Trust and the Fine Print

By Charles Moncrief

It's only a joke.

Three pastors felt it to be a good idea to confess their faults one to another. So the first pastor confessed to the occasional taking of a twenty out of the offering plate. The second pastor admitted to the pint of Irish whiskey in his desk drawer, and that he found it helpful in getting through the day. The third pastor, in the process of walking out the door, confided, “My biggest sin is gossip, and I can't wait to tell what I've just heard here.”

It's only a joke. But truthfully, doesn't it hit a little close to home? Do you sometimes wonder, when someone says the equivalent of “Trust me,” why you sometimes hear a small voice in your head reading the Miranda Rights to you? “Anything you say can and will be used against you. . . .”

It bites when you least expect it. You reach out in trust and you get blindsided. Yet there’s no way to avoid taking some sort of risk every day, when it becomes necessary to solve some sort of problem. For example, I have certain limits in my ability to solve home plumbing problems. I can replace the valve assembly in my toilet tanks, now that the hardware chains sell these nifty kits, but I do have to trust the plumber if something stops up the pipes in my house. We could go off on a couple of other tangents here. For instance, I can trust the plumber to try an upsell (“We’re running a special on these no-clog pipes, with free installation if you buy in the next ninety seconds”), and I can trust the plumber to hand me a monstrous bill for cleaning out my drains. But on the flip side, the plumber arrives with a fortune in tools that I’d use only once -- if I even knew how to use them.

Oh, should I say the plumber doesn’t judge my sloppiness? That if I’d taken better care of my drains, I wouldn’t have had to call the plumber in the first place? Now don’t get too hasty and play the greed card, suggesting the plumber eats well because of a non-judgmental attitude. Sorry, I can’t go there. The plumber is just as likely to say to me, “This one customer in Highland Park (think $$$) had pipes full of. . . .” Hold on! That’s just an inch further than saying “Harry Franklin (a made-up name) poured oobleck in his sink. . . .” You may want to rethink whether you can really trust that plumber!

The cynic learns to trust in the negative. For example, when you see the car commercial with the large “45 mpg” on your TV screen, do you still believe their test drivers burned a thousand gallons of gasoline and went 45,000 miles? Or have you learned that there’s some sort of theoretical calculation that results in a number you’ll never achieve? If you’re not yet convinced, notice whether the small print nearby includes such words as “your mileage may be different.”

“Trust me,” you were told. You noticed something unethical, possibly illegal, going on where you work. You went to see the Ethics Officer of the company -- probably someone in HR. You timidly express you concern about something you’ve observed, but you’re hesitant to say anything for fear of retaliation. (Good for you, at least at this juncture! The various whistleblower protections are generally a sham, unless you’re a member of a protected species -- or you find a champion who can build political capital by going public with your case.) The HR rep invites you to sit down in the office and closes the door so you have privacy. You hear the reassuring words “what you say will never leave this office,” so you spill your guts. Two weeks later you’re confronted by two managers over what you’ve said. When you’re shocked by the betrayal from HR, you get another assurance: “The HR rep called us into his office to tell us what you said.” Please don’t kick yourself for not hearing the little voice in your head as it screamed “Miranda!”

One of the things I caution people about -- at least, the ones who will listen -- is those employee assistance services. You know, the ones that have a 24-hour phone number where you can anonymously air your grievances? Did you ever call such a phone number from your desk phone at work? The phone whose activity is monitored? The date, times, destination numbers, and call durations are logged at nearly every company. So while your conversation is not recorded, the nine hours you spent on the phone with that number might be telling. Oh, you say, you used e-mail? Excellent, now you’ve disclosed content.

Another thing I’m suspicious about is the “anonymous” suggestion (or sound-off) boxes. Just who saw you drop that piece of paper into the box yesterday? Or who saw you go into the office of a satisfaction committee member last week?

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.” You don’t even have to be arrested to suffer under this. Remember the woman who was sexually assaulted by some New York police officers? (Without looking it up, do you know whether the cops were reinstated following their suspension?) The woman took a beating in court, and she was testifying against her assailants!

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.” In a different case a woman, realizing she was going to be raped, asked the rapist to wear a condom so she at least would not get an STD. The rapist’s defense attorney used her words against her and claimed she had given consent!

“You have the obligation to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.” If you’re reading this on the “Time’s Up!” blog site, you may be aware that there’s a book with the same name. Susan Murphy Milano, a veteran of many forms of violence, wrote it. The book is a guide to a safe escape from an abusive relationship. One of the cardinal rules is to gain and maintain strategic a advantage -- or, unfortunately in many cases, to regain that advantage -- by confiding in as few people as possible. This includes your pastor, the police, and any personal friends. It especially includes your family. And ironically, it is vital that you avoid disclosing your plans to anybody who has been encouraging you to leave that jerk. Between the time you last heard those encouragements and the time you chose to act on them, you’d be amazed at the change of heart the well-meaning advisor may have had.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.” The stakes are high, too high. It’s been said that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead. And the horrible reality is that often the person you’re escaping from uses real bullets.

I'm being blunt, not to be an alarmist but hopefully to be a realist. I just can’t stress enough that if you don’t yet have a copy of Susan’s book, you should get your first copy. After you’ve read it once, give it away to one of the people on your list of friends or relatives struggling in abusive or violent relationships. It may be one of the greatest favors you can do for someone you love.


Grace and Peace,
Charles+

No Retreat Option

By Charles Moncrief

Every year at Easter we watch The Ten Commandments, Cecil B. DeMille’s epic 1956 remake of his 1923 film. One comment by Pharaoh (Yul Brynner) caught my attention this time. When the fleeing slaves were at the edge of the sea, he said, “The God of Moses is a poor general. He leaves them no retreat.” While it was great for dramatic effect, it was impractical. The Hebrew slaves, beaten up and beaten down for four centuries, were in no condition to disengage the Egyptian army and plan a battle strategy!

As the movie continued, the idea quickly shifted from the language of battle to that of return. That is, the recurring theme was that the slaves return to the hellhole they had left. A few thousand exemplary executions would have been the price for their return to even more ruthless oppression in their former life as slaves. But it was a life they’d known for a long time. This theme was in tension with that of faith, trusting God to take them through their obstacles and lead them to their destiny. In the historical events on which the movie was based, the problem of food and water was solved, as were other issues of leadership. When the Hebrew people first scouted out the Promised Land, only two of the scouts recommended confronting the last obstacle (giants in the place), while the other ten counseled fear. The result was continued wandering in a wasteland for forty more years.

I think the power of Brynner’s taunting statement hits home when I consider domestic violence. But first, let me cover my trail a bit. This was a turning point after the slaves had made a decision (yes, they could have decided to remain where they were). The tensions involved were all in the context of going back to, not escaping from, an oppressive relationship. It would be an unexpected reading of this article to consider it as counsel concerning any existing relationship; I’m addressing only the subject of continuing on course versus turning back.

Staying the course is a recurring theme in human history. So is seeking the perceived comfort of the oppressive relationship. A legend in ancient Sparta told of a mother who killed her son because he had a wound in his back. Lot’s wife became salty when she looked back on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. In Pilgrim’s Progress John Bunyan has his protagonist outfitted with frontal armor for his upcoming battle with Apollyon in the Valley of Humiliation. In Ephesians 11, the author describes the “whole armor of God” in terms of that of Roman soldiers. There is a breastplate, but not a backplate. (I’m not going to address the wrap-around armor of Europeans, but will leave that consideration for you.)

After you’ve made your escape from an oppressive relationship, and you find yourself deserted by those who once cheered you on, there’s often the sound of a limb being sawed off. Or you’re feeling hung out to dry, because all the support and encouragement are gone. This is where a return to the old life of oppression starts taking on an attractive appearance. This is where the expression “better the devil you know, than. . .” rears its ugly head in your own Valley of Humiliation. This is where you can be vulnerable to unproductive counsel from those you’re around.

But this is where I counsel faith and trust. The resources available through many on this site -- people who have “been there” -- can either directly or indirectly through referrals help you to get through your journey. In deMille’s movie God used Moses’ staff and an east wind to part the sea. Your obstacles may be as dramatic as an army of chariots on one side and death by drowning on the other, but they’re still very real. And it is vital that you get the continued encouragement from those who have seen those obstacles overcome in their own lives.

If you’re not getting this encouragement from friends or family, it may be time to take a breather from those relationships and replace them with fellow-travelers. After you’ve regrouped, rebuilt, and returned to a healthy track, then is the time for you to invite your discouragers back into your inner circle. Your destiny of healing, recovery, and a new life need not be sidetracked by those who would sow a spirit of fear.

My hope goes a bit beyond that. It’s for those things just mentioned, but also for you one day to become one of those who can support those who are starting their own journeys. Yes, this is my level of confidence in the idea of keeping your hand on the plow and not looking back.

Grace and Peace,
Charles+

We are all out here on the Olive Branch of Trust together!

By Jillian Maas Backman

It feels like we are all suffering from one big national panic attack, a well -documented medical episode triggered by an onset of sudden fearful situations. We have hit a rough patch of “growing pains,” debilitating circumstances all around us: oil spills, wars, out of control domestic violence and natural disasters. This intense temporary attack affects every body system from head to toe; blurred vision, dizziness, the inability to breathe deeply and most importantly, brain function impairment. There is no quick- fix prescription from policy or politician that can stop this transition train from taking us to places unknown. So, I reference a common quote, “God only gives us what we can handle.” Does this saying apply for countries as well?

My answer to this auspicious question will always be YES. Even I have been feeling out of sorts the last couple of weeks with the constant bombardment of such spirit- testing state of affairs. We all have endured, for several years now, relentless assaults on our comfortable lifestyles. There is one consensual question many have asked: Are we going to be all right?

My honest answer is again, YES. I have this understated core sense of serenity right now. Unexplainable, but true! For some reason, I have great faith in my faith and more importantly, my fellow man/woman. Our greatest national strength resides with the diverse, complex convictions we hold sacred. This is what’s going to pull us through unstable transitional time.


My minister father told me years ago, “The mere fact that we are still arguing our points of view means we are still committed to an eventual conclusion. When we stop fighting for our beliefs and simply give up, then we should worry.” How true is this? Apply this to your own relationships. If you ever ask someone why he/she chose to step out of any significant bond with someone, their usual response is: I simply did not care anymore. I believe “It’s apathy that makes the world flat line in failure.” Instead of looking at the negative, as a nation of causational bickering among fractured entities, we should transpose our outlook and congratulate ourselves for understanding our quarrels are paying off. We do care enough about ourselves and others to keep striving for the goal of serene living. If I were capable of sharing one gift with the world right now, it would be to share a crumb of calmness I feel within my soul with each one of you, to soothe nerves and feel your way to the “YES” to the question yourselves. But of course, that is simply impossible, so the next best thing here is to help you discover your own peace within to stabilize frantic reactions.

A professional colleague and I were having a rousing discussion on the propaganda in the world of what we need to do to cure our epidemic slump: antidotal quips, re-tooled old school physiological ideologies with the latest buzz word weekend retreats on how to love better, eat healthier and live longer…. Great, all very pertinent information for anyone; unfortunately, attendees may leave more confused when they walk out the door.

Believe me; I appreciate the massive transcendental explosion as much as the next girl. However, I would label myself as a Practical Intuitive Life Coach. I cannot re-package simplicity in a shineier package to catch your attention. What we need right now are simple, old-school, true tested coping skills. I understand this is not flashy or super sophisticated stuff, just down to earth common sense reality check for all of us.

A common symptom of all fear- induced panic episodes is the feeling of having a “Heart Attack,” heart palpitations of magnificent proportions is exactly what we all are experiencing together at this point in time; an attack directly on the weakest and most vulnerable center of every human being on this planet- our, love foundation. The one elusive emotion we all crave, cherish and most importantly, DESERVE. It’s literally breaking down the compassion we have for others. Please do not buy into this kind of destructive stinking thinking pattern. There is nothing more sacred than this bond between all of us.

Every family has disagreements, as do countries, including ours. I am not asking any of you to change your beliefs in what you stand for in the world. But, I am asking for you to:

Trust: your fellow man/woman to follow through. The off-shore gulf oil spill is a perfect example. We are all feeling a tremendous amount of helplessness in many ways. We are all out here on the olive branch of trust together. Frustrations are heightened because we are a nation of “fixers.” We can fix anything if we put our minds to it. Granted, this will be the ultimate key to successfully solving this crisis. But, until then, we must be the watchful eye of others competencies.

All self-help books encourage the focus towards “healing yourself” first. For the most part, I believe many of you have embraced this concept with tremendous abundance. This event in particular is forcing us to our next evolution of complementary living, guiding us into the mind- set of “healing others.”

We have to train ourselves to trust. Easier said than done, I understand. We are fallible in our actions. Right now, it’s all we have. We practice this gracious gift everyday and it never consciously crosses our minds. If you ask anyone out on the streets if they trust our soldiers fighting in other countries for our boundless freedoms, with no hesitation, the answer is: absolutely! The armed forces are in charge of making universal decisions that have direct bearing on all of our lives. They are doing a commendable job over and above what is expected. I share this example to attest to the fact that we all have the capabilities to trust unconditionally. WE are simply out of practice in our own communities. For the majority of us, with the state of affairs we are dealing with, we have no choice BUT to trust others.

Inspiration: Divert your attention elsewhere. If you keep dwelling on something over and over again there is no room for the universe to create its magic. Find something else to occupy your mind, something or someone that represents hope instead of hopelessness. Seek out your inspirations. What gives you the motivation to keep progressing forward? Many people find holding onto a physical object can help calm nerves and re-focus attention onto more healthy choices. Remember, we are physical beings. I do not care how much we are grounded in our spiritual beliefs; we always have a deep connection to our physical world.

Physiologically speaking, our brains literally have a greater rate of success when we are able to use physical objects that help represent what we aspire to in our outside world. This is why so many of you have your bibles with you at all times. It gives you a sense of physical connection to your etheric beliefs. When you find yourself in a spot of turmoil, objects assist our thoughts back onto goodness. As for myself, I carry my prayer beads with me at all times. I find great solace in what they represent for my inspirations to be a better person, and better servant. What objects represent your strength and inspirational center?

The Three P Cocktail: Patience Passion and Practicality

I have been accused of owning too much patience. Who has heard of such a silly thought? To the outside world it would appear that way. I have dedicated my lifestyle patterns to embrace what I label as the “The three P cocktail; Patience, Passion and Practicality.” Americans are known for being the most prodigious “doers” in the world. If you want the job done right, knock on our door first for results. We are relentless problem solvers at our very core. An asset that has served us well for hundreds of years. Lately, our tactical maneuvers are not working. With this aggressive mindset, there is very little room for patience.

Passion and practicality do make good bed fellows. We all have our higher calling for a particular cause, but we cannot let our passion over take practicality. Both qualities are admirable, but timing is the essential ingredient that binds us to a higher education about ourselves. Convergence is in the air, spectacular visions of a new kind of America are being shaped in all facets of our reality. Persuasive enforcements for domestic violence accountabilities are being enacted. Alternative fuel economies are now seriously being debated. Freedom for oppressed people overseas is being successful and above all we are hashing our way through all of this with fortitude! We have the ability to dig down deep and stay committed through completion.

In loving gratitude, Jillian Maas Backman