Murder in Progress: Elizabeth New Jersey

[In the town of Elizabeth New Jersey, a murder is being planned, in progress, by a commissioned police officer as I write this post.]

The officer and his wife have been married for more than a dozen years. The couple has 2 children. Yesterday, she had her husband served with divorce papers after years of having a gun pulled and cocked to her head, numerous rapes, and terroristic tactics to keep her a victim and not call police for help. “I’ve had enough” she said. “My husband is not going to get away with it.”

This officer has not acted alone, receiving assistance from his fellow tin shield cowards in uniform as they assist this bozo with a badge. To add fuel to this already deadly flame, the officer’s brother is a high ranking Lieutenant, his supervisor in the same department.

Similar to Kathleen Savio , wife of former Bolingbrook Police Sgt. Drew Peterson,( who is awaiting trial for her murder) found dead on March 1, 2004, in a dry bathtub, Savio was also silenced with the assistance of fellow officers with the same pattern of conduct taking place in Elizabeth, New Jersey.

During the months leading up to the discovery of Kathleen's corpse, officers routinely sat in their squad cars in front of her house, drinking coffee -- the ultimate 'screw you' for thousands of police officers' wives whose cries for help fall on deaf ears. In March 2002, Drew Peterson and Kathleen Savio filed for divorce. On March 11, 2002, Kathleen secured a temporary emergency order of protection. In an unusual move before the divorce was finalized, Kathleen also signed a power of attorney so Drew could buy a home just down the street with his then-underage new love interest. Victims of violence always wish their aggressive, abusive partners would move on to someone else. Kathleen’s strategy was brilliant. She got out of her own way; however humiliating at the time, she disarmed Peterson by waiving her rights to the property as a marital asset. Kathleen knew firsthand the danger she faced from Drew, a police officer and abusive husband, if she refused to sign the document. She signed it only out of pure fear.

When all her attempts failed to get help from the police -- those whose job it is to serve and protect -- Kathleen Savio wrote letters to then-Will County Assistant State’s Attorney Elizabeth Fragale documenting Peterson’s alleged abuse. They included claims that in July 2002, Peterson held a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her. But Savio was only further victimized when the state attorney’s office dropped the ball. Prosecutors should have filed separate felony stalking charges for threatening phone calls from Peterson and for each time he stalked her. They didn't -- not even when the court issued the emergency order of protection against him.

Sending the letters was a courageous move not only by a victim but by a police officer's wife. These letters, written and signed by Kathleen, would not see the light of day until a parade of media swarmed down on the home at Pheasant Chase Drive until after news broke that Stacy Peterson, his fourth wife, had vanished

The Elizabeth, New Jersey's officers wife has also written letters to Attorney General Eric Holder; Newark Attorney General’s office; Office of the Director of the Elizabeth Police James Cosgrove; Chief of Police Ronald Simon; Union County prosecutor’s office; Sen. Frank Lautenberg; New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie; and the Mayor of Elizabeth. The letters were sent on September 22, 2010, detailing the times, dates and details of the horrific violence. The only person whom responded so far is the Mayor who contacted the officer’s wife earlier this week.

Here is a brief overview of it, in her own words, what she has experienced: a Police Officer from the Elizabeth Police Dept., in Elizabeth, NJ. I had my husband arrested 8/12/2010, and was granted a Temporary Restraining Order of Protection. Which was later dropped because the night before going to court; I was threatened by a private caller to drop all charges. I was intimated and scared and never showed up. The Temporary Restraining Order was dropped.

On 8/19/2010 incident of dropping TRO, this gave my husband the opportunity to harass me with phone calls, and threatening texts. I t would start out just being friendly to escalating to vivacious threats of harming me. I tried to ignore them, causing me emotional distress and fear. I fear him, because after many years of mental and physical abuse from him, I know this anger and rage....I know he is going to come after me or what’s most important in my life "My Daughters". This man suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, which I would have the dept. have him evaluated psychologically.

On September 20- 22, 2010, my husband decided it was a day to harass me with over 50 calls to my home and texting. I sent a email to his Internal Affairs office stating to please advice the officer to leave me alone... this was ignored by the Captain. Nothing was done, because he continued until September 28, 2010. I had to go to Ocean County Court and get another TRO. Which was granted, and he obeyed the TRO... I have a concern with his internal affairs dept. they are conducting a investigation, in which to me seems fictional. I understand that the code of blue is a brotherhood to protect each other. Well in these cases there should be protection for the victim not the Police Officer. We are not trained in the law or how to inflect bodily harm, nor do we carry guns and badges. We have no power or authority to manipulate the justice system.

I could continue but you get the idea. The Elizabeth New Jersey’s officer wife currently has a civil restrain order, which means nothing for her safety and life.

As she say’s “ It’s just a piece of paper, telling him to obey. But it gives me no protection from Police Dept. should he violate the civil order.” I And every physical abuse after my beating, he would throw the phone at me, and “ Go ahead bitch call the police” and laugh.

“I don’t want to be the next victim I want to be safe and alive for my daughters.”

I currently am in the possession of information and documents that I will not hesitate releasing, including names and badge numbers should another incident or threat to harm this officers wife from Elizabeth, New Jersey, take place from this point going forward.

I should mention before I receive correspondence from those angry officers who attempt to post anonomously or send me emails laced with threats, that I was the daughter of a decorated Chicago violent crimes detective. I am an expert in the area of officer related intimate violence and homicide. My career began in 1989 when my mother was murdered by my father.

Gentlemen, I have no problem coming to Elizabeth, New Jersey as I did recently in Garvin County, OKlahoma, with an army of media and others if the powers in place, fail to immediately stop this murder in progress.

