Continuing on the Path

by Todd Blumhorst

I can’t walk another step on this path. I am not sure how much more I can bear. We will never find answers. If you are a long term cold case homicide or missing persons survivor, then you have probably said one of these phrases or something very similar in your head on many occasions. The weight of the unknown can be a perilous path to walk and defeat is forever brooding over your head. The unknown is always there of your waking moments, jabbing you in the side to constantly reminding you of its presence.

I can relate to that constant reminder in the case of my missing sister. I have had to live in the unknown for 22 years now; that is over half of my life. I have had to do a lot of self-advocacy for our family due to many factors with the law enforcement agency in charge of her case. There have been many times when the cards were stacked against me in my continuing search for answers. There were many times when I wanted to just give up and stop looking for answers. Many nights I would toss and turn in bed wondering how much more would be added to my plate. People have often told me that God trusts us and only gives us what we can handle; I really wish God didn’t trust me so much if this is the case. How does one go forward when faced with mountainous obstacles placed before them to obtain case resolution? When you are the survivor of a long term case where either the killer and or the remains of your loved one remain unknown it becomes difficult to “move on” with your life. The thought of going forward is a terrifying concept for our brains to manage and process.

In my situation, finding a stable grounding was the first hurdle to overcome. I was 16 when she left us and I was already dealing with teen problems and then one huge adult problem was placed in all of our laps. We never imagined having to live this nightmare and my parents did a great job of keeping me on track even though they were blinded by grief. After a while, Veronica wasn’t really brought up around the house and this upset me to no end. I would try to talk about her but the grimaces I would get when she was mentioned gave me the feeling that I was imposing too much on people around me.

As the years passed, I grew older and became involved in a long term relationship; I had hope for some sort of salvation by being able to talk to my partner about Veronica. It soon became evident quickly that he didn’t want to listen to me about my sister either and was asked to not discuss her death with him because it made him feel uncomfortable. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do next because her case had grown cold by this point and no one seemed to care. In hindsight, it’s not that people didn’t care- it was that the pain was so deep that it instilled actual fear in the people of our community. It was when I moved to Tucson where relief came and I found Homicide Survivors. I was finally able to tell my story uninterrupted.

After some time of working on my own grief, I gathered the strength to push for answers in her case. It was out of sheer love for my sister and a sense of justice that propelled me further down the path. It has always been an uphill battle in her case but I always kept the main goal in mind: find her body and advocate for justice for her. Earlier this year I decided that since her case was no longer active I would need to reignite the case with a search. I secured a private organization that performs canine searches for human remains who agreed to assist us in a search. I directed them to a couple of areas we have always suspected to be a potential burial site. We went to the first location and it was quickly determined there were no human remains present; it seemed that another hurdle had been placed before me. We then went to the second site which was quite larger and got two hits within 30 minutes, hope was ignited again that she would soon be found. We are in another holding pattern presently while the leaves and ground in the area dry up and the team can arrange a grid search with more dogs. Hopefully this part of the path is upon us and we start down the path to justice for Veronica.

It is important to me to obtain justice for Veronica; just as you do in your individual cases I am certain. In those moments when doubt creeps into your mind and you feel justice will never come, take a few deep breaths and realize that you can only do your best and much of the situation is out of your control. The love you had for them will be your driver in seeking justice, but don’t beat yourself up should you encounter obstacles. What I have learned in this continuing journey is that our loved ones hear us and they know we are trying to balance the scales of justice. I may not get discovery of her remains or justice, but I keep moving forward and trying to reach that goal and my love for her will sustain me on this journey.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

Battle Fatigue: The War for Peace

By: Todd Blumhorst

We have been thrown blindly into a war in which we never wanted to fight. They entered our lives like a thief in the dark; they not only took our loved one, they also made a declaration of war upon our souls. Did they not expect us to react when they took our loved one from us? Did they think we would sit idly by and watch justice slip away? This was your Pearl Harbor, a blind attack from nowhere. You weren’t prepared for the horror, but you were forced to fight.

Sometimes it is a short battle for justice where someone is caught and the criminal justice system is able to secure a conviction and the person is sent away for a long time. Other times, it can be a very long and drawn out ordeal for those survivors seeking justice for their loved ones. For those cases that go unresolved for years, the toll on the survivors is devastatingly painful to endure. These battles can also have multiple fronts and you may feel like you are fighting in many directions. The perpetrator may be free and you battle the fear of retaliation. You may have a case that simply lacks any viable physical evidence; a battle with frustration can wear on one’s soul. In some cases, the police don’t work the case as they should for a myriad of reasons; the battle of apathy can be one of the most vicious on the survivors. How does one engage in these battles for months and years? How does one find peace when justice is absent? How do you maintain sanity in an insane situation? These are questions many survivors have asked many times before.

My war started on Thursday, September 20, 1990 in Mendota, Illinois when my sister vanished without a trace. She disappeared in a 25 foot span of space from our garage, where she parked upon returning home from work, to our home. In the initial investigation it was found that her boyfriend made self-incriminating statements that indicated he had murdered my sister. His comments could not constitute a confession because no body was found and there were no signs of struggle. The first front in my war was established. As her case made its way through the trenches of the legal system many mistakes were made and her case became political. Her case suffered further battle wounds as did the hearts of those who loved Veronica. Now I had 2 battle fronts going in this war. The case drug out for an inordinate length of time and we often went years with no word from the police but they would always say her case was being investigated actively when they were questioned about the progress. In 2004 a new investigator was placed in charge of her case, my 3rd battlefront was established. The new investigator dated my sister at one point and we as a family felt there was a conflict of interest since there was a relationship between the victim and the investigator. Rumors had spread around town that he was possibly involved in her murder which added to the stress of this war. I am still in the trenches of this war 21 years and four months later, I continue in my fight for justice for my sister.

