Social Media and Bullying

 By Susie Kroll

Social media such has Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Formspring are the tools of a Bully and the tools of a Victim.  I’m sure you wonder what I mean.

In today’s society these types of social media can be used by an abuser to taunt, tease, and harass a victim.  Before social media, the bullying done to a child ended when school was over.  The victim had time to rest, refresh, and bolster up the courage to face the next day of school.

Now, when the victim goes home, they get online; see messages, posts, and other hurtful bullying statements outside of school walls.  They, for all intents and purposes, are under attack 24/7.  There is no time to breath or recharge.  While I believe that no victim should have to recharge, when in the situation of being bullied, a 24/7 attack is much more detrimental.   By now, most people think that social media is more of a negative societal attribute rather than a positive one.

On the other side, when a victim feels alone, hurt, and has nowhere to turn, there is social media.  We have seen, recently, in the media all of the reports of our kids reaching out for help through Twitter, Facebook, and other forms of social media.  The sad end to that is that by the time the information makes it to the masses ears, we have lost another child.  Jamey Rodemeyer killed himself after regularly reaching out via social media to anyone that would listen to his cries for help. 

Our tweens and teens are reaching out to celebrities, the untouchables, people that, if it weren’t for social media, would probably never be exposed or aware of the cries of a single child.  30 years ago, I couldn’t have reached out to the Beatles for help, if I were being bullied, in the hope that they would understand and try to help me. 

Now, teens and tweens are reaching out to celebrities that they feel they can identify with.  They are looking for someone to hear their cries.  They are looking for someone that has the power to end their problems. 

We have the power.  Each and every one of us has the ability to become educated, learn the signs, and save a child’s life, before they take it themselves.  So, back to social media.  I do not think that it is either evil or good.  I think social media’s label depends on how we use it.  We can use the power of social media to help those in need, educate the masses, and listen to those cries for help.

The moral of the story, the tools that we are presented with are only as good or bad as we make them.  Someone can choose to kill someone with a hammer just as they can choose to build a home for someone in need.  Social media can be used to belittle and abuse or it can be used to uplift and inspire.  Make the choice to be the light in someone’s life instead of the dark.  

Susie Kroll frequently speaks on the issue of teen dating violence, bullying and how to create healthy relatoinships. She is also a regular contributor to the Here Women Talk online magazine,  Please visit her website for more information: www.susiekroll.com

       

Back to School Supplies-Did You Forget Something?

By Susie Kroll 

We are now head-long into the new school year.  I’m sure every parent has done there level best to provide school clothes, supplies, laptops, and all the other necessary accessories for their student to succeed.  But have they thought about the other crucial supply their student needs to be safe?  Have they taught their child about Dating Violence?

We send our children, tweens, and teens out into the world of school to gain the necessary knowledge to succeed and be productive citizens of society.  One of the most overlooked and under-utilized piece of knowledge is knowing how to recognize and prevent Dating Violence from happening to them.  Dating Violence is not unlike Domestic Violence in that it can strike anyone, any gender, any race, any orientation, and any socio-economic group at any time.  What’s that mean? Even your child could become a victim.  I am not saying this to be cruel.  I am however, saying it because sometimes fear is the only way to motivate someone into action.  If you love your child, you will learn about Dating Violence and how to prevent it.  If you fear for your child you will learn how to recognize the signs of Dating Violence before it escalates to death.  Make no mistake, I want you to be alarmed at what you are about to read.

-69% of all teens who had sex by age 14 said they have gone through one or more types of abuse in a relationship.

-40% of the youngest tweens, those between the ages of 11 and 12, report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships, and nearly one-in-ten (9%) say their friends have had sex.

-Nearly three-in-four tweens (72%) say boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually begin at age 14 or younger.

-Only half of all tweens (51%) claim to know the warning signs of a bad/hurtful relationship.

All of these statistics were provided by a 2008 study conducted by Liz Claiborne and www.loveisrespect.org.

Now, I’m sure you are wondering why this happens.  Here are some of the findings that www.ACADV.com has found.

Teen dating violence often goes unnoticed because teenagers typically:

• are inexperienced with dating relationships.
• are pressured by peers to act violently.
• want independence from parents.
• have "romantic" views of love.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

Young men may believe:

• they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.
• "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness.
• they should "possess" their partner.
• they should demand intimacy.
• they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:

• they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships
• their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."
• abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.
• there is no one to ask for help or to show them anything different.

Tweens and teens are inexperienced in dating and relationships and have a romanticized view of love and relationships.  This plays a huge role in why teens don’t recognize what is happening to them until the damage has already been done.  They have never been taught to choose what they want out of a relationship.  Moreover, they don’t think they have a right to choose what they want out of a relationship.

 

So where are your tweens and teens getting their relationship models from?  Do you want them to emulate your relationships? Those they see on TV?  Those of their peers at school? Those they see in the media or in celebrity circles?  Are you cringing yet?  Unless we provide our tweens and teens with the knowledge and power to recognize Dating Violence and to set their own relationship standards we have to assume that they are using less that positive examples. 

It is an incredibly powerful thing to tell a tween or teen that they have the right to say what they want out a relationship.  Tweens and teens have the right to say they want to be treated nicely, with respect, and love.  They have the right to privacy and to have time away from their partners.  They can say that they never want to be hit, yelled at, or emotionally abused.  Every parent should try it.  Tell your children they have rights.  Tell them they are worth it.  Tell them to choose their own boundaries about sex, partying, and dating.  Encourage them to make good choices and guide them toward those good choices.  

I thought it only fair to give a brief overview into what Dating Violence may look like and what some of the signs of Dating Violence were.

Here are some of the early warning signs that a Dating Relationship could become violent and dangerous.  If your tween or teen’s partner exhibits any of the following behaviors, it might be Dating Violence: 

Extreme jealousy Controlling behavior Quick romantic involvement Unpredictable mood swings Alcohol and drug use that magnify Dating Violence Explosive anger for seemingly little issues Isolates you from friends and family Uses force during an argument Tells you what to wear, how to act, what to do

Shows hypersensitivity Believes in rigid gender roles Blames others for their problems or feelings Cruelty to animals or children Verbally abusive Abused former partners Threatens violence Goes through your cell phone to see who you text, call, or view your pictures Checks up on you via Facebook, Twitter, etc

Here are some of the common indicators that your teen may be experiencing Dating Violence:

Physical signs of injury Truancy, dropping out of school Failing grades Inability to make healthy choices Changes in mood or personality Loss of interest in hobbies or friends Commonly making excuses for their  partner’s behavior

Use of drugs/alcohol Emotional outbursts Isolation from loved ones Weight gain or loss Moody and anxious Engaging in risky behaviors

Please learn more about Dating Violence and how to prevent it.  If you have more questions, then great, this article has done its job.  Give your tween or teen all the supplies they need to be successful at school, in life, and in all their current and future relationships.

Susie Kroll specializes in Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships.  For more information about Susie and how you can bring her to your school or event, please visit www.susiekroll.com or schedule with ImaginePublicity  contact@imaginepublicity.com

Kudos and Epic Fail

By Susie Kroll

I admit it.  I am willing to admit it.  I watched The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  In this particular episode, a 17-year old girl has hit the point in time when her mother wants to have the “talk” with her.  The mother brings up this idea to her husband.  The father basically states that the girl is a baby and they don’t need to have that conversation with her.  The 17-year old girl is getting ready for a winter formal dance.  The father asked the mother if her parents gave her that “talk” when she was their daughter’s age.  The mother says, “No.”  But she also makes the comment to her husband that times are different from when she was growing up.  The father then says that this isn’t something to bother talking about since the daughter is going to be a virgin until she is married.  The mother saying that she hopes that is what will happen but she still feels like the talk is necessary.  The husband is very resistant to the discussion and the wife then makes a comment that she should have never brought up the topic and just talked to the daughter on her own.  In a different episode, he even got in some guys face that tried to dance with his daughter at a New Year’s Party.  He said his only job was to protect his baby from men like that.  How long does he think he can keep that up before he has to teach her how to be responsible for herself and her needs?   I have a couple of opinions about what I saw in this episode.

First, let me say that I was screaming at the TV, as if I could somehow affect the outcome of what I was seeing.  Let me also say that it ignited a fury of emotions in me as well.  The Kaiser Family foundation conducted at study in 2009 and one of their findings was that 46% of high school students had already had sex.  That is almost half of high school students!  High school usually starts in 9^th grade.  I was 14-15 when I started high school.  The daughter on the show is 17.  So somewhere between 14-18, 46% of teens are sexually active.  While she seems like a teen that has her act together, it was incredibly naïve of the father to think that a discussion about sex and relationships isn’t necessary.  17 is too late (but better than never) to have this discussion with their daughter.  His daughter may not have the intention of sleeping around or sleeping with someone in the near future but being prepared and knowing what his daughter is thinking is much more powerful and important that deluding himself into thinking that these thoughts haven’t crossed her mind.  I am not discounting that it might be an uncomfortable subject but parts of life are darn uncomfortable.  As a parent, you signed up for all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the uncomfortable.  The father, during an in-episode interview couldn’t even say sex, he had to spell it out.  If he isn’t comfortable with the idea of saying the word, how can he assume that the daughter is or isn’t?  He is making a bunch of assumptions about his daughter. 

First, even the best of teens don’t tell their parents everything.  To the daughter’s credit, she seems mature and seems to have a good head on her shoulders but even the smartest teen doesn’t know everything about sex and relationships.  Really?!  Most adults don’t either.  This is readily evident by the other “housewives” on the show. 

Her mother had the right idea and I have to give her credit for wanting to talk to her daughter if only to touch base and reinforce their family values and check in with her daughter and where she is mentally.  The mom and daughter, in a later scene, are dress shopping for the winter formal.  The mother makes comments on various dresses as her daughter tries them on.  Finally, the daughter picks a dress and, again I am screaming at the TV.  The dress was floor length, fitted, strapless, and mermaid cut.  Nothing about the dress was too revealing with the exception that it showed her daughter’s figure as it was a very fitted dress.  The mother took that moment to talk to her daughter about what that kind of dress says.  She said that it was a sexy dress and put a message out there to the world.  While I believe it was a necessary discussion and that it needed to happen, the dress shop was not the appropriate venue for said discussion.  Okay, back to why I was screaming.  The mother said that dress is sexy and it will attract a certain type of attention.  In no way shape or form does the way a teen or adult dresses indicate or ask for certain things to happen to them.  The way someone dresses does not make it okay for someone to be assaulted sexually or have unwanted sexual advances happen to them.  I did not like that the mother ways inferring that how her daughter dressed made her somehow responsible for the attention whether negative or positive she received.  Sure the dress was fitted and “sexy” and it probably would make a teenage boy stare.  Let’s be real, teenage boys would stare at a girl with a sack over her head.  It is called teenage hormones.  Parents can build a wall around their children but eventually they will climb over it.  It is so much better to prepare them from life, relationships, and sex rather than thinking you can keep them from them until they are married.

Kudos to mom for wanting to talk to her daughter about sex and boys.  Kudos to mom for having the talk even though the dad was resistant and basically in denial that it needed to happen.  Mild fail to the mom for not having done some research about how, when, and where to have this conversation with her daughter.  Epic fail to the dad for thinking that his daughter has a perfect handle on relationships, sex, and what a healthy relationship looks like at the age of 17.  Epic fail to the dad for failing to protect his daughter by supporting his wife and preparing his daughter for the eventuality of a relationship and/or sex, whether it happens before or after she is married.  Epic fail to both parents for exposing their daughter and her fragile youth to the damages of being on reality TV.

Knowing about healthy relationships and sex doesn’t automatically pop into your head once you are married.  Married doesn’t equal “Everything is healthy and safe now.”  I know plenty of adults that are in very unhealthy marriages and relationships.  So when do they learn about it?  How about we all start early and teach proactively instead of reactively!    

While I do not think that the “Real Housewives” franchise is the best indicator of how teens learn about relationships and sex, I do realize that if we aren’t teaching our teens and tweens where are they going to learn?   From their peers?  From the media?  From reality TV?  If not you, then who?  Do you want to take the chance that their best relationship/sex model and lessons comes from one of those? I hope not.  

Susie Kroll is available for presentations and workshops in your school or organization.  Learn more about Susie at www.susiekroll.com and read her blog Teach Our Teens & Save Their Lives

"Hoochie Mama?" What I Heard!

By Susie Kroll

My husband and I went to the movies last Friday. It isn’t something we do often as Netflix makes movie watching at home more desirable, even if we have to wait for new releases. Back to the topic at hand, what I heard.

As my husband and I walked toward the theatre, we were surrounded by hordes of teenagers. Most of them were on cell phones, some were laughing and talking in groups, and still others were horsing around in the landscaping of the mall and theatre. It was all typical behavior in my book. Then I heard some guy yell, “Hey Hoochie Mama!” I looked in his general direction and saw that he was a teenager and was approaching a group of girls. When I was a teen, I would have told that guy to, well not appropriate language for this blog. Nevertheless, I would have been insulted and walked away from him. At the very least he would have been told not to address me in that manner.

Surprise of surprise, one of the teen girls giggled joyfully and ran to him. He slapped her on her butt while she gushed and hugged him. Her girlfriends didn’t seem alarmed or surprised by her behavior. For the sake of being thorough, I checked with the Urban Dictionary regarding “Hoochie Mama”. A summation of definitions include, slut, girl having multiple babies with different fathers, wearer of tight clothing, trashy makeup, and gaudy jewelry. Additionally, a Hoochie Mama wears dark, thick, and slutty makeup. The Urban Dictionary also says that a man can label a woman with this name as well as a group of jealous women. So what’s my point? First, this is not a positive or humorous word or label. Even the Urban Dictionary paints it in a derogatory light. Second, it is meant as an insult to the bearer. The girl that was called this name was not dressed slutty or trashy and she didn't have a train-load of babies with her. She was a typical American teen, clad in jeans and a t-shirt.

Why did the teen girl giggle and willingly accept the label from the boy? And, why is that a bad thing? I have a few theories on this matter. I have noticed that there has been a shift in the attention girls are willing to accept from boys, say from the 1950’s until now. It may be culturally, pop-culturally, and media induced. Long gone are the days of girls wearing their guy’s letterman’s jackets or fraternity pins. Teens are bombarded with images of singers, rappers, reality TV stars, and various celebrities’ objectifying women. There has been a transition from femininity as an asset to sex and the female body as a woman’s only asset. How said asset is used and displayed has also changed.

Recognition and attention from an admirer is wonderful. It feels good. Someone telling you that you are beautiful or asking you out on a date are some of the things that makes ones heart flutter. Finding ways to foster that are natural and should be a normal part of life. However, I am saddened and struggle daily with the reality that most teenage girls now believe that any attention from an admirer is positive. Hence why the girl at the theatre was so gleeful at the name that guy called her. He may have been joking but I still deem it unacceptable. I also struggle with the either deliberate or unconscious acceptance of the “sex is your only asset” attitude and the degree to which girls are living up to it. I see that girls are embodying this attitude in their appearance, attitudes, and acceptance of treatment by other people both male and female.

So why is this bad? In addition to it teaching our teens that their self-worth is devalued, it plants the seeds for further denigration. If I was a teen and I was comfortable with being called a Hoochie Mama or a slut, would I then be comfortable with a partner calling me stupid or worthless? If I wasn’t could I become comfortable with those labels? It is a slippery slope. It easily makes an abuser’s behavior acceptable and camouflaged to the receiver and bystanders. If everyone thinks the name-calling is funny or not serious, then they are more likely to miss the signs of dating violence. I am not saying that the guy at the theatre is an abuser. I am just saying that teenager’s acceptance of seemingly minor name-calling or labels open the door to a potentially harmful future situation. They could be victims or blind bystanders to someone else’s victimization. A change needs to be made in our teenager’s minds and attitudes. To make this change the responsibility lies with both parties. The seeker of the admiration needs to draw a line in the sand and decide what attention they are willing to acknowledge and what they will not. It is also the responsibility of the giver of attention to decide what behaviors are respectful, positive, and should be fostered. Calling someone a Hoochie Mama isn’t positive or desirable. Telling someone they are smart or funny or cute is.

It is easy to say that teachers, celebrities, parents, and the government should do something. If we take that attitude then the problem becomes too overwhelming to solve as there are so many factors and facets to it. So let’s start small. Each of us should decide within ourselves what attention we are willing to accept. Once that decision is made we can tell our friends or partners. Hopefully it will get everyone thinking about what they want or don’t want. Slowly mindsets will change. Attitudes will change. I would hope that all teenagers would then learn and believe that the favor of an admirer is earned. It must be appropriate, positive, and not derogatory in nature. If someone wants your attention they should seek it respectfully.

Susie Kroll specializes in speaking about Teen Dating Violence and Healthy & Safe Dating. She conducts workshops, keynotes, training, and seminars on issues specifically related to teens and their relationships. Susie is a regular "Ask the Expert" columnist for Reasons To Be Beautiful magazine. Visit her Website and Blog.