California Earthquake Effect---- Que Sera Sera (And the Life of an Advocate)

By Donna R. Gore, M.A.

Resiliency, a positive attitude, the end of complacency and apathy… empathy and compassion… these are in the toolbox of every Advocate.

Being an advocate for whatever great caus(es) you may choose can be like being in the middle of a natural disaster…at the human level, if you do not have mutual cooperation and motivation.    Whether it is crime victim issues, human rights, the environment, educational issues… you name it!  If you do the job correctly, there is change, and a result you may not have anticipated.

What drives us to the call to sacrifice time, food, sleep, creature comforts and social time, can be a passion for some.

The “human disaster” of another energizes us to action, urging us on to “right a wrong” for the benefit of others. Truth is, by the time we find our true advocacy role, it is often too late for ourselves.

Why not rest on our laurels and be proud that we have survived our own personal tsunami and come out the other side okay… in time?  Why not bask in our past accomplishments and just sit back and enjoy?   We are driven to do for others…

And we indeed have assisted others in the many natural disasters that have occurred in the past few years around the world. Good people have endured tsunamis, floods, famine, fires, industrial explosions, terrorism, snowstorms of epic proportions and yes, earthquakes.  

This blogger asks, how do people prepare for a real natural disaster that they know may arrive?  I have always admired those who do… such as those resilient laid back Californians “on the virtual verge” of an earthquake that could arrive at any time with little notice. They have it down to a science.  What are a few rumblings and broken dishes?  They know what to do and where to take cover.

(*** Consider that this is the first “Easter anniversary” of one of the most devastating earthquakes in the Imperial Valley area of California in 2010 on the Mexican border where some of my amigos and amigas reside...).  They have partially recovered and would do better, but for a devastating economy as well.   They pick up the pieces, do their best work and start again… Que Sera, Sera.   We advocates do the best work we can one person at a time, and then move on to the next person, problem or crisis.

There is no better example of the California attitude sung by MAMA CASS in this “funky and coolish” song called “California Earthquake”.  Take 3 minutes and 21 seconds to enjoy her take on their oh so familiar natural disaster.

So….LISTEN UP BLOGGERS!

Donna R. Gore, Homicide Survivor, Victim's Rights Advocate, aka "Lady Justice"
http://donnagore.wordpress.com




 

The Silent Conspirator – When Subtle, Negative Thoughts Subconsciously Sabotage Your World.

Photo by alchemist’s daughter


By Pamela Chapman

Have you asked over and over again, “Why is it that I have done all the work and prepared everything in excellence (presentations, web sites, business cards), made contacts, taken marketing and sales courses, etc, etc., but nothing seems to be happening? Come on. Honestly. Is that dream, that desire you want so very badly delayed to the point you want to give it up?

It happens to many of us. We pray, mediate, create a vision board every three to six months but nothing manifests—nothing but what appears to be more bad news. There can be a few reasons for this. I’m going to mention a few but I want to give an in-depth explanation to only one today.

The Law of Substitution – You desire something to happen but that something is not yours. For example, you’re in a relationship and he or she doesn’t seem interested in taking the relationship to the next level. You’ve been dating a while, have a great time together but that’s as far as it goes. You will even ask someone to pray, agree, or set intention with you to no avail. Reason: He or she is not for you. The delay is allowing you to find the strength and the courage to break the relationship, in love and light, allowing the real love of your life to come in.

A Universal Demand Has Been Made – You desire something, it is in your purpose and destiny. You understand and realize this important fact and do all the internal and inspirational work to assist you in getting where you desire. You, therefore, stand in this position possibly asking someone to agree, declare, and set intention with you. Shortly afterward, it appears as if all hell is breaking loose. In actuality, everything is on target, on course and taking you right where you are supposed to be. You just have to persist through the appearance of hell.

And then we have what I call the The Silent Conspirator. You talk about it, you laugh with it at parties; you share it with your best friend. After a while, the Silent Conspirator takes up residence in the deepest depths. It takes on its own personality becoming your best friend, and with time, it becomes the plotter and schemer who hides behind the darkest, secret veil of your mind.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever said things like, “I don’t care if it kills me I’m not going to (fill in the blank)?” What about, “I love him/her/them to death.” Here’s one I bet you’re familiar with, “It, he, she or they make me sick!”

After a while, these little not-so-innocent clichés, repeated like prayer, become laws written upon the stones of your heart and mind. You might be thinking, “Well, I don’t say that kind of stuff often; or even, “I only think that stuff but I’d never, ever say them aloud.” I have news for you, it doesn’t matter. The very fact that you are familiar with these phrases probably means you have said them. And, if you have said them with any real emotion, you have given the statements the power needed to set them into motion.

I’ll share my Silent Conspirator. I was a corporate girl for many, many years—for too many years. I was of the generation it didn’t matter what the girl had her degree in, you were going to work as a teacher, a secretary or a nurse. My degree was in programming. After graduating, I proudly marched into the Human Resources office of a major computer technology company, no longer heard of these days. I filled out my application and they asked when I would like to schedule my typing test. I gave them a date without hesitation. I had myself and, more importantly, a small child to feed. I worked hard, in excellence and showed up every day until I landed a position at the top.

With that topness, a made-up word of course, I came to realize with the position came a new perspective. I became disillusioned, disappointed and disgruntled. My deepest desire was to get out. I quickly pursued a position with a Christian nonprofit only to find it was the same. The only difference was they did what they did in the name of Christ. So, I drew up the resignation letter once again. I was out.

I knew at that time, the only way I was going to be paid what I was really worth; be somewhat happy with working long and hard; and doing it the right way, I was going to have to start my own business. So, I struck out doing everything by the book. I took classes, I made contacts. Business cards, website and presentations were excellent. At first it worked, but soon everything and I mean everything began to dry up.

I reorganized, re-planned, and reinvented. I had S.M.A.R.T (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely) goals, a great business plan, and a strong marketing plan. I had one of the best business coaches, attended some of the best business conferences with the best financial gurus in the nation. I even had strong support. I couldn’t understand what had gone awry.

That was until one day when I threw up my wearied two hands and said, “I give up! I let go!” Now, how many times had I said that in the past and then picked up every single piece all over again. But, this time I had to truly let go. I had attempted to force, control, and hold on so tightly that every single resource was fighting back and drying up. At that point in time, I had a choice—freak out or trust.

I chose to trust.  And with that, the first thing I had to do was go inward and learn to love and trust me all over again. I had to realize that the power was inward and not outward and no one else’s responsibility but mine. I had to learn that I was at the end of the road and there was no other teacher but the teacher in me. I let go and promised that I was going to live the ultimate purpose— ENJOY life. 

Two weeks later, I awakened with an epiphany. That’s right I had a shift in my sleep. Once I announced to the Universe, whom I call God, that I was letting go and re-learned how to trust myself and the God in me, it was only a few days, with ease, that I Awakened. What was causing my delay, my stuckness was brought right into the forefront of my consciousness. No more little “demon” hiding, lurking, or sabotaging.

Here is exactly what I realized in that Awakening moment. I had spoken these destructive words far too many times. “I will never go back to corporate. I don’t care if I lose everything, I’m never going back. I’ll live on the streets before I do.”

Not only had I thought or spoken those words but I had spoken them with such conviction and emotion I had co-created law and destiny for my life. It didn’t matter what I did—I had become. So after my epiphany, I immediately asked the Divine within what affirmation could I create to repent—to turn around, to help eradicate what I had set in motion with fury.

Instantly, I heard in my heart that which would reverse my calamitous fate. “I keep all that I have and I receive all that I desire while my business blossoms, blooms and thrives.” I made a commitment to speak out loud, declaring my divine intention, at least, three times a day for one month. Shortly afterward, the Universe sent me a powerful teacher to remind me that God is a God of peace. Yes, He is many things but at the moment I needed the “I AM” of peace.

Going forward, I made the strong intention of not being rocked and rolled by what I saw or what I heard. My eyes were on the prize and I was pressing toward the goal. Did that mean creating longer To-Do lists, working longer hours or brain storming with my great support system? Not at all! It meant reaching out to others: encouraging, motivating; it meant being happy for and with them while creating powerful intentions on their behalf, as well as mine. And, when my heart heard write, I wrote. When it heard call, I called. And, when I heard sit in silence and take in the awesome beauty surrounding me in the Heavenly Rockies, I did just that—I sat in awe and listened.

From that moment on, I realized I didn’t have to make anything happen. All I had to do was BE and receive what Divine had already created for me. Once the Silent Conspirator had been snuffed out and exposed, I knew without a doubt— firmly and on a solid foundation that I had come to the end of life as I had known. The old chapter of life was closing. I was embarking upon the new. A life filled with the unfolding of every dream come true and where the desires of my heart were no longer a craving or a wish but a fulfilled reality that was orchestrated and designed before time.

Domestic Violence and Immigration

By Lyn Twyman

I was 5 years old when I heard one of my parents frequent arguments end with a loud smacking sound.  I had just walked in the front door after the school bus had dropped me off in front of my house from a day at kindergarten to the loud yelling and arguing of my parents, unfortunately something I had grown accustomed to.  If you can imagine my father was well over 6 feet with a loud bellowing voice, my mother just under 5 feet.  With frustration and anger my father struck my mother, leaving a bright red hand mark on the left side of her fair, Asian face.  This was the first time I saw the expression of resentment and hate in my mother’s face for everything that led to that point.  That act of violence shattered the facade that my parents had built up to try to hide the truth from me, that their marriage was a sham and in no way functional.  There were deeply rooted problems within their relationship and after that moment my eyes were wide open to them.  Later I would realize there were great amounts of psychological and emotional abuse in my parent’s relationship that would be directed solely towards me.

My father was an American born in the south, a victim of abuse and neglect by an alcoholic father who was void of most emotion, except anger and depression spurred by the bottle.  My mother, the eldest of her siblings, grew up in third-world poverty with an extremely controlling mother.  In 1977, my mother started receiving pen pal letters from my father.  She became enamored with the idea of a man she had never met before, a man who promised to take care of her and give her a better life, more than what she could have ever imagined.  About a year later when my mother was 23, she immigrated to the United States.

The man who wrote such beautiful words on paper was not reflective of the man my mother met when she came to the U.S. and in less than a month, the fairy tale was over. The stark realities of the deception, lack of respect and obsession over my mother’s every movement was too much to endure. My mother however, was fearful to leave my father with the domestic violence taking place.  My father, a man ridden with personality disorders, would admit years later that his choice to marry my mother was due to the amount of “submissiveness” women like her had for their husbands and the ability to “teach” them and make them become what he wanted.

Unfortunately the story of my parents is not unique. It bears many similarities to the stories of many immigrants who find themselves in relationships where domestic violence is present.  One thing that remains consistent however, as with many instances of domestic violence, is there is one person that seeks to have control over the other who is thought to be weaker.

Women and men have shared with me their personal experiences, and those of other immigrants who were involved in domestic violence relationships that they knew.  I began hearing similarities in the stories:

• Victims had little interaction with people other than their partner or lived in complete isolation.
• Victims were eventually embarrassed by their partner regarding their own language and culture.
• Communication decreased over time with their families in their homeland.
• Finances were controlled by the abusive partner.
• The partner threatened to have them deported or have their children taken away from them if they showed signs of fighting back or escaping.

So many of these stories also began sounding familiar as I realized my mother had faced the same problems with my own father.

Help for Immigrants

Immigrants who are dealing with domestic violence face many challenges unlike those around them because of language and culture barriers.  Whether waiting for citizenship or seeking refugee status, immigrant victims of domestic violence do have rights and can get help to protect themselves from abuse.  There are organizations like American Immigration Lawyers Association, The National Immigration Project, The Tahirih Justice Center,  WomensLaw.org and specialty organizations like The Asian Pacific American Legal Resource Center,  that help with direct services or referrals at little or no cost.   It is important that immigrant victims get trained advocates to support and assist them in the proper steps to make themselves and their children safer, whether the abuse is physical or not.  Another good online resource is the following link:  http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/immigration.shtml that talks more in depth about the issue and addresses aspects of the immigration process.  Also the spouses and children of U.S. citizens can self-petition to obtain lawful permanent residency under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA).  VAWA also allows certain battered immigrants to seek safety and independence from the abuser by filing for immigration relief without the abuser’s assistance or knowledge. 

Domestic violence is wrong, period.  A person’s nationality does not exclude them from the physical and emotional pain that is inflicted from domestic violence.  The best thing we can do as advocates is to remember the warning signs of abuse, stay informed about the issue,  spread awareness and encourage our Federal immigration system to strengthen laws and distribute violence and abuse awareness materials, making them available in multiple languages to each person that comes to their offices and websites.

I am encouraged about the amount of work that has been done with this issue compared to my mother’s time as an immigrant but there is still much work to be done in raising awareness about the problem.  If you see someone who displays signs of being a victim, offer them in confidence the resources they can go to for help.  You will be surprised how far a bit of information and slice of humanity can go to help save a life and lead someone to new found freedom, hope and truly a much better life.

Influences

By Susie Kroll

Today I watched an episode of the new 90210.  I was struck by part of the storyline.  There is a nerdy smart kid that likes one of the popular, rich, and self-absorbed main characters.  She is thin, pretty, popular, failing math, and could have her choice of guys.  She has found herself attracted to the nerd.  This nerd is short, wears glasses, is excellent at math, and loves science fiction.  In prior episodes they even make reference to the fact that her reputation would be ruined if her friends knew she liked a nerd.  So they agree to save both their reputations and keep their hooking up a secret.

She makes all kinds of assumptions about the nerd.  One is that he is inexperienced in bed.  Clearly, she believes that she is going to educate him about sex.  After their first intimate act, she basically said to the nerd, “Wow, you were great.”  Furthermore, she questions how a virgin could perform so well for the first time.  The nerdy kid then tells her that he is not a virgin.  She was shocked and asks how many times before her.  He replies, less than the square root of 64.  He says, “7.”  She is shocked and so was I. For me it wasn’t because he was a nerd.  It was because both of these characters are supposed to be seniors in high school-so they are probably supposed to be 17.  It is worth noting that while all of this was happening, these kids had chartered a private jet and flown to Cabo for their Spring Break.  It goes without saying that alcohol was readily available.  Additionally, the nerd finds out that his new flame is failing math and refused to have sex with her again until the studies and correctly answers all his math questions.

So why am I blogging about this?  If you remember from one of my prior blogs, the statistic from a Kaiser Family Foundation that stated:  76% of teens said that one reason young people have sex is because TV shows and movies make it seem normal for teens. 

Let us take this a bit further, so now we have moved from teens losing their virginity before they graduate from high school so approaching double-digit sex partners.  And the one approaching the double-digits is a math nerd.  If teens are emulating what they see on TV because it is portrayed to be normal then here are a few assumptions to consider.

1. If real teens don’t want to be considered nerds then do they need to strive for more than 7 sex partners before they graduate?
2. Does that mean that the popular girl has had more partners than the nerd?
3. Why does the show portray the only reason for her sudden motivation to pass math is so she can have sex with the nerd again? (Getting into CU is second on that list.)
4. Do all popular girls only respond to sexual motivation?
5. Why are the stereotypes of nerds vs. popular and over-sexed pretty girls reinforced?
6. How many of our tweens and teens are seeing this and thinking this is the norm and that’s what they should be doing because they lack the necessary guidance to make educated choices?

My list of questions could go on and on.  So what do we do?  What do you think?  Are you scared?  I am.

Eternally Yours - Angel Downs Murder Case

Today is the sentencing date for Stephen Nodine of the Federal Gun Charge.

But the Angel Downs murder case story continues .....

The lone UNSUB is the "you know who I am, The Hammer," (impeached) Mobile County Commissioner Stephen Nodine.

The murder victim is the beautiful blond Angel Downs, swept off her feet by the "lies for a living" politician Stephen Nodine, Angel finds the results more than tragic - ending with a shot through her head on Mother's Day 2010.

I wonder why a man of his talents is always on the dole? But after a closer look at his rap sheet it helped to explain. He is no boy scout.

Nodine Criminal History:

1979- Arrested for larceny from yard.
1985- Arrested for exposure of sexual organs.
1987- Breaks into a former girlfriend’s home and attacks her when she returns.
1988-Judgement for eviction.
1992- Strikes and kills a woman with a vehicle.
1997- Arrested for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.
2010- Charged with possession of illegal drugs. Charged with shooting murder of Angel Downs. Grand Jury impeachment. Pleads guilty to federal gun charge.

Angel quickly found the most difficult trick in the world is to get rid of an abusive man. His death-defying stunts gave her nightmares. She found herself living at the edge of life - with out-stretched arms . . . but was found shot dead before she could reach it.

You see Angel had enough of Nodine's lies, drugs, abuse and had ended the relationship. She knew his vanity and his secrets. No woman likes a fake and everything about Nodine is fake. She feared if the curtain came down he would make a grand exit... and he did, allegedly with a bang!

Nodine has moved to Villas on the Bay, 25957 Canal Rd., Unit #301, Orange Beach, AL. He sporting an ankle bracelet, considered a flight risk, he now has a quick getaway - complete with a boat slip. Read conditions of Nodine's Release Order

DA Dixon says "I don't like that the bar across the street is where a lot of the witnesses hang out. I don't like any of it. If I could stop it, I would."

Just in time for Spring Break. We all know what gets his motor going. Warning Landshark on the loose. He's also stepped up his personal appearances on TV. Then he can still use the pick up line "Don't you know who I am," to any unaware intoxicated young ladies.

At the 1st trial just before Christmas ended quickly in a hung jury a 9-3 split. Jurors referred to Nodine as "scum", the 9 who voted guilty were disappointed in the 2 who wouldn't budge. One was overheard during selection announce she would never convict. This juror had shot her boyfriends finger off. I can't help but wonder why was she even allowed on the jury?

The jurors — 9 women and 3 men — convicted Nodine of an ethics charge involving misuse of his government-issued pickup truck. “There was plenty of evidence,” juror Barton said, “plenty of overwhelming evidence. Justice was not served.”

So we wait in anticipation as Nodine has been declared impoverished and supplied with a new attorney and $38,000 - $3,000 for audio/visual. Even though the new DA Hallie Dixon hasn't yet decided if she'll retry the case.

He has a new benefactor supplying him with room and board, all utilities included. Nodine has kept himself busy, up to his old tricks, calling the media and showing loving photos of he and Angel in happier times.

Someone using the name Stephen Nodine recently began twittering stating he was going to the beach for church activities. Tweets included rude remarks and the account was suspended shortly there after. "I always find it interesting his followers don't seem to be as faith motivated as he claims to be."

He repeatedly says he wasn't there when Angel was shot. Despite the many witnesses seeing him before and after the shooting, fleeing the scene. The burning question why he didn't call to inquire about the love of his life after learning the news. He has no answer to that.

The ethics are so elusive.

The DA and Defense have agreed to send the Blackberry to the FBI. Read Order relating to Down's Blackberry.

What of Angel's family? They are solid as a rock. Fighting back by reminding the public, "Angel is the victim, NOT Nodine. This is one of the first times the family has spoken up in defense of their beloved family Angel, not wanting to harm the case.

Kevin Lee, Lagniappe article Victim's family: 'Nodine lies for a living' brings us all up to date, and includes candid touching moments of a loving family who is searching for justice and still mourning Angel's loss.

Thelma and family - God gave you Angel forever she is and always will be Eternally Yours.

Nodine is under federal home detention and is scheduled to be sentenced on a gun charge in federal court April 25. Gordon Armstrong, Nodine’s court appointed attorney in his federal case. The U.S. Probation Office here has determined that Nodine faces at least 10 months in prison under advisory sentencing guidelines. U.S. District Judge Ginny Granade has discretion to sentence Nodine to advised sentence, probation or a split sentence involving home confinement or time in a halfway house. Armstrong suggested that he will seek straight probation.

*My comments are only my opinion, not fact. It is my commentary on the topic, and I'm exercising my 1st Amendment rights as a US citizen. Comments are NOT made with any malicious intent.

References

1. Judge sets down orders, by FOX10, by Chasity Byrd
2. Angel Downs' family speaks to FOX10, by Chasity Byrd
3. Angel Downs' family fires back at Stephen Nodine in murder case, By Kim Lanier, Press-Register
4. Support Justice for Angel Downs on Facebook

When Life Doesn't Make Sense

By Neil Schori

Sometimes life makes no sense at all. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been told things that have rocked my world as I once knew it. These things will have life-long implications for me and how I’ve viewed my existence. I also witnessed a terrible motorcycle accident that placed a man in the ICU. It is in times like these that I want to withdraw and throw away everything that I thought I knew about God and his plans and his providence.

I mean, couldn’t God just step in and STOP bad things from happening?! And when he doesn’t, what does that mean? Am I being punished for something? Is it divine retribution? Or is God not even there? Or even worse…does he just not care? All of these are real questions for those “dark nights of the soul,” aren’t they? Maybe you feel like that today, and you need some direction and truth. I know that I do!

Have you ever read the story of Lazarus? Lazarus was a man in Bible times, and he was known to be a personal friend of Jesus. Well, Lazarus got really sick, and his sisters sent a message to Jesus about it. They knew that if Jesus heard about it, he could make Lazarus well. After all, they’d seen him do this so many times. The blind could see and the paralyzed could walk again. Surely Lazarus would get the same care, right?

The Bible tells us that Jesus stayed where he was for TWO MORE DAYS after getting word of how sick Lazarus was. As a matter of fact, Lazarus died before Jesus even made it into town. That makes no sense to me! I mean, what could be more important than helping someone? I wouldn’t be a pastor for too long at my church if I treated people like that, would I? If this is what it means to be a friend of Jesus’, then I’ll pass on it!

In the Gospel of John 11: 14-15, we hear what Jesus had to say to his followers after he revealed to them that Lazarus had died~

. 14 … “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

At this point, I’m thinking not only was Jesus LATE to heal Lazarus, but then Lazarus died, and Jesus had the guts to say that he was actually glad that he wasn’t there?! That really throws my understanding of God for a complete loop. But then I read the next part of the story and I start to see a little more clearly.

Jesus said that he was glad he wasn’t there to heal Lazarus, not because he didn’t care for Lazarus or because he had other things to do. He told his followers that he was glad that he wasn’t there so that they would believe. But Lazarus is dead? What can Jesus do now? It was already too late, right?

Jesus was so late to heal Lazarus that we find out Lazarus had been buried for 4 days by the time Jesus made his way into town. John 11: 41-44 says~

41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Some of you today can’t make any sense of your lives. It seems like God has forgotten you and you don’t see any silver lining on the horizon. I want to assure you that God has not forgotten you. The story of Lazarus made no sense, either, but God was at work. And he was doing more than just healing. He was breathing life into something that was already dead. Allow that to bring you tremendous hope because in just the same way, he’s working in your lives, too.

Easter is just around the corner and my prayer for all of you is this: that you would trust God to work his resurrection power into your lives. He has not forgotten you. Just believe.

Peace,

Neil

The Forgotten Children: Trafficking in Haiti

By Gaetane Borders

January 12, 2010 is a day that I will not soon forget. It was the day that a massive earthquake leveled Haiti….my parents’ birth home. Although I was born in the U.S., I strongly identify with my Haitian roots, and felt as if a large part of me died along with the over 150,000 people who lost their lives during the natural disaster. What saddened me the most was seeing the images of the bodies of children and babies lined along the street. In fact, I didn’t think it could get worse. But it has.

Many of the orphanages were damaged, and therefore tens of thousands of children are currently living in the temporary camps. In addition, reportedly more than a million people were displaced by last January's devastating quake and are living in dire conditions. These horrible conditions have become a breading ground for trafficking in the small island.

It has been reported that trafficking has always been an issue in Haiti but has grown steadily worse in the last year. Since the earthquake the rates of trafficking into the Dominican Republic have increased incredibly. According to an investigative report by the Miami Herald, the Massacre River is a common crossing point for traffickers. It’s a river that links Haitian town of Ouanaminthe with the Dominican Republic’s Dajabon. There are individuals who are going to the temporary camps and posing those that have come as part of the aid efforts. According to news reports, parents desperate for money are falsely dooped into believing their children will lead better lives elsewhere if they sell them.

Prosguel Andre, 32, an admitted trafficker of the Haitian Cannibal Army gang, has admitted to selling more than 45 children. He has said….

"There are a lot of orphans here. Babies with nobody to care for them. It's easy to take them. Last month, a white woman came from the Dominican Republic. She gave me $500 for two little girls. I don't know what she wanted with them."

What is happening in Haiti is not unique because human trafficking usually increases after natural disasters. For example, the massive tsunami that struck Asia left thousands of children were left vulnerable to similar crimes.

There are organizations that are doing a lot to help bring an end to this disturbing issue. For instance, Unicef is working with the Haitian government to try and introduce anti-trafficking laws. As part of this, the United Nations police force (UNPOL) recently began patrolling these unofficial borders. Also, Hilton Worldwide has promised to combat child sex trafficking by becoming the second US-based hotel company to sign the international code of conduct known as "The Code" which is aimed at protecting children from being sexually exploited in the travel and tourism industries around the world. Hilton will implement policies that condemn child trafficking and also train employees how to spot potentially illegal activities. USA Today reports:

“Last year, Hilton came under fire by online social-justice groups such as Change.org on this issue following the discovery last year of a brothel in one of its hotels in China. In July 2010, Chinese police found a brothel operating in the independently run karaoke bar inside Hilton's five-star Chongqing hotel. At the time, authorities ordered the closure of the hotel for a full week and the hotel lost its fifth star. Although the issue of child trafficking did not come up, the connection was nevertheless made.”

More people and organizations need to get involved because this is an issue that affects every nation! One such organization is ECPAT International (End Child Prostitution, Child Pornography and Trafficking). ECPAT and The Body Shop have formed a partnership to create and implement the global “STOP Sex Trafficking of Children & Young People Campaign.” For more information about them and this campaign, please visit www.ecpat.net.

The Pretend World of Custody Courts

By Barry Goldstein

The Office of Violence Against Women (OVW) is the part of the US Justice Department that provides grants for programs designed to reduce and prevent domestic violence. They recently sponsored a forum for their staff and other professionals in various parts of the government to learn about the crisis in the custody court system. They heard from seven protective mothers, one very inspiring Courageous Kid and over a dozen of the leading experts in the country. It was a wonderful discussion based upon current scientific research and actual experiences and everyone seems to get it that the courts are routinely making catastrophic mistakes in failing to protect children and domestic violence survivors. The purpose of the forum was to consider the problem, causes and solutions. It was so wonderful to take part in a reality based discussion about domestic violence custody issues and to do so with people who may have the ability to promote the needed changes. And yet the next day if any of us walked into a custody court, the research and the reality that were an unquestioned part of the discussion at OVW would be missing in the pretend world that is the present custody court system.

Similarly, in December, I had the privilege of participating in a review of grant proposals concerning gender, violence and health. The Canadian Institute of Health brought leading experts in the field together to consider which grant proposals would be most beneficial to fund. This was a high level discussion in which all of the participants were familiar with current scientific research so that we could have a reality based discussion. I found it particularly interesting that the Canadian government could attract knowledgeable experts for $200 a day at the same time the courts pay or require litigants to pay thousands of dollars for a few hours to “experts” completely unfamiliar with up-to-date research who instead provide opinions based on their personal belief system and prejudices.

Our custody courts are a very insular system in which information and ideas that contradict the misinformation routinely relied on by court professionals are unwelcome. Custody courts started relying on mental health professionals at a time when no research about domestic violence was available and many people assumed domestic violence was caused by mental illness, substances abuse and the behavior of the victims. We now know the original assumptions are wrong and mental health professionals rarely have much expertise in domestic violence or child sexual abuse. Nevertheless the courts are so used to relying on professionals with inadequate training that they routinely refuse to hear genuine experts or treat their testimony with tremendous skepticism. Experts, government agencies and academicians relied on to make major decisions in the real world are treated with disrespect by the court system. Repeatedly I have heard judges suggest that when the (inadequately trained) GAL, evaluator and child protective caseworker all agree, it is unreasonable to consider any other view.

Abusers often impose a pretend world on their victims by denying and minimizing their abuse. They often blame their partners by claiming her behavior forced him to abuse her. It is often unsafe for the woman to challenge this pretend existence. Genuine experts agree that dealing with reality is an important part of the healing process after survivors leave their abusers. This makes the common court practice of cooperating with abusers to focus on pretend issues so harmful to battered mothers and their children.

Many years ago I tried to help a teenage girl whose father was sexually abusing her. She finally found a therapist she could trust and the courage to share her secret. He called the child protective agency, but their response was to remove the girl from her home so the father’s life would not be disrupted. They put her in a home for girls that included those there for criminal behavior. While at this home, she was assaulted and robbed. The caseworker refused to permit her to continue working with her therapist just when she needed him most and pressured her to recant her allegations. The caseworker threatened to send her to an even worse facility and she was also concerned about the trouble her father would face. When she recanted her allegations she was sent back to her home and forced to engage in therapy based upon the false assumption her allegations of abuse were wrong. At a time when she needed therapy in response to years of abuse, she was forced to engage in therapy to determine why she made false allegations.

More recently, I worked on a New Jersey case in which a young child reported to her mother that her father and his mother had touched her in the vicinity of her privates. She did not know the words to be more precise. The father immediately denied the allegations and claimed the mother was making deliberate false allegations. The unqualified professionals focused only on whether the child was molested or the mother made false allegations and when they could not find enough evidence of abuse after a flawed investigation assumed the allegations were false. They brought charges against the mother and eventually gave the abusive father custody and the mother supervised visitation. When the court professionals later learned of the father’s history of domestic violence and hired a qualified expert who used current research to recommend custody be restored to the mother, the court professionals ignored the information that undermined their mistaken finding. The mother was forced into therapy in which she had to prove she no longer believed the true allegations if she wanted unsupervised visitation with her daughter. Having escaped the pretend world imposed by her abuser by leaving him, the mother faced another pretend world imposed by the court.

These kinds of mistakes are common in the broken custody court system. Often they are caused by court professionals who use the bogus Parental Alienation Syndrome (sometimes by other names) to give custody to the abuser and deny normal contact with the protective mother. Some courts impose reunification therapy on the children who are taught that their dislike of their father is not because of his history of abusing them and their mother but because of the lies she has told them. Again at a time when they need therapy to heal from their father’s abuse and the separation from their primary attachment figure, they must instead engage in therapy based on pretend alienation issues. These practices work well for the bank accounts of mental health professionals, but poorly for children.

Most court professionals have been trained to view contested custody cases as “high conflict” by which they mean the parents are angry at each other and act out in ways harmful to their children. Current research, however, establishes that most of these cases are actually domestic violence cases. Fathers with a long history of abuse seek custody as a way to gain access to their victim to pressure her to return or punish her for leaving. Court professionals unwittingly assist these tactics by pressuring the mother to interact and cooperate with her abuser instead of pressuring the father to stop his abuse. The normal fear, emotion and reluctance to cooperate with a man they see as dangerous is used to discredit and punish the mother. Using the “high conflict” lens makes it harder for court professionals to recognize the father’s abuse and to take it seriously.

Few court professionals have been taught about the dynamics of domestic violence or how to recognize it. We regularly see court professionals discredit domestic violence complaints for reasons that are not probative such as when women return to their abuser, withdraw protective orders or don’t have police or medical reports. The women do this for safety and other reasons, but if the professionals treat this kind of information as if it were proof of false allegations, they have no chance to recognize valid complaints. At the same time, these professionals are often only looking at incidents of physical abuse. Accordingly they fail to see the patterns of controlling and coercive behavior. They don’t pay attention to economic control, isolating behaviors, emotional abuse, monitoring their partner’s behavior or information about the abusers’ motivation. Once courts determine through these flawed practices that the domestic violence allegations are false, they generally refuse to consider additional evidence or events that support the allegations and severely retaliate against mothers who continue to believe their allegations. Significantly, when courts do recognize the father’s abuse, they rarely if ever penalize him for continuing to deny his abuse.

The pretend world created by the custody courts is supported by the popular myth that women frequently make false allegations of abuse to gain an advantage in the litigation. A new Department of Justice study led by Dan Saunders of the University of Michigan found that court professionals without adequate training in domestic violence are more likely to believe this myth and in turn make recommendations harmful to children. The myth greatly contributes to the frequent mistaken findings we see in custody courts where valid allegations of domestic violence are disbelieved. Widespread gender bias also contributes to the inaccurate decisions.

Custody courts do their worst job in responding to allegations of sexual abuse of children. Although a majority of allegations made by mothers are accurate, 85% of the cases result in custody for the alleged abuser. Even attorneys with little knowledge of domestic violence and child abuse routinely advise clients not to raise sexual abuse allegations, even with strong cases, because the courts are so reluctant to believe a father could commit such a heinous act. Sexual abuse against young children is particularly hard to prove because it is committed in private for obvious reasons and children often do not have the language to describe what their father did to them. Although many court professionals expect physical proof, most assaults do not leave physical evidence and when they do it may be gone by the time the child works up the courage to reveal the abuse. Older children often recant true allegations because the abuser has threatened to hurt them or their mother or because they don’t want someone they still love to get in trouble. Poor investigation methods by often inadequately trained professionals also impede proof of sexual abuse. When allegations are made by mothers the most likely circumstance is the allegations are true. The next most likely is that the accused did not abuse the child but engaged in boundary violations that made the child uncomfortable. Other common possibilities are that the allegations are false, but made in good faith or that the evidence is equivocal, but court professionals routinely focus on deliberately false allegations even though this is the least likely cause for the allegations. The result of these flawed practices is that courts often deny valid allegations of sexual abuse and conduct the rest of the case based upon the fiction that there is something wrong with the mother for trying to protect her child.

These common mistakes in domestic violence and child abuse cases lead to a pretend world promoted by the abuser and supported by the court in which the case is conducted based on the fiction that the mother’s allegations are false. Any attempt by the mother to provide additional information of the father’s abuse is treated as a lack of cooperation for which she is severely punished. Her only hope to have some minimal time with her children is to prove she no longer believes the true allegations she made. In other words she is back in a pretend world that she hoped to escape by leaving her abuser. Even worse, now he has complete control, supported by the court and she is not even near the children to try to protect them when he acts in a dangerous manner.

In the typical contested custody case the mother is the primary attachment figure for the child and complains about the father’s domestic violence and/or child abuse. The father counters with claims of alienation. The primary attachment figure is the parent or other caregiver who provides most of the child care during the first couple of years of a child’s life. When a child is separated from their primary attachment figure, the child is more likely to suffer depression, low self-esteem and to commit suicide when older. Accordingly it makes no sense to do this unless the primary attachment figure is unsafe such as if they were a drug addict or beat the child. At the same time children who witness domestic violence are more likely to engage in a variety of harmful behaviors when they are older and their normal development is impeded which can cause lifetime of harmful effects. Alienation is a nebulous term which is often alleged in a generalized way. The most likely outcome of false negative statements is that it harms the relationship with the parent making the false statements. There is no research that demonstrates long term harm to children from alienating behaviors. Claims of primary attachment are almost always true as in our still sexist society mothers continue to provide most of the child care particularly in the first years of a child’s life. In many cases the father does not contest the issue or the work schedules of the parents make it clear who was the primary attachment figure. Mothers’ allegations of abuse are rarely deliberately false (in cases of child sexual abuse inaccurate complaints could be made based on the behavior of the child), so the complaints tend to be reliable. Alienation claims by fathers in contested custody cases are often part of a standard abuser tactic to deflect claims of abuse. Research such as the study led by Nicholas Bala establishes that fathers in contested custody cases are sixteen times more likely to make deliberately false complaints. The complaints by mothers are more important to the well being of children and far more likely to be true than father’s complaints and yet in contested custody cases fathers receive custody or joint custody between 70 and 83% of the time. Clearly courts are not making decisions based upon the reality experienced by children or approaches that benefit children.

The worst custody decisions provide custody to the alleged abuser and supervised or no visitation to the safe, protective mother who is the primary attachment figure for the child. These decisions are virtually always wrong because they are based on punishing the mother for believing the father is dangerous and not on concerns for the well being of children. The findings are usually wrong because of the flawed practices, but the outcome would be wrong if the findings were correct because courts rarely weigh the harm they are causing with whatever benefit they seek to create. The harm of denying the child their primary attachment figure is far greater than any benefit the court believes it is providing. Significantly, we rarely see evaluation reports or court decisions that weigh the benefits and harm of a decision they are considering. This is the kind of result we see when courts fail to consider current scientific research in their decisions. Judges may believe the mental health professionals involved in the case provide this expertise, but the professionals relied on by the courts are rarely familiar with current scientific research and courts don’t disqualify or even discredit evaluators and other mental health professionals for being unfamiliar with current research.

Mothers partnered with abusive fathers are in an impossible situation. If they fail to protect their children from the dangerous abusers, they can lose custody for failure to protect. The mothers hear repeated messages that they should leave him, but when they do and try to protect their children, they are punished for interfering with the relationship between the children and the abusive father. The result is too many courtrooms in which courts recreate the pretend world the mother sought to escape.

In fairness to the custody courts, they were forced to develop practices to respond to domestic violence cases at a time when no research was available. Many other entities were slow to understand the best ways to respond to domestic violence. Police officers were trained for many years to separate the parties when called to a home and have the abuser walk around the block to calm down. Eventually they switched to a pro-arrest policy after research demonstrated this practice was ineffective. Domestic violence homicides were reduced as communities moved towards practices designed to hold the abuser accountable. Even domestic violence agencies have not always been as supportive of protective mothers as they deserved, but with the increase in Custody-Visitation Scandal Cases and increase in domestic violence homicides as a result of mothers staying with their abusers because of the dangers created by custody courts, the domestic violence community has made child custody an important priority. It has taken a while for academicians to realize the harm in common custody court practices. Initial research supported shared parenting, but more comprehensive research has demonstrated shared parenting is harmful to children even when there is no domestic violence, but too often it is used in domestic violence cases because court professionals have difficulty in recognizing domestic violence. Current scientific research confirms complaints by protective mothers that the custody courts are mistreating them and harming their children. Government agencies now seem to understand the custody courts are harming children. Their understanding is based upon the research now available. The problem is that child custody issues have historically and constitutionally been left to the states and their courts.

Psychologists and other mental health professionals engaged in research have come to understand the harm of the standard practices in domestic violence custody cases. Most mental health professionals are not involved in the custody court system, but have failed to impose ethical standards on mental health professionals involved in questionable practices in the custody courts. The professional associations have permitted ethically challenged psychologists and other professionals to make recommendations unsupported by current scientific research, engage in biased practices that favor abusers and make diagnoses that are not found in the DSM IV because they don’t exist. Although ethical considerations would require the professionals to consult with experts on subjects in which they don’t have expertise, like domestic violence, the professionals in custody courts routinely fail to consult domestic violence experts, wrongly believing they have this expertise. This has led to frequent mistakes in domestic violence custody cases. These unqualified mental health professionals have played an important role in misleading custody courts and creating an illusion that there is a scientific basis for the mistaken practices commonly used in custody courts.

Judge Sol Gothard often trains other judges because of his expertise in domestic violence and child abuse. He was featured in the PBS documentary BREAKING THE SILENCE: CHILDREN’S STORIES. He wrote that if the courts had commissioned a study on how the present practices are working, they would have found the research contained in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. This research demonstrates that the present practices are working poorly for children. The outdated and discredited practices routinely relied on by custody courts lead to the pretend world of custody courts we have discussed in this article. We must encourage judges and other court professionals to be open to the current scientific research and stop closing their eyes and ears to information that undermines their long-held beliefs and assumptions.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

Jared Hillman: Suicide or Homicide?

Jared Hillman and son Kendall 

By Dennis Griffin

On August 9, 2009, 23-year-old Jared Hillman was found dead of a gunshot wound to his head in the woods behind his father's home in Hickory, Mississippi. A .40-caliber pistol was gripped in the young man's lifeless hand. The authorities quickly determined that Jared had taken his own life. The Army Reservist who had served in Iraq and returned home only three weeks before his death, was chalked up as one of the 309 military suicides reported last year. In addition to any possible depression over his military service, Jared was also in the process of ending a failed marriage. And that could have contributed to his desire to kill himself.

On the flip side, Jared had a powerful reason for wanting to live: Kendall, his two-year-old son from a previous relationship. He had gained temporary custody of the boy in February and was scheduled to be awarded permanent custody during an uncontested hearing the next week. According to family and friends, Jared was eagerly awaiting the court appearance and looking forward to getting on with civilian life. So there was a reason for Jared's family to have been shocked when he died, apparently by his own hand..

There were other causes for skepticism as well. And they had to do with Jared's estranged wife, Amanda. Jared and Amanda were married in May 2008, shortly before he deployed to Iraq. Upon his return home on July 19, 2009, Jared confided to his friends that while he was away Amanda began having an affair with Meridian, Mississippi police officer Derek Thomas. He said he didn't want the marriage to end, but Amanda said she wanted to be with Derek, and in fact left Jared and moved in with Thomas. Jared and Kendall took up residence with Jared's aunt, Kim Busbea.

Busbea, says that after the separation the relationship between Jared and Amanda was stormy, with frequent arguments. And Jared also had multiple confrontations with Derek Thomas, with threats being made on both sides. At one point Jared told his aunt that he suggested to Thomas that they meet somewhere and settle their differences man to man. He said he wasn't afraid of Thomas and knew how to handle himself.

Another cause of concern to Jared's family was the matter of his $400,000 life insurance policy. Joe Hillman had originally been the beneficiary. But Jared replaced him with Amanda prior to going to Iraq. Days prior to his death Jared told his aunt that he was going to remove Amanda from the policy. Was Amanda aware of that? Busbea doesn't know. But she feels it is entirely possible that during the heat of an argument Jared might have made his intentions known.

And the sequence of events on the night of Jared's death set off additional alarm bells. Jared spent the day of August 8 at his father's. He mowed the lawn, ate dinner, and got Kendall bathed and ready for bed. At some point he removed the .40-caliber pistol from his father's gun cabinet and slipped out of the house unnoticed.

At 8:22 p.m., Jared’s grandmother, Cherry Todd, answered the telephone. It was Amanda. She said, "Granny, you need to call the sheriff’s office. I was talking to Jared, and he said he was going to kill himself and I heard a click,” Mrs. Todd said Amanda told her Jared was behind his father's house.

“I just panicked,” Todd said. “I ran out in the yard to see if he would hear my voice.” She told Jared’s father, who also began searching for his son. There are more than 100 acres of thick woods behind the home, making the search a monumental task.

Mrs. Todd said Amanda called a second time 10 minutes later, again telling her to call the sheriff’s office.

The troubling question here is why didn't Amanda call 9-1-1 herself and then call the Hillman residence? If Jared's life was at stake, that would seem to have been the fastest means of getting medical and law enforcement personnel on the scene.

After Amanda's initial call, Joe Hillman and a friend began searching the woods, yelling for Jared and calling his cell phone. The sheriff's department was called and officers arrived on the scene at around 10 p.m. The search continued until about 12:30 a.m. And at dawn, dozens more family members and friends gathered to renew the hunt.

Kim Busbea said that during the break she called Amanda at 5:44 a.m. Amanda told her she had not heard anymore from Jared. Busbea said, “I asked her what was the last thing Jared had said to her, and she said, ‘He said something about having a .40-caliber pistol and wanted to know if I would take care of Kendall if something happened to him.’ ”

Around 9:30 a.m., the search ended with Busbea’s husband and others finding Jared’s body beside a tree. He had a bullet wound to the right side of his temple, and the gun was in his right hand with his finger on the trigger of the weapon.

As soon as Jared’s body was found, Busbea called Amanda and told her Jared was dead. “She really didn’t say anything,” Busbea said.

Because the family knew Jared had been speaking on his cell phone to Amanda prior to his death, they scoured the area for the phone, but couldn’t find it. And it wasn't present when the coroner emptied Jared’s pockets.

The state medical examiner's office conducted an autopsy, after which Jared's body was cremated. When his father went to the mortuary to pick up his son's belongings, the missing cell phone was mysteriously among them.

Authorities passed off the reappearance of the phone as nothing more than the coroner's failure to find it earlier. But when the family was able to obtain and examine the phone records, more questions arose.

First was a "private call" listed at 8:15 p.m. that lasted two minutes. After that, there was a series of calls answered by voice mail until another "private call" was answered at 11:13 p.m. That call was placed from Amanda's phone and lasted just under five minutes. If Amanda's earlier calls to Mrs. Todd were accurate, this call was made and answered well after Jared was dead.

Seeing that call upset Joe Hillman. "How in the hell can my son be dead and answer his cell phone?" he said. "Either he wasn't dead, or somebody else had the telephone."

Records also show there was a 5:56 p.m. call from Derek Thomas' phone to Jared that lasted 46 seconds.

Although Jared was distraught, Hillman questioned whether his son would kill himself, especially since he was going to soon have permanent custody of Kendall.

Coroner Danny Shoemaker said from everything authorities saw, Jared's death appeared to be a suicide. He said no time of death was determined. When asked about the nearly five-minute conversation that took place on Jared's phone at 11:13 p.m., he replied, "That's news to me."

In a September 19, 2010 article, The Clarion-Ledger printed an email it had acquired that Amanda had written to the Army on Oct. 14, 2009:

"Someone told me that they thought someone had sad (sic) something about his benefits. I plan to
put this aside for Kendall (his son) if there is anything, but I knew that no one has contacted me yet. ... If you have any information, it would be appreciate."

That same article reported that before the end of 2009 Amanda received $400,000 as the beneficiary of Jared's life insurance policy.

Kim Busbea adopted Kendall in June, 2010. She says that contrary to Amanda's statement in her email to the Army, Kendall has not seen a penny of that money. Over the summer she filed a lawsuit against Amanda and Derek Thomas seeking to get the insurance money for Kendall. She alleges that Kendall suffered an alienation of affection due to the affair between Amanda and Thomas.

The suit says in part:

Jared made his wife the beneficiary "with the understanding that, should he die, the insurance proceeds would be used for the care and benefit of his minor child. It is inconceivable that, given Defendant Hillman's affair, that he would want his life insurance proceeds going to (his wife) with not a penny being used for the benefit of his minor child."

In addition to Kim Busbea's lawsuit, the Mississippi Bureau of Investigation is reviewing the case. Joe Hillman said he wants authorities to thoroughly investigate and find the truth, even if they conclude his son committed suicide. "All I've ever wanted is the truth."

And that doesn't seem like too much to ask.

Recovery Without Justice

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

At the heart of the victims' rights movement that I was involved in during the 1980's after my father's murder was the concept of judicial justice which would lead to psychological justice. It's a great concept and in a perfect world it would work in all situations. If you were wronged by the pathological person (physically hurt, conned out of money, screwed up custody situations, infidelity, spiritual abuse, etc.) the pathological would be held accountable in the courts for his behavior and more importantly, he would be forced into victim restitution in which he would have to repay or do something as a sign of his guilt and your pain.

Restitution, in and of itself, really doesn't heal anything. It does, however, make the victim/person harmed feel like the scales of justice changed.  The scales, which once grossly tilted toward him, now tilt in the victim's direction. For a brief moment in court, and for however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty.' Everyone knows he was charged and found guilty; now he is 'paying the price' for his actions. For a brief moment in court, a judge believes the victim! He believes the monster really did what the victim said he did. That, in and of itself, is often the psychological justice that victims really look for, and it helps them to heal.

In the case of murder trials, which I often attended, the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is either physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns from the monster to the victim's family.

The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtrooms and chambers, hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say most cases, that's not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, and children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted or otherwise an inept parent.

He continually violates the rules, but the court does not impose sanctions.  He doesn't pay child support, but his visitation continues.  He does not pay alimony, yet the court does not make him pay it.    He conned/stole thousands of dollars from you, but the court does not make him pay it. Your legal bill skyrockets as he does not pay what he has agreed to pay or been ordered to pay. Taking him to court again and again does no good; the pathological continues his behavior. The judge does not see past the expertly-crafted mask to the pathological's true nature-he gives him the benefit of the doubt, thinking him normal. Even when the court does order compliance, it does no good: the pathological laughs at court orders. You stand by, mouth gaping and wondering "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"

I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the pathological's benefit. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be them. The universal scales of justice tilt in his favor. Ironically, this somehow influences the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work I have seen pathologicals literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the 8th Wonder of the World -- how pathologicals con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.

In these cases, women's hopes for justice, connected to their psychological healing, are dashed. The scales of justice will never be balanced -- she is not vindicated in the way that helps her heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he rarely pays the price. If he is suppose to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is suppose to go to jail/prison, it's postponed or over-turned. If custody is denied, it's later granted by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.

Victims' rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice doesn't play out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to vindicate her -- her moment in which the conscience of this country believed her -- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victims heal, now what?

I sternly tell victims of pathological relationships that they must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair'; the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live that as a concept, and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, you will have to recover without judicial justice. Without victim restitution. Without the conscience of this country validating your story.

You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge their recovery on judicial justice or waiting for her day in court, or 'when he gets what's coming to him' will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor, and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victims rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he did to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.

In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see yourself as a victim of the situation, you won't recover until you move past that view. If you see the situation from a different perspective - horrible things happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward -- with or without justice.

The most unfair situation is what you have lived through and the aftermath of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable spirit of recovery that can guide you to not only survive, but thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.

Is There Hope When A Loved One Is Missing?

By Cynthia Caron

When a loved one goes missing it is important to always offer hope. Even when the circumstances may appear to look grim, who are we, as people, to decide for a family of a missing loved one that "things will not be good?" We cannot determine an outcome will for surely be a bad one.

Hope is what makes life bearable when times are difficult and more so when one is living with the fear of what has happened to their missing family member. It is important, that no matter how difficult it may be, to maintain hope. This can be achieved by surrounding oneself with caring people who are there to listen, comfort them, provide a shoulder to lean on and offer hope. Hope is a definite positive.

Love can create hope when families see none. This is such a profound statement and is most especially important for those having so many unanswered questions with aching hearts of needing to be able to hold and know their loved missing is safe. While nobody can change what may have already happened, we can help the family keep their stamina through hope. No, we cannot provide a miracle, but we can provide love. There are a number of ways that friends, extended family and colleagues can offer to help the family. One can offer to help hang missing posters in the community for the family or even simple offerings of bringing dinner to the family or help with babysitting. Every gesture is appreciated and the more love the family receives the easier it is to bear with their pain and fears.

Hope is expectation moderated by realization that nothing is certain. This is so true and we’ve all seen cases in which a missing loved was located safely that we surely thought was not going to have a good outcome, as well as those we felt would be located safely and were not. Again, we are mere mortals and nobody can guarantee an outcome with certainty.

The belief in a positive outcome, is hope. Therefore, nobody should ever tell a family of a missing loved one that hope does not exist and certainly not by law enforcement or any advocate who work with families of missing. Hope is an emotion, a needed bar to grab onto when one feels they may fall. It is what enables all humans to wake each morning to face another day. Nobody has the right to ever take away another person’s hope.

If you believe in miracles, then hope always exists. No matter how grim, no matter what the evidence may suggest it has happened time and again in which miracles have happened. Even those who may not be religious have to admit that they’ve seen, read or heard of miracles in which a positive outcome came from a very grave situation.

Hope is faith. While I personally believe hope is faith, not everyone holds a religious perspective and so I would like to say that for those who do not have the same belief as I, to think of your hope as a personal journey, within yourself, to whatever place in your mind that you can go that helps to bring out the positive encouragement for yourself and your family. Faith can be from your personal religious beliefs, or can be from your own self-positive comforting measures.

The light within us is hope that pierces the darkness of doubt, fears and discouragement. Think of infants that are just learning to walk. Do they have hope? Absolutely! They have doubt, fears of falling and even may feel discouraged but something within them, some may call it determination but I call it hope…hope and the excitement on their faces when they toddle a few steps with their arms raised and always with a smile on their faces. So when things look bleak, when all may seem ominous know that as long as you have hope…the days ahead will be more manageable.

Always hope. Should things turn differently there will be plenty of time for sorrow.