Today, I consider myself a battle scarred veteran of this 21 year war. The devastatingly sad part is that I am not alone; there are tens of thousands in my position. We suffer from battle fatigue from our individual wars. Our scars are not visible on the outside; but if you could see our souls, then the scars would be blatantly obvious. We walk around as wounded warriors and many walk past us with no awareness of our wounds. How do we survive? How do we survive this war? How do we find peace when there is no justice? Survivor battle fatigue can wear one out both physically and emotionally. It can manifest into physical ailments and a high percentage of survivors suffer from chronic illnesses. The psychological trauma often has the power to change thought patterns and beliefs as well as the increase of psychological disorders such as PTSD and a state of constant hyper vigilance.

There is no easy answer to these quandaries many survivors face. The trenches of this war are filled with perils and obstacles. The only way to really get through this war is one day at a time. You are going to have many bad days, but you will also have good days. Realizing you don’t have a lot of control at this point is difficult to face, but it is the reality. Adding to your battle wounds by beating yourself up over areas you cannot control is a common survivor problem. Letting go of things out of your control will help you manage emotions much easier and it will reduce stress on your mind and body. Nature can be an effective healer to the human spirit; immersing yourself in the tranquility of nature will allow your mind to rest some from the busy world around you and give you a moment of peace. Cherishing those brief moments of peace is beneficial to your soul because it keeps hope for longer periods of peace alive. Helping others can help rebuild that human connection and trust; it can even be small acts of kindness that help ease your mind.

There is no magic trick that will ever totally erase the pain you feel from the devastating loss you have experienced. It is truly a battle in which you have been forced to face, but peace is possible. You will never be the same person and you will have a new reality to live in, but building new bridges and connections are essential for survival. If you are having debilitating psychological issues years after the homicide, you may also need to seek a professional for help. It is not a sign of weakness to see a professional; it is a sign of strength. Time alone will not heal your wounds; it is what you do with that time that matters. Your life was changed forever on that date but you made it through the ordeal, you may be badly scarred, but you have survived. Abraham Lincoln once said: “I am not concerned that you have fallen; I am concerned that you arise.” Mustering the strength to rise can be monumental, but it is possible.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

Liberty and Justice For All

This writer has a million examples of liberty and justice compiled over a long period of time. My blog is a microcosm of such examples written about over a year’s time. Ladyjustice will provide a short list of such examples below, focusing in on the Liberty and Justice part, in hopes that others may be interested in reading more….

LIBERTY: Bengali women are now able to escape human trafficking since their pre-teen years by learning job skills and making handicrafts to earn real wages versus the degradation of the sex trade.

JUSTICE: Pobitra, a job training program and Pokritee, a product design and development company, are giving women courage and the tools to escape this destructive way of life! Ten Thousand Villages, a fair trade retailer working with 138 artisans in Africa, Asia, Latin America and the Middle East showcase these brave entrepreneurs!

Visit: http://donnagore.com/?s=Ten+Thousand+Villages;U

LIBERTY: Daniel Hernandez, Jr, a former Upward Bound student had the fortitude and courage to act quickly to save the life of Representative Gabrielle Giffords during the murderous rampage in Arizona.

JUSTICE: Representative Giffords survives and continues to make progress in her recovery (In fact, a new book written by her husband and she will be published soon). Ladyjustice has a special place in her heart for the Daniel Hernandez Jr’s of the world and the Upward Bound Program in Imperial Valley California (the poorest county in the U.S.) LJ showcased this very program.

Visit: http://donnagore.com/2011/02/22/el-valiente-the-brave-one/

LIBERTY: As the hearts and minds of our nation were torn apart after the terrorist attacks of 9-11, one group took on the President and Congress, demanding action when they initially chose not to investigate.

JUSTICE:  Mary Fetchet, Founder of Voices of 9-11 provides comfort, support and advocacy to many, many victims and continues to lead the charge for lasting change!

Visit: http://donnagore.com/2011/11/02/mary-fetchet-%E2%80%93-a-911-voice-extraordinaire/

LIBERTY: A dignified woman and former social worker from Connecticut became a violent crime victim in an instant, 22 years ago when her son, on the brink of marriage was murdered so tragically and totally unprovoked by a narcissistic killer who spent years and years on the lamb, hidden by his wealthy family.

JUSTICE: After 22 years… using local, state and international resources, Addie Carone finally got a piece justice after Adam Zach, the perpetrator, was located via a family member in Mexico where Zachs had taken on a new identity, married and had children and a business. Zachs is now incarcerated for the first time in his adult life…. as well as his father for adding and abetting a fugitive.

Visit: http://donnagore.com/?s=Twenty+Seven++Minutes+for+Twenty+Two+Years+of+Agony+for

LIBERTY: Crime Victims are held hostage their entire lives by the personal violence experienced and any successive violence, as it often opens up the wounds. One of the best ways to deal with this is to attempt become healthier by advocating for others in the name of their lost loved one. Case in point: The Melanie Ilene Rieger Memorial Conference against Violence.

JUSTICE: Sam and Wanda’s daughter Melanie was a nurturing person and had aspirations of being a social work. Melanie’s ex-boyfriend had other tragic plans for her… plans of intimate partner homicide. See Ladyjustice’s tribute to their 15th conference in her memory, this past spring.

Visit: http://donnagore.com/?s=Melanie+Ilene+Rieger

Thank you for the opportunity to share!

With the help of all advocates collectively, may we continue to see more examples of justice obtained rather than justice denied!

To read more of Donna Gore's posts, and learn more about "LadyJustice," refer to her website: www.donnagore.com Donna is also a Featured Columnist for Here Women Talk.