“Still Breathing”

by Lavinia Masters

Amazing how those things that you use to bring you shame and great fear now is seen as a badge of honor and courage and your life’s purpose. Imagine living in darkness and silence for so long that you actually believe that you can’t physically see or speak. I never knew that darkness and silence could be so loud that your vision of life would be obscured and your very voice muted.

Being alone in darkness and not being able to scream is no fun for anyone especially a child. A place where your imagination run wild as you know that there are monsters lurking over your very head and if you dared turned the lights on to expose them that the fear of their snarling faces is greater than that fear of the unknown. Now you remain silent because you fear that if you speak or scream about those things that lurk in the dark that they will hear you and cause you great harm maybe even death.

How foolish it was to remain silent for so long but the fear that if you speak on these things in your darkness that the world would then judge, blame and ridicule you for trying to bring such things as sexual abuse/assault to the light. Here is where your screams go unheard, your tears unseen and your fears remain unknown…in darkness and in silence.

When in darkness you make many mistakes. You will find yourself bumping into and offending those that are just there to try and help you onto your road of recovery yet you knock them out of the way because you can’t see the obvious. Falling into ditches becomes common for you but could have been avoided as you could not see the many hands and signs that was there to warn or guide you along your way. Finally falling down and failing to get back up has become your greatest defeat because you fail to see that there is still good in others and many was sent by God to help you get back up again.

No one can listen to what they cannot hear. If you don’t scream how can anyone know that you are afraid. If no one can hear your cries how can you expect for someone to come to your rescue. If you don’t speak how are others to know that you exist and that you have been hurt and care about what you have to say. I’ve learned and have shared on numerous occasions that silence can be your demise as you continue to hold all the negativity of sexual trauma within it can be the same as inhaling and holding poisonous gases in your body.

As you remain silent the poison not only destroys you internally but it begins to leak on the outside and destroys you externally. Now you have a form of cancer destroying your inner being and a form of leprosy disfiguring your outer appearance and alienating you from the world. Your attitude changes, your mood swings back and forth from negative to unenthusiastic. Depression creeps in more that you care to admit then finally it finds a permanent place of residence within your mental state. Medically you could be diagnosed bi-polar or manic depression but spiritually I believe that your diagnosis is that you are in need of a healing.

Sometimes coming out of the darkness and breaking the silence is a matter of opening your mouth and stepping out on faith to share your testimony with others. Telling the world that fear has no more dominion over you and the sexual trauma that occurred in your life will no longer keep you in bondage. You must have a desire to be courageous…you must have a desire to be free but most importantly must have a desire to be healed.

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E Ministry, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, a speaker for RAINN, and a faithful advocate. She has appeared on all major news network shows, has been instrumental in passing legislation in Texas, and is the author of "Breathe Again." SaveMinistry.Org