Moving past isolation and finding peace

by Susan Jacobi

Isolation is one of the biggest feelings to overcome on my healing journey. It has taken me years to accept that I am not alone with my feelings, thoughts and actions as an adult survivor of child abuse.

It is hard to have conversations with anyone who doesn't understand the history of childhood trauma. It is hard to communicate the loneliness, the sadness, the desperation in trying to stay alive every day. Couple all those (normal) feelings with the shame of the abuse, the abuser’s consistent remarks of how no one would believe you and comments that belittle you on a daily bases and the isolation is sealed into a tidy package.

People don’t like to talk about suicide. I have had days, years where I felt suicidal every minute of the day. I think for many people, it’s not that they want to leave the earth, their friends or their life; I think it is because the pain, the loneliness, and the isolation are so gripping they don’t see another way out. I think that people who are feeling suicidal have conditioned themselves as that being the only option to escape their pain.

Here’s the kicker, it is not.

Each day brings us a choice to move forward. As an adult survivor of child abuse, the mental abuse inflicted on you now is what you do to yourself. You have the choice to listen to the lies your abusers fed you or to recognize those ‘voices’ in your head for what they are; lies from a liar and child abuser. It is a choice to remove the lies and isolation in your life. Sometimes it is not an easy choice. It takes focus and doing something you don't want to do and it is possible.

Consider all the years the abuser(s) had to brainwash their victim into believing they are alone, believing no one wants them or no one would believe them. If we spent the same number of years conditioning ourselves that people did want us, did believe us, I wonder what the outcome would be. I wonder if I would feel the same loneliness and isolation and shame that I feel now. I don’t think so.

Just for the fun, it is an interesting experiment and one worth exploring. We might surprise ourselves to find out people do want us, love us. As a special gift, we might even begin to move on from the trauma we experienced as victims of child abuse. Maybe, unexpectedly, we would begin to release ourselves and forgive ourselves and our abusers. It is worth a try.

Susan Jacobi is a radio show host, author, speaker and coach. Visit http://amzn.to/TJzgl2 to purchase her book, How to Love Yourself: The Hope after Child Abuse. Receive ‘100 Tools for Happiness’ when you sign up to receive her weekly ezine at www.conversationsthatheal.com.

The Forgiveness Question

By Neil Schori

Matthew 18: 21-22~

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Forgiveness is simple…at least until someone offends you. It has been said that when one person forgives another, he unlocks a prison door and lets himself out. I believe that because there have been times in my life that I’ve held grudges against another person and I’ve discovered that while I was busy fostering misery and bitterness and resentment, the objects of my wrath continued living life as if my feelings had no bearing on their lives. I would bet that you’ve experienced that in your lives, too.

But forgiveness has become convoluted. Abuse victims are often further victimized by being told that they are “unforgiving” because they don’t welcome back their abusers. The truth is that forgiveness has very little to do with welcoming back anything into our lives. It is simply a step that God expects us to take.

The best leaders lead by example and don’t expect someone under their authority to do something that they would not do. Jesus told us to be forgiving, because he is forgiving of all of our wrongs. And we show what we think of his grace by the grace that we offer others.

But there is another step in maintaining good relationships that has nothing to do with forgiveness, and that is reconciliation. Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness, but forgiveness can happen without reconciliation. So how does true reconciliation take place when great wrongs have been done in the context of our intimate relationships? That can only happen when the offender demonstrates true regret and a changed life. And that can only be proven over a significant period of time.

In the Gospel of Matthew 3: 8-10, Jesus had some harsh words for the religious leaders of his day~

Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.

What does that mean for us? It means that when someone hurts us and asks for another chance to be in our lives, that their sincerity (or lack thereof) will be demonstrated by how much their actions change toward us. The evidence (fruit) of repentance is changed behavior.

Abuse victims need to forgive their perpetrators. Abuse victims also need to be very slow and cautious and wise when considering reconciliation. Can it happen? Yes. But this is not to be hastily determined because your lives hang in the balance.

If you need help sorting through your particular circumstances, you can reach out to me. I’d be honored to help you.

Peace,

Neil Schori

neil@napervillechristian.org

Neil Schori is the Lead Pastor of Naperville Christian Church and takes an active role within the church to assist victims of intimate partner violence.  To learn more about Neil, please visit his website and blog:  http://neilschori.com

Live to Forgive

By Heidi Hiatt

Could you forgive and love the man who murdered your mom?

This is the question posed to visitors upon arrival at http://livetoforgivemovie.com/, the official site of the new Live to Forgive movie.

Dean Smith was 12 when his mother was murdered by his stepfather in Enumclaw, Washington. Haunted by this sudden and violent loss, Dean’s life became a self-medicated pit of despair until he realized that he would only be free when he forgave the man who took his mother from him.

Dean’s life transformed when he unhooked the emotional equivalent of several bags of cement from around his neck and gave them to God. He’s now the executive director of Live to Forgive Ministries and helps others learn how to let go of the heavy baggage that holds them back from the Creator’s best in their lives.

Information about the movie and trailer is available at http://livetoforgivemovie.com/. The Live to Forgive Ministries home page is http://www.livetoforgive.com/, and at that site you can find tools and information that can help you make a choice to forgive.

What is forgiveness? For those who have been physically, sexually, and psychologically violated, it can be the last thing in the world you feel you can possibly do. It’s natural to want to hurt someone who hurt you, and take from them as much or more as they stole from you. In doing so, though, we may become like them. Breaking down our self-control and morality may be the crowning glory of their violation of us, their utmost achievement, because not only have they hurt us, but they have convinced us to lower ourselves down to their level.

Many of us were raised with a skewed view of forgiveness that left us without proper boundaries and in positions where we could be harmed repeatedly. Some of us Protestants and Catholics were taught that forgiveness is not just turning the other cheek, but laying down and letting your head get stomped on until it bursts. We’ve been taught a wimpy type of Christianity that leaves us and our families wide open to attack.

Forgiveness is not rewarding evil behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting. You can forgive and not forget. In many cases people must be held accountable for their crimes and punished for their choices. You may need to put up major boundaries or cut someone out of your life so that they can’t hurt you or your loved ones anymore, but you can still forgive them.

In Dean’s case, he went as far as contacting the man who killed his mother to personally forgive him. I realize that’s not practical or wise in many cases, especially in cases of domestic violence. But you can forgive and not have contact with someone who’s likely to hurt you again. You don’t have to take your abuser back because you’ve forgiven them. Your abuser doesn’t need to be involved for you to forgive them. Forgiveness is a deeply spiritual process, and sometimes it’s something that stays between you and God.

It can take years before you’re ready to forgive someone. You may have people nagging you to forgive a perpetrator, which only makes you more resistant to the idea. When you finally reach a point where you’re ready to give your cement sacks to God, you might have to do it over and over and over again. Forgiveness can be a horrifically difficult concept to master, especially when the person who violated you still poses a threat to you and others.

Below I’ve posted some of my favorite quotes about forgiveness, because they’ve helped me realize what forgiveness actually is. It’s not the victim-blaming garbage that seemingly pious people use to guilt you into reuniting with an abuser, sociopath, or vampire. It’s not the fluff that people plaster on when they want you to control you and break your defenses down. Forgiveness is not passive; it’s active. It’s not constricting, it’s liberating.

To me it’s finding the strength and freedom to say, “There is no back. There is only forward.” It’s opening yourself up to what God wants to do with your life rather than keeping yourself chained to the hell that someone else caused you. It’s about making yourself available to help others out of similar situations.

Sometimes crime victim advocates, or passionate people in general, are told they that must be full of unforgiveness if they spend so much time writing and speaking about topics like domestic violence and sexual assault. T.D. Jakes says that sometimes God calls us to make our misery into our ministry, so it may not be unforgiveness at work in these cases.

When you’ve survived the horrors that an abuser, rapist, narcissist, and others have inflicted upon you, you are in a powerful position to help others. You’ve walked in similar shoes. You can stop the same wickedness from claiming more victims. Unforgiveness keeps you focused on how you can hurt the liar or pervert who violated you. Righteous anger, passion, and love can motivate you to change the world for everyone else and make it a safer place.

This is a fallen world, and God needs seasoned veterans who’ve been forged in the fires of affliction to, as the Proverb says, stand up for those who cannot speak for themselves and achieve justice for those who need it. The most qualified people to do this are those who have ended their own bondage and do not let past circumstances dictate their futures.

Dean Smith may not agree with everything that I’m saying, but I do know that his message and movie causes people to think about how they can achieve forgiveness. Forgiving is one of the hardest things in the world when you’ve suffered multiple injustices, lost loved ones, and been mercilessly used and abused. It can be so difficult to detach from the pain when the person who harmed you has gone about their merry, unethical way that will inevitably result in more damage to themselves and others.

But there’s a bigger picture. Everyone will have to answer for their actions the second they leave this earth. All of us. Even if you have to wait until the end of your life, God will give you justice. It will come. In the meantime, you can choose to shed the barbed net that your attackers have thrown over your head and walk forward into a better future that is ripe with possibilities. You can teach others to walk out of the shadows and into the light.

Even if you’re not ready to forgive someone– and I understand that– Dean’s movie may introduce you to a means of letting go when the time is right. Check out the trailer at http://livetoforgivemovie.com/. If Dean can go this far, you never know what you might be able to do with the unlimited resources of a forgiving Father behind you. He said that once you forgive others, He will forgive you, and could you imagine a more powerful kind of freedom than being set free from everything that’s ever gone wrong in life thus far?

Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering the prisoner was you.  –John Eldredge

Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me. –Archibald Hart

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. -Josh Billings

Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives. -Lawana Blackwell

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. -Cherie Carter-Scott

The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness. -William Blake

There is no use in talking as if forgiveness were easy. We all know the old joke, ‘You’ve given up smoking once; I’ve given it up a dozen times.’ In the same way I could say of a certain man, ‘Have I forgiven him for what he did that day? I’ve forgiven him more times than I can count.’ For we find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over and over again. -C.S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

When Abuse and Violence Can Be a Beginning

By Charles Moncrief

Gianna Jessen survived a late-term abortion attempt. I'll let her tell her own story.

I would like to tell you a different story, but please watch and listen to Gianna's story on this video first.

Now for a little housekeeping.

If you listened to the video, you heard from Gianna that she was a true victim of domestic violence. There is no reasonable doubt that Gianna was and is a living, breathing human being who survived infanticide at the hands of her biological mother. As a former fetus Gianna is a powerful member of the Pro-Life community.

Gianna is also a Christian, and she uses her experience of suffering as a platform to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

So I will stand beside her on both counts. (Did you expect anything different of an Anglican Priest?)

But that is not the story I want to tell here. I want to highlight two things that Gianna did in this video.

First, she forgave her assailants: her biological mother and the abortionist who prides himself on his work. Gianna’s biological mother looked her up and came to visit her, but Gianna had long ago forgiven her.

Second, though Gianna acknowledged her survival, even with lasting effects, she doesn’t define herself as an abortion survivor. Her self image is that of a child of God, fully aware that God has some reason for her to continue on this earth, and she is determined to fulfill that purpose.

These are the reasons I present this video of Gianna. For you. For me. Gianna’s story has something for all of us.

What sort of violence and abuse have you experienced? Whatever you have suffered, and at whose hands you have experienced violence and abuse, you are a survivor.

A big part of Gianna’s recovery was the absolute necessity of forgiving her biological mother. To the best of my knowledge the two are not reconciled. Please don’t mistake forgiveness as requiring re-entry into an abusive relationship. And don’t let anyone mislead you into believing that forgiveness means absolving someone of the civil and criminal consequences of the actions.

Just as Gianna forgave her assailants, you need to forgive your abusers. It is much simpler than it may seem, but absolutely critical to your survival. All you need to do is let go of any hate and resentment toward the other person or persons. When we hold onto those negative feelings, it is the same as eating poison and waiting for the rat to die. When we choose life, we choose life without the encumbrance of hatred and resentment. Please find a way, and again with help and support as necessary, to forgive and move forward with your life. You don’t have to forget, and you can still testify in court as applicable, but please lay down the burden.

And just as Gianna knows that she is a child of God and that her life has a purpose, you can take that same assurance for yourself. Whatever you’ve been through, it need not be an end; just as with Gianna, it can be a beginning. It may not be a starting point, but maybe a reset point in your life. Just as you acknowledge the reality and severity of your own experience, there is the greater reality that you are also a child of God. You also have a purpose, even though you may not know what that purpose is for your life. The possibility ahead is from surviving to thriving, and ultimately to a place where you can share your story and benefit others in their struggles.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Forgiving the Offender: Ready or Not?

By Randy McCall

Recently, I was contacted by a victim of crime who had some serious questions on the topic of forgiveness. They wanted to know why so many people and groups they associated with kept demanding to know if they had forgiven the offender yet... and if not, why hadn't they?

The victim wanted to know why it was so important to other people? After all, the victim was the one who had survived the offense, not these other people, many of whom were only vague acquaintances. Why were people continually questioning them on the issue?

The question made me sit down and do some serious thinking before responding to their question.

I've worked with a lot of crime victims over the years. I've seen many who came to forgive their offender, and others who never did. Some of those who chose to forgive describe the final act as one of release, of giving up a burden; some referred to it in religious terms, taken from their particular holy books.

In some cases, the person in question wanted to share their new-found sense of peace and wholeness through forgiveness with other victims. They did this by either becoming active in victim support groups, or by joining one of the many restorative justice organizations which exist to help victims.

Social scientists and psychological researchers who've explored the act of forgiveness by crime victims have found at least some evidence that those who reach the point of forgiveness experience less long-term psychological trauma, less physical illness, and may have a faster recovery period to the re-establishment of a normal life. You may find some interesting reading in the American Psychological Association's publication: Forgiveness - A Sampling of Research Results

Note I mentioned "the point of forgiveness"? Reaching a point where a person can forgive is a process, much like the grief process. Each individual is different, and each will react to the trauma of victimization in a different way. The time it will take a person to reach the stage in their emotional journey where they can choose to work towards forgiving will vary greatly.

I've heard the process likened to act of a high-diver; they have to climb to the point where they can take the plunge.

The victim must be ready to take the step... they cannot be coaxed, badgered or ordered into doing it before time; attempting to do so can easily result in a severe emotional backlash.

Unfortunately, our society tends to like simple, quick answers to problems. This is why I believe so many people asked the victim I mentioned in the first paragraph if they had forgiven the offender... because, to many people, it would mean the victim had recovered and was now "fixed".

Being presented with the evident benefits of the act of forgiveness -- social, psychological, and financial (a quicker return to a sense of normalcy means less use of victim support staff time and resources) -- there are some victim advocates who who simply add "forgive offender" to the list of things they recommend the victim do as part of the recovery process.

Now, let me be clear; I'm not saying a large percentage of service groups do this... but over the years, I've heard from a goodly number of crime victims who reported they were told they should/had to forgive the offender as part of their healing process.

A much larger number said that forgiveness was first offered as just a distant possibility, but after time they felt pressured to accept it, as they were repeatedly asked whether they had forgiven the offender yet. Some of these victims -- who were no where near forgiving their offender -- told their advocates they had, simply because they needed the emotional approval and further support of the advocate in question.

Forgiveness should be an option, a door which victims can open and explore when they feel ready. It should never be pushed at victims as a panacea, or in such a way as to make victims feel as though they are disappointing those helping them if they can't accept the concept.

Some people will never reach the point of forgiveness, and it is not for us, as victim advocates, to say this is wrong. Some of the most effective victim rights activists -- and wonderful, kind individuals -- I know are crime survivors who channeled their grief and anger into action and advocacy.

We must remember that victims have already had control taken violently away from once. We should not add to that loss of control by demanding, or applying emotional pressure on them, to accept something they are not ready and willing to fully embrace.

Will the “Authentic Self” Please Stand Up!

By Jillian Maas Backman

Some time ago the phrase “Authentic Self” began showing up in books, magazine articles, and of course, television.   My curiosity got the best of me here.  I could not resist browsing through piles of related text to see what “defining” and “discovering” and “reclaiming”  your authentic self was all about. 


As with any nebulous term, the representations and interpretations of this concept were as varied as the colors of the rainbow. However, I was able to find a common theme which connected the numerous discussions:  whatever the authentic self was, people assigned a high value to it.


I am living in my authentic truth.   I am my Authentic Self.
Authenticity arrives in your life when you can gather up all “yes” piles of experiences, all your “no” piles of not quite right experiences, sprinkle in a dash of personal, professional achievements, add a pinch of innate wisdom, shake together vigorously, and stand on top of this big heap of truth, and exclaim to the world I am this, and this is ME!


