Dedicated to Those Who Still Have a Fighting Chance

By Lyn Twyman

It's been almost 11 years ago that I met a beautiful young man who was dying of cancer at the tender age of 18.  I had heard about his struggle with cancer in the local newspaper and new that someone needed to reach out to him and his family.  I was working a full time job then so I asked my preacher at the time if he would pay this young man a visit and he promised me he would.  After 2 or 3 weeks had gone by, I learned that my preacher had not kept his word and I became livid.  'Why am I giving this man my tithe money when he can't even get his ass in the car and visit someone who is sick as the rest of us are at work struggling to make a living?' I thought.  

I then made the decision to make the visit myself and I asked another church member, who knew the family of the young man, if she would go with me to visit them after I got off from work.  She agreed and in the cold and chill of December, we drove down an old, back country road to a white cottage in the darkness of the night out in the woods.  Once we arrived at the home, we were met by some of the friendliest of people, given the circumstances.  The new friend that I met that night, who I always call now my Charlie, was laying in the living room on his hospital bed, connected to a morphine pump as his source of pain relief and sustenance. 

What happened that night I have never forgotten as I watched this young man, who did not have much left to his frail being, wake from his sleep  and he began speaking to me, though he couldn't see me as the cancer had taken most of his sight.  We talked and I learned about his favorite instrument, his favorite sport, even his favorite flower.  I also prayed with him that night asking God to be by his side and Charlie received assurance that he would go to meet his Maker.  Minutes later, he drifted back to sleep but before he did, I gave him a red Bible. 

Charlie died three days later on December 26th and after speaking with his mother after the funeral had taken place, I learned that he was buried with the same Bible I had given him.  I also learned from his mother that the visit I had paid him gave him renewed strength that she had not seen from him in a while.   He was a more cheerful person in his last three days, making mention of me several times and wanting to know where his Bible was.  On Christmas day, after weeks of not eating because of the effects from the morphine, he awoke asking to get dressed and ate his last meal ever with his family.  I didn't know that the time I had left to reach him wasn't that long.  I didn't know that Charlie was on the verge of death the night we went to see him.  The local newspaper had minimized the state of his condition. 

Just like my angel, Charlie, whose life was claimed by a gruesome disease called cancer, there are many victims of domestic violence who are also on the verge of death.  If you and I don't get to them, don't talk to them, don't reach out to them soon, and just wait for other people and organizations to do the work when you and I are just as capable, then it just may be too late.  If we can save them or offer some kind of hope to help them move on and be empowered to take the next steps, then we've doing our job. 

I know my Charlie died, but he needed someone to come to him and give him some kind of hope as his fate was near.  For those who are being victimized by domestic violence, they still have a fighting chance, however, and that's the point I want to get across today. 

 So I challenge all of us who are fighting for the rights of victims of domestic violence, sexual assault to crime victimization, please remember that each person deserves the help and support.  It’s not too late. Each person deserves to be kept safe from their abuser and out of harm’s way with whatever it takes.  Judges, prosecutors, police officers and advocates reading this, ask yourselves are your departments doing all they can do to protect victims?  Politicians and legislators, are you passing laws to keep victims safe or what’s holding you back from making the right decisions to protect your citizens?  Is it that one little clause in a bill that needs to be modified that’s preventing you from voting on it?  If so, then for Heaven’s sake come to a compromise, get it changed and pass that bill!  And family, friends, co-workers, what’s keeping you from talking to the person you love or know about getting help as they are being abused? 

If all of us wait for the next guy to come around, just like the lazy preacher I once had, what we’re called to do by Divine Intervention, Providence or Karma will never happen.  So let’s take the time to make this coming holiday and new year a time to be more proactive in our fight for all of humanity.  There are some things we just know we must do that are right.  Someone needs you.  Don’t let anything hold you back.

~Dedicated to my Charlie.  Called home to be with his Maker December 26, 1999.~

Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity

By Barry Goldstein

A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broken custody court system and a few professionals willing to risk their careers or at least their earning capacity to help them. This was the state of our movement when Mo Hannah started the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.

It is easy to feel discouraged when we continue to hear the kinds of tragic miscarriages of justice where children are sent into the custody of dangerous abusers while safe, protective mothers are denied any meaningful relationship with their children based on the outdated and discredited practices routinely used by custody courts and biased professionals who have learned the way to make money is to support approaches that favor the abusers who control the family finances.

Despite the continued widespread failure of the custody courts to respond appropriately or even recognize domestic violence cases, we have made significant progress. Fortunately and unfortunately there are now so many more protective mothers involved in the movement and more helpful professionals. The domestic violence movement is now much more aware and supportive of protective moms. The NCADV created a child custody track at its recent national conference, provided a plenary session devoted to child custody issues and have done everything we have asked. Although not unanimous, this support within the domestic violence movement is reflected in the work of local domestic violence agencies. The plight of protective mothers is also better known to government agencies and academicians. We have far more research that confirms the complaints of protective moms and efforts within government agencies to try to reform the broken system.

