Soulful Medicine

by Jillian Maas Backman

As an intuitive life coach I find it very rewarding to write encouraging words which inspire hope and change to all that read my blog posts. This one was suppose to cover the intrinsic benefits from the practice of meditation. However, life has a funny way of changing directions without your permission. There are times when roles reverse themselves with a blink of an eye and the life coach becomes a student in the course of life on purpose.

I was asked to join the team of Time’s Up authors because of my diverse background in both life coaching and intuitive sensing. It lends itself to an interesting perspective of both intellectual thought and soulful insights that are unique to all of us. I have also been quietly involved behind the scenes in dozens of unsolved missing person cases over the years, and have been quite happy to convey intuitive messages to those much more capable than I to implement progress to every case. It has afforded me the opportunity to create a deliberate separation from those directly involved. More importantly, keeps me grounded in my own intuitive space for clarity without outside distractions.

Since involving myself in the Time’s Up movement I have seen post after post of heartbreaking accounts of missing person cases, and unsolved mysteries occurring throughout America every day. It has become so prevalent in all communities there is no escaping the indisputable fact that each one of us will probably be personally touched by this human epidemic at some point in our life.

You would think working so closely in this field I would be prepared for whatever comes my way. Growing up in the church, I was faced with the undeniable truth of human tribulations on a regular basis. However, no matter how many times you experience first-hand suffrage through the eyes of another you never get used to sensing the toll it takes on a human soul to endure the loss through tragic circumstances.

I recently crossed paths with a man in a nearby community that was directly involved in an unsolved missing person’s case. In fact, it was the father of the missing child. As he began to recite his story I found myself lost in his sorrow as a mother and an intuitive. I immediately began searching inside myself, attempting to gather up some insightful intuitive wisdom to fill the silence between us, possibly easing his aching heart for just a moment. There was nothing appropriate that could convey his loss was my loss. His human confusion was now a part of my human confusion. Two strangers struggling awkwardly towards the same outcome, a higher understanding of what he and his family were going through.

As a natural born healer we are trained to jump directly into “saving mode.” I was drawn to provide some kind of clarity to this man’s desperate disillusion and supply him with appropriate intuitive answers to his unsolvable reality of human experiences. I could not bring his child back home or make his family feel better emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. I had nothing but love to share with him. Love of the energy kind. The soulful medicine that can heal the deepest human wounds anyone can withstand.

I will probably never see this gentle lost father ever again, but the loss of his child will be forever in my heart. He brought forth a lesson I shall never forget. There may be times in the future when I become too comfortable in my separate isolation from the world at large. Hopefully I will never become complacent with the intuitive work at hand and remember each family is unique in processing their own grief. As healers, we should let their specialness be our guide to uncovering unseen clues from the universe.

As we parted ways, both turned to a tried and true method of human coping that supersedes all man-made grief. He asked me if I would pray for his child. I did what this distressed father asked me to do. I prayed. I prayed for his family as a mother and an intuitive interpreter for peace in the distant future for all those involved.

In ever-growing gratitude,

Jillian Maas Backman

Know the Facts About Who IS Lurking On the Internet…for Your Kids Sake

We are learning every day of more and more kids who are on Facebook and other social media sites are ideal prey for predators. Every parent, adult and child must be educated about internet safety. Please read, digest and share the following information with your loved ones and others. You never know how many lives you may touch today.

After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:

ByAngel213:

Hi. I’m glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!

GoTo123:

LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don’t you live in a safe neighborhood?

ByAngel213:

Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz’ I didn’t see anybody when I looked out.

GoTo123:

Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven’t done that have you?

ByAngel213:

Of course not. I’m not stupid you know.

GoTo123:

Did you have a softball game after school today?

ByAngel213:

Yes, and we won!!

GoTo123:

That’s great! Who did you play?

ByAngel213:

We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL

GoTo123:

What is your team called?

ByAngel213:

We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.

GoTo123:

Did you pitch?

ByAngel213:

No, I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don’t want them mad at me. Bye!

GoTo123:

Catch you later. Bye

Meanwhile, GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon

Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985

Age: 13

State where she lived: North Carolina

Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this in the conversations they had on-line. He had enough information to find her now.

Shannon didn’t tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn’t want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn’t be so overprotective.

By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.

Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.

He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn’t look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.

After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him.. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.

Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon’s home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.

Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon’s house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.

“Shannon, come here,” her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn’t imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

“Sit down,” her father began, “this man has just told us a most interesting story about you.”

Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!

“Do you know who I am, Shannon?” the man asked.

“No,” Shannon answered.

“I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.”

Shannon was stunned. “That’s impossible! GoTo123 is a kid my age! He’s 14. And he lives in Michigan!”

The man smiled. “I know I told you all that, but it wasn’t true. You see, Shannon, there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze.”

Shannon was stunned. “You mean you don’t live in Michigan?”

He shook his head. “No, I live in Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn’t it?”

She nodded.

“I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn’t as lucky. The guy found her, did bad things to her and then murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you’ve learned a lesson from this and won’t do it again. And, please tell others about this so they will be safe too, okay?”

“It’s a promise!”

That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Personal Safety Expert and Child Abuse Prevention Specialist
Anny is the President of The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company and Project Safe Girls

Anny received her PDR (Personal Defense Readiness) Instructor Certification in 2008. Anny is also a Child Abuse Authorized Facilitator and Prevention Specialist who trains adults to prevent, recognize and react responsibility to child sexual abuse through Darkness to Light's Stewards of Children certification program.

Babyland:Not A Place For Children

By: Gaétane Borders 

I learned something today that really troubled me so much that I simply had to write about it. I found out that there is a place in America where babies die at a rate that would be expected in a third world or underdeveloped nation. But, it’s not Somalia, Angola, or Cambodia that I’m writing about. Nope, it’s Tennessee! Of the 23 richest countries, the United States has the highest rate of infant mortality, according to the CIA World Fact Book.

The first city health department report warning that Memphis had a problem with infant mortality was issued in 1935. Clearly, this issue has not changed because the state health department has reported that in Shelby County, a baby dies every 43 hours! Hospitals are reportedly overwhelmed with the number of single mothers who lack of prenatal care. The babies most at risk are African Americans from the most impoverished parts of town.

Every Tuesday and Thursday in Memphis, as the miniscule bodies accumulate, the Health Department takes over for the families who can't afford a funeral. The tiny bodies are buried in a cemetary referred to as Babyland. Although the name is reminiscent of an amusement park filled with exciting rides and pony rides…it is not a place you will ever want your children to go.

So what are the factors that influence child mortality?

Here is a list of issues that negatively affect pregnancy and/or child health:

• Lifestyle Choices 
• Maternal Health 
• Alcohol and Drug/Substance Use 
• Birth Defects 
• Poor Nutrition 
• Disease (STD) 
• Irregular Prenatal Care 
• Infections 
• Closely spaced pregnancies 
• Psychological Stressors 
• Poverty 
• Domestic Violence 

As you can see, the issues on the list are preventable or easily treatable. However, community education is key. There are many organizations and initiatives that provide free or very affordable services that can help save the lives of babies. Here is a short list:

Healthy Start

Designed to meet community needs, the projects include outreach, case management, health education and community consortia. For more information, visit www.hrsa.gov


Medicaid and SCHIP

Medicaid is a state and federal partnership that provides access to prenatal care for eligible mothers and health coverage for millions of infants from low-income families.


Toll-free prenatal care hotline

A toll-free hotline to assist pregnant women and others seeking information on prenatal care, including referrals to local clinics and physicians. Assistance is available in English at 1-800-311-BABY (2229) and in Spanish at 1-800-504-7081.

The situation in Memphis is truly saddening. However, it is my sincerest hope that sufficient intervention occurs that will help to make an impact on the trend that we are seeing. Much of this is preventable…but outreach is sorely needed.

Listening to the Perps

By Barry Goldstein

At the same time the media fails and refuses to cover the crisis in the custody courts in which thousands of children’s lives are destroyed by the use of outdated, discredited and biased practices, the NY Model Batterer Program I work with is frequently invited for television shows and interviews with reporters if we would provide a “reformed” batterer. We always turn down these requests and explain that there is no way to know a batterer has truly changed and that in any event he would not be someone with the expertise to help their audience understand the issue. This is no problem for most journalists. They simply find a program with less ethics and a greater desire to appear on television.

I believe the idea comes from a common practice where former prisoners are asked to speak with at risk youngsters to tell them what a life of crime and time in jail is like. This can be an effective tool to provide that message because it is coming from people who once were where the young people are now. The same approach is often used in substance abuse programs. Those who have experienced life using drugs or excessive amounts of alcohol are perceived to understand the temptations and results better. These types of programs can be effective, but a mistake is made when people attempt to expand the program to offenses involving sexism, racism or other oppressions. For these issues, the experts are those in the marginalized groups and not the offenders who took advantage of the unearned advantages they enjoy in this society based on being a member of groups that are treated as if they are superior. One of the privileges members of advantaged groups receive is the ability to define so that men can define what is included in abuse and whites define what constitutes racism. An earned privilege is something earned through work such as a doctor allowed to perform surgery based on education and training in comparison to a man who has the privilege of walking anywhere without risk of sexual assault or having people pay more attention to what he says than they do to what women say which is an unearned privilege. Members of the dominant group are often oblivious to the privileges they receive.

A good, or perhaps I should say bad example of this common mistake occurred at Minnesota State University, Mankato last month. The school paid Adam Ritz $2500 to speak to the students about the dangers of drinking. The event was sponsored by the Residence Hall Association, a fraternity and Men Against Violence. The Women’s Center expressed its opposition to the presentation but was ignored by these organizations including Men Against Violence which claims to be an ally of the Women’s Center.

Adam Ritz is a former local media personality. He is also a convicted sex offender. He reveals this as part of his presentation, but only towards the end. Mr. Ritz came home and attempted to rape the young woman who was baby-sitting his children. He was convicted, but served only six months and is on the sex offender list for his crime. His presentation sparked a controversy on campus that has spread throughout the country. A Facebook page was created to protest the decision to invite him to the school. Rather than treating the student body with a modicum of respect and addressing these concerns Mr. Ritz and the organizers of the program made many mistakes and I would like to look at them in hopes they can be avoided in the future.

1. Take Leadership from Members of the Marginalized Group: Men are not the experts about rape, just as it would be foolish to look to the wealthy to learn about poverty or a heterosexual to learn about the risk of being outed. Men can go virtually anywhere they wish without worrying about being sexually assaulted. Women have to pay close attention to the behavior or men and carefully restrict their activities in order to reduce the risk of rape. Women and even young girls have to learn and pay attention to information needed for their safety and so become the experts. Accordingly when the Women’s Center objected to the program with Adam Ritz, the male organizations should have recognized the Women’s Center as the experts on campus and stopped the program. Even better they should have consulted with the Women’s Center before scheduling Adam Ritz. It is unsurprising that they didn’t because they were exercising their privilege. Maya Angelou, the poet, says when people show you who they really are, believe them.

2. Rapists are not Qualified to Speak about Addressing or Ending Sexual Abuse: The many egregious, inappropriate and downright hurtful statements made by Adam Ritz illustrates why it is a bad idea to have perpetrators of sexist or other crimes based upon oppression speak to these issues. Rape, like domestic violence, is committed because of a belief system of male entitlement and the common view that the value of women has to do with their appearance and sexual attractiveness instead of their intelligence, talent, hard work, character and so many other attributes that women possess. At most, Adam Ritz may have learned that there can be moderately negative consequences to him for sexually assaulting a young woman, but there is no indication that he understands the magnitude of the harm he caused and the wrongness of both his actions and his beliefs. Society tends to measure whether a sex abuser or domestic violence offender has reformed by determining if he has been arrested again. This is an ineffective approach to these crimes which have the lowest rates for reporting of any crimes. In other words, the fact he was not rearrested does not mean he has not committed further crimes. Furthermore domestic violence offenders may switch to legally sanctioned (as we live in a patriarchal misogynistic culture) domestic violence tactics and sexual abusers may continue to treat girls and women as if their main value is their appearance even if they do not commit further crimes. Accordingly the school should not use a rapist to discuss sexual abuse particularly when so many on campus object.

3. Substance Abuse does not Cause Rape: Substance abuse causes a lot of societal problems such as premature death, days missed from work, lowering the GNP and additional burdens on the health care system. Certainly colleges and universities are justified in creating programs to respond to a problem that causes absenteeism, undermines the academic work of students and too often results in deaths from drunk driving and binge drinking. That seems to be the genesis of this program, but the speaker attempted to use his excessive drinking as an abuse excuse for his attempt to rape the young woman who was watching his children. While alcohol can reduce inhibitions, it does not cause people to engage in activities they would otherwise never consider. This truth makes us aware that Ritz is an even bigger danger than people want to believe because he is inclined to rape. We know this because with inhibitions reduced this is what he tried to do. If this wasn’t already on his agenda he would not have committed sexual violence as alcohol does not a rapist make, though, some rapists turn to alcohol in an attempt to justify or minimize the violence and harm they commit If Mr.Ritz had a belief system that sexual activity is supposed to be mutually pleasurable and based upon consent his excessive consumption of alcohol would not have caused him to do something out of character. The same is true with domestic violence where many abusers mistakenly blame alcohol for their more serious assaults. Millions of people drink too much, but never abuse their partners or attempt to rape someone while under the influence. Men on and off campus often seek to encourage women they are with to drink alcohol in the hopes it will reduce their resistance to having sex with them. It is based on a belief system of men wishing to be able to do things to women often degrading, demoralizing or dehumanizing, instead of sharing mutually pleasurable and meaningful activities with women.

4. Sending the Message of Serious Consequences for Men who Sexually Assault Women: Adam Ritz could have put out a message that there are now serious consequences for men who abuse and mistreat women. That would have been a useful message because the fear of consequences to them might make men change their behavior even when they do not fully understand the harm they are causing. The message was profoundly undermined by the extremely mild sentence Mr. Ritz received. It was further undermined by his approach which was to minimize all his transgressions and instead focus on how much he had suffered and lost. His failure to acknowledge the tremendous harm he did to the young woman and others demonstrates his failure to understand the consequences of his actions and a complete lack of accountability for his crimes.

As men generally do not worry about being sexually assaulted it can be hard for them to understand the magnitude of the harm they cause. Our patriarchal culture structures privilege to shield men from the realities of the harm they cause. Newsweek ran an interesting article right after the 9-11 terrorist attack. They compared a variety of traumatic events in terms of what is most likely to cause Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD). This is a horrible experience commonly caused by the worst possible experiences such as war, earthquakes, kidnappings, hurricanes and killing sprees. The reason they wrote the story at that time was because the type of event second most likely to cause PTSD was a terroristic attack. At that time the closest example we had was the Oklahoma City bombing. Significantly, the type of event most likely to cause PTSD was rape. It may be hard for a man to imagine being raped, but they can certainly imagine what it would be like to be in the middle of a terror attack as it is a subject about which the media always provides comprehensive coverage. My purpose is not to compare rape and a terror attack, but to consider that rape is even more likely to cause PTSD. That should help men understand the magnitude of the harm they cause when committing rape.

5. Men Must be Open to Questions and Challenges: The organizers promised that there would be an opportunity for questions and comments. This was an absolute necessity after a discussion of such an emotionally charged topic and particularly one led by someone with unearned privilege. The organizers appear to have never intended to provide a question and answer session and just announced there was no time for questions and abruptly ended the program. This permitted wrong and disturbing messages to remain to further support a rape culture. An ethical speaker would have wanted to hear what community members had to say in order to make sure he had not caused further pain. Apparently, Mr. Ritz continues to be concerned only with himself and his needs.

6. Focus on the Impact on Victims not Offenders: Many of the women in the audience were offended because Adam Ritz focused on the moderate consequences he brought on himself by his actions instead of concentrating on the severe harm he had caused his victim. Supposedly he was paid to speak because he had learned some lessons that he could share particularly with the men in the audience. Instead it is clear that he has not learned the right lessons because he continues to focus on what happened to him which was more than deserved instead of the horror he inflicted on the young woman he attacked who did nothing and could not possibly do anything to deserve what Mr. Ritz did to her. Mr. Ritz discussed his shameful behavior as if he was a victim rather than the perpetrator. Too often in this society, perpetrators of outrageous and offensive conduct say something like “mistakes were made” instead of accepting complete and total responsibility and acknowledging the harm he alone caused. While society encourages such meaningless insincere apologies with a boys will be boys mentality, Adam Ritz must share the blame for his unaccountable message.

7. Consider the Impact on the Audience: The rate of rape and sexual abuse on college campuses is frighteningly high. This means there was a good chance that victims of this crime could be expected to be in the audience. This is especially true because there was no warning in the publicity materials that the speaker was a rapist. The approach of Mr. Ritz in minimizing his responsibility and focusing on the legal sanctions and consequences to offenders rather than the harm they caused their victims was likely to be offensive to caring people who oppose misogynistic messages in society and support the work to end men’s violence against women. His deeply flawed presentation has the potential for severely harming survivors who had been victimized by other rapists. Again this is why it was so crucial to get feedback from the Women’s Center.

8. The Focus Should be on Changing Men’s Behavior: Most programs and approaches to preventing rape and sexual assault are based on changing women’s behavior, and hence collude with rather than meaningfully address the rape culture. Certainly there are many actions women can take to reduce their risk and these can sometimes be useful responses, but the danger is that it promotes the blame-the-victim approaches that predominate as responses to sexual assault. Better approaches would involve holding men accountable for their own actions and putting the responsibility to prevent rape on men where it belongs. Only rapists can stop rape and to think otherwise is to accept the premise that men are entitled to rape if they can get away with it. This is exactly what Adam Ritz, still clinging to his privilege, refused to do and more importantly what the school failed to do when they selected such an inappropriate speaker.

What Can Colleges Do to Prevent Rape on Campus?

1. Hold Offenders Accountable: Schools should make it clear that there will be zero tolerance for sexual assault. Lesser offenses like harassment or verbal abuse must be treated seriously. Athletes should be warned that charges of sexual assault will result in suspension from the team and confirmed findings will result in removal from the team. When any charges are pending the alleged offender should have no access to the alleged victim even if he has to change classes. The strongest deterrent will occur when men see other men punished for behaviors they had always thought were no big deal. This is exactly what American Colleges and Universities fail to do when they impose gag orders or even expel survivors, fail to make required reports of sexual assaults and protect student, faculty and staff rapists.

2. Train Staff: Students tend to pay more attention to what they observe than what they are told. Therefore it is important for colleges to train staff about domestic violence and sexual assault. They need to know more than what the rules are and how to enforce them. Teachers and administrators need to set an example for treating women in a respectful manner. Sexist jokes and comments should be avoided and sexual harassment rules strictly enforced. Placing women in positions of authority sends a strong message about the value of women.

3. Consult Women’s Organizations: When colleges develop policy, practices and particularly programs aimed at preventing sexual assaults, the administration should consult with Women’s organizations with an interest in the issue. This will give administrators a viewpoint that will help them understand what coeds are facing on campus and what they think could help them.

4. Men Must Earn Ally Status: Men have an important role to play in ending men’s mistreatment of women. We certainly want men to become actively involved and to support women, thus creating a healthier humanity. At the same time the men must avoid thinking they have all the knowledge and that they can take the lead on this issue. I belong to the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS). We aspire to be considered allies of women and organizations working on behalf of women. It is not up to us, however to proclaim ourselves allies, but to listen to the women and hope they will consider us allies.

Conclusion

Adam Ritz, without taking the time to earn the trust of women and without understanding the issues he speaks about, took it upon himself to create a for-profit business where he would be paid large sums of money to speak about very sensitive subjects that he is unqualified to address. In doing so, he caused tremendous harm and subjected himself to much deserved criticism. I also often speak when asked on behalf of women and for such organizations as the Battered Mothers Custody Conference and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The difference is that I worked a long time on these issues and earned the trust of the women who are leaders in these organizations. I learned the importance of taking direction from women which I must admit was not always easy because it is so different from what men learn in this society. Unlike Adam Ritz, women leaders asked me to speak on their behalf and I continue to listen to their feedback in order to be accountable to the women in the movement. Adam Ritz was never part of the movement so speaks for profit and to minimize his responsibility for his crimes instead of encouraging men to stop acting on their sexism and male superiority. Men in the movement to end men’s violence against women often receive undeserved praise for doing what ought to be normal. As long as men’s mistreatment of women is the norm, men have substantial unearned advantages over women and a substantial portion of the population provide misplaced sympathy for rapists like Adam Ritz because he spent six months in jail for his attempt to rape a young woman in his home, while minimizing the lifetime of pain, fear and trauma suffered by survivors of Adam Ritz and other rapists, it will be important for men to listen to women and be open to the idea that a lot of our beliefs must change.

I wish to acknowledge and thank Genevieve Brackins for her assistance in preparing this article.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

A Thousand More Sunrises for Robin Smith

We have experienced days where we wish we could go back under the covers and hide from the world until the next new sunrise. Yesterday, I had one of those days. Absolutely nothing went right from my first cup of morning coffee that never made it to my lips because it slipped out of my half awake hand crashing onto the kitchen floor. And I have a rule to never answer my cell phone or attempt to read a 5:00 a.m text without the jump start of a strong, hot cup of coffee.

The day was one crisis after another. In the eyes of almost everyone, I was on their "personal bark list." From prosecutors to law enforcement and all those in between by 9:00 a.m. I wanted to call it a day, go back to bed until the following morning and start fresh with a clean slate. But I could not. It was also radio day at the Zeus studio's and I had my Thursday two hour show to do. I sucked it up the best I could putting a smile on my face and forged ahead. The day did not get better.

Exhausted and feeling a self defeating pity party coming on with me, myself and I, clouding over on the day seemed all but lost. After checking my emails I headed over to face book. A woman by the name of Robin Smith left me this comment " I just wanted to say that this picture of you is beautiful. I hope you are having an awesome week." How thoughtful of her, I said to myself.

Then towards the bottom of her face book page is this:

"As some of you know, I have had 7 cancer surgeries, but God has been right with me. On 5/16/11 my doctor did a physical and found a tiny spot. I refused the biopsy until I have completed the Trail of Hopes for St Jude. I do not have time to be down for any length of time. So please join our event and prayers are always welcome."

This remarkable woman is also the author of

and she is a songwriter, a good one I might add, I encourage you to take a listen: http://www.reverbnation.com/songwriterrobingolliher

Robin also has a non-profit organization called "A Way Out 4 All [http://www.awayout4all.webs.com] an agency dedicated to those in abusive relationships. I suggest we all become prayer warriors for this amazing woman.

My prayer and wish is for our Father in Heaven to allow Robin to watch a thousand more sunrises.

Yours is the day and yours the night, you caused sun and light to exist, you fixed all the boundaries of the earth, you created summer and winter. Psalm 74:16-17

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visit http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is also in partnership with Pamela Chapman and iAscend Programs. http://pamelachapmanl.biz

Susan is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold. Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr Laurie Roth. Susan is a survivor- the daughter of a police officer family intimate partner homicide by her father who murdered her mother before committing suicide.

Remember Your Children are Watching You

By Lavinia Masters

What kind of behavior do you display around your children? What is acceptable for them to see?

Not just on television or on the radio but what do they see you do at home?

Do you allow your children to see you showing appropriate affection towards others or affection that they are too young to understand but are able to imitate.

Do you allow your children to see you act out as if it you were participating in some drama scene when you become upset with others...remember your children look up to you and nine times out of ten whatever they see their parents do...in their minds it appears acceptable...and they can use it against you.

I remember an instance where a parent was a childhood victim of sexual abuse and never really got closure from it. Her daughter would watch her as she would get so upset about it and cry to others on the phone about it yet never explained to her daughter what she was going through. However she never realized that her child was watching and soon discovered that this was a "trigger" point for her mother in her life.

So one day the little girl got into trouble at school and knew that her mother would punish her and in an effort to save the anger of her mother she told her mother that the teacher "touched" her inappropriately.

Well you can only imagine what happened next...not only did she stir up those conflicting emotions in her mother but her plot to flip the anger worked. Later it was discovered that the little girl had lied on her teacher and the mother was devastated and wanted to know why did she make up such a story!

Long lesson short...the little girl had watch her mother basically become unglued when it came to her talking about her childhood sexual abuse...and the child knew that this would throw her into a "frenzy" if she said that someone committed this barbaric act to her.

I later shared with the mother that children learn the majority of things from home and their parents and we have to be careful not only what we say but what we do around our children. We are a silent video and they are the audience. They take in and absorb everything we say or do...whether negative or positive.
Furthermore if you are suffering from things such as the trauma that childhood sexual abuse brings then we should seek some sort of counseling or help and talk about such things with our children to help or prevent these acts from happening to them.

So next time you curse out your neighbor, light up that cigarette, talk about your friend behind their backs, take something that does not belong to you, or act out uncontrollably when you have been a victim of a past circumstance....remember your children are watching.

Lavinia Masters is the Founder of S.A.V.E. Ministry and is an outspoken speaker and advocate for sexual abuse victims. 

Stop and Smell the Happy

By Susie Kroll

“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

As a professional speaker and advocate for Teen Dating Violence, I spend a lot of time in junior high and high schools. Teen Dating Violence is a weighty subject especially for teens and parents. It can be made even more volatile when parents aren’t the model of a healthy relationship that their children need to see. When I go out to speak to teens and tweens I invariably meet kids who are stunned at one or more aspects of healthy relationships. They seem mystified that it is a partnership. Or that each person is free to have a life outside of their relationship. More shockingly, is the fact that most aren’t surprised and have even experienced one or more aspects of a potentially harmful dating violence relationship; they even seem to be okay or resigned to these behaviors. Some of these behaviors include being accountable at all times to their boyfriends or girlfriends or becoming sexually active. I hear kids say, frequently, “I didn’t have a choice.” This resignation to their situation also leads them to say, “I’m not happy, but what can I do,” and “Isn’t this how it is supposed to be?”

Today’s teens and tweens are constantly in pursuit of the next best thing that they think will make them happy, albeit I am not sure if they know what their happiness is. But then again, do most adults? Though I do know that at that age most seem to choose their happiness based on what their peers want or have mandated as the thing to have. Sadly, it also seems that the happiness teens are seeking is and can only be in the form of a material object.

As an advocate, I seek to have them learn about their own rights, choices, and individuality. As an adult, I now see clearly, what pressures teens and I were under and how differently I would do things if I knew then what I know now. Therein lays the eternal struggle; the inexperience of youth and the wisdom of age. I want every child to learn about healthy relationships. More importantly, I want each and every child to learn healthy independence and individuality. I believe that one cannot be a successful and happy partner unless they are first a successful and happy individual. A teen’s self worth is not defined by the material goods they have, the popularity they seek, or the romantic relationship they are a part of. It comes from learning about one’s self, experiences, beliefs, and values. It comes from what has made us sad, happy, angry, jealous, and joyous. Ultimately, happiness comes from having the ability to choose. A few of those choices could be choosing your job, religion, education, hobbies, hair color, friends, and activities. We need to teach them about the responsibility that comes with choice, the consequences and positive outcomes. It will transition nicely into making healthy choices in all avenues of their lives.

Anyone that is a parent or advocate for children can help foster healthy relationships by first fostering healthy individuals. We can remind our teens and tweens that happiness is something you have to actively seek. That it is more than the newest gadget, fashion, or phone. Happiness is also taking the time to value what you have already. We need to show teens and tweens that they have choices, opinions, and goals that have merit and value. We need to show them that while on the path to seeking their happiness they must also remember that some of the joy in attaining happiness is also in the journey.

My Anniversary of the Plunge into Pathology

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

The month of May, at least in my mind, marks the fairly 'official' date that I was thrust into the field of pathology- May 13, 1983.  I was thrust forward--totally without consent, without warning and without return to the normal life I knew before that day. 28 years ago, my father bled out in a grungy gutter in Cincinnati. A psychopath plunged a knife into his aorta outside my father's jazz club. I was initiated into a victim-hood that would turn my life and career toward a direction I hadn't much interest in on May 12, 1983.

Much like pathology in anyone else's life, you don't get to pick how it plays out. The best you can do is to learn how to ride the rollercoaster that goes along with the serious group of disorders in pathology. And so I did.

28 years later I still feel like I am just skimming the surface of what can and should be done in education, awareness, survivor services, and advocacy. Thousands of pages later of writings (books, newsletters, websites, workbooks, e-books, quizzes), hours and hours of lectures ad nauseum, over a thousand hours in broadcasts (radio and TV), stacks of CDs and DVDs created-and still we are in the infancy of a new understanding about pathology--the virtual edge of just starting what one day will be a momentum marker that shows "when" the world turned a corner in a better and very public understanding of pathology.

We're not there yet, but the day IS coming. Every new blog that goes up, every newsletter, every website, every talk, every social networking post, every private moment of your knowledge shared with another victim, every coaching session, every class taught, every therapy hour, every group gathering, every prayer muttered, every radio show aired, every celebrity living it and bringing notice, every TV show about it, every newspaper or women's magazine article taunting it, is another message to another ear that has heard the message. You learned it because someone cared enough to make sure you learned it.

Every May 13 for the past 28 years I have halted my life to remember that life-altering second.  In that second, my life shifted forever from ordinary person to homicide survivor. My reality was ripped through by pathology-a disorder with no conscience.  Altering history is just another day in the life of a pathological.  While my story of pathology includes a brutal ending, yours no doubt includes a similar element--all the things we lost in the moment of deep betrayal.  This betrayal is the kind of betrayal only pathology can bring.

(If I don't brighten this article, I'll get complaints about 'too much reality' or 'too much negativity') So, I will say this--while none of us 'choose' to become survivors at the hands of very disordered pathologicals, what we 'do' with what we were dealt is up to us. Periodically I like to send a message to you that encourages you to 'pass it forward.' Whatever you have learned from reading our magazine, our newsletters, or our books is probably more than the woman sitting next to you knows. You don't need to wait until you understand pathology more, take a class, get a degree, read one more of our books, take our training. That doesn't help the woman you sit next to at work. The knowledge in your head is lifesaving to her. Next year--'when you get better trained'--isn't the year to share what you know. Today is!

If we want to move forward with changing pathology education in the world, we have to open our mouths and share what we know. Every pathological hopes you DON'T share what you know-they hope you keep your knowledge to yourself. Shared knowledge helps peel away the pathological's mask, so women can see the true nature of the person behind it. So many women with so many tears have said "If I had only known...

·         I would have left earlier

·         I wouldn't have left my children with him

·         I wouldn't have _______."

Every May I renew my commitment to what changed me. Every May I bother people with my message and prod them and push them to make victims' rights and survivor education important in the world. If I don't, the image of my Dad laying in that gutter haunts me. His death should never have been for nothing--and as long as people have been helped, it hasn't. Frankie Brown has touched so many lives with his death through the message of psychopathy. You're one of them! Help me celebrate the anniversary of my Father's death in a way that brings meaning and hope to many. Tomorrow, share what you know with just ONE person--someone that you have felt in your gut needs to know about the permanence and the pain of pathological relationships. Then email me and say "I passed it forward" so I can count up how many people celebrated Frankie! If this article offends you, I'm sorry. Pathology offended my entire life.

Thank you for growing in the knowledge of pathology so you are prepared for the day when you can share with someone the life changing information that you've come to know!

When Others Hurt

by Anne Peterson

Look around. Hurting people are everywhere. In the last couple of weeks I have had some medical tests done, finding myself in and around the hospital. When I see others there, I wonder what their stories are, what they’re going through. Years ago when I lost my mother I remember the impact it had on our family. My whole life changed in a matter of days. I was just 16 at the time and I remember feeling so alone. I am convinced we don’t know what others are going through. We make judgments based on what we see, but we really don’t know their stories.

This week I read a devotion by Lysa TerKeurst, noted speaker and writer with Proverbs 31 Ministry. She told the story of a speaking engagement she had last year in Pensacola. At the conclusion of the conference she was immediately summoned to speak to someone in crisis.

“There has been an horrific tragedy, the speaker was told. Would you please come at once.”

A grandmother attending the conference had just received word that her two grandchildren had been killed in a house fire. This poor grandmother had just spent the prior week with those precious grandchildren and she eventually put them on a plane home. The children did not want to leave her and were crying. Upon returning home their mother’s boyfriend was high on drugs and deliberately set fire to the house, with the children inside.

This woman’s whole life changed in a matter of moments. What could the speaker possibly say to this grandmother in shock. How could she help her as she stood consumed in this sea of grief? Lysa approached her not knowing what she would share at all.

Still, she made her way over to her. When she finally got to her side all Lysa did was quietly mention the name “Jesus,” over and over. Soon the grandmother started repeated it, the police officer repeated it, as well as the paramedics who had come to the aid of this distraught woman. Over and over people within earshot started saying “Jesus.” And though that was the only thing said, a peace started permeating the room and this poor woman started to relax.

One year later when Lysa returned for another speaking engagement she stood with this grandmother once again, hand in hand remembering the events of the previous year. The speaker noticed a peace in this poor woman who had lost something so valuable in a senseless act of violence. They simply stood in silence remembering the event, but also the peace they shared because of turning to God.

Sometimes when someone is in the throes of grief we can be there with them, just sharing in their pain. We needn’t wait till we know what we can say. There are no magic words to take away such deep abiding pain. And yet, our presence speaks volumes to those who are hurting.

Sometimes in our grief others step back. It isn’t that they don’t care, though at the time that is how it feels. Some simply are afraid, lacking experience. Some feel that if they bring up the loved one their friend or family member will hurt. The truth is, they are already hurting.

A friend of mine lost her baby years ago and shared what hurt the worst was not what people said, but those who chose to say nothing. To her, it felt like they were denying the very existence of her child. It made her loss more difficult, and it felt like her loved one was unimportant.

We are human beings and we make mistakes. But, it is still better to make an attempt to console someone than to step back.

Through Hospice, I read a great article about grief and how it helps to get in the bucket with those who grieve, to just be there. Often when someone is hurting they are in their pain and we bring over our own buckets, trying to pour what we have into theirs. The problem is their buckets are already full. What they really need, the article explained, is for us to get in their bucket with them.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we don’t understand the particular thing someone is going through we can still be there for them, we can share their feelings.

The truth is even if we have gone through something similar to those who are hurting, we don’t know how they feel. We are all different, and we process things differently. In fact, it is helpful if when we are with a hurting person that we don’t say, “I know how you feel.”

Ogle County Hospice printed a story about a young boy who asked his father if he could go across the street to visit their elderly neighbor who was sitting on his porch. This old gentleman had just lost his beloved wife of many years, and the family had talked about how tough it must be for him.

The little boy carefully crossed the street to the neighbor’s house and then climbed on the old man’s lap. The father watched quietly, wondering what kind of conversation the two of them might be having. Soon the young boy came back home and he and his father went inside their own house. As they did, the father asked, “What did you talk about son,?”

“Nothing,” was his reply."

“But, I saw you sitting on the neighbor’s lap, what were you saying?”

The son replied, “I didn’t say anything, Daddy, I just helped him cry.”

A counselor once shared with me his reaction to a doctor’s treatment of a terminal patient. The doctor briefly told the woman in a matter of moments that there was nothing left they could do for her. When asked about his lack of sensitivity, he merely, replied,” That’s not my job.”

Maybe as a doctor he felt that his obligation was met delivering the woman’s prognosis, but as a human being, he failed her. Five minutes spent being with her might have assuaged some of her impending fears. Those few minutes would have given her the message that she mattered.

It’s interesting to me how we are wired as human beings. Personally, I have experienced many losses in my life. It’s something that became familiar at even a young age. Consequently, I am not uncomfortable when someone receives bad news. I don’t feel like backing away, but instead, I am somehow drawn to the person, perhaps remembering how difficult it is at that moment. How the world seems to go on unaware that your whole world has just stopped. Maybe for that moment I can be someone that makes a difference. Maybe I can help in some way.

It’s good to know that God cares about us, that he has numbered the very hairs on our heads. Those are truths we can hold onto. But sometimes, in the midst of our pain, we need to know someone will be there with us, someone who will help us cry or just get in our bucket with us. It can make all the difference in the world.