Think Preventive – Life Is Precious

Why? Shouldn’t law like medicine reflect reality and "First, do no harm"to the victims?

NAMES OF MURDER VICTIMS


Unsolved Murder Victim: Lacey Claire Gaines, Solved Murder Victims: Victoria Larson, Det Mike Mayborne, Jenny Crompton

2 Criminal and victim rights hang in an ugly imbalance. You would think that America - one of the greatest countries in the world - would know better how to protect it’s citizens.

Restoring the Balance of Justice to the Victim
Wouldn’t it be nice if the justice system supported homicide survivors with the same love and understanding the medical community shows a cancer victim? Undergoing chemotherapy is scary and so is trying to recover from a homicide. But there’s no TLC for homicide survivors. Medical advancements are advancing the war with cancer. The same can’t be said about homicide. Why? Shouldn’t law like medicine reflect reality and "First, do no harm"to the victims?”

Our justice system does more to uphold criminal rights than it does victim’s rights. It means criminals should be prosecuted in a just way. This shouldn’t mean letting the criminal lie, cheat, manipulate or slip his way out of the truth or justice, or God forbid coddling him at the expense of the victim!

How many of us remember the names of the Ted Bundy’s victim’s? You don’t! - but you remember the killer Ted Bundy’s name. It's high time that we remember the names and the lives of the VICTIMS.

There should be someone who will argue for the rights of the victim. The Prosecutor doesn’t do it they represent the State, and the Defense represents the Accused. So who’s looking out for the victim? In reality victim’s rights are rarely enforced. Therefore, we need to restore the balance of justice to the victims.

Crime victims have a right to be heard in criminal proceedings and may directly address the court, with their own private attorney, to advance their rights under victims' "Bill of Rights" laws.


Andrea Will murder victim 1999

Andrea’s Law - Murder Registry
1 The legislation, known as “Andrea’s Law,” is named after Andrea Will who was strangled to death in 1998 by her ex-boyfriend, Justin J. Boulay who was released from prison in November after serving only 12 of his 24-year sentence.

One of the first in the country, State Representative Dennis Reboletti (R-Elmhurst) passed Andrea’s Law recently out of the Judiciary II Committee that calls for the creation of a murderer registry. House Bill 263 is a natural extension to the state’s current sex offender and child murderer registry that will allow residents to take proper safeguards if a convicted murderer lives in their neighborhood,” said Reboletti, a former prosecutor. “Law enforcement will also be put on notice as to the movement and locations of these individuals, long after they are released from custody.”

Patricia Rosenberg of Batavia - Andrea Will’s mother, supports the murderer registry.

“House Bill 263 Andrea’s Law, would not only finally service justice for Andrea, but also for all of the families who have lost a loved one at the hands of another. We need to make sure there is accountability for first-degree murder beyond the prison gate. We all have the right to know if that murderer is living in our neighborhood or right next door,” said Rosenberg. “I was not able to protect my child from what happened to her, but his bill may help to protect someone else – if only they knew.”

In March 1999, Boulay was convicted of first-degree murder. At the time of the sentence, Illinois law allowed one day cut from the sentence for every day of good behavior. Since then, Illinois adopted truth-in-sentencing laws that require those convicted of violent crimes to serve at least 85 percent of their sentences.

Upon his release from prison, Boulay moved to Hawaii with his wife and will be on parole for three years and must undergo anger management.

Due to the Boulay case, Hawaii legislators are also proposing a murderer registry. Hopefully other states will follow.

Many citizens think they are protected by the national NICE or LEADS systems but in reality they are not. There is no standardization of forms state to state. The murder registry will be in a sense a work around to the problem of criminals staying under the radar. It will act as a deterrent and save lives.


Cindy Bischof Murder Victim

GPS Tracking Another Crime Deterrent Tool
The Cindy Bischof Law was put into effect in 2009.

The GPS has a 100% success rate in keeping women alive. We need an effective legal guarantee of personal-security for victims of domestic abuse. I think it’s a wonderful tool and will not only help save lives but prevents crime and helps to prosecute crime. We all have GPS on our phones and now we’ve got a microchip being put on our 4USPS postage stamps because of anthrax and congress. They already use them on sex offenders DOC has them and have monitored and used the data to prosecute perpetrators. I believe it is inevitable we will all see them utilized soon in many different ways.

I also think the GPS is important for women’s human rights. Too many women are dying from domestic violence. It saves lives. It shouldn’t be about money, it should be about saving lives. At the rate prisoners are being released early we all need this crime deterrent tool.

Women are being blamed for getting themselves beat and raped by men they know and then chastised for not liking them after wards. We need the state to recognize that women are violated because we are women (a form of unequal treatment which needs legal teeth) the GPS helps do exactly that and more.

Primal Prevention of Homicide
While we may never see a Hallmark Card saying “I’m sorry for your child’s homicide” it’s good to know there are some like State Representative Dennis Reboletti and the Cindy Bischof Foundation taking Primal Prevention of Homicide seriously.

I'd be remiss if I didn't also include a daughter of a murdered mother by her abusive Dad (who then killed himself), a friend who maybe because she lost her parents, has spent her life trying to save others. Susan Murphy-Milano has come up with an interesting set of homicide prevention tools, i.e., Evidentiary Abuse Affidavide and 6 Intimate Partner Harm Reduction Act.

Another key to success is everyday practicability. Funds need to be applied to epidemiological research towards finding ways to prevent homicide and stop waiting until there’s another homicide victim willing to testify for Bills needed to to protect the living.

References:

1. CBS Chicago Victim’s Mother Campaigns For Murder Registry Law
2. Time’s Up Blog Support for Homicide Survivors will Enhance Victim’s Rights in Illinois
3. GPS Tracking: http://www.thehotline.org/2009/05/gps-tracking/
4. ‘Smart stamps’ next in war on terrorism http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2003/oct/26/20031026-124606-8419r/
5. Cindy Bischof Foundation: http://cindysmemorial.org/

6. Intimate Partner Harm Reduction Act: http://www.susanmurphymilano.com/p/intimate-partner-harm-reduction-act.html

Rhythm of Your Heart

By Neil Schori

How often do you talk to yourself? Quite a lot, don’t you? Come on, you can admit it. As a matter of fact, some mental health experts say that it is actually a marker of true mental health. In that case, I must be really healthy! Since November, I’ve been doing a lot of self-talk. I tell myself that I’m just in a busy season and that soon it will slow down and everything will be ok. I’m sick and tired of saying that to myself because it isn’t changing. This is one of the longest “seasons” on record!

In our fast-paced and results-oriented society, we’re told to keep running and running in our careers and with all of our kids’ extra-curricular activities. Even our vacations are rushed. We’ll surely rest one day, won’t we? Certainly retirement will be good, at least. Maybe, but we’ve never been guaranteed retirement, have we?

Here’s what I’m learning, and starting to integrate into my self-talk mantras: running non-stop is neither efficient nor good for me. And no one else will tell me to slow down, either. I have to care enough for myself to recognize that slowing down is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, slowing down can make me a lot more productive, and will help me to keep firing on all cylinders in a healthy and well-rounded way.

Maybe you can relate to all of this. Why is it that we think that we have to keep running so fast, anyway? What are we trying to prove? A lot of us keep going because we think that everything depends on us. I used to think that, but now I believe that is both unhealthy and untrue. When we fall for that lie, we start running around so quickly that we are good to no one…particularly not to ourselves. When we do that, we are out of a healthy rhythm and we’re inefficient and something will break in us. It may be our sanity, and it may be our health.

It reminds me of a heart condition called atrial fibrillation. It is one of the leading causes of blood clots that kill people each year. A healthy heart beats with a united and purposeful rhythm, but atrial fibrillation causes the heart to beat erratically, and without unity and strength. What happens next is the blood that is being pumped does not circulate properly and tends to pool and to clot. It isn’t that the heart is not beating. It is actually beating like mad. It is beating quickly and inefficiently…and for the physical heart, that can be disastrous. And just maybe, it is for our emotional hearts, too.

If I’m describing you today, I want you to do something with me. Say no to someone when they ask you for something, and then take that time and do something for yourself. It isn’t selfish or bad or uncaring. Let all of that go. Get a cup of coffee all by yourself or take a long walk or do yoga. Don’t give a long explanation for why you are saying no because that just makes you sound guilty. Just say no and be silent. I promise you this: you won’t regret it…and you’ll be healthier for it. How is your life’s rhythm?


Peace,

Neil Schori 

www.neilschori.com

Enough of a Broken Custody Court System: What Would Work Better?

By Barry Goldstein

We have spent a lot of time discussing what is wrong with the custody court system particularly as it applies to domestic violence cases. This is understandable as there are so many horrendous cases in which flawed practices lead to outcomes that destroy children, undermine the reputation of the judicial system and create substantial harm to society. By now the research is overwhelming that the standard practices work poorly for children even as the custody court professionals fail to be open to the research now available. In recent years, academicians, government agencies and others have started to join protective mothers and domestic violence advocates in an understanding of the failure of the present system. We must go past mere complaints and offer solutions to reform the custody court system to be ready when those in authority are ready to listen. Accordingly I am writing this article to offer some ideas for the needed reforms. I hope this will start a discussion that will lead to a consensus on the types of reforms needed. While there will need to be a fundamental shift in attitudes to create significant reforms, I have tried to consider both what might be possible and what would work in creating my proposals.

1. Specialized Courts for Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Cases: This would include any cases where there are allegations or evidence of possible domestic violence or sexual abuse. Some judges and other court professionals believe it is not a domestic violence case until the allegations are proven. This is a mistake as the courts need domestic violence expertise to recognize whether or not the allegations are true. Specialized courts would have special training for the professionals and obtain expertise by responding constantly to these cases. Hopefully it would eliminate judges who don’t want to be hearing domestic violence or sexual abuse cases or have an obvious bias. This is not a panacea as it can be a disaster when the dv judge is hostile, but it seems to have a better chance. The benefit might also be limited in rural areas where there are not enough cases for specialization. Hopefully courts that can concentrate on these cases will learn best practices and to look at the patterns to help understand the cases.

2. First Priority Safety of Children, Second Priority Arrangements that give Children Best Chance to reach their Potential: Courts generally use some version of the best interests of the child standard. This sounds like it focuses on what works best for children which would be a good idea, but in practice it has created a very subjective analysis that has failed children. Some experts have suggested an approximation standard where the relative parenting time during the relationship would be replicated after the separation. This is what the parents thought worked best for the children before the disputes over the break-up clouded the process. Exceptions could be included to protect children from dangerous parents or for a serious change of circumstance such as a serious illness or substance abuse.

Most states have legislation or court decisions that create factors the courts should consider in deciding custody and visitation. The factors are usually relevant, but there is often no priority about what is most important so we often see court professionals focus on less important factors. I had one case where the judge was more concerned that the mother dressed the girls the same like twins although they were a year apart in age than the father’s abuse which included an incident observed by the children where the father took a knife to the mother’s throat. It is hard to believe that the children’s safety is not the most important priority far above all others, but it often is given less priority. Making this the priority would suggest a risk assessment rather than an evaluation that focuses on far less important and often pretend issues. Court professionals need to learn how to better recognize domestic violence and child abuse and to avoid minimizing these dangerous behaviors. A child’s safety cannot be reasonably compared with less important factors like a fancier home, higher income or negative statements about the other parent.

Similarly, the next priority should be arrangements that give the children the best chance to reach their potential. Children who are separated from their primary attachment figure are more likely to commit suicide, suffer depression or low self-esteem. It doesn’t make sense to take this risk except for something that can be shown to severely impact children. Research also shows that children witnessing domestic violence are more likely to engage in a wide range of harmful behavior. Allegations of alienation have not been shown to have such long-term harmful effects, but courts routinely focus on such less significant issues. The benefit of focusing on arrangements that help children reach their potential is the decisions would be more objective and based on valid scientific research.

In any decision, temporary or permanent in which a court diverges from the result that would have been created based upon the approximation standard, the court should put in writing:

• The harm the decision will cause the child (such as primary attachment issues)
• The benefits to the child the court believes it is creating by the decision 
• Current scientific research that supports the expected benefits and supports the belief the benefits are more important to the well being of the child than the harm. 
• The basis for the factual findings 
• All significant evidence that would support a finding of a pattern of coercive control or intimidating behavior by the alleged abuser. 

These requirements would force judges to focus on the most important issues for children and to at least put in the record the evidence considered. If the judge failed to consider important evidence or minimized it, an appellate court could more easily overturn the decision. This in turn would discourage judges from making a lot of the standard mistakes we see today.

3. Early Hearing on Domestic Violence: Near the start of any custody case that includes allegations or information about domestic violence, and before any appointment of an GAL or other representative for the child or any evaluator or other mental health professional, the court will schedule a hearing limited to the question of whether or not one of the parties has engaged in a pattern of coercive, controlling or intimidating behavior towards the other party. If such a pattern is established by a preponderance of the evidence, and the non-abusive parent is a safe parent (i.e. not a drug addict, beat the kids, etc) the non-abusive or less abusive parent shall receive custody and the abusive parent shall initially receive supervised visitation. In order to resume unsupervised visitation, the abusive parent must complete a batterer program or other form of accountability (therapy, anger management, substance abuse and other similar programs that have not been shown to change abusers' behavior shall not satisfy this requirement). The abusive parent must acknowledge sole responsibility for the abuse, commit to never abusing the mother and any other intimate partner and stop all forms of domestic violence tactics. If the abusive parent satisfies these requirements the court shall have the authority to order the resumption of unsupervised visitation in whatever gradualized manner the court deems appropriate with the understanding that if the parent commits further acts of domestic violence, all visitation shall stop. If the court does not find sufficient proof of domestic violence, the case shall continue, but the court shall be open to additional evidence and events that together with the evidence initially submitted constitute sufficient evidence to support a finding of domestic violence. This idea might appeal to courts because it would save a lot of resources and court time. Cases that now take many months or years could be resolved in a few hours and children would quickly know which parent they will be living with. This would also save a substantial amount in legal and other fees thus limiting the common abuser tactic of bankrupting the mother with aggressive litigation tactics. Most important the hearing would focus on domestic violence without distraction from other less important issues that abusers often use as a tactic to avoid accountability. This should lead to better decisions.

4. Custody Decisions to rely on Valid, Current Scientific Research: Custody decisions shall be made based upon the use of valid and current scientific research. Any expert testimony must be based upon such current research. Experts qualifying to testify based upon mental health degrees and practice shall be limited to testimony concerning mental health issues. Mental health professionals shall not be used in custody cases in which no significant mental health issue exists. Degrees in medicine, psychology or social work shall not be taken as proof of expertise in domestic violence. In any cases in which there are allegations or evidence of domestic violence, no mental health professional shall testify as an expert without consulting a domestic violence advocate or other expert. In order to testify or provide other assistance to the court as a domestic violence expert, the individual must work as a domestic violence advocate or other similar position at a recognized domestic violence organization, be approved as an expert by such recognized domestic violence organization or convince the court of expertise based on training and experience in domestic violence issues and familiarity with current scientific research. Any court professional whose behavior, practices or professional approaches creates the appearance of minimizing the importance of domestic violence or opposing the state policy of seeking to end domestic violence may not be considered for any position that would be considered a neutral professional.

We see repeatedly that courts rely on mental health professionals who often have no expertise in domestic violence and either cite bogus research that has serious flaws or just use what they call their clinical experience (which means their personal beliefs and prejudices). If there is any basis for courts to hear testimony from experts it must be based on a familiarity with current scientific research such as is found in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Part of the problem is that there was no research when custody courts initially adopted current practices and so they never got into the habit or expectation of looking for current research to inform their decisions. At the same time a cottage industry has developed where court professionals have realized the abusers have control of the family finances so the way to make money is to support approaches that favor abusers. This has led to articles by abuser rights mental health professionals that are not peer reviewed or based on any valid research.

5. Avoid Gender Biased Practices: Domestic violence and sexual abuse are gendered crimes. Repeated court-sponsored gender bias committees and other research have found widespread gender bias against women and particularly women litigants in child custody cases. The Constitution and our sense of fairness require men and women to be treated equally under similar circumstances, but failure to consider the fundamental differences between men and women is a violation of equal protection and fundamental fairness. Accordingly, practices that require mothers and fathers to be treated the same regardless of past parenting are not in the best interests of children and should not be permitted. Custody and visitation decisions should be made based upon the needs and well being of the children rather than the "rights" of the parents. Gender bias is often unconscious so judges must be open to concerns of mothers that they or other court professionals have engaged in gender bias and the use of gender biased approaches should require appeals courts to overturn the biased decisions.

6. Accountability: GALs, evaluators and other appointed court professionals shall not have immunity from civil lawsuits in connection with their work. If the evidence demonstrates the lawsuit was brought as part of a pattern of coercive, intimidating and controlling behavior towards their intimate partner, the defendant will be entitled to reimbursement of legal fees and expenses. Judges shall have a qualified immunity provided they avoid gross negligence, deliberate and unjustified retaliation or violation of a party's civil rights. Before a lawsuit can be brought against a judge, the party must obtain permission from a commission set up to review potential lawsuits against judges. A majority of the commission shall not be part of the legal profession. No one shall take part in review of a proposed lawsuit who has appeared or is likely to appear before the judge or has other professional connection that would create an appearance of bias. The commission or panel making the decision must include someone who is an expert in domestic violence.

In addition to other issues normally reviewed by judicial conduct committees, the committees shall investigate allegations of gender bias, retaliation for criticism of the judge or the court and a lack of understanding of domestic violence issues. Aside from other considerations, these issues will be investigated to determine if the judge needs retraining in these issues. A majority of the committees shall not be part of the legal profession and no one should participate in consideration of a complaint who has or might appear before the judge or have other potential conflicts. States shall provide sufficient funds so that significant issues raised in complaints shall be investigated. Lawyers shall not be subject to discipline for good faith criticism of the court or a judge and the court system shall take steps to avoid creating the appearance of retaliation for such criticism.

I know many mothers who have been cruelly mistreated by abusive judges would like to remove all immunity for judges. In practice this would not work well for protective mothers and there are legitimate justifications for judicial immunity. If all immunity was eliminated, the abusers would be the ones filing lawsuits because they have the resources and judges would be afraid to do the right thing. We need to create meaningful accountability for court professionals without interfering with legitimate protections. I remember reading an article by a psychologist in which he pointed to the low rate of findings against evaluators in complaints by litigants and concluded it proved the complaints were mostly frivolous. He never considered that psychologists are judging themselves and have a strong bias against these complaints. It really demonstrates why a majority of those reviewing complaints against any of the professionals cannot be from the profession being reviewed.

7. Economic Abuse: Custody courts shall take steps to prevent the outcome of custody cases to be decided by the relative resources of the parties. Courts shall level the playing field where one party has control of most of the family resources by ordering the wealthier parent to contribute to the other parent's legal expenses. In cases in which a pattern of coercive, intimidating and controlling tactics is established, the abusive parent shall be responsible for all expenses made necessary by their abuse. Courts shall consider economic abuse in considering allegations of domestic violence.

Abusers often threaten their victims that if she dares to leave he will bankrupt her and go after the children. Judges and other court professionals are often untrained in the use of economic abuse and rarely take steps to prevent this unfair strategy or use it to help understand the pattern of abuse. If courts were to respond aggressively to this tactic they would save a lot of work and court time because the abusers would no longer have an incentive to pursue a lot of frivolous claims and strategies.

8. The Importance of Context: Context is critical to understanding domestic violence issues. Accordingly custody courts shall avoid practices where each incident or issue is reviewed separately so that the context is hidden. Even where courts have made decisions denying domestic violence or similar allegations, this shall not prevent the court from examining new or additional examples or evidence of domestic violence in the context of the previous evidence rejected in an earlier decision. Similarly courts should be open to considering earlier evidence in the light of current research not previously considered. We have frequently seen courts give custody to alleged abusers on the assumption they were more likely to promote the relationship with the mother and once they gain control undermining or destroying the relationship. This behavior should be used to demonstrate the original assumptions were wrong and support the allegations of abuse because it demonstrates his motivation. Nevertheless, courts that severely punish mothers for asking courts to limit contact with dangerous fathers routinely do nothing when the fathers not only ask the court to interfere with the mother’s relationship, but unilaterally take actions to limit contact between the mother and children.

9. Review of Catastrophic Outcomes: A Catastrophe Review Commission shall be established to review events occurring after a decision in a domestic violence custody case that demonstrate the predictions made in the custody decision were catastrophically wrong. This would include cases where an alleged abuser found safe by the court later kills a child or intimate partner, is convicted of sexual abuse, child pornography, a domestic violence crime or other similar event that makes it likely the original decision was tragically wrong. A domestic violence expert shall be part of any panel reviewing these cases. The panel shall issue a public report that includes the names of the parties and professionals involved in the case, findings and recommendations. One of the problems we see is that unless a father immediately kills the children there are no consequences to judges making dangerous decisions. If they knew later events could trigger an investigation that could place the court’s mistakes in the context of some tragedy they might be afraid to take the chance.

10. Protective Parent Act: No penalty or retaliation shall be imposed for a good faith report of domestic violence or child abuse. A determination that a report of domestic violence or child abuse is not supported by sufficient evidence to confirm the allegation shall not by itself be used as proof that the allegation was deliberately false or to discredit the person making the allegation. The myth that women often make false allegations has led inadequately trained court professionals to create a punitive and retaliatory response to allegations of abuse. The decisions usually cause more harm to children than any expected benefit. Sexual abuse allegations are particularly difficult to prove. Inadequate proof, particularly in the context of common poor investigation practices do not mean the allegations were deliberately false, but too many court professionals fail to understand the distinction.

11. Courts May Not Consider Theories Based on Myths: No theories or approaches based on the myth that women frequently make false allegations of abuse shall be considered in a custody case. No professional who expresses a belief in this myth shall be qualified to participate as a neutral professional in a custody case. A determination of a belief in this myth can be made by explicit statements or implicitly from the actions and approaches of the professional. Parental Alienation Syndrome and its progeny like “friendly parent” approaches are based on the belief almost all allegations of abuse are false. The same is true of PAS by other names such as alienation or parental alienation. These bogus theories have prevented adequate investigation of abuse allegations by assuming they are false. This reform would prevent the harm caused by these unscientific practices. It would not prevent courts from considering actual evidence of specific behaviors and the effects of proven behaviors.

12. Record Keeping: Courts shall keep records that will be available on its web site providing information for each judge about how many custody cases included allegations of domestic violence or child abuse and how many the judge upheld. This will further be divided by gender. The court will also keep records of requests for protective orders and the numbers upheld by each judge. This will not invade anyone’s privacy as the names of the cases will not be provided. We know that only one or two percent of abuse allegations made by mothers are deliberately false (some additional ones may not have sufficient proof) so that if a specific judge is consistently finding against what we know have to be valid allegations, it will establish the judge needs retraining or to be removed from sitting on a bench handling domestic violence cases. I believe just posting this information will discourage judges from making arbitrary and harmful decisions.

13. Use of Best Practices by Child Protective Agencies: Child protective agencies shall work together with a local domestic violence agency and obtain training for their staff from them. The caseworkers shall consult with domestic violence advocates or other domestic violence experts when working on any complaint in which there is information the case might involve domestic violence. Many local communities have created a partnership between child protective and domestic violence agencies. These have worked well by helping to recognize domestic violence and respond in ways that benefit children. This should be considered best practices and illustrates that a mental health degree does not demonstrate expertise in domestic violence so these professionals should be consulting with domestic violence advocates or other experts.

14. Response to Child Sexual Abuse Allegations: In any child custody case that included allegations of child sexual abuse or charges against a parent who raised concerns about child sexual abuse and the court decides to give temporary or permanent custody or joint custody to the alleged abuser, the court, in writing shall specify the following: What was the evidence that supported the sexual abuse allegations; what is the evidence that proves no sexual abuse occurred; what is the evidence that proves no boundary violation occurred; what is the evidence that the complaint was made in bad faith; what is the harm of changing custody of the child; what is the benefit of changing custody, what can be done to secure the benefit without creating the harm or minimizing the harm

No type of child custody case is mishandled worse than ones with sexual abuse allegations. By the time children reach the age of eighteen, one-third of the girls and one-sixth of the boys have been sexually abused. The stereotypical abuser is a stranger, but most rapists and molesters are someone the victim knows and for children it is often their fathers. Nevertheless 85% of sexual abuse allegations result in custody for the alleged abuser. Clearly a large percentage of these cases are wrongly decided and spectacularly so. Courts routinely use flawed practices in responding to these allegations. These reforms will force courts to at least consider important issues that are often missed in the emotions of these cases. Hopefully it will discourage courts from granting custody to abusers and punishing good faith allegations.

15. Responses to Child Sexual Abuse Allegations: Courts shall use best practices in considering allegations of child sexual abuse such as use of play therapy in young children, providing sufficient time for a child to build a trusting relationship with the interviewer before expecting the child to reveal whatever happened; considering the context of domestic violence in the case, understanding children often recant truthful allegations for a variety of good reasons and the need to avoid silencing the child.

Child sexual abuse allegations are difficult to prove under the best of circumstances. The crime is not committed in front of witnesses for obvious reasons. Most sexual abuse does not leave physical proof (although inadequately trained professionals often expect it) and when physical proof is available it is often lost by the time the child reveals the abuse. Society is uncomfortable with the subject and court professionals don’t want to believe a father could do something so heinous, particularly if he is successful in other parts of his life. Accordingly it is important that professionals investigating the allegations use best practices and avoid being influenced by the myth that women frequently make false allegations. At the same time professionals should consider if the child’s reaction was caused by boundary violations or some innocent behavior.

16. Providing Necessary Information in Court Applications: In any application to a court for a change in the custodial arrangement, the applicant will provide information about any arrests or convictions for domestic violence or child abuse crimes and any prior protective orders against the party. Any misrepresentation or omission of material information required under this section shall result in the dismissal of the application and reversal of any relief granted based upon the misleading application.

We have seen common abuser tactics where they make false allegations and ex-parte applications for a change of custody. Frequently mothers lose custody without any opportunity to challenge the allegations. Courts can be unaware of a history of domestic violence and child abuse. By the time the mother has a chance to challenge the decision the children are living with the father and the court is reluctant to uproot them again. If the application fails to inform the court of these critical issues, the petition must be dismissed and the children returned.

17. Retraining Court Professionals: In conjunction with the current scientific research that establishes widespread mistakes and bad practices in responding to domestic violence custody cases and the reforms developed to respond to the problem, court professionals shall be retrained based upon current scientific research. Among the topics to be included in the retraining shall be:

1. Most contested custody are domestic violence cases and not "high conflict" cases.

2. How to Recognize Domestic Violence

3. Gender Bias

4. The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

5. The Need to Limit Mental Health Professionals to their Actual Expertise

6. The Proper Way to Respond to Sexual Abuse Allegations.



Court professionals have received a lot of misinformation that contributes to the bad custody decisions we see in domestic violence cases. Judge Mike Brigner and I have written an article designed to train judges. These six areas constitute frequent mistakes made by judges and other court professionals that lead to decisions that are harmful to children. A big part of the problem is that many judges and other professionals have a false confidence in their knowledge of domestic violence issues and are not open to hearing information based upon the current scientific research now available. Hopefully by making major reforms in the courts’ response to domestic violence cases it will send a powerful message that court professionals need to take a fresh look at this subject and be open to the expertise now available.



Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. Barry can be reached by email at their web site www.Domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com

The Missing All American Girl

By Gaetane Borders 

March 28, 2011 marks the 3-month anniversary of Phylicia Barnes’ disappearance. This straight “A” and college bound student vanished on December 28, 2010 while visiting family members in Baltimore, MD. As would be expected, her parents and siblings are devastated. Since her disappearance, Phylicia’s friends and family were forced to celebrate her 17th birthday without her. Her classmates are now planning their proms, and are preparing to graduate and go on to college. Yet, Phylicia remains missing. No, she did not run away as the police initially suspected. Anyone will tell you that Phylicia is an overachieving young woman and not a troubled teen with a history of hard partying. In fact, she’s the All American Girl Next Door…with a megawatt smile.

Recently, her classmates joined me on my blogtalk radio show to share their insight about their beloved friend. They described her as loving, friendly, and bubbly. Their pain and sadness was almost tangible, as they wept when they verbalized the possibility of never seeing her again. It was a first for me. While I often talk to the family and friends of missing children, they are usually adult. This, however, was the first time that I interviewed teenage peers. Their maturity impressed me, and it was clear that this tragedy has caused them to bond together in a magnificent way. Their show of strength and unity is observed in the fact that the entire school wears bracelets with the tag “Faith, Hope, Love” in honor of their missing classmate. They have even held numerous prayer vigils and established a reward fund for Phylicia. It is clear….they love and miss their friend.

Although Phylicia’s story received some media in the weeks following her disappearance, the coverage has come to an apparent halt. In addition, the tips coming into hotline dedicated to her are reportedly dwindling. "They've slowed down,” said Homicide Major Terry McLarney, “They are coming in at probably a fraction of what it was a month ago…” However, McLarney did say that they receive flurries of calls after news reports air. Thus, pointing out what many of us know….limited media equals limited leads. Despite this, the police have a special squad of six detectives with a sergeant working the case in hopes that discovering any leads in the case.

Police believe that a tip is more than likely the only way Phylicia will be found. It’s clear that someone knows what happened to her. You may have seen something…Heard something….Or were told something. Someone knows something. That is why I, along with her classmates, family members and loved ones plead with you to call the hotline at (855)223-0033 if you might know anything at all about Phylicia’s disappearance. It's EVERYONE'S job to save our children.


Gaetane Borders is President of Peas In Their Pods http://peasintheirpods.com

Think Like A Teen?

By Susie Kroll

  

Self-reflection is something I believe extremely important and often under-utilized.  The question I pose is this:  Have you taken the time to think about your beliefs and values and then compared them to those you held in your teens?  Furthermore, have you examined what has changed about you and your beliefs or how your perspective has changed since you were a teen? 

The reason that I pose this question is that I think it is very important to see the differences in things that teens and adults place value or belief in.  Obviously, as a teen one’s beliefs and value-placing tend to change and shift once that teen becomes an adult.  Some people find that they have changed their core beliefs significantly from their teenage years.  Others may find that they gravitate back to the values that their parents had, maybe because as teens they didn’t think what their own parents believed was important then.  Still yet, others may find that they have reinforced their childhood values in their adult lives.  Things or beliefs that teens hold dear at 15 or 16 can be much different than the things they will come to value at 35 or 40.  I believe it to be the natural progress of life, age, and the wisdom and experience that comes with age. 

The reason I find this self-reflection so valuable is that I spend a lot of time with teens.  As a speaker and educator in the field of Teen Dating Violence and Healthy Relationships, I am keenly conscious of the attitudes and ideas that teens hold and how they can differ from what is important to people as they age.  Perspective is a powerful tool in reaching teens when you want them to understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  For example, I could walk into a class of 14 year olds and talk about marriage, relationships, and domestic violence.  Having tried that and then read my reviews later, I’ve learned a few things.  First, is that the kids listen and compare what I am saying to their parents or guardians as they are the married ones.  Following that, there is little if no connection to the relationships the kids are in because for the most part, marriage is a far-off and foreign concept.  Some of the other comments I have received state in many different ways that teens see their lives as long and marriage is only something you do when you’re old (old like 35 or so). 

So why would I use my own adult perspective to try and teach teens about dating violence?  The answer is I wouldn’t, having seen it fail when I first became a speaker.  Teaching teens about unhealthy and healthy relationships is so much more effective when you reach them in terms of their daily lives and current value systems.  For the most part, as a 14 year old, it isn’t important that a potential boy or girlfriend have a successful career.  But it is important that they maybe have a car or are cool and popular.   

Reaching a teen using their values, beliefs, and experiences is much more effective than trying to use abstract or future experiences to guide them.  If a teen can learn the same lessons via a frame of reference that they are familiar with, then the lesson will translate into expectations in later life.

By virtue of being and adult now, I have learned more, seen more, and become more aware of the world around me.  What I value and believe in has shifted from when I was a teen.  I remember as a teen being wholly wrapped up in my life, school, and most importantly, my friends.  I would hear what my parents were telling me and then go right back to my life concerns all the while thinking that my parents just didn’t understand.  In talking with them now, they tell me that they had the same thoughts regarding their own parents. 

So what is the moral of the story, so to speak?  As adults we have the luxury of having been both a teen and an adult during our lives.  Teens have yet to have that experience.  As adults, caregivers, and educators, it is vital that we don’t forget how we felt as teens and apply that to how we view and interact with today’s youth.  As adults with concerns like mortgages, bills, babies, marriages, jobs, and world issues it is hard to remember that for a teen the equivalent to the fighting in Libya is why their best friend from 3^rd grade isn’t talking to them anymore because of a boy they both like.  One issue isn’t more or less important than the other if you consider values and perspectives. 

So when you sit down to talk to your teen about anything and everything, from the seriousness of dating violence to the fun stuff like prom and football, remember perspectives.  You just might find a deeper connection and then both teens and adults might just learn something from one another.   

         

Spring Equinox: Organic Explosion of Spring

By Jillian Maas Backman

Every year my dearest pal organizes an extraordinary social event to celebrate the passing of Winter into the organic explosion of Spring. Better known on the calendar as the Spring Equinox.

Even though most of us strive to live a spiritual enriched lifestyle, it is always good for the soul to step out of routine. Periodically to remind ourselves to re-adjust our purpose for being here. In addition, it is always more fun when you can combine spiritual work with play. Just to relax, break bread with love ones and catch up on the latest news. I am always awestruck by the eclectic group of people in attendance. From all lifestyles. Different ethnicities, faiths and genders coming together to take part in this celebratory universal earthly event. It is humbling to be included in this kind of gathering. More importantly, it demonstrates the capabilities to find common ground of rejoice.

With this celebration came homework. The Spring Equinox represents a symbolic transition of letting go and materlization. We were asked to compile a list of items we want to let go and a second list of items we want to manifest for the coming year. To be honest with you, these kinds of tasks drive me crazy. I usually spend countless minutes toiling over the correct terminology and word-smithing every phase just right. Hoping not to leave anything off the list.

I have done this several times in the past and get hung up on the same issues year after year. Somewhere deep inside my soul there is conflict over this kind of precise “requesting” of blessings. Parts of me understand we all have human lessons to learn. The other part of me always believes in intuitive spontaneity. Letting the God process interweave spiritual surprises along the journey.

Throughout my teachings as a student, I was taught not to ask for anything in particular. If you do, this could be mis-interrupted as coming from human ego. A way of manipulating the process of God to receive what you want. I have since shifted my thoughts on this subject. The universe can share with you if you are willing to ask with humbleness. Asking, if presented in an appropriate fashion does enhance purposeful living.

Every task on your list should contain some kind of balance. Some people insist all tasks should be intentionally focused and on purpose. Have we have lost our capacity for spiritual buoyancy. Riding the waves of unpredictable events as they come along. There will always be endless upward lessons and downward spiritual lessons of all dimensions. The God process rides the upheavals with you no matter what. Maybe, not every moment of our days should be spent towards unraveling spiritual lessons. There might be days when you are just supposed to rest and assilate nothing. Just being present with the quiet energy of nothingness. Keep this detail in the back of your mind when complete this exercise. Be as detailed as you feel the need to, but leave spaces for the unpredictable.

Exercise: Compose a Spring Equinox List

Find a quiet sacred spot to do this exercise. I prefer my car; no one can bother me there. Take your shoes off and get comfortable. We want no barriers between your feet and the energy of the earth. Breathe of course. No need to worry about deep breaths. For some, this shifts the focus off the task and may cause distractions.

There are boundaries one should follow when doing this task. Keep the list specific to items that only YOU can enact. Do not abuse this privilege. Please refrain for asking that others change their thoughts, behaviors, or actions. This list is about your changes and your lessons. You cannot interfere with other people’s lessons. They are responsible for creating their own list of letting go and manifesting change.

Step One: Letting Go

The Winter season is associated with dormancy. Things being put on hold for a short while. You must stir up the dirt from the inside out. Begin the process with an internal question: What am I suppose to let go right now? This is just a suggestion. Of course, re-work to reflect your own style. Say it aloud. This will jumpstart your subjective mind. Write any words as they come up on a piece of paper. Do not worry about precise sentences. You are searching for a physical description of what needs to be released energetically.

The next step is to release this energetic list out in the world. Dispose of it how you wish. The point is to remind yourself it is leaving your life for good.

Step Two: Materialization

Spring is about popping out of the cave and affecting new beginnings. What activities do you want to co-create? This is the time to do it. Planting season is upon us. The seasonal ground is fertile with endless possibilities. All you need to do is ask.

This divine privilege returns every year. Take this to heart. Of course, you may request blessing of all kinds, within reason. However, your expectations must be in alignment with reality. My hope for all is that you will gain success in whatever your heart desires. Please use reason when asking for such blessings. Keep in mind this exercise represents “new beginnings” not end results.

Think about using this energetic season to introduce new ideas into your thoughts. Break your list into chucks that are spiritually possible right now. When you plateau and reach that goal, repeat again.

On this list, there is abit more wiggle-room for including others. Asking for materialization for others is highly encouraged. Many are too humble or do not know how to ask for blessings for themselves. My dear friends and I do this for each other all the time. Sometimes, we are too closely involved in situations and unsure how to proceed forward.

You can do both exercises simonataneously or at separate times. Find that quiet space and go to work. List on a separate sheet of paper your goals you want to begin or change. Let your creative imagination soar on this one. Include those you feel need this same blessing. This piece of paper you may keep. Again, find your sacred place and hide it away. In the past, I have even buried it to let the earth lend its grounding energy to the process.

P.S : To calm my fears of not saying the right words on the paper I now finish each list with this phrase: If this is the highest good for myself and others, please let it be. It works wonders to fill in the spiritual gap of uncertainties.

In closing, I know I am always asking everyone to include world issues in most of my exercises. As hard as I try to stay completely focused on the individual, my heart tugs me back to the same intuitive message. Include those who need our energetic attention. Even if it is a split second in time. Change is occurring and affecting thousands of people right now. Please add a phase for their “new beginnings to your list.”

I cannot create global new beginnings necessary for higher grace but I know an energy that can!

Cheers to New Beginnings, Jillian Maas Backman  www.jillianmaasbackman.com

Being Proactive vs. Reactive IS a Choice

By Anny Jacoby

This post is for females of ALL ages.

There are two primary types of self-defense methods: proactive and reactive. Ideally, you will employ a combination of proactive self -defense methods and not have to rely on your reactive self-defense methods for dealing with potential violence and attackers.

What is Proactive Self Defense?
As the name implies, proactive self-defense are techniques you use before someone attacks you. Being proactive should prevent a dangerous or violent situation from happening and gives you time to put space between you and the possible assailant. For example, if you're walking down the street and see someone who looks a bit suspicious or who otherwise makes you uncomfortable you have the opportunity to employ proactive self-defense. You can cross the street so you're walking on the opposite side as the individual you're unsure about. You can go into a store or public place if you're in a location where that is possible. Proactive self-defense gives you the opportunity to possibly avoid a confrontation.

When you're aware of what's going on around you and of potential dangers, you have time to think about a strategy if a threat occurs. If an attack seems like it's about to happen, you can make sure you are ready to act giving yourself a better chance at stunning the attacker rather than waiting until he or she is attacking you before trying to make a move.

Being proactive means you're paying attention to your surroundings. If you're walking with your head in the clouds and your MP3 player blaring in your ears, you give up your opportunity to be proactive and avoid a potentially dangerous or violent situation. Get the ear buds OUT OF YOUR EARS unless you are in a gym. Do not voluntarily take any of your senses away at any given time.

What is Reactive Defense?

Once you've been attacked, the opportunity for proactive defense is gone and now you must employ reactive self-defense methods in order to get away from the attacker. If someone jumps on your back while walking through a dark parking lot, you're going to have an awfully hard time digging the pepper spray out from the bottom of your bag and spraying an attacker while he or she is attacking you. (I do not promote weapons such as pepper spray, guns, etc. = false security.)

Once you are being attacked the only thing you can do is react to the situation. You have no time to prepare or possibly prevent the situation from happening. Reactive self-defense techniques include physical fighting and attempting to outrun an attacker.

Now take a moment and ask yourself, would you rather be proactive or reactive? Not a tough choice but how many females actually know or learn how to be proactive? The number of females that know how to effectively protect and defend themselves is a small percentage to those that do not.

Any type or form of self-defense begins with knowledge and education. Prevention is the key, being proactive. Unfortunately we are not born with this knowledge, we are born with instincts but we have to be educated on the correct way to use them and how to physically defend ourselves.

I have a challenge for each of you. For one week, set a "daily" Google alert for domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, teen dating violence, abduction, bullying, stalking, murder and any other form of abuse or assault that you can think of that occurs over and over and over, hourly, daily. Read each alert that you get in your email. I mean go to the link and read the horrific reports that you receive. Read each one at least twice. Feel the pain, the turmoil; go to that dark place and put yourself in the victim's situation. Then go look in the mirror and look at yourself and tell yourself that you have not been given a "free pass" to the possibility of being victimized. Yes, you are special but you must get your head out of the sand and realize that you are not exempt. If you are not educated, if you are not proactive nor know how to be you don't have a snowballs chance in hell that you would survive an assault. You see anyone can and is victimized. Victimization does not discriminate.

So what do you do now? The majority of females will do nothing, absolutely nothing. Why? Because they have the mentality that "it won't happen to me". This post is meant to be a major wake-up call and I pray that I am reaching someone out here.

Google the murder of Jayna Murray in an upscale yoga store in Bethesda, Maryland on March 11, 2010 . When the report originally aired it was reported that two employees were assaulted and one, Jayna Murray was murdered during a botched robbery which escalated. This crime circulated on Saturday when the employee's were found by a co-worker. Bethesda, surrounding areas, the entire country - females went into panic mode. How could this happen in Bethesda of all places? How could this have happened to Jayna, she was an awesome, sweet, loving person? And, her co-worker assaulted, alive but would live with this horrific crime for the rest of her life.

The country went into a tail spin, stunning everyone. The media went crazy and females everywhere were actively seeking some kind of self-defense training because FINALLY THEY GOT A WAKE-UP CALL!

Why in God's name does something terrible have to happen for females to get it? Why does it take horrific crimes to be committed against females that gain media attention to make you/them look past their noses?

We now know that Jayna and her co-worker, Brittany Norwood was not sexually assaulted and Norwood has been allegedly charged with Jayna Murray's murder. But........what if? What if these two women were sexually assaulted, beaten, murdered and tied up? Can you even begin to imagine?

Now.....things are quieting down because Jayna wasn't assaulted and murdered by a male. Females will go about their business and become complacent. SHAME ON YOU/THEM!

Perhaps if a victim is educated and knows how to "effectively and realistically" defend herself it doesn't matter if her assailant is a male or female she would have a fighting chance. Don't you think?

In order kids to drive, drivers of any age have to attend so many hours of classroom study and must drive with an instructor a set number of hours BEFORE obtaining a license to drive alone. In reality, what are the states teaching these new drivers??????? Defensive driving! Bingo! While driving you are taught to ALWAYS be watching out for the other drivers, anticipating their moves while driving.

I leave you with this thought........since we teach DEFENSIVE driving techniques why in the world wouldn't every female want to be taught HOW TO PROTECT AND DEFEND HERSELF? A car can be replaced, a life cannot whether in a car or from an assault.

Do something for yourself, don't make your parents "make" you take a personal safety course (that's another post as to what to look for in an effective course). You are not invincible, you are human!

March 21, 2011 Jayna Murray's Parents Speak Out on GMA:

Jayna never mentioned the woman, Norwood to them. As the news broke of Jayna's murder and spread thoughout the D.C. suburb that a killer was on the loose, Mrs. Murray said, "It's the rumors that kill and it just burns you inside." The family of Jayna Murray is healing through launching a foundation to remember the adventure seeking young women who loved to go bungee jumping. Jayna's father reflects upon Jayna's life stating, "One (Jayna) of the most fearless people I've every known in my life and that's the objective as a father can get. I really admired her for everything she did and everything she represented."

The family has created the Janya Troxel Murray Foundation to remember Janya's life. For more information on the Janya Troxel Murray Foundation or to send a donation please send your donation to: The Janya Troxel Murray Foundation, P. O. Box 9492, The Woodlands, Texas 77387.

Keeping Jayna, family and friends in our thoughts and prayers. Blessings.

Your comments, feelings and thoughts are welcome. Please leave a comment.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby is the President of The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company

and Project Safe Girls

and is a Personal Safety E

xpert/Coach.
Anny received her PDR (Personal Defense Readiness) Instructor Certification in 2008.
Please refer to Anny's personal blog throughout the month for more
safety tips for your home, internet, work or school and documentation.

The Pathological: a Child Prodigy-Savant of Human Behavior - Part I

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

People often want to know why people with personality disorders (pathology) often have the worst and most inappropriate behavior indicating they are clueless about others feelings AND YET they are often enabled with the uncanny ability to know human behavior so well that they can con even the most knowledgeable of people.

This 'savant-like' experience with human behavior reminds me of the Scripture that says, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." Cluster B Personality Disorders, no doubt, rack up their miles in huge emotional and behavioral deficits. ("The Lord Taketh Away"). I've discussed this at length in articles and books-- what causes a personality disorder has to do with what DOESN'T happen when the personality is forming from 0-8 years of age.

Deficits = Disorders.

Not getting what a child needs WHEN they need it can help create a personality disorder. Normal childhood development does not include severe neglect, being raised by a pathological and learning to see the world through the eyes of a narcissist or sociopath, or being abused. 

Whatever the 'cause' of the personality disorder, (exposed to pathological parents or being born with neuro-abnormalities) let's consider the budding pathological child for a moment. Let's put out of our mind just for now the disordered adult he grows into. Let's say we have a 9 or 10 year old child. We'll call him Pathological Pete. Through no fault of his own, has a personality disorder. That means he:

· does not have the full spectrum of human emotion

· has blunted feelings of love/compassion/guilt/remorse

· has impulse control problems

· has difficulty being able to know right from wrong

· is not motivated by punishment when he does wrong

· is tantalized by risk and reward


His friend across the street is the same age and not personality disordered. We'll call him Normal Ned. Normal Ned:

· has a full spectrum of emotions

· feels bonded

· feels, love and compassion

· is motivated by punishment so he feels guilt and remorse

· has impulse control over many of his actions

· understands the basic concepts of right and wrong.

· Although he likes risk and reward, he has enough impulse control not to be led consistently by pleasure.


One day Pathology Pete is over at Normal Ned's. While playing in the house, the boys knock over a vase and break it. Normal Ned knows the story behind the vase: it's the only thing his mother has left from her mother. His mother got it as a gift on the death bed of her mother. She always prized the vase and felt her mother's presence when she looked at it.

Normal Ned's mother begins to cry; her son has empathetic feelings that his mother is sad and experiencing loss because of the broken vase. Normal Ned goes to her and tries to comfort her as Pathological Pete watches.

Pathological Pete has NO idea why Normal Ned:

(a) feels bad that the vase was broken (he thinks: so what, go get another one)

(b) why Ned would go to his mother and hug her and pat her (he thinks: why does she need that?)

(c) why Ned offers to replace the vase

(d) why it was even wrong to be playing with a ball by the vase.

Pathological Pete stands off to the side watching this 'unusual' reaction and interaction between Normal Ned and his mother. In comes Normal Ned's brother, Normal Nathan. Normal Nathan sees his mother crying and also tries to comfort her. Pathological Pete watches, wondering "Why did Normal Nathan go to her? He didn't even break the vase?"

Pathological Pete stands awkwardly aside, watching what to him is like a Sci-Fi movie--feelings, actions, behaviors, and motivations he doesn't understand. Over and over, throughout his childhood and into his adolescence, this incident is repeated.

Pathological Pete witnesses people having feelings he doesn't experience. They have emotional reactions that he doesn't understand. They have reactions, behaviors, and motivations that are foreign to him. Pathological Pete is bright--he is a smart child, but he can't figure out why he doesn't 'know' what other kids seem to know:

· how to act

· how not to act

· how to feel certain emotions and when and why


Pathological children figure out early they are 'different'--they just don't know why.

Since he has a need to appear normal and fit in with everyone else, the pathological child studies the behavior of those around him, looking for clues on how to appear normal. If he sees someone cry:

1. He watches how other people respond to the crying. (he learns behavior)

2. He studies the face of the person who caused the crying. (he learns the "I'm sorry" look)

3. He tries to determine what made the person cry. (he learns what makes a person cry and what the potential benefits/consequences are to the person who caused the crying)

Children who grow to be pathological become little psychologists by their teenage years. They have studied other people's behavior so intently that they understand on a manipulative level:

· what makes people hurt

· how to get out of consequences for having hurt others

These little child-prodigies have studied human behavior since they were 5 or 6 years old--they are emotional savants.

On one hand:

The "Lord Taketh Away" part: they do NOT have the full spectrum of emotions, so they cannot fully understand how others experience emotion. In this, they are somewhat emotionally retarded.

On the other hand:

This is the "Lord Giveth" part: They compensate by using their intelligence to study the reactions of others, learning to mimic facial gestures, language, lingo and behaviors. They develop a mask for any occasion.

Pathologicals "mirror-image" you in a relationship: they watch and listen, then mimic and parrot back all you say and do. This is why they feel like a soul mate--you are essentially looking at a mask of yourself.

The pathological polishes these skills through years of practice. He starts using them on his mother, his sister, his Sunday school teacher, girls at school...and later on his bosses. He practices those skills anywhere he can tweak the manipulation and look normal enough to fit in.

What began as a simple adaptation in a child--trying to understand how normal people relate and behave--evolved into manipulation. At some point, the child/teen must come to the conclusion that they DON'T have these feelings, limits, boundaries, and experiences. "What the hell...just gotta go with it" is their normal reaction.

The adaptation is no longer to understand normal people and compare/contrast them to his own experiences. It has become a survival behavior to help him get what he wants. He learned to produce masks to mimic the emotions and understanding he lacks.

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the Founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education, as well as the author of several books, including her latest, Women Who Love Psychopaths.

Healing Through "Art From My Heart"

By Rae Luskin

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month.1-4 girls and 1-6 boys will be abused by the time they are 18. Many abuse victims suffer the violation in silence, either blaming themselves or being afraid no one will believe them. The survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience a high rate of physical problems, mental health issues and social problems. They suffer from guilt, shame and low self esteem. The emotional and physical consequences can last for a lifetime.

The majority of childhood sexual abuse cases go unreported. It is estimated that there are 39 million survivors in the United States. It is estimated that 30% of survivors never tell anyone. We have to ask ourselves why children don’t tell.

1. Children are not sure who to tell. What if one of the parents is the abuser, what if mom is sick or one of the parents is dead.

2. No chance to be alone to tell

3. Caregivers do not listen

4. Parents discourage conversations about sex

5. Oftentimes children do not know what to say: they are too young or they have no words to describe it.

6. Abuser tells them; no one will believe you, you will be taken away from your family; you will never see your parents, friends or siblings again. No one will love you or marry you.

7. Abusers threaten to kill their family, their pet or themselves.

8. Children worry that if they really knew me their friends and family will reject them. They will think “I am disgusting, broken or dirty”.

9. Children worry that their parents will feel guilty if they could not protect them; other people will blame their parents.

10. Fear the abuser will be put in prison; will get hurt or killed.

11. Children may think what is the point, nothing will change or it will only make it worse. For instance, Laurie was about 12 when she told her mother that her brother was molesting her and her mother said “it is your problem handle it.” So Laurie lived with a chair under her door until she could leave home.

12. At first a child may be confused. They may ask themselves: Is it really happening? Is it wrong? They may think this is normal. They may believe they are only one experiencing this. They believe they deserved it, it was their fault they did something that caused this or they are being punished for something they did. Finally, they are ashamed to admit they enjoyed the sexual stimulation or they loved the affection, warmth and attention.

So now the question becomes what we can do as an individual, a friend or family member to encourage children and adult survivors to come forward and share their secret.

Educate your children about appropriate sexual behavior and what constitutes unwanted or uncomfortable physical contact. Tell them that it is always safe for them to come to you. You will believe them. Help children practice responses to potentially dangerous situations. Tell them they have a right to decide how and when anyone can touch them.

You can help the adult in your life. Do not say it is in the past get over it. Do not scold or shame them. Do not suggest it was their fault. Instead listen with compassion, validate their pain and remember they need to work at their own pace. It could take a year or it could take 40 years. You need to create a climate that is safe for them to take the journey.

Finally, Challenge the media or advertising when they sexualize children! Support legislation that mandates we teach safe touch in schools! Ask what policies and protocols are in place at school, work or your religious institution! If you suspect abuse you must report it! Tell the doctor, the police, call your local protection agency or 1 800 25 ABUSE, the National Child Abuse Hotline.

If you want to share your story/secret I encourage you to join my challenge. Transform Abuse One Story at a Time. In the next year I want 100,000 courageous men and women to share their truth through creative expression; it can be a poem, a story, a piece of art, music or dance. By sharing your story you can take back your power. Break free of guilt and shame. Release the negative voices in your head. Connect with others in an authentic way.

If you are looking for a loving and supportive mentor who has walked this dark and scary path herself as a guide; apply for a free discovery session. You do not need to be an artist. No creative experience is necessary, only a willingness to play, explore and experiment. Apply at www.thehealedheart.com. 

The Essence of Who I Am 

You hurt my soul, you broke my heart 

I curled up into myself and became small and insignificant 

I was sure I was unlovable, defective and unworthy 

Afraid of my secret shame, 

My cry for help a mere whisper 

Till I found my voice 

SCRIBBLE THE PAIN, DRAW OUT THE HURT, COLLAGE THE FEAR, DANCE THE ANGER, JOURNAL THE SADNESS, TELL MY STORY 

Transformation, a healed heart 

I am enough, I am loveable, I am whole and complete 

I am strong and courageous 

I take a stand and boldly declare 

I am a magnificent living work of art 

A creation song of love, joy and possibility 

Rae Luskin is an artist, teacher, author and community activist and a sexual abuse survivor. She is available for speaking and workshops. Find out more at www.raeluskin.net. Special price for ART FOR MY HEART now $16 plus shipping.

The Case of Nikki LaDue January

By Dennis Griffin

Nichole LaDue January was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head on the balcony of her third floor condo in Pass Christian, Mississippi, shortly before 10 a.m. on July 29, 2002. Rigor and lividity indicated that the 30-year-old had been dead for several hours. Her death was ruled a suicide. 

Nikki had been married for less than two years to Phil January, and both worked at the Grand Casino in Gulfport, LA. According to Nikki’s friends, Phil was a jealous and controlling husband. Her co-workers told the LaDue family that their formerly fun-loving daughter had become a loner, afraid to socialize on breaks because Phil had spies watching her. However, she did have something wonderful in her life – a five-year-old son, Zachary, from a previous marriage. She loved Zack with all her heart. At the time of her death, Nikki was at a point of transition. Phil had suddenly decided they should relocate to Bossier City, LA, where he had found a job with Boomtown Casino’s security department working under his former boss at the Grand. Nikki had stayed behind to orchestrate the move. She told Phil that on July 29 he should drive to Pass Christian, rent a U-Haul and move the family’s belongings to Bossier City. She’d have everything ready to go. Nikki and Zack would then drive to Fort Lauderdale in Nikki’s car to spend a week with the LaDues. They would then join Phil in Louisiana.

However, Nikki had a different plan known to only a few people. She believed her marriage to Phil was over and she had no intention of joining him in Louisiana. She and Zack were going to remain with her family in Florida and start a new life there.  According to friends who knew of Nikki’s plans, she seemed both exhilarated and nervous. She was excited about going to live with her parents, but she also seemed scared. She and Zack slept at a friend’s place because she was afraid to spend nights alone in the condo. She also asked a male friend to show her how to use a pistol, because she wanted to be able to protect herself. That seemed to be an odd request since Nikki was known to be terrified of guns.  On July 28, the day before Phil was to arrive with the U-Haul, Nikki apparently decided to treat herself to a preview of her new life as a single woman.

She deposited Zack with a sitter and went on a date. She and her new friend, Eric, went to a club and then to his apartment, where he introduced her to some of his friends. From there they went to a sports bar. 

Meanwhile, Phil’s calls were piling up on Nikki’s voice mail. He even placed a frantic call to one of Nikki’s friends at work to find out where Nikki was. At about 8 pm, Nikki looked at her watch and exclaimed that she had to make a call immediately. She refused to use Eric’s cell and called from a pay phone. When she returned to the table she was visibly shaken and stated she had to leave right away. That was the last time Eric saw her alive, though they did speak one final time at 12:30 am, when she called his cell phone to swear him to secrecy about their day together. Nikki collected Zack and returned to the condo.

The calls from Phil continued, eighteen in all. Phil subsequently identified those calls, made between 11 pm and 2:30 am, as a lover’s spat. He told police that he said some hurtful things to Nikki that might have caused her to search the condo for his gun so she could take her own life. Months later, the detective in charge of the case told Nikki’s family that this statement by Phil was the basis for his conclusion of suicide.

According to Nikki’s family, Phil also told police that he was a 20- year veteran of the police force in Wichita Falls, Texas. They contend that was a total lie and that Phil was never employed by any police department in Texas. When one of Nikki’s friends arrived at the condo at around 9:30 am on the 29th to help load the U-Haul, she was let in by Zack. He said his mother was sleeping in the bedroom. The friend said she searched the condo twice for Nikki, but never looked out on the balcony. Minutes later Phil arrived and discovered Nikki’s body.

Nikki’s family has questions about the police investigation and the ruling that Nikki committed suicide. They include: Phil never provided proof of his whereabouts the night of July 28, or explained why he blocked the phone records from showing where he was calling Nikki from. They believe he might have been en route to Mississippi, but it is possible that he was already there and Nikki didn’t know it;  Nikki was found in a chair with her right knee held by the table in front of her and her left leg down. Phil, the person who found her, has stated in writing, “The gun was sitting beside her on a small padded wicker stool with rod-iron railing.” However, the police photo shows the pistol on the chair, under Nikki’s left thigh. They wonder how Nikki was able to shoot herself in the temple and then place the pistol under her thigh;

On the table next to Nikki’s body was a pack of her Marlboro Medium 100’s. But they were to her left, not to the right where a right-handed person would normally place them. On the far side of the table was a pack of Marlboro Red 100’s with a lighter beside them. This second pack could indicate the presence of another person; There was also a portable phone, face down on the table, covered with blood.

A pathologist was hired to do a private autopsy and told the LaDue family that Nikki died instantly. If so, who bloodied the telephone? The police failed to collect the phone or lighter as evidence; The bullet that entered Nikki’s right temple exited through a tiny hole above her left ear. Allegedly it then hit the wall 5 feet 6 inches from the floor and 18 inches to Nikki’s left, ricocheted into the aluminum doorframe on the same wall, and then bounced back to land in a chair on the next balcony.

Police took no scene photos to document those facts. It seems strange that the exit wound was so small that three different funeral directors were unable to locate it, yet the bullet continued to travel at such a speed as to hit a wall, travel to the door frame, and have enough momentum left to fly back over Nikki’s head and land on a balcony six feet away. There is no police diagram of the path of the bullet, just a verbal description; and: would Nikki take her own life while the 5-year-old son whom she adored was in the same apartment?  Would she leave him all alone knowing he could possibly discover her body?

The family doesn’t believe she would have. For the LaDues, the questions are many, but the answers are few.

The case of Nikki LaDue January was discussed on Crime Wire Radio, Tuesday, March 15.  Her mother Bonnie was a guest.

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