Despite continued widespread court mistakes in responding to allegations of domestic violence and child abuse, there would be reason for optimism if those involved in the protective mothers movement could work in unity and avoid the kinds of personal attacks and competition that undermine the important work we are doing.

I am well aware that men in the domestic violence and protective mothers movement need to take direction from the women in the movement and avoid actions that undermine their leadership. Nevertheless, after 27 years of working against domestic violence, I believe I may have a unique experience and perspective that could be helpful in avoiding divisions that can only help abuser groups.

Survivors of domestic violence and unfair attacks by a court system that should be providing protection for her and her children, often must deal with tremendous anger, emotionalism and trust issues. This is a normal response to what survivors have been through. This response and particularly skepticism about who can be trusted can be helpful in detecting infiltration attempts by male supremacist supporters. Unfortunately it can also undermine the cases of protective mothers and interfere with our ability to work together to reform the broken system.

The new Department of Justice Report prepared under the direction of Dr. Daniel Saunders found that evaluators pay far more attention to mothers' anger and perceived lack of cooperation then such considerations deserve based upon the likely effects on the children. Nevertheless we know that as unfair at it is, judges and others pay great attention to these issues. When I was practicing law, I tried to explain to judges and other court professionals that the mother's reaction was a normal response to the abuse she suffered and was not an indication of how she treated her children. Unfortunately the courts are often not open to understanding the mother's reaction in the context of a long history of abuse by the father.

When we change the broken system, it will not be based on one case at a time, but rather changing the atmosphere in which all the cases are considered. This is why our movement is so important and those of us working on behalf of the protective mothers movement must work together.

My friend, Ben Atherton-Zeman speaks about being honored when protective mothers share their stories with him. I love this formulation because so often lawyers, judges, journalists, friends and even advocates dislike hearing these stories because they are too painful, too long and too hard to hear. There are times that those trying to help protective mothers need to limit the time listening to these stories or are unable to provide the assistance that is needed. There is tremendous pressure on everyone involved which is exacerbated by the unspeakable pain that permeates this cursed and broken system. This is a recipe for anger and misunderstanding. Too often the anger becomes misplaced.

We are trying desperately to help protective moms and their children. The resources available are a small fraction of what is needed. In many cases we could do everything possible and still not get through to the oblivious court professionals who have ably learned all the misinformation provided over the last thirty years.

Recently I have noticed ever more frequent anger and personal attacks by those doing good work to help protective moms and against others doing good work to help protective moms. I can understand how this happens, but if we are going to change the system, it has to stop. It may well be that some people can't work with others and there need to be separate organizations, but we must avoid personal attacks and leave open the ability to work together on larger goals.

One of the problems we have is that many lawyers and mental health professionals understand that abusers are the ones who control the family resources so the way to make a lot of money is to maintain a practice based on beliefs and practices that favor abusers. Professionals who regularly work as part of the protective mothers movement understand they are sacrificing income in order to try to help people and society. They often take cases for fees far below what their adversaries receive and constantly receive requests for pro bono work. When I practiced law, I often had protective moms come to me after a previous attorney had undermined their case while draining all the money available. They needed me to overcome the past mistakes on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Similarly many protective moms who experienced the broken court system in their cases have generously returned to the field to help other protective moms. These are good people who deserve the highest honors and awards. Sometimes they may make mistakes and sometimes their actions may be misunderstood by someone who is hurting deeply.

Again some people may not be able to work with other people. When someone is making sacrifices for the cause, we must make sure they are not unfairly attacked. We get enough of that from the male supremacists and the courts. And so my plea is for everyone in the protective mothers movement to avoid attacks on our allies and help create an atmosphere in which the maximum amount of cooperation is possible.

The best part of this work is getting to know the extraordinary people who are part of our movement. There are so many admirable people who generously give of their time and resources. They often hear the most heartrending stories in order to try to help mothers and their children. These heroes make enormous sacrifices in their efforts to reform a system that routinely hurts children.

As a man living in a sexist society and receiving numerous unearned privileges that most men are oblivious to, I often receive undeserved praise for behavior that ought to be normal. Protective moms who are forced to relive the worst experiences of their lives in order to help other mothers and professionals who give their time, skills and caring for our cause deserve tremendous praise and appreciation. If our movement is to succeed, they cannot be subjected to unfair attacks from those they try to help.

In his chapter for our new book, Lundy Bancroft wrote about the need for activism as a means to reform the broken system. He spoke of the need for local organizations to bring moms together and for these groups in turn to work with other local and national groups. He has sought to put his words into action by helping to organize the Protective Mothers International. It may be that this group is not for everyone, but the stronger this group is, the better for all protective mothers. There are many wonderful organizations created to help protective mothers. They have different approaches, focus and practices, but each contributes to the important work of reforming the broken system. I encourage friends and allies to participate in the groups they feel most comfortable with. Most important, please avoid undermining other individuals and groups because we need all the help and support we can find.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY.