Conquering the Narcissist

photo by Gabe Walker

by Michelle Simonsen

You know there is a problem. It’s not you. But you’ve been told it’s you. Just smile and nod your head. ‘Thank you.’ ‘You are totally right.’ ‘I don’t know what I would do without you.’ Blah, blah, blah.

The narcissist. We’ve seen them in the public eye. Donald Trump. Bernie Madoff. Lance Armstrong. Charlie Sheen. Guess what? Most narcissists are not on television. They walk among us. They are your husbands, your bosses, clergy, and even your children. They can easily ruin lives. They wreak havoc in the boardroom, the courtroom, and the family room.

Don’t fool yourself. A well-developed narcissist cannot be cured. Narcissists are resistant to change, making it almost impossible for them to recognize their own behaviors in order to save their relationships or careers. If you insist on having a relationship with a narcissist despite the bleak prognosis you’ve been given, you’ll need to arm yourself for psychological warfare. Learn to conquer the narcissist--before they conquer you.

When dealing with a narcissist, ignorance is not bliss, and knowledge is power. Educate yourself. You must be able to recognize a narcissist before you can correctly handle them and the situation. Caution: Handle with care!

WHAT IS A NARCISSIST?

Narcissism is an excessive fixation on oneself. The personality disorder was named after a mythological Greek youth named Narcissus who became obsessed after falling in love with his own reflection in a lake.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines narcissistic personality disorder as:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. He or she will exaggerate achievements and talents and expects to be recognized as superior.

2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations of others.

6. Is exploitative. He or she will take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.

7. Lacks empathy. Narcissists are unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes. 1

Other pervasive traits include constant interruption and domination of conversations, whether it be one-on-one, or in a group. A narcissist believes that if you are not special and superior like them, you are worthless. They will criticize not only you, but also everyone around them that doesn’t agree with them. Beware: If the narcissist is criticized or “attacked”, they will react with anger and inner humiliation. This will trigger rifts, arguments, and ultimately, alienation of friends, colleagues or family. A narcissist is incapable of successful long term, healthy relationships.

CAUSES OF NARCISSISM?

The etiology of narcissism is unknown, but researchers and experts believe that several factors occurring in early childhood may lead to narcissistic behavior. Some of these circumstances include excessive praise and admiration of a child by a parent that is never balanced with realistic feedback. Overindulgence by parents, family, and friends is also thought to be linked with narcissism. On the other hand, narcissistic personality disorder can also originate from severe emotional abuse or trauma during early childhood, including unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents. 2

A FOOL IN LOVE

Lynn was married to a pathological narcissist for over 20 years. She didn’t see the signs at age 18, when she met him in high school. He was good looking and irresistible with an abundance of superficial charm and charisma. He fooled everyone around him because he was a master at first impressions and false bravado. He was a compulsive and pathological liar. He had countless affairs, made up educational pursuits and degrees, and exaggerated stories about people he knew and where he’d been.

It took her many years to learn that she had been duped.

Throughout their marriage, Lynn’s husband was constantly fired from jobs. It was never “his fault”, instead blaming others for the discord. He burned bridges right and left. Like an abusive relationship, he kept Lynn controlled and isolated from family and had few friends. He expected undying loyalty and respect from everyone, but would turn on you

in a second if crossed or his logic was questioned. He found humor in making people upset or cry, and never apologized for his offending behavior. Why would he? In his eyes, it didn’t affect him, so it wasn’t his problem.

STUCK WITH A NARCISSIST? TIPS AND COPING SKILLS

• Lower your expectations. One shouldn’t have to lower their expectations in a relationship, but when dealing with a narcissist, there aren’t many choices. Please realize that your relationship will be completely one-sided because they are not capable of filling your emotional needs. Expect that they will exploit you by monopolizing your attention and demand that their needs and desires are attended to at all times. Remember, the narcissist lacks empathy and will never know (or care) that you are unhappy or have feelings.

• Don’t rock the boat. Choose your battles wisely. Never question the narcissist’s knowledge or point out his/her lack of knowledge. They must be “right” at all times. Be prepared to listen, but don’t plan on speaking. Don’t forget--you must forego your own opinions and ideas. Incorporating praise and admiration throughout any interaction with the narcissist is a must.

• Learn to keep yourself at an emotional distance. The narcissist will try to make you dependent upon them. If you keep your independence the narcissist is more likely to respect you.

• Master the ability to foresee bad behavior and reiterate to the narcissist the consequences for the specific behavior. Make sure you both know what your non-negotiables are, because this is where you MUST draw the line.

• Learn how to manipulate. Example: Your boyfriend never wants to see your family during the holidays. Turn it around and make it about him, “We should go to my parents for the holidays. They think you are so funny, they just love your stories!”

