giving Justice A Voice: Intimate Partner Violence Crimes

By Susan Murphy Milano

This past weekend friends, colleagues and the community gathered for a memorial walk honoring Kathryn Jackson age 45, the director of human resources at Hubbard House which provides services for victims of domestic violence. Kathryn was the victim of a murder-suicide at the hands of her boyfriend, George Chaney. On December 22, 2010, she was shot and killed by her violent and abusive former boyfriend who then took his own life.

It is a wonderful tribute to honor a woman who worked within an organization that makes a difference in the lives of so many. But, that is not the direction I am headed with this article.

In 2009, prior to Kathryn's murder, Hubbard House along with law enforcement, implemented a new weapon to use when they respond to domestic violence calls: a questionnaire designed to predict whether a victim could eventually be killed by an abuser. It was an important tool towards identifying the risks for victims of intimate partner homicide and stalking. I have always said when you do what you have always done, expect the result to be the same. Hubbard House got my attention, they implemented a strategy that was outside of the box. The outcome for those who now sought their direction and assistance would have an opportunity to a better plan for a successful outcome.

Today marks another milestone for a successful outcome from outside of the box. 

It was one year ago today, marking my own mother's birthday, that we released and launched "Time's Up. My mother's life, cut short at the age of 47, as the wife of violent and abusive law enforcement officer, would eventually be the key that opened doors for those affected by violence to leave safely. Because of her, and my work over the past 20 years, the book "Times' Up: A Guide in How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships" takes those from the "State of being controlled" to the "State of being in control." This means from the moment a person decides to end their relationship, or file for a divorce from a toxic and perhaps dangerous individual, they will be learning the steps necessary to protect themselves, which is the key. That key to the door opened up to the world when an amazing woman lost her life.

Soon, organizations and law enforcement across the county will be replacing the questionnaire with the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and video or the "EAA." Through two major Universities, to be announced in the coming weeks, will be placing this affidavit and video in the hands of domestic violence agencies and first responders across the county as part of a new feasibility, measures and outcome study as it relates to saving lives.

This groundbreaking book is a landscape of specific steps towards safety and addresses critical issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide is a life raft providing structure in the midst of chaos and it has kept many victims of intimate partner violence, to date, alive.

Among the tools and forms, is the procedure of an “Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is reported missing. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave, but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" and video has the additional psychological benefit of being forced to face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

The Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit: A Victim’s Voice(c)
Domestic violence or intimate partner victims now are able to provide information, in their own words, about the fears, dangers, experiences they have had at the hands of their abuser. The" Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit" or "EAA" records victim's stories, histories, and experiences which are preserved and stored on their behalf. These videos will provide answers to the many questions, allegations, and fears that arise when a person has disappeared, gone missing, or been found dead. 

Recent cases, such as missing mother Susan Powell of Utah, Kelly Rothwell of Florida, and women like Stacy Peterson, where the victim’s police officer husband is the person of interest, is the classic example of the benefits of this type of evidence. If Stacy Peterson, or any woman found murdered or is missing, had done an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit, ON TAPE, from following the information in the “Time’s Up" book on a flash drive, they would be able to describe:

- threats made against her life or wellbeing, including details of how the perpetrator would carry out the threat
- incidents of past abuse that the victim has endured
- admissions or comments made to her about other victims or people abused
- where evidence or weapons would or could be located
- possible alibis that the perpetrator would make up in his defense (including identification of people who could be co-defendant’s or co-suspects)
- portray visible injuries or marks

Next year when Hubbard House holds their annual walk for lives lost in the war on intimate partner homicide, they too, have a new tool for which to celebrate and save lives. "Time's Up!"


Happy Birthday, Mom!






Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs. http://pamelachapmanl.biz

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

Armed For Battle

By Karen Rae Elkins

If there were one battle plan for staying safe before, during or after a domestic violence event there would be fewer murders associated with what has become the hell within our homes. I read a statistic that stated 94% of all domestic violence murders occur in the home. The statistic didn't include the men and women who just couldn't take any more abuse. Many have committed suicide or died homeless on the streets as a result of domestic violence.

I found a report on the web conducted by our government titled "The impact of Domestic Violence." I could feel my blood pressure rise. Our government loves impact statements. Go ahead, I dare you to google impact statement. Billions of dollars - billions of words - created by whom and for what reason? While government agencies spend millions studying the impact of domestic violence, people are dying every day. I could have saved them a bunch of money. "Violence KILLS!" Who is impacted? Everyone....even those who have never lived a violent moment. No one is excluded or untouched by the actions of violence. It's time to wake up.