(Susan Murphy Milano, is with the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Education for more information visit http://www.saferelationships.com/ and is the author of the new book "Time's Up A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships available for purchase at the Institute, Amazon.com and where ever books are sold. And she is the host of Time's Up on http://www.herewomentalk.com/ and she is a regular contributor to the nationally syndicated show with Dr. Laurie Roth on http://www.therothshow.com/)

Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit by Susan Murphy Milano from the Book "Time's Up" from Courage Network on Vimeo.

Put the Weight On!

By Heidi Hiatt

On August 29th, 2010, millions of viewers witnessed the HBO film Temple Grandin win seven Emmy awards. Until then, many people didn’t know who Dr. Temple Grandin is.

Grandin has autism, and is probably the best known advocate for those with this developmental disability. She is also a renowned animal scientist, known for her ability to see the world from an animal’s point of view. I’ve followed her work for years and appreciate that she prompts people to think about life from an animal’s perspective.

As someone who could not stand to be touched, even hugged, as a child, she was intrigued when one day she saw a steer in a squeeze chute, a device used to restrict its motion so the veterinarian could work on it. She noticed how the steer relaxed when the pressure was applied.

Grandin decided to try the device for herself, and went on to build one of her own. Now squeeze machines are used all over as therapy for autistic children as well as trauma survivors and others. This deep pressure stimulation has taken other forms as well, including weighted vests and weighted blankets.

No one has to be convinced of the benefits of deep pressure; most of us enjoy a good massage. Such pressure is profoundly relaxing, and we pay big bucks to enjoy those sensations at spas and from massage therapists. We seek out massages from our spouses and partners, reveling in the touch after a long day at work. Pets know; they LOVE massages.

Survivors of rape, incest, sexual abuse, and domestic violence sometimes can’t handle being touched by others, especially those of the opposite sex. This can also be true of people who have been cheated on, used, betrayed, or abandoned. Their trust in others has been shattered, and even though they crave love, touch, and companionship, it can be traumatic to actually let someone else touch them.

These crimes and boundary violations are frequently accompanied by lasting challenges like PTSD, which can leave your nerves on edge for years. Achieving a good night’s sleep or a period of complete relaxation can be impossible when your body, mind, and soul is silently screaming in the aftermath of a traumatic event. Even if the anguish you have suffered did not include physical abuse, the hell your heart and mind have gone through can manifest physically.

Occupational therapist Karen Moore is an expert on a condition called sensory defensiveness that can happen to abuse and trauma survivors. She has an informative article about this posted athttp://www.sensoryconnectionprogram.com/sensory_defensiveness.pdf. The following excerpt from Moore’s article gives a description of what sensory defensiveness is:

Wilbarger & Wilbarger (1995) define sensory defensiveness as adverse or defensive reactions to non-noxious stimuli. They theorize that genetic disposition as well as physical trauma to the body (e.g. stressful birth, accidental injury, physical abuse) can set off this condition of sensory distortion. Lack of inhibition of sensory input, they believe underlies defensive reactions. Symptoms vary widely and include withdrawal from touch, discomfort from certain clothes, over reaction to sounds, dislike of foods with mixed textures, exaggerated personal space, increased startle reflex, and dislike of complex visual stimuli such as fast moving objects or colors.

People with a history of physical or sexual abuse, torture, institutionalization, sensory deprivation, or a traumatic injury, have about an 80% chance of developing sensory defensiveness. Therefore, statistics alone tell us that we encounter clients with this problem regularly in psychiatric care and especially in clients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of sensory defensiveness are also very common in patients with Developmental Disorders (Hanschu, 1995; Wilbarger & Wilbarger, 1995).

Deep pressure stimulation is one way of treating sensory defensiveness. If you can identify with this condition, take out a piece of paper and pen and make a list of what you do to make yourself comfortable nowadays. Trust me, the list will flow.

You may do the “human burrito” thing, where you roll yourself up in blankets. You may find that you are more relaxed when kids, cats, or dogs are sitting on you. When you get home from work, you can’t wait to change into particular cotton clothes or soft socks. You might find it very relaxing to hold a pillow or put a hot water bottle on your legs.

You may also find certain things outside of the home very relaxing, like having your blood pressure taken or wearing a lead vest at the dentist’s office when you have x-rays. You may like setting your purse on your lap when you drive. Even the mild restraint a seatbelt offers can bring relief, odd as it sounds. If you can handle being touched by someone else, a strong hug may do wonders for you.

When I first heard of sensory defensiveness, which to me is a very logical response when bad and unjust things happen to you, I contacted a friend with fibromyalgia who helped me make a list of the ways people manage through deep pressure. We were amazed at how quickly the list was written and realized why weighted blankets are becoming so popular.

Weighted blankets are a wonderful stress-reduction option for people with sensory defensiveness, food allergies, insomnia, PTSD, restless legs, dementia, autism, and other conditions because you can use them at home. They generally look like a comforter, and aren’t any warmer than one, but are filled with materials like soft plastic beads to add weight. The weight provides a deep pressure “touch” that allows the user to relax.

A quick Google search will reveal a number of companies that make weighted blankets, and they are often custom-made for the home user in varying sizes, weights, and fabrics. Some adults use 20 pound king-sized blankets, while children may use much lighter twin-sized ones. Some companies make small, square “lap cozies” or throw blankets that are nice for just having on you while you’re sitting.

You might want to consult with your doctor before using a weighted blanket, or having your child use one. I do not know if they’re safe to use with babies or toddlers; until someone convinces me otherwise, I would strongly advise against it. These also aren’t supposed to be used as discipline tools, but as comforts.

If you buy a weighted blanket, be sure to buy a blanket with proper filler material that can be cleaned in a washing machine. Rocks, metals, sand, organic material, and glass should not be used as filler for obvious safety and sanitation reasons. The fabric of the blanket should be one that you find soothing; oftentimes people with sensory defensiveness can’t stand certain fabrics rubbing against their skin.

Unfortunately, these blankets aren’t cheap, so if you find a ridiculously good deal on one as you’re comparison shopping, be suspicious. Be sure of what you’re buying before you hit the “checkout” button. A reputable company should be able to provide all relevant product information up front, or quickly upon request.

I realize that many people who have suffered trauma and abuse have limited financial means, another unfair consequence of what they’ve survived. On that note, it would be nice to see charities and activists donating such blankets and lap cozies to shelters and survivors. I, for one, am convinced of the therapeutic benefits of weighted blankets, and users don’t have to go to a therapist or doctor to experience their benefits.

While Temple Grandin is just one of the researchers who has identified and promoted deep pressure stimulation, she has played a huge role in its proliferation. I’m thankful that she and others like her have made this product mainstream. I hope that more doctors, advocates, activists, psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists become familiar with weighted blankets and utilize them more regularly.

When you’ve endured the trauma and pain of personal boundary violations, all violations from emotional abuse to extreme physical and sexual violence can carry a residual physical component. Trauma in any form can change your physical well-being in drastic ways.

To aid in your healing process, and to be able to unwind, consider one of these flat, bean bag-like blankets. It’s a simple but effective idea that could have millions of people breathing easier, or even sleeping through the night, for the first time in a long time.

Life breaks us all … but many are made strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway

Justice Delayed is Justice Denied, or Maybe Not

By Charles Moncrief

O LORD, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save! Why dost thou shew me iniquity and grievance? for spoiling and violence are before me: and strife and contention. The law is slacked, and judgment doth never go forth: for the wicked doth compass about; therefore wrong judgment proceedeth. They are terrible and dreadful... They shall come all for violence.... Art thou not from everlasting, O LORD God, Holy One? Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil: wherefore lookest thou upon them that deal treacherously, and holdest thy tongue when the wicked devoureth the righteous?
Habakkuk 1:2-13 (KJV, excerpt)

Habakkuk, one of the so-called “minor prophets” of ancient Israel, cried out to God in protest of injustice and oppression. Since he lived during the time of the Babylonian Exile, his lament was on a national level. Now that I’ve acknowledged the original purpose of this text, I’ve taken the liberty of applying the translated text in a modern setting.

The words of this prophet scream at us today on a personal level. Just as the prophet was lamenting that he looked around and saw suffering, so can we. And just as the prophet likely included himself as one of those who suffered, so can we.

Oppression is all too real in domestic violence and in crimes against persons.
Injustice is all too real in the obstacles placed before us when we want to act on it.

• When we seek redress in the courts for wrongs done to spouses and children.
• When we seek evidence buried by those entrusted with it.
• When we seek uncorrupted autopsy findings.
• When we seek to remove the unworthy from the ranks of law enforcement.
• When we seek representation from attorneys less concerned with obtaining justice than with protecting their ability to perform before the same judge in the future.
• When we seek to hold our elected and appointed officials accountable for misbehavior.

How frustrating it is today, as we look around and see that the need for action is great, and then realize that we are so powerless to make a difference!

Well, are really so powerless?

Consider God’s reply to Habakkuk in this excerpt from chapter 2.
And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Behold, the just shall live by his faith. The earth shall be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea. The LORD is in his holy temple: let all the earth keep silence before him.

Can we appropriate God’s reply to Habakkuk? Do we have any reason to see a vision of hope for something better? Even if we do, is there any reason to write it down as the prophet was commanded to do, so that it can be published far and wide?

I believe we have every reason to do so. Look around, and above all the destruction and violence we see signs that there is light ahead. Here are just a few examples.

• In the state of North Carolina, one survivor of domestic violence has formed an organization to address the subject. Some of the results have included state legislation, and a successful lawsuit against a police body that failed in its duty to protect and to serve.
• One year ago the Time’s Up! blog was started by a few people who had a vision. They followed an inner(?) drive to write the vision down, so that it would be published far and wide.
• Not long after I joined the ranks of contributing writers, I learned of several Blog Talk Radio programs that address these issues of violence, crime, and injustice. They gave voice to those who suffer, as well as to those who actively do something about it. Lawmakers have been influenced by the spreading of this vision. If legislation has not yet been proposed, it is only a matter of time before laws will be passed.
• Resource materials are now available to assist in escaping abusive relationships, in surviving the trauma of crime, and in rebuilding the lives of survivors.
• Church leaders are recognizing their past mistakes in properly addressing violence survival issues, and the pastoral landscape is changing -- though slowly.
• Pastors are networking with resource providers and with those who are better equipped to respond effectively in a more practical manner than “Give him another chance,” “Forgive and forget,” and so on.
• Networking is spreading on a wider scale, to force accountability in the courts and in the halls of government when injustice has occurred and lives have been lost.

So Habakkuk had a vision, and so can we. Here is an excerpt of the prophet’s response, from the third and final chapter.
His glory covered the heavens, and the earth was full of his praise. The sun and moon stood still. Thou didst walk through the sea, through the heap of great waters. Although the fig tree not blossom, neither fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive fail, and the fields yield no meat; the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength.

So this is all well and good, you might say. And amazingly enough, I agree with you!
In the first chapter the prophet cries out to God asking Him to do something.
In the second chapter God tells him He will, but in His own time.
In the third chapter the prophet says that while he’s waiting, he will praise God.

For some reason you may not find this satisfactory. While God’s timing is perfect, many people continue to suffer and die as we wait.

This is my challenge to you. If this idea is distressing to you, talk with God about it. Maybe you may find an unexpected gift in His answer.

Grace and Peace,
Charles

Trick or Treat: Halloween Safety

By: Gaétane Borders 

Many people do not know that there are special laws that apply only on Halloween night? States like Missouri, Illinois, Maryland, and Louisiana have all implemented various rules and regulations specifically for Halloween night. These laws are designed to make parents feel safer by restricting the activities of convicted sex offenders. However, they are not without controversy.

Most Halloween laws mandate that convicted sex offenders stay in their house on Halloween night, and prohibits them from answering the door to trick or treaters. Other states may require sex offenders to post a sign on their door indicating that candy will not be handed out at that residence. In Maryland, state officials created a stir when the signs that they distributed to sex offenders were pumpkin-shaped and bright orange.

Regardless of whether your state has opted to implement a variation of this law, next Sunday is the day when little goblins, pirates, Cinderellas, and otherwise disguised children will go door to door on the hunt for the best candies. Parents need to know that it is not all fun and games because there are dangers of which to be aware. As parents and concerned citizens, we cannot sit back and assume that the authorities will closely monitor the activities of these criminals. Instead, there are specific things that we can do to help prevent tragedies. I encourage all parents to do the following:

• Visit websites like www.familywatchdog.us to see how many pedophiles live in your community. Make it a point to review where the offenders in your community live so that you can be sure to avoid their residence. (You’d be surprised how many offenders may live in your community! I plugged my address in this morning and found that a couple new individuals had moved into my small town. The sad thing is that this map only shows the registered offenders.) 
•  Make certain that a responsible adult accompanies any child under the age of 12. 
•  Children should also understand that a parent must review all the candy received before they eat it. 
•  Teens who choose to trick-or-treat must go in groups, and need to know not to enter anyone’s home or car in anticipation of candy. 

If you find that your immediate community is not safe or conducive to trick or treating, you may opt to drive to another neighborhood. However, please note that young kids in particular also get a kick out of getting dressed up and scavenger hunting in their own home. In addition, many churches, malls and businesses schedule Halloween activities where they hand out prizes and sweets as well. There are, indeed, many options available. Pick the one that’s best for you, and most importantly….be safe!

Gaetane Borders is the President of Peas in Their Pods, and organization which brings awareness to missing children who are often not eligible for an Amber Alert or who have simply "fallen through the cracks."

Is It Love or Attraction?

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Too often our relationship selection is generated more from attraction than anything else. So knowing 'who' and 'what types' you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection. Some people choose characteristics--helpfulness, humor, gentleness or on the other hand aloof, emotionally unavailable or bad boyz representing qualities they seem to be drawn to. Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a 'go' or a 'no.' Maybe you like blondes or blue eyes which drives your pattern of selection.

Unfortunately, sometimes “Traumatic Attraction" seems to drive our patterns of selection. Those who have been abused (especially as children) can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection. While this may seem the opposite of what you would expect from this kind of childhood history, these patterns are largely driven by unresolved trauma. People who were raised in alcoholic, dysfunctional, or abusive homes are likely to repeat those exact patterns in their selection of a partner. They often select individuals who have similar 'characteristics' to the abusive/neglectful/addicted adult they grew up with or were exposed to. The characteristics could be physical (how they look) or behavioral (how they act) or emotional (how they abuse/neglect).

The unresolved abuse issue drives them to selecting abusers for relationships. Today, they are mystified as to why they keep picking abusive/neglectful/addicted people for relationship partners. The rule of thumb in traumatic attractions is, "That which remains unresolved, revolves around and around through our lives until it is resolved."

So, when you have no idea that attraction (good, bad, or dysfunctional) is guiding your selections, you just keep picking the same way and getting the same thing. But because the world keeps using the word 'love' you use it too and you label your attraction-based-choices (that are largely dysfunctional) as 'love' and then you become confused about the nature of this thing called 'love' too.

Your attraction is NOT love. It is merely attraction. What DOES or DOES NOT happen IN the

relationship may be more reflective of 'love' than anything else.

Remember the saying, "Love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek its own..."? It helps to reflect how love is 'other centered' not in a codependent and frantic or needy way but in a way that helps others be interdependent in relationships. Love is often attributed to positive 'attributes' such as:

Joy - love smiling

Peace - love resting

Patience - love waiting

Kindness - love showing itself sensitive to others' feelings

Goodness - love making allowances

Faithfulness - love proving constant

Gentleness - love yielding

Self-control - love triumphing over selfish inclinations

--Source Unknown

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

(From: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too. Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie and Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy to desire that. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is the CEO and Founder of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education.

The Power of Media

By Lyn Twyman

Media is one of the most powerful tools that exists.  When organizations and the government cannot help, media continues to be one of the few resources left for citizens and those victimized.  When there's little money for lawyers and representation, media will always be there to help people fight back and make their voices heard.  We cannot be afraid to use this powerful tool to raise awareness and educate. 

Media enlightens, helps to unravel mysteries and documents history as it unfolds.  Whether we're looking at movies, documentaries, PSA's or the internet, media will always be there to bear public record of our plight, fight and spread our message far and wide when we're unable to break barriers otherwise.  Activists often use media to get the attention of agencies and politicians who will not step in to address an issue until it reaches a tipping point.

