By Sandra L. Brown
Over and over again women say "You are describing my relationship EXACTLY"
or "He has said those exact words to me!" Or "how do you know what my relationship
is like--how can you know this?" Contrary to some beliefs, I'm NOT psychic!
I accurately describe people's relationships because to a certain extent, parts of
pathology and their behavior is predictable. In the last blog, I listed a check list of their
frequent behaviors. Pathology is related to certain personality disorders and each one of these personality disorders has it's own set of behaviors and dysfunctions. To know the personality disorder is to know the behavior--either now or in the future. This is why Public Psychopathy Education is information for everyone because anyone can learn to predict, to a certain extent, the kinds of behaviors that are likely from the pathological in their life.
Each personality disorder has it's own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology
is related to:
a. The inability to sustain postive change
b. The inability to grow to any authentic emotional or spiritual depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their negative behavior and how it affects others
So once you understand the behaviors related to the personality disorder then you
apply the 'Absolutes of Pathology' -- the inability to change, grow, or develop insight
and you can pretty much take his behavior now and apply it to the future in ANY
relationship. His behaviors related to his specific personality disorder are permanent.
If someone can not grow or change then his behaviors aren't going to change. If his
behaviors aren't going to change he will be the same today as he was 10 years ago in
a relationship and will be the same 20 years from now. If he doesn't have the ability
to develop insight about his behavior then I can pretty much tell you what it's like
to communicate with someone who can't 'see' his own faults.
Our goal in Public Psychopathy Education is for others to understand that you TOO
can learn to loosely predict pathological behavior based on past or current behavior. Once
you understand the symptoms of the personality disorder you can expect these behaviors
to continue. The more you understand the Absolutes of Pathology the more clearly you
can understand what his future is likely to hold for himself and others in his life. It isn't
hard to predict something that doesn't change!
The exception to that rule is when violence is or has been involved. Pathologicals
with violence issues can be erratic and unstable. Predicting their ability to be currently
'non-violent based' on past non-violent episodes is too risky and he may not follow the
patterns he normally follows. For people with impulse control problems that are linked
to pathology/personality disorders then you have to assume there is always the risk of
violence.
Additionally, pathologicals who are addicts are hard to predict because of the instability of the person in an addiction. Addictions are realted to higher levels of violence. With violence, sexual offenses or addiction the rule of thumb is that the predicitbility factor is likely to be too risky to judge. When in doubt--doubt his predictability in violence, addiction or sexual offenses.
Otherwise, pathology is fairly easy to call. When someone doesn't change, the best
predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you're wondering what your pathological
was like in the relationship before you or will be like in the one after you, just gauge
everything from where he is today. It's that simple and that sad.
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
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It took me sooooo long to get this. I tried every which way that I could to make him understand, and see what he was doing. It baffled me that we could have conversations after a bad event, he seemed to totally understand, and then a few days later he would always twist it around, and have me believing it that it was truly my fault instead. It was mind boggling, and I began to despise myself more and more, and truly felt that I was losing my mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandra for all that you to to educate people. It is so hard to explain to someone what you've been through!
How about her her her?
ReplyDeleteThank Sandra so much for the all the hard work you put into helping us women who get involved in these types of relationships. You are such a God-send and I truly appreciate the head-on truth even though it may hurt us approach you take in your books and writings. I've been in a pathological relationship for 2 years. It took me listening to a friend suggest my guy had these characteristics for me to really start digging and finding your safe-relationships website. Since then I've purchased every book I can and put my heart into ending this horrible relationship and learning as much about not only HIS pathology, but WHY I got involved to begin with so I can hopefully one day meet a REAL love of my life! thanks again!
ReplyDeleteVery true - I can see that he will never ever change. He didn't change in the ten yrs I was with him despite his promises that he would and he will not change with the new victim. Poor her - she has no idea what is ahead for her - I can only hope he tires of her and drops her, but I doubt it - she is already hooked. I LOVED your book by the way - bought the ebook version a while ago and read every page multiple times. I hope you will look into voice recognition software and keep writing and publishing. It would be a great loss to the world if you don't - you have such extensive knowledge on these people and their victims as well as the aftermath of these relationships.
ReplyDeleteLISTEN--they love to give themselves away if they are the quasi-intellectuals. Somehow, they were raised with a false sense of entitlement. They don't feel they have to earn trust and will turn it around and give you these "logical" arguments (which are all BS--if you read carefully):
ReplyDelete1) Do you always assume incorrectly about everyone? [a person?]
2) Don't you give the benefit of the doubt to people--that's paranoid!
3) I give a damn about you--[care about what's best for you] (if said after they
ve only known you a short time--weeks...)
4) They don't OWN anything except for an OLD vehicle and they are middle-aged and YOU own way more, i.e. house, etc.
And they are constantly talking about their potential to build wealth.
5) If they ever say "I approve" of what you said, wrote, etc. They researched and found that victims "seek approval"--so they figure you are stupid enough to let that comment go unnoticed or unbattled. Call them on it.
6) Every past girlfriend or spouse was "crazy'--nothing ever good is said about them. They were 'disposable.'
7) They may bait you with cheap gifts or promises but never DO anything for you. Actions speak louder. If they DO something for you, you can bet you own more assets and they're going to wait and possess them (especially if they're in mid-life).
8) Catch them in a lie, wait for the 2nd and then RUN. Like their age--oh, they fell asleep and didn't call you back, etc.
9) They sometimes get confident and tip their cards--"oh, you're a sucker for saccharine" said my ugly pathological before I ran.
10) If you feel hesitation to introduce him to your closest friends,ask yourself WHY? Mine had NO friends (that I knew of) and his sense of humor was weird. And he had a "fake" annoying laugh.
11) THINK ABOUT HIS NEXT VICTIM/WOMAN. HE IS USING HER!! Mine used his ex-wife until she died and then stole the Social Security money meant for their adopted daughter's college education! He even stole the funeral gifts ($$) to go for the daughter's college. They rationalize and say it goes to food, etc. This daughter lived in squalor and walked to the busstop in the snow in a sweatshirt until I showed up and bought her a jacket!!
IF YOU FEEL RAGE, RESENTMENT, CUT LOOSE AND FIND SOMEONE TO WRITE ONLINE THAT SHARES YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. GO TO THE GYM EVERY SINGLE DAY. AND CUT CONTACT WITH THE CREEP WHO'S JUST USING YOU--IF HE HAS ENOUGH TO EAT, NOT EVICTED YET, ENOUGH CIGARETTES (THEY ARE USUALLY ADDICTS)--THEY ARE SATISFIED. THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO BE TEENAGERS FOREVER.
A good, nice, kind BORING man is the type to fall for. FIND one who has a secure profession and don't let go!
-Epiphannie
Some of them are very succesful and they use their money as a tool to destroy their victm.
ReplyDeleteMine use his money to destroy my emotions and confused me to the point that I didnt what was coming or going.
Wow is all I can say. He used his career in the Army to be "overseas: a lot. May have other identities, lots of loose ends, and also has numerouos cell phones (only one that he admits to owning.) If I had the money, I would have a private investigator dig deep. Is supposed "out of the country" at the moment, and had some of my furniture "in storage." Hard to know what is truth and what is fiction.
ReplyDeleteReading these are amazing! I was hit hard by my path, I had just been diagnosed with a serious illness and was recouperating when I met him. And, wow did he see ME coming...for 6 months I didn't know who I was living with. The "traits" are right on the money...thank you for sharing all of your stories. They surely help me to know that I'm not daffy and not alone!!
ReplyDeleteI was in a relationship with a man like that. As a matter of fact, I married this man twice. I wish I had known about Sandra Brown and her website and her books because that would have saved me so much time and heartache. These kinds of relationships do damage to a person that never goes away, even when you find the right person you are too screwed up to trust anyone, especially yourself. I say keep up the good work,because so many women feel they are alone in this, or that it isn't as commonplace as it is. There are so many men out there who are like my ex, and to this day I am still trying to pick up the pieces and live a normal life.
