Conduct Unbecoming of a Bishop….Allegedly

By Gaétane Borders

By now everyone has heard about the drama surrounding Bishop Eddie Long, pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist church in Lithonia, GA.  About a week ago, two young men filed a lawsuit alleging that Bishop Long recruited them into the youth ministry and then had engaged in sexual acts with them.  Later on, two more young men came forward, all with similar allegations.  However, their lawyer also claims that there are a slew of others who may also come forward.  (Please note that Bishop Long has not been convicted of any crime at this point, and the lawsuit is very recent.)

The defendants charge that Long used his pivotal position to build a strong personal bond with them. They said the Bishop Long convinced them that sex with him was part of a healthy spiritual life. They also have claimed that Long violated his legal responsibility as a spiritual adviser. At time of print, Bishop Long adamantly denied the allegations and vows to fight them.  During a recent church service, Bishop Long compared his current legal fight with the biblical reference of David and Goliath, stating “I have five stones and I haven’t thrown one yet!” before swiftly exiting the pulpit while holding his wife’s hand.

As a long time Atlanta resident, I can honestly say that I have never seen the city more divided about an issue.  With a reported 25,000 parishioners, New Birth definitely has a strong presence in the metro area.  The point of contention is the fact that the alleged acts supposedly occurred when the boys were 17-years-old (past the age of majority here in Georgia).  What these skeptics fail to understand is how predators go about grooming victims.  For instance, in this case the young men came from single parent homes and were not accustomed to an affluent lifestyle.  One of the defendants said that the pastor would apparently use this to his advantage telling the young boy that he would "never let another man hurt him like his father did," according to the lawsuit. In addition, Bishop Long allegedly gave them lavish gifts such as cars, money, clothes, international trips, jewelry and access to celebrities, and asked them to call him “Daddy.” It was, reportedly, a few years into the relationship that things escalated. These types of actions, if true, could certainly be perceived as an attempt to groom these young men.  Take a look at one of the defendants discuss his experience first hand.

So how could it be that a 17-year-old adolescent boy would not know to tell his parent that this was occurring?  Keep in mind that most kids do not tell, and instead are so ashamed by the abuse that they hide it.  That is why it is so critically important to be cognizant of the warning signs.  Here are a few:

·         Waking up during the night sweating, screaming or shaking with nightmares.

·         Masturbating excessively.

·         Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets.

·         Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement, or exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.

·         Having symptoms indicating evidence of physical traumas to the genital or anal area.

·         Beginning wetting the bed.

·         Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging.

·         Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location.

·         Developing frequent unexplained health problems.

·         Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.

·         Having unexplained periods of panic, which may be flashbacks from the abuse.

·         Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved.

·         Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors.

·         Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person.

·         Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves.

·         Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change.

·         Asking an unusual amount of questions about human

Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children:

·         Turns to a child for emotional or physical comfort by sharing personal or private information or activities, normally shared with adults?

·         Has secret interactions with teens or children (e.g. games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends excessive time to emailing, text messaging or calling children or youth

·         Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time alone with a child?

·         Seems “too good to be true," i.e. frequently baby sits different children for free; takes children on special outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for no apparent reason?

·         Allows children or teens to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviors?

Only time will tell if the allegations against Bishop Long are substantiated, and hopefully justice will be served...whatever the truth may be.  However, I do believe that Bishop Long’s lawsuit can serve as a reminder to parents that when it comes to our children, no one is given a carte blanche. Meaning, don’t just assume that simply because someone is nice to you that they won’t harm your kids. Don’t assume that just because they are part of your family tree that they won’t hurt your kids.  Don’t assume that just because someone is your spiritual advisor that they can’t hurt your kids. 


Gaetane Borders is the President of Peas in Their Pods and also writes the blog,The Parenting Pundit.

When Abuse and Violence Can Be a Beginning

By Charles Moncrief

Gianna Jessen survived a late-term abortion attempt. I'll let her tell her own story.

I would like to tell you a different story, but please watch and listen to Gianna's story on this video first.

Now for a little housekeeping.

If you listened to the video, you heard from Gianna that she was a true victim of domestic violence. There is no reasonable doubt that Gianna was and is a living, breathing human being who survived infanticide at the hands of her biological mother. As a former fetus Gianna is a powerful member of the Pro-Life community.

Gianna is also a Christian, and she uses her experience of suffering as a platform to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

So I will stand beside her on both counts. (Did you expect anything different of an Anglican Priest?)

But that is not the story I want to tell here. I want to highlight two things that Gianna did in this video.

First, she forgave her assailants: her biological mother and the abortionist who prides himself on his work. Gianna’s biological mother looked her up and came to visit her, but Gianna had long ago forgiven her.

Second, though Gianna acknowledged her survival, even with lasting effects, she doesn’t define herself as an abortion survivor. Her self image is that of a child of God, fully aware that God has some reason for her to continue on this earth, and she is determined to fulfill that purpose.

These are the reasons I present this video of Gianna. For you. For me. Gianna’s story has something for all of us.

What sort of violence and abuse have you experienced? Whatever you have suffered, and at whose hands you have experienced violence and abuse, you are a survivor.

A big part of Gianna’s recovery was the absolute necessity of forgiving her biological mother. To the best of my knowledge the two are not reconciled. Please don’t mistake forgiveness as requiring re-entry into an abusive relationship. And don’t let anyone mislead you into believing that forgiveness means absolving someone of the civil and criminal consequences of the actions.

