Restoration

by Charles Moncrief

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.

Joel 2:25 (KJV) 

The farmer in the Ancient Near East understood what was at stake every year at planting time. Whenever the harvest was lost to disease, weather, or pests, for the farmer the year was lost. And it was lost forever. There was no going back for a do-over. There was no making up for those losses in the next year. There was grieving for a loss that can never be regained, never recovered, never restored.

We know something of that mindset. In sports the quarterback wishes he hadn’t thrown the interception that killed the game-winning drive in the final minute. The coach tells the team some variation of “Put that loss behind you, we have to get ready for next week’s game”, but the players still have their period of grief.

In a marketing campaign the advertising executive wishes she’d given her mock-up to a colorblind man to review the packaging, rather than lose millions of dollars on a message that a sizable portion of the demographics can’t see.

At one time or another we’ve all wished we could take back or do over something that we really botched: that job interview, that gaff in the public speech, that letter to the editor. Actually, in less than a minute I’m able to think of several do-overs I’d like to have!

It’s fun -- unless you’re the quarterback or the ad executive -- to reminisce about those lost moments. But it quickly gets serious and ugly when the words and actions inflict harm. The losses become monumental when in the heat of the moment a spouse degrades a partner to whom was made a pledge of “for better for worse”. [In our marriage rite it’s not “for better or for worse” and not even “for better, for worse”; it’s ironclad.] How big is the loss? The well-known lament “I gave you the best years of my life” should provide a clue about the magnitude. The years lost to the devouring locust may suddenly echo in our hearts. It’s not only lost things; it’s lost years. And the only effective way of dealing with it is to move forward.

Putting the past behind us is never easy.

Recovering what we’ve lost in the past is even harder; and the more we try, the more it robs us of present joy. The more we obsess with vengeance, even in its mildest forms of guarding against future hurts, the more it robs us of our effectiveness at moving forward with our lives.

Returning to the agricultural imagery of the Ancient Near East, the farmer knows that lost years can never be restored. “Restore the years”? That’s impossible!

Here’s where I see amazing power in the prophecy of Joel, for the ancient farmer and for us today.

GOD SPECIALIZES IN THE IMPOSSIBLE.

Lost years are restored. Lost lives are rebuilt. Lost souls are regained.

With man, it is impossible; but with God all things are possible. 

Matthew 19:26 (KJV) 

Grace and Peace,

Charles+


Anglican Priest, Charles Moncrief, serves up the issues of the day on a platter mixed with scripture, seriousness, and a sense of humor to create a ministry founded in love for his fellow man.


“I’m an Anglican Priest, disguised as a geek during the week. It’s REALLY tough to change my costume, since phone booths are getting hard to find!”

Recovery Without Justice

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

At the heart of the victims' rights movement that I was involved in during the 1980's after my father's murder was the concept of judicial justice which would lead to psychological justice. It's a great concept and in a perfect world it would work in all situations. If you were wronged by the pathological person (physically hurt, conned out of money, screwed up custody situations, infidelity, spiritual abuse, etc.) the pathological would be held accountable in the courts for his behavior and more importantly, he would be forced into victim restitution in which he would have to repay or do something as a sign of his guilt and your pain.

Restitution, in and of itself, really doesn't heal anything. It does, however, make the victim/person harmed feel like the scales of justice changed.  The scales, which once grossly tilted toward him, now tilt in the victim's direction. For a brief moment in court, and for however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty.' Everyone knows he was charged and found guilty; now he is 'paying the price' for his actions. For a brief moment in court, a judge believes the victim! He believes the monster really did what the victim said he did. That, in and of itself, is often the psychological justice that victims really look for, and it helps them to heal.

In the case of murder trials, which I often attended, the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is either physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns from the monster to the victim's family.

The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtrooms and chambers, hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say most cases, that's not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, and children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted or otherwise an inept parent.

He continually violates the rules, but the court does not impose sanctions.  He doesn't pay child support, but his visitation continues.  He does not pay alimony, yet the court does not make him pay it.    He conned/stole thousands of dollars from you, but the court does not make him pay it. Your legal bill skyrockets as he does not pay what he has agreed to pay or been ordered to pay. Taking him to court again and again does no good; the pathological continues his behavior. The judge does not see past the expertly-crafted mask to the pathological's true nature-he gives him the benefit of the doubt, thinking him normal. Even when the court does order compliance, it does no good: the pathological laughs at court orders. You stand by, mouth gaping and wondering "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"

I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the pathological's benefit. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be them. The universal scales of justice tilt in his favor. Ironically, this somehow influences the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work I have seen pathologicals literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the 8th Wonder of the World -- how pathologicals con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.

In these cases, women's hopes for justice, connected to their psychological healing, are dashed. The scales of justice will never be balanced -- she is not vindicated in the way that helps her heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he rarely pays the price. If he is suppose to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is suppose to go to jail/prison, it's postponed or over-turned. If custody is denied, it's later granted by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.

Victims' rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice doesn't play out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to vindicate her -- her moment in which the conscience of this country believed her -- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victims heal, now what?

I sternly tell victims of pathological relationships that they must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair'; the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live that as a concept, and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, you will have to recover without judicial justice. Without victim restitution. Without the conscience of this country validating your story.

You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge their recovery on judicial justice or waiting for her day in court, or 'when he gets what's coming to him' will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor, and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victims rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he did to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.

In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see yourself as a victim of the situation, you won't recover until you move past that view. If you see the situation from a different perspective - horrible things happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward -- with or without justice.

The most unfair situation is what you have lived through and the aftermath of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable spirit of recovery that can guide you to not only survive, but thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.

When Abuse and Violence Can Be a Beginning

By Charles Moncrief

Gianna Jessen survived a late-term abortion attempt. I'll let her tell her own story.

I would like to tell you a different story, but please watch and listen to Gianna's story on this video first.

Now for a little housekeeping.

If you listened to the video, you heard from Gianna that she was a true victim of domestic violence. There is no reasonable doubt that Gianna was and is a living, breathing human being who survived infanticide at the hands of her biological mother. As a former fetus Gianna is a powerful member of the Pro-Life community.

Gianna is also a Christian, and she uses her experience of suffering as a platform to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

So I will stand beside her on both counts. (Did you expect anything different of an Anglican Priest?)

But that is not the story I want to tell here. I want to highlight two things that Gianna did in this video.

First, she forgave her assailants: her biological mother and the abortionist who prides himself on his work. Gianna’s biological mother looked her up and came to visit her, but Gianna had long ago forgiven her.

Second, though Gianna acknowledged her survival, even with lasting effects, she doesn’t define herself as an abortion survivor. Her self image is that of a child of God, fully aware that God has some reason for her to continue on this earth, and she is determined to fulfill that purpose.

These are the reasons I present this video of Gianna. For you. For me. Gianna’s story has something for all of us.

What sort of violence and abuse have you experienced? Whatever you have suffered, and at whose hands you have experienced violence and abuse, you are a survivor.

A big part of Gianna’s recovery was the absolute necessity of forgiving her biological mother. To the best of my knowledge the two are not reconciled. Please don’t mistake forgiveness as requiring re-entry into an abusive relationship. And don’t let anyone mislead you into believing that forgiveness means absolving someone of the civil and criminal consequences of the actions.

Just as Gianna forgave her assailants, you need to forgive your abusers. It is much simpler than it may seem, but absolutely critical to your survival. All you need to do is let go of any hate and resentment toward the other person or persons. When we hold onto those negative feelings, it is the same as eating poison and waiting for the rat to die. When we choose life, we choose life without the encumbrance of hatred and resentment. Please find a way, and again with help and support as necessary, to forgive and move forward with your life. You don’t have to forget, and you can still testify in court as applicable, but please lay down the burden.

And just as Gianna knows that she is a child of God and that her life has a purpose, you can take that same assurance for yourself. Whatever you’ve been through, it need not be an end; just as with Gianna, it can be a beginning. It may not be a starting point, but maybe a reset point in your life. Just as you acknowledge the reality and severity of your own experience, there is the greater reality that you are also a child of God. You also have a purpose, even though you may not know what that purpose is for your life. The possibility ahead is from surviving to thriving, and ultimately to a place where you can share your story and benefit others in their struggles.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

Recovering What Was Lost

By Tanya Warrington

Recovery.  A popular word for those recovering from substance abuse, and a very appropriate word for those of us who are reclaiming what was lost from being abused. Abuse destroys so much. The abuser rips away our safety, throws aside our dignity, and pummels our self-worth. He or she intentionally takes without giving because it helps him or her get what they want, increasing his or her sense of power and pleasure. I’ve done lots of study on why abusers do what they do, but it is still difficult to understand with my heart. I just can’t fathom ever wanting to do to another the things that have been done to me. I doubt you can either. Thank goodness, our healing journey of recovering what was taken away from us does not require us to fully understand the abuser.

Each person’s recovery is unique but there are some parts of it that we all must walk through. Before we can get very far, we must acknowledge the pain and damage that we carry inside even though we’d rather not.  We’re good at shoving that pain out of sight and ignoring it. At least we think we are. But others around us still see the pain they see it when we eat too much to comfort ourselves, or we work excessive hours, or we spend more money than we have. They can see our pain in the way we are so reluctant to trust others or in the ways we try to be invisible or in the way hide behind baggy clothes. Or for some of us, we give ourselves away by the way we try to control everyone and everything so that we won’t feel powerless again, or the way we wear provocative clothing and hang around dangerous people to prove that we are the ones choosing our plight, or the way we start arguments with our abuser to get abuse out of the way for this week or day.