This October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month is used as the pivotal time of year for many groups to increase awareness about the issue.  But increased awareness should not come just one time a year.  It has to be an ongoing, collective effort within the entire field.  So I want to challenge all of us to take a new look at the way we utilize media to spread the message of our causes.  If you haven't developed your own media approach, you may want to consider it.  Media can be vlogs, blogs, websites, movies, documentaries, interviews, radio and articles.  You can broadcast or distribute your message locally, regionally, nationally or globally. 

Some of you may think you don't or won't have an audience for your message.  According to the CIA World Factbook, as of July 2009 there was an average of 6.8 billion people living on earth so you are bound to have an audience for your message.  But you don't want to just grab people's attention, you want to get people to really think about your issue by presenting them with a genuine message and offer solutions.

Celebrity Status

Some of you who run organizations may be thinking 'I need a celebrity to back my cause,' but you really don't.  While most people will gravitate towards celebrities, one thing to keep in mind is the moment they get involved in a crime or scandal, support for your cause can dwindle because the public has identified your cause with the celebrity instead of identifying your message and solutions you propose. So this goes back to the point I made previously that you don't just want to grab society's attention, you want to get society to make decisions and act.    Having a celebrity involved in any form of media always helps to draw attention to a cause and it's even more helpful when that famous person continues using their influence in society on a consistent basis for your cause.  Take for example, there is a long list of celebrities that support anti-violence but only a handful consistently goes into the community and do work for domestic violence. 

In addition, celebrities with the wrong message and execution can be just as damaging to a cause.  Take for example the video "Love the Way You Lie" with Eminem and Rihanna and the recent domestic violence PSA with David Arquette and Courteney Cox.   According to comments that were posted throughout the internet, both forms of media sent mixed messages to viewers, leaving some uncomfortable instead of drawing them closer to learn more about the issue.  Eminem and Rihanna’s gig may have portrayed “dual” domestic violence but it was oversexed and over sensationalized.  David Arquette and Courteney Cox used unclean humor that reminded many of sexual victimization and borderline gay jokes.  There's a difference between taking the public on an emotional roller coaster for mere publicity and actually delivering a message to bring transformative and impactful change to society.  You want people to be compelled to openly share your message.

So don't be over shadowed by Hollywood and think you have to be someone glitzed and glamoured in order to be heard.  Your cause DOES NOT need a celebrity but your cause does need YOU.  Real social changers that use media to help further a cause typically are not celebrities.  They start out as everyday people with a mission and a vision.    It's by their good works they are known and not by the money, the hair, the movie lines or Photo shopped pics that gets the job done. 

Audience and Messaging

Know your audience and make sure your message is sincere, genuine and relevant.  This may sound like common sense but what sounds good to you may not sound good to most of the people in your audience.  Try to picture yourself hearing your own message for the first time and objectively consider how it would make you react.  The message should be heartfelt and go beyond talking points.  What information do you have for your audience? How can they relate to the issue?  What do you want them to do about the problem? 

Your messaging should also be clear and consistent.  Avoid reinventing your message too often and execute new media campaigns at appropriate times.  You should be reaching your audience with a defined issue.  Your audience in turn is waiting to see what relevant information you will give them about the issue.  Sometimes the audience doesn't even know they need to hear your message.  People will also sense confusion in your own work when your messaging is not consistent and will start to not take you seriously when your messaging changes too frequently so take time to really study your message.

Beware of Snakes in the Grass

Occasionally, you'll run into activists, organizations and entertainment producers that are nothing more than snakes in the grass.  As much as we'd like to believe everyone in our field of activism has the right motives there are those few who truly do not.   Their goals are disingenuous and motives lead to victimization or the re-victimization of others.  Media influence is powerful; that's why it's a multi-billion dollar industry.  So when you're looking to launch a media campaign, don't use broad statements, hype words or name drop.  Many people make the mistake of putting out false information which can be verified and their creditability becomes questioned because of something they put into their own media.  Remember, just because a person says they are doing something doesn't mean they are really doing it so do your homework and check their statements, even other advocates.  Make sure that what you say you too are also doing so you don't become a snake in the grass yourself and lose your creditability.

I want to challenge all of us in the next year to increase our own media outreach.  Use your Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, website, blogs and tag your posts.  Reach out to your local newspapers, magazines, radio and t.v.  Don't wait for a celebrity, organization or the government; do it yourself. 

So tap into your list of contacts and see who can help you to get the word out and spread it.  If we keep speaking up and loud enough with the right message, the voices of mere individuals talking at once becomes a massive crowd of activists making a sound that cannot be ignored, becoming unified.  Most of all, survivors and families will get the help they need and deserve because people will begin to listen and act.

Lyn Twyman is the Founder of Courage Network, a community for domestic violence survivors, family & friends, advocates, professionals and organizations. 

Churches: Walk the Talk, Take the Risk

By Neil Schori

Have you noticed that most people don't have a problem with talking too little?  It isn't too often that you have to ask a suburbanite their opinion about something, is it?  We talk about how our bosses are unfair and how the political system is so corrupt.  We also talk about all of our big ideas to make everything better and the latest cause we've adopted and how we are going to make a difference in our families and in our schools and in our churches and in our lives. 

But how much really changes?  Not a whole lot, really.  Bosses are still good targets for complaints and politicians are never short on corruption for the most part.  Churches can start to care more about songs on Sundays instead of caring for people on Mondays.  So what's the deal?  Is it that our world is past the point of redemption?  I don't buy that for a second.  I see small incidences of redemption all the time.  So what causes change?

The Bible talks a lot about this very subject.  James 2: 14-17 says this:   

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?  Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food.  If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?  In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

James is telling us what most of us really already know in our hearts: that our actions show what we really believe.  If we truly want to make a difference in our own lives and in the lives of other fellow strugglers on this journey of life, then we need to act.  And we need to do it now! 