Just as Gianna forgave her assailants, you need to forgive your abusers. It is much simpler than it may seem, but absolutely critical to your survival. All you need to do is let go of any hate and resentment toward the other person or persons. When we hold onto those negative feelings, it is the same as eating poison and waiting for the rat to die. When we choose life, we choose life without the encumbrance of hatred and resentment. Please find a way, and again with help and support as necessary, to forgive and move forward with your life. You don’t have to forget, and you can still testify in court as applicable, but please lay down the burden.

And just as Gianna knows that she is a child of God and that her life has a purpose, you can take that same assurance for yourself. Whatever you’ve been through, it need not be an end; just as with Gianna, it can be a beginning. It may not be a starting point, but maybe a reset point in your life. Just as you acknowledge the reality and severity of your own experience, there is the greater reality that you are also a child of God. You also have a purpose, even though you may not know what that purpose is for your life. The possibility ahead is from surviving to thriving, and ultimately to a place where you can share your story and benefit others in their struggles.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+

How did I get to this point in my life? Fisherman. Writer. Artist. Gun Toter.

By Karen Rae Elkins

I'm a fisherman, not a policeman. Yet in this rapid river of increasing violence, I've learned that sometimes the police are not necessarily there to uphold the laws when taking another report of intimate partner violence. I'm not saying there are not good cops out there. Policemen are like fish, Some are predators in pursuit of right over wrong. They hunt to feed justice. Some are like the trout or perch. They bring a taste of color and hues of deep thought in an upstream battle. And then... well some are just plain bottom feeders, sucker fish. When I fish, I'm after the predator called a bass. When I pull up a bottom feeder,  I get this girlie yuck feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will often just cut the line on a bottom feeder.

I'm going to talk about the bottom feeders of our men in blue. Bottom feeders have their place. If for no other reason, it's to teach you the serious lesson of forgetting what others may think of your situation. There's more to life than what a bottom feeder thinks. I just want you to go into a Police Station with your eyes wide open. Pulling into the parking lot of a police station takes courage. Some will look at you with total disgust or their eyes will look anywhere but directly into your eyes. While others rarely listen to what you have to say. Often times you must repeat the same sentence three maybe four times, or worse they question the event as if it really didn't happen. I've heard stories of Investigators suggesting that a woman actually beat herself up to claim violence. Any woman who would beat them self up has crushing psychological issues beyond those of violence, and sadly it does happen. However, it is rare. Most women, like me, avoid pain. Think about it like this, most would prefer to focus on anything but a mixture of pain stirred in with humiliation, trauma, and disbelief.  Please don't for any reason, avoid documentation because the police officer could be a bottom feeder.

Bottom feeders are there to clean up after the violence and do as little as possible. It's their nature. You know, when the woman has lost her life because the police didn't follow up or follow through because to them, "it's just another day at work". Bottom feeders abuse their position. A therapist once told me, "Never date a policeman, they are deceptive." I guess that bleeds into trusting them with your life.

When you leave the station pay no attention to the thoughts that they are talking about you. Without a shadow of a doubt they are using colorful words to describe you. Tell yourself, who cares? You've done what you set out to do. Report an incident. It's your paper trail. Just whatever you do, make sure the documentation is correct. If the officer didn't get the report correct, ask for another report. What else does he have to do but breathe air and eat donuts. Bottom feeders.

I'm a writer, but some words are not worth the paper they are written on. Three words come to mind.: Protection From Abuse. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself from the facts. If you find yourself reporting acts of violence, you my friend, are in danger. In the film, Enough,  J Lo is at the police station to help "a friend" with violent husband. In reality it is her that is in the violent marriage. The officer instructs her to tell the "friend" to file for a protection order against her husband. She responds, "And what is she suppose to do with the paper when he shows up? Throw it at him? Do Protection Orders perpetuate more violence? As best I can tell, it's a flip of the coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn't. There is one silver lining, but it alone won't keep you safe. There is a Federal law, an act that  bans shipment, transport, ownership and use of guns or ammunition by individuals convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence, or who are under a restraining (protection) order for domestic abuse in all 50 states. Don't make it easy for him to turn a gun on you. Have his gun rights taken away.

Other papers are worth their weight in gold. Start a journal and an on-line journal of your journey back to you. I always say when you come to a fork in the river, take it. This blog is as much for me as it is for the woman who wonders what life is like after the escape from violence.  It seems that everyone wants you, the victim, to prove or answer to his actions. Should you ever end up in court, or apply for a new Social Security number, or faced with filing an Evidentuary Will and Abuse Affidavit, your documentation can be used to help your memory. Trauma and violence can blend memories or worse, there are some things you'd rather forget. The journal will help keep the facts in somewhat order. The Coalition Against Domestic Violence suggested that I keep a journal of my travels so that if I went missing, the police, hopefully not the bottom feeder kind, could use it to help locate me. Each morning when I have my first cup of coffee, I jot down my daily activities, well sometimes. 

I'm an artist, I should not have to draw a gun. I'd rather draw flowers or butterflies. I'd rather capture a sunrise on the lake with my camera. Artist are known for their "non-violent" beliefs. We would rather live life on the edge of creativity, not the verge of destruction.  However, non-violence, doesn't mean I have to give up my right to protect myself. I made the decision to exercise my Second Amendment Right, the Rights to pursue FREEDOM.  I urge you to do the same. I'm reminded of a quote from my first blog with Time's Up. There is no freedom without the truth. The truth is "If I'm going to die at the hands of a violent man, I'm going to die fighting." I'm free from the spell of defenselessness. 

