Who's Counting? 1,2,3... 34?

(Picture from OABI)

By Karen Rae Elkins

Putting a number on the number of offenses you will endure from an intimate partner before you attempt to report the abuse, takes my breath away. I was talking to an Ontario Provincial Police Officer, a woman who worked the domestic violence unit. She said studies show a woman does not report the abuse until the 34th offense. Thirty Fourth, 34 x's, Mid-thirties, any way you write it or say it, 34 is 34 times too many. That's like finishing 34th in a tournament of 34 boats.

So what happens between the first violent act and the 34th? A whole bunch of excuses, accusations, and threats that stack up until they cast a shadow over the light of day. Your memory becomes dull so that the pain you feel is replaced with a distant numbness. Your ability to communicate you feelings seems to be under constant attack. You carry the fear of failure because you are, according to the abuser, "A disappointment", "A failure at everything that brings you joy or happiness".

For me, I just got bold and said, no more. It was 2005 when my boat left the Mad Winds of just taking it. The time had come to lay low on a lake somewhere and work through the creeks of right and wrong. I never returned, never considered going back. My disbelief had mushroomed into lying: lying to myself, and lying and others. The proof that he was abusive was there the first time. Each event might have been a different strategy of abuse or a reflection of the older stuff. Like the weather, it changed, like a stretch of domino's my spirit fell, and fell, and fell, until it lay motionless on the floor.

The last time would be just that, the last time. I promised myself I would leave, I didn't like the way I was living. I waited for a change that I would never see. I didn't know at the time that abuse never changes. There will always be a next time, and a time after that time, and a whole bunch of regretted past times.
Who's counting? Are you dwelling in abuse? Have you figured out where you are on this scale? Are you willing to acknowledge the survivor in you? Women just like you and me have survived through the ages. With all honesty, ask yourself, "Will I survive until the 34 th offense? What about the one's who never see the 34th chance to report a crime was committed? Be a part of their voice, share in building a life without violence in their memory.

If this is your time to say no more, seek the advise of professionals in the field. Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous. The chances of retaliation come swiftly after you leave. Be smart and survive because you want to... Because you can.

Fish steady in all you do. Love from Lake St. Fransis, in the peaceful fishing town of Salaberry de Valleyfield, Quebec, Canada.

One last thought before I fish:

Today is my birthday! My birthday wish for you is that the river of protection flow over you while the call to leave stirs in your soul. Tomorrow, I compete in one of the largest tournaments in Canada, the Berkley B-1. Anglers from 4 provinces and the U. S. compete for the opportunity to B the 1, be the winner. I am fishing with Pro Kasey Fedoriw, my future husband and best friend. If you are reading this note from me, it's not to late to Be The One who wins by leaving your abusive partner. I'm not shooting for 34 th place, anymore. When I left my situation a desire to finish first was born.

Karen Rae Elkins is a survivor of intimate partner violence as well as a professional women's angler.  She has always been an inspiration to others, assisting and advising through her advocacy and example.

From Bullying To Suicide…Jaheem’s Story

By Gaetane Borders

There is a serious and prevalent issue occurring with children in schools.  It is something that greatly affects children’s self-esteem and self-worth, and can also sometimes lead to clinical depression and suicide.  It is called bullying. In fact, the American Justice Department says that each month 1 out of every 4 kids will be abused by another youth.  In addition, another 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of bullies, while 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.

So what exactly is bullying, you might ask?  Perhaps you envision a mean, stocky child who takes lunch money away from a meek classmate.  Or, perhaps you recall the teasing that has occurred for years on the playground.  Bullying can involve a variety of behaviors, but all involve an antagonistic person or a group of people who repeatedly try to harm someone who is vulnerable. It often times involves physical violence, threatening, making repeatedly demeaning comments, intimidation, and stealing.  However, bullying can also be less direct, as bullies may chose to make life difficult for children by encouraging others to isolate them, or by starting humiliating and demeaning rumors. In fact, most experts report that the majority of bullying is actually verbal and nonphysical.

Recently, many stories have been reported about children who have committed suicide as a result of bullying.  In Atlanta, GA, news about Jaheem Herrara has garnered a lot of attention.  As reported by CNN…

“Eleven-year-old Jaheem Herrera woke up on April 16 acting strangely. He wasn't hungry and he didn't want to go to school. But the outgoing fifth grader packed his bag and went to school at Dunaire Elementary School in DeKalb County, Georgia.

He came home much happier than when he left in the morning, smiling as he handed his mother, Masika Bermudez, a glowing report card full of A's and B's. She gave him a high-five and he went upstairs to his room as she prepared dinner.

A little later, when his younger sister called him to come down to eat, Jaheem didn't answer. So mother and daughter climbed the stairs to Jaheem's room and opened the door.  Jaheem was hanging by his belt in the closet.”

His mother, Masika Bermudez, has emphatically stated that the bullying that her son endured caused him to take his life.  Reportedly, Jaheem had been physically assaulted and teased by his classmates.  According to news reports, Bermudez thinks her son felt like nobody wanted to help him, and that nobody stood up for him when he pleaded for help.

Parents and educators can help to make a difference by simple being aware that it occurs, and addressing it.  Minimizing such situations communicates to children that it is tolerable.  Instead, listen attentively to what your child is saying to you, and if they report that someone is making them feel threatened, assure them that it is not their fault and that it is wrong.  However, please note that children often do not report bullying to parents and teachers because they may fear retaliation, are ashamed, or may simple want to fit in with their peer group.  Adults should take notice of any behavioral changes such as depressed mood, changes in appetite, a decline in grades, a lack of desire to participate in social activities that they once enjoyed, or talking about suicide.  These are all signs that a child is in serious distress.  Please do not simply assume it to be normal childlike growing pains.  Instead, show support, and most importantly, intervene to ensure that the bullying ends.

Sincerely,

Gaétane F. Borders, MA, ABD

Certified School Psychologist

Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)

www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids