Happy New Year!

Happy New Year from Everyone in the "Time's Up!" Network!

A New Year…A New You

By: Gaétane Borders

I stopped making New Year's resolutions a number of years ago because they just didn't work for me. Add to that the feeling of failure at year's end... Who needs that? So instead, I use the end of a year t to reflect on choices that I made throughout the past 12 months, and to evaluate what worked...and what didn't. A year ago, I vowed that in the new year I would not waste time on things that did not bring me joy. I realized that I was spread thin, and that I was putting up with circumstances and people that were simply not good for me. So....I gave myself an emotional cleanse. Meaning, I vowed to do better about appreciating my time, value, and purpose.

It seemed awkward at first, but one single event helped to catapult me in the right direction. On January 12, 2010, CNN reported that a 7.0 magnitude earthquake had all but leveled the island of Haiti...my parents' birthplace It was a tragedy that horrified the nation, and forever changed me. I cried for weeks, and even broke down at work on a few occasions. But...as terrible as this natural disaster was...it did help me to solidify a few things.

1. True friends are there for you when you need them the most...Not when it's
convenient for them.
2. You never know how resilient you are until you face a traumatic experience.
3. No day is promised, so you have to live life so that you have no regrets.

After grasping the meaning of these realizations, I began the process of true self-reflection. It was hard letting go of certain thoughts, behaviors and relationships. However, sometimes you just need to purify your spirit in order to be a better you. Just as if I had a medical cleanse, I feel lighter, energized, and healthier. As a result, I believe I am a better wife, psychologist...and mommy.

I encourage everyone to take stock of the relationships and circumstances in their life. Just because things may have gone awry in years past does not mean you have to carry this negative energy into the new year. Purging ourselves of all most things negative is sure to be a challenging and continuous process for all of us. Though the process may not be easy, the end result is well worth it.

I look forward to sharing with you in the new year, and am eager to see what's in store for all of us. Here's to a happy, peaceful, abuse free, and prosperous 2011... CHEERS!

Happy New Year,
Gaétane F. Borders, Ed.S., ABD
President, Peas in Their Pods

"Quiet Hero"

Once in a while there comes along an important story that needs to be told.  "Quiet Hero" by Rita Cosby is one of those stories.

Most of us know Rita Cosby from her journalistic appearances on all the major news networks, anchoring prime time news reports and currently as a correspondent for the popular show, Inside Edition.  Her first book, "Blonde Ambition" about the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith, was a New York Times Best Seller.

"An Emmy-award winning journalist, Rita Cosby hosted the top-rated show on MSNBC, "Rita Cosby: Live & Direct." She also hosted Fox New Channel's highly rated programs, "Fox News Live with Rita Cosby" and "The Big Story Weekend Edition with Rita Cosby." Some of her groundbreaking interviews include: an exclusive interview with Slobodan Milosevic while he was imprisoned at The Hague; an exclusive interview with Yasser Arafat when his compound was under siege; she was the first journalist to see the suspected terrorists held at Guantanamo and witness an actual interrogation; and a rare, private meeting with Pope John Paul II after receiving an exclusive letter from Timothy McVeigh explaining why he carried out the Oklahoma City bombing. Having interviewed more than a dozen world leaders and four US Presidents, she also made headlines for her interviews with Michael Jackson, David Berkowitz and Dr. Jack Kevorkian. She has been a featured guest on hundreds of television and radio shows worldwide and earned her two bachelors' degrees from the University of South Carolina."

Of all of the news stories reported by Rita Cosby, her latest is the one that will be the best remembered, her legacy.  Like many of us, her father and family members did not do a lot of explaining to a young child about experiences in World War II, it was taken for granted that something happened on a grand scale, we studied about it in school, but at home, there was an accepted silence, it wasn't talked about.

Rita Cosby's parents divorced when she was a teenager and she lost the relationship with her father for many years.  Not until after her mother died did she make a conscious decision to rebuild the relationship that had been severed.  She discovered among her mother's belongings a tattered tan suitcase, which when opened, exposed the memories of a man whose life was as important as many of the world leaders Cosby had interviewed.

"Quiet Hero" poignantly recounts the realities of her father's years as a member of the Resistance in wartime Poland, his homeland a battleground, Richard Cosby was determined to fight to the end.  His experience as a prisoner in a German POW camp and his rescue by American forces, is chilling, especially for a young man still in his teens.

That's not the whole story, as told by Rita Cosby to Susan Murphy Milano, Guest Host of The Roth Show, on  December 29.  Rita tells listeners about the special bond she now knows with the father that was absent from her life and how they have reconnected in a very special way.  Of all the leaders and celebrities in the stories which Rita Cosby has covered over the years, the "Quiet Hero" was right in her own family, told from the point of view of a daughter learning the truth after so many years of silence.

Listen to Rita Cosby:

Voir Dire, Oh Dear!

By Donna R. Gore, M.A.

(Instructions in the Voir Dire Criminal Jury Process- Judicial Branch State of Connecticut)

“In a moment I will excuse you from the courtroom. Then each of you will be invited back into the courtroom one by one. (Author’s emphasis) You will be seated in the witness box and each of the lawyers will ask you question. If you do not understand the question, just say so and the lawyer will re-state it for you. Remember please, there are no right or wrong answers to these questions. In response to each question, simply give your honest response. That is all that is needed. The purpose of this questioning process is to permit the lawyers to and their clients to decide if they wish you to be a juror in this particular case.

Before I excuse you, the attorneys will introduce themselves and each of them will make brief comments to you. They will read you a list of names of people who are in some way connected to this case, or who may come before the court as a witness. Listen carefully to the list to see if you know any of them. If you do, do not talk to others about it, but let me know when you come back on your own.

While you are under consideration as a juror in this case, do not discuss the case or reasons why you cannot serve with the others on the voir dire panel. There will be (six/twelve) jurors and two alternate jurors selected for this case.” 



The above instructions are supposedly written as if spoken/written by the presiding judge and written in a concrete and generic manner such that all prospective jurors can understand. (However, this author could argue that it could be written with better quality and clarity.) (i.e. “Let me know when you come back on your own…..” could be clarified to state, “Please inform me when you return to be questioned individually, that you may know one of the participants”.

No matter, this is not a writer’s guide and it is well known attorneys are more accustomed to writing legislative gobbledygook.

I digress from the point, that these instructions are very unique regarding voir dire procedures. *** In fact, the State of Connecticut in its most judicial and thorough manner decided long ago to be the only state in the country that guarantees each attorney the right to question potential jurors individually in State Court trials rather than the more efficient “group of box voir dire” procedure.

Connecticut has the unenviable reputation for having the slowest jury process among all 50 states. (CT General Statutes 54-82f guarantees the right to examine “… each juror outside the presence of other jurors.” Although group voir dire has been used in Federal cases or private practice since 2004, there has been an apprehension to change the statutory guarantee of juror questioning in isolation. In addition, it is extremely expensive and inefficient.

Well known Connecticut Criminal Defense Attorney, Norm Pattis, a defender of the underdog and down trodden defendants writes about this process in the CT Law Tribune, January 2010.

He refers to the trial involving my friend and fellow homicide survivor, Dr. Bill Petit, Jr. Attorney Pattis states, “Ice is melting in a New Haven Courtroom and the world has turned out to watch… Potential jurors will be summoned to court, indoctrinated, and then subjected to questioning by each side. Jury selection alone could take months.” (Author’s Note: In fact, jury selection began on January 19, 2010 and ended on June 2nd. )

In addition to juror selection in isolation, other defendant imposed delays contributed to the torturous process for the Petit family and Connecticut citizenry.

Ne’er do well, hopelessly misunderstood and desperately drug addicted (or wanting to be drugged) defendant Hayes thought he could call the shots and manipulate the system, even requesting to “skip jury selection.” The epitome of arrogance! In the end, he could not.

The first delay occurred on Feb. 1, when Hayes was found unconscious in his prison cell after taking an overdose of prescription medication. Hayes' attorneys argued that his living conditions in prison were "inhumane," with a subsequent hearing held about the defense allegations.

On March 15, jury selection resumed, but was suspended again when Judge Blue ordered a mental health exam to determine whether Hayes was competent to stand trial. Once the court deemed he was competent, lawyers began selecting jurors again in early April. As of June 2nd, a total of 48 selection days, a panel of 12 regular jurors, six alternates, and two backup alternates were selected.

In the mix there were jurors who were excused… and even a brief hospital stay for the judge for which he profusely apologized. Prosecutors began presenting evidence in the case Sept. 13.

According to newspaper accounts, in the Steven Hayes trial, attorneys for the prosecution and defense were each allowed 38 peremptory challenges (Objections to retain the juror). Public defenders used 30 challenges while prosecutors used 29. When interviewed, Dr. Petit offered that in his opinion, 25 to 30 excellent jurors were excused in the process.

Getting back to the voire dire process itself… those who support this notion of sequestering and questioning individual juror done by one state that the potential juror, “would not be as candid” in their response if they were subjected to group observation. Another supposed reason is that a prospective juror may “make a declaration that taints the panel.”

Attorney Pattis and others beg to differ stating, “… Examining jurors in a setting where they can share their views with their peers is just as likely to foster candor. Those with sensitive issues to raise can always request a sidebar… better serving the juror’s privacy.” Attorney Pattis’ solution is to repeal the legislation or amend the state constitution.

As a homicide survivor, I have not been totally exempted from mailings and the initial jury selection process. I have been told that I could be requested to serve on a civil jury versus a criminal case if I made it through the voir dire process.

(Whether a violent crime survivor should be considered for any type of jury is a topic for another blog and serves to expose the inefficiencies of their computer systems, sharing of information and lists upon which they draw names, such as the Department of Motor Vehicles, and voter registration.)

During my last voir dire experience, when it was learned that I was a homicide survivor involving a defendant who was accused of robbery, (as was the current defendant,) a peremptory challenge was issued by the defense. My excusal may have been for other reasons such as not giving the “true answer” to the difference between “being innocent and being found not guilty.”

Upon reflection, I know the difference. However, while seated in the witness box, it sounded like a trick question to me… Perhaps I was excused as I volunteered to the judge in good conscience that although I wanted to perform my duty, my future career goal was to be a Victim Advocate by occupation… which clearly draws the line in the sand as to which side you lean toward.

What about the financial cost of juror participation? In Connecticut, if you are employed full time, your employer must pay you your regular wages for the first five days of jury service (anything more than 30 hours per week.) If you do not work full time, the State must pay you up to $50.00 per day for out of pocket expenses (with proper documentation) for the first five days of jury service only.

Starting on the sixth day of service, the state pays all jurors $50.00 per day and each subsequent day of service.

Let’s see, including the court costs, initial enormous jury pool, that’s 48 selection days X 12 jurors and two alternates. Whew! No wonder the State of Connecticut is in severe deficit!

As for the length, and content of actual questioning, it could be pared down in scope of to exclude, for example, questioning about the occupations of all family members.

Formulating questions to get biases can be a slippery slope. Only those most obvious are ever revealed in the span of time given. Jurors may intentionally make biased statements in hopes of being excused immediately. However, judicial personnel are not easily fooled. Those preemptory challenges are used strategically.

There are many criminal justice reforms that were put on the legislative books following the 2007 home invasion case. Some strides have been made, but a majority of those reforms have been “put on hold” as our state dipped into those funds and essentially has been “robbing Peter to pay Paul” for other programs. Will voir dire be on the priority list of changes with a new Governor at the helm? It is doubtful, as there are other more pressing needs…

We have new language to refer to criminal justice actions in Connecticut. Whether in the marble laden halls and cherry wood meeting rooms of the Legislative Office Building, on street corners or in our hometown newspapers, the term is “before/after Cheshire”, the countrified, sleepy, affluent little town once the home of this author and more recently by the Petit family (in addition to a series of Connecticut Correctional facilities) will have this indelible reputation. Such a legacy no one could have foretold….

Are we serving the best interest of families personally encountering homicide in Connecticut with our current voir dire system? Do we serve those who will be subjected to this system in the future?

Justice delayed… is justice denied when we wait for months and years to have our day in court.


Donna R. Gore, M. A.

Homicide Survivor in Connecticut

The Dangers Of Using Date Of Birth on Missing Love One’s Posters

By Cynthia Caron

It is very stressful and difficult for a family when their loved one becomes missing. Many times the first thought is to get a poster made and start hanging in the neighborhood. This is a good thing, however, it is not a wise situation to place a missing loved one’s date of birth on a missing poster, internet banner or website. While this has been standard practice for many years, LostNMissing Inc. is trying to change that practice.

At LostNMissing, we never post publicly our missing loved one’s date of birth. We believe it is an easy target for someone to steal the identity of a missing person. At the same time, it can literally throw an investigation off in the wrong direction.

Let’s take for example when an adult becomes missing. For one, the police sometimes have the mentality that “adults have the right to go missing” and shouldJane Doe go missing from Colorado, and her identity becomes stolen and credit card purchases start happening in Ohio, it can waste valuable time on behalf of the police in having to prove if in fact that is Jane Doe. Worse, they may simply tell the family that “your daughter is alive and well and living in Ohio and because she is an adult and has the right to go missing we are going to close the case.” Can you imagine?

I do not understand the point in putting someone’s date of birth on the missing poster. Their age, yes. Absolutely. Should a loved one be missing for a couple of years, one could update the poster with Jane Doe, 22 at time of missing in 2008. Age 24 in 2010. That is all that is needed. I especially become very concerned when I see children who are missing and their posters contain their date of birth! They are the easiest targets of all due to their “clean credit history.” Let’s hope police agencies and other missing organizations take notice and consider the practice of not adding date of births.


Cynthia L. Caron
President/Founder
LostNMissing, Inc
Cell: 603-548-6548
Office: 603-965-4621
www.lostnmissing.com

Giving The Gift of Compassion

By Susie Kroll

 Bruises.  Emotional scars.  Depression.  Self-loathing.  Black eyes.  Shame.  Educating about Teen Dating Violence is a messy business.  No matter what, no matter how early I catch a child, I still meet victims.  They are either secondary victims of domestic violence in their household or they have already been a victim of teen dating violence.  The youngest that I spoke with was 10.  Her elementary school boyfriend shoved her for talking to her friends at recess instead of him. 

I know that the key to ending domestic violence and teen dating violence is combining reaction with pro-action.  We, as a society need to provide the means for victims to get safe, get help, and move on.  We need to punish abusers with more than a slap on the wrist.  We need to educate our teens and children so they know the signs of a potentially harmful relationship.  Then they can make safer, stronger, better choices for their future relationships and avoid needing these services at all.

I find myself pondering what parents can do besides educating their children and trying to foster the best possible healthy relationship example at home.  So what can we do?  What could help? Especially during the holidays, the word that comes to mind for me is compassion.  Compassion feeds the soul, saves the heart, and makes life easier for those whom it is given to.  

When I was growing up, one of the “requirements” for the holidays was to give to something, someone, somehow.  That didn’t mean a friend, family, or spouse.  It meant to a shelter, charity, bell ringer, Toys for Tots, or someone else in need.  The giving was either in the form of time or money.  As a high school student, I enjoyed working with the Festival of Trees and yearly food drives.  As I have gotten older, domestic violence shelters, cancer research, and literacy have also become a priority in my gift giving.  This “requirement” has become so much more rewarding and something that I look forward to doing every year.  It is no longer a requirement but a pleasure and I am grateful to my parents for teaching me this valuable lesson in caring. 

Parents can foster compassion in their children in many ways.  One of the most vivid for me was being reminded that I was lucky and shouldn’t take for granted, my home, family, or the fact that I had food on the table.  What better way to teach compassion than to teach teens and children to give of themselves to others less fortunate.  Buying a gift for Toys for Tots was just as important as giving a gift to my grandparents or parents.  It is easy, in this day and age to be focused on the latest and greatest technology, music, fashion or fulfilling any other self-want.  This is when it becomes even more important to slow down and be grateful for what you already have.  Someone will always be in a more difficult situation than you. 