I had a wake up call. I was followed into my neighborhood late one night. I had stopped the pattern of no pattern home. I let my guard down. I had become comfortable just driving the same route.  There were no cars on the road in the small town. Most people were sleeping. I pulled into the right lane to merge onto the two lane highway. There wasn't a car in sight. I drove maybe six-tenths of a mile and turned my blinker on. All of a sudden, out of no where, the inside of my SUV lit up. The car behind me almost rear ended me. I turned to escape a crash and the car turned behind me. There was maybe 12 inches between our bumpers as I drove through the neighborhood. My mind went blank and my body numb with fear. All I could think is, "Is this the end of me"? I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open to dial 911 and realized they couldn't save me. At this point they all became bottom feeders. I avoided a near miss that night. I realized then that I should have been reaching for a gun not a phone.

If you put him in jail, he's going to eventually get out of jail. Then what? I've searched out every law of protection and found the laws to be faulty. Except for the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, all of the laws have loopholes designed to protect the guilty. Protection comes in the form of a gun for women who want to live. Don't believe the lie that you will become the victim of your own gun. The reports are false. Honestly, if I had not searched out every option, every avenue available to me, I would not be writing this blog. It's time to take back the power that has been stolen by our courts, judges, and the offenders. It's a right for a reason. 

Take a gun safety class. Enroll in a local gun club or shooting range. Listen to your instructors.  A 22 caliber handgun isn't the ideal gun for protection. Go ahead and spend your money on a gun that will defend you.  Apply for a concealed carry permit. Obey the laws and know the laws. Size matters when it comes to guns. Get a handgun that fits your hand. Learn to clean it the same day every week while you watch Nancy Grace report on other women who didn't have the chance to defend themselves. Buy a second gun. Your life depends on your ability to fight back. Do you really want to go into battle with just one gun? Buy a shotgun for your home. The spray will cover a large area. Make up your mind before he ever shows up at your home to do the right thing. He has no business at your home. His past abuses carry the weight of his intentions. And just like a target, aim for the center mass. "There are no dangerous weapons. There are only dangerous men."

If he finds me now he will find me standing behind cold metal. Why? Because I can. Though defensive violence will always be 'a sad necessity' in the eyes of men of principle, it would be still more unfortunate if a wrongdoer should prevail over the just. In 1998 one study reported the use of a gun by women in 12 cases of defense against intimate partner violence. In all 12 cases the man died. TWELVE. Yet, one in four women have been at the wrong end of a fist. We as women often send the wrong message. It's our nature to nurture, not pick up a gun. The day has come to redefine that mindset. Because, we can nurture ourselves, we will survive by all legal means. Redemption can come at the end of a gun.

Remember, "A woman who demands further gun control legislation is like a chicken who roots for Colonel Sanders." I'm not a chicken, I'm a fisherman, a writer, an artist and a gun toter. 


Just one question. Is toter really a word? 


Fish Steady in all you do. karen

Am I Under His Spell - Part III

By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

In the past two columns we have been talking about trance states, dissociation, hypnotic suggestion, and mind control. These are all ways the pathological controls the mind, thoughts, feelings, and ultimately your behavior.

This is not hocus pocus stuff. Trance states, dissociation and hypnosis are all normal parts of the way our body and minds respond to certain physical and psychological conditions. The only argument is if these pathologicals KNOW they are doing it to others! My answer would be yes.  Since they are masters at noticing what works on other people, to that degree, they tweak what works and use it.

Additionally, you may be aware of the seminars, books, websites and now TV shows about "seduction" and the techniques that are taught men about ‘coming in under the radar’ by seducing women through hypnotic methods. My guess is that the pathologicals are teaching their findings to others, passing on the horrid knowledge of their own disorders, and how to covertly attract women subconsciously into sexual relationships. Appalling? You bet. Just one more big WAKE UP CALL for women to pay attention and guard your minds.

Trance, mind control, and hypnotic suggestion are also based on one's own level of "suggestibility."  This is related to how responsive you are to the suggestions and opinions of others. (You may think you are not suggestible. Most people believe they are not. But what determines suggestibility has more to do with temperament traits than your own thoughts about whether or not you are suggestible.) The more responsive you are (to others in general) the more suggestible and easily you are mind controlled or hypnotizable.  Your suggestibility is often influenced by your biology. Women who are highly cooperative and value how others perceive them are more likely to be more suggestible. Our research found that women in pathological relationships tested high in cooperation and valuing how others perceive them therefore we know that you have high suggestibility and are at more risk than other women. 

Additionally, a woman's fatigability highly influences her suggestibility.  Almost all women report high levels of emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual fatigue with pathological relationships. They take a toll on her, wearing her down until her emotional reserves that would normally not give in, are repressed. At that time when her fatigue level is high, her suggestibility is also high. Tired and spaced out, it's easy to get controlled by him.

Messages that are told to her during tired and spaced out times are recorded deeply and yet often subconsciously. "Can't get him out of your head?" is very real.

The women who participated in our research survey on "women who love psychopaths" showed us just how susceptible this group of women really are to suggestibility, fatigability, and the resulting mind control.  Almost all of the women experienced some form of trance, hypnosis, mind control of "spell bound" symptoms.

Women must understand that "staying in the relationship to figure it out" or "see what happens" or "wait until he works on himself and gets better" is absolutely risky for you. Your ability to be controlled covertly by him is significantly higher than other females. Until women really understand their "at risk" temperament traits and how they affect her choices and TOLERANCE in relationships, she remains significantly likely to either not leave or pick the same way the next time around.

Luckily, The Institute does provide in-depth recover and support services for those leaving pathological love relationships with narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

CHRIS RAINEY, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, & THE CHURCH

By Neil Schori

Almost every day, I hear about new situations where women are killed/tortured/raped/threatened/stalked, by an intimate partner. Today was nothing new. This morning, I discovered that Chris Rainey, a University of Florida wide receiver, was arrested for threatening to kill his on-again, off-again girlfriend. I was saddened, but completely unsurprised.

When I say that I was unsurprised, I do not at all mean that this has become so commonplace to me that I’m cold to or anesthetized to its horrendous fall-out. As a matter of fact, I’m more alert to this than ever. Sadly, before Stacy Peterson disappeared, I was mostly oblivious to the domestic violence in this world. I didn’t understand the insidious nature of the violence that is perpetrated upon these women (and some men) in their own homes. I didn’t understand that they couldn’t “just leave.” I didn’t understand how isolated they had become. I didn’t understand that this was happening in the church at nearly the same rate as the rest of the population. I didn’t understand that these women are literally dying for attention and true and tangible assistance. I didn’t understand that pastors were complicit in women’s continued subjugation in these dangerous and dark homes.

But now I know. And because I know, I’m responsible. And I’m making a difference in and through my church and in my networking with incredible leaders and advocates in the field of domestic violence. It is my desire to continue to bring peace and hope to women across this country who feel terrified and anxious and hopeless. It is also my desire to educate pastors and church leaders about their role in helping to go on this journey with these women, so that they can come out of isolation and into the light of a supportive community.

Why do I believe so much in this cause? Because Jesus does, and he’s called me and anyone else who claims to be one of his followers to offer comfort and healing after we’ve received comfort and healing from him. The Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 2: 1-2 that:

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.”

God IS love. It is his very essence and because of that, it must be the essence of the church. Pay no attention to a church that is not characterized by its love for the people it is there to serve. So, I will continue to strive for Naperville Christian Church to be a church of rest for the weary victims of domestic violence because that is exactly what Jesus wants us to do.

Matthew 11: 28-30 (Message translation):

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

May we learn to be people of tremendous grace and action as we love these people who are victims of such horrible injustice.

Peace,

Neil

Neil Schori is the Pastor of Naperville Christian Church in Naperville, IL

I Wished!

 By Pamela Chapman

As I followed a link that would take me to Susan Murphy Milano’s website, I was lead to another devastating story of our justice system failing three children. I took a deep breath. My heart sank. There seems to be no shortage of stories of mayhem, chaos, devastation, or destruction. Whether we’re looking at domestic destruction or natural destruction the stories are endless.

This morning on my usual walk with self and God I took in the panoramic views of the mountains, the hills, the trees and the skies. Everything around me appeared serene and calm. “Is this real?” I thought. Or, is this my personal phantom or illusion? How can all that I am now seeing appear to be so right, so peaceful and so perfectly aligned with God while there is, yet, another world filled with despair, pain, and devastation? A world where children’s lives are cut short, women are devalued, misogynist beliefs and views are alive and well and, what is wrong is accepted for right.  How can the systems of this world be so broken and twisted?

I began to wish and pray for a better world.  I wished that every child on this earth be able to lay their head down at night without danger, without worry, and without fear. I wished they would experience unconditional love and complete acceptance from their parents or guardians. I wished that every woman would feel and believe she is the apple of God’s eye, His center, and His pursuit. I wished that she would know, without a doubt, without a double-take that she was loved, cherished, and revered. I wished her self-esteem was healthy and her self-confidence strong while believing and knowing she was amazingly created and her God said, “It is good.” I wished she would experience the perfect square of life: health, wealth, love and perfect self-expression. I wished that if and when something went wrong and judgment had to be sought that judgment would be fair, unbiased, and sovereign—not based upon gender, politics, or dollar. I wished the lion and the sheep would be able to lay down with one another and there would be no need for the lion to show how strong or powerful he was. I wished this world would be a harmonious force, each [wo]man finding their way, their purpose and path painlessly.

It can be really easy to dismiss my wishes as hopeful or positive thinking but I won’t give up believing, hoping, praying and wishing. I won’t give up believing, hoping, praying and wishing that the work of my fellow humanitarians, the known and the unknown, will not be in vain and one day, “every tear will be wiped away, every tear from our eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4.

I wished, my sister and my brother that you be endowed with the strength, tenacity, and unconditional love necessary to bring about this great change.

I wished!

Men and Domestic Violence

By Heidi Hiatt

2010 has been the year of betrayals, breakups, and divorces. I continue to be shocked at the number of relationships falling down around me.

While there are two sides to every story, it seems to me that it is becoming increasingly common for one party in a relationship to carry the majority of the blame. It’s like the world is dividing into two camps in anticipation of some great shift, narcissists and those who try to follow the Golden Rule.

This week I had the opportunity to catch up with several longtime friends and discuss their situations. It hit me that in nearly every breakup I’ve seen this year, it is the stable, hard-working, faithful, committed partner that does not abuse drugs or alcohol getting dumped like garbage.

Every one of these people openly admits their quirks and the things they need to work on, but none of those issues are divorce-worthy. Many are normal human shortcomings and residual trauma that can be worked through. I see these people as attractive, intelligent, fun, and successful, but their partners have decided that the grass is greener with more risky people.

Risky is the correct word. I’ve witnessed children being put on back burners to accommodate their parent’s games and used as weapons. I’ve seen how one parent’s hatred of the other conditions the children to become abusive, hate-filled people themselves. It is heartbreaking to see children form bonds and then be forced to break bonds with the people who are cycled through their parents’ lives.

Unfaithful partners are using their unwitting faithful counterparts as child care and their families as a resource to facilitate their liaisons. In one case, a friend’s in-laws had actually been encouraging the other woman’s presence and involvement while their son was still married. Other people find themselves used financially, or being pushed away when things aren’t adding up.

It is not unusual for families to enable a relative’s pathology even when that risks hurting their children. Enabling an unhealthy or dishonest relationship is sanctioning poor parental choices and setting the kids up for their own lifetime of instability. Children are often the last people who matter in the midst of these games.

One person told me how painful it is to watch another woman—the “friend” who decided to “help” her husband and kids at a critical time—end up with her house, her former vehicle, and many of her belongings. Another told me how their spouse demanded the divorce, but tries to control who they see and to keep them on hold in case they want them back in the future. It seems that a significant number of people are practicing this “Plan B” narcissism—if their affairs don’t work out, they want the option of going back.

The lengths that people go to in an effort to legitimize these unhealthy new relationships seem to be part of some sick rush they get by having affairs. One of the most common tactics seems to be blame-shifting, an attempt to make everything that’s wrong look like it’s caused by the faithful partner. Another is flat-out character assassination, slandering or falsely accusing that partner to relieve themselves of taking responsibility for their actions.

Yet a third is embarking on a public relations mission to build their new partner up at the expense of the old. If a person has to consciously try to win support for what they’re doing at the expense of another, there’s a good reason to question what they’re doing. When I see this happening, it reminds me of playground bullies that only feel good about themselves by putting someone else down.

The mental shift that unfaithful people undergo is frightening. They seem to have no genuine concern for any aspect of their partner’s well-being, physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. They recklessly put their partners’ health at risk and play head games with them either to avoid getting caught or punish them for not letting them have their cake and eat it too.

This has me wondering if deceptive, dangerous, or dysfunctional is the new “sexy”. Pop culture certainly seems to glamorize those “d” words—collectively, a darkness that destroys committed relationships. I understand the attraction that bad boys can have for women and bad girls can have to men. In those conditions we are able to indulge our own unresolved character issues and desire to rescue others.

But you can have a healthy kind of crazy, “bad”, or adventurous within a committed relationship too. To me, developing that sounds way more fun than risking my partner and family’s well-being to break a vow or a covenant. I would much rather spend time working on the tough issues in a committed relationship, reaping hard-earned rewards, than flitting around in dishonest, secretive hookups that won’t last.

This may seem like a long lead-in to the subject of men and domestic violence, but the point of mentioning all of these behaviors is that they go both ways. Women are abused, especially physically, more than men, but after hearing friends talk about female-on-male physical violence, control issues, stalking, and cheating, it’s clear that domestic violence is not a gender issue. Abuse is equally wrong whether a man or woman is committing it.

Statistics about domestic violence against men are probably skewed since it is very likely to be underreported. Not only is it awkward and embarrassing for men to publicly admit that they have been hurt by a woman, but many authorities won’t take them seriously or file reports when they do. The “you’re a man, deal with it” attitude, and many stereotypes about domestic violence, run rampant in this country. Men may think that reporting abuse or seeking help for it is a sign of weakness.

Reality is that men can be victims of psychological battering, physical violence, stalking (in growing numbers), manipulation, financial control, sexual abuse, and everything that a woman can. Somehow our society doesn’t want to believe these crimes and behaviors are as serious if they happen to a man.

Our culture has normalized aberrant behaviors in women, such as striking a man in the face, putting them down publicly, controlling them through sex, and allowing certain entitlement mentalities (seehttp://wildninja.wordpress.com/2010/04/21/sitcom-wives/). Much of this may be seen as valid payback for thousands of years of mistreatment of women, but it is still WRONG.

Man or woman, being attacked by someone else on any level damages your health and your self-worth. It can forever alter your existence and the way you look at life. The denial men engage in to cope with or rationalize woman-perpetrated abuse can lead to entrapment in unhealthy relationships. Men may endure many cycles, even years and decades, of abuse because they don’t want to be abandoned, see winning the abuser back as proof of their manhood, or mistakenly believe that they can love a pathological woman into healthiness.

The most common type of abuse I see when a woman abuses a man is not physical abuse. Most of the material you will find about female-on-male domestic violence is about that. But it is psychological abuse that seems to be the most prevalent form of abuse utilized by women. This may be because psychological abuse is the more subtle form of beating someone into submission. You also can’t get arrested for it unless you threaten their life.

In the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got To Do With It, moviegoers saw Ike Turner viciously beat and belittle his partner, then turn around and buy her expensive gifts to “make up for it.” A male friend of mine pointed out that women rarely do that; instead, they rip into men’s psyches and then use sex and seduction as the “make up gifts” to worm their way back into their lives.

That is an extremely abusive cycle because a man endures great personal harm, then is lulled back into a false sense of stability for awhile until it happens again. Over and over some men are verbally abused, taken advantage of, subjected to psychological terrorism, and cheated on, then reeled back in by the “gifts” of what is essentially sexual abuse. These cycles are all about power and control, not love. I call it “Reverse Ike Turner Syndrome” (with apologies to a man who hopefully got his rage under control).

Because of the lack of resources and shelters out there for male victims of domestic violence, a man’s best defense may be to educate himself on the subject. Both sexes need to know how to attract and retain healthy people with the ability to grow in mutually beneficial relationships. Instead, we often enter adult life without a proper sense of boundaries, tend to be attracted to the same type of controlling or abusive person that our opposite sex parent was, and can’t accurately define domestic violence.

Everyone needs to be educated about pathological behaviors, psychopathy, and other selfish, evil states of being that can damage us. Because men are expected to be the tough ones who take care of themselves, they may not recognize or acknowledge such issues when they encounter them. It is important to know what you might be dealing with to save your children, your current partner, and yourself from harm. My advice: read, read, read, get into counseling, and find Bible-based support through church.

One issue that continues to jump out at me when I research domestic violence is how personality disorders may dictate a person’s conduct in a relationship. Think of a personality disorder as a way of thinking that inaccurately colors the way a person looks at life. Of all the personality disorders that seem to affect women’s treatment of men, it is borderline personality disorder that seems to lead the pack. One of the first books written on this subject was called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.

Movies like Fatal Attraction and Single White Female are the Hollywood versions of this disorder. From my own experiences, I don’t think Single White Female was too far off. I’ve ended friendships and had other unsettling experiences because of that type of behavior. It wasn’t behavior I could “learn to deal with”; it’s unpredictable, backstabbing, and like being in a constant competition for a Miss Popularity award that I have no interest in vying for.

Some of these women will do anything to “prove” they’re the most “desirable” or to “win”, even if it means seducing or stealing someone else’s man. They get a thrill out of disrupting or slaughtering other people’s committed relationships, much the same as the rush some serial killers get when they take a life.

Alcoholism and substance abuse is common among borderlines, and in their private lives, many are emotionally immature, never progressing beyond a junior high emotional intelligence level.

These women have an empty spot inside of them that is never filled, and their behavior may become more dangerous and erratic with time. It may also become less obvious with time because they’re well-practiced.

If you try to leave them, though, you may soon find yourself looking down the barrel of the “if I can’t have you, no one can” mindset. They’re also the ones who will leave you of their own accord, but come back as soon as they see you having a serious relationship with someone else.

Some of these women might be fine with an open marriage or open relationship concept in which you are the emotional support, the “rock”, or even a sort of parent that they always come back to. But they want the freedom of seeing other people as well, whether they do that behind your back or coerce you into it.

Women like this will use anyone and anything to keep their targets at their beck and call regardless of the cost to others. Some borderline behavior overlaps with sociopathic behavior to the extent that experts have coined a new term for such people, borderpaths. Life is all about them, and they want men who will kowtow to that. They often purposefully latch onto nice and generous men believing that they will be easy to manipulate. That’s not love, that’s slavery. That’s sick.

If any of this sounds familiar, the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, and more information, is athttp://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm. I’d also recommend the book Sometimes I Act Crazy, below. While I do not advocate breaking up a marriage just because someone has mental issues (don’t we all), men need to be able to draw the line when they and their family’s safety is at risk. Unrepentant, chronic abuse and adultery can be valid grounds for divorce, sad as divorce is.

Men, although you may think that you have to tolerate certain behaviors because of your sex, please remember that abuse is not biblical. It’s not God’s way. This is not what He wants for you. You were created to, as I said in another post, live adventurously, love passionately, and accomplish feats that no one before you or after you can.

Abuse molds you into who someone else wants you to be, not who God wants you to be. It robs you of your strength and dignity, and it prevents your family from experiencing your authentic self. Your children especially need a consistent, healthy role model that will set the standard for their relationships.

Children are little sponges who thirstily absorb your example, and the legacy you create for them is important. It’s been said that children are messages you send to a time you will not see. Your current circumstances may be setting the stage for your great-great-grandchildren’s lives.

That’s a sobering thought. But a quick look at our own family’s histories might show that to be true already. We are the people who have to stop the dysfunction with this generation and raise the bar.

In a world of James 1:8s—double-minded people who are unstable in all of their ways—kids really need their parents to model loving, committed behavior if they are to have a chance at true love without violence.

This means that both men and women need to know their enemy—domestic violence– and get whatever help they need to deal with it. That may mean severing relationships, because you can’t solve someone else’s pathology for them, no matter how traumatic the pathology’s origins.

Lastly, I know that there are those that downplay domestic violence towards men believing that it detracts from domestic violence against women. Some experts don’t like to discuss male abuse because fewer men experience it than women, and even fewer men report it.

No one has to convince me how serious of a problem this is for women—I have been through several deceptive, damaging relationships and have experienced persistent sexism in the workplace. You’re preaching to the choir.

Here’s the bottom line, and I’m turning on the caps lock to shout it out on behalf of the men who have been hurt by it:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A GENDER NEUTRAL ISSUE. NO VICTIM DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR EXPERIENCES DOWNPLAYED BECAUSE OF THEIR SEX. WHETHER A MAN OR WOMAN COMMITS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, IT IS WRONG, AND IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH.

Videos

When Women Abuse Men, ABC News
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hn-wL6hPq8

Men Suffer Domestic Violence Too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGDTDawB4wE&feature=related

Male domestic violence victim speaks out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPTOXG6Ha48&feature=related

Websites

The “Duluth Model” Power and Control Wheel, a version for female perpetrators
http://www.dvservices.org/id41.html

A Men’s Guide to the Signs of a Bad Dating Choice
http://www.datebetterwomennow.com/docsfordating/TheSignsofaBadDatingChoiceInWomenE-book.pdf

Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/malevictims.shtml

Male Abuse
http://www.wadv.org/maleabuse.htm

Stalking & Domestic Violence Statistics
http://new.abanet.org/domesticviolence/Pages/Statistics.aspx

Books

How to Avoid Dating Damaged & Destructive Women (E-Book), Sandra L. Brown
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/how-to-avoid-dating-damaged-destructive-women

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder, Jerold Kreisman and Hal Strauss
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0471792144/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0380713055&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1AM6MSQR08YS2266KGKB

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, Philip Cook
http://www.amazon.com/Abused-Men-Hidden-Domestic-Violence/dp/0275958620/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283035856&sr=1-1

Women Who Love Psychopaths, 2nd Edition, Sandra L. Brown
I recommend this book for men? Yes. Men can absolutely be victims of female psychopaths. The material presented in this book can go either way despite the title.
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-2nd/dp/0984172807/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282971995&sr=1-1

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036191&sr=1-1

Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes, Duke Robinson
http://www.amazon.com/Too-Nice-Your-Good-Self-Sabotaging/dp/0446673862/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036300&sr=1-1