This is one reason I believe "Time's Up!" is so valuable. Government agencies on violence pledge to protect, but they have lost their way. While they spins their wheels and our money, there are everyday people willing take the frontline in the war on violence. We are armed with first hand experience. Experience is the best teacher. Who better to help others than true Statesmen armed with compassion, solid advise, wisdom and sometimes just to listen? We are soldiers in the Army for a peaceful life. We fight the fight with faith to overcome the captivity called violence.

In memory of who I was, I've created a battle plan in hopes to help save a life from a vicious fate. I call this plan: "Get the Hell Out When The Heat Is On". On my battlefield of idea's you can find, a mixture of friends,  a good dose of confidence, an ounce of prevention, a measure of strategy, and I stir in the waters of faith.

Where do you write your plan for living?

I did so with the help of good friends.  No two violent situations are the same, so I encourage you to read my battle plan then, sit down and write your own plan for surviving and thriving. I suggest you write down your strategy over the pages of an old book laying around the house. I wrote my plan in my Bible...a place my abuser would never go. The margins were packed with my thoughts. He never knew. A journal or a notebook is like a red flag saying, just go on and beat me now. Out of all your troubles, refuse to lose. The more you write, the stronger you grow until... finally you will leave. When the day of victory comes for you, take the hand of someone who was in your shoes and become their ally.

Arm yourself.

The best way out of a bad relationship is to find a good relationship. I'm not talking about hopping from one person to another, What's the saying? "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." I'm talking about real down home, butt kicking, friendships. Isolation is common among abuse victims. Seek out those who have defeated violence. There is a reason they named the movie, "We Were Soldiers." It's good to have friends that have never experienced abuse, but when you are fighting a war, best to surround yourself with both friends and soldiers. I discovered this fact late in my battle because of pride and shame. Don't make my mistake. Soldiers are experienced brothers and sisters. These are my soldier sisters, Alexis, Cherry, Delilah, Anny, Abby, Susan and Shelly. God bless them and God bless my soul sisters too. They are all fishermen, Cousin Jada, Katrina and Christie and Cindy. We can burn the cell phone minutes up.

Where do you start? Much like our brave soldiers fighting terrorist, I look to them for  knowledge. There is a camp near my home to train soldiers for battle in the Middle East. They are taught the tactics of the enemy and train in defense. Soldiers don't go into battle to lose, they get up and fight smart. The best defense is a good offense.

There is a specialized class that is catching on like a wildfire in America. This class could save you from ever taking that first blow. It's like a reserve or insurance, a measure of riches for a life without violence. It's called a personal safety class. Anny Jacoby is a pioneer in the area of personal safety. When I asked her about safety, this was her reply.

Karen, I wish everyone would recommend that every female get training long before the physical altercations so that they can learn the warning signs, be able to see the red flags, understand what Power & Control is all about, learn proactive safety tips and ultimately how one can protect and defend herself mentally, emotionally and ultimately physically. And, every female must understand that any assault is NEVER HER FAULT. Any form of assault/abuse is zero tolerance.

We travel throughout the United States to train, speak, and give presentations to gals in school, ages 5-23 through our division, Project Safe Girls; not in school, ages 19-65, Seniors as well as females with disabilities. We are not stationery - we go where we are needed (everywhere).

Stir up the waters of faith.

I'm sure using the word Hell in my opening statement is not politically correct and neither is my next paragraph. It's my rock and it grew out of the storms I survived. So, what is Hell? Hell is darkness. Hell is the absence of light. Hell is a violent man. He can be like a land mine or a IED. Ya never know when he will explode. For me, Hell is also it's being separated from God. He has the ultimate plan for life. I have been driven to my knees and sought his guidance. Shelly is a praying soldier. I know there are those laying in wait to bash my belief in The Most High, ready and willing to point out my short comings, however I can't deny His role in teaching me who I am, and most importantly in keeping me safe. I've often heard the expression there are no Athiest in fox holes when bombs and bullets fly.


When the Heat is on.

If your knowledge has been butchered tell yourself daily, Domestic Violence is lethal. Don't pay the ultimate price with your life or the life of your children. The first fatal mistake in safety is the belief that "It won't happen to me." Don't put your faith in your feelings. Read sentance # 2 again, 94%  die in their homes.

Never give up your power. Your goal is to win. I like the saying "Chose to live for something rather than die for nothing". Alexis has a wealth of wisdom when it comes  to victims. She has pledged to leave no victim behind through her organization, Survivors in Action. She said to me,"Too many think there is a bulletproof way to survive, and, unfortunately, there is not.You are worth it. - most of the women I speak with who are victims of rape, stalking or domestic violence share one common attribute and that is we are all struggling with loving ourselves and self-esteem. I often say you are worth it when speaking with victims who are struggling with speaking out or having a difficult time overcoming - i say you are worth it-  The first time Alexis and I spoke on the phone, she said those exact words to me more than once. She turned my I am not into I am.

Safety is all about strategy. How are you going to protect yourself? First report all abuse to officials, therapist, minister or police. Records and paper trails of abuse are important. The other day I tested my mace and it ran down the side of the dispenser. And you know I did it, touch my nose! I knew better, just wasn't thinking. Today I heard of a more effective source of mace. Wasp Spray. It's going to spray at least 3 ft. If you are still living in abuse, pick it up at the grocery store and lose the receipt by accident. You should have a can under your car seat, several cans in your home, and one at work. If you are in true danger of your abuser, aim for his face and run like hell to the police station. Call 911 for him, cause he's gonna need treatment. You have every right to defend your life.

Katrina said, "Girl go to the tackle store and buy a flare gun." They cost about 30 dollars and will be worth it should you need the element of surprise.

I'd rather use the wasp spray. I have a gun permit, but I know that once I lay my hand on my gun it's going off without hesitation. If you can't say the same, don't entertain the idea of a gun. I don't want to use that option, but I can and will. Every year in the United States, 1,000 to 1,600 women die at the hands of their male partners, often after a long, escalating pattern of battering.

In reality, only a very small percent of victims kill their abusers to end the violence.  Most suffer in silence or are unable to leave the relationship.  Several studies have attempted to learn why a small percent of battered women resort to homicide.  These studies have found that battered women who kill in self-defense:

• suffer frequent and severe abuse
• are victims of often brutal sexual assault
• are frequently threatened with death, especially if they attempt to leave
• are caught and beaten if they leave the abuser
• suffer severe psychological abuse, such as being beaten in front of others or being forced to watch the batterer kill a pet
• are socially isolated and often imprisoned in their homes

If you can identify with any of the above situations, he's not worth killing. He's not worth your time either. I believe what comes around goes around. I've seen it happen too many times in my life. It often happens when you least think about it.

The ultimate goal of this battle is to live. If you lack money, here is one temporary idea. Start cleaning out the junk. Tell him you are having a yard sale to buy something that will please him. Make signs and advertise. Then take a good look at the things in your home. The lamp, are you worth more than the lamp? The rug, Has he walked all over you like the rug? The dishes. When did they become projectiles? All that stuff, the material stuff, can never add up to the sum of your life. Now, not in his defense but in the belief that what comes around goes around,  don't go selling his fishing stuff or his play station, but I say the shotguns are fair game. I think hand guns are illegal to sell. Fill the tank with gas the night before the sale. When he leaves for work have the biggest yard sale ever. Have a friend manage the sale while you pack your car of the small sentimental tokens. Sell everything you can until around 2pm then leave the rest in the yard, make a quick stop at the police station and give them his hand guns. Tell them you are taking back your control from abuse and run like hell. Leave town, don't go to a friends house, don't go to family. Best keep them out of danger. Find your soldier friends and fight. There are good organizations out there willing to help you with housing and the divorce. There are advocates that will go to court with you. 


With that I leave you with a story. Remember he is the ultimate liar, a deceiver who only wants to destroy you.


 Don't let this be your story. 


Her name was Virginia and she called a hotline looking for shelter. She was quickly screened and promised two beds: one for her and one for her 15 year old daughter. She told the advocate that she would be there right after work. She would pick up her daughter from school and be right there. Although the writing had been on the wall for a while, Dean, her husband of 16 years had refused a divorce or separation. He had said more than once, “If I can’t have you nobody can.” It had been said as a promise, as a dare and as matter of fact-ly as pass the cornbread. It stopped having its impact. So, Virginia had enough of all of it. All of it. She was ready.

Five o’clock came and went. Five thirty. Six o’clock. Then, the eleven o’clock news.

At about 3:30 Dean called to admit his defeat. He said he knew Virginia was unhappy and had been for a long time. He was sorry he had caused her so much pain. He never meant to hurt her. As a peace offering, he was willing to give her what she wanted. He wouldn’t cause her any more grief. He would leave the house and let her come get her things. She could take whatever she wanted. He would sign any papers, but wanted to keep the house because it was inherited from his parents. It was just what Virginia hoped would happen.

So, Virginia picked up her daughter and got a few empty boxes and went to get her things. She made it out of the car and a few steps before the shotgun blast pierced the air and ended her life. Within seconds, the 15 year old fell dead next to her mother.

Fish Steady my friends. karen