I share this whimsical description to demonstrate that the quest for living in authenticity is an ongoing process. There are no hard fast rules to follow, but rather guidelines for discovering an elevated version of you.  Your true authentic self already knows the way.  Whether you heed the calling or not is entirely up to you.


Take the first step:  Compile a list of Four Virtues that you consider to be significant and that pass your litmus test of truthfulness. 
My list is:  forgiveness, peace, love and activism.   Recognize that your list should be transitional, or change as you grow.  The list I would have complied when I was 25 years old is an entirely different set of aspirations now.
  
Authentic Virtues are Dynamic in Nature
We are obsessed with making lists in this country.  Every self- help book requires you to make a list and define a starting point of reference.   So why not review your “virtue list” and attempt to rank each virtue in importance from greatest to least.  I can bet, at this point, the task brings to light a whole new set of questions.  How can love be less important than forgiveness? They are of equal value on an authenticity scale of virtues.  All virtues are intermeshed with experiences.  Every experience carries a soulful lesson in each of the four categories.    I encourage you to work all four simultaneously.  Peace comes with love; love piggybacks authentic forgiveness, and so on.

I have spent countless hours with individuals who live with authentic intent.  One common thread I discovered in these people was the cultivation of a quiet mindful existence.  To nurture this trait in yourself, visualize a rushing river in your mind.  Then ask yourself the question:   what virtue do I need to work on today that will take me one step closer to knowing my authentic self?   Do you start on the river bank of forgiveness, the base of the waterfall of love, or on the stable rocks of peace?  Are you ready to jump into the rushing waters of activism with both feet and help others find their truth? 


Once you can tap into this river of peace, forgiveness, love and activism, it will become second nature to you; it will carry you for the rest of your life in truth.


How far do you go in order to live in your truth?
We live in a very competitive environment that fosters zero-sum personalities who view life as a game with clear winners and losers.  Our culture encourages natural competition.  This will never change, nor should it.  I, like many others, embrace my “inner competiveness.”   However, this does not mean it’s justifiable to run down everyone else in order to arrive at your “truth.”


Do not get the term authentic self confused with authentic selfishness! 
These terms are not interchangeable.  They are mutually exclusive of one another.  A life filled with egocentric intentions and actions is not worthy of the accolade associated with the term, genuine. No one is giving anyone permission to act as they want, do what they want, and treat others with ill-will, and then labeling this kind of behavior “authentic.”

There are ways to keep the inner seeker satisfied and stay tethered to your authentic truisms. 
Susan Murphy Milano is a shining example of this.  Susan has lived through a series of tragic events that could have separated her from her authentic self. Thankfully for the world, she chose a higher path.   Her newly released book, Time’s Up, is a culmination of hard-won life experience and truth in a raw, practical presentation that only Susan could convey.  You can sense the angelic force behind each and every placement of word, form, and detail.  This book demonstrates the last virtue on my list:  Activism.   This manifests at a time and place where your authentic self transposes to a global authentic truth.  That moment in time is today—for Susan Murphy Milano and Time’s Up, as well as for those who need this book to strive bravely toward their authentic selves!


Authentic mentorship is the path of least resistance, low cost with high rewards. 


In loving gratitude, Jillian Maas Backman
Author of Beyond the Pews (Spring 2010)

Regrets, Remorse and Redirection— Now Is Your Time To Live!

 By Pamela Chapman

 

Have you made some choices lately that you’ve regretted? How about some choices in your lifetime? I don’t know about you, but I have.  Is there any guilt or shame for your choices?

I was born to Robert and Louise who came from dysfunctional families. In turn, every weekend my mother and I ran for our lives. I promised that no one would ever put their hands on me. If they did, I was going to jail and they were going to the hospital if not the morgue. I swore no one would ever physically abuse me and they did not! Instead, I met, what appeared to be at first, a wonderful man who was very good to me from a material point of view. I lived in a lovely home, in an affluent neighborhood with my son going to fine schools. However, I was being abused emotionally and what’s even sadder, I was clueless.

Really, all the signs were there from the very beginning. I was treated like a queen but, everything I attempted to do was belittled. I was the brunt of my husband’s jokes. Gradually, I stopped believing in myself, stopped having my own opinion, and literally lost who I was. It all seemed so innocent at first. I thought it was even cute. However, when I decided to improve myself, when I decided to go after my college degree, that is when my husband came home telling me that he needed to find himself and that me and my eight-year-old child needed to leave. I refused. I wanted to “work it out.” My self-esteem as well as my child’s self-esteem suffered terribly. My son has paid a large price for my remaining in my unhealthy situation.

I started out asking if you had made some choices in your lifetime that you regret. Trust me; we’ve all made some choices that we wish we hadn’t.  But, if there is any remorse, may I gently suggest that you begin to discover how to forgive. Now, I know that’s easier said than done, but in order to go forth with your life not just existing but living a purpose-filled abundant life—in order to be free and to fly you’ve got to forgive starting with yourself. Not forgiving disallows the healing that must begin for your redirection. I believe it is the first step and is vital.

You can reconsider, re-chart and redirect your path. Absolutely! It’s never, ever impossible or too late. Only when you take the last breath will it be too late. It’s not necessarily easy but reach out and get the help and assistance you so deserve.

Here are three simple steps to start you along your way:

1. Every morning be grateful that you are yet alive and give thanks. This doesn’t have to be some long, eloquent prayer—just a simple, “thank you for this day,” will do. You may not be able to articulate what you feel, but the All Powerful Creator knows your heart.

2. Say this affirmation:

“Even though I have made some bad choices, I completely and fully love myself. I forgive myself and those who have sought to hurt me.”

This is an affirmation we use with Emotional Freedom Technique® coaching. Remember, forgiving others does not mean allowing them back into your life or giving them permission to hurt you and your precious family again. Forgiveness empowers You.

3. Begin to journal.

Journaling is an excellent tool for releasing penned up emotion such as anger, guilt, shame, and unforgiveness.

Write it, release it and be free!

There is no limit in you. You are the amazement and wonder of God! Be healed. Now is your time to live!

Warmly,

Pamela Chapman, CTACC, CDVS

Self-Esteem and Life-Transition Expert, Teacher, Author

Forgiveness: You Can’t Live Without It

By Charles Moncrief

I met Pumpkin at a wedding reception for Frieda, her grandmother. This five-year-old charmer had won the heart of Frieda’s new husband, Benny. He was a dear friend from high school days, and it was a blessing and a testament to our long friendship, that Benny had invited my wife and me to share their joy. We didn’t get to spend much time with Benny, since he spent most of the reception dancing with his adopted granddaughter.

Just two months later this joy was shattered when Frieda received a frantic call from her daughter, sobbing because Pumpkin had died in her bed. Frieda and Benny were grieved by the news that her precious granddaughter had died, but it was nothing compared to the next call that came before they could leave to be with her daughter. The precious child’s death was being investigated as a homicide. The whole family was devastated by this news, and an unimaginable drama began to unfold before them.

The child had been raped and strangled, and all signs pointed to a family member as the one who committed the crime. The police took Frieda’s oldest son into custody, and charged him with the rape and murder of her granddaughter. Frieda’s sadness turned to rage and hatred toward her firstborn son, while Benny did his best to comfort his new wife.

As Frieda’s hatred grew toward her son, she knew Benny was alongside her. But the closeness of their relationship suffered as she relived her son’s brutality. Every act of intimacy between Frieda and Benny became THAT act, causing a growing sense of helplessness on Benny’s part and a distancing of each from the other. Both of them knew that they’d come to a defining moment in their marriage.

Frieda had also gone to pre-trial court appearances concealing a baseball bat under her topcoat. She planned to beat her son’s brains out before being overpowered by the officers of the court. She knew that her life would then be shattered, but she felt that it would be worth the price, since her life had already been destroyed by her granddaughter’s death. What caused Frieda to be unsuccessful is beyond me; postponements, flat tires, and other obstacles to Frieda’s being in the courtroom with her son defy natural explanation!

A few weeks before the trial, Benny and Frieda received some wise counsel. The counselor said, “The way you respond to this tragedy can lift your marriage to new heights, or it can destroy your marriage, but the choice is for you both to make.”

Reaffirming their commitment required them both to be open to anything they needed to learn about themselves and their relationship. Benny learned where he had been strong in his support of Frieda, as well as some areas in which he had not been supportive at all. Frieda learned that she had to forgive her son, which meant rethinking everything she had been taught about forgiveness.