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men, Wayne Levine
(NUTs = Non-Negotiable Unalterable Terms)
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036347&sr=1-1#_

Boundaries: When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life, Henry Cloud and John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283036547&sr=1-4

The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972138&sr=1-6

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_39?s=STORE&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972238&sr=1-39

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, George K. Simon
http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972328&sr=1-1

Venus: The Dark Side, Roy Sheppard and Mary T. Cleary (I have not read this, but it sounds like someone has finally come out with a book about female sociopaths. Hopefully it’s respectful.)
http://www.amazon.com/Venus-Dark-Side-Roy-Sheppard/dp/190153412X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1282972488&sr=1-1

Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Tough-James-Dobson/dp/0849913411

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence, Gavin de Becker
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440508835/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0440226198&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1J6A0DZRFVEW6MFE5KKP

Please note that most of these books are secular, but I include them because I have yet to find equivalents in the faith-based realm. Obviously if any content runs counter to your Christian beliefs, disregard it, and keep only what’s worth keeping.

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Whatever I do for my spouse, I do it to Christ as well. –Emerson Eggerichs

We Are All One Business Card Away From Knowing Each Other

By Jillian Maas Backman

One of the greatest business inventions is the simple business card! 2 by 43.5 inch calling cards to help the entire world immediately identify who you are. Corporations spend thousands of dollars hiring marketing gurus to design eye- popping icons with strategic catchy slogans to ultimately capture your attention. Some add self-portraits or snappy colors just to mix it up. Others opt for simple black and white for a more subdued, sophisticated presentation. Whatever your preference, the goal is to be noticed and more importantly, remembered. I started writing this blog entry several weeks ago after someone struck up a conversation about my unique business card. My intentions, is to conclude with a rousing discussion on the inherit power of this simple business tool. However, I was diverted by something much more compelling than my initial intention...

Recently America watched as, Beth Holloway, the mother of missing child Natalie Holloway, flew to a Peruvian prison to meet with a man that is being held on other charges and who is suspected in the disappearance of her daughter several years ago. We all gasped at the thought that she would jump on a plane, fly to a foreign country just to confront this man behind prison bars. Even though this part of the story is what took us all by storm, I was drawn in by a more subtle part of the heroic adventure, the ending. It has been reported that she did get to meet face- to- face with the suspect. However, the entire event was abruptly concluded after only 5 minutes. The man behind bars handed the mother a BUSINESS CARD, with the name of his attorney on it. Visit over, matter concluded. With a flick of the wrist from one hand to another, this simple little piece of cardboard was singularly responsible for altering the destiny of both parties simultaneously. Although this is not the ending this courageous mother was hoping for, it did give the world other insights to ponder-- this is what caught my attention. What can we learn from this elusive pointed maneuver? We should never forget the power of the card! In a world where personal relevance and individuality seems to be fading away, it is somewhat reassuring to know there is still a way to keep separate from the pack. This is the last paper thread left connecting us to the business frontier of days gone by. May we all take refuge in the fact this sacred paper trail may be able to survive the hostile takeover of contemporized technology.

We all want to believe we are important enough to have our business card held onto, above all others; that we are the “one” to remember! And rightly, so, we are leaving behind our modern day legacy, a trail, for others to emulate after we pass. None of us wants to believe someone would deliberately discard such an iconic representation of ourselves so harshly. Nevertheless, the cold reality, the majority of the time they do. This is what Beth Holloway was attempting to complete for her missing child, remembrance, a cherished legacy of her beautiful but short existence. Why is that so challenging others to see? That is what the mother went seeking clear across the other side of the planet. How ironic is it that the one thing left untouched altered her legacy by modern evolution, the business card?

In other cultures outside of America, the exchange of business cards is considered ceremonial. It is an ancient artful ritual between individuals who pass through each other’s lives in a simple moment in time. Seen as a natural extension of the person themselves and treated with the highest form of respect. The protocol includes presenting and accepting the business card with both hands. Eye- to- eye contact, and a personalized “thank you” to seal the deal. You can see from the introduction, I deliberately used my own personal business card. Not to sell anything to you, but to demonstrate symbolic communications. The icon on my card is an actual impression of my hand. I love to give and receive business cards, which is an immediate glimpse into the reflection of someone’s soul. I have created my own ritualistic style of exchange. I literally hold each one of my cards before I give it away, and then the receiver accepts a blessing of some kind. I know it may sound corny to some of you. Nevertheless, there is so much pain in the world today every little intent counts. So next time when you engage in an unconscious business card exchange, do me a favor pause, reflect, and trade with loving intent.



Two strangers exchange business cards that then become two acquaintances. Those two acquaintances lead to business associates, which then lead to friendships, leading therein to partnerships, partnerships lead to groups, those groups lead to communities, and ultimately , the world…………………..

We are all one business card away from knowing each other.

In gracious love, Jillian Maas Backman

Forgiving the Offender: Ready or Not?

By Randy McCall

Recently, I was contacted by a victim of crime who had some serious questions on the topic of forgiveness. They wanted to know why so many people and groups they associated with kept demanding to know if they had forgiven the offender yet... and if not, why hadn't they?

The victim wanted to know why it was so important to other people? After all, the victim was the one who had survived the offense, not these other people, many of whom were only vague acquaintances. Why were people continually questioning them on the issue?

The question made me sit down and do some serious thinking before responding to their question.

I've worked with a lot of crime victims over the years. I've seen many who came to forgive their offender, and others who never did. Some of those who chose to forgive describe the final act as one of release, of giving up a burden; some referred to it in religious terms, taken from their particular holy books.