ReplyDeletei am a recovering addict/alcoholic of coming up on 14 years this may. the first time i read the basic text of NA and the big book of AA i felt totally understood and accepted. i felt HOPEFUL! this is the same way i feel about sandra brown's books..hope that there is a way to recover from my addiction to pathological relationships...finally information that hones in on the issue of my sick relationships with sick men!! my higher power is definitely working through her work..and i am extremely and eternally grateful.
ReplyDeleteWell, Epi Phannie summarized my experience and his,my ex-boyfriend's pathological characteristics quite brilliantly.
ReplyDeleteMy pathological guy has several personas and stories for different people; all were convoluted lies. He saved the best and most convoluted for me. It got to the stage where the stories and facts were so complex and convoluted that I took notes whenever we spoke on the phone. We spoke on the phone a lot as it was mostly a long distance relationship.
What hurts me to this day is that he insisted that we be exclusive. Meanwhile, he had several other women he was talking to and meeting when not with me, or meeting after he left my home. (He was on several internet dating sites and chatrooms.) He is very handsome, very tall, slim, buff, body of Adonis, deep very sexy voice. In other words, he has "lady killer" qualities, and he knew it and used these to his utmost diabolical advantage. I am pained that I missed the opportunity to meet a normal, decent man, while he caroused with many, many women, all the while telling me I am his one and only, so different and special than any woman he's ever known.
Seduction, and winning was his game. He loved to seduce women. He loved to conquer women and gain their trust. He spoke "words of love" to me, and the others. He doted on me, phoning me sveral times a day. He wrote long, gushing, passionate emails using poor grammar and spelling. That should have been an early tip-off for me, but sadly, I too longed to hear words of love and affection from a gorgeous, handsome, charming, sexy man.
I learned he is totally penniless, in spite of his grand stories. He owns nothing. He has an extensive criminal record. He had addiction problems. (He said it was cocaine, but I learned it was crack.) He has not worked most of his adult life, in spite of his stories of having been a big business tycoon, as well as a former underworld king-pin, who eventually got religion and became a born-again Christian. He even insisted we go to church every Sun. AM when he came to visit me and stay at my house. (Note, I have a house, he had NOTHING.) He was no Christian; it was all part of the act for me, the persona he put on for me.
He was a master at "word salad" games. Hence, I started to write eveything down. And, my what rages he would go into if I ever questioned the logic and consistency of any of his stories; it was frightening, and he knew that too.
He conned me for money, which he has not paid back. Soon after the "loan" he grew tired of me, and moved on to a new "love". There have been several other new "loves" in the last 4 years since he departed.
I could go on and on..............
I will never be able to trust a man again.
Sandra's work is so right on. I am only sorry I discovered her AFTER the damage was done and my time wasted in this relationship, my money gone, my emotions shattered, my life energy depleted.
I am Lisa'a story in the first edition of 'Women Who Love Psychopaths'. Yesterday my nephew cleaned my laptop and found 11 versions of of spyware including those which can duplicate passwords. It is five years on and he is still hacking into my yahoo account and reading my emails, though he lives in another country. Unfortunately, they never go away unless they have a duplicated source of narcissistic supply. He clearly has none at the moment.
ReplyDeleteMy pathological used his Army career to his full advantage. Many overseas trips, grandiose plans for his own business post-retirement. After I ended things, and exposed him to one of his "victims" that I could readily identify, they both turned against me, labeling me as "evil." I see he is up to his old tricks again, married to a young Muslim woman overseas, and has former lovers stateside fighting about him on-line to one another. It is patheric the path of destruction he leaves behind: a serial soul-killer. Relieved to be disentangled from his web of lies and deceit, but still healing from the aftermath.
ReplyDeleteHave been caught in the trap by tall charming man
ReplyDeletebeen manipulated and conned because when you have children you long for a family unit.
Well said, Anonymous. A 'serial soul-killer' describes them perfectly. You've hit the nail on the head!
ReplyDelete