What is Justice?

by Todd Blumhorst

What is justice? When we are faced with the murder of our loved one, we are overcome with a plethora of emotions and we begin a search for justice. We as survivors spend so much time seeking that justice that our own grief is often put on a back burner to be dealt with later because the desire for justice for our loved one is stronger than our personal heartache. They were robbed of so much more than we were and our love for them drives that need for justice.

When we think of justice for the crime of murder we generally envision the defendant going to trial, being found guilty, then serving life in prison or execution. We see the evidence in the court procedures and know our loved ones life was cut entirely too short at the hands of the defendant. We want to see them go away for a very long time or be executed and then justice is served.

Is justice an eye for an eye? Is justice found in the prison sentence? Is justice found at the end of the executioner’s needle? What happens if this sequence of events doesn’t happen like that and justice is denied? Worse yet, what if the defendant is never caught or is freed on a technicality? What if they are found to be un-restorable in their mental capacity and are set free? What if a plea is offered and they see much less time than had they been convicted? How does our murdered loved one get justice?

I struggled for years over this last question. How do I get justice for my sister Veronica and her disappearance and probable murder? We have no body, no murder weapon, or no verification of death. The only thing we have is a police report where a person very close to her stated they could have very well killed her but couldn’t quite recall due to a prior brain injury that caused memory loss at times. He went on to tell the police that if he did kill her then he was much smarter than them and her body wasn’t going to be found. For over 22 years, he has been correct, thus far.

My heart breaks when I am working with a family and they do not feel the sentence or outcome was justice. I often have to remind them that we have a court of law and not a court of justice. The laws can, at times, seem unjust for the survivors of homicide because the defendants appear to have all of the rights afforded to them. It is never easy to hear that the person who killed your loved one got off light or never even face a criminal trial because the case is unresolved.

How do we give our loved on justice in these cases? I have struggled with this question for over 22 years now and I get more pieces to the puzzle as the years progress. When I was fresh with grief, anger, hatred, and rage in 1990, I saw justice as taking him out to a field and killing him in the most brutal of fashions. As the years progressed and I saw that the likelihood of the case being resolved grew ever slimmer, I continued to seek resolution. I didn’t care that the investigator on her case appeared to be sitting on her case and not working it. We often went years without even a phone call to say he was thinking of us and he still wanted to find out what happened to Veronica. We go silent, another injustice.

As the 20 year anniversary of her disappearance approached I decided to make sure her memory wasn’t forgotten. I started a Facebook page for her because I was running into people there who would always ask me about her case. Instead of repeating myself constantly, I set up a place where her family and friends could remember her. I figured maybe a handful of friends would join; we had over 100 people in the first week. Currently, there are 1200 members on her page. They remember her, discuss the incompetence of the case management by police, they speculate on who killed her. They keep her memory and case alive.

The members soon began to discuss a memorial service for Veronica since a funeral was never held for her. The groundwork was being laid for a memorial service on the 20 year anniversary. I thought about this for a long time and felt something was missing from this event. I soon came up with the concept of the Veronica Blumhorst Memorial Expo for a Safer Commmunity which was going to be a safety fair of local service agencies to expose the community with the resources that are available to them in Northern Illinois River Valley. Even if it saved one person, there was some justice and Veronica saved a life.

I got a huge sense of relief after the expo and memorial. I felt that she did indeed get a modicum of justice, the scales weren’t even but they moved in her favor some. I returned to Arizona and began to look at the next step. What do I do next to get her more justice? The months went by and fate intervened. I lost two jobs within three months and was desperately seeking a job when I got a message from Gail Leland, the founder of Homicide Survivors. She told me to go there to see if they had anything for me. I went down and was told that they could employ me for two months. I jumped at the opportunity. I feel Veronica interceded from beyond because the permanent person they had hired didn’t work out and I was soon offered a full time position. I knew this was Veornica putting me in a place to work on that justice thing again. This time it was to help others on their journey of grief and by doing that then her death was not in vain and justice is added to her side of the scales.

After a year at Homicide Survivors, I was blessed to help many families during their tragedies. I still had my own tragedy to deal with and the fact that we never found her bothered me immensely. I sought out a human cadaver search team who agreed to assist our family. I went back to Illinois in September of 2012 on another justice mission. We were possibly successful in locating the area her remains are buried but now need to wait until this spring after the thaw and weather stabilizes out more. Hopefully we will bring her home soon for a proper burial. That would be justice to me today, just having her back.