In some cases, the person in question wanted to share their new-found sense of peace and wholeness through forgiveness with other victims. They did this by either becoming active in victim support groups, or by joining one of the many restorative justice organizations which exist to help victims.

Social scientists and psychological researchers who've explored the act of forgiveness by crime victims have found at least some evidence that those who reach the point of forgiveness experience less long-term psychological trauma, less physical illness, and may have a faster recovery period to the re-establishment of a normal life. You may find some interesting reading in the American Psychological Association's publication: Forgiveness - A Sampling of Research Results

Note I mentioned "the point of forgiveness"? Reaching a point where a person can forgive is a process, much like the grief process. Each individual is different, and each will react to the trauma of victimization in a different way. The time it will take a person to reach the stage in their emotional journey where they can choose to work towards forgiving will vary greatly.

I've heard the process likened to act of a high-diver; they have to climb to the point where they can take the plunge.

The victim must be ready to take the step... they cannot be coaxed, badgered or ordered into doing it before time; attempting to do so can easily result in a severe emotional backlash.

Unfortunately, our society tends to like simple, quick answers to problems. This is why I believe so many people asked the victim I mentioned in the first paragraph if they had forgiven the offender... because, to many people, it would mean the victim had recovered and was now "fixed".

Being presented with the evident benefits of the act of forgiveness -- social, psychological, and financial (a quicker return to a sense of normalcy means less use of victim support staff time and resources) -- there are some victim advocates who who simply add "forgive offender" to the list of things they recommend the victim do as part of the recovery process.

Now, let me be clear; I'm not saying a large percentage of service groups do this... but over the years, I've heard from a goodly number of crime victims who reported they were told they should/had to forgive the offender as part of their healing process.

A much larger number said that forgiveness was first offered as just a distant possibility, but after time they felt pressured to accept it, as they were repeatedly asked whether they had forgiven the offender yet. Some of these victims -- who were no where near forgiving their offender -- told their advocates they had, simply because they needed the emotional approval and further support of the advocate in question.

Forgiveness should be an option, a door which victims can open and explore when they feel ready. It should never be pushed at victims as a panacea, or in such a way as to make victims feel as though they are disappointing those helping them if they can't accept the concept.

Some people will never reach the point of forgiveness, and it is not for us, as victim advocates, to say this is wrong. Some of the most effective victim rights activists -- and wonderful, kind individuals -- I know are crime survivors who channeled their grief and anger into action and advocacy.

We must remember that victims have already had control taken violently away from once. We should not add to that loss of control by demanding, or applying emotional pressure on them, to accept something they are not ready and willing to fully embrace.

"Dead Wives Club"

By Susan Murphy-Milano

Earlier in the week the case of missing Utah mother Susan Powell, who has not been seen since December 7, 2009, made national headlines. The family was contacted by authorizes when remains were discovered in a Wyoming field that might be those of the missing Utah mother, the family as they have been since the day she vanished braced themselves hopes of finally being able to bring her home. But, it was not Susan Powell.In the world of intimate partner violence, the person responsible or those labeled as “person’s of interest” or “prime suspects” hope the person with whom they were in a relationship or married too, are never found. This speaks volumes as to the mindset of these killers. They look at the women, the mothers of their children as their property, similar to the assets acquired during the marriage.

The abuser is often enraged by the loss of power and control, not interested in what I term "sharing the dolls and dishes" accumulated during the marriage. So they formulate a plan and change the marriage certificate into a pending death certificate to be filled out and completed like a deadly bill of sale for discarded property. Before my mother was made a member of the "dead wives club" the rights to her own life, no different than those listed, were always owned and operated by my father.

After these pieces of cowardly human garbage wives and the mothers of their children is reported missing, the vanishing victims lives are weaved into brief by-lines in a community paper then the case stays alive because it is continued over to interactive forums and Internet sites like Websleuths, Scared Monkeys or Help Find The Missing. Human lives, that once move out from the 20 second headline blurb are kept warm with new developments posted until an arrest is made or it has been solved.

The wives and mothers, whose bodies have yet to be recovered, all vanished -- not under mysterious circumstances. The women simply wanted out of the abusive and often violent marriage. It's rare that most of these so-called missing persons cases includes any records of the abuse during the marriage. And in my opinion, once a report is made, each time enough information is gathered by authorities the crime reporting category under how it is checked off on the form box needs to be moved from "a missing persons" case to "intimate partner homicide investigation" case. For a victim of abuse, calling the police during a violent incident can and does set off the abuser and escalate the violence. If the victim has children, her motherly protection mode kicks in, and she backs down for the safety of the kids.

A victim of intimate partner violence makes an initial request, as they attempt to calmy reason with their potentially violent, controlling husbands to amicably end the marriage and move on is what happens to women such as:

Susan Powell -vanished December 7, 2009;
Stacy Peterson- Vanished October 28, 2007,

Kellisue Ackernecht- vanished September 30, 2008;

Sandra Travis-vanished July 31, 2005;

Tara Grinstead-Vanished October 22, 2005;
Rosa Lisowski-vanished September 5, 2008;
Bethanie Dougherty-vanished May 4, 2007;
Venus Stewart- vanished April 26, 2010;
Liza Murphy- vanished August 19, 2007;
Rachel Anderson- vanished April 16, 2010;
Lisa Stebic- vanished April 20, 2007 ;
Renee Pernice, vanished January 1, 2009;

Or those found dead, like Kathleen Savio in a dry bathtub; Monica Beresford-Redmond, beaten to death and left in a drainage sewer in Mexico; and Linda Yancey, whose police officer husband claimed she was a victim of a home invasion. They are only a handful of women who were forced into membership in the ever growing “Dead Wives Club.”