Back to School Supplies-Did You Forget Something?

By Susie Kroll 

We are now head-long into the new school year.  I’m sure every parent has done there level best to provide school clothes, supplies, laptops, and all the other necessary accessories for their student to succeed.  But have they thought about the other crucial supply their student needs to be safe?  Have they taught their child about Dating Violence?

We send our children, tweens, and teens out into the world of school to gain the necessary knowledge to succeed and be productive citizens of society.  One of the most overlooked and under-utilized piece of knowledge is knowing how to recognize and prevent Dating Violence from happening to them.  Dating Violence is not unlike Domestic Violence in that it can strike anyone, any gender, any race, any orientation, and any socio-economic group at any time.  What’s that mean? Even your child could become a victim.  I am not saying this to be cruel.  I am however, saying it because sometimes fear is the only way to motivate someone into action.  If you love your child, you will learn about Dating Violence and how to prevent it.  If you fear for your child you will learn how to recognize the signs of Dating Violence before it escalates to death.  Make no mistake, I want you to be alarmed at what you are about to read.

-69% of all teens who had sex by age 14 said they have gone through one or more types of abuse in a relationship.

-40% of the youngest tweens, those between the ages of 11 and 12, report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships, and nearly one-in-ten (9%) say their friends have had sex.

-Nearly three-in-four tweens (72%) say boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually begin at age 14 or younger.

-Only half of all tweens (51%) claim to know the warning signs of a bad/hurtful relationship.

All of these statistics were provided by a 2008 study conducted by Liz Claiborne and www.loveisrespect.org.

Now, I’m sure you are wondering why this happens.  Here are some of the findings that www.ACADV.com has found.

Teen dating violence often goes unnoticed because teenagers typically:

• are inexperienced with dating relationships.
• are pressured by peers to act violently.
• want independence from parents.
• have "romantic" views of love.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

Young men may believe:

• they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.
• "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness.
• they should "possess" their partner.
• they should demand intimacy.
• they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:

• they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships
• their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."
• abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.
• there is no one to ask for help or to show them anything different.

Tweens and teens are inexperienced in dating and relationships and have a romanticized view of love and relationships.  This plays a huge role in why teens don’t recognize what is happening to them until the damage has already been done.  They have never been taught to choose what they want out of a relationship.  Moreover, they don’t think they have a right to choose what they want out of a relationship.

 

So where are your tweens and teens getting their relationship models from?  Do you want them to emulate your relationships? Those they see on TV?  Those of their peers at school? Those they see in the media or in celebrity circles?  Are you cringing yet?  Unless we provide our tweens and teens with the knowledge and power to recognize Dating Violence and to set their own relationship standards we have to assume that they are using less that positive examples. 

It is an incredibly powerful thing to tell a tween or teen that they have the right to say what they want out a relationship.  Tweens and teens have the right to say they want to be treated nicely, with respect, and love.  They have the right to privacy and to have time away from their partners.  They can say that they never want to be hit, yelled at, or emotionally abused.  Every parent should try it.  Tell your children they have rights.  Tell them they are worth it.  Tell them to choose their own boundaries about sex, partying, and dating.  Encourage them to make good choices and guide them toward those good choices.  

I thought it only fair to give a brief overview into what Dating Violence may look like and what some of the signs of Dating Violence were.

Here are some of the early warning signs that a Dating Relationship could become violent and dangerous.  If your tween or teen’s partner exhibits any of the following behaviors, it might be Dating Violence: 

Extreme jealousy Controlling behavior Quick romantic involvement Unpredictable mood swings Alcohol and drug use that magnify Dating Violence Explosive anger for seemingly little issues Isolates you from friends and family Uses force during an argument Tells you what to wear, how to act, what to do

Shows hypersensitivity Believes in rigid gender roles Blames others for their problems or feelings Cruelty to animals or children Verbally abusive Abused former partners Threatens violence Goes through your cell phone to see who you text, call, or view your pictures Checks up on you via Facebook, Twitter, etc

Here are some of the common indicators that your teen may be experiencing Dating Violence:

Physical signs of injury Truancy, dropping out of school Failing grades Inability to make healthy choices Changes in mood or personality Loss of interest in hobbies or friends Commonly making excuses for their  partner’s behavior

Use of drugs/alcohol Emotional outbursts Isolation from loved ones Weight gain or loss Moody and anxious Engaging in risky behaviors

Please learn more about Dating Violence and how to prevent it.  If you have more questions, then great, this article has done its job.  Give your tween or teen all the supplies they need to be successful at school, in life, and in all their current and future relationships.

Susie Kroll specializes in Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships.  For more information about Susie and how you can bring her to your school or event, please visit www.susiekroll.com or schedule with ImaginePublicity  contact@imaginepublicity.com

Teen-Speak!

By Susie Kroll

Parent (to their child): Sometimes I just don’t understand what you are thinking or why you are doing what you are doing.  Why are you acting like this?

Child (to their parent):  I’m fine.  I don’t know.  It is nothing.

This is a common conversation heard around the country.  It could be related to earning and F on a math test, not doing their chores, getting caught drinking or doing drugs, or about a really high cell phone bill.  Even still, it could be what a parent is thinking about their child’s behavior and actions and the hopeless answers they keep getting from their teen.  Some parents just can’t decipher teen-speak.  So, they assume that their child understood what they said and hope for the best because they really want to trust their child would tell them is something was really wrong.  

Having been a teen (pretty recently), keeping immersed in the teen culture, and talking with teens on a regular basis, I have learned something I feel is very valuable.  “I don’t know” doesn’t mean they don’t really know.  It means that they have a lot of thoughts swirling around in their heads, things they want to say but don’t really know how to articulate properly, they don’t want to sound stupid, get in trouble, and/or don’t think their parents would understand what they are going through.  “I don’t know” is the safe and easy answer.

Adults have a tendency to think that the “real world” is after school or college when one finally enters the workforce.  It is when someone has a mortgage, rent, jobs, and an adult relationship.  There is a tendency to think (or hope) that the romantic relationships their teens are having in junior high and high school are cute and innocent puppy love type romances.  It is about passing notes, saying I love you, holding hands, and making out at the movies.   As a speaker/educator about Teen Dating Violence I am always in junior high and high schools speaking to teens.  I also have the opportunity to participate in teen youth fairs, YMCA community events, National Night Outs, and other awareness events.  The kids in attendance are, on average, 9 and 10 or older.  More often than not my booth is met with opposition or at least rejection.  Here are just a few of the things that I hear on a regular basis.

“I don’t have to worry about that for years yet.”

“My child won’t be dating until they are 30.”

“Nothing like that would ever happen to my kid.”

“Don’t you think you’re presenting this stuff to kids that are too young?”

If they don’t talk to me, the parents’ body language says it all.  They read the banner, grab their kids’ hands, and hurry them past my booth.  Don’t get me wrong, my booth isn’t the most fun topic but I do put coloring pages out that say “Hands Are Not for Hitting,” candy is strewn everywhere, and have cool prizes for those that do come and talk with me.  Still, I see denial of Teen Dating Violence and its existence in their kids’ lives in 9 out of 10 faces. 

You must be wondering what my point is.  First, About 45% of girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured into either intercourse or oral sex.  (Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited-February 2005).  Second, About 57% of teens know someone who has been physically, sexually, or verbally abusive in a dating relationship.  (Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Unlimited).

If your kids are living it, then it is the “Real World.”  They are experiencing it and for better or worse they are making very adult choices.  More so, these choices are being made at a very early age.  Teens and tweens are learning from the examples set in front of them.  They learn about relationships from their peers, from the media, from their parents, from 90210, Gossip Girl, Teen Mom, and other reality shows.  Teens and tweens are entering into dating relationships as early as 6^th grade.  If they aren’t getting positive guidance from home where are they getting it?  And is it good advice?

Don’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.  Watch their behaviors and be involved in what your teens and tweens are doing.  Be a resource for guidance without lecturing.  Don’t be afraid to discipline your teen or tween but know when listening and guiding is more appropriate than grounding and punishment.  Your child could be acting out to get your attention, to show you what’s wrong because they don’t know how to tell you. 

Get educated early about Teen Dating Violence and educate your child so that you are proactive in their care.  Prepare them so they know what the signs of Teen Dating Violence are.  If they recognize them then good choices can be made before serious harm is done.  It is my goal to help end Teen Dating Violence with prevention rather than reaction.  It is much safer to have your child know what is wrong and right in a relationship and end it before it gets really bad rather than to hear they are in the ER or dead because they (and you) just didn’t know what to look for. 

Susie Kroll works towards prevention of Teen Dating Violence through education and awareness.  You can follow her blog, Teach Our Teens and Save Their Lives for up to date information.