Influences

By Susie Kroll

Today I watched an episode of the new 90210.  I was struck by part of the storyline.  There is a nerdy smart kid that likes one of the popular, rich, and self-absorbed main characters.  She is thin, pretty, popular, failing math, and could have her choice of guys.  She has found herself attracted to the nerd.  This nerd is short, wears glasses, is excellent at math, and loves science fiction.  In prior episodes they even make reference to the fact that her reputation would be ruined if her friends knew she liked a nerd.  So they agree to save both their reputations and keep their hooking up a secret.

She makes all kinds of assumptions about the nerd.  One is that he is inexperienced in bed.  Clearly, she believes that she is going to educate him about sex.  After their first intimate act, she basically said to the nerd, “Wow, you were great.”  Furthermore, she questions how a virgin could perform so well for the first time.  The nerdy kid then tells her that he is not a virgin.  She was shocked and asks how many times before her.  He replies, less than the square root of 64.  He says, “7.”  She is shocked and so was I. For me it wasn’t because he was a nerd.  It was because both of these characters are supposed to be seniors in high school-so they are probably supposed to be 17.  It is worth noting that while all of this was happening, these kids had chartered a private jet and flown to Cabo for their Spring Break.  It goes without saying that alcohol was readily available.  Additionally, the nerd finds out that his new flame is failing math and refused to have sex with her again until the studies and correctly answers all his math questions.

So why am I blogging about this?  If you remember from one of my prior blogs, the statistic from a Kaiser Family Foundation that stated:  76% of teens said that one reason young people have sex is because TV shows and movies make it seem normal for teens. 

Let us take this a bit further, so now we have moved from teens losing their virginity before they graduate from high school so approaching double-digit sex partners.  And the one approaching the double-digits is a math nerd.  If teens are emulating what they see on TV because it is portrayed to be normal then here are a few assumptions to consider.

1. If real teens don’t want to be considered nerds then do they need to strive for more than 7 sex partners before they graduate?
2. Does that mean that the popular girl has had more partners than the nerd?
3. Why does the show portray the only reason for her sudden motivation to pass math is so she can have sex with the nerd again? (Getting into CU is second on that list.)
4. Do all popular girls only respond to sexual motivation?
5. Why are the stereotypes of nerds vs. popular and over-sexed pretty girls reinforced?
6. How many of our tweens and teens are seeing this and thinking this is the norm and that’s what they should be doing because they lack the necessary guidance to make educated choices?

My list of questions could go on and on.  So what do we do?  What do you think?  Are you scared?  I am.

I Didn't Have a Choice

By Susie Kroll 

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

                          Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

As a professional speaker and advocate for Teen Dating Violence, I spend a lot of time in junior high and high schools.  Teen Dating Violence is a weighty subject especially for teens and parents.  It can be made even more volatile when parents aren’t the model of a healthy relationship that their children need to see.  When I go out to speak to teens and tweens I invariably meet kids who are stunned at one or more aspects of healthy relationships.  They seem mystified that it is a partnership.  Or that each person is free to have a life outside of their relationship.  More shockingly, is the fact that most aren’t surprised and have even experienced one or more aspects of a potentially harmful dating violence relationship; they even seem to be okay or resigned to these behaviors.  Some of these behaviors include being accountable at all times to their boyfriends or girlfriends or becoming sexually active.  I hear kids say, frequently, “I didn’t have a choice.”  This resignation to their situation also leads them to say, “I’m not happy, but what can I do,” and “Isn’t this how it is supposed to be?”

Today’s teens and tweens are constantly in pursuit of the next best thing that they think will make them happy, albeit I am not sure if they know what their happiness is.  But then again, do most adults?  Though I do know that at that age most seem to choose their happiness based on what their peers want or have mandated as the thing to have.  Sadly, it also seems that the happiness teens are seeking is and can only be in the form of a material object. 

As an advocate, I seek to have them learn about their own rights, choices, and individuality.  As an adult, I now see clearly, what pressures teens and I were under and how differently I would do things if I knew then what I know now.  Therein lays the eternal struggle; the inexperience of youth and the wisdom of age.  I want every child to learn about healthy relationships.  More importantly, I want each and every child to learn healthy independence and individuality.  I believe that one cannot be a successful and happy partner unless they are first a successful and happy individual.  A teen’s self worth is not defined by the material goods they have, the popularity they seek, or the romantic relationship they are a part of.  It comes from learning about one’s self, experiences, beliefs, and values.  It comes from what has made us sad, happy, angry, jealous, and joyous.  Ultimately, happiness comes from having the ability to choose.  A few of those choices could be choosing your job, religion, education, hobbies, hair color, friends, and activities.  We need to teach them about the responsibility that comes with choice, the consequences and positive outcomes.  It will transition nicely into making healthy choices in all avenues of their lives.

Anyone that is a parent or advocate for children can help foster healthy relationships by first fostering healthy individuals.  We can remind our teens and tweens that happiness is something you have to actively seek.  That it is more than the newest gadget, fashion, or phone.  Happiness is also taking the time to value what you have already.  We need to show teens and tweens that they have choices, opinions, and goals that have merit and value.  We need to show them that while on the path to seeking their happiness they must also remember that some of the joy in attaining happiness is also in the journey.