Tears, Fears and Bullies

By Diane May-Waldman

“We stopped looking for monsters under the bed when we realized they are all inside of us.” – Joe Danger Payne.

The following video seems to be going viral. I couldn’t get through it without a lump rising up in my throat and tears falling down my cheeks. I actually watched it more than once and both times it had the same affect on me. Please take a moment to watch it.

Heart wrenching, right? I imagine that it brought up more than one emotion for you, too. Sadness and anger, all at the same time.

There seems to be stories all over the news these days headlining children and teens that have committed suicide because of bullying. Here where I live, we just lost another teenage girl to suicide because of bullying. We’ve lost a couple this year and seems we haven’t learned anything from it.

I am not exactly sure how to reach children before they kill themselves. I have to wonder if they understand that suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wonder if they understood that we have all had moments in our lives, when we have wanted to stop the world and get off.

But, it doesn’t work that way.

I have heard people of my generation make comments about bullying that leave me shaking my head. Someone said, “Why can’t they do it the way we did it? Duke it out and be done with it?”

I think times have changed since a lot of us were kids. We didn’t have the Internet. First of all, since we didn’t have the Internet, we played outside and because we played outside, whoever was out there, we played with. All the kids on the street got together and hung out. The Internet has managed to keep people a lot more isolated from real human connections. Physical connections.

Secondly, the Internet and Facebook have made it easier to bully. Cyber bully.  Where at one time, you might be bullied at school, but you could go home and take a break. Not anymore. You sign on to the computer, hop on your facebook page and there it is. And more often than not it carries a mob mentality.

I also think kids tend to me a lot meaner than they were when we were kids. There is just no filter on what they say or do. There is no accountability either.

I would like to think that I never bullied anyone–at least I don’t recall ever bullying anyone. Except a time when I joined a couple of my friends to make fun a of girl with a disability. To this day, it causes me a huge amount of shame. There was a girl who lived a few streets over and she had cerebral palsy. I didn’t know that is what she had at the time, so me and a couple of friends were walking down the street and two of them started to walk like her as we passed her house. Not wanting to be the odd man out, I joined it. I knew it was was wrong and I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, but I did, because my friends were doing it.

Somehow my mother got wind of it. She didn’t scream at me or whack me in the head with her wooden spoon. She cried and told me how ashamed she was of my behavior and went on to explain that everyone was different and that I did not have the right to make anyone feel bad about themselves. By the time my mother was done talking to me, I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. I felt like dirt.

I think teens are pack animals by nature. A lot of inappropriate behavior, we just wouldn’t have engaged in, if we had been alone. We simply folded under peer pressure.

My mother made it clear to me that I was never to act like that again and I never did. Had she gotten another report of this kind of behavior from me, she would have without a doubt taken out her wooden spoon and busted my ass and I would have deserved it.

My mother gave you one warning and if you didn’t heed that warning, you got your ass busted. It was that simple. My mother had a saying. She would always say, “Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder to get your attention and when you don’t listen, he thumps you on the head and that is exactly what I am going to do if you don’t hear me the first time.”

My mother also said, “You KNOW right from wrong.  You know it as sure as I am sitting here and if you choose wrong, you better be prepared for what comes from that decision.”

And she was right.

You would also have to think twice if you thought of bullying one of my mother’s children. She would warn you first and if you didn’t listen, she made no bones about it, that she was going to handle it.

Most of the kids that I grew up with can remember a specific neighbor. Yes, that wretched woman who keeps your ball if it went into her yard. Well, my ball went into her yard and she kept it. I ran across the street and told my mother.

My mother came outside and demanded that she give the ball back to me. My mother waited with her hand on her hip and this woman wasn’t budging. Before I knew it my mother was calling her a bully and telling her that she should be ashamed of herself and then my mother was climbing over that fence telling that woman she was going to kick her ass. The neighbor quickly threw the ball over the fence and never took our ball again.

Walking back home, my mom was like a hero to me and the other neighborhood kids. My mother said to the neighbor, “Bullying is just mean and ignorant.”

My mother didn’t go into the whole psychological reasons that make someone become a bully. She didn’t tell me that maybe they were bullied or didn’t feel good about themselves, therefore they had to pick on someone else.

Because, she didn’t think that way. She believed that TWO WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT. Plain and simple. Just like when she said that bulling was mean and ignorant. Yeah, it’s that simple.

While we may never end all bullying, we can fix the majority of this problem. And it isn’t a problem that plagues the kids. It’s a problem that plagues the parents and adults surrounding this situation. If we know what is going on with our kids, we could stop it. Yet, we seem to busy to want to intervene and know what our kids are doing, until it’s too late.

School can sometimes be a hard place to be. Especially when teens approach puberty. Our brains and bodies are developing at different rates. We want to fit it and be part of the crowd. We do things we might not ordinarily do because being inside group is not as scary as being on the outside of the group.

Schools claim they are understaffed and can’t get a hold on this problem. More often than not, bullies are punished and this often adds flame to the fire. And some kids don’t and won’t report it in fear of retaliation. This is why it is important for schools to have a policy that if you see or know of a student who is being bullied, you can and should report it anonymously.

If we know who the “ring leader” is in the bully mob and who the victim is, we can start there.

What if we put the bully and the victim in a supervised room together? Told them that they each had to find ONE thing they liked about the other. It could be that the other person has great hair, a nice smile, cool shoes…

And what if we gave them a list of 20 questions that each had to answer. What is your favorite video game? Who is your favorite band? Then made those students discuss their answers? What if they had similar answers or were able to talk to one another about their answers? We now have them communicating on a positive level and have showed them that they are not so different. We have now made the bully AWARE that the victim is a human being.

Two school days in a room together, they are now more than likely able to form some type of human connection and bond with one another.

And what if we asked the bully to tell the victim how they feel when they bully and asked the victim to tell the bully how they feel when they are bullied? What if we got down to the heart of the matter?

And just what if we asked both to bring their favorite music or video game in the next day and share it with the other? What if we actually had them spend time together?

What if we stopped putting a band aide on this situation and really took the time to get to the root of the problem?

And what if parents got on board and we all worked together to solve the problem?

Please visit the following website and get your number. Take a stand to stop bullying NOW. Because, bullying isn’t COOL.

http://www.standtogether.tv/

Diana May-Waldman- Bureau Editor for Worldwide Hippies in Rochester NY. Diana is the author of A Woman’s Song. Her poetry in this book deals with the struggles facing all women and the many facets of being a woman in the world today. She is a strong women’s and children’s advocate. A true example of the Hippie movement's continuing growth and spirit. 

Maliciously Creating Havoc

By Cynthia Caron

Internet trolls, cyber bullies, flamers.  We have all heard of them and most of us have experienced the havoc they create online in forums and blogs.  What makes them tick? How does one protect themselves from internet trolls? They all crave attention, so to be rid of a troll one has to simply ignore them.

 Hard as it may, that is the only way to beat a troll.  Many forums have features in which you can block them from following you.  Trolls are very manipulative and crafty.  Most possess a low self esteem and find extreme satisfaction in creating disruptions to civilized groups of folks.  They strive to destroy what others are enjoying.   Many times they will start off as a "regular" poster and befriend all they can.  They will soon begin to start talking behind backs of other members and then move forward with false accusations of one member against another.  

Ironically, those that are the most common trolls are adults.  After creating negative atmospheres, they will sit back and enjoy the ruckus that they've created.  It's very common to note that trolls will also create multiple screen names and correspond with themselves as the "good person" vs. "the bad troll."  This is done to manipulate others to befriend the "good person" who is calling out the troll's behavior and in turn enables the troll to have someone to argue with when others have begun to ignore him or her.  This is in nearly all forums and invariably someone innocent will befriend the "good person" and then they will become the target of the "bad troll."  It's their method to spin a web and drag good people into their web of deceit and destruction.  Many forums have completely shut down due to numerous members who feel threatened by troll behaviors and leave the forum. 

The absolute best way to avoid this situation is to truly ignore the trolls.  Do not call out their bad behavior.  Stay away from private message conversations in which one wants to discuss other member's personalities.  Should you become the target of a troll completely ignore them and do not respond to their postings.  

Many will research the internet to find out as much personal information about you as possible, such as how many children you have or even your home address, and will use that in a post to drag you into responding hoping to entice an argument.  I've seen trolls who have impersonated other forum members by creating names in other forums to damage the reputation of the original person that they targeted.  If you encounter a troll, put them on ignore, do not respond and report them to forum moderators.  

Many forums have ways to boot those that cause disruptions, unfortunately, many may find their way to trolling back to a forum. They are certainly unwelcomed, yet an unavoidable aspect which occurs online.  Surprisingly, it's also not always considered a criminal act. They will hide behind the 1st Amendment which prevents law enforcement from being able to take action, unless a minor child is the target or a person has been threatened with actual bodily harm. 

However,  what do you do when one reaches beyond the computer and creates malicious havoc in your personal life? You can't simply ignore them when they invade your home telephone or postal mailbox.  Those who have been the targets of such malevolent evil behaviors are usually families that are already stressed by grief or of a traumatic experience and the most cruel of people will actually target those who are in vulnerable states of mind.

From those who have lost children in car accidents to parents and loved ones of those killed at war are targets of devious people who, like trolls, obtain satisfaction and delight in just knowing they've done an awful act to another, even when they are not present to see the damage they've created to another person's spirit.  They are actually cowards, many have very few people in their lives and obviously have no constructive outlets.  Many get away with it as they are difficult to identify. It's very sad, but true. Those that do these venomous acts merely do it for the thrill of causing disruption and sadness to other human beings.  Somewhere in their lives they skipped the "do unto others" lesson.

One of the very first conversations I have with a family member of a missing loved one is to tell them to absolutely, positively do not put their personal phone number, email address or cell phone as a point of contact on a missing person's poster.  While those who are seeking missing loved ones want to be able to be accessible, with every means possible, it will cause unnecessary stress as nearly every case I've handled in which a private contact was posted the family would invariably receive awful calls.  People will phone and say their loved one is deceased, or will tell the family their loved one is fine and with them and that they left purposely because "you treated them rotten." These are very mild examples compared to what I've heard families have experienced.

Recently, the Phoneix Police Department's Silent Witness program has offered a $1,000 reward for information that leads to the identification of a person who is mailing letters to homes in Arizona of young girls. Some as young as 8 years old. The alarming letters address the children by name and includes sexual connotations and vulgarity. Due to the nature of the letters, and the ages of the children addressed, criminal charges will be filed. First, however, he or she must be identified.  Thus far detectives have not been able to identify  the writer through collected DNA with registered sex offenders, unidentified sex offenders or inmates.  The investigation is ongoing and anyone with information may contact Phoenix police at 602-262-7626 or Silent Witness at 480-WITNESS.

Should you become a victim of a malicious anonymous person, there are actions that you can take depending on the severity of their acts. 

·         The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has an excellent program to report victims of child sexual exploitation. Simply go to http://www.missingkids.com  MySpace works very closely with NCMEC and they now have a special link to automatically report a site to the NCMEC if the user is exploiting children or is suspicious in nature as a site to entice children into pornography. 

·         Most police stations, even in small towns, now have Cyber Units that you can file reports if you've been threatened, stalked or harassed in a serious nature.  They will not accept cases of vulgar language or insinuating threats because they would be overwhelmed.  However, any bodily threat, stalking or continued harassment should be reported.

·         The Internet Crime Complaint Center was established between the FBI and the National White Collar Crime Center.  Their link is: http://www.ic3.gov  *Since its inception, the IC3 has received complaints crossing the spectrum of cyber crime matters, to include online fraud in its many forms including Intellectual Property Rights (IPR) matters, Computer Intrusions (hacking), Economic Espionage (Theft of Trade Secrets), Online Extortion, International Money Laundering, Identity Theft, and a growing list of Internet facilitated crimes. (*taken from the ic3.gov site)

·         An excellent site to learn more about Internet Trolls is located at the following link: http://www.flayme.com/troll/

·         Lastly, keep copies of any threats, stalking or negative emails that you may be receiving.  Document by screen saving public postings that are threatening.  Depress your CTRL key + Print Screen key, simultaneously, to copy screen.  Open word doc file, or email body and depress the CTRL+ V key simultaneously to paste.  Email to yourself and save it in a folder, or save the document file to your computer.