Protective Mothers Movement Needs Unity

By Barry Goldstein

A few short years ago, the protective mothers' movement consisted only of many protective mothers victimized by a broken custody court system and a few professionals willing to risk their careers or at least their earning capacity to help them. This was the state of our movement when Mo Hannah started the Battered Mothers Custody Conference.

It is easy to feel discouraged when we continue to hear the kinds of tragic miscarriages of justice where children are sent into the custody of dangerous abusers while safe, protective mothers are denied any meaningful relationship with their children based on the outdated and discredited practices routinely used by custody courts and biased professionals who have learned the way to make money is to support approaches that favor the abusers who control the family finances.

Despite the continued widespread failure of the custody courts to respond appropriately or even recognize domestic violence cases, we have made significant progress. Fortunately and unfortunately there are now so many more protective mothers involved in the movement and more helpful professionals. The domestic violence movement is now much more aware and supportive of protective moms. The NCADV created a child custody track at its recent national conference, provided a plenary session devoted to child custody issues and have done everything we have asked. Although not unanimous, this support within the domestic violence movement is reflected in the work of local domestic violence agencies. The plight of protective mothers is also better known to government agencies and academicians. We have far more research that confirms the complaints of protective moms and efforts within government agencies to try to reform the broken system.

Despite continued widespread court mistakes in responding to allegations of domestic violence and child abuse, there would be reason for optimism if those involved in the protective mothers movement could work in unity and avoid the kinds of personal attacks and competition that undermine the important work we are doing.

I am well aware that men in the domestic violence and protective mothers movement need to take direction from the women in the movement and avoid actions that undermine their leadership. Nevertheless, after 27 years of working against domestic violence, I believe I may have a unique experience and perspective that could be helpful in avoiding divisions that can only help abuser groups.

Survivors of domestic violence and unfair attacks by a court system that should be providing protection for her and her children, often must deal with tremendous anger, emotionalism and trust issues. This is a normal response to what survivors have been through. This response and particularly skepticism about who can be trusted can be helpful in detecting infiltration attempts by male supremacist supporters. Unfortunately it can also undermine the cases of protective mothers and interfere with our ability to work together to reform the broken system.

The new Department of Justice Report prepared under the direction of Dr. Daniel Saunders found that evaluators pay far more attention to mothers' anger and perceived lack of cooperation then such considerations deserve based upon the likely effects on the children. Nevertheless we know that as unfair at it is, judges and others pay great attention to these issues. When I was practicing law, I tried to explain to judges and other court professionals that the mother's reaction was a normal response to the abuse she suffered and was not an indication of how she treated her children. Unfortunately the courts are often not open to understanding the mother's reaction in the context of a long history of abuse by the father.

When we change the broken system, it will not be based on one case at a time, but rather changing the atmosphere in which all the cases are considered. This is why our movement is so important and those of us working on behalf of the protective mothers movement must work together.

My friend, Ben Atherton-Zeman speaks about being honored when protective mothers share their stories with him. I love this formulation because so often lawyers, judges, journalists, friends and even advocates dislike hearing these stories because they are too painful, too long and too hard to hear. There are times that those trying to help protective mothers need to limit the time listening to these stories or are unable to provide the assistance that is needed. There is tremendous pressure on everyone involved which is exacerbated by the unspeakable pain that permeates this cursed and broken system. This is a recipe for anger and misunderstanding. Too often the anger becomes misplaced.

We are trying desperately to help protective moms and their children. The resources available are a small fraction of what is needed. In many cases we could do everything possible and still not get through to the oblivious court professionals who have ably learned all the misinformation provided over the last thirty years.

Recently I have noticed ever more frequent anger and personal attacks by those doing good work to help protective moms and against others doing good work to help protective moms. I can understand how this happens, but if we are going to change the system, it has to stop. It may well be that some people can't work with others and there need to be separate organizations, but we must avoid personal attacks and leave open the ability to work together on larger goals.

One of the problems we have is that many lawyers and mental health professionals understand that abusers are the ones who control the family resources so the way to make a lot of money is to maintain a practice based on beliefs and practices that favor abusers. Professionals who regularly work as part of the protective mothers movement understand they are sacrificing income in order to try to help people and society. They often take cases for fees far below what their adversaries receive and constantly receive requests for pro bono work. When I practiced law, I often had protective moms come to me after a previous attorney had undermined their case while draining all the money available. They needed me to overcome the past mistakes on a pro bono or reduced fee basis. Similarly many protective moms who experienced the broken court system in their cases have generously returned to the field to help other protective moms. These are good people who deserve the highest honors and awards. Sometimes they may make mistakes and sometimes their actions may be misunderstood by someone who is hurting deeply.

Again some people may not be able to work with other people. When someone is making sacrifices for the cause, we must make sure they are not unfairly attacked. We get enough of that from the male supremacists and the courts. And so my plea is for everyone in the protective mothers movement to avoid attacks on our allies and help create an atmosphere in which the maximum amount of cooperation is possible.

The best part of this work is getting to know the extraordinary people who are part of our movement. There are so many admirable people who generously give of their time and resources. They often hear the most heartrending stories in order to try to help mothers and their children. These heroes make enormous sacrifices in their efforts to reform a system that routinely hurts children.

As a man living in a sexist society and receiving numerous unearned privileges that most men are oblivious to, I often receive undeserved praise for behavior that ought to be normal. Protective moms who are forced to relive the worst experiences of their lives in order to help other mothers and professionals who give their time, skills and caring for our cause deserve tremendous praise and appreciation. If our movement is to succeed, they cannot be subjected to unfair attacks from those they try to help.

In his chapter for our new book, Lundy Bancroft wrote about the need for activism as a means to reform the broken system. He spoke of the need for local organizations to bring moms together and for these groups in turn to work with other local and national groups. He has sought to put his words into action by helping to organize the Protective Mothers International. It may be that this group is not for everyone, but the stronger this group is, the better for all protective mothers. There are many wonderful organizations created to help protective mothers. They have different approaches, focus and practices, but each contributes to the important work of reforming the broken system. I encourage friends and allies to participate in the groups they feel most comfortable with. Most important, please avoid undermining other individuals and groups because we need all the help and support we can find.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY.

Letting Go of Evil

By Karen Rae Elkins

Evil men everywhere seek to control. Out of the blue, around midnight, February 1st,  I received a text from the x abuser who thinks he can threaten or further abuse me. The text read, "I know you wish I were dead, but I'm not." I saw the statement for what it was, once again, a chance to make me the bad person. Or, maybe it was an unspoken threat to take my life. I didn't respond to his text, except to change my cell number again. It was a mere inconvenience just to shake you loose. Make no mistake, I'm not running from your abuse, just taking control. I know that burns you up inside.
Opps... did I just expose your actions?

Now is the time to respond to you and those like you. Move on because I have. Asking you to change is fruitless. I'll never understand your ways. I can only describe your ways as deep seeded darkness rooted in the enjoyment of torture toward those who at one time loved you. I see you for what you are, the mere shadow of a shallow cowardly man without reason. Your soul is incapable of love without measure. A predator, you walk in the darkness like a beast. Truth escapes you because you deny your actions. You have chances to change but let them slip away by choice. You are caught up in the web of deceit, a liar.  Your only talent is abuse. Fear is the measure you use to control those you claim to love.
I know you, others will too.

Here is another dose of truth. I've never threatened your life but remember vividly the day you yanked my hair to pull my face to your face screaming the threat, "Bitch if I want you dead, you will be dead." Remember that day? Every evil man has said similar words and sadly some women never get the chance to live past the threat. Well, in your words, I'm still here. Ha.... although you still breathe, you've never lived, never truly loved, never genuinely cared for anyone but yourself.
Are you angry enough to come after me yet? 

I'd would like to say thank you and those like you for making me the strong woman I am today. I gained my life back when I left you. Right or wrong, I make my own decisions without fear of attacks from you. I am the captain of my own ship and in the distance I can see your ship sinking. You can attack but you will never claim victory over me. If you ever try to raise your hand to hurt me again, you will be tangling with a woman you haven't met. Next time will be different.
Your wrongs made me right, not quite the outcome you anticipated.

I was once a broken image, shattered by abuse. Today, I'm whole and healthy in mind and spirit.  I love myself on the inside, something you stole from me, but I've found it again. Oh, I'll never forget you... or underestimate what you are capable of carrying out. I will never be drawn back into the prison of hateful manipulations, lies, threats, and cold hearted plots to explain away the abuse.
Ahhh,,, now, she's just asking for it. Isn't that the words running through your mind at this very moment? 

One never knows when their death will come. I don't have to settle the damn score, all I have to do is walk, walk walk. See me walking? One day your child or your children will say enough and walk away. They too, will tire of trying to please you, see the light, realize love isn't a bitter word or a punch in rage, and leave for good. You'll spend your life alone, as it should be with all abusers, alone...either in jail or committed to an empty house, empty life.
And... she mentions the children! Just to let you know, I have grown bold, brave, wise and patient.

Your attempts to destroy the good in life will lead you down the road to self-destruction. It's your path, you chose it. I'm not here to stop you on your path, just here to let you know you are truly evil. Having met evil, I know I am obligated to rescue women and their children from the abusive reign in their life. I will never stop writing, never stop talking, never stop exposing your vicious actions. And guess what, there are more like me out there. Our numbers are growing daily. Push us now, and we push back, fighting for a life free from abuse. Each woman bringing one woman out at a time. Like it or not, one day your time's up. We will see you in jail or hell, it's your choice.
Oh... I have truly crossed the yellow line on purpose to send you this message. We all live and breathe under the reign of the Lord, God Jehovah. Many men will read your words Lord, but never change their ways, their minds, their actions. So be it.

 Until next time, fish steady my friends. Be safe on the lake and in life. karen

Karen Elkins 

John 3:17 for God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.

Re-Setting the Energy of Anger

By Jillian Maas Backman


As I sat and pondered my topic of discussion for this blog entry, I kept coming back to the idea of “energy of anger” and its advanced stage, the “energy of rage.”


How many of you hold onto the energy of anger, mindlessly exploiting this erratic behavior as a catalyst for getting ahead on your path to success? How many of you are in an ANGER RUT?—unwilling to consider the thought of relinquishing this detrimental pattern while fearing you will stagnate in your own inadequate resentments.


The energy of anger often masks itself behind other emotions and obscures our vision of the world around us.  Dominating and relentless, it will ultimately suffocate all other emotional energies.  It will subject you to a life of surface dwelling—an inability to commit to intimate connections with those around you.  Instead, you shuffle though relationships like an old set of “hand-me-down playing cards” for the sole purpose of avoiding the possibility of feeling vulnerable. At some level, we all can relate to that. Living in a state of vulnerability is very risky business. You must open your heart and your soul to all sorts of subjective, painful passages.  In a suspended state of anger, you may be able to avoid the human fall-out of uncontrollable experiences.  But ask yourself this question; what blessed events are you missing because your veil of anger is holding you back?


I want to share a few thoughts on how you have the opportunity to shift that anger into a moldable paradigm of reality.  From childhood on, we are taught to use this statement when we are unhappy with others:  “I am angry with you.”  If you remove two simple words from the statement, you’re essentially left with “I am Anger.”  After years and years of repetition, one begins to accept the possibility that this is true.   You are anger, and anger is you.  You become one with the anger. In the old paradigm, human emotions such as anger, are characterized as personality traits.  Unfortunately, the chances of reversing a characteristic trait are very rare.  It takes years and years of commitment and accountability. 


Moving into adulthood, I began to perceive human emotions as human conditions, which are curable.  When you start accepting this truth, wonderful events will begin to occur.  One can experience human emotions without being overtaken by them.    This can be accomplished by “re-setting your emotional paradigm”.

Many teachers, including myself, encourage others to make decisions from a place of love, not fear, human- based emotion.  It helps to give yourself permission to detach from the emotional components of your personality.  Think of the process of detachment in terms of an archery target.  The target is composed of concentric circles of different colors, rings inside of rings, all encircling the core center, which is always pictured in red.  The red represents your soul center.  This center is steadfast and grounded in the pure essence of love, peace, calm and balance, and most importantly, isolated from outside forces.


The outer rings represent human emotional conditions, accumulated over time as protective mechanism.  These accumulated emotions can be either positive or negative.  As a functional person, you have complete control over human conditional emotions.   Are the emotional rings of your target negative, positive, or perhaps a mix of both?    


It's all right to experience both positive and negative emotions.  What is important is to remember that the soul, the center of the target, never wavers.  It is the essence of who we are, even when we feeling a myriad of human emotions.  By becoming aware of the separation of the “rings” we can develop more conscious control over our emotions.


In loving gratitude, Jillian.


Jillianmaasbackman.com


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