Am I Who He Says I Am?

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

One of the chief complaints of having been with a pathological is that you 'acquire' his view of you. In previous articles I discussed the 'pathological world view' which is the 'lens' through which he sees himself, others, and the world. This view of the world is processed through his own pathological disorder which is why his view of the world is not like a normal person's view. His view is negative, self- focused, grandiose, paranoid, critical, and self-promoting. He sees others as always wrong, out to get him, stupid or inept. He sees himself as right, the victim, or the only one that knows anything at all.

He sees you as the "revictimizer" of him, wonderful and yet horrible, needed and yet hated, smart yet dependent on him, in need of his brilliance, faulty without him, as pathological as he is--and the list goes on.

A lot of the work we do with women is to help them understand that what they are feeling is often the result of HIS pathological world view-thrust upon and used to define them.

Pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way, or develop insight about how one's behavior effects other. If he can't change:

•  He projects his inability on you, making the problem in the relationship YOUR fault or YOUR inability to change.
•  He acts as if you shouldn't ask him to change, or pretends he has changed, when he hasn't.
•  He makes you 'think' you are asking for something huge-something wrong for him to change, OR that only you need changing-he's fine.

If he can't grow in any meaningful way:   

• He projects his non-growth onto the relationship and suggests it's the relationship stagnation you are really experiencing. 
•  If you could only GROW to accept him in all his pathology, then the relationship would thrive.

If he can't develop insight about how his behavior affects others:  

• He projects his undeveloped insight on you and says these are your traits, and you simply don't understand "what you are doing to him." 
•  He says all his anger is yours, all his deviancy is yours, you are just as sick as he is which is why you are a great match, all his lying is yours, all his manipulations are yours.

That's because in pathology they are MASTER PROJECTORS. It is in fact, one of the "symptoms" of pathology. They take all their pathological attributes and say they are YOURS.

Over a period of time of this intense projection, several things happen:       

• She begins to believe these negative and disturbing attributes really are HER personality. 
•  She normalizes his behaviors (and the behaviors he claims are hers) so they seen less disturbing to her. 
•  Her self-esteem drops; she no longer looks for ways to disbelieve him about these attributes. 
•  If her self esteem drops low enough, she no longer seeks to leave.

Women who seek coaching through our phone support or retreat programs come in 'programmed' to believe HIS pathology is actually theirs. Some of our treatment is much like the treatment cult survivors or hostages would receive when they have been 'brainwashed' to believe they were bad so they were taken hostage.

Coercion techniques, the Stockholm Syndrome and other psychological hostage-taking maneuvers are common with women who have been in severely pathological relationships.

Would you take someone who was held as a prisoner of war and just send them home and tell them they will be fine? Would you tell them they don't need specialized help in order to reform their thinking to their former patterns of thought? Would you tell them to just go back to work or find someone else or go get on Match.com and all will be well?

In many cases, I have seen women come to our retreat program in the same "shape" as people suffering from Stockholm Syndrome-they are emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually exhausted. They have tapes playing in their heads that he is normal and she is sick. They have been told for so long by a brilliant pathological that they are mentally ill and should seek treatment. They have been told that everything that is black is really white, and that everything that is bad is really good.

The Master Projection he uses causes similar symptoms to people who have been held captive, thrust into cults, or held prisoner in other people's belief systems. These are intensely programmed beliefs that are not "removed" simply because you breakup. Lingering effects means that specialized treatment is required.

But the first step is recognizing these symptoms in yourself-that HIS pathological attributes have been assigned to you by him, and quite possibly none of them are true. Learning to sustain that belief is where help is often needed. Just for today, allow the possibility that none of what he said is really about you. See if all those attributes aren't really his.

Sandra L. Brown is the Founder of The Institute For Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  Visit her website if you want to learn more, or to take advantage of her services:  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

"Are Feelings Facts?"

 By Sandra L. Brown


Women don't know whether to trust what they feel or not. Are you confused over whether feelings are factual or if they are fiction? You're not alone. Women struggle where to draw the line between believing what they think and questioning it. 


On one hand, feelings can be red flags in the beginning or in the midst of the relationship. Red flags can be emotional, physical, or spiritual warnings of what is happening or what is yet to be. 


Emotional red flags are feelings you get while in the relationship--constant worry, dread, wondering, suspicion, anxiety, depression, or obsession. Often the emotional red flags are quickly noticed by other people in your lives who point out that you have changed since the relationship--and not for the good. Lots of times women don't want to 'hear' about their emotional changes since being in the relationship. 


Other times, women already KNOW they are having emotional red flags about him or aspects of the relationship.


In either case, it's important to know that emotional red flags can be GOOD PREDICTORS OF THE POTENTIAL LONGEVITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Many women notice that the red flags they had at the beginning of the relationship ARE the reasons the relationship eventually end. So emotional red flags can be great tools and often accurate. 


Waiting for feelings to become 'facts' before you act on them can be very dangerous. In the case of emotional red flags (and your intuition), responding NOW instead of later can help you exit the relationship quickly. By the time a feeling IS A FACT, many things could have happened.
(For more info on red flags, see the first few chapters of the Dangerous Man book.) 


ON THE OTHER HAND (there's always 'an other hand' isn't there?)--women wonder if the intense feelings they are having are an indicator of 'true love' or why would they be having them? Women often experience confusing emotions when trouble starts in the relationship. She either becomes confused when the relationship turns bad or she becomes confused when she has ended the relationship. This confusion takes the form of "if he was so mean to me, why do I still have feelings for him? I must still love him if I can't stop thinking about him even if he did bad things. Do my feelings mean I should go back with him?"


In these cases 'feelings' are not facts. It is human nature to seek attachment and bonding. When that is ripped away there is an emptiness that happens. Women often think that 'means' that they were in love if they experience the aftermath of 'loss.' It just means you are feeling the loss. 


Women often think that since they 'miss the good times of the relationship' they must miss him. What women actually often are missing is the 'feelings' that were generated in the relationship when it was good. Women miss feeling of being 'in love' or 'attached' or 'wanted and desired' or 'safe and secure.' When women can separate out what they really 'miss' they often can see that 'he' represented those feelings she was having. She misses the feelings of the illusion of being in a good relationship.  


Missing 'him' might not really be 'missing him.' Who is 'him' -- the dangerous man/cheater/liar/or pathological? You miss that 'him'? No. You miss the feelings of being in love. 


Tell yourself -- "What I am missing are the feelings of being in a good relationship.' Remind yourself of that when you mis-interpret those feelings as meaning you 'want him back.' Often that isn't the case. Recognize that this very 'feeling' thing is what propels women right back out there seeking to 'feel loved' again and attach to those feelings you are missing. It places women very 'at-risk' of repeating the same mistake. 


Here---try this. Draw a line down the middle of the page. On one side, list the feelings you miss having. On the other side, list the dangerous man traits/behaviors/incidents. 


Now take a look. Which do you really miss? 


Feelings can be accurate when we are getting red flags in the relationship. Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging whether to return to relationship because we think we 'miss' him when in fact, what we miss are the feelings that were generated in the relationship. 


Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging the intensity and equate that with love or something healthy in the relationship. Understanding the importance of 'feelings' in all stages of a relationship can help you recognize just 'what' your feelings are telling you and when to heed them and when to be a little suscipious of their messages to you!