Stop and Smell the Happy

By Susie Kroll

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

As a professional speaker and advocate for Teen Dating Violence, I spend a lot of time in junior high and high schools. Teen Dating Violence is a weighty subject especially for teens and parents. It can be made even more volatile when parents aren’t the model of a healthy relationship that their children need to see. When I go out to speak to teens and tweens I invariably meet kids who are stunned at one or more aspects of healthy relationships. They seem mystified that it is a partnership. Or that each person is free to have a life outside of their relationship. More shockingly, is the fact that most aren’t surprised and have even experienced one or more aspects of a potentially harmful dating violence relationship; they even seem to be okay or resigned to these behaviors. Some of these behaviors include being accountable at all times to their boyfriends or girlfriends or becoming sexually active. I hear kids say, frequently, “I didn’t have a choice.” This resignation to their situation also leads them to say, “I’m not happy, but what can I do,” and “Isn’t this how it is supposed to be?”

Today’s teens and tweens are constantly in pursuit of the next best thing that they think will make them happy, albeit I am not sure if they know what their happiness is. But then again, do most adults? Though I do know that at that age most seem to choose their happiness based on what their peers want or have mandated as the thing to have. Sadly, it also seems that the happiness teens are seeking is and can only be in the form of a material object.

As an advocate, I seek to have them learn about their own rights, choices, and individuality. As an adult, I now see clearly, what pressures teens and I were under and how differently I would do things if I knew then what I know now. Therein lays the eternal struggle; the inexperience of youth and the wisdom of age. I want every child to learn about healthy relationships. More importantly, I want each and every child to learn healthy independence and individuality. I believe that one cannot be a successful and happy partner unless they are first a successful and happy individual. A teen’s self worth is not defined by the material goods they have, the popularity they seek, or the romantic relationship they are a part of. It comes from learning about one’s self, experiences, beliefs, and values. It comes from what has made us sad, happy, angry, jealous, and joyous. Ultimately, happiness comes from having the ability to choose. A few of those choices could be choosing your job, religion, education, hobbies, hair color, friends, and activities. We need to teach them about the responsibility that comes with choice, the consequences and positive outcomes. It will transition nicely into making healthy choices in all avenues of their lives.

Anyone that is a parent or advocate for children can help foster healthy relationships by first fostering healthy individuals. We can remind our teens and tweens that happiness is something you have to actively seek. That it is more than the newest gadget, fashion, or phone. Happiness is also taking the time to value what you have already. We need to show teens and tweens that they have choices, opinions, and goals that have merit and value. We need to show them that while on the path to seeking their happiness they must also remember that some of the joy in attaining happiness is also in the journey.

Influences

By Susie Kroll

Today I watched an episode of the new 90210.  I was struck by part of the storyline.  There is a nerdy smart kid that likes one of the popular, rich, and self-absorbed main characters.  She is thin, pretty, popular, failing math, and could have her choice of guys.  She has found herself attracted to the nerd.  This nerd is short, wears glasses, is excellent at math, and loves science fiction.  In prior episodes they even make reference to the fact that her reputation would be ruined if her friends knew she liked a nerd.  So they agree to save both their reputations and keep their hooking up a secret.

She makes all kinds of assumptions about the nerd.  One is that he is inexperienced in bed.  Clearly, she believes that she is going to educate him about sex.  After their first intimate act, she basically said to the nerd, “Wow, you were great.”  Furthermore, she questions how a virgin could perform so well for the first time.  The nerdy kid then tells her that he is not a virgin.  She was shocked and asks how many times before her.  He replies, less than the square root of 64.  He says, “7.”  She is shocked and so was I. For me it wasn’t because he was a nerd.  It was because both of these characters are supposed to be seniors in high school-so they are probably supposed to be 17.  It is worth noting that while all of this was happening, these kids had chartered a private jet and flown to Cabo for their Spring Break.  It goes without saying that alcohol was readily available.  Additionally, the nerd finds out that his new flame is failing math and refused to have sex with her again until the studies and correctly answers all his math questions.

