Monday, October 31, 2011

Why are people forcing themselves on Lisa Irwin's parents?




By Cynthia Caron

In working with families of missing loved ones, I can tell you that every family reacts differently and rarely are the dynamics so similar with the actual missing person case as well as the family who are seeking their loved one. I continually read about all the people who have experienced horrible trauma of children murdered or kidnapped, never to be found, who are showing up at the door of the Irwin family, uninvited and at strange hours. Why would they think they would be welcomed? Why is the public throwing stones because the family is not opening their door?

Tina Porter, while suffering a horrific loss of two children, due to the hands of her estranged husband, should never have showed up at the door of the Irwin's uninvited and certainly not at 10pm at night.

Why would the Irwins invite anyone in at 10 pm to sit with them?

Do people forget they have young children that are suffering too? Children who need assured that all is going to be well? That they too will be safe and not abducted? I'm sorry for the terrible loss Ms. Turner had with her children's lives taken, but the last thing the Irwins need is to sit and cry more at 10 pm with sleeping children to wake and see their parents in continued deep sorrow. Children experiencing this kind of trauma need as best as possible a calm environment and a structured setting to occupy themselves. They cannot have disruption in their lives at 10 pm and if every person who suffered the death of a child showed up at the Irwin's, it would be devastating for those kids...and their parents.

At the same time, the Irwins need hope, not the horror of learning what Ms. Turner's husband did to her children. My guess is if Elizabeth Smart or her parents show up at the Irwins they would be welcomed with wide arms. Or Jaycee Dugard & family. I am also pretty confident they would make an appt to meet in private and not at 10 pm at night.

I'm very sad to see that the media would go to such lengths as to continue to write such negatives of "the Irwins won't open their door" articles. That is not news. Bad enough the media is camped out on their front lawn. None of this is being supportive of the family who, by the way, have not been named suspects.

This poor family can't do right in the eyes of the public no matter what they do.

When they come out to talk, bloggers are posting they are seeking media attention for themselves...when they don't come out...they are hiding something. This is a classic 2011 witch hunt in which people are running a muck and quite honestly, no thanks to Casey Anthony who set these public thoughts in motion. My heart goes out to the Irwins.

People accusing the family of being guilty because they have a lawyer? A lawyer is always needed when someone is treated as a suspect and have no knowledge of the law or procedures. People need to STOP focusing on the parents and START looking for Lisa! Nobody in that family has been named a person of interest, nor a suspect and I think it is time for the PD to step up and say such publicly as everyone is going to stop looking for a living child if they do not.

Have we become so judgmental and have fallen for every media report as factual?

For those saying "the story keeps changing", we don’t know if mom told police about drinking at the onset, about buying wine, about going to bed after too many glasses? We don't know if the police told the family to "just stick to the facts as to when and how you discovered your baby missing and not what happened before?"Perhaps they told the family to keep that part quiet to avoid public scrutiny of the mom as opposed to having the public look for the child at the onset?

We don't know if they had her withhold that information as a tactic to “form a bond” with her…thinking all along she did something to Baby Lisa? We don't know if shetruly failed a lie detector test? That too may have been a tactic to force a possible confession. We really don't know for sure if a cadaver dog truly did have a hit on the carpeting at the foot of the bed? If so, why has that carpeting remained? Why not removed for DNA evidence?

There is a lot behind the scenes that the public, nor I, are not aware and it is very unfair for people to give up and become convinced that Lisa is deceased and to stop looking for her.

Once the family realized that police were accusing them, they panicked deeper, obviously from fear, from unknown territories and with wanting the police to please find their baby so they did two things: one, they bonded with a media outlet that promised to keep Lisa in the public view and hired a lawyer. Anyone else would have done the same thing.

Someone from the "exclusive media outlet" obviously showed up and was extremely sympathetic and more than likely promised they would keep Lisa's case ongoing with the hopes that she will be spotted and found...and the family agreed. Finally, they thought, someone who will physically help them look for their living child! So the family decides to confide all to the media...all that may have been told at the onset to the police. The wine, the "not sure" about the lights, etc. We, the public, just don't know. Perhaps the media's strategy is to release info little by little, of that day and night Lisa went missing, so as to keep the case "alive" and keep reeling the public in so that Lisa remains in the mainstream all with the hopes of recognition and finding her?

Right now this family is so “emotionally” abused by the public, in my opinion, and I can see how they are retracting into a shell and just sitting there in shock.

The public needs to start looking for a LIVING child that someone has ...who didn't have last month. I am totally convinced this baby was indeed abducted. If wrong, I like many, will be heartbroken and quite honestly...very surprised. Prayers for Lisa's safe return, and prayers for her family for strength in this awful nightmare...and for the public to look at their neighbors and see if they may have a child who could be Lisa, that they did not have prior to her disappearance.



Respectfully,


Cynthia L. Caron


President/Founder


LostNMissing, Inc


Cell: 603-548-6548


Office: 603-965-4621


www.lostnmissing.com

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Changing Abusers’ Behavior: What Works What Doesn’t



By Barry Goldstein

Introduction

A few years ago I attended a national conference for and about batterer programs. One of my colleagues aptly referred to it as a marketing conference for the batterer program industry. I am sure there were many people at the conference that sincerely sought to reduce domestic violence and believed their programs could help accomplish this. Nevertheless I was appalled at practices that undermined the safety of women partnered with abusive men and frequent inaccurate claims that their programs could change men’s behavior and make it safe for women to live with them.

The modern movement to end domestic violence began in the mid to late 1970s and helped make men’s violence against women a public issue. This focused attention on the question of how to stop men in heterosexual relationships from abusing their partners. At the time there was little research available to help policy makers and most of the decisions on how to respond to domestic violence were made by people who did not understand domestic violence dynamics. This led to attempts to promote partner safety through ineffective approaches that continue to the present.

One of the fundamental questions was whether to respond by changing individuals one at a time or to promote societal changes. The primary response has been to focus on the individual such as by creating shelters and counseling for survivors and batterer programs and forms of treatment for abusers. This has undermined recognition of the need to make fundamental changes to the status quo by creating an appearance that society is engaged in an effective response to domestic violence. Ironically the present response has resulted in a substantial reduction in the number of men killed by their heterosexual partners, but only a small decrease in the number of women murdered by their abusers.

Common Practices Providing Little Protection for Women

Society has adopted many flawed practices in responding to domestic violence and failed to use critical thinking in understanding what strategies are likely to work. Large sums of money have been wasted repeating studies about the effectiveness of batterer programs and other unsuccessful approaches. These are based on a lot of unexamined assumptions. Repeatedly we have seen attempts to measure the success of a program based on re-arrest rates without any basis to assume the lack of a new arrest makes it likely he has changed his behavior. New and additional studies are piled on earlier flawed studies based on false assumptions like this. Too often there is a financial incentive to claim practices and approaches change men’s behavior. This results in a lot of misleading claims and then further research based on the earlier flawed studies.

1. Mental Health Treatment: Many people including abusive men can benefit from a variety of forms of therapy. A batterer could have a mental or emotional illness in addition to his abusive behavior. With extremely rare exceptions his mental health issues are not the cause of his domestic violence tactics and resolving them will not make it safe for a woman to live with him. Batterers sometimes like to seek therapy as a way to avoid accountability for his actions and create a false sense that he is likely to change. A full understanding of domestic violence dynamics is critical to responding to intimate partner violence. The cause of his abuse is his belief system and sense of entitlement. This is not something changed with therapy. Too often mental health professionals with little or no expertise in domestic violence and overconfidence in their therapeutic skills encourage the belief that they can change his behavior. There is no valid research to support these claims.

The custody court system made the mistake of treating mental health professionals as if they were experts in domestic violence. This was based upon the popular assumption when domestic violence first became a public issue that domestic violence was caused by mental health problems, substance abuse and the behavior of the victim. We now know these assumptions were wrong, but the custody courts continue to rely on unqualified mental health professionals for domestic violence cases and the result has been frequent mistakes that place children in jeopardy. One of the big risks is that partners and judges will believe his therapy reduces the risk he poses to his partner. This can lead to bad decisions that place his partner and any children in danger.

2. Substance Abuse: Long before the start of the modern movement to prevent domestic violence there was a widespread belief that alcohol or drug abuse was the cause of the batterer’s assault. Many unqualified professionals continue to believe this even today. Often he would come home after drinking too much and severely assault her. Accordingly the excess drinking was assumed to be the cause of his assault. The use of drugs or alcohol reduces inhibitions so that when he assaults her while under the influence his assault is often much worse than at other times and certainly more memorable. One of the main reasons the Women’s Christian Temperance Movement lobbied for prohibition was their belief that it would lead to less wife beatings.

An abusive man with a substance abuse problem would certainly benefit from treatment or other programs to end his abuse of alcohol or drugs. It is completely appropriate for courts to mandate such programs in response to a domestic violence crime. The court and his partner need to understand, however that his substance abuse did not cause his partner abuse and if he successfully completes a program to deal with his addiction, this would not resolve his domestic violence issues.

A closer look at his behavior will demonstrate he has a belief system and sense
of entitlement that he uses to justify controlling and coercive behavior towards his partner. He engages in these tactics even when he is sober. Abusive men often use their substance abuse problem as an abuse excuse while trying to avoid accountability for their mistreatment of their partners. Significantly, many men with substance abuse problems never abuse their partners while under the influence because it is not a behavior they would consider. This is why we do not see people commit cannibalism while under the influence. It is a behavior they would never consider while sober.

3. Anger Management: Some courts continue to send batterers to anger management classes although there is no valid research to support this practice. Anger management is a legitimate problem for some people and such classes can be helpful. Someone with an anger management problem cannot control their anger towards anyone. They are a danger to assault their boss, the bank teller or police officer. Domestic violence perpetrators have complete control of their anger and use it to help coerce their partner. They control their anger, often after far more provocation when interacting with others because they know there would be serious consequences if they failed to do so. They abuse their partners because there is a long history of husbands abusing their wives with no accountability consequences to him.

In the New York Model Batterer Program that I instruct in the men will point out that they don’t have an emotional involvement with others who they don’t assault, but cannot control themselves when their partner “pushes their buttons.” What happens if she does something that he defines as improper when they are out in public? He may be angry, but he controls his anger and waits until they are home and there are no witnesses before abusing her. In other words he controlled his anger as long as he knew there would be consequences if he hurt her in front of others.

4. They Need Tools: In one of the classes I taught we started with a check in and then one of the men asked where another man was and the answer shocked everyone. He was in jail accused of murdering his wife. The men and instructors were genuinely upset about this tragedy and the men repeatedly asked why we did not provide them with tools so they would know how to respond if they became upset. The instructors did not have an answer so we promised to discuss it in our weekly training and respond the following week. During the discussion we came to understand that every man in the class already knew how to behave appropriately if it was important to him. He used these “tools” in his interaction with others and used them with his partner at the start of their relationship. In fact if he had not initially treated her respectfully there would never have been a relationship. In other words the men already had the tools to treat their partners properly. If we used the class to teach tools it would be colluding with the men. If they were really unable to avoid abusing their partners it would be unfair to punish them for something they could not help. In fact they know how to behave and do so throughout their lives even when something happens that makes them angry. Therefore if they mistreat their partners they are responsible and should be held accountable.

5. Batterer Programs: Most people probably believe the purpose of batterer programs is to change offenders’ behavior. The government has spent a fortune trying to determine the “effectiveness” of the many programs. What would it mean to say a program is successful or effective? This is often measured by recidivism or in other words how often are men who complete the program later arrested for a domestic violence crime? The problem is that this measure actually tells us very little. Domestic violence crimes have the lowest rate of reporting so many men who continue to assault their partner are never again arrested. The failure of the court’s response and abusers’ practice of blaming their partners for their arrest often discourages women from involving the police or the courts again. Accordingly the lack of a new arrest does not mean he never committed another domestic violence crime.

Furthermore, most acts of domestic violence are not illegal. The abuser might continue to believe he is entitled to use domestic violence tactics to coerce and control his partner, but limit himself to legal tactics so he does not face any consequences for his actions. How could we measure if he is doing this? Some programs and research seek to measure it by asking the offenders if they stopped abusing their partners. For obvious reasons their answers are suspect. Some programs seek to obtain more honest answers by asking their partners. I believe this is unethical because it places his partner at risk. If she reports that he is continuing to abuse her he is likely to punish her or hurt her for revealing his continued abuse and if she lies in order to protect herself the program assumes their practices have been successful. Accordingly when programs make claims about their success rate there is good reason to doubt the validity of their findings.

A better question to ask in evaluating the success of batterer programs would be what happens to a man who fails to complete the program. A study of batterer programs across the country found that only around half of the time do men who fail to comply with a court order face further consequences. This is important because it sends an important message about how seriously the courts and in turn society takes domestic violence. Consider what happens if someone gets a parking ticket and fails to pay the fine. It may take a while, but eventually the driver will face increased fines, an inability to obtain a new registration and drivers’ license and in some cases might find a boot on the car. In other words society takes parking violations seriously. It is a sad commentary on community values if they place more emphasis in enforcing parking violations that the brutalization of women by their intimate partners.

Practices that Would Provide Protection for Women

It is not just that the common practices are not helpful in ending men’s violence against women. They create the illusion that something useful is being done and drain resources from practices and approaches that would provide better protection for women partnered with abusive men. We have the ability in the short term to drastically reduce at least domestic violence crimes and if we adopt best practices would also start to reduce other forms of domestic violence. Here are some of the approaches that could take society from the appearance of responding to domestic violence to actually making women safer.

1. Accountability: Men are far more likely to assault and abuse their intimate partners than anyone else in part because they do not expect to suffer any consequences for their actions. Holding men accountable for their abusive behavior sends a message that society no longer will tolerate his abuse. He will stop his abuse or at least criminal abuse because he does not wish to risk jail or other real punishment. The success of the Quincy Model and other communities that enjoyed a drastic reduction in domestic violence crime and particularly homicide used strict enforcement of criminal laws, protective orders and probation limitations as an effective way to prevent domestic violence crimes.

Many men grew up in homes where they saw their fathers abuse their mothers and suffered no consequences for doing so. Many of these boys grew up and decided not to repeat their father’s behavior. Others took the message from the lack of consequences that such behavior is acceptable in our society. A jail term or other serious penalty is needed to reverse the message and discourage men from repeating their criminal acts.

2. Monitoring: The only responses to domestic violence that have been shown to create a long-term change in men’s behavior towards their partners are accountability and monitoring. Probation departments that have used strict and aggressive monitoring of domestic violence offenders have been shown to be successful in discouraging men from repeat offenses. In the Quincy Model, the probation department closely monitored their clients which contributed to a reduction in domestic violence crime. When men on probation were charged with a new crime they would quickly charge him with violating probation. This permitted them to jail him immediately instead of waiting for his case to go to trial. This provided safety for women as their partners would be out of circulation and sent the message that Quincy was taking domestic violence seriously.

3. Making it Easier for Women to Leave: The modern movement to end domestic violence has resulted in many laws and practices designed to help women partnered with abusive men. As a result of these reforms it is easier for women to obtain divorce, protective orders, shelter, financial support, advocacy, criminal prosecution and community support. Significantly, each of these improvements has made it easier for women to leave. It is no coincidence that practices that made it easier for women to leave also resulted in a reduction in domestic violence crime and particularly domestic violence homicide. More recently abusers have learned to use the custody courts to go after the children. The frequent mistakes caused by inadequately trained court professionals have resulted in frequent awards of custody to abusive fathers. Many mothers have responded by staying with their abusers in order to be close to their children in order to protect them. The recent increase in domestic violence homicides after many years of declines are likely caused by the widespread failures of our custody courts. They have made it harder for battered mothers to leave abusive fathers.

The problems caused by making it harder for women to leave their abusers are illustrated by a series of preventable tragedies in Dutchess County, New York. For many years the custody courts in Dutchess have been strongly influenced by “fathers’ rights” groups. The courts have routinely minimized the significance of domestic violence complaints and often failed to recognize the pattern of coercive and controlling behavior because of the use of flawed practices and unqualified professionals. The result was frequent cases in which the abusive father won custody and safe, protective mothers were taken out of their children’s lives. As a result of these and other practices that created ineffective responses to domestic violence the community suffered six domestic violence homicide incidents in little over a year that resulted in ten deaths including the loss of five women and a police officer.

The county legislature asked a citizens committee made up of professionals in the relevant professions and disciplines to investigate the county’s response to domestic violence and make suggestions for improvements. The committee found that battered women and particularly protective mothers were refusing to seek court assistance because the courts were so frequently siding with abusers and in many cases helping the abusers maintain their control over them. In other words the flawed practices by the courts in response to domestic violence led more women to stay with their abusers and this was an important factor in encouraging the tragedies men committed in Dutchess County.

In contrast, the Quincy Model included practices and approaches to help make it easier for women partnered with abusers to leave. They set up special days and times for courts to hear domestic violence cases and took these cases out of order on other days. In other words they made these cases a priority. Police, prosecutors, court clerks and advocates made it easier for women to seek assistance and understand the court procedures. Strict enforcement of criminal laws, restraining orders and probation conditions supported the women and made it easier to leave. These practices that helped women escape from their abusers resulted in a significant reduction of domestic violence crimes and especially homicides.

4. Stop Forcing Children to Live with Abusers: A few years ago I wrote an article discussing how we know the custody court system is frequently sending children to live with abusers. I cited examples of ten types of research and information that established the frequent mistakes in domestic violence custody cases were causing courts to place children in danger. Since that article was printed many additional articles and studies have appeared that confirm my conclusions. The purpose of abusive fathers seeking custody, particularly fathers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship is to regain control over their partners or punish her for leaving. The custody courts have made these tactics successful and in doing so discouraged battered mothers from trying to leave their abuser. As discussed above, this has led to an increase in crimes including domestic violence homicide.

A study by the Leadership Council has established that every year at least 58,000 children are sent for custody or unprotected visitation with dangerous abusers. Although the first priority in deciding custody ought to be safety, the custody courts regularly use professionals and make decisions without knowledge of the kinds of abusive behaviors that demonstrate a higher risk of lethality or other risks, without any understanding of domestic violence dynamics or even how to recognize domestic violence. In other words the courts are giving themselves no chance to engage in the kind of investigation necessary to make an informed decision. Even worse when protective mothers or qualified professionals criticize their mistakes the courts respond in a defensive and retaliatory manner.

One of the fundamental problems is that court professionals have been taught that contested custody are “high conflict” cases. This leads them to look for mutual conflict and to pressure the parties to work together. The research demonstrates that a large majority of contested custody are domestic violence cases so mothers are being punished for not wanting to interact with their abusers. Most of these contested custody cases involve the worst of the worst abusers. Fathers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship but seek custody because they believe she had no right to leave. The courts use of flawed practices and failure to look to current scientific research about domestic violence leads them to help abusive fathers maintain power and control. Often the courts punish the mothers as the fathers request. This makes it harder for battered mothers to leave and undermined the laws and practices designed to prevent and discourage domestic violence.

5. Use Multi-Disciplinary Approach with Current Scientific Research: The book I co-edited with Mo Therese Hannah, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY features a multi-disciplinary approach with chapters by the leading experts in the U. S. and Canada including judges, lawyers, psychiatrists, psychologists, sociologists, journalists and domestic violence advocates. We did this deliberately because this gives professionals access to all the current scientific research and encourages an open discussion. I have frequently seen custody court professionals limit themselves to information and training from people in their profession and so fail to be open to new information even if the face of frequent mistakes by the courts.

Best practices involve consultation between different disciplines and professions in order to create the most effective responses to domestic violence. Many communities have adopted practices where the child protective agency and domestic violence shelter work together to respond to possible domestic violence cases. They cross-train each other’s staff and when potential domestic violence cases are reported the caseworkers consult with domestic violence advocates and sometimes they go together to the homes. This has resulted in caseworkers better able to recognize domestic violence and formulate arrangements that work best for the children.

The psychology and psychiatry professions recommend that when someone is handling a case that involves subjects in which they are not experts they should consult with someone who is. Unfortunately these recommendations are aspirational so failure to use these best practices does not result in discipline. Repeatedly we see evaluators appointed by the court with little or no training in domestic violence fail to consult with a domestic violence expert. This is why such a high percentage of domestic violence custody cases result in arrangements harmful to children. Rita Smith, Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence was right when she wrote in the afterward of our book that once the book is published court professionals who continue to use these outdated and discredited practices should be understood to be committing malpractice.

6. Rely on Genuine Experts: Domestic violence professionals are part of the only profession that works full time on domestic violence issues. Judges and other custody court professionals tend to minimize their value because the advocates often have less formal education than the unqualified evaluators and other professionals relied on by the courts, are seen as partisan because “they always oppose domestic violence,” and the courts are not used to thinking of domestic violence as having a specialized body of knowledge that requires expertise.

The custody courts turned to mental health professionals at a time when there was a widespread assumption that domestic violence was caused by mental illness, substance abuse or the behavior of the victim. At the time and until very recently the higher degrees the courts put such high value on were obtained with no training about domestic violence. Even now few of the evaluators and other professionals relied on by the courts have more than a few minutes of formal training in domestic violence and often a couple of hours at a workshop is the extent of their domestic violence training. Nevertheless these professionals continue to try to handle domestic violence cases without the assistance of experts because they don’t know what they don’t know.

In contrast, domestic violence advocates are provided extensive training in domestic violence before they start their work and regularly attend additional trainings. Indeed they are often the experts that provide trainings for professionals and others in the community (particularly those not involved in the custody court system). Perhaps the most important part of their job is assessing the dangers faced by their clients and helping to create a safety plan. The advocates understand domestic violence dynamics and how to recognize domestic violence. They are also familiar with current scientific research. In other words they have all the needed expertise that the professionals relied on by the courts are missing.

I have heard many judges express the view that domestic violence advocates are partisans, but this is based upon a lack of critical thinking. The policy of every state and every court is to work against domestic violence. Advocates do not support false allegations by mothers both because it is wrong and they make it harder for battered women to be believed. The advocates are best able to recognize domestic violence and safety risks and to suggest remedies to avoid harm to survivors and their children. According to the law this is exactly what the courts are supposed to be doing.

Judges, other court professionals and the public are not used to thinking of domestic violence as a subject for expertise. In part this is caused by the fact there was virtually no research available at the start of the modern movement to end men’s violence against women so the courts never got into the habit of seeking this information once it became available. Most people have had some experience with domestic violence as a victim, offender or knowing people who are. There is a tendency to reach general conclusions from the few cases they think they have knowledge of. If they are personally involved it may be hard to be objective and if they hear the story from someone else they likely heard only one side. Domestic violence advocates base their knowledge on personal experience with at least hundreds of cases and research based on thousands of cases. This helps them identify patterns which are so important in understanding domestic violence and particularly keeping the issues in context. This is one of the reasons advocates are so much more qualified to provide advice about domestic violence and their conclusions are so much more accurate than court professionals. We frequently see courts reach conclusions that are possible but extremely rare such as the belief the batterer suddenly stopped his abuse without any intervention. I often hear judges say they have to look at each case separately, but in doing so they miss the pattern. This is the kind of information they need and would receive if they were open to listening to domestic violence experts.

7. Work to End Sexism and all other Oppressions: One of the many problems in responding to domestic violence is that in sexist societies we are not responding to aberrational behavior but rather normal behavior. We often see journalists and court professionals confused by information that the alleged abuser is successful in other parts of his life and is known for good deeds and other positive behaviors that make it hard for untrained professionals to accept that the same man has brutalized his partner often over many years. Similarly we often see untrained professionals have difficulty believing domestic violence allegations against someone who is well dressed and well spoken.

Men do not commit domestic violence in a vacuum. Indeed the failure to view their behavior in context is a major impediment to understanding and recognizing domestic violence. Men’s behavior towards women takes place in the context of hundreds and thousands of years in which men were allowed and even encouraged to abuse and control their wives. In many of our lifetimes, domestic violence crimes that are now prosecuted were considered legal or at least treated as private matters for which the government was not expected to interfere. Wife rape was treated as legal behavior because men were considered to be entitled to sex from their wives.

We often see slumlords that mistreat their tenants and provide unsafe homes. If an angry tenant burned down the building no one would suggest that the bad behavior by the landlord excuses or justifies the act of arson, but we frequently hear abusive men or their attorneys justify his abuse because of something his partner did that made him angry and worse we hear judges and other court professionals take the explanation seriously. In one notorious case in which the abusive father admitted to calling the mother 20-25 times a day as late as 1 AM when he knew the mother and children were sleeping, the judge ruled he was justified because he was angry at the mother because he believed he missed some of the phone calls he was entitled to. Only in a sexist society would someone believe this explanation was worth making much less acted upon by a court of law.

The men in the batterer program I instruct often question why we spend so much time discussing other oppressions instead of focusing on domestic violence. I sometimes respond by discussing the exhibits at the King Center in Atlanta designed to honor the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King. They have an exhibit about the continuation of his work today that features many activists from around the world. One of the people featured was the woman who started the domestic violence movement in Russia. Dr. King’s family understands that we cannot end one oppression like racism without ending all oppressions. In other words the work to end domestic violence and sexism helps support the work to end racism. Toward the end of Dr. King’s life he was preparing to lead a poor people’s demonstration because classism is another form of oppression.

A year before Dr. King’s death, the Supreme Court issued a landmark decision Loving v. Virginia that invalidated state laws denying the rights of blacks and whites to marry. At the time a majority of the public or certainly whites probably supported laws that prevented whites and blacks from marrying each other. The court recognized the fundamental violation of basic rights including equal protection and it is fair to say a large majority of the public would now oppose any restrictions. Just as racism was used to limit who could marry, the present issue of same sex marriage is opposed by many people based upon heterosexism. There was never a rational basis for either restriction of fundamental human rights and dignity and acceptance of same sex marriage appears to be increasing so that it will eventually be accepted like interracial marriage is today.

Those of us working to end domestic violence understand that sexism is the cause of domestic violence. Sexism encourages the belief that men are superior to women and entitled to unearned privileges including the right to control their intimate partner and make the major decisions in the relationship. The belief that women are less than men causes widespread harm to our society and robs us of much that women could contribute to our wealth, health and happiness because it undermines the ability of women to reach their potential.

8. Coordinated Community Response: Men in batterer programs often suggest that the best approach to domestic violence would be to “teach the children.” On the surface this seems like a good idea and certainly we want to reach children and provide them with a perspective about the importance for men to treat their partners respectfully. In the program we often start a discussion about where children get their ideas and beliefs. We quickly make an extensive list of sources that include friends, family, peers, religious institutions, the media, business and many others. The point is that if children received a good message in class but received the typical misinformation from the other sources their belief systems would not fundamentally change.

The present widespread beliefs that tolerate or encourage men’s abuse of their intimate partners comes from a long history of sexist practices and the constant reinforcement of misinformation from all the major institutions in society. This is why a coordinated community response is necessary so that positive messages are coming from each community to reinforce each other and make the prevention of domestic violence a high priority.

Each part of the community has a positive role to play to reinforce the message against domestic violence and to stop delivering messages that support men’s sense of entitlement and privilege. Thus the media needs to stop supporting the belief that the value of women has to do with their attractiveness or body parts or that they should be limited to “women’s roles.” They need to stop publishing and broadcasting stories about domestic violence crimes that actually sympathize with the offender and often invisibilize or blame the victim. The media particularly needs to expose the crisis in the custody court that has resulted in at least 58,000 children being sent for custody or unprotected visitation with dangerous abusers every year and the deaths of 175 children in a recent two year period caused by abusive fathers involved in contested custody.

Many religious institutions helped abusers and encouraged domestic violence by pressuring women to stay with her family despite the danger and her partner’s abuse. Quotations from holy books and documents were often misused to encourage women to stay. More modern and responsible clergy instead speak of the importance of peace and safety and treating partners respectfully. Many religious institutions now take on a strong role of working to discourage domestic violence and supporting survivors.

Unqualified mental health professionals often seek to treat abusers as if their mistreatment of their partners was caused by mental illness. Unethical therapists provide couple’s counseling despite the danger to women. Unscrupulous evaluators and other professionals have adopted practices supporting abusers in order to increase their income. This has contributed to the widespread failure of the courts to safeguard protective mothers and their children. Mental health professionals who work as part of a coordinated community response refuse to engage in such unethical practices but do provide support and assistance for women partnered with abusive men and their children.

For years the medical community treated the physical wounds without considering the cause based on the common belief that it was a private matter. Today they can make a record of her injuries so it can be used later when she is ready. They also make information and resources available to the survivors by making sure they have private conversations away from their partners.

Throughout this article I have discussed the role of criminal courts to hold abusive men accountable and make it easier for women to leave. The custody courts need to reform their practices so they can become part of the community response seeking to prevent domestic violence instead of frequently helping abusive men maintain control over their partners and punishing her for trying to leave. In all of these efforts the community should look to the domestic violence agencies for information, resources and leadership. Communities that have an active coordinated community response tend to have lower crime rates and more support for domestic violence survivors.

Conclusion

The media recently reported on a story in which a man walked into a beauty salon and murdered his ex-wife and several others. The stories emphasized what a nice man the murderer was and such a devoted father. His history of domestic violence and homicidal threats were ignored or barely mentioned. I wrote to one of the reporters complaining about the approach to the story and suggested they should have interviewed a domestic violence advocate or other expert. The reporter agreed this was a good idea and promised to do so. Journalists are not the only profession that routinely fails to know who the experts are regarding domestic violence or to seek their assistance when responding to possible domestic violence cases or incidents.

Part of the problem is the false assumption that mental health professionals are domestic violence experts. Some are, but not because of their degrees. Part of the problem was the lack of research and expertise at the start of the movement to end domestic violence when decisions needed to be made about the best ways to respond to domestic violence. The frustrating part is that we now have a specialized body of research that could inform other professionals and help them make better decisions but many factors are preventing the use of this expertise.

We know how to respond to domestic violence in a much more effective way. We have the ability to eliminate a large majority of domestic violence crimes and particularly homicides. We also know that children who witness domestic violence or are themselves directly abused are far more likely to commit crimes when they are older. In other words a substantial portion of crimes would be prevented if domestic violence crimes were significantly reduced. People impacted by domestic violence including the abusers, their partners, the children who witness his abuse and third parties who become victims of crimes committed by these children often never reach their potential as a result of society’s continued tolerance for domestic violence. Many of those impacted might just lead a normal life, pay taxes and contribute to society in a variety of ways. Some may have made substantial contributions to society developing new businesses or even industries, making health or other scientific discoveries to improve society. Some might be teachers who inspire students to do something remarkable. The possibilities are unlimited.

The health care impact of domestic violence tends to be drastically understated because we typically only consider the immediate expense to heal a wound. Stress is an important factor in causing and exasperating many common diseases and few things are more stressful than domestic violence. Domestic violence often creates the need for extensive mental health services for PTSD and other conditions caused by domestic violence. The crimes discussed earlier creates still further need for medical treatment.

A group of medical professionals recently calculated that the United States spends as much as $750 billion every year on health care related to domestic violence. We spend over a trillion dollars every year in expenses caused by crime. Obviously we would have plenty of crime even if domestic violence were greatly reduced but it is likely a couple hundred billion can be attributed to domestic violence. The lost potential is hard to calculate because we cannot know what might have been but it is reasonable to believe the cost in the United States is hundreds of billions of dollars annually. There are many other costs such as lost work days. To be practical not all of our losses to domestic violence can be expected to be recovered by the adoption of best practices, but hundreds of billions of dollars can be saved every year. This is in addition to the lives lost and the quality of the survivors’ lives.

This seems like an awful lot of money to throw away to justify past bad practices, help unqualified professionals make a good living helping abusers or to maintain the ability of abusive men to keep their unearned privileges. I believe we should start an honest discussion based on critical thinking about the costs of the present practices and our ability to do better. I believe an open discussion will lead to the needed reforms. Perhaps there are people that would like to share $500 billion this year and every year for the rest of our lives. Even better most women could lead their lives without experiencing domestic violence crimes.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Remembering Our Roots:Joyce's Brown's Influence on The Pathological Love Relationship Recovery Process




 


By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.


This weekend marked the 4th death anniversary of an extraordinary visionary. Many of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction's highly acclaimed purposes, products, and processes came from what Joyce lived through, talked about, and role modeled for others.


Joyce, like other leaders, did not set out to do anything extraordinary. She simply set out to heal after two back-to-back pathological relationships. First a 25 year relationship with a narcissist and then an upgrade to a sociopath for 10 years left Joyce in the typical emotional fetal position that is common of the aftermath of pathological relationships.


She went through the normal stages of pathology recovery asking,


"What just happened?"


"Did I do that?'


"What's wrong with him?"


"Why am I so obsessed with this?"


"What's wrong with me? Why am I attracted to men like that and what does it say about my life that I would end up in a relationship like that?"


Without the benefit of mental health therapy and with only the support of a few close friends (who were quickly becoming weary of the ongoing saga of 'why' her, why him, why he moved on quickly, and why he picked the new woman), Joyce managed to piece together not only a recovery, but some profound insights that changed the quality of her life forever.


By then, at age 60, it would have been easy to say she would not likely find love, or heal. It would have been even easier to get bitter, get revenge, get hyper focused on him and his latest antics, or get in a fetal position and stay there.


But remarkably, Joyce rose from the dirt she had been ground down into. Like the symbol of the Rising Phoenix she not only rose, she dug out every particle of dirt that could be transformed from crusted pain and milled it for life changing insight.


She didn't keep these golden gems to herself--she talked to women about relationships wherever she was. Some of her approaches have trickled down to help other therapists work with women leaving pathological relationships.


Joyce believed women tended to drift sideways into pathological relationships looking for fun and excitement which actually pointed at what that woman needed in her life that would prevent her from taking just any old relationship.


"If you aren't living a big enough life that is as big as your heart, or as big as your personality, or as big as your dreams, then any old psychopath will do."


She poignantly asked herself "What is or is not going on in my own life that I would end up with a sociopath? Sure I didn't know he was one, he said all the right things...but what could this possibly be pointing out to me about me, the condition of my own life, and what needs to happen so I don't choose like this again?"


16 years later she had answered her own question:


In her 60's she went to college for the first time, became a short term missionary, she started her life in the arts of painting, sculpting, and pottery, she moved to a one room beach house so she could 'make up for lost time and play hard,' drove a convertible Miata to feel the rush of adrenaline she no longer had because the sociopath was gone. In her 70's she took up belly dancing to prove to herself she was still attractive, went to Paris to see handsome men so she knew she could still flirt, and got a motorcycle so she always had something hot to ride (!)--hey, I'm just quoting Joyce here. She became a hospital Chaplin to comfort the sick and fed the poor every week to give some of that hyper empathy away least it go to another psychopath. She sailed a Catamaran to the Bahamas to challenge her fear because she could not swim.


"A relationship is the icing on the cake. It is NOT the cake. Don't confuse the necessity of living life to be the icing. Living life IS the cake. Anything else, including relationships, is just the icing."


The Institute's own Jennifer Young who does phone coaching and our tele-support group had this to say about Joyce's impact on her and the women she helps, "Joyce Brown carries a big impact on my work with women. On her own she developed the innate ability to care for herself. That care translated into real solutions for disengagement from a pathological relationship. I believe the biggest, specific idea that has come from Joyce is the idea of 'Not One More Minute". I have shared this concept with many women who instantly feel the ability to disengage....not one more minute means I will not allow you to take one more minute of my energy, my love, my care, my compassion. It provides an end point...a point to say I'm done. This change in thinking, that I stop it, is crucial. It means that she has come to know and understand that he will not change, but I still can...and I will. So thanks to Joyce Brown for showing us the way to the end!"


At her death at age 76, she laid in a hospice bed only hours from death. I told her I wanted to toast her life. She said "Crank this bed up!" She fluffed her hair and with a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand, she said "I have had a great life. I lived, I learned how to have a great life, and I was loved. Who could ask for more?"


Her life lived well is what has impacted thousands of women worldwide and is the main thing women come away with who attended our retreats. Sadly, in this day and age, living a great life seems to be an extraordinary accomplishment. Her lecture on 'Get a Great Life' is what has spurred women on to not merely limp into recovery dragging their soul behind them. But to burst into recovery and fill their lives to the rim with all the things that her big personality needs in order to live fully. Lifeless living is what caused many women to seek the psychopath so full of energy that it seemed exciting and vibrant. Joyce said, "The problem is pointing to the solution. I loved the energy of those men! But what was that energy and why couldn't I have it another way? Was a psychopath the only way for me to feel life?"


Joyce learned that vibrancy comes from a life that is full of the things that interest, motivate, support, and challenge HER. If she wasn't living a big enough, interesting enough, motivational enough, supported enough, and challenged enough life....she would drift again into the arms of pathology to fill that space.


Feel how big YOU are and fill your own life with a great life!


From one of our readers, she wrote on Joyce's Facebook Memorial:


"Thank you, dear lady, for your continued inspiration - a legacy you've left to many you never knew but who have come to love you for your feistiness, tenacity, grit and that wonderful sense of humor!"


To celebrate Joyce Brown during her death anniversary and the month of DV Awareness Month, we are giving you our MP3 down load called 'Get a Great Life' inspired from Joyce's story for only $5! (Normally a $12 value).


To listen to a short clip of the audio, click HERE


TO PURCHASE, CLICK HERE


Get a great life and stop the cycle of pathology!


Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the Founder and CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  She is the author of several best selling books, including How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Why Women Love Psychopaths.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Art of Meditation



By Jillian Maas Backman


Life coaching and counselors alike emphasized the importance of devoting a portion of your day to quiet time. These insightful reflective moments are a way to release stress and help maintain a stable mental equilibrium. The practice of meditation is a perfect way to start.

Meditation dates back thousands of years and has ties to eastern philosophical thought. Spiritual processes that transcend cultural diversity and encourage all human beings to explore focused detachment and obtain lasting inner peace.

I am thrilled this ancient art has hit a mainstream cord with thousands of individuals who are seeking out how-to classes and attending group mediations with sincere passion. However, with every new trend comes a significant nuance that skews original translations and water-down the overall effects. This does not necessary qualify this trend as bad. It does however; create deviations from its original teachings, meant to create a calm inward environment for the mind, body and spirit to flourish.

There are some who cast a discouraging net over this holistic practice with an over active imagination and implied implications who suggest that one can escape into a world of trances without personal consent and render a person incoherent and powerless over his or her own human choices. Suggesting that delving into an esoteric altered state of consciousness where one looses all control is somewhat nonsensical. To assume a person can become that incoherent from sitting in quiet reflection is rather naive. Do not get me wrong here. There are times when you can experience a sense of boundlessness and escape to a world of quiet nothingness. However, I can honestly report from years of meditating I have never experienced anything the naysayers have to offer as a reasonable reason to refrain from this powerful exercise. In fact, I attribute much of my soul expansion to this daily practice.

I have been meditating on a daily basis for many years. Way before it was the “in- thing” to do. I consider meditation as one of my spiritual tools for sustaining my own wellness. As my life filled with beautiful gifts of family and career, I found myself being irritated by circumstances. Letting go of the little stuff was difficult and I waited until they were blown way out of proportion and became big stuff. It was becoming more difficult to separate my issues from everyone else’s and found myself heading down a road littered with human negativity and disappointment. This set me on a search for something that would create wholeness again.

We are bombarded with constant stimuli from the moment we wake to the moment we retire for the evening. It is virtually impossible to accidently create downtime with this action packed reality. Like exercise, one has to commit and schedule contemplative sessions every day.

Meditation can assist those who live in or with stressful situations and partners. It is a gentle way of tutoring yourself to detach mentally and emotionally from the worries around you. Like unraveling a tightly wound ball of twine one session at a time, it can help separate out issues you could not sense before and provide linear clarity to what is truly in front of you. It may not provide the exact answers one is searching to find. It can help isolate truths you need to examine by eliminating “background noise” from others, de-clutter the mind and regain control for the future. A clear head will prevail affording you the ability to connect with your own inner knowing and sense the right answers for yourself.

The Art of Meditation

When we think of meditating, the first mental picture that comes to mind is a thin structured person, legs crossed in front of them in the lotus position with palms together over the heart area. This image is synonymimous with what people perceive as the proper way of achieving Zen. Although this exercise is suitable for some, it is not necessarily suitable for everyone. There are dozens of ways people can achieve the same quiet results.

Are you an extrovert or an introvert?

Not all meditative practices are done in the same manner. The ultimate goal is to be able to sit in comfortable position for extended periods relaxing and letting go of all the cares in the world. This is proven the most effective way the body, mind and soul can reach a state of complete energetic calm and tranquility. However, if you are an extrovert and attempt to begin your practice with this form of meditation in particular you may be setting yourself up for possible failure.

Extroverts, those of you that have to be in constant motion will be fighting a mind-chatter battle if you start with the common sitting position mentioned above. These kind of people love to exercise and be active most of the day. Calming down and sleeping at night can sometimes be a challenge. The traditional sitting position will leave you unfulfilled and you will probably give- up from boredom.

It would be to your best interest if you started with a “walking meditation” instead. When I say walking, I mean walking, not running. Walking infers a slow and methodical rhythm. This kind of rhythm will take you into a more serene tempo and begin to bring the energy level in your mind and body to a more subdued state.

Your next step is to eliminate the internal mind- chatter with the use of predetermined power words. Begin this process by asking yourself this internal question every time you prepare to walk. What power words or statements best describe the state for which I aspire to achieve? Spiritual clarity, calm, or patience. It may or may not change with each walk. I will share an example of my own power statement I have been using for several years now. “I am safe and at peace with who and what I am. I relinquish my ego to the highest truth.”

Once you have your power statement focused in your mind, it is time to start walking. Time your words with your steps. By doing this action in cadence, the mind noise will naturally fade away and emptiness will set it. You will be amazed how simple this happens without struggles. Walk as far as you need until you feel an inner sense of balance making its way back into your mind, body, and soul.

The more you repeat this exercise, the quicker you will hop into the meditative zone without effort. It will be entirely up to you if you want to move into the next stage of training yourself to sit or stay with walking. Either way you will succeed on finding that quiet universe within.

Introverts, those of you who prefer a less vigorous way of life and relish in a more cerebral existence. This kind of person can go to sleep easy and have some command over turning off the inner mind- chatter at will. Lucky!

You would be an awesome candidate for a more traditional way of meditating as I described above. Sit quietly undisturbed in an environment conducive for releasing stress after a busy day. Expect the mind chatter to peak when you first begin. This is your first clue that you are doing something correct! It is simple brain activity reacting to internal cues signaling it is time for conscious rest. Like any little child when you put them down to sleep, their first reaction is to resist. Let this spike run its natural course. If you attempt to fight against the word-filled stream of consciousness, it will only intensify. It will settle down after a few moments. Most people give up right at this point with frustration. Believe me, once you get through this common stage the world inside will open up in ways you cannot predict. The struggle is worth the pay-offs. There are years of experiential baggage built up and ready to be released. Relax and take it in stages.

Position yourself in a place where you can feel both emotional and physically safe. Close your eyes slowly. Make this action very deliberate to signal to yourself “I am going to mediate now.” Place your hands at your side or in a prayer position. After you master this casual method of meditating, you can search out more formal training on the proper way of practice. Leave those techniques for later when you become proficient and ready to step up your level of meditation. For now, do what feels right in the moment.

Again, have a power word, phrase or even sound prepared. Internally say the word to yourself with each inhale of your breath and exhale the energy that comes up from inside. Repeat this process until you feel yourself letting go of stress from the inside out. This will send out signals to the body’s internal mechanism to settle down. Sit as long as you can stand it. The first couple of attempts may be nothing more than mind purging. This is still incredible progress. If you are willing to stick with either meditative method over time you will reach spiritual bliss.

Lastly, the breath. This probably is the most crucial part of meditation, but not necessarily, in the way you think. The breath does bring down all body systems simultaneously. For most beginners, anxiety sets in the minute they sit down to do this exercise. The anticipation of doing it right overtakes their need for relaxation. Expect your heart to race with the excitement of your anticipated meditative experience. Deep breathing will force you through this initial reaction and into the meditative zone. It is exciting once you figure out how to get into that zone with a few simple breaths.

Try the breathing technique I have taught many. When you take a breath inward, the inhale, aim the breath towards the back of your head. Like a diagonal line beginning at the roof of your mouth and extending to the crown of your skull upward. On the exhale, imagine the breath releasing from the highest point on your head into the body downward covering the entire body with oxygen. Some of you may experience light-headedness. That is ok! I Repeat and let the energy move in and out with each breath. Eventually, nothingness will replace your conscious attempts at breathing. The more you can teach yourself this breathing technique the quicker you will enter into the quiet zone. Stay as long as you want. Your mind and body will signal you when it is time to come back into the real world. P.S. No need to hurry back.

There will always be a fine line between living in the world and living of the world. Living in the world is a life too consumed with minute dramas and no daily meditation. Thus, risking the chance of missing opportunities for growth. Living of the world is a life with meditation and being somewhat detached from the dramas around us. Granting one the possibility to see all options clearly from a neutral point of view.

Meditate with no expectations; it is the only way to see clearly the chosen way.

In loving gratitude,



Jillian Maas Backman, Author, Beyond The Pews, Breaking With Traditions and Letting Go Religious Lockdown.  www.jillianmaasbackman.com

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Fraternity Crime



By Guest Writer, Marina Salsbury

Crime among fraternities is an ugly reality. Students die each year as the result of alcohol poisoning often linked to hazing rituals for new pledges trying to earn a place in a fraternity. Sexual assaults at fraternity parties go largely unreported, either because victims are often so drunk (or drugged) they have little recollection of the facts, or are too ashamed to speak up. Besides the wholesome participation in sports, college courses, and morale-building events, hazing, sexual assaults, and alcohol abuse are unfortunate parts of Greek life, practiced deliberately as rites of passage for generations of college students. Most fraternity crime goes unreported and unacknowledged, except in the unlikely event a witness talks to the press.

These crimes are rarely punished, and many campuses sweep serious crimes under the rug. In many university settings where fraternities are powerful, discipline is often administered by the same people charged to promote Greek life. Even when student courts do punish fraternities with fines and other consequences, decisions are often overturned by administrators influenced by fraternity alumni who donate large amounts of money to the school each year.

Although colleges are required by law to report crimes on campus or at university-recognized organizations off campus, this law is often ignored. Most campus police have the power to arrest students and send them straight to district attorneys or keep problems in-house at the college. On the rare occasions when crime is actually reported to outside police, fraternity brothers rarely cooperate when questioned. Witnesses are often intimidated into silence and members are expected to show complete loyalty to the fraternity instead of heeding any moral obligation to report a crime as responsible citizens.

Some school administrators are trying to change the recruitment process and clean up the Greek system. For instance, Cornell University is in the process of mandating no-alcohol events for rush parties with all alcohol banned for any events that freshman attend.
Cornell fraternity leaders have been given a timeframe for implementing these changes.

Research backs up a definite connection between alcohol and many of the sexual assaults and hazing incidents perpetrated by fraternity members. Banning alcohol at fraternity house parties is one way to try and control situations that often get out of hand.

However, enforcement will be key for any alcohol-related rules. If schools are serious about reigning in the dangerous problems associated with fraternity crime, then they must be willing to substantially discipline and potentially shut down fraternities that break these rules. Otherwise, mandates against alcohol abuse or anything else will be viewed as mere lip service.

Consider how seriously students view alcohol rules at a football stadium where alcohol is banned. Students simply bring their own flasks and add to the soft drinks of their choice that they purchase at the stadium. Regardless of signs posted all over the stadium that say alcohol is banned, students don't take the regulations seriously, and simply work around them.

Until fraternities are held accountable for their crimes, it is doubtful their behavior will change. University politics make it unlikely that fraternity boys with influential fathers and alumni who donate heavily to the school will be challenged in any real way. It will be a brave act indeed to stand up to such pressure to overlook fraternities' frequently criminal indiscretions, but until law enforcement, college administrators, and students themselves make such a stand, fraternities' sanctioned sexual violence and other abuses will continue.



Marina Salsbury planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Seebergs Gain Ground: Thank God



By Roger A. Canaff, JD


Elizabeth “Lizzy” Seeberg passed to the next life on September 10, 2010, a little more than a year ago. I did not know her. Readers of this space, however, know that I was profoundly touched by her life, her death, her courage, and finally the courage of her parents as 9/10/10, for them, bled brutally into the following fall and winter.

For the Seebergs, last fall was not a typical one for a Roman Catholic, Chicagoland family with multi-generational ties to Notre Dame du Lac and St. Mary’s. There was no warm delight in the football schedule, the changing of the seasons, or the approach of the holidays.  Instead it was a dark struggle in the wake of a nightmare with a suddenly impenetrable bureaucracy that was the Notre Dame administration. Since I and others have described them before, I won’t recount here the missteps I believe Notre Dame took, both with the investigation of Lizzy’s attack and with its interpretation of federal privacy laws. Suffice to say the Seebergs, already dealing with the worst nightmare any parent could face, were met largely with incompetence and then obstruction where her attack and death were concerned.
However, their resolve yielded some progress earlier this year when Notre Dame agreed to significant reforms in its response to sexual violence after an investigation by the Department of Education (DoE) in the wake of Lizzy’s death.

And beyond Notre Dame, hope also sprung forth in the form of DoE policy with the publication of an April, 2011 “Dear Colleague” letter from Russlyn Ali, Assistant Secretary for Civil Rights at the Department of Education.  The bottom line is that just about every U.S. public or private institute of higher learning relies on federal funding for various parts of its mission. The DoE Office of Civil Rights is empowered to condition receipt of federal dollars on meeting certain standards of protection for students at risk for discrimination. The office considers sexual harassment and assault to fall under that category.  The letter outlines several things colleges need to do in order to be in compliance with best practices where the response to sexual violence is concerned. Examples are things like preventing offenders from personally cross-examining victims in non-legal disciplinary hearings, and requiring a preponderance standard in determining the outcome. These things are hardly revolutionary or anti-due process.

Nevertheless, a backlash has arisen from various pundits who see these measures as some sort of perverse manifestation of political correctness that threatens to derail some precious and flowering aspect of adolescent college life.

One commentator, Sandy Hingston, unsurprisingly a romance novelist, tragically conflates the sexual exploration of adolescence with rape. She harkens back to what were apparently her and her counterparts’ own experiences of awkwardly waking up with boys in compromising situations and just not making a big deal of it. To the extent that such consensual liaisons happen, she’s correct- a big deal shouldn’t be made of it.

But here’s the rub: It isn’t.

Those awkward, fuzzy situations continue to occur every night in college life- more so now than then.  But they almost never produce complaints of rape, and nothing in the DoE’s guidance will change that. The fact is, most women and men who are clearly sexually violated in liquor-fueled, late-night encounters do not wake up and cry rape, let alone what victims of murkier situations do. The over-riding response to being violated sexually is to blame oneself and say nothing, and that will not quickly change. The DoE guidelines are simply helping to level the playing field in cases where the violation is clear enough, as in the case of Lizzy Seeberg, where an outcry is not only just, but necessary to the security of the campus and all of the students on it.

But this is lost on commentators who type with panicked fingers about how these changes will surely quell romance, stunt the college experience, and lead to the rounding up of men and permanent victim-hood of women.

Nonsense. This is argument in a bubble, utterly unschooled or unaware of how sexual violence actually occurs between people in the real world. Another commentator, Peter Berkowtiz, wonders aloud in the Wall Street Journal which campus leaders will come forward to challenge this new, frightening world order. Among others, he entreats literature professors to instruct that “particularly where erotic desire is involved, intentions can be obscure, passions conflicting, the heart murky and the soul divided.”

Really? So when a woman (or a man) is trembling in a strange bed, or stumbling, half-dressed from a backseat or a back room with the dawning horror of having been sexually assaulted, what she must first do is consider the divided and murky nature of her passionate soul?

Both commentators can be forgiven for naiveté, but neither have a clue what sexual violence really looks like.  The reality is, when complaints are made- or even contemplated- it’s almost never a close call.  It’s almost never a gray area.  Despite the musings of Mr. Berkowitz and others, sexual violence isn’t simply an unfair moniker for the complicated, erotic interplay of Rhett, Scarlett and a swollen, harvest moon in a sultry, starlit sky. It’s really much more banal, blunt, and evil than that. When it happens, and it does, it needs to be dealt with competently and fairly.

Competence and fairness. That’s what Lizzy Seeberg needed, and in large part what she was denied. That’s why her parents fight on, not for Lizzy now, but lovingly in her memory and valiantly for the millions of women they know will face what she faced. They could have been easily forgiven for shutting down and tuning out after the loss of the light in their lives, yet they are doing neither. Their angel is gone from this life, but they are not content with waiting to see her in the next. They are fighting to protect the angels of others who will wander onto campuses and into situations unmistakable in their criminality and deserving of a realistic, healing, and just response. The DoE’s efforts and its hard look at Notre Dame are a product of that fight. Both are welcome steps toward a better world.


A widely known child protection and anti-violence against women advocate, legal expert, author and public speaker, Roger Canaff has devoted his legal career to the eradication of violence against women and children.  Visit Roger's website:  www.rogercanaff.com

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

It IS Different Now




By Susie Kroll

Stabbings. Shootings. Drugs. Violence. You might be compelled to think that I am talking about the cartels in Mexico and the ongoing war on drugs. You would be wrong. I am talking about a day in the life of our junior and high school students.

  • On October 2, 2011, Cindi Santana, a 17-year old girl was stabbed to death by her ex-boyfriend. 
  • On April 20, 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold shot and killed 12 students, one teacher, and injured 21 others in a mass shooting at Columbine High School. 
  • On February 12, 2010, 11 high school students were arrested at Redmond High School in Washington after they were busted by police for selling a variety of drugs to undercover cops on and off campus. 
  • On October 27, 2009, a report stated that middle schools in Northern Virginia are growing as the new epicenters of gang activity recruitment. The gangs that are recruiting in middle schools are MS-13, Southside Locos, the Bloods, the Crips and 18th Street gangs. These gang names were once only heard of on the streets of major cities, special reports on MSNBC, and in prison documentaries. Not anymore, the violence is moving into places once considered safe, sacred, and protected from the ills of the world-our schools. 

I could go on and on about the major acts of violence that are occurring in our schools today. Allegations of sexual abuse, rape, teen dating violence, bullying, and hate crimes are also occurring at an alarming rate in our schools.

Often I hear parents say that schools today haven’t changed much since they were themselves there. I hear parents say that bullying is not something to get worked up over. It will pass. It is how kids build thicker skins. I say tell that to Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14-year old boy that killed himself on September 17, 2011 after being bullied and tormented for years.

I want to be heard. I need everyone to pay attention. Times have changed. School life has changed. Listen to your kids. Promote healthy and open relationships and discussions. Do not help a bully, abuser, or other tormentor isolate your child and make them feel worthless. Accept that really bad stuff happens in schools and that your child may be a victim without you knowing it. Ask. Talk. Listen. Believe your child. Be Aware. Most importantly, be proactive in your child’s life. Teach them about healthy relationships, communication, and safety. I want every tween and teen to recognize the signs of violence in its many forms so they can get help and not feel alone. I want everyone to listen to those screaming for help and those that don’t know how to ask for it. I want to help a victim while they are still alive instead of finally listening when they are gone. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes-no one listened to Jamey. It IS different now. Let’s work to change the differences in schools to positive instead of negative.


Susie Kroll frequently speaks on the issue of teen dating violence, bullying and how to create healthy relatoinships. She is also a regular contributor to the magazine, Reasons To Be Beautiful. Please visit her website for more information: www.susiekroll.com




Monday, October 17, 2011

Peas In Their Pods



By Gaetane Borders

Few realize that a child is abducted every forty seconds in the United States, or that 42 percent of these children are African American. Despite these alarming statistics, children of color receive the least amount of media exposure when such heinous crimes occur. Peas In Their Pods was established in March of 2007 by Iowa native, Janice Lowery, to bring awareness about the epidemic rate at which African American children are abducted or endangered. It’s an issue that staff of the organization fight hard each day to change since the lack of exposure negatively impacts the likelihood that these children will successfully and safely be reunited with their loved ones.

The reality is that many people have not heard the stories of Adji Desir, Aleacia Stancil, and Hassani Campbell. Or the stories of Marti Lee Bell, Rebecca Candace Tribble, or Maurice Laron Jefferson. They are children who disappeared without a trace. They are children whose familiy must live each day not knowing where they are, or if they are safe. Sadly, there are hundreds of thousand of families coping with this same issue. Though the circumstances regarding their loved one’s disappearance is different, one commonality that they share is that they are precious and Black.

The first 24 hours after a child goes missing is crucial, and can make all the difference in the outcome. Therefore, the organization works closely with families to guide them through the necessary steps that they should take when their child is missing. The organization is also very active in implementing preventative measures that ensure child safety. This is done through parent and caregiver education seminars, outreach services, and through various media outlets including a weekly radio show and monthly ezine.

In addition, Peas In Their Pods has created an alert method called the RILYA Alert system. The more popular Amber Alert’s criteria do not often seem to be met by missing Black children. While the benefits and value of the Amber Alert are undeniable, the RILYA Alert helps to bridge the gap that exists. This alert system helps reduce the response time in which the crucial information is shared with the public. It was named after a youngster called Rilya Wilson who went missing for over eight months before anyone realized she was gone.

The staff at Peas In Their Pods is asking everyone to visit the organization’s website to view the pictures of missing children. Viewers may recognize a child, and could, perhaps, offer clues that may help solve a crime. Your help is needed because it is everyone’s job to help save our children!

Sincerely,

Gaétane F. Borders

President, Peas In Their Pods

hfmbc@hotmail.com

www.peasintheirpods.com

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