Maybe everyone can start a new tradition this year or next.  When the holidays come around, find a giving tree, buy a gift for Toys for Tots, or donate your time to a local charity or shelter.  Make the gift of compassion and charity just as important as your list of gifts to give to family and friends.  You don’t have to save the entire world all at once.  But, small steps and efforts can lead to miles of change.

  

This may not be the single most effective way to end domestic violence or teen dating violence, but I do believe that it factors into being a well-rounded, decent human being.  Give to give not just to receive.  Give to those less fortunate; give even if it hurts a little.  I don’t advocate bankrupting yourself but if you can spare twenty dollars for the bell ringer or charity of your choice, do it.  A little self-sacrifice for those in need goes a lot further than 3 lattes for you.  It will pay in karma and soul.   Happy Holidays and even happier giving.

The Magical Illusion of Christmas

By Susan Murphy Milano

Every year my mother made a big deal about Christmas from planning out what color to make the eyes on the gingerbread cookies, to the day she, my brother, and myself would go downtown to Marshall Fields department store for our annual Santa visit and photo. The bright lights and holiday decorations lining downtown store windows and street lamps always made me forget, if only for a moment, our lives were anything but bright and hopeful.

I have to give my mother credit, as difficult as our daily fight for survival was, she did the best she could to create happy memories for us. Sometimes, the holiday did not turn out as planned and we ended up on Christmas morning in the emergency room as she received medical attention from injuries caused by my father. My little brother and I viewed stuffing every pocket in our coat and pants with candy canes while at the hospital as a cool thing. Instead of opening presents, like we watched in movies, we went back to the house with a cup of hot chocolate and whip cream prepared with love.

Hope was always a magical illusion, it did not matter if it was Christmas or not. The days and months always felt as if they were all lumped in to a never ending road of unpredictable behavior by a man authorized with a gun and a badge to protect the streets of Chicago, while hiding behind the closed door of our home like a coward, only to terrorize and harm his own family. In our house you told time by the changing of seasons and what you needed to wear before heading out the door. During the holidays it was the one time of year that I didn't wish anything from the Sears catalog that would arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. If Santa was real, then just maybe he would find us a nice safe place like I remembered watching in the movie Miracle on 34th Street, where we could hang our stockings and live happily, with my brother and mom, far away from my father, forever.

Growing up, my brother and I never really counted on much and making plans for anything was wishful thinking. More than fifty years later, I have no closure, just an acceptance of the violent events that would eventually hijack my mothers life. The last memory of her is 10 feet away from the oven where we baked Christmas cookies, throughout the kitchen her blood spilled over onto the once bright yellow pattern on the floor tiles where my brother and I once sat anxiously waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. In the bedroom a couple hundred feet away, dead from a self inflicted gun shot, my father, who had taken from me the only love I knew, my mother. Although not visible to the human eye, there is a tattoo etched deep inside of me, a permanent scar from a battle I would rather forget.

The effects of the violence would follow me into my own world as an adult, a secret I kept hidden from friends, colleagues and relationships. Suddenly, my secret was out, unwillingly I was a victim and a survivor of a life I did not ask for nor chose as my life's journey. In 1988, my parents divorced and the holidays were around the corner. My mother and I spent the Christmas holidays together, the first without my father and the last one without my mother. I rang in the new year with a feeling of hope that we could finally move forward with our lives.

Abruptly, in 1989, after their deaths, I left a successful business career for a world that provided little, if any, hope and assistance to abuse victims and their children.

I did not realize when I began working with victims of intimate partner abuse, my world would be an important life raft for safety in keeping others alive. Over a decade of running a national agency and providing direct services, I began to incorporate strategies like no other in the country, as the agencies were not familiar with the battleground I knew intimately. Service providers and agencies were layered by politics and paperwork with government forms and numbers instead of thinking outside the box, a box that never belonged there in the first place if lives were to be saved.

This rigid box of "rules and restrictions" are what often kicks the safety and services of a victim to the streets and back to the violence. Yes, a woman returns to the abuser numerous times before she leaves but its also because the family courts and services are either limited or dysfunctional. And all too often it is based on income she makes too much, too little or there is not enough funding available for what is required. Ironically, the funding issues in my world were never an obstacle in keeping victims alive. With little or no resources, each person I assisted did not die. Instead, they moved forward with their lives, most went back to school to obtain degrees others found paying jobs as the sole support of the household turning their lives around minus the threat of violence. I think it was because I took the time with them, something I noticed from the begining that was not happening when a victim reached out for help.

I learned from being in the trenches and providing hands on services combined with making time to explain to victims-- meant the difference between life and death. I would go beyond the sterile basic information and red tape of guidlelines set by funders and various government agencies, people who were and continue to do so today, more concerned with tabulating stats of human lives that amounted to nothing more then entering useless garbage into a data base that had nothing to do with safety or leaving and never returning to the abuse or the system for help. One cannot effectively assist a victim of intimate partner by sitting behind a desk when they have never left the comfort of their offices, when they have never been inside the real world of sheer terror and violence that victims endure daily. Often placing victims in something labeled a shelter, government funded that does not in many ways meet the needs of victims. As I have always said like our own DNA no two cases of abuse are alike.

The days of placing a bandage on intimate partner violence, as though it were a boo-boo, are over. When a system does what it has always done, the results will be the same. It did not work out for women like my mother, unable to speak today, because they were silenced in the prime of their lives, murdered in cold blood.

As we enter the year 2011, know that the death toll across the country for those who lose their lives because of intimate partner violence does not have to be a predictable outcome in some hardwired data base, ultimately marked by a cemetary headstone as in years past. A child no longer has to acompany their mother to the emergency room on Christmas morning filling their pockets with candy canes in a cold waiting room as the doctors stich their mothers head or set a broken limb and sent back out into uncertainty and fear that the next time they might not be so lucky.

In the new year I would like everyone who reads this to join me in ending the abuse. How, you ask? Each time a news story about a victim who was killed comes across your facebook page or you read about a case in the Huffington post, AOL News, Google, Newsvine, USA Today, the Examiner, The Washington Post, New York Times or see it on Nancy Grace, Fox News, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the Oprah Show, Dr. Phil, NPR Radio or any number of news programs send them a brief paragraph about the book Time's Up and that these cases no longer have to be tragic. That women such as Susan Powell, Stacy Peterson, Vensus Stewart, Angel Downs, Renee' Pernice, Kathleen Savio and others if killed their words will speak from the grave in a court a court of law. The person responsible will be arrested.

The upside is that this book saves lives. The mothers, sisters, girlfriends and children currently living in fear who live in harms way each and every day need this book the most. It is up to us to see that the information and knowledge is in their hands.

And to ensure every domestic violence agency, court building, library, church, community center, hospital, business and school has a copy of the book Time's Up: A Guide on How to leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships. And for a domestic violence provider, social worker, first responder, government agency, school, business or individual who says that cannot afford it? You can not afford not too!

Time's UP !!!

From the site www.victimadvocates.blogspot.com:

Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.......Diane Fanning, Author

Susan Murphy Milano is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education. She is an expert on intimate partner violence and homicide crimes. For more information visithttp://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/ She is the author of "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships," available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and wherever books are sold.

Susan is the host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show, "Time's Up!" on Here Women Talk http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated The Roth Show with Dr. Laurie Roth http://www.therothshow.com/

Triggers and Knee Jerk Reactions During the Holidays

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

The holidays are stressful under the best of situations. Add to it a dangerous and pathological relationships and you can have a prescription for **guaranteed** unhappiness.

The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity to recontact you--of
course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas." If you haven't already,do read The Institute's materials regarding our 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact! He has a million hooks he will use to get you back in...here's one!

Christmas!

A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook. A Christmas Card is not a mass card to everyone--it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift--it's a mannipulation because being the good mannered girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone....and it all goes down hill from there.

Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Years Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents....

The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr. Opportunistic.

The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/card/call, you have just taught him where your loop hole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear " I'm Lonely! Come snuggle with me." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"

Ladies, Christmas is ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories.  Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together then" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? One night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift doesn't make a pathological man stable!

Get out of the fantasy. Christmas has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of his positive behavior and his lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit Christmas season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for
him to hook you.

If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate.

Don't react. Have a great Christmas while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.

You know one of the things we found out in our research? You ladies tested unbelieveably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about?

SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing thru your veins?

One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.

I have 'lectured' our readers about loneliness because this 4 inch stack on research sitting on my desk that you
ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce
loneliness. Plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely is not an excuse for starting something that will once again
destroy your life!"

Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!


Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.  http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Angels and Autobots

By Heidi Hiatt

“We are not alone, are we?”

In the trailer for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, mission control asks astronaut Neil Armstrong this question as he and Buzz Aldrin investigate a crashed spacecraft on the lunar surface. The camera dives into the wreckage where we see an old Autobot lying lifeless—until one of his eyes lights up. Clearly, in this version of the Apollo 11 mission, we are not alone.

Giddy with excitement for this third installation in the Transformers movie franchise, I had to ask myself what it is about giant robots that change into vehicles that so many millions of people find appealing. Speaking for myself, I joke that Optimus Prime is my ideal man. He’s loyal, he’s dignified, he’s protective, and he’s zen until he has to fight. Then he fights with ferocity, and for the right reasons. He also has nice guns, and you gotta love those baby blues.

There’s no such thing as Transformers, though, right? Aren’t they pure fantasy, an extension of a childhood cartoon series that has been morphed into a trio of successful action flicks? Many people would argue that they’re just good entertainment, and that there’s no equivalent to Transformers in real life.

But there are. We are not alone. It is naïve of us humans to think that we are the only life form in the universe just because we don’t physically see anyone else. If we could flip some sort of metaphysical light switch, we would see them standing right next to us.

The word for them in the Bible is messengers. They are ministering spirits, servants of God, sent to do His work. Christmas is a great time to discuss the mysterious beings called angels because angels played such a huge role in the Christmas story.

The archangel Gabriel visited Zachariah to tell him that he and his wife Elizabeth would have a son. Six months after John the Baptist was conceived, Gabriel appeared to Elizabeth’s cousin Mary and told her she would have a son, Jesus. When she became expectant without any rational explanation, her fiancée Joseph was warned by an angel, in a dream, not to divorce her.

When the child was born, an angel suddenly appeared to shepherds near Bethlehem telling them of the joyous event. He was soon joined by a great many jubilant angels. Thirty-three years later, at dawn on a Sunday morning, two angels would ask Jesus’ friends why they were looking for the living among the dead when they visited a recently vacated tomb.

Into the threads of God’s Word are woven many accounts of these heavenly messengers. While only two are named, Gabriel and Michael, it seems that the angels might be as varied and diverse as we are. They come in a variety of forms, and Hebrews tells us to be kind to strangers, because we have entertained them without knowing it. As with their cinematic counterparts, there can be more to them than meets the eye.

Ezekiel described fabulous creatures with multiple eyes and wings, with wheels and fire and animal features. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego stood in a furnace with a man that Nebuchadnezzar described as a “son of God”. Genesis tells of an angel with a flaming sword flashing back and forth placed east of Eden to prevent man’s reentry.

Abraham and Sarah were visited by three men who assured them they would have a son in spite of their old age. Gideon had quite the dialogue with either an angel or God Himself before he fulfilled his destiny. An angel was with Daniel in the lion’s den.

Like the Transformers, they were created before us, and the Bible tells us that there are both good and bad angels. In the Transformers mythology, there are good guys, the Autobots, and bad guys, the Decepticons.

Angels and Autobots. Demons and Decepticons. I don’t want to equate Transformers with angels, but the comparison is interesting. They had a common origin but chose to go radically different ways, like real angels. Even the names of some of the Decepticons remind me of Judeo-Christian tradition, like Megatron and The Fallen.

C.S. Lewis tells us that “of all created beings the wickedest is one who originally stood in the immediate presence of God.” The darkness once known as Lucifer was a dazzlingly beautiful angel who became jealous of His creator and led a rebellion against Him. We are told that he and the third of the angelic host that followed him were cast to earth like a bolt of lightning. The first few chapters of Genesis give us some idea of some disturbing and unnatural things that happened after that. Combined with our free will, those events altered the course of our race, making a savior necessary.

Like the Decepticons, fallen angels are hell-bent on their own agenda. They are constantly trying to interfere with the Creator and His beloved creations. They operate in stealthy ways that have billions of people scoffing at the notion that they or He are real. As Kevin Spacey’s character in The Usual Suspects said, the greatest trick the devil ever played on the world is convincing them that he doesn’t exist. Ronald Knox said that it is stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

As in the Transformers movies, there really is a war between good and evil going on. Our lives are a series of choices between selfishness and selflessness, a sometimes seemingly constant struggle of what’s easy versus what’s right. Both sides have undercover agents operating to achieve their agenda, one side to deceive and conquer, and the other to protect, strengthen, and liberate. The evil ones know that they can’t win and so desperately try to snatch as many of God’s children from His arms as they can in the time they have left.

We ask why there seems to be an increase in evil in the world when man should be more enlightened and cultured than ever before. Perhaps there are forces at work besides us humans. If you are skeptical that our universe really could be that multi-layered, or are unsure that evil exists, then talking to a crime victim might help convince you. Many victims have looked straight into the dark eyes of someone who is entertaining or has succumbed to the losing team.

We are told not to fear, as author Frank Peretti calls it in his bestseller involving angels, this present darkness. An infinitely greater force is at work, and He said that He will “command His angels concerning you” (Psalm 91, also quoted by Jesus in the New Testament). While the Accuser—for that is what his name means—chips away at our hopes, our dreams, and our self-worth, God is on His throne, unfettered by time and space, working on our behalves.

While it is clear that we are not to pray to, worship, or deify His messengers, we know that they exist. They’re His servants, not ours. We know that the authentic ones, the good guys, always do His will and go by the Book. Any deviation from the Manufacturer’s Handbook signals a counterfeit.

Sometimes we wonder where they are, or where God is, when horrific and unconscionable events happen, and I don’t have answers to those questions. I do know that many of us can recall at least one time in our lives when we were sure that we were protected in a way that defies physical law.

Like the subject of C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, someday when we graduate to the next level, we will meet the very angels that now stand sentry on our front fenders, who sit on our roofs at night, and who silently walk next to our children on the way to school. We will realize that they were there far more often than we thought.

So to those who find themselves wishing for their very own Autobot to hide in plain sight and transform into a formidable protector when evil comes calling, know that such guardians do exist. While it is not important that we know their names or skill sets, it is comforting to know that we are not alone.

Maybe this is why some of us like the Transformers movies. It’s possible that the fascination with these giant, justice-driven robots stems from a deep desire to put a face on our allies. Through our sci fi fantasies we express our curiosity about who else is out there, and our imaginations can create heroes and villains similar to those that already exist.

No, we are not alone. There are others. There is so much we don’t know about them, and I’m not sure that we’re meant to know a lot about angels in this phase of our existence. We might become obsessed with them, or give them a place of honor that only God should have.

Ultimately, they are messengers that are pointing the way to Him, just like they did two thousand years ago over the hills of Judea. He is the Way, and all the angels rejoice when you find Him.

What can we know? What are we all? Poor silly half-brained things peering out at the infinite, with the aspirations of angels and the instincts of beasts.
–Arthur Conan Doyle

Who is Shannon Gilbert and Megan Waterman?

By Cynthia Caron 

The media is sometimes so full of short words and the words they use to convey a message can be biting and hurtful.  I am referencing two beautiful young women who are both missing loved ones and being tagged as “prostitutes” and “hookers” by some members of the media.  First I would like to state that while both may have made bad choices, their personal errors in judgment should not be what the public bases their opinions regarding these young woman.  They are both loved, both have families who are living a nightmare and would give anything to know that their daughters are safe, and at home.  Their families depend on you, the readers and public, to help find their missing and loved family members.

Because of the recent findings of four unidentified bodies on Gilgo Beach, in Long Island, NY, the police and media instantly jumped to the thought processes that the four unidentified women were prostitutes.  Because this was in a location that Shannon, who advertised as an escort on Craigslist, was last seen in early May 2010 and it was determined that the possibility existed that she was among one of the four.  At the same time, Megan went missing only 20 minutes away in Hauppauge, NY, in early June 2010,  and she also advertised as an escort on Craigslist.  Therefore, it was now thrust into the media that both young women may have been victims and that all four may be prostitutes. 

The media reporting of “hookers and prostitutes” is unfair to the families, and more importantly to Shannon and Megan.  While neither made good choices with choosing escorting as a means to earn money, the negative image that most people have as “hookers and prostitutes” are those who are living on the streets, may or may not have family support, are usually addicted to drugs and are beaten regularly by pimps.  Neither Megan nor Shannon lived that kind of life.  (Those who do live that kind of life need all of the possible resources available to them in order to help them. They are usually so despondent for drug money they will go to any length and are extremely vulnerable and many times have emotional and psychological traumas.  Prostitutes living on the streets need help, not scorned.)

I would like to present another side of Shannon and Megan.

Megan loves her daughter dearly.  Watching alongside her little one, she treasured the times spent watching Dora the Explorer,  Cinderella and Snow White.  Shopping for her and throwing beautiful “princess parties” was something Megan loved doing for her daughter.  She always looks forward to a family barbeque and get-together. Did you know she also loved roller skating and looked towards the days that she could teach her young daughter to skate? Or that she always looked happily towards family birthdays and loves the color pink.  Megan loves her music, is witty and always playing practical jokes on those she loves.  She has a gentle spirit, is passionate and trusting.  She would give the shirt off her back to a total stranger if they needed it.  Megan has a soft place in her heart for anyone who lived with disabilities.  She formed special bonds with all members of her family including distant cousins.  Megan loves all and is loved by all who’ve had the honor to know her.

Did you know that Shannon loves to sing and writes good poetry? She is an excellent cook and loves to give people gifts. Shannon graduated high school at the age of 16 and enrolled in Kaplan University.  She loves animals and once rescued a cat from an animal shelter that nobody else wanted. She was the peacemaker among all her friends, loves to read, loves shopping and would give away anything she owned that she could not put to good use.  She loves performing, telling jokes and laughing. Her friends and family say that Shannon cares about everyone to whom she befriends. She is a true “people person.”  She is best known by her family and friends as one who cherishes the good, forgets the bad and always treats others with respect.  Perhaps some of those so quick to judge should have some of the same attributes that both Megan and Shannon share?

Cynthia L. Caron

President/Founder

LostNMissing, Inc

Cell:  603-548-6548

Office: 603-965-4621

www.lostnmissing.com

Keeping the Christmas Spririt

By Charles Moncrief 

Maybe it’s an accident of timing, but a couple of weeks ago I read Donna Gore’s article “The Christmas Casseroles Stopped After Two Weeks.” So it’s my privilege to refer to the article, recommend it, and hopefully build on the idea expressed in it.

 

Every year the feasting at Christmas -- and all of the other winter celebrations -- is painful for those who have an empty place where a loved one had been present before. For the most part, it seems the pain is sharpest when this is one of the “firsts” experienced after the loss. You know: first anniversary alone, first Christmas alone, first birthday alone. Our hearts go out to all who, for whatever reason, must face this sadness at an otherwise joyful time of celebration. Many prayers have already been offered on their behalf.

 

Back to Donna’s article. I’m always thrilled to see the outpouring of compassion at this time of year. From Thanksgiving to Christmas many are blessed by the genuine sharing of hearts in the shelters, the hospitals, and the prisons. And what amazes me every time is that the ones sharing are blessed as much as the ones shared with.

 

Now here’s where I tread on thin ice -- if you’ll pardon my use of this term at wintertime. My heart tells me to put in a plug for this Christmas spirit to continue year-round. Remember, the battered women at shelters need help as much in July as they do in December. The same goes for all the others we reach out to at this time of year.

 

My heart says this, but my mind says such a suggestion might be received with something like “What else would you expect from a preacher?” Fair enough. But I’m out of sync with most pulpiteers when it comes to Christmas preaching. I’m as tired as you are when preachers have a field day spouting “Christmas is becoming too commercialized,” “We’ve adopted pagan customs and lost the meaning of Christmas,” etc. While many of my colleagues will criticize anything you do to celebrate Christmas, I’ll encourage you to follow your heart and enjoy Christmas the best way you know how. To encourage you to experiment with other ways is not to criticize what you’re already doing.

 

I do hope that the Spirit surrounding Christmas will stay around with everyone all year. My reason for this hope is that the joy, comfort, and healing found in this Spirit can ultimately accomplish nothing but good for anyone who chooses to keep this Spirit around.

 

Please accept my sincere wish for a joyous Christmas and the new year.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

http://charlesmoncrief.blogspot.com

Filing Sexual Assault Charges Against TSA Screeners

By Anny Jacoby

"If you don't want to go through the full body scanner and/or be subjected to a full body pat-down by the TSA then stay home."

"There are other options of travel, drive, take a train or a bus."

"I would rather go through these procedures than be blown up in a plane, if it means safer flights then I have no problem with either procedure."

I am personally so sick and tired of individuals responding to the valid objections of the recent new TSA screening that includes full body scanners and enhanced pat-downs. Believe me I am all for Homeland Security and our safety is of the utmost importance; however, TSA Screeners are MISSING weapons in carry-on luggage as reported by Brian Ross with ABC News! Isn't there something wrong with this picture?

Pamela provided an excellent piece on this subject yesterday which I personally agree with. Pamela made extremely valid points in her post.

Our choice and Fourth Amendment rights (The Fourth Amendment Amendment IV to the United States Constitution is the part of the Bill of Rights which guards against unreasonable searches and seizures.) have infact been striped away from us. What's next?

TSA pat-downs can be traumatizing and "re-traumatizing". Even John Pistole, the TSA administrator acknowledged in last week's Senate hearings that when he received one, he found it "more invasive than I'm used to." Mr. Pistole has no idea what invasive is until you've been sexually violated.

Reminder of Definition of Sexual Assault:

A sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person's body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person's consent.

You can fight back with following explicit instructions. You have rights and by "fighting back" I am referring to via the Police Departments and Sexual Assault Investigators/Detectives within the police departments, FBI and the media.

Get to the airport early.

First, calmly and respectfully tell the TSA Screener that you are objecting to the invasive body search even though you are not being given a choice to either refuse it or leave the airport.

This means that you are being forced against your will to submit. If they tell you that you must submit, then it is like a man putting a knife to your throat and giving you no choice. You are forced either way.

Make sure your verbal objections are heard and let the "pat-down" be done out in the open where it can be seen. Be sure that you obtain the TSA Screener's name mentally during the "enhanced pat-down". Make absolute sure to pay attention to the private areas of the body that have been touched for reporting. After they are done assaulting you, your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, daughter or son do the following:

Step away from the screening area, take a deep breath and dial 911 from your cell phone and report being sexually assaulted. Give the 911 dispatcher your name and location. By calling 911, the call gets sent out to whatever the city's central emergency dispatch location is. Also by placing this call the call goes around the TSA and the Airport Police and gets recorded and logged for records. This means that the police have to treat it like any other sex assault and cannot just blow you off. 911 call frequencies are also monitored by every large city's TV News Stations! Sex Crimes Detectives will be notified.

You can call 911 as the assault is happening, just make sure that the call gets through and you give a good description to the dispatcher.

Give the 911 dispatcher your name, (if you are calling for someone else, the victim's name) and a description of the TSA Screener as well as the Airport and security checkpoint and/or the gate location. When the police arrive, fill out a statement, demand to speak to a Sex Crimes Detective and file charges.

Another option when you travel, have a friend or relative get a Gate Pass from the Airline and go through security with you. Again, tell the TSA Screener to do the enhanced pat-down out in the open. After or as they are assaulting you, your friend or relative can dial 911 and report a sexual assault in progress.

If you have been assaulted recently but you did not call the Police, please Google the Police Department of the city of the airport that you were assaulted at by the TSA. Then ask to speak to the Sex Crimes Detectives Unit and file reports, demand to press charges to initiate an investigation. If you are back home in another city, make a statement to your local Police Department's Sex Crimes Unit and they can fax it to the Police Department of the city in which the assault occurred.

We must be pro-active as well as educated as to how to file sexual assault charges against the TSA screeners if you feel that you have been sexually assaulted. Listen to the media interview below with Erin Chase from Dayton, Ohio who has pressed charges against the TSA agent for sexual assault.

After you have filed your report wait and watch. If the police move fast you don't want to do anything to jeopardize the investigation. The media may get wind of the assault through sources that they have at the police departments.

Once you get to your destination go online and obtain the TV News station website of the city that you were assaulted in. Remember, keep tabs on the investigation. Consider sending an anonymous news tip about the charges to their News Tip email department. If you wish to give your name as Erin did do so. With or without your name, don't be afraid to tip off the media if it is necessary; the more they report on passengers filing Sexual Assault charges against TSA screener's the worse it is for the TSA and the better for passengers.

If your child has been assaulted do the same exact thing or call 911 as it is happening and report a sexual assault of a minor or child in progress. Follow the above directions.

The city police department must get involved and so will the media when they hear the 911 call. The 911 emergency call can make so much difference for your case.

It is my understanding that this is the best, cheapest and most effective way to fight back. As long as they forcefully grope vaginal, breast and groin areas (which the TSA Screener's are doing), and are forcing you to stay or face a financial penalty (which they are), you can legally file a sexual assault complaint and make that 911 call. If this is done enough perhaps the police and the FBI will be forced into action.

Keep in mind, city Police Departments over the years have arrested TSA Screener's for theft committed while searching passenger's belongings - they can obviously do the same for a sex crime - which the "enhanced" pat-downs clearly are.

Even if the TSA Assailants do not go to trial, they will still have a Sex Crimes related ARREST or investigation on their record for life!

Police Departments have to investigate every reported Sex Crime that takes place in their city and airports themselves as part of the city and local governments. Calling your Congressmen AFTER you've reported the assault wouldn't hurt either.

Anny Jacoby is the President of The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company

and

Project Safe Girls

Personal Safety E

xpert/Coach and a

Certified Instructor

in the S.P.E.A.R. system.

Disclaimer

All situations are different. Although techniques and strategies set forth by Anny Jacoby have been effective in many situations; no guarantees are made that what is suggested through Anny Jacoby, Jacoby & Associates, LLC, dba The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company and Project Safe Girls will work effectively in every or any situation. Therefore, Jacoby & Associates, LLC, The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company, Project Safe Girls, its founder and all representatives of aforementioned WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES OR INJURY (INCLUDING DEATH) THAT ACCOMPANY THE RESULT FROM YOUR USE OF ANY OF ITS SITES, AFFILIATIONS, ANY INSTRUCTION, INFORMATION OR SUGGESTED TECHNIQUES OR STRATEGIES.