So why am I blogging about this?  If you remember from one of my prior blogs, the statistic from a Kaiser Family Foundation that stated:  76% of teens said that one reason young people have sex is because TV shows and movies make it seem normal for teens. 

Let us take this a bit further, so now we have moved from teens losing their virginity before they graduate from high school so approaching double-digit sex partners.  And the one approaching the double-digits is a math nerd.  If teens are emulating what they see on TV because it is portrayed to be normal then here are a few assumptions to consider.

1. If real teens don’t want to be considered nerds then do they need to strive for more than 7 sex partners before they graduate?
2. Does that mean that the popular girl has had more partners than the nerd?
3. Why does the show portray the only reason for her sudden motivation to pass math is so she can have sex with the nerd again? (Getting into CU is second on that list.)
4. Do all popular girls only respond to sexual motivation?
5. Why are the stereotypes of nerds vs. popular and over-sexed pretty girls reinforced?
6. How many of our tweens and teens are seeing this and thinking this is the norm and that’s what they should be doing because they lack the necessary guidance to make educated choices?

My list of questions could go on and on.  So what do we do?  What do you think?  Are you scared?  I am.

Think Like A Teen?

By Susie Kroll

  

Self-reflection is something I believe extremely important and often under-utilized.  The question I pose is this:  Have you taken the time to think about your beliefs and values and then compared them to those you held in your teens?  Furthermore, have you examined what has changed about you and your beliefs or how your perspective has changed since you were a teen? 

The reason that I pose this question is that I think it is very important to see the differences in things that teens and adults place value or belief in.  Obviously, as a teen one’s beliefs and value-placing tend to change and shift once that teen becomes an adult.  Some people find that they have changed their core beliefs significantly from their teenage years.  Others may find that they gravitate back to the values that their parents had, maybe because as teens they didn’t think what their own parents believed was important then.  Still yet, others may find that they have reinforced their childhood values in their adult lives.  Things or beliefs that teens hold dear at 15 or 16 can be much different than the things they will come to value at 35 or 40.  I believe it to be the natural progress of life, age, and the wisdom and experience that comes with age. 

The reason I find this self-reflection so valuable is that I spend a lot of time with teens.  As a speaker and educator in the field of Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships, I am keenly conscious of the attitudes and ideas that teens hold and how they can differ from what is important to people as they age.  Perspective is a powerful tool in reaching teens when you want them to understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  For example, I could walk into a class of 14 year olds and talk about marriage, relationships, and domestic violence.  Having tried that and then read my reviews later, I’ve learned a few things.  First, is that the kids listen and compare what I am saying to their parents or guardians as they are the married ones.  Following that, there is little if no connection to the relationships the kids are in because for the most part, marriage is a far-off and foreign concept.  Some of the other comments I have received state in many different ways that teens see their lives as long and marriage is only something you do when you’re old (old like 35 or so). 

So why would I use my own adult perspective to try and teach teens about dating violence?  The answer is I wouldn’t, having seen it fail when I first became a speaker.  Teaching teens about unhealthy and healthy relationships is so much more effective when you reach them in terms of their daily lives and current value systems.  For the most part, as a 14 year old, it isn’t important that a potential boy or girlfriend have a successful career.  But it is important that they maybe have a car or are cool and popular.   

Reaching a teen using their values, beliefs, and experiences is much more effective than trying to use abstract or future experiences to guide them.  If a teen can learn the same lessons via a frame of reference that they are familiar with, then the lesson will translate into expectations in later life.

By virtue of being and adult now, I have learned more, seen more, and become more aware of the world around me.  What I value and believe in has shifted from when I was a teen.  I remember as a teen being wholly wrapped up in my life, school, and most importantly, my friends.  I would hear what my parents were telling me and then go right back to my life concerns all the while thinking that my parents just didn’t understand.  In talking with them now, they tell me that they had the same thoughts regarding their own parents. 

So what is the moral of the story, so to speak?  As adults we have the luxury of having been both a teen and an adult during our lives.  Teens have yet to have that experience.  As adults, caregivers, and educators, it is vital that we don’t forget how we felt as teens and apply that to how we view and interact with today’s youth.  As adults with concerns like mortgages, bills, babies, marriages, jobs, and world issues it is hard to remember that for a teen the equivalent to the fighting in Libya is why their best friend from 3^rd grade isn’t talking to them anymore because of a boy they both like.  One issue isn’t more or less important than the other if you consider values and perspectives. 

So when you sit down to talk to your teen about anything and everything, from the seriousness of dating violence to the fun stuff like prom and football, remember perspectives.  You just might find a deeper connection and then both teens and adults might just learn something from one another.   

         

I Didn't Have a Choice

By Susie Kroll 

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

                          Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

As a professional speaker and advocate for Teen Dating Violence, I spend a lot of time in junior high and high schools.  Teen Dating Violence is a weighty subject especially for teens and parents.  It can be made even more volatile when parents aren’t the model of a healthy relationship that their children need to see.  When I go out to speak to teens and tweens I invariably meet kids who are stunned at one or more aspects of healthy relationships.  They seem mystified that it is a partnership.  Or that each person is free to have a life outside of their relationship.  More shockingly, is the fact that most aren’t surprised and have even experienced one or more aspects of a potentially harmful dating violence relationship; they even seem to be okay or resigned to these behaviors.  Some of these behaviors include being accountable at all times to their boyfriends or girlfriends or becoming sexually active.  I hear kids say, frequently, “I didn’t have a choice.”  This resignation to their situation also leads them to say, “I’m not happy, but what can I do,” and “Isn’t this how it is supposed to be?”

Today’s teens and tweens are constantly in pursuit of the next best thing that they think will make them happy, albeit I am not sure if they know what their happiness is.  But then again, do most adults?  Though I do know that at that age most seem to choose their happiness based on what their peers want or have mandated as the thing to have.  Sadly, it also seems that the happiness teens are seeking is and can only be in the form of a material object. 

As an advocate, I seek to have them learn about their own rights, choices, and individuality.  As an adult, I now see clearly, what pressures teens and I were under and how differently I would do things if I knew then what I know now.  Therein lays the eternal struggle; the inexperience of youth and the wisdom of age.  I want every child to learn about healthy relationships.  More importantly, I want each and every child to learn healthy independence and individuality.  I believe that one cannot be a successful and happy partner unless they are first a successful and happy individual.  A teen’s self worth is not defined by the material goods they have, the popularity they seek, or the romantic relationship they are a part of.  It comes from learning about one’s self, experiences, beliefs, and values.  It comes from what has made us sad, happy, angry, jealous, and joyous.  Ultimately, happiness comes from having the ability to choose.  A few of those choices could be choosing your job, religion, education, hobbies, hair color, friends, and activities.  We need to teach them about the responsibility that comes with choice, the consequences and positive outcomes.  It will transition nicely into making healthy choices in all avenues of their lives.

Anyone that is a parent or advocate for children can help foster healthy relationships by first fostering healthy individuals.  We can remind our teens and tweens that happiness is something you have to actively seek.  That it is more than the newest gadget, fashion, or phone.  Happiness is also taking the time to value what you have already.  We need to show teens and tweens that they have choices, opinions, and goals that have merit and value.  We need to show them that while on the path to seeking their happiness they must also remember that some of the joy in attaining happiness is also in the journey.        

Stalking and Teens: How Dangerous Is It Really?

 By Susie Kroll

Doesn’t it seem like everywhere we turn there are stories about stalking?  Numerous celebrities are or have been stalked by some crazy person.  So, it must only happen to famous people, right?  Let us not forget that the media’s portrayal of these stalkers is less than accurate for the rest of society.  What I mean is we’ve seen the mug shots on TV or in magazines.  Or we have heard the reports of sample communications between the stalker and victim.  Usually they are full of misspellings, crazy ideas, and the pictures of the stalkers usually consist of wild hair, orange jail jumpsuits, and strange eyes.

If I were a teen being exposed to this, I would assume a few things.  One, that stalking happens to people other than little ol’ me.  Two, the victim has to be rich, famous, or in the media’s spotlight for one reason or another.  Three, the victim has to be one of the “beautiful people” that everyone wants to know or be like.  Four, stalkers are strangers to the victim.  Finally, all stalkers have to be missing a few screws, nuts, crazy, maybe a little off balance, in other words mentally ill.

What do I have to say to that? Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.  According to the Stalking Resource Center, annually 3.4 million people are victims of stalking.  Even though all 50 states and the District of Columbia, and most US territories have laws against stalking, only 37% of male stalking victims and 41% of female stalking victims report these events to law enforcement.  In addition, the Stalking Resource Center reports that 75% of all victims know their stalkers.  Of that percentage, 30% are former or current intimate partners or spouses.   Finally, the Stalking Resource Center states that while some cases of stalking involve a stalker that is mentally ill, there is no evidence that all stalkers are mentally ill. 

The Webster’s New World Law definition of stalking is: A form of harassment generally comprised of repeated persistent following with no legitimate reason and with the intention of harming, or so as to arouse anxiety or fear of harm in the person being followed. Stalking may also take the form of harassing telephone calls, computer communications, letter-writing, etc. See also cyber-stalking and harassment.

Stalking can have serious repercussions for the victim including changing jobs, residence, phone numbers, daily routines, and even their identities, in order to protect themselves.   In this day and age, stalking has a new method of mayhem, technology.  Caller ID, cell phones, GPS, website histories, emails, public record searches, and social networking are just a few of the new ways someone can keep tabs on you. 

For Teens, stalking takes on a whole new dimension.  While an adult being stalked can feel like a prisoner, they have certain freedoms teens aren’t usually afforded.  An adult’s stalker may not work at the same place they do nor do they hang out at the same place as the victim for 8 straight hours or more on a daily basis.  Since 75% of all victims know their stalkers it is safe to say that most teens also know their stalkers.  Where do teens spend most of their time 5 days a week? School.  Where do they know most of the people in their lives from? School.  The next likely conclusion, their stalkers also go to school with them.  Now, can a teen leave school at any time, change schools easily, or exert the type of control over their environment that an adult can?  Not likely. 

There in is the new dimension of stalking for teens.  Stalking for teens is more easily concealed from adults not just because teens are less likely to report but also because their stalkers blend easier, as they have to be at school also.  Combine this with the fact that the victim and stalker also may be in certain classes together and you have an intense pressure situation.  Then, in comes the technology.  Stalkers have texting, caller ID, GPS, and social networking, in addition to the rumor mill to keep tabs on their victim.  Friends can inadvertently pass along information to the stalker by just taking what they did over the weekend with the victim.  Or the stalker can see what is going on by viewing Facebook or MySpace pages.  This is especially easy if the victim does not know how to best secure their pages from prying eyes.  Even more scary, is even if someone’s page is totally secure and only viewable by their friends there is still a danger of access.

 Consider this scenario:  Jill and Dan were dating for 6 months before she broke up with him.  Dan is upset about the break-up and he just won’t leave Jill alone.  He shows up at her soccer practice, has 3 classes and lunch with her, and also rides the same bus home.  Dan repeatedly texts and calls Jill.  Jill and Dan have friends in common, friends like Ann and Jake.  Even though Jill un-friended and blocked Dan after the break-up she didn’t un-friend Ann or Jake.  Jake and Dan are hanging out at Jake’s place after school and Jake is not aware of Dan’s stalking.  So, Dan takes advantage of this by asking Jake about his Facebook account.  With some clever conversation, Dan is able to see Jill’s page again by viewing it through Jake’s account.  Now he knows what Jill is saying to people, where she is going, and possibly if she is interested in or seeing someone new.

So what is a teen to do?  Teens need to be made aware of the dangers of stalking via technological advancements and social networking sites.  They also need to feel like they can talk to a trusted adult without fear of having their issues minimized because they are, after all, “only teens”.  Stalking is a serious topic that has serious consequences.  Stalkers don’t often give up if ignored.  In fact, the direct opposite occurs.  Over time, the stalker’s behavior can escalate and become even more threatening.  It may feel nice, at first to have someone pay so much attention to you but it is never okay to stalk.  Seemingly innocent infatuation can be legally considered stalking and quickly become dangerous. 

