The Mainstreaming of Chaos

By Heidi Hiatt

“Real” housewives.
Bad girls.
Monster-in-laws.
Talk shows.
Tabloid-like court shows.

These are the new soap operas, the modern purveyors of chaos in American society. We have become captivated by hateful, violent, self-indulgent women without boundaries whose every outfit is worth more than the money it would take to feed several small Indian villages for a day. Their earrings are so extravagant that they appear to be chandeliers ripped from the ceiling of a hotel ballroom, and they have more shoes than Imelda Marcos. They overdo “glamour” to the point that it inhibits their natural assets.

If they were reading this, I’m sure I’d instantly be attacked with all manner of foul language and worn-out gems like, “you don’t know me!”, “talk to the hand!”, “you can’t judge me!”, and “how dare you!” No, I don’t know them personally. But I know the juvenile behavior and dysfunction they are spreading on TV, and they should be ashamed. The men who support and encourage this moral decay should be ashamed as well.

Yes, unlike some critics, I have watched a lot of these shows to figure out what the appeal is. I can see how they become addictive, and how some people feel more secure and normal, as one friend put it, after viewing their debauchery. Unfortunately part of these shows’ appeal (and profit) comes from the cycle of violence they engage in.

As in an abusive relationship, there’s a period in which tension builds between the characters, there’s an explosion of violence, and then a honeymoon period in which the characters make up and bond… until tempers flare again. The best thing that could happen to most of the women on these shows is to stay away from each other. Yet they seem addicted to the drama or hooked on the public attention they get for acting like volatile, backstabbing banshees.

The lifestyles of the women on these shows are portrayed as glamorous and exciting. The age-old lie that money can buy you happiness or class is plastered over every episode. Glamorous and exciting is not what I see though. I see pain. I see emptiness. I see wounded little girls who are still struggling through the effects of their parents’ dysfunction and in some cases, their own domestic violence.

It’s terrible that they have to drink so much to cope and brim with hate and anger to the point that they think it’s okay to attack each other physically and emotionally. Instead of stopping the cycle of violence they may have experienced themselves, they are ensuring its survival through normalizing it and showing the world that it is a way of life. They are letting this demon pillage the lives of their own families and encouraging it to thrive in the families of their viewers.

Whether they are survivors of violence or not, this is wrong. Ever since Jerry Springer came out twenty years ago, shows like these have taught young people that it’s normal to sleep with several different partners at once, have an entitlement mentality, not know who your baby’s father is, and expect your woman to come back to you after you’ve beat her up. Yes, these things would happen if there were no TV. But I would argue that their frequency has increased since the armpits of the airwaves like MTV started marketing them as the “real” world.

People, especially younger ones, tend to emulate what they are regularly exposed to. On that note, I began to wonder what possible appeal Jersey Shorecould have to teens and 20-somethings. So I finally forced myself to watch part of an episode. Basically, a bunch of cosmetically-enhanced attention seekers are thrown together in a house to see who will have sex and who will fight. One word says it all: vapid.

Just minutes into my experiment, amidst an alcohol-fueled club scene, one of the male cast members started screaming at one of the females because she wouldn’t do his bidding. He showered her with a string of epithets that were classic domestic violence offender lingo. Not long after, two other characters got into bed together while the others sat in the living room and discussed the seemingly random hookup.

If you asked these characters (or TV execs) what they think their effect on society is, they’d probably point out all the work they do for charity or how viewers want this. They might think of themselves as fashion icons, role models, or the men and women everyone else wants to be. They probably don’t consider or don’t care that their party-all-the-time lifestyles promote domestic abuse, sexual assault, and unwanted children.

Speaking of children, it seems that a lot of the people on these shows have children. I feel so bad for these kids because their parents’ lifestyles revolve around themselves. In many cases the kids seem like little trinkets, fashion accessories that are displayed at strategic times so others will see what “great parents” they are. I wonder how much of a priority these kids are given their parents’ hard-driving, endless adult social schedule.

Even more alarming is the dysfunction and violence these children are exposed to. In these shows dad takes a swing at the uncle, the uncle and his entourage verbally lambast dad with their limited vocabulary of mostly four-letter words, dad stalks the uncle by text, and on it goes. The mothers scream and claw at each other over Christmas presents and allegations of cheating and fraud abound. These poor kids are lacking consistent positive role models who can demonstrate mature behavior without resorting to violence.

There may also be psychological problems at play in some of these programs and there is definitely substance abuse. Some characters on these shows act like poster children for borderline personality disorder and narcissism. These are real disorders that need treatment and are not a joke. They are treated like a joke by these shows. Instead of the people exhibiting such symptoms seeking assessment and treatment, their aggressive behaviors are encouraged and then immortalized in “reunion” episodes.

There are a few women on these shows who seem sincere and genuinely concerned about others. The others seem to be the mean girls from high school, who think they are “all that” and make sure that everyone is mesmerized by their charitable efforts to reach “lesser” folk. That really encapsulates shows likeReal Housewives for me– women who never matured beyond high school. They have a herd mentality and whatever good they do is to promote themselves. They have a deluded view of their own beauty, not realizing how intensely ugly their backstabbing, loose ways make them.

While thinking about this whole “housewives” phenomenon, a verse from the Manufacturer’s Handbook entered my mind that makes the above point better than I can. Proverbs 11:22 says, “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.” D’oh! Any questions?

Now I like pigs, but they do tend to get dirty and eat gross things. The author knew exactly what he was saying in this Proverb though and his thought is valid and timeless. These “real” women have a glaring lack of boundaries and continually return to volatile situations they should just stay away from. Some of the fellow cast members they call “friends” are more like two-faced enemies and whatever truces they call don’t last.

Friends are going to have problems from time to time; we’re human. Personally I wouldn’t keep going back to “friends” who are always trying to find fault and tear me down. Friends are there to accept you as you are and build you up. They’re your support network, your shoulder to lean on, your confidantes. They’re good for you.

If your “friends” continually violate your boundaries and/or don’t like you unless you act like them, let them go. That’s not a friend. That’s not respectful. They’re not interested in your success. You’re their entertainment, their punching bag, and their blood supply. They are vampires with empty tanks who try to quench their inner emptiness and feel better about themselves by sucking the life out of you.

There are other Proverbs that describe the self-absorbed, emotionally unbalanced dynamic that makes these shows so popular:

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. (Proverbs 27:15 & 16)

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)

Those who trust in their riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like a green leaf. (Proverbs 11:28)

For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. (Proverbs 5:3 & 4)

There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. (Proverbs 6:16-19)

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife. (Proverbs 17:1)

Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house— too much of you, and they will hate you. (Proverbs 25:17)


I have a concept for a new TV show using the same cast members, and I might watch it. I’d like to see these people learn proper boundaries and respect. They should also be educated about domestic violence so those who need to can get out of their situations they’re in and stop portraying violent behavior as normal or as something “sophisticated” people do.

Many should learn to prioritize their lives and to be better examples for their children. They should learn to fight back against the dysfunction and denial that engulf them. Some should receive treatment for alcoholism and drug abuse. They need to learn that they don’t need alcohol to have fun or survive a social gathering. They need conflict management skills.

Ultimately, I feel bad for these people. All their showy wealth and social gatherings can’t give them what they really need. They can’t expect other people, or material things, to fill a God-shaped hole in their heart. The acceptance and love they so desperately need isn’t going to come from one more boyfriend, or one more round of holding a drink above their head and shaking their hind end while saying “whoo!” Only their Heavenly Father can do that for them.

I appreciate the material gifts God provides as well as fashion. I’m not a Puritan who dresses in sackcloth and believes deep spirituality only comes from deprivation. I’m not criticizing those who watch these shows but the people on them. I just don’t like how the housewives, monster-in-laws, Kims, Parises, and other attention seekers whose need for fame has kicked into overdrive as they compete for magazine covers and screen time have become “worthy” of imitating.

What these people are doing is teaching a generation of young men and women that violence, abuse, and self-destructive behavior is normal. Their public personas are mainstreaming chaos, and not only is it harming relationships, families, and the self-image of other Americans, it makes our enemies hate us even more.

Normalizing domestic violence, substance abuse, a lack of boundaries, aggressive behavior, mental problems, and standing idly by while others are being abused is fueling an increase in narcissism. It is a rot in the fibers of our society. This “me me me me me me me” crap may be an exciting roller coaster ride of drama, but it’s a setback for women and for civilization. I challenge these reality stars to get public control of their demons and to start reaching out to the lives such chaos destroys.


We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship. -C.S. Lewis

Heidi Hiatt, MA recently graduated as a Forensic Psychologist.  You can read more of her posts at her personal blog, Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie Straight Talk in a Crooked World

Mogul Mothers, Suppressed Sons

By Heidi Hiatt

In J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy there is a character called Grima Wormtongue. Wormtongue is an advisor to the king of Rohan who is constantly pumping the king full of verbal toxins, keeping the king weak and looking aged beyond his years. When Wormtongue is finally exposed for the controlling, venomous leach he is, the king is released from a state of zombie-like submission. He is restored to his natural state and stands boldly as the fearless warrior he truly is.

While pondering the causes of relationship dysfunction recently, I was struck by the disturbing realization that many men who treat their partners poorly have inappropriate relationships with their mothers. Furthermore, it occurred to me that, in a majority of examples I could think of, these men had mothers who spoiled them and took every opportunity to be involved in their lives. Because they have never known anything else, these men regard their mothers’ behavior as normal.

In a country where fathers are largely absent due to passivity, personal choice, or work commitments, mothers are often the primary influences in their sons’ lives. While some mothers lovingly raise their sons and set them free into the world as functional adults, others become permanently entrenched in their sons’ lives, refusing to let go of them when they reach adulthood.

Instead of becoming full-fledged men who are prepared to attract and maintain healthy, committed relationships, men whose mothers never cut the apron strings may exist as perpetual adolescents. They may never fully develop the emotional skills necessary to have productive, adult partnerships. Their mothers’ Grima Wormtongue-like control, however well-intentioned, may have set them up for a lifetime of hell and heartache.

In Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan’s book When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, the authors point out that, “There is a universe of difference between a mother who loves her son dearly and a mother who makes her son the primary focus of her passion and preoccupation in an attempt to compensate for her own emptiness.”

Adams and Morgan note that such “mother-enmeshed men” frequently become involved in sex and/or relationships quickly, have trouble being faithful in relationships, or stay in a relationship for awhile without following through on an expressed commitment. These men often experience sexual dysfunction, direct their anger and dissatisfaction with life at their partner, have a long history of being people pleasers, and have difficulty standing up for themselves.

The problems caused by overly involved mothers can manifest in a variety of ways, but at the root of these problems is a concept Adams and Morgan call The Disloyalty Bind. They say that men who are too close to their mothers unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, make their mother’s interests first and foremost in their lives.

These men are always concerned with pleasing their mothers whether they realize it or not, and so when they have trouble committing or have relationship problems, they push away their partner instead of their mother. Adams and Morgan assert that a man distancing himself from his mother causes him too much anxiety and guilt. Some men would rather destroy a relationship that is good for them than stand up to the omnipresent female power that gave birth to them.

An overly involved and controlling mother will not put up with being backed off or having boundaries put in place, so some men do the right thing to the wrong woman. They project their mommy issues onto their wife or girlfriend, forcing them to distance themselves or even to leave. Wives and girlfriends become surrogate mothers in that they get blamed for all manner of evils, from being control freaks to not wanting what’s best for their man, when they’re not the actual guilty parties at all.

When a mother makes her son a stand-in for his father (which frequently happens to eldest sons), lavishes attention and privileges on her son to keep his favor, or maintains a constant presence in his life without respect for his autonomy, she has, in a way, castrated her son. She has not taught him to have proper boundaries with other people and he may have grown up to find himself attracted to other controlling women. He may have difficulty saying no to sex or no to relationships that are bad for him.

Having a mother so tightly woven into the fabric of his life may well have kept him from maturing emotionally, especially if a mother always strokes her son’s ego and tells him he’s never wrong. As a result, he may not be able to function in a partnership or solve problems as a team, because doing so requires objective listening and conflict management skills. Such a man may not be willing to admit that he is wrong, because he can always count on mom to tell him that he’s just fine.

Unfortunately this may not just predispose men to bad choices and relationship problems, but also their children after them. A man who is concerned with his mother’s approval and whose lifestyle is a result of that will likely raise children who don’t know how to maintain boundaries themselves. Children are little sponges who learn from their parents’ behavior, and parents who live to please others will probably raise children who do the same. These behaviors can persist for generations.

Unless a mother-enmeshed man seeks help and learns how to have proper boundaries with his mother, he is unlikely to ever have a successful, lasting relationship. The only way that could happen is if he finds a doormat that is willing to go along with what his mother wants. Sadly, I know of situations in which wives placate their domineering mother-in-laws to preserve their relationships with their spouses. But that is a miserable way to live, and it completely denies wives the autonomy and intimacy that they are supposed to have with their husbands.

Mother-enmeshed men who are supposedly in committed relationships may seek out soothing, mother-like voices that stroke their egos to supplement what their mothers do. If they don’t feel like they’re getting validation from their partners, they may be quick to turn to female friends or lovers who give them the same assurances that they’re doing nothing wrong. Real relationships are going to have challenges and issues to work through, but mother-enmeshed men may run to those reassuring voices instead of engaging in mutual problem-solving with their partners. They flee from reality.

Some overly involved, controlling mothers disguise their intrusions by being generous, helpful, or sacrificial to excess. Not all such mothers exhibit obvious mafia don-like behavior or bark orders. Their need to fill their own emptiness or feel important by maintaining a strong presence can be masked by an exuberant “benevolence.” Look deeper, though, and you may find that these same women expect a significant degree of loyalty and amount of attention in return.

These mothers will make it clear that they come before their sons’ wives or girlfriends. Breaks, holidays, and vacations should be spent with them even if that means their sons’ spouses get left behind. They call frequently or expect calls at set times, and they remind their sons’ spouses that their families already have set ways of doing things. They don’t hesitate to trivialize or look down upon their daughter-in-law’s family and their commitments. Such mothers will seize upon problems in their sons’ relationships and use those issues to drive their sons’ partners away to maintain their control. They will ridicule the sons’ means of getting help for himself or his relationship, such as counseling or support groups, instead reinforcing the belief that he’s doing nothing wrong.

Some of these women are so desperate to keep their position in their sons’ lives when he forges a commitment with a woman that they will lie, cheat, and steal to preserve their “throne.” Whether they realize it or not, their actions show that in their world, life is all about them. They do not back off and let other women take their rightful place.

This is not love, this is slavery. Women who should be finding their worth, companionship, and self-esteem elsewhere latch onto their sons like vampires, draining their very life from them. They keep their sons from being whole people and living the life that God intends them to have. God has been very specific about what happens to a man when he grows up—“a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). But some mothers never cut the apron strings, and have conditioned their sons to cling to them instead.

Many men realize that they live with a horrifying degree of guilt and anxiety, but don’t know why. They may feel that they’re always going to fail, or they may feel that women are always out to control them. They may embark on a near-perfect relationship and then hack that relationship off like a diseased limb later when the mysterious guilt and anxiety overtakes them. They may hate their wife or girlfriend for things she hasn’t even done, and accuse her of the very things that their mother is actually doing, without realizing that their mother is the root cause.

Some mother-enmeshed men function under an illusion of self-sacrifice. Adams and Morgan have noticed that many mother-enmeshed men work in caretaking or heroic professions in which they are people rescuers or people pleasers. These characteristics may stem from their having to continually rescue or please their mothers. The self-sacrifice they display in their work is reflective of what they have always done for their mother’s sake, forfeit part of themselves to gain the admiration or approval of others.

This self-sacrifice can occur when mother-enmeshed men break off relationships. They may forego having a serious relationship for a number of reasons, including “for their kids’ sake”. They may engage in casual relationships that no one else has to know about. By doing so, they keep their relationships off of their mother or other controlling women’s radar screens, placating them and “keeping the peace” by sacrificing their own desires. While that may appear noble on the surface, no man should live in bondage to his mother or anyone else. If a man has to water down or hide his desire for companionship to avoid the wrath of other women in his life, there is something terribly wrong with that.

Men, if anything I’ve said bothers you or touches a nerve, please see a therapist or talk to a minister before you tell me that I’m wrong. I am extremely concerned about the number of men who put themselves, their mothers, or other women besides their partners above their partners. No other woman should come before her. She should be number one in your life, and never blamed for the wrongs inflicted on you by other women.

If men won’t cut loose from the chains their mothers bind them with for their partner’s sake, then they should do it for their own sake or for their children’s sake. Having an overly involved mother is keeping all of you from becoming the people you were born to be. It prevents you from becoming autonomous adults with the ability to form healthy, joy-filled relationships.

You should be living in freedom, constantly learning and growing. Maintaining inappropriate attachments to your mother will keep you depressed, angry, submissive, anxious, guilt-ridden, and possibly even impotent. You were created for so much more than that.

I find it very distressing to think that millions of men may spend their entire 85-plus years living milquetoast, mediocre lives caused by their hurting or narcissistic mothers’ ideals. Thankfully millions of women have raised emotionally healthy men with a strong sense of individuality, and have remained a powerful source of love and support for those men their whole lives. But how many more have dominated their son’s existence and kept him unnaturally focused on them?

Moms, love your sons, be close to your sons, and be there for your sons, but do not impede their God-given mission to live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before them or after them can. When they grow up and you refuse to let go, you are stifling their masculinity, their maturity, and their marriages. Please love them enough to let them be who God wants them to be, not who you want them to be. They—and their women and children– deserve no less.

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