What does that mean for me?  Over the past week, God has shown me in so many different ways that the church (all churches) has been complicit in relation to the treatment of women in horrible domestic violence situations.  We talk about justice for the oppressed, but we're scared to do the hard work and praying and planning that it takes to make changes in the lives of victims.  Many of us are fearful for the implications that standing up against the abusers could have in our own family.

Are there risks for me and Naperville Christian Church in saying 'yes' to what I know I'm supposed to do?  Of course there are.  But at this point the risk of NOT doing something far outweighs the risk of doing something.  So what is that you need to do? 

If you are being abused, call me at the church and we will help you.

Peace,

Neil Schori

630.983.5600

Neil Schori is the Pastor of Naperville Christian Church.  Follow Neil on Twitter!  @neilschori for all the latest!

Irrigate the Open Wound, Toxic Labeling

By Jillian Maas Backman

Like the rest of America, I am discouraged over the recent suicide of the young college boy, Tyler Clementi, of Reuckers University. The latest victim in an (alleged) secretly recorded cyber broadcast engaged in a gay encounter. The primary focus and media attention has been pinpointing bullying as the underlying culprit. I want to shift the focus to a more insidious cultural epidemic. I am beyond anger and outrage over the latest incident of labeling indignation. My soul is in complete surrender to the heartbreak of another child lost to the useless abyss of irrational rationalities. For crying out loud, what is left to say that has not already been written or spoken millions of times at the top of our exhausted lungs that can permeate and breakdown the harsh reality of prejudice?? We must all survive the drudgery of hearing the predictable banter of practicing more tolerance and compassion towards our difference. Our issue is much much larger than words. We have a people problem. We are wasting precious time with labels meant to deliberately separate us further apart. At some point in time, it will be too late to repair the labeling voids between us.

Labeling is an unavoidable cerebral task we can never escape. Our brain naturally categorizes all information that crosses its path. This is both a blessing and a curse. We unequivocally depend on our self-generated cognitive systems to keep an efficient handle on our chaotic Maya. The key word here is self-generated. Our labeling systems are dominated by what we key in. If not mindfully managed, there is the potential for abuse. We haphazardly break down social networks into labels because it is mindless. We pigeonhole people into categories of yes’s and no’s, like some crazy person with a labeling machine running around labeling everything in sight without rhyme or reason just because he/she can. We have total disregard for the consequences of mislabeling and the power to determine the rightness of one labeled group over another. Leaving all of us one-step away from the vicious nature of judgment. We have all fallen prey to this is self-serving habit at some point. Rendering a society of surface dwellers. Lives are at peril because we have become too lazy to explore each other from a soulful level rather than a surface level. This kind of laziness is stalling out our hearts. Many of you are quite happy with that reality. It takes effort to nurture energy between people, based in goodness or darkness. That contrast lies solely in your hands every time you reach out to know someone.

The good news: We are reversing this toxic behavior of cultural labeling. 

Let us use this latest gut-wrenching episode to finally spark something in our core. Let’s literally shove this issue to the forefront of our existence.

It is time for us to implement a moral to- do list. 

We have the capability at any point in time to reach back into our cognitive brain and re-assign information at will. This can be done! I personally have witnessed someone who had toxic preconceived ideas about a certain group of individuals. Through determination and exposure to those he naively mislabeled as “bad” in his mind, he now has come to an enlightened place of acceptance.

Have we become a society of mixed messages and contradictions? 

I constantly hear the phrase “I don’t care what people say.” I get that it is an internal mechanism we have in order to take what others say about us personally. The table should be turned. The time has come for us to care about what we are really saying to each other. Whether that communication is through texting, telephone conversations or virtual, personal responsibility, filtering, and presentation must be employed immediately.

Yet every literary script supports this timeless belief that we are all unique in a special way. I ascribe to this authenticity. Radio is a perfect medium outlet that satisfies one of my favorite pastimes- listening. I have the esteemed privilege of listening and vicariously living through my guests who share their incredible American stories. I lose myself in their diverse recitation of cultural history. Their stories become a part my story. Lines of segregating labels transpose themselves into blurred images in my uncensored melting pot of memory. Therefore, those who want to use our diversity as weapons of emotional destruction dumbfound me. What good can it do to continuously beat up people over our differences and complexities? We have to stop living in the artificial vacuum of dualities. We cannot continue to encourage everyone to live in their authenticity, and not allow others the same common courtesy. Trust me when I say, I take great pleasure in being my unconventional quirky self! I simply cannot imagine a place where we all think the same, dress the same, look the same… Boring! Please invest more care and interest, with me, on what the public is saying about others. More importantly, please take care of what you are saying out in the world.

I will leave you with a passage from my forthcoming book, “Beyond The Pews.” Blessed with the opportunity to sit with one of my spiritual mentors, Swami Mohan Das, he granted me the privilege of asking any questions I had of him. In his opinion, what is the greatest challenge we face today? His response:

“Hatred is like pus in a boil. Many are filled with this pus of hatred. They hold onto their hatred for selfish reasons, to deliberately keep themselves separate from others. We must drain this before we can move forward.” Swami Mohan Das, Delhi, India

Our words and actions only serve as temporary bandages over an open wound that oozes out a putrid stench named hatred of the sickest kind. This kind of unfortunate events will continue to plague our children, siblings, partners, and neighbors until we irrigate every germ of resistance to love- based infrastructures. We are in the midst of draining our pungent pus in a public forum. As you all know, this is always the hardest part- the- middle, the goal of building a more civilized communities. The majority of us prefer to do this kind of detoxification behind closed doors. We have passed the point of public humiliation as a deterrent for violent behavior towards others. We find ourselves at the ugly stage of deconstruction. It is not pretty to watch, but there are many lives at stake if we choose to withdraw because of dark forces. If we continue to feed off the dissected groupings we have unconsciously designed, the pus will re-infest itself as long as we stand on the sidelines and watch it build up again. Ravaged sores break through and take another child’s life in the name of vicious name calling, bullying and threatening labels.

Let us all stay steadfast to draining the filth out of this sickening disease known as hatred. Until, we reach the other side of reconstruction, commonly known as LOVE.

In grace, Jillian Maas Backman

Let There Be Light— One Year Later

 By Pamela Chapman

As Delilah, our leader, advocate, and promoter sent out the blog schedule for “Time’s Up!” she reminded us that we had been creating posts for one year. Yes, Time’s Up! is celebrating its one-year anniversary. Congratulations!

I sat back in my writing chair. I thought of all the stories, all the experts and advocates who had put forth their effort and their voice. I also thought of all the individuals who’d been touched by Time’s Up! those who’d found courage, strength, and the will to go on whether they were fighting for a cause, changing legislature, the system or surviving a tragic event. For one year Time’s Up! has shed light onto a dark subject and provided hope.

It is my personal belief that once light is shed on a subject, no matter what that subject might be, it no longer holds any power. Where women once held their heads low in shame and shut their mouths due to fear, women now hold their heads high, march on Washington, meet with Congress and stand before judges and bring about great change. They are silenced no more. Let’s not forget the men who have joined the cause.

I look back over my Facebook page and in a year we have seen amazing tools, causes, and organizations emerge. Susan Murphy Milano’s Time’s Up! A Guide on How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship, Crime Wire Investigates Blog Talk Radio and E.S.T.E.A.M have emerged along with numerous humanitarian organizations bringing their light, love, and healing into our world. I AM Change and Beacons of Light fan pages will saturate the internet with so much love pedophiles, sex offenders, and abusers won’t be able to turn to the net to seek out the innocent and vulnerable.

Let there be light. I turned to the internet to find the “official” meaning for this word, light that is. There were many—all the physics stuff of course. However, here is what resonated for me. Light: spiritual awareness; an illumination. Something that provides information or clarification: to throw some light on the situation.  A state of awareness or understanding, especially as derived from a particular source: in the experience.

Times Up! advocates, supporters and subscribers keep up the great work. And may your light bring continued healing, and hope to a world that so desperately needs the change. Let there be light!


Pamela Chapman is the Founder of iAscend Programs and the host of "Get the Hell Out!" on BlogTalk Radio.

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No Good News

By Lavinia Masters

Last night I was reading over the internet and did a recent search on sexual abuse/assault in the news.  During my search I found that in Naperville, Illinois a man was charged in sexual abuse of a young girl, 9 years of age.  The twist to it was that the accused admitted to the police that he had a sexual relationship with the young girl but claimed at one point that the child instigated the conduct. 


Next I read that over in St. Louis County that 2 teenagers were facing 12 charges for attacks on two women.  The story goes that Police say one of the women was in a parked car waiting for her friend at an apartment complex. As the friend walked to the car, two men followed her and robbed both women at gunpoint.  It went onto to say that the men ordered the driver to go to another location, where one woman was raped and the other sexually assaulted.

Then there was the story of an Orange County police officer that has been charged with forcibly sodomizing two women, both of whom he dated briefly.  Jesse Andrew Green, 33, who has been with the Garden Grove Police Department since 2006, is currently on non-paid administrative leave, was apparently in a short-lived relationship with a 41-year-old Santa Ana woman he met online in 2006. In August of that year, he allegedly forcibly sodomized the woman while she screamed and struggled to escape. Green reportedly made threatening statements to scare the victim and left her home.  Then in November 2009, Green met another woman through a mutual friend. During their first date, Green allegedly forcibly sodomized her at his Huntington Beach apartment. The victim, 40, fought him off and was able to escape.

As I forced myself to not become nauseated from all the disturbing allegations of sexual violence in one day, I then found and article that stated that a priest was videotaped having sex with a teen.  It went on to read that a lawsuit was filed because a Berks County couple became suspicious of the Roman Catholic priest who was supposed to be helping their daughter, so they secretly set up a video camera in the basement of their home -- and caught him having sex with the 18-year-old.  Bonilla seduced the girl while she was 17 and a senior at Reading Central Catholic High School, and they had a sexual relationship that led to her giving birth at age 19, the suit says.  It also states that the parents allowed their daughter to meet with the priest for counseling because she had severe mental health issues as a result of prior sexual abuse by another man, the suit says. It says she also suffered from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.


Now I was done.  I could not take any more of the disturbing news that graced the wonderful world that we call the internet.  So much tragedy and destruction left in the lives of so many victims and unfortunately there will be so many more to be occur.  I was convinced that after reading such a widespread of global devastation that sexual violence had indeed become a pandemic.

It is no longer a heinous crime that happens to women for it now happens to girls, men and boys.  Sexual violence does not discriminate between a prostitute and an innocent child.  Nor does it see color or gender.  Sexual Violence has no remorse for an infant that has no idea of what is happening to their bodies or does it cares about the elderly and their possible health issues.  Sexual violence is a hideous monster!

I went back online to search the dictionary for their meaning of sexual violence…the response…no results found.  Figures… because even the world does not have a true meaning or understanding of sexual violence and what it means to a victim.

One of the ways that I would define sexual violence…is a violent life changing, mind altering experience that occurs when another violates a person’s private and intimate space without permission, respect or regard.  The sad part about being violated is when that person is your father, your priest, your neighbor, your friend, your relative or loved one, and yes even a stranger…in other words…the sad part about being violated is just that…sad.