Over time my concept of justice has changed. I started out with an eye for an eye idea of justice and it has evolved to an attitude of “give me back what was mine”. We just want to have that confirmation that she is dead and this state of limbo that has haunted us for 22+ years can be lifted. I would like survivors to know that even if you don’t get justice in court, you can still get justice for your loved one. I went to the extreme and you can too if you choose. You can also do the small things that bring them justice like start a neighborhood watch, volunteer at a womens shelter, or volunteer for something your loved one was passionate about. There are many small ways you can add justice to their side of the scale. Will they balance in the end? Probably not, but you can definitely make a difference and bring some good out of all the bad.

Todd J. Blumhorst, Advocate,
Assistant Volunteer Coordinator

Homicide Survivors Inc.
32 N. Stone Ave. #1408
Tucson, Az. 85701

520.740.5729
azhomicidesurvivors.org

The Christmas Casseroles Stopped After Two Weeks

By Donna Gore

As the holiday season approaches, those of us who are the veteran survivors of crime are cognizant of the flood of emotions evoked on Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas and the New Year’s holidays… as well as anniversary dates.

Those who have recently been accosted by violent crime, for the first time experience a vacuous holiday season without their loved one.  Holidays that once held meaning, are no more.  Survivors of crime say to them, “What’s the point anymore?”  

New survivors are assaulted with holiday images at every turn.  This year in particular due to our dismal economy, I saw my first Xmas image before the Halloween candy was distributed!

Tinsel and materialism aside, as a new survivor, we don’t want to look at these images or be reminded.   We don’t want to hear “Holly, Jolly Xmas” pervading our grocery aisles.  We cannot face any of it.

At some point it hits us that we have to face the holidays.

They will come no matter what has occurred before.  What to do about that empty seat at the dinner table?  What to do about the gifts you can’t bring yourself to buy and the little rituals your beloved “always took care of.”

Our surviving relatives may be able to function, but we can’t…

Our friends try to “pick up the slack” by offering to “do anything needed.”

“Call if you need anything”.  “Just let me know how I can help” are familiar refrains and certainly well meaning. However, such offers do not help us because they don’t appreciate our state of inertia.  What we really need are concrete suggestions and offers.  Even well meaning friends frequently have no idea how to help during that acute phase.

Therefore, below I present to you a holiday list of “What to Do” from my archives compiled years ago by the Victim Assistance Douglas County Sheriff’s Department in Colorado (with my personal additions and  refinements).

I also offer a list of “Getting through the Holidays,” compliments of Survivors of Homicide, Inc. in Connecticut.  Whether you chose to use any of these suggestions or not, we will always remember our loved one in some way during the holiday season. *** To that end, it is in the establishing of new traditions, even small ones that create new meaning in out lives

HOW CAN I HELP?

1)   Your presence at any public service and a handshake or hug will provide more support than any “rehearsed remarks” that you could possibly think of.

2)   As the friend or relative, you should take the initiative to get in touch by telephone or card.  It’s never too late to express your love and concern.

3)   Don’t say, “Call and let me know how I can help” (Most never will). 

Rather, take the initiative and,

a) Cook a meal;

b) Freeze one for a future meal;

c) Babysit;

d) Do some shopping for them;

e) Help with phone calls;

f) Do some driving ( to the airport, train station etc)

4)   Let them talk… and tell their story over and over again. Listening is the most important support now.  It is in telling the story that survivors are able to begin the long healing process.  Allow them screaming room.

5)   While listening, be careful not to assume feelings, place blame or rationalize reasons for what happened.  You are not there to agree or disagree.  Listen and affirm their right to feel as they do.

6)   Avoid making comments such as:

“You’ll have other children”

“You’ll get married again”

“It was God’s will”

“Be brave”

“Don’t cry”

“Don’t talk about it”

“In time you will have closure”

7)   Accept them for who they are and who they have become.  Your loving support now will help them to accept themselves and come to some sort of peace (NOT CLOSURE) with this loss.

8)   Share some positive memories with the survivors.  Happy and warm memories help the healing process.

9)   Be persistent in your offer of help long term.  It is difficult to ask for help.  The survivor of crime will need your help more and more as the months pass, not less, which is a common mistake.  Everyone wants to bring casseroles for the first two weeks and then they often “go back to their own lives assuming that you “can now “go it alone” which is the farthest thing from truth or reality.

