The Need To Change Our Approach

By Lyn Twyman

 

When those who have committed to serve and to protect abuse their power, it leaves many of us angered and disillusioned.  Last week, Officer Manuel Ramos of the Fullerton Police Department was charged with murdering 37-year-old Kelly Thomas in early July, a schizophrenic homeless man.  Thomas Watkins of the Associated Press wrote, "Prosecutors say Ramos started the beating then five other officers who had not seen the start of the confrontation joined in. In the 10-minute incident, Thomas was shocked four times with a Taser, kneed in the head, punched in the ribs and bashed eight times around the face with the butt of a stun gun as he cried out for his father and begged for help as Ramos laid on top of him….”. 

 

As someone who was mentally impaired, Thomas wasn't your typical criminal.  And prosecutors say Ramos already knew Thomas from routine stop-and-searches in times past, so dealing with Thomas should have been far from a surprise for Ramos, certainly not ending in a savage, deadly beating.

 

In the same state of California as the Fullerton incident, the Kern County Sheriff’s Department recently deployed a 40-hour Crisis Intervention Team Training.  It is “five times the mental health education officers receive in the academy” and “ is giving local law enforcement more understanding of the mentally ill, ” Kellie Schmitt writes in her article Officers’ Mental Health Training Saving Lives, Costs.  Schmitt’s work further reads, “The effort is especially relevant as departments throughout California grapple with officer shootings involving the mentally ill. Up to 10 percent of the Kern County Sheriff's Department's calls involve someone who is mentally ill…”.

 

Schmitt goes on to interview Sheriff's Deputy Marcus Moncur,

 

In basic academy, we're taught that people with mental illness are just as dangerous as a gangster carrying a gun," Moncur said. "Taking the class put it in perspective for me that people who suffer from mental illness are just like you and me.

 

The Kern County Sheriff's Department saw a pressing need to better serve the mentally ill citizens of their community so they employed this life saving training. This in turn has helped officers like Moncur to become more equipped and to put their jobs in even better perspective, eventually reducing the amount of mentally ill casualties.

 

We can learn what to do from Kern County when it comes to serving victims of domestic violence.  We can learn what not to do from the Fullerton PD.  The Kern County Sheriff's Department employed a better method, something that had never been done before in their department in order to help some of the most vulnerable in their community.  The Sheriff's Department changed their approach and came up with a newer solution for dealing with the mentally ill.  Fullerton on the other hand clearly lacked a program and had some bad, brutish officers with serious issues roaming the streets alongside our children.  Perhaps these officers got burned out or maybe they just didn’t care while possessing all the power to save or in this case take a life and essentially murder Kelly Thomas.

 

Thus, the domestic violence community has to employ better methods as well just like Kern County, not just for police officers but also for service providers that place themselves as the go-to’s for victims.  The lack of proper responsiveness has beaten down and killed thousands of victims in an effort to maintain status quo, instead of invoking a true revolutionary domestic violence movement.

 

There are only a handful of organizations in this country and a multitude of activists that realize the pressing need to employ better programs and services.  With thousands of victims being turned away by organizations, and with broken judicial systems across the country, the time is long overdue to embrace methods that empower victims and their families.  The police cannot provide victims with personal security, the judges cannot be educated quick enough, and the service providers cannot meet the ever-growing demand of victims who courageously decide to leave and become self-sufficient.

 

The days of running to shelters is not the practical answer anymore as reports from across our country have made it clear that domestic violence programs just cannot keep up with the amount of victims, let alone return phone calls or emails. The public needs the safety tools placed right in their hands so they can fight back effectively, true resources designed to inform, guide, and direct victims personally and legally. 

 

We are all aware that domestic violence goes on but the looming question has been for quite sometime now ‘What do we do it?’.  Even people far removed from this issue ask this question, but we don’t say the same thing about breast cancer or better yet animal abuse.  Furthermore, the U.N. has called the U.S.’s actions on domestic violence into question.  I believe this is happening because we still have a good ways to go to serve victims.  No, we have not arrived.

 

No hot line nor coalition can do what the victim can do for herself or himself and that's why we must change our approach to domestic violence in this country. The victims need more comprehensive knowledge and better tools.  Law enforcement and judges need more training than ever before as we transition into a less misogynistic society although both fields still remain male dominated.  In particular, men in these positions have to be better educated about a problem that is considered a woman’s issue.  And clearly it’s not as more male victims come forward seeking help and justice as victims.

 

There are some of us that choose to do something about the ever-growing need to really empower this country against domestic violence.  Now it's the turn of every organization across the country to do the same by coming together and end the territorial debate and fear over funding and power struggles; it’s time to end the politics. Just like in law enforcement, change has to come from the ones that say they are here to protect and serve domestic violence victims, unless we find our selves neglecting and assaulting because of our callousness the very ones we say we’re here to help.

Lyn Twyman is the Founder of Courage Network and the Deputy Director of the National Domestic Violence Registry.

Take Heed In New Relationships

                                              

By Lyn Twyman

It's relatively easy to make friends or develop a relationship with someone, to be charmed, to be wooed, especially in this era of online social networking.  During that "honey moon" stage, everyone is nice and friendly, seemingly putting their best foot forward into the relationship.  It's only over time that the true nature of a person is revealed, as their character is tested by decision making or by adversity.  That’s why the best advice anyone can receive who is still in the dating game is to "take their time" and find out as much as they can about the character of that individual they’re dealing with. 

Sometimes it can be difficult to know if you are friends with or dating someone who is an abuser.  Abusers look for that weakest link in the life of their victims.  The victim could lack self esteem, financial security, or a support system.  Abusers will focus on that one area or several and use it to their advantage.  For example, if the victim lacks self esteem, the abuser may work hard in the beginning to build their victim up with compliments but work to tear them down over time, or even tear them down drastically with an outburst of hateful words after the victim does something the abuser does not like.  If the victim lacks financial security or even has financial security, the abuser will  work to make the victim become more dependent upon them by showering them with money, or convincing them to give up a job or give up their ambition.  If the victim lacks a support system, the abuser will move in to further isolate the victim from the little family and friends they do have, in an attempt to draw them closer to themselves.  Abusers cunningly move into a person's life to conquer and to destroy for their own personal gain or profit.  Their addiction to the power and control is an unquenchable force that will not die.

So here are some tips that I have learned over the years that can be helpful when forming a new relationship.

1.      Don't be quick to hand over the keys - Keys to your car, keys to your home, keys to your office, keys to your post office box.  Keys are a symbol of trust giving people the ability to unlock areas of your life, literally.  Guard your keys well.

2.      Don't share financial information - It's not necessary to talk about where you bank or your investment portfolio.  Money is an area that abusers like to control early on if given the opportunity, even going as far as to tell you how you should spend your own money.

3.      Password protect your cell phone - In this technology age, abusers like to control their victims by looking at their call history, contacts list and text messages.  Don't give anyone the opportunity to access this information.

4.      Protect the account information and passwords of all of your accounts - From email, to bank account, to your wireless service and cable, even electric, do not share your account, password nor password hints.

5.      Tell a friend or family member about your new acquaintance, someone the acquaintance will know nothing about - In case the person ends up becoming a stalker, you should always have someone that you can go to about people you meet who can be a part of your safety plan that no one will know about.

6.      Conduct your own back ground check - Utilize online keyword searches and resources such as public records searches, department of corrections websites both state and federal, and the National Domestic Violence Registry.  Sometimes critical information about a person's past that can help you make an informed decision about the relationship is literally just one click away.

The thrill of a new relationship is just that, a thrill, and it won't last forever; it's a rush, a high triggered by chemicals in the brain called endorphins designed to make you feel good.  Utilize extra caution when forming new relationships of any kind.  New friendly and romantic relationships can be rewarding but with abuse and violence being a traumatizing, financially devastating and even deadly fate to many in society, it's worth it to take extra heed and caution to protect yourself from an abuser.

Lyn Twyman is the Deputy Director of the National Domestic Violence Registry and founder of Courage Network and Courage Empowerment Forum on Radio Party 934.com .

The Call for More Men

by Lyn Twyman 

Recently I had the opportunity to co-present a workshop at the National Organization for Women's (NOW) annual conference in Tampa, FL. The workshop was about how survivors of domestic violence could be resilient after experiencing abuse. I shared my own personal story of resiliency, what that means for me as a survivor of child abuse and intimate partner violence, and coping techniques. After my presentation, participants in the workshop shared their experiences and their own heartfelt stories of triumph over abuse.

During the entire NOW conference, hundreds of feminist women, and men, gathered during that weekend to discuss issues affecting women and families in this country and around the world. Men like Barry Goldstein, activist and battered mothers advocate, and Ben Atherton-Zeman, spokesperson of the National Organization for Men Against Sexism, only to name a few, represented that segment of male society who fight for the equality of women, protection of children, and the declination of the age old, destructive misogynist ways of thinking. They were welcomed speakers among a sea of activist women.

Whether you agree with all that NOW as an organization represents, one thing I saw was their ability to engage men in the conversation of solutions to ensure a progressive future for both women. All movements start from one point but in order to be sustainable, they must be willing to adapt and grow into a progressive effort that meets the needs of society in modern times. Among many great initiatives, that is one initiative NOW is managing to do.

Often when we talk about social ills like domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse, we speak in terms of how they affect women. And women are often the ones to carry the torch to create support and resources for survivors. There are more women representing these issues too like there are women flooding church pews. There is an overwhelming unleveled scale of women compared to men on these serious issues that require the participation of men, the imperative engagement of men both young and old.

If we want to see a drastic shift take place in the way society views domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse, men can no longer be side line participants in the conversations and there must be an active recruitment to engage well intentioned men to ally alongside women who have taken these issues by the bridle to see effectual change take place.

We also need to pay closer attention to how misogyny has damaged men and has failed male victims. The misperception that as a man you should tough it up if you are assaulted, or that you can just take it and move on has drove countless men to live lives that are less than fulfilling, lives filled with denial, depression, addiction, abuse and yes, like many women re-victimization. We also do ourselves a disservice when we alienate men from our lives, when we fail to acknowledge their role in helping to create solutions. We also poison our posterity when we allow rhetoric and misogynist imagery to permeate our mainstream society, from both men and women, and do nothing about. I am talking about the men and women who portray both sexes like nothing more than sexual objects.

There are many men that want to get involved and fight alongside women to help bring change, despite what negative they have been taught by their fathers or society. Unfortunately some of them have been turned away by women who failed to recognize the need for change and allow men to take part in the solution with programs and services.

So take the time to look at your work and find ways to increase the engagement and participation of men. Men are a vital part of the equation to solving women’s issues and issues that are perceived to be just women’s issues. There are countless positive, inspiring, spirit filled men out there that are crusaders for protection and seekers of justice. The issues that often begin with female victims affect all of us. So be a part of that progressive change and embrace the men who raise their hands and ask, ‘How can I as a man help?’

Lyn Twyman is Founder of Courage Network and the host of the weekly radio show Courage Empowerment Forum. Lyn is also the Deputy Director of the National Domestic Violence Registry.