Finally, I completely turned off my computer because I could not take anymore “no good” news from the wonderful world of the internet.  Then it set in…although I may walk away from the news … the occurrences are still happening and sexual violence is still prevalent.  Many victims are yet suffering and many lives are still being destroyed.

Some little girl is afraid to undress in gym class because she is afraid that others will know that her daddy uncovers her nakedness at his discretion.  Then there is that young boy that is confused about his sexuality because Father Joseph told him that the only way to salvation is through him allowing him to violate and sodomize him and that he will burn in the pits of hell if he utters a word to anyone.

 Please let us not forget about the young lady that takes a razor to her flesh because her mind tells her that pain is what she has to accept because of all the abuse she endures and finally there’s the prostitute that walks the streets not only feigning for sex but drugs and alcohol because she is so numb and beat down from her bouts with sexual trauma that she doesn’t even know whether she is coming or going yet alone the true identity of the fathers of her children.

You see sexual violence is beyond traumatic…it is devastating.  Not only in the lives of the victims but those that love and support them.  Sexual violence has to be stopped and sexual violence has to be addressed.  It is a pandemic that we have to face head on and aggressively.  We may turn off our internet and television but we cannot disregard the tragedy that happens in the lives of individuals on a daily basis.


We have to shed our “selfish” coats and armor ourselves with compassion and concern in order to fight for the rights and protection of victims and others.  Sexual Violence should be regarded like AIDS, Breast Cancer, Domestic Violence, or any other devastating or traumatic occurrence because when it affects one… it affects us all.

So let’s end “no good” news today by speaking up and out against sexual violence, reporting abuse or suspected abuse to authorities, funding entities that support sexual violence awareness and programs, rallying Legislation and Law enforcement to change, implement and enforce laws.  Stand up and be counted for because remember… after all sexual violence does not discriminate.

You've Got the Power!

By Charles Moncrief

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.
Psalms 23:4 (KJV)

The entertainment industry, in its many forms, capitalizes on presenting its audience with the appearance of one dangerous situation after another. Whether it’s the aerialist in the circus, the chase scene in cinema, or the fight-to-the-death video games, we know that the images are just that: images. They are presented to us as, if you will, mere shadows of death. The safety net under the trapezes and high wire, the special camera effects in the movies, and the animated bad guys in the video games allow us to suspend our sense of reality long enough to experience a change of pace before returning to reality -- or whatever we call our day-to-day existence.

Life differs when we emerge from the circus tent, the movie theatre, and the video game. We find ourselves confronted with the fact that these shadows are cast by something.

A black woman refuses to sit in the back of a bus, and a pastor supporting her cause receives death threats against him and his family -- along with multiple fire-bombings of his house.

A family finds itself in a nightmare when a SWAT team, assembled by the accusations of a lying ex-spouse, breaks down the door to their home and terrorizes everybody, including the children they forcibly kidnap.

A few days ago I read of Susan Murphy-Milano’s quest to expose the lies of the Oklahoma County Medical Examiner’s office, the dehumanizing attitude that cavalierly labels obvious homicides as suicides to protect special interests. When she goes to Oklahoma, a veiled threat (or perhaps a promise) that she will leave in a body bag deserves a response.

I will give a response.

But first, let me mention a couple of significant facts about Susan. She is more than six feet tall, and when she steps through a door into a group of people, she owns the room. Immediately Susan is a threat to anyone whose power comes only from the projectiles that can be launched from a pistol. Each year she saves more lives than most of us will in a lifetime, because she is dedicated to safety for the abused and vindication for those who were killed in the process of protecting a public image.

So I don’t take my response lightly because I don’t take lightly any threats against Susan’s life. Moreover, I don’t make my response directly out of my own thoughts. Rather, the power base for my response is from three excerpts in the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures. Since I’m pulling verses out of their textual context, the meaning is obviously different from what the original human writer intended.

My first excerpt is from Isaiah 54:17. No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper.
The protection has carried Susan through dangerous situations in the past is nothing less than divinely ordered, and there is every reason for confidence in that continued protection as she fights the corruption in Oklahoma.

My second excerpt is from Romans 8:31. If God be for us, who can be against us?
This is not to say that nobody is against Susan. Rather, this is to provide reassurance that those who do come against Susan simply don’t amount to much.

In writing this I found myself drawn to a scene from T. S. Eliot’s Murder in the Cathedral, a story in verse recounting the death of Thomas a Becket. When the king’s soldiers were breaking into the church and his priests were urging him to escape the danger, the Archbishop’s reply was “I am not in danger; only near to death.” While this makes good poetry, it is an ideal removed from reality. The hard reality is that someone is in danger who stands against an established system of evil, and Susan is no exception. But it brings me back to the perspective of my opening verse.

For my third excerpt I’ve chosen all six verses of Psalm 23.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Recently someone pointed out the dramatic shift that the psalm takes with verse 4. The first three verses refer to God in third person: “The LORD,” “He maketh, “He leadeth,” “He restoreth.” Then, as soon as the psalmist faces the shadow of death, it’s “Thou art with me.” And God is referred to in second person -- talked to rather than talked about. As powerfully comforting as this psalm is when we think of God accompanying us when we face death (or even its shadow), suddenly the assuring power of the psalm takes a steep upward turn.

My response to the threat against Susan is my response to every one of you. Possibly you are facing real danger from someone who has abused you or a loved one in the past. Wherever your dangerous walk, God is with you. May you take comfort in knowing that the psalmist had some great insight to share with all of us.

Grace and Peace,
Charles+