Intense Attachments

photo by Robin Monroe 

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While people around her have easy and rational answers about how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment process is harder with pathological persons than with anyone else.

No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an 'emotional vortex' pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics. As we study these particular attachments we see that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can't define or adequately describe. These qualities includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in 'mind control,' the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced, but paralyzed from action.

Normal motivations do not motivate her:

·         not her current roller-coaster mental health

·         not her other family relationships

·         not her declining health

·         not her children

·         not her job

·         not any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care.

No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high-functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a catatonic/hypnotized/brain washed version of her former self.

An hour a week at the counselor's office has done little to un-wedge her from this super-glued relationship. The sessions haven't recognized the hypnotic entrancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, or the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. They also haven't unveiled the death grip pathologicals can have on a squirming victim, or the mind control that sucks the willpower and brain function from her.

Physically and emotionally exhausted from too many 'go-rounds' with him, there isn't enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from being worn down by the pathological. Without emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just 'allows' the relationship to roll like waves washing over the top of her. As the waves continue, her strength erodes away further. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical breakdown including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships.

With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near-record low, many women have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, have been in car accidents or sporting injuries because of their inability to concentrate. Often the first step toward education is to have her inventory what her relationship with a pathological has cost her.

The disengagement process is a supported function often by counselors or The Institute in which education, acceptance of his diagnosis, self care re-initiation, symptom management and then the full recovery process is necessary. Some need short term programs that help them kick start their own recovery such as our retreats or intensives with Sandra.

Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Somewhere she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she use to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, counseling, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs. If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now--to minimize the effects of the growing PTSD and the intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, you must first understand the intensity of attachment in order to break it. Our Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships retreat is a great tool for loosening the pathologicals emotional death grip.

Why is this dangerous guy so hard to leave?

For more information about Sandra L. Brown, MA and the services of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education, refer to their website:  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Power of Relapsing

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Never before in my 20 year career have I seen more 'relapsing back into pathological relationships' than I have lately.

Women:  What's wrong with me? Why do I do this?

Sandra:  I don't know....why DO you do it?

Women: I didn't know what I was doing...

Sandra: Yes you did. Contact is a choice.

Women:  I just thought he changed this time.

Sandra: No you didn't---you know pathology is permanent.

Women: I was lonely.

Sandra: Loneliness is not fatal--but these relationships often are.

Remember: your loneliness and need does not change his permanent disorder.

Nothing has changed except your thoughts about him and the relationship. That's the only change. Since pathology is marked by an inability to change and sustain positive change, your change of thoughts is the only change in the relationship. And maybe your desire or need.

Relapsing begins FIRST in the mind long before it becomes a behavior-seeking missile fired off to destroy yourself and your recovery. This is why being in a Pathological Love Relationship Support Group is so important---whether that's in a chat forum, an in-person support group you attend, or an online tele-conferencing group. You need support that keeps your THINKING  outside of the fantasy zone. Without support, you are likely to sink right back into the old fantasy hopefulness that keeps you glued to a go-nowhere and dangerous relationship.

Relapse Thinking sounds like this in your head:

• · You take all the material you've learned from books or online back to the pathological. You try to convince the pathological that they are disordered and need help.
• · You tell the pathological what your counselor said about them, you, or the relationship. You hope the weight of a professional's words will change the pathological's mind about their condition.
• · You say, "Now that I 'think' I know what 'might' be wrong with the pathological, I'll wait and watch for him to demonstrate these behaviors. Then I'll have evidence for why I'm leaving."
• · When the pathological, DOES demonstrate one of the behaviors, you either point it out to them as proof you were right, or, you find reasons why the behavior isn't 'exactly' what you read and therefore, they may not be pathological after all.
• · You read the materials and literature looking to find all the traits the pathological doesn't have. You re-read the literature on good days so you can cross off behaviors the pathological isn't demonstrating today.
• · You find reasons to disbelieve the literature about the disorder.
• · You avoid your counselor, our website, or others who know about the disorder.
• · You become 'spiritually hopeful' so you can stay in the relationship because God is going to heal them.
• · You begin reading Positive Psychology materials so you can hope the pathological can change even though pathology is about no-change.
• · You call the pathological's girlfriends or exes to get them to confirm or deny he's pathological.
• · You hire a private investigator to follow the pathological, break into their phone or computer, for 'just a little more info. on why you should leave them. When faced with the results, you still don't leave.
• · You feel more compassion toward the pathological than anger for your own pain.
• · You focus on the few good times and stuff your own feelings about his deceitful behavior.
• · You encourage the pathological to carrot-dangle some future hope or potential to you so you can say "We'll try it ONE MORE time."
• · You think you are confronting the pathological because you stand up to them. You are not being victimized by them if you are voicing your thoughts.
• · You minimize the pathological's previous deceitful, manipulative, dangerous, exploitative or lethal behavior by saying "I was probably over-exaggerating it."
• · You label yourself "just as sick as them" so you might as well stay with them. No one healthy would want you.
• · You envy the pathological's lack of conscience and remorse and see it as a 'good life' feature. You wish you were like that and cared less about what happened to you. Everything seems to go their way because they lack conscience.
• · You hyper-focus on the pathological's behavior and avoid taking care of yourself. They, and your relationship with them, become the reason for your unhappiness, health, financial, other problems.
• · You study to death all the traits of every kind of disorder you think the pathological might have. You don't leave because you 'want to totally understand it before you leave' and need just a little bit more understanding or validation from others--their family, their therapist, your therapist, your friends, etc.
• · You start softening, missing the pathological, minimizing their behavior, focusing on your own loneliness, and panic about whom or what they are doing, make excuses to have contact with them. And ~ OUILA~ you're back in.

The 'emergency session' calls that everyone wants to have is AFTER they have done one of these behaviors and feel awful about their relapse. The emergency session needs to be WHILE you are having these thoughts and BEFORE you act on them. Every time you go through one of these relapse cycles:

·         It numbs you more and more to leaving. 

·         It makes it easier and easier to relapse. 

·         It's easier for the thinking to begin again in your head, totally unrecognized by you.

You damage YOURSELF each time you move in and out of the pathological love relationship.  You damage your sense of reality even further--training YOURSELF how to hypnotize your belief system with one of the thinking phrases listed above. You also teach the pathological how to lure you back to the relationship. They aren't stupid! They are master behavior analysts, and they study which manipulative tactics work on you. Stop teaching them!

There is so much that the pathological relationship has legitimately done and damaged in you. But there is so much you DO TO YOURSELF in your relapsing. Relapse prevention requires work. It doesn't just 'happen' that you declare you are 'done' and you stay gone. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to help you get out and stay out until MUCH TIME down the road; you are strong enough on your own. I said, MUCH TIME.

Day one of healing does not happen until you get out, and stay out, and have been emotionally disconnected for several months. When people say they are recovering, but drift in and out of the relationship with constant relapse contact, I don't consider them in healing.  They don't have even day-one under their belt yet. For those of you who are truly ready to start a new life, we are here to help you. We offer teleconferencing support groups. Here's one way to get the support and help you need to get out and stay out. And don't forget we offer help in almost every format imaginable: books, e-books, workbooks, hypnosis CDs, mindfulness skills training, retreats, 1:1s with Sandra, phone coaching.  With all these resources available, there just isn't a reason to stay stuck on the un-merry-go-round of a pathological relationship.

Un-wedge yourself!

Triggers and Knee Jerk Reactions During the Holidays

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

The holidays are stressful under the best of situations. Add to it a dangerous and pathological relationships and you can have a prescription for **guaranteed** unhappiness.

The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity to recontact you--of
course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas." If you haven't already,do read The Institute's materials regarding our 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact! He has a million hooks he will use to get you back in...here's one!

Christmas!

A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook. A Christmas Card is not a mass card to everyone--it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift--it's a mannipulation because being the good mannered girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone....and it all goes down hill from there.

Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Years Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents....

The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr. Opportunistic.

The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/card/call, you have just taught him where your loop hole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear " I'm Lonely! Come snuggle with me." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"

Ladies, Christmas is ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories.  Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together then" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? One night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift doesn't make a pathological man stable!

Get out of the fantasy. Christmas has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of his positive behavior and his lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit Christmas season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for
him to hook you.

If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate.

Don't react. Have a great Christmas while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.

You know one of the things we found out in our research? You ladies tested unbelieveably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about?

SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing thru your veins?

One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.

I have 'lectured' our readers about loneliness because this 4 inch stack on research sitting on my desk that you
ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce
loneliness. Plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely is not an excuse for starting something that will once again
destroy your life!"

Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!


Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

External Locus of Belief: Is it True, is it REALLY True?

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

In psychology, we refer to the belief about where control over events in our lives resides as 'internal and external locus of control'. This means we see our behaviors either generated by personal efforts or by destiny. We believe that we make things happen or we believe others do it for us whether we like it or not. 

But also related to internal and external locus of control is its effect on impulse motivation. This means that a person who has internal locus of control can self regulate their impulses and desires themselves. They find their motivation for behavior, choices, and reactions inside of themselves by themselves. (By the way, pathologicals normally have poor internal locus of control except for brief periods of time when they are conning someone. One of the true signs of pathology is poor impulse control).

Other people who have external locus of control (like the pathologicals) are not self regulated in their behavior, choices, and reactions inside of themselves. Instead, they look outside themselves for motivation and consequently since they don't regulate themselves well, outside themselves for limits on their behaviors. People with poor internal locus of control often need the external world to regulate themselves for them---unfortunately this is often the legal system, jail, or some kind of negative consequence.

But today, I am talking about internal and external locus of belief systems. Where is your belief system (especially about the pathological) located? Is it inside you or externally in others? Do you come to understand, see, and accept his pathology within yourself? Do you read materials, go to counseling and then come to believe and hold that belief in you that he is pathological, can't change, and destructive to your own future? Are you able to pull up inside of yourself the facts of his dangerous or misleading behavior in your relationship? Are you able to point to the ways in which he has been destructive to others? Are you able to latch on to his diagnosis and use it as a life raft for yourself to drift away from him?

OR, are your beliefs externally hinged? "If you say so Sandra--if you say he's pathological, then I guess he is." "If he scored high on the P-scan (developed by Dr. Robert Hare) then I suppose that is correct...."  Statements like these are related to people who have external locus of belief. They don't really believe it themselves; they are hinging their belief system to someone else's belief systems--usually mine or another expert in pathology. Somewhere along the line they haven't really 'come to believe' that the pathology is his. It's still some distant reality 'labeled' by a therapist but you don't own it inside your self. This makes accepting it, reallllyyyyyy accepting it, hard for you because you then need to be reminded every 30 seconds that he is in fact, permanently pathological. Once you are out of ear range of a therapist or some other external validating system (books, DVDs, CDs, etc.) will you still accept his pathology?

'Coming to believe' pathology is a hard thing. It's a shock to learn that someone you thought was the most wonderful person in the world is secretly very, very (did I say very?) sick.  NOT only do you have to believe that the person is very, very (did I say very?) sick, but that sickness has no cure. Not only are they sick and have no cure, but staying around them is detrimental to your own (and your children's) mental health. Not only that they are sick, have no cure, staying around them is detrimental to your own mental health but they have all the capacities of breaking both your knee caps--either financially or even physically given no conscience. This is a big wad to swallow all at once with no chaser of hope.

Most people need a time of 'coming to believe' -- it's like building faith in anything else--we study and come to believe. Pathology is the same way--you need some education, some time to digest this big wad of bad news, and some time to work a plan of 'accepting the things I cannot change.' Almost everyone who faces the fact of pathology in someone else has this same 'coming to terms' process. We expect it.

But, there is also the problem of when you don't ever come to truly accept it and then hinge your belief system about his pathology on some external person, organization, or book. The Institute can not be your belief system (He's pathological because Sandra says so). If after a few months, that belief system doesn't become internal for you (I know this to be self evident, that he is pathological and for all of these reasons....) then you're in trouble for potential relapse.

Just like in external locus of control explained above, external locus of belief stands in the same jeopardy--that someone else can't be responsible for what you do with what you know (or what you don't come to accept).  That your pathology destiny is not in The Institute's hands--it's in yours. That whether you ignore the info and go back is entirely up to you---not a support group, not a book, not a program or a retreat--just your destiny in your hands.

If your locus of belief is still external and it doesn't shift and become internal--just know this is a risk factor for you. Holding the belief system steady is the challenge of overcoming cognitive dissonance. When it doesn't get over come eventually, either you learn to do what the 12 Steppers call 'Fake It 'Til You Make It' (do it 'til you believe it) or face the rising statistics that you're likely to believe the internal chatter and make a Bee line back.

http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com