Love Does Not Cause You To Bleed

 By Gaetane Borders

Is it possible that parents no longer know how to discipline their children? Maybe something happened within my lifetime that caused a major disconnect such that I simply cannot relate to anything I see, hear, or read lately.

Here’s the source of my current rant:

A month or so ago, a news report surfaced because there was an online video showing what appeared to be a young father who was so upset by his son’s misbehavior at school that he shaved the boy’s hair and eyebrows, spanked him with a belt, and forced him to do exhausting exercises. He filmed the entire 7 minute and 44 second clip and posted it on social media sites. The sad irony is that this parent did this as a means of showing other parents how to properly discipline their own children. I was disturbed by what I heard. The video is difficult to watch.  However, despite the disturbing contents of the video…I have to say that it’s the nation’s reaction that shocked me most. (I’ll get to that a tad later)

The man in the video is identified as Devery Broox. He is not the boy’s father, but has been described as being his "mentor." Orlando, FL officers arrested him after learning about the video via a tip originally received by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. While the 7-year-old boy initially claimed that marks and scars on his legs were caused by a bicycle accident, he later “disclosed that Devery ‘whips’ him ‘all the time.’” The child told the police that “Devery made him tell the story about the bicycle because ‘he don’t wanna’ go to jail.’”

I am sharing the video below for you to view, but I do want to caution you that it is not safe for work or for children. It contains extremely foul language and violence.

Now....Here’s my rant:

Of the two people in the video, who do you think people are defending? The 7-year-old you say? Well, that would make too much sense. In fact, it is Broox who people are passionately defending online and at the water cooler. “A parent can’t beat their kids [expletive] anymore without the government getting involved!” an angry listener said when she called into a radio show. Again I ask, what happened in the world that causes confusion between discipline and abuse. Those arguing in Broox’s defense say that the incarceration rate of Black men is the reason why such “discipline” is important. They go on to say that this will help young black men because it will make them successful and productive citizens. I vehemently disagree!

Violence begets violence…ALWAYS. Fear and intimidation does not set a healthy framework for relationships! A child is supposed to feel safest at home. A child is supposed to feel comforted by a parent’s touch. Appropriate discipline cannot occur when a parent is enraged. Leaving scars on children means that you caused them to bleed! How does that show love? Condoning “Beating a Child’s [expletive]” is wrong….simply put. 

So where do you stand on this issue. Did this mentor offer appropriate discipline, and should his self-help parenting video be viewed as good training material for parents? The comments below are just some that were posted in the abuser’s defense. Do you agree with them?

Gaétane F. Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods, an organization that helps to spread awareness about missing children of color.  She has dedicated her life to helping families and children, and is a noted child advocate.  Gaétane often lends her expertise to various media outlets such as CBS, CNN, and FOX.  In addition, she frequently contributes to magazines and newspapers.

• When did disciplining a kid become a crime? He may have went a little overboard with the eyebrow shaving but come on, he just teaching the kid to act right or get faced with consequences...Soft world we live in.

• I support the Mentor. Was it extreme? Yes. Will it leave an impression on the young boy to get his act together? Yes. All this is showing is that parents lose their rights to raise their children.

• I know this guy PERSONALLY! Devery is a very nice man he is a mentor and helps boys in the community along with a group of guys I went to college with. He isn't cruel person nor evil and ten years is to the EXTREME. I am going to make sure I go to the courtroom and support Devery because he is somebody who cares about our youth and in the black community we all know that this form of discipline is 100% normal and most of us were raised this way. We are not dead and are parents are not in prison. Those whoopings we got saved many of our lives. I don't get it that you cant whoop your kid with a belt but cops can break your bones with night sticks, tazer you or shoot and kill you. What sense does that make?

• If this child grows up to be a prison bird or terrorize society they will look at him as another black child gone wrong. Now someone is trying to right his wrongs early on and its a crime. I hope next time it isn't made public but when this same black boy goes astray because he does not have a mentor you all who are against the punishment will be looking to point fingers again.  He was retarded for posting it.... That's all!

• Mentor, father, caretaker...young black boys especially need someone to discipline them. This is evident by how many are winding up in juvenile facilities and the penal system in general. While I believe that whipping with a leather belt is extreme, cutting the boys' hair and maybe his eyebrows is not that extreme. Hair grows back but you can't erase a felony conviction. Making him run sprints and doing the duck walk and push ups my impress upon the boy to get his act together and straighten up in school. Parents and guardians need the support of the systems to reinforce discipline and even suggest non corporal, effective ways to turn kids around in their behaviors before it becomes too late.

• See this is what’s wrong with the world today....they gone punish a black man for actually giving a damn....he could not be there, and not even care...and then the child would be just another statistic...another want to b thug, in jail, 2 3 babies he not taking care of.. letting the cycle continue. Somewhere the cycle has to break with our youth. My granddaddy whooped my a*s, my uncles, my momma, even my grandma....not to make me tough to learn some damn discipline and some respect..for elders..and for people trying to teach you something..but I guess some of you rather have rappers be role models..i don't understand..somewhere in the last 10 to 20 years we lost it...kids have no fear..no respect...no tradition....then some of you have a nerve to complain about it....its a shame...make that boy do some push ups....sprints..cut grass all that...and then whoop his a*s.....i bet he wont go in that class room no more acting a fool...respect that man for stepping up because half of yall wouldn't even give that boy a time a day...so shut up.

• I don't have a problem with what was done. So many people come to the boys defense by saying "this poor innocent kid..." If he was so innocent, he wouldn't have been acting a fool in school. So often we as a society talk about the problems with children now a days, and so often do we forget how things were back during the times when children were better behaved. Times when most children had a basic level of respect for adults, and those that didn't were taught a lesson. There was a time in our history where teachers and other school officials were allowed to spank kids. There was a time when if a child got in trouble at school, he would get a beating from the teacher, neighbor, mailman, corner store owner and stranger before having to answer to his parents. Now a days, kids are terrorizing society with their reckless behavior.

When Family and Friends Compromise Your Security

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By Lyn Twyman 

Many of us are brought up with the belief that we should be able to trust our family for everything, our safety, security, emotional and physical well being but for some of us, the family has proven to be the most hurtful and even most dangerous battle ground we will ever encounter. Survivors and family violence advocates can attest to this all the time, making it almost become a myth that the family is the safest environment. I've talked to many people who have shared their deep, painful pasts about loved ones, mothers, fathers, siblings and spouses who have betrayed them through abuse. When a family member abuses you, it becomes an unsettling, traumatic experience to say the least. We feel that we can no longer trust others and ask ourselves how can we ever trust others again?

So what happens if you ask for help or just mere moral support from a family member to get you through or even after the abuse, only for you to learn they too cannot be trusted, that they actually went to the abuser and disclosed private information about you? At that point you don't know all that has been said but through some event, you learn that this once trusted family member has indeed betrayed your trust and with the abuser of all people. This revelation burns at your core and eats away at you, perhaps making you feel vulnerable. It makes you wonder if they ever believed you in the first place. It re-victimizes you.

Whether the offending family member ever believed the abuse did occur or not does not matter at this point. You now have an obligation to yourself to remain physically and emotionally safe from any further abuse. You also have to wonder how many people have lost their lives to abusers, not because the system failed but because family members failed and failed miserably, either by calling the abuser, writing them or even befriending them on social media sites, disclosing personal information about you. What I have found about people who are so willing to go to abusers, and violate your trust as the victim, is they are often susceptible at being manipulated and victimized as well. In this case, they have been manipulated by the abuser, charmed into gaining the abuser's trust so the abuser can acquire more information about you. All the abuser wants to do is continue his bondage and control over you and the family member is allowing themselves to be used as a tool.

Abusers rarely stop abusing; they rarely stop victimizing and abuse is like an addiction. If you take away the drug of abuse, all the abuser wants is to go back and abuse more. They get an adrenaline high from controlling and hurting the object of their abuse, the victim. Abusers never completely let go and let's face it, someone who has lived their life in attempts to psychologically and physically control others isn't just going to give it up. It's an addiction.