• Take back control. If you are able, limit your interaction with the narcissist. Keep your boss at arms length and avoid idle chatter. If your father is an unbearable, self-centered egomaniac, put a time limit on your conversation.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Assess the reason why you are in this relationship. What are you getting out of it? Are your needs being met? Weigh the pros and cons of why you remain in this toxic liaison. If you are not getting what you want, walk away. Never love anything that can’t love you back.

1 Narcissistic personality disorder – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth edition Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) American Psychiatric Association (2000)

2 "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Personality Disorders – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Armenian Medical Network. 2006. Retrieved 2007-02-14





Michelle Simonsen is an outspoken activist and true crime blogger well known for the grass-roots campaign,"Boycott Aruba," surrounding the time of the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

Emotional Phantom Limb Pain

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

In a session someone says "I really miss what we had. I could get over this if it hadn't been in the most wonderful relationship of my life. I just feel like something has been cut out of me. Like I'm missing a big part of myself now."

Pathology is marked by the issue of illusion. It's why our logo is a mask because it best represents the mirage of normalcy that pathologicals can often project, at least for a while. Cleckley from the 1940’s was a writer about pathology  and referred to it as "The Mask of Sanity." He states that pathology gives all the surface signals of deep connection, the most fun ever experienced with someone else, someone who is really into you yet behind the curtain you are being used as a distraction, a pay check, grotesquely as a "vaginal doormat" or some other form of "feeding" for the pathological piranha.

What you are experiencing you are internally labeling as "normal" or "wonderful" or "love" and yet it really isn't any of those things. It's just a label of experience you have tagged him with. If someone else was watching your relationship as a movie and watched the scene in which the pathological is exposed for what he is, your scene would be tagged and labeled by the watcher very differently than how you thought of your own experience.

That's because the watchers would see the pathological's behaviors and words as manipulative and the watcher would undergo a distinctly different view of the storyline. Your labeling of your experience isn't always accurate. As I often say, "Your thinking is what got you into this pathological relationship. Don't always believe what you think."

Being invested in being correct is part of the human condition and is in part, the way our brains work. The more important the question such as "Does he love me? Is this THE one?" The greater the pleasure will seem from labeling the experience as positive. The more positive the relationship is perceived, the more invested you will be to label the experiences and his behavior as positive and to get the reward of your label such as "him, marriage, or the relationship." Of course none of this is problematic except if you have misread the illusion, believed the mask, and labeled an experience with a narcissist, anti-social, or socio/psychopath as "positive."

The illusion is that:

* He was normal

* He was in love with you

* He was what he said he was

* And he did what he said he did.

In pathology, that's never the case.

* Their attachments are surface (which isn't love)

* They are mentally disordered (which is not normal)

* They never present themselves as disordered/sexually promiscuous/and incapable of love (so he wasn't what he said he was)

* And they harbor hidden lives filled with other sex partners, hook ups, criminality, or illegal/moral behavior (so they don't disclose what he's really up to).

What you had (that you can't possibly miss) is a pathological relationship.

What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion-to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

Women often say when they try to break up they have the feeling that something is cut out of them. They feel like they are missing a part of themselves. This sensation is similar to what is called "phantom limb pain" that is a medical mystery of sorts. When a person has an arm that is accidentally amputated, the portion of the brain that use to receive sensory messages about the existing arm goes through a series of changes that causes it to misread the brain message and creates the "ghostly" illusion that the arm is still there and in pain.

Even though the patient can see that the arm is gone and what they are experiencing is an illusion, they can't stop the distressing phantom limb sensations of wanting to believe the arm is still there, the arm is in pain, the arm is anything but gone.  The amputee must learn to cope differently by beginning with relabeling the experience they are having which is the pretense of the arm is a perceptual illusion.

So it is with those leaving the illusionary pathological love relationship. The emotional pain you experience is based on the illusion the pathological presented, a perceptual illusion that was mislabeled, experienced as positive and invested in. Keeping that positive illusion is initially important to you. Learning to adjust the cognitive dissonance which is the ping ponging between he was good/he was bad is the challenge in overcoming the ghostly emotional baggage of phantom relationship pain.

Am I Under His Spell - Part II

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

(Please refer to Part 1 Am I Under His 'Spell?' )

Last month we started to talk about the very REAL issue of trance in relationship with pathologicals.

Women feel "under his spell," "spell bound," "mesmerized," "hypnotized," "spaced out," and "not in control of their own thoughts".  All of these are ways of saying that various levels of covert and subtle mind-control have been happening by the pathological.  And why wouldn't it be happening? These are power-hungry people who live to exert their dominance over others.

The ‘physio-psycho-pneuma’ control exerted by the pathological includes control of your body (physio), mind (psycho), and/or spirit (pneuma). Mind Control techniques are used on prisoners of war, in cults, and in hostage taking. It obviously works or there wouldn't be "techniques" and bad people wouldn't use it.