The pain is frightening. It feels overwhelming. If you look at it, it feels like it will be your undoing—that you’ll never stop crying or raging, or maybe both. For years, it literally felt as if my world would come to an end if I opened my Pandora’s Box of pain. I eventually opened that box anyway because the pain of continuing as I was became as big as the pain shoved away. I became willing to see where new ways would take me because the old ways weren’t serving me well. In hindsight, it is funny to see that indeed my world did end, sort of. My world of feeling worthless and trapped ended. My world of living in constant fear ended. My world of feeling helpless and hopeless ended.  And I am the better for it. Facing the memories that horrified me released me from my prison and enabled me to begin creating a world that was far better.

After the initial trauma of acknowledging what happened to you there comes a period of counting the cost. What was lost in the abuse? For all of us did indeed lose important things that we would like to recover. At first, denial and minimization try to convince us that nothing is missing or that it didn’t matter much anyway. But don’t be fooled. Yes, it hurts but it is important to see the damage. If your home was burglarized and ransacked, you would be asked to examine your home and identify what damage was done and which items were stolen. If you refused, then no one could help you to search for the lost items or to help you fix the damage. So you take a deep breath and you begin to look around. Just as burglars tend to take jewelry, money, and electronics, so too there is a list of items that abusers tend to steal. Upon examination you will probably notice that your general trust of humanity is gone. Now people are potential threats, possible abusers in hiding. The world that used to feel like a generally safe place doesn’t feel safe anymore; it feels unsafe. Your image of yourself is changed. You look in the mirror now and see someone who is too weak to prevent abuse, too dumb to recognize abusers, too foolish to earn safety. Or if not these descriptors, then some other unattractive quality is seen to be at fault. By the very nature of abuse, victims struggle with feeling guilty and responsible for the crimes committed against themselves.  It isn’t logical to the mind, but it is reality to the heart. And so we must do an inventory of our warped perceptions that point to what is missing.

Looking at what was stolen isn’t fun, but it is part of a new beginning. We discover that we can’t get was taken back from the abuser. Just as so many house burglaries and investigations do not return the original belongings. But that is not the end of the story. In real life, life goes on after the burglary. Sometimes so slowly, at first, but then, eventually, returning to normal, or more accurately a new normal. New items are purchased to replace the stolen items. New locks or gates or security systems are installed to cut down on the likelihood of a repeat performance.  All this is done not by the thief, but by the one who was stolen from. Just so, the abused one is responsible for replacing what was lost and securing boundaries to protect her or his own safety in the future. It is our job to give ourselves the good things that we lost or that our parents never even helped us have in the first place. Even people who haven’t been abused must do this work, just not as intensely and not as pervasively as an abuse victim. It can help to remember that when self-pity threatens to bog us down. We are not alone. Others have to work on their interpersonal boundaries, others need to consciously build up their self-esteem, and others need to consider safety issues. We can do the work of recovering what was lost.

Along the way, the choices we make as we go about replacing what was lost bring joy.  Living in this very moment joy. Discovering that we can make wise decisions joy. We’re growing and discovering new things that we like type of joy. Just as the burglarized victim might upgrade her sound system after a burglary and wonder why she hadn’t done so years ago is blessed, so too we can make upgrade choices that pay us back in joy for years to come. We can choose better things than those that were lost. We can choose realistic expectations with joy-filled hopes. We can choose an honest evaluation of ourselves at the present and we can choose to practice behaviors that will help us to become someone better, someone we like better. We can choose to rid our lives of abusive relationships and we can choose to fill our lives with supportive, loving relationships. We can choose so many good things for ourselves once we start choosing and find out what possibilities exist.

Healing isn’t an easy journey. Recovery is not a smooth flat road. It is bumpy and hilly. But it is more than doable. Recovery is truly possible. I know it to be true because I’ve been recovering and I’ve met many other courageous women and men who are recovering too.

If you’re already in the process of recovering, keep on going fellow sojourner. If you’ve been feeling stuck, take hope in knowing that you are not alone. Others walk in your same path. Also remember that help is always available. You can seek professional counseling or you can attend a recovery meeting or support group in your community or on the internet. If you realize that you’ve been the victim of abuse but hadn’t begun recovering, be encouraged. Just reading this article can be part of recovery. Just admitting that you were abused is part of recovery. Be strengthened and keep on trudging. There are many good books you can read, trustworthy people you can share your story with, and many available resources. You can recover.

Tanya Warrington is the author of the blog Dazzling Wings.