As parents, trusted adults, advocates, and caregivers, we can become educated about stalking.  We can learn the ins and outs of it and what the legality is in the state we reside in.  We can teach our teens about the differences between innocent infatuation and a dangerous situation.  We can listen when a teen talks to us about what is happening and take it seriously.  We can educate ourselves and our teens about technology and how to safeguard ourselves.  If the idea of technology is scary, have your teen teach you.  It is a great way to open up a dialog and make sure they know how to keep safe.

Together we can end stalking by teaching our teens and we may even save their lives.

All of these statistics and additional information can be found at the National Center for Victims of Crime’s website, www.ncvc.org.   For more information about Susie Kroll and Teen Dating Violence visit www.susiekroll.com

Giving The Gift of Compassion

By Susie Kroll

 Bruises.  Emotional scars.  Depression.  Self-loathing.  Black eyes.  Shame.  Educating about Teen Dating Violence is a messy business.  No matter what, no matter how early I catch a child, I still meet victims.  They are either secondary victims of domestic violence in their household or they have already been a victim of teen dating violence.  The youngest that I spoke with was 10.  Her elementary school boyfriend shoved her for talking to her friends at recess instead of him. 

I know that the key to ending domestic violence and teen dating violence is combining reaction with pro-action.  We, as a society need to provide the means for victims to get safe, get help, and move on.  We need to punish abusers with more than a slap on the wrist.  We need to educate our teens and children so they know the signs of a potentially harmful relationship.  Then they can make safer, stronger, better choices for their future relationships and avoid needing these services at all.

I find myself pondering what parents can do besides educating their children and trying to foster the best possible healthy relationship example at home.  So what can we do?  What could help? Especially during the holidays, the word that comes to mind for me is compassion.  Compassion feeds the soul, saves the heart, and makes life easier for those whom it is given to.  

When I was growing up, one of the “requirements” for the holidays was to give to something, someone, somehow.  That didn’t mean a friend, family, or spouse.  It meant to a shelter, charity, bell ringer, Toys for Tots, or someone else in need.  The giving was either in the form of time or money.  As a high school student, I enjoyed working with the Festival of Trees and yearly food drives.  As I have gotten older, domestic violence shelters, cancer research, and literacy have also become a priority in my gift giving.  This “requirement” has become so much more rewarding and something that I look forward to doing every year.  It is no longer a requirement but a pleasure and I am grateful to my parents for teaching me this valuable lesson in caring. 

Parents can foster compassion in their children in many ways.  One of the most vivid for me was being reminded that I was lucky and shouldn’t take for granted, my home, family, or the fact that I had food on the table.  What better way to teach compassion than to teach teens and children to give of themselves to others less fortunate.  Buying a gift for Toys for Tots was just as important as giving a gift to my grandparents or parents.  It is easy, in this day and age to be focused on the latest and greatest technology, music, fashion or fulfilling any other self-want.  This is when it becomes even more important to slow down and be grateful for what you already have.  Someone will always be in a more difficult situation than you. 

Maybe everyone can start a new tradition this year or next.  When the holidays come around, find a giving tree, buy a gift for Toys for Tots, or donate your time to a local charity or shelter.  Make the gift of compassion and charity just as important as your list of gifts to give to family and friends.  You don’t have to save the entire world all at once.  But, small steps and efforts can lead to miles of change.

  

This may not be the single most effective way to end domestic violence or teen dating violence, but I do believe that it factors into being a well-rounded, decent human being.  Give to give not just to receive.  Give to those less fortunate; give even if it hurts a little.  I don’t advocate bankrupting yourself but if you can spare twenty dollars for the bell ringer or charity of your choice, do it.  A little self-sacrifice for those in need goes a lot further than 3 lattes for you.  It will pay in karma and soul.   Happy Holidays and even happier giving.

Teen-Speak!