Mind control, brain washing, coercion are all words for the same principles that are used to produce the results of reducing your own effectiveness and being emotionally overtaken by someone intent on doing so. Here are the conditions of mind control:

* Perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator would carry out the threat.

* Perceived small kindness from the captor/perpetrator to the captive.

* Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor/perpetrator.

* Perceived inability to escape.

Mind control then produces dissociation which is a form of a trance state. This occurs when the mind becomes overloaded causing one to "step outside of yourself" to relieve the stress. Dissociation and trance happen during abuse in childhood as well as in something like an adult rape. Prolonged mind control in adults will even produce trance states during which adults begin to feel like they are being controlled.  All of this is common aftermath symptoms from exposure to pathology. A person’s normal psychology is not wired to be able to withstand exposure to someone else’s chronic, pathological, and abnormal psychology.

Next time, we'll continue our discussion on other forms of trance states and spellbound conditions.

Chronic Personality Problems in Problem Relationships

By Sandra L. Brown

In our first segment, I discussed that all abusers are not created equal. That means not all abusers treatment is going to be effective. Ultimately, not all problem relationships have a solution. That's not popular to hear--but it is realistic. If people who are in problem relationships want to avoid future problem relationships, they have to understand what contributes to permanent disorders and the signs within the behavior.

There is no doubt that chronic personality problems wreak havoc in relationships. If we looked a little closer at what we call 'domestic violence, abusive, chronic, or dyfunctional' relationships, we would notice that the worst of these have commonalities. (No abuse is mild. I'm not suggesting that. What I am trying to hone on is the chronicity and lethality of some of the relationships that are not treatable).

When looking at the behaviors associated with problem partners with permanent problems, we have to do two things. Look broadly at the symptoms, but not so broadly that we find loopholes. Normally, one symptom off a behavioral list does not constitute one of the now referred to as 'severe personality disorders' or the no conscienced disorders of sociopathy or psychopathy. However, they don't need to have all of these traits in order to be destructive or even diagnosed with the disorder. Those in relationships with problem partners often fail on the side of 'too much empathy' and give them more credit for not having these symptoms than what is warranted. Somewhere in the middle of one trait-too-many is a snap shot of problem partners. Here are some of the behaviors associated with severe personality disorders and socio/psychopathy. 

To make this the emotional reality check it should be, check off any traits you are WILLING to have in an intimtate relationship or father-material for your child:

___Disregard for, and the violation of, the rights of others

___Failure to conform to lawful social norms

___Deceitfulness Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

___Irritability and aggressiveness as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

___Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others

___Consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial

        obligations   

(Above are related to Antisocial Personality Disorder)

___ Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent about having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another

___ Glib and superficial charm

___ Grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self

___ Need for stimulation

___ Pathological lying

___ Cunning and manipulativeness

___ Lack of remorse or guilt

___ Shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)

___ Callousness and lack of empathy

___ Parasitic lifestyle

___ Poor behavioral controls

___ Sexual promiscuity

___ Early behavior problems

___ Lack of realistic long-term goals

___ Impulsivity irresponsibility

___ Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

___ Many short-term relationships

___ Juvenile delinquency

___ Revocation of conditional release

___ Criminal versatility

(Above are related to Sociopaths/Psychopaths)

___ Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

___ Intense and unstable personal relationships that over idealize and devalue

___ Identity disturbance with unstable self image or sense of self impulsivity in at least two areas

        (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

___ Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-mutilation

___ Emotional instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic irritability or anxiety)

___ Chronic feelings of emptiness

___ Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

(Above are related to Borderline Personality Disorder)

___ A grandiose sense of self importance

___ Exaggerates their achievements and talents

___ Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

___ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

___ Believes that he is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should only associate with,

        other special or other high-status people or institutions.

___ Requires excessive admiration

___ Has a sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or

        automatic compliance with his expectations

___ Is interpersonally exploitative within relationships and takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

___ Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

___ Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

___ Shows an arrogant, haughty behavior or attitude

(Above are related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

Did you see any 'must haves' for your 'how-to-have-a-happy-life' relationship checklist? I didn't think so.

Thats because this list is not mild relational infractions or merely Dr.Phil 'deal breakers'. These are permanent pathology that can emotional mangle or even kill you or your children. These lists are profiles are those who go on to do the most damage, the chronic repeated abuse, the child abductions, stalking, rape, and killing. These are the abusers who are not created equal, who have permanent brain and personality disorders that bypass what psychology can do for them. Anger management--nope. Batterer intervention--nope. Intensive psychotherapy--nope. Pathology is noted for it's Three Inabilities (Brown, 2005):

* Inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth

* Inability to sustain positive change

* Inability to develop insight how their behavior negatively effects others

These inabilities are the hallmark of permanent and chronic disorders that create chronic problem relationships. 

Bring your check list above next time when I talk about how these charactersitics effect the relationship dynamics! 

(For more information on Problem Partners contact us at www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)