In what Frieda thus learned, she did in fact forgive her son before the trial began.

Throughout human history – religion, politics, art, literature, cinema, and even psychology – men and women of good will have misled others with their teachings on forgiveness. Many lives have been destroyed, even ended, by failures to understand what it means to forgive.

One of the most insidious examples of misleading is the pairing of the word “forgive” with “forget.” The person who says “It’s time to forgive and forget” likely means well, but he or she has never taken the time to examine the meaning of the expression. Such a person is implying that you aren’t truly forgiving unless you also forget. Tell this to Harry Whittington, the man who forgave Dick Cheney after the hunting accident. Do you really think he will ever forget that he was shot, and by whom? On an international scale, we have forgiven the Japanese Empire long ago for their attack on Pearl Harbor, but the event will never be forgotten. (This brings up questions of culpability, of whether the Japanese had truly committed a wrong, and a host of other subjects worthy of discussion elsewhere, while having no relevance to the subject of forgiveness.)

My operative position is that forgiving is not forgetting. In forgiving her son Frieda was not required to forget what he had done to her granddaughter, nor was she compelled to forget the details of the child’s death.

Forgiveness is not the removal of accountability. Frieda in no way failed to forgive her son when she testified for the prosecution. His conviction for capital murder was due in part to Frieda’s testimony.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation, a return to the vulnerability in which the violence had occurred. While this is impossible in Pumpkin’s case, it is so often a tragic misunderstanding that causes an abused wife to return home to her husband. This is where I want to get down on my knees before all survivors of spousal abuse and beg forgiveness for my misguided predecessors and colleagues who counseled them to return home after having been beaten even once. I again want to honor any hesitation on your part to trust me as a Priest. I agree with the decisions of many who chose not to re-enter a relationship in which they have been abused, and I believe they are not deceiving themselves when they say they have forgiven the abuser.

Forgiveness is not denial of the reality or the cruelty of the action. Forgiving someone does not make a person’s behavior acceptable when it was once unacceptable. The wrong remains wrong, irrespective of Frieda’s choice to forgive her son.

If we talk about what forgiveness is NOT, then how about considering what forgiveness IS?

Frieda knew that neither her son’s execution nor his life imprisonment would bring back her granddaughter. She was slightly longer in coming to the realization that her son’s punishment would not balance some cosmic or spiritual scale to bring her any satisfaction. It would have done her no good to have interviewed the family of a murder victim who found no comfort after having witnessed the execution of the murderer. She would have had to experience this herself, or she would have to have received the insight supernaturally. But this too is the subject of another discussion.

Frieda knew that she needed healing, and she came to terms with the three things that this healing required.

First, she learned one more thing about forgiveness. Forgiveness is just as valid in third person as it is in second. That is, Frieda could say “I forgive him” about her son and obtain the same effect as when she would say “I forgive you” to her son. This leads to the second and third points of understanding.

Second, she learned that in her rage and hatred she slammed shut the door to a prison cell. That cell was not her son’s, but it was her own. And she had slammed it shut from the inside. Using a different metaphor, Frieda was performing a lethal injection. She was not killing her son, but she was killing herself. She was doing this much more slowly than the state would have done with her son, but her death was just as certain.

The third point is that Frieda realized she held her freedom, and even her life, in her own hands. She alone could turn the key and open the door to the prison cell. By forgiving her son Frieda would release a prisoner, and she was that prisoner. In the other metaphor, Frieda alone could stop the lethal injection. By forgiving her son Frieda would shut off the flow of deadly poison into her body and remove the IV to begin the healing process.

I will happily report that Frieda’s is a success story. She and Benny are enjoying their life together, and they now reach out to individuals and families in need of recovery from violence, just because they’ve been there and know one of the great truths about living above the destructive effects of human tragedy.

While not all stories of forgiveness have such dramatic effects on those who forgive, the principles nonetheless remain solid. Forgiveness is simple release, letting go, and it is for your benefit. Don’t be deceived by the lies about projecting negativity toward the one you won’t forgive; you are the only one who suffers when you won’t forgive. And please don’t allow some well-meaning enemy to sow tares into these principles that would choke out the benefits that are rightfully yours to claim.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+