By Susie Kroll

Parent (to their child): Sometimes I just don’t understand what you are thinking or why you are doing what you are doing.  Why are you acting like this?

Child (to their parent):  I’m fine.  I don’t know.  It is nothing.

This is a common conversation heard around the country.  It could be related to earning and F on a math test, not doing their chores, getting caught drinking or doing drugs, or about a really high cell phone bill.  Even still, it could be what a parent is thinking about their child’s behavior and actions and the hopeless answers they keep getting from their teen.  Some parents just can’t decipher teen-speak.  So, they assume that their child understood what they said and hope for the best because they really want to trust their child would tell them is something was really wrong.  

Having been a teen (pretty recently), keeping immersed in the teen culture, and talking with teens on a regular basis, I have learned something I feel is very valuable.  “I don’t know” doesn’t mean they don’t really know.  It means that they have a lot of thoughts swirling around in their heads, things they want to say but don’t really know how to articulate properly, they don’t want to sound stupid, get in trouble, and/or don’t think their parents would understand what they are going through.  “I don’t know” is the safe and easy answer.

Adults have a tendency to think that the “real world” is after school or college when one finally enters the workforce.  It is when someone has a mortgage, rent, jobs, and an adult relationship.  There is a tendency to think (or hope) that the romantic relationships their teens are having in junior high and high school are cute and innocent puppy love type romances.  It is about passing notes, saying I love you, holding hands, and making out at the movies.   As a speaker/educator about Teen Dating Violence I am always in junior high and high schools speaking to teens.  I also have the opportunity to participate in teen youth fairs, YMCA community events, National Night Outs, and other awareness events.  The kids in attendance are, on average, 9 and 10 or older.  More often than not my booth is met with opposition or at least rejection.  Here are just a few of the things that I hear on a regular basis.

“I don’t have to worry about that for years yet.”

“My child won’t be dating until they are 30.”

“Nothing like that would ever happen to my kid.”

“Don’t you think you’re presenting this stuff to kids that are too young?”

If they don’t talk to me, the parents’ body language says it all.  They read the banner, grab their kids’ hands, and hurry them past my booth.  Don’t get me wrong, my booth isn’t the most fun topic but I do put coloring pages out that say “Hands Are Not for Hitting,” candy is strewn everywhere, and have cool prizes for those that do come and talk with me.  Still, I see denial of Teen Dating Violence and its existence in their kids’ lives in 9 out of 10 faces. 

You must be wondering what my point is.  First, About 45% of girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured into either intercourse or oral sex.  (Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited-February 2005).  Second, About 57% of teens know someone who has been physically, sexually, or verbally abusive in a dating relationship.  (Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Unlimited).

If your kids are living it, then it is the “Real World.”  They are experiencing it and for better or worse they are making very adult choices.  More so, these choices are being made at a very early age.  Teens and tweens are learning from the examples set in front of them.  They learn about relationships from their peers, from the media, from their parents, from 90210, Gossip Girl, Teen Mom, and other reality shows.  Teens and tweens are entering into dating relationships as early as 6^th grade.  If they aren’t getting positive guidance from home where are they getting it?  And is it good advice?

Don’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.  Watch their behaviors and be involved in what your teens and tweens are doing.  Be a resource for guidance without lecturing.  Don’t be afraid to discipline your teen or tween but know when listening and guiding is more appropriate than grounding and punishment.  Your child could be acting out to get your attention, to show you what’s wrong because they don’t know how to tell you. 

Get educated early about Teen Dating Violence and educate your child so that you are proactive in their care.  Prepare them so they know what the signs of Teen Dating Violence are.  If they recognize them then good choices can be made before serious harm is done.  It is my goal to help end Teen Dating Violence with prevention rather than reaction.  It is much safer to have your child know what is wrong and right in a relationship and end it before it gets really bad rather than to hear they are in the ER or dead because they (and you) just didn’t know what to look for. 

Susie Kroll works towards prevention of Teen Dating Violence through education and awareness.  You can follow her blog, Teach Our Teens and Save Their Lives for up to date information.