10) Don’t suggest sedatives.  That will only delay the healing process.  It is much better if they can make it through without medication.  However, if needed a doctor should be consulted instead of your medicine cabinet.

11) Be sure to allow the bereaved partner or parent to make the services they wish rather than questioning them on their choices or trying to “take over.”  If not, resentment and anger may occur if their decisions were not respected.  On the other hand, if they ask for specific assistance, follow-through with their requests.

12) Understand that there is no specific timetable for grief! 

Allow them all the time they need to “recover” and begin to function again.  It may take a few months to several years.  Also, keep in mind that grief will reoccur many times. (Particularly during the court/trial process with it’s many delays, postponements etc. known as “the re-victimization.”)

13) Acknowledge anniversary dates such as death dates, their birthdays or anniversaries.  Take their lead in terms of how they will be observed.  A phone call or hug acknowledging the date will offer comfort.  Never ignore

it.

14) Accept their silence if that is all they can offer.  Be patient with them.

15) Comfort the children in the family, not just the adults.  If you are unsure how to approach them or are at a loss of what to say, consult with a professional bereavement therapist or a fellow homicide survivor for advice.  Never lie to children.  However, tell them what they can comprehend and respond to their direct questions without getting too complex or abstract.

16) Avoid halting all conversations with others in their presence.  However, get a feel for what they can handle at the moment.  At times, conversations about other topics or even a funny moment can be a welcome distraction from grief.

17) Allow them to “work trough their grief.”  In other words, do not whisk away photos or clothing. Permit the bereaved to remove such items in their own time.

18) If your relative or friend is in a perpetual state of being overwhelmed and cannot process the day to day conversations, write a letter so that they may read it on their own time and appreciate your relationship at a later time.

19) Encourage postponement of major decisions until the intense grief has

subsided.  Encourage the bereaved to seek advice from clergy, attorneys, real estate personnel so that they are not taken advantage of at their most vulnerable time.

GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

You must realize that grieving persons have definite limitations.  We do not function at normal capacity.  Therefore, we must reevaluate our priorities and decide what is really meaningful for our families and us.

1)We must decide what we can handle comfortably, and let those needs be known to family and friends.

-      Whether or not to talk about our loved one openly;

-      Whether we can handle the responsibility of the family dinner. holiday parties etc., or if we wish someone else to take over some or all of these tasks;

-      Whether we will stay here for the holidays or we choose to “run away” to a totally different holiday environment this year;

2) Don’t be afraid to make changes. It really can make things less painful!

- Open presents Christmas #Eve  instead of Christmas morning;

- Have dinner at a different time;

- Attend a different church for your Christmas Eve services;

- Let the children take over decorating the tree or making cookies

3) Our greatest comfort may be in doing something for others.  You may be able to acknowledge your loss more meaningfully by:

-      Giving a gift or money donation in memory of your loved one;

-      Adopting a needy family or guest for the holidays;

-      Volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen

4)    Whether it’s greeting cards, holiday baking, putting up the tree, decorating, dinner preparations or visiting others, ask these questions before making any decisions:

-      Have I involved or considered my other family members?

-      Do I really enjoy this task or does other family prefer to do it?

-      Can I share or delegate those tasks?

-      Would this Holiday be the same without it?

5)    How many stockings should we hang? We may decide to:

-      Put them all up;

-      Hang no stockings at all;

-      Write our thoughts and feelings down about our loved one and have a special stocking with a designated reader;

-      A family burns a “special candle” on all their special days to quietly include “their presence;”

-      Chose a new tradition among family members to include the one who has passed such as ; hanging a special wreath; buying an item they collected, planting a tree

6)    Plan ahead for the shopping days with a ready made list.  When you have a good day” you will not be as exhausted or shop with a friend and shop at dinnertime when the crowds are much less.

      7)  Holiday cards- If this task is too overwhelming, some families enclose the little funeral service card into your pre-purchased greeting cards for those who may not be aware of your loss.  Ask a friend or relative to make address labels on the computer to help with this task.

Finally, the above suggestions were offered pre technology.  Therefore, someone may want to create a website or Face book page in honor of your loved one….

Respectfully Submitted

Donna R. Gore, M. A.

Homicide Survivor in Connecticut