Am I Who He Says I Am?

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

One of the chief complaints of having been with a pathological is that you 'acquire' his view of you. In previous articles I discussed the 'pathological world view' which is the 'lens' through which he sees himself, others, and the world. This view of the world is processed through his own pathological disorder which is why his view of the world is not like a normal person's view. His view is negative, self- focused, grandiose, paranoid, critical, and self-promoting. He sees others as always wrong, out to get him, stupid or inept. He sees himself as right, the victim, or the only one that knows anything at all.

He sees you as the "revictimizer" of him, wonderful and yet horrible, needed and yet hated, smart yet dependent on him, in need of his brilliance, faulty without him, as pathological as he is--and the list goes on.

A lot of the work we do with women is to help them understand that what they are feeling is often the result of HIS pathological world view-thrust upon and used to define them.

Pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way, or develop insight about how one's behavior effects other. If he can't change:

•  He projects his inability on you, making the problem in the relationship YOUR fault or YOUR inability to change.
•  He acts as if you shouldn't ask him to change, or pretends he has changed, when he hasn't.
•  He makes you 'think' you are asking for something huge-something wrong for him to change, OR that only you need changing-he's fine.

If he can't grow in any meaningful way:   

• He projects his non-growth onto the relationship and suggests it's the relationship stagnation you are really experiencing. 
•  If you could only GROW to accept him in all his pathology, then the relationship would thrive.

If he can't develop insight about how his behavior affects others:  

• He projects his undeveloped insight on you and says these are your traits, and you simply don't understand "what you are doing to him." 
•  He says all his anger is yours, all his deviancy is yours, you are just as sick as he is which is why you are a great match, all his lying is yours, all his manipulations are yours.

That's because in pathology they are MASTER PROJECTORS. It is in fact, one of the "symptoms" of pathology. They take all their pathological attributes and say they are YOURS.

Over a period of time of this intense projection, several things happen:       

• She begins to believe these negative and disturbing attributes really are HER personality. 
•  She normalizes his behaviors (and the behaviors he claims are hers) so they seen less disturbing to her. 
•  Her self-esteem drops; she no longer looks for ways to disbelieve him about these attributes. 
•  If her self esteem drops low enough, she no longer seeks to leave.

Women who seek coaching through our phone support or retreat programs come in 'programmed' to believe HIS pathology is actually theirs. Some of our treatment is much like the treatment cult survivors or hostages would receive when they have been 'brainwashed' to believe they were bad so they were taken hostage.

Coercion techniques, the Stockholm Syndrome and other psychological hostage-taking maneuvers are common with women who have been in severely pathological relationships.

Would you take someone who was held as a prisoner of war and just send them home and tell them they will be fine? Would you tell them they don't need specialized help in order to reform their thinking to their former patterns of thought? Would you tell them to just go back to work or find someone else or go get on Match.com and all will be well?

In many cases, I have seen women come to our retreat program in the same "shape" as people suffering from Stockholm Syndrome-they are emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually exhausted. They have tapes playing in their heads that he is normal and she is sick. They have been told for so long by a brilliant pathological that they are mentally ill and should seek treatment. They have been told that everything that is black is really white, and that everything that is bad is really good.

The Master Projection he uses causes similar symptoms to people who have been held captive, thrust into cults, or held prisoner in other people's belief systems. These are intensely programmed beliefs that are not "removed" simply because you breakup. Lingering effects means that specialized treatment is required.

But the first step is recognizing these symptoms in yourself-that HIS pathological attributes have been assigned to you by him, and quite possibly none of them are true. Learning to sustain that belief is where help is often needed. Just for today, allow the possibility that none of what he said is really about you. See if all those attributes aren't really his.

Sandra L. Brown is the Founder of The Institute For Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  Visit her website if you want to learn more, or to take advantage of her services:  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Ready, Fire, Aim!

By Charles Moncrief

I did not kill John Kennedy. Trust me on this. More in a moment.

The day was Saturday, January 8, 2011. The place was Tucson, Arizona. The occasion was a rally featuring Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, a Democrat. A man shot the Congresswoman and several others, some of whom were wounded fatally.

Sounds dispassionate when expressed this way, doesn’t it? But doesn’t a dispassionate presentation stand up favorably alongside the usual lies, knee-jerk reactions, and gleefully predatory judgments that the media raise against everyone who exercises free speech? The anchors at the television and radio news outlets, without any facts, immediately attributed the shooting rampage to certain commentators and former political candidates whose intention is to change the government of the United States. A sheriff in Arizona vilified anyone who dares to raise a voice against the rulers we currently serve. And before we suggest that it was his ignorance that caused him to get this backwards -- about government’s role as to serve the people -- I’d suggest that he has expressed his belief intentionally. He’s an elected official, after all.

The rush-to-judgment accusations made by the usual suspects -- the members of the press and the various columnists -- will never be retracted. This is because they know that the false witness they have borne (a clear violation of Commandment #9, if we need a refresher) will stand forever. It’s intentional, and follows the precedent used by the IRS several years ago when they published that Mohammad Ali was being investigated for possible tax evasion. When the former boxer was cleared of wrongdoing (a charge that he never should have faced in the first place), little if any reporting occurred; fear-based compliance with IRS rules will always trump the truth.

Guilt by Association

Those who promote a certain political ideology (or seem to promote such) are now getting such rotten treatment that Rush Limbaugh is almost being pictured as the trigger man and Sarah Palin is being depicted as the gun moll. Whether you agree or disagree with either person, whether you like or dislike their manners of presentation, you can’t miss the immediate cheap shots taken at both of them by the media once the “(D)” appeared next to the Congresswoman’s name.

All I can do is thank God that the very few commentators who tried to bring racism into the false accusations were somehow silenced.

I lived in Dallas on November 22, 1963. I was too young to vote, but was aware of the differences between Richard Nixon and John Kennedy. I was also aware of the generally conservative tone in Dallas, but had no idea of the extent to which Dallas would be hated following the President’s assassination. Approximately a half million Dallasites were all guilty of murder in the eyes of the world, an attitude promoted by our respected news leaders of the time. But please trust me. Whether Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone or was part of a conspiracy, it was neither the city of Dallas nor its body of residents who pulled off this horrible event. My lifelong gratitude now goes to J. R. Ewing and Lorimar Productions for restoring Dallas to greatness in the eyes of the world. (Isn’t it ironic that the shooting of the main character did so much to heal the city’s image?)

Shifting Blame

Normally I would have written this article for some other outlet, rather than for this blog site. (But be assured that I would write this in any case!) But there is a direct bearing on the lives of anyone who survives violence and abuse.

Remember Tailhook and the questions that followed? Why did the women go into the part of the hotel where they would be molested by a group of Navy pilots celebrating? Remember the accusations that the women deserved to be fondled and abused since they went there?

Remember the accusations that Mary Jo Kopechne deserved to die at Chappaquiddick because she consorted with the Kennedy family?

Remember the accusations made against every woman who files charges against a rapist?

Remember the accusations made against a woman who goes to the emergency room as a result of domestic violence?

Does it not speak to a sickness in our society when we blame someone other than the person who committed a crime or other atrocity? Granted, there is a lot of profit in the “Sue the Money” philosophy that, among other things, puts a bar out of business when an intoxicated patron kills someone while behind the wheel.

But it is fashionable, and it even feeds a public addiction, to shift blame to someone other than the perpetrator. Parental upbringing, faulty public education, schoolyard bullying, and teenage heartbreaks are favorite targets for cocktail chatter now. Even insensitive pastoral counseling (did you think I’d leave myself and my colleagues out of this presentation?) become the stuff of accusation.

Reality of Responsibility

We truly need to force ourselves into a reality check.

The gunman who pulled the trigger in Tucson should be the focus of our attention.

The men who abused the women in the Tailhook scandal were responsible.

The boys who shot the people in Columbine High School were at fault.

The drunk behind the wheel of the car deserves to stand accountable.

The cause of whatever is wrong with my life may have someone else’s name on it: my father, my mother, my brother, my first-grade teacher, my seminary professor, et al. But the recovery from everything has MY name on it.

I’ll deviate from all I’ve said above, about shifting responsibility away from the perpetrator of atrocities such as the one in Tucson, with this alone: a paraphrase of statements by Michael Youssef, Billy Graham, and other leaders.

When we shove God out of our society, we leave a spiritual void that gets readily filled by the forces of evil and opens our lives to evil for which we have no legitimate appeal other than to beg for grace and mercy from the One from whom we have turned away.

May we once again turn back to the only hope for the world.

Grace and Peace,
Charles+

The Blame Game

By Gaetane Borders 

 June 25, 2009 is the date that one of the most iconic people in the world passed away.  His name was Michael Jackson.  He was a former child star whose celebrity grew to such proportions that other stars felt sorry for him about the amount of scrutiny he received from the media.  As the 1^st anniversary of his death approaches, more drama ensues….mirroring the life that he once led. 


As if on cue, just a few days ago Michael’s father, Joe Jackson, accused his estranged wife of not doing enough to prevent their son’s death.

He described the scene shortly after the news was confirmed that Michael was dead in a recent interview with News of The World:

“Katherine was weeping uncontrollably and highly upset. But I didn’t give her a hug because I was mad at her crying.

“I said, ‘If you had listened to me Michael would be living now!’ I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong.”

“I couldn’t bottle up my feelings. Katherine didn’t say a word – I had to get away from her. If she’d done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her. She could have made a difference.”

Katherine Jackson’s attorney swiftly issued a statement saying, “Joe Jackson's statements and conduct toward Mrs. Jackson are outrageous. The world knows Mrs. Jackson has always been a loving and caring mother and grandmother, and she had a very special relationship with Michael. The world also knows who Joe Jackson is and he seems bent on never letting us forget.” 


My goodness!  What a circus, and what a travesty.  During all the he said/she said drama that is playing out in the media, I do think that it is important to note that behaviors and personalities do not develop in a vacuum.  Rather, most experts agree, that they are the result of a combination between experiences and genetics (ie. Nature vs. nurture).  In Michael’s own words, his father’s severe parenting style caused him such anxiety that as an adult he was nauseous whenever his father was near.  Michael also described how his father teased him about his looks, and how this affected his self-esteem.  Now, I fall short of saying that these experiences single handedly caused the eccentric personality that Michael seemingly turned out to be, or his alleged drug addictions.  However, there is no doubt that they affected the person that Michael became.



What this Jackson family drama has helped to showcase is that despite having millions of dollars in an account, they still experience the ills that affect any average family.  In fact, despite the demonstrative manner in which it was done by Michael’s father, playing the blame game is a common occurrence that happens between parents after the death of a child.
According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, parents often experience more anger, depression, guilt, and physical symptoms than those grieving other losses. The “conflict can occur between the parents due to lack of understanding about each person's way of expressing grief. Marital problems, which were present before the child's death, can re-emerge, often with increased strength. Blaming can occur and the words that are said to each other in anger and grief can have a lifelong impact.”


The AAMFT recommends the following:

• Keep a journal; sometimes it is helpful to put down in words what you are feeling and thinking.
• Talk about your child, if you want to. Although it may be painful, it can help you heal.
• Take time to do a familiar activity with your family. This helps to provide stability when your world is feeling chaotic.
• Join a support group; parents often respond that becoming involved in bereavement groups helped them through their loss and with their relationship.
• Seek therapy when you, or others close to you, feel that your grief is becoming too difficult to bear, or is too prolonged.

I sincerely hope that Michael’s father carefully analyses his previous allegations hard enough to see just how damaging and hurtful his statements are to both his estranged wife and his other children.  Instead of focusing on what others may have done wrong, I encourage him to take time to reflect on his own actions (or inactions).  After all, you know what they say….when you point a finger at someone else, you have three others pointing back at you.  I’m just saying…….