So, as a survivor, you've worked hard to get away from this abusive person and you're thrown this curve ball by a family member you thought you could trust who goes back to the abuser and discloses information about you, your whereabouts, address, pictures, updates on your lifestyle, work, new friends and acquaintances, etc. What do you do? How do you handle this? With all cards put aside, now you are left with a dynamic  shift in your relationship with the family member or even friend. There are four things I want to share that I believe may help you:

1. Remember your safety is first and foremost - When someone discloses personal information about you to the abuser, you can never guarantee from that point on what that person says is truth. You can only assume and assumptions are not good enough when it comes to your life. Take all necessary steps to find out as much as you can from the family member in terms of what they repeated back to the abuser. From there take the necessary actions to be extra cautious, either way. Change your phone number, email address, driving routes, ask for a schedule change at work if possible, increase security at your home or even move. You may have to notify a neighbor to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity and don’t neglect to notify your local police depending on the severity of your circumstance with the abuser.

2. Remember you have a right to your privacy that not even the police have the right to disclose your whereabouts - The family member who chose to share personal information about you has taken a liberty upon themselves that even the police nor a private investigator cannot do under law and that's disclose someone's whereabouts and other data without that person's consent or without a court order. What the family member did was wrong and there is nothing that can justify it. Whether the breach in your privacy occurred because of their lack of judgment or because of malice does not matter. Again your safety is first and foremost beyond their motives.

3. Give a written warning and perhaps a verbal warning to the family member or friend - Let the family member know what they did was wrong, they are not to divulge personal information about you and if you have warned them before about your right to privacy, remind them again. State specifically, ‘I do not want you sharing my information to anyone about me without my consent, not even to people you believe I may know and not even to my abuser.’ Also let them know that if you are hurt as a result of their actions with the abuser or the abuser’s acquaintances, they can be held legally responsible for your endangerment.

4. Distance yourself from that family member or friend who breached your trust - It's obvious they lack the necessary concern, discernment and care they need to have for your situation so again, for your safety, it may be more than wise to eliminate any further communication with the family member. As mentioned before, you may have to change your phone number, email, work schedule, etc.

The scars left behind by abusers run deep no matter if the abuse was physical or non-physical. NO ONE has the right to make any decision on your behalf, especially when it comes to your personal and private information. Be careful who you speak with and what you say to them or what you post online, even to family members. Know that your life, happiness and well being is precious and extremely valuable. No one has the right to take that away from you and you have rights even when it comes to family.

Chip StClair - Hero to all the “Children of the Secret”

By Cherry Simpson
As I began to read Chip St Clair’s book The Butterfly Garden I found I couldn’t put it down. It’s a story, you wish wasn’t true, about a little boy whose life was hell on earth. It’s a miracle Chip survives his life on the run with his neglectful, murderous monster of a father. He not only overcomes the pain, the sorrow, and the near death experiences, but Chip fights to put killer dad back in jail where he had escaped from, for the murder of a child. Chip then goes on to investigate this child killer. Was this monster, Michael Grant, really his father or had Chip been kidnapped? Chips birthday was August 1 it was also the day Michael D. Grant stomped, kicked and pummeled the two little Ingersol boys. Killing Scott age 3 and leaving Tommy age 5 barely clinging to life.

The book unfolds with murder and abuses so dark, the reader fears at any moment the child might be lost. I wanted to help him and I heard him say to me, “I have a terrible secret?”

In my mind’s eye I could see this little boy, with sad eyes and mousy brown hair, who would stand in a way that made him smaller. The pit of my stomach ached at every foul name thrown at him, when he was hit I flinched, I was afraid for him each time he hid and tears fell down my cheeks. But then I began to cheer for him as he escaped death; I was amazed at how courageously he went on.



Chip found relief by losing himself in reading, music and art. His favorite poem was Invictus by William Ernest Henley. Chip credits this poem as part of what saved him from drowning in Lake Michigan after his father had thrown him into the cold water abandoning him to drown. He was only ten years old and though he was a good swimmer at the local pool he’d never seen such deep dark swirling water. Yes, I was praying for him, even though I knew Chip is alive and well. I couldn’t help but thank God for saving this little boys life.

In a wonderful narrative voice Chip takes you into the life of an abused child beyond all imagination, escaping his childhood prison into his adult life, where he is Master of his fate and Captain of his soul.

In reading his book Chip St Clair has captured my heart and I now have the understanding of child abuse from the child’s perspective. Children innately love their parents and are confused when they abuse them - the children believe they have somehow caused their own abuse. Sadly at the cost of the child, many families do whatever it takes to preserve their "dirty little secret."

Chip now dedicates his life to helping abused and neglected children as founder and executive director of the St. Clair Butterfly Foundation that helps children heal through the creative arts and literature.

St. Clair is also director of the Michigan chapter of Justice for Children, where he has made tremendous strides in aiding children caught up in the nation's distressed child welfare system. He's worked on legislation with father turned advocate Marc Klaas and the Klaas Kids Foundation.

This summer put his book, The Butterfly Garden, on your list of must-reads. Make sure your library has it and the schoolteachers are aware of it. Become an abused child’s hero and help end the cycle of violence.


A video anthology of TV interviews by author and child abuse activist Chip St Clair, telling his remarkable story as background to his book, The Butterfly Garden (HCI Books)

Legal System For Victims of Family Violence is Like Shattered Glass

By Susan Murphy Milano

Most of us who hear stories on the news about domestic violence tend to think in terms of a “single incident” or, a “one time only” act of violence. Or at times we hear others question and blame victims for being involved in these types of dangerous sitations. But we must understand that the world in which these "victims" live, is often no different than captured and tortured prisioners of war. The vanished, the missing, the murdered all were calculated and planned out by an abusive, angry and controlling individual.


 The term “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” is a continuing pattern of behavior which can include : repeated harassment, stalking or surveillance of the victim,' threats and intimidation, bodily harm, sexual assault, child abduction or the constant threat , that can escalate, in some cases to murder . In most abuse cases, the danger continues despite the victim’s attempts to get help from traditional sources. For example, after a battered woman seeks assistance from the courts or separates from her abuser, she statistically runs a greater risk of increased harm. The abuser is furious, and steps up his behavior and violent attacks. And often the victim is left to fend for herself when it comes to protecting her life. 


 Local shelters play an important role in not only providing a safe place to go, but many victims are unaware that shelters also assist victims in obtaining orders of protection, counseling and legal assistance. To visit them on the web: http://www.ncadv.org or their tool free number is 1-800-799-SAFE. The phones are answered twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 


 Many women are victims of chronic abuse. They have been threatened with repeated violence or even death. Victim’s are no stranger to the court system, they have often waded through stacks of police reports, orders of protection filings and numerous criminal complaints. They have spent long hours in the courtroom seeking protection through the legal system. And with each step a victim takes, in some situations, their abusers have become increasingly violent toward them. 


As a society, we still sweep the issue of domestic violence aside, like disposable garbage. I hear comments all the time “why can’t she just leave” or “ she must have done something to provoke his behavior.” No one drives anyone to commit acts of violence and terror. The abusers do this because society has allowed them to get away with their behavior of power and control. 


We have come a long way when it comes to drinking and driving. Laws across the country, are strict and often severe in nature. A person found guilty of drinking and driving no longer gets off with a slap on the wrists. They do serious jail time for this crime. 


Why are we unable to do apply the same logic when it comes to Domestic Violence? 


Is it because we think off it as a private matter between two consenting adults? Drinking used to be a private matter, involving consenting adults, until people started getting killed, then organizations fought hard to get tough legislation passed. There has been tough legislation passed over the years on abuse and stalking related crimes by organizations across the county. It is no longer enough. Technology has assisted the abusers in their efforts to control and harass their prey.

As you read the tragedies with your morning coffee, realize, more must be implemented to assist victims in leaving safely.

Current laws were not signed by elected officials with a pen of ink, but with a pen of blood, of all those who lost their lives.