Pay it Forward

By Michelle Simonsen

It was a sub-zero night in January, 1992.  I was 18 and ready to have some beers with my friends on a Saturday night before school resumed for the second semester.  I remember feeling safe and happy with my friends before we wandered through the frozen tundra looking for the next party.

In a few hours I would be raped.  By one of my “friends”.

After the party, we came back together and hung out in a friend’s dorm room.  I had way too many beers and was feeling really groggy and sleepy.  I crashed on the bottom bunk of my friend’s bed.  I wasn’t worried.  Every single person in that room was my friend and I trusted them.  Later I heard someone say, “Will someone take her down to her room?”  “Jim” responded that he would and then carried me over his shoulder down a flight of stairs to my room. 

That was the last thing I remember.

I was dreaming about my boyfriend who was 2,000 miles away in Marine boot camp.  When I opened my eyes and the hazy fog cleared, I realized my boyfriend was not in my bed.  It was my “friend” Jim.  I didn’t have to ask any questions.  I knew what he had done to me.  I started crying hysterically.  Jim said nothing to me.  He just walked out and I never spoke to him again.  I also never confided to any of my friends or tried to call the police.  I knew what happened to the girls who tried to press rape charges on campus.  They never won, because the system forced them to walk away.  They were shamed.  They didn’t know how to reach out to others just as I didn’t.

I spent the rest of my college years spiteful, defensive and angry. I used to think that moment was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  Somehow I took a negative and turned it into a positive.  I hope to continue paying it forward in my quest for helping others who have been victimized. 

If you too are a victim, consider taking that negative you are holding in your heart and reach out to others.  You’ll never know how good it feels when you say, “I know exactly how you feel.”

To Accept.......To Change......To Know

By Anny Jacoby

Over the years of working with victims of abuse many of us have seen first hand and listened to sad stories from countless females of all ages about the "loser" they are married to, dating or dated. In the majority of cases there were obvious "warning signs/red flags" that if they had only been educated about they would have immediately seen them; it may have saved them the emotional, mental and ultimately the physical abuse that transpired or death. I strongly encourage females who have not seen or felt the aftermath of a physical altercation to seek out photos of those who have. Physical abuse is the outward expression but you can be physically abused without even being touched. I know that you are tilting your head, raising an eyebrow and thinking......hmmmmmm? Think about this.....mental and emotional abuse causes stress. In turn, stress play's havoc on one's body and life. A few signs of stress may be anxiety, weight loss/gain, IBS, ulcers, hair falling out, the inability to focus, depression and so much more. And, if children are involved.........all types of abuse affects them as well - trust the experts on this fact.

The first and foremost mistake that is seen or heard is "he will change" or "I can change him". The reality is......."you cannot change anyone but yourself". A batterer and/or rapist will not change with a "promise" or an order by the court system to seek counseling. And, you must realize the if he hits/abuses you once, he WILL hit/abuse you again. This should be a wake-up call for you. Bells and whistles should be ringing like crazy.

The Serenity Prayer gives so much encouragement to a victim as it is imperative that you must put yourself first. No relationship is worth risking your life or the lives of your loved ones. Your safety and peace of mind is most important.

To Accept, accept the fact that people don't change and that there is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. Accept the fact that abuse is ALL about Power and Control.

Change the things that you CAN - only you can do this for yourself. Remove yourself from an unhealthy environment. You are worth it! And, your loved ones are worth it!

Obtain the Wisdom to know what a healthy relationship is. Become educated so that you know the "warning signs/red flags"; seek to be educated and learn awareness and proactive options and measures mentally, emotionally and ultimately physically.

Don't allow anyone to steal your joy and peace.

Take care and STAY SAFE!

Anny Jacoby

Personal Safety Expert and Certified Personal Defense Readiness Instructor

The Realistic Female Self-Defense Company and Project Safe Girls

www.annyjacoby.com

On Passing Down What We Have Learned So Far

By Mary Osborne

A number of years ago, when I was writing book one of my Alchemy Series, a friend gave me an unusual gift—a decorative key.  Composed of Venetian glass spun with gold, the key is embellished with crystals and metallic floral filigree.  As my friend presented me with this magical object, he explained that it symbolized my success in having integrated writing into my busy life as a mother and nurse. My friend is an author who had provided me with valuable guidance when I was working on my book project; he knew that I was not just talking about writing, I was doing it.  I had discovered the key to following my bliss. 

Years earlier, this same key was given to my friend by a female writer, who presented it to him in recognition of his ability to do the same—to live as a productive artist and author.  After I gently returned the key to its silk-lined box, my friend told me that I could keep the gift for as long as I wanted.  But eventually, I was supposed to pass it along to someone else who was coming up the ranks and discovering the secret to living an artist’s life.

That was more than five years ago, but the key still sits in my dresser, tucked inside the black box.  Why haven’t I passed along the gift?  Every now and then I would come across the box, take out the key, admire it, and consider possible recipients.  But then I would return the box to the dresser and forget about it again.   I was caught up in my own struggles, always in the midst of a project which needed my urgent attention.  And there was no one I had really guided along the artist’s path for a length of time, as my friend had guided me.  

I confess that I am now, officially, a middle aged woman, and I have achieved some success along with the failures.  There is still much to learn, but I know a few things about writing and publishing.  Like many women my age, I am trying to juggle multiple jobs (as a nurse, author, and landlord) while raising a child.  There is never enough time, which is why I am writing this post at 11:30 pm.  The truth is that I will probably never feel “caught up” with work, at least not for a long time.  There will never be a perfect time, perhaps, to be a mentor.

But if all of us who have succeeded in our careers are too busy to teach the next generation, our life lessons will die with us.  One study showed that 77% of women felt that it was difficult to find a mentor in their workplace.  (Kelley M. Butler, Wooing women:  Today’s working women seek mentors, motherhood transition)  Men, who often have less to juggle than women, have been cultivating the art of mentorship for a long time, and this is a skill women now need to develop.  In order for younger women to move into positions of leadership and to expand their voice and influence in the world, they need the guidance of those who have come before them.  They need favors, they need questions answered.  It is our turn to pass it on.

This summer I’ve had the opportunity to work with teens at various Chicago Public Library locations.  During these events, I discuss my new novel, Nonna’s Book of Mysteries, and encourage participants to dream and explore their life goals. Each teen receives a paper scroll which she decorates with sparkles and feathers, and she writes her goal in the center of the scroll.  While we are working on these projects, one of the teens invariably ask me about the process of becoming a published author.  I’m always happy to offer some encouraging words.  At the end of the program, I often feel as though I’m the one who has received a gift.  Sharing what you know has a way of making the struggle all the more worthwhile.

All of us women over forty have a wealth of knowledge and experience to share.  I know we’re all busy and sometimes still struggling ourselves.  When someone asks us for advice, guidance, or help of some kind, it’s tempting to say we just can’t at the moment.  But if we can manage to take just a little time to pass on our hard-won wisdom, we get an amazing gift in return:  the knowledge that we have contributed to someone’s future.  And this person might continue on to accomplish something we had never foreseen.  In this way, we become part of something bigger than ourselves.

The key of Venetian glass still sits in my dresser.  Out in the world, there are young writers with strong visions and the determination to express themselves and publish books. One of them will receive the key, and I hope her success and influence far exceeds mine.  As the heroine of Nonna’s Book of Mysteries is told by her dear friend, “We all stand on the shoulders of those who came before us.”

Mary Osborne is the award-winning author of Nonna’s Book of Mysteries (Lake Street Press, June 2010) and the forthcoming Alchemy’s Daughter.  A registered nurse, teen advocate, and artist, she lives in Chicago.  

Who Does Society Blame for Domestic Violence?

By Barry Goldstein

For many years I have enjoyed the privilege of teaching classes in a New York Model Batterer Program. We are taught that sexism causes domestic violence and sexism is rooted in history. With that in mind it is useful to look at the history of domestic violence from the point of view of whom society has blamed for men's abuse of women over the years.

For thousands of years the answer would have been no one because society accepted the idea of men hitting their wives. Although the terminology was different at the time, the first domestic violence law in the U.S. said that husbands could not beat their wives----ON SUNDAY. The obvious implication was that any other day it would be acceptable. The term "rule of thumb" is based on legal reforms that a husband could not beat his wife with an object thicker than his thumb. There is some dispute about this, but clearly it was based on widespread belief husbands were permitted to hit their wives. Until fairly recently the media often depicted heroes in movies and television assaulting their wives such as the famous scene from McLintock where John Wayne spanks Maureen O'Hara. Even though laws have changed, the fact that what we now call domestic violence was legal and acceptable until fairly recently continues to affect society's response to domestic violence.

In the mid to late 1970s domestic violence started to become a public issue and wife beating was no longer accepted. At the time there was no research about the cause of men's abuse of women or how to prevent it. Some people saw a group of women who were beaten by their partners and other women who as far as we knew were safe. The first assumption was that the women whose partners were abusing them must be doing something to cause his abuse. Accordingly the initial efforts were focused on changing women's behavior.

Women were sent for counseling or therapy to learn how to behave in order to avoid his abuse. Some women were taught communication skills. The therapist for one of my clients told her to wear a sexy negligee to welcome her abusive husband home. In other words a blame the victim strategy was widespread. I want to be clear that not all communities or professionals favored the strategies I will discuss, but I am generalizing about the most common practices.

The strategies that emphasized blaming the woman did not work. We know this because during the time these were the most common responses to domestic violence there was no reduction is domestic violence homicide, serious injuries and emergency room visits. Later research demonstrated that there is no difference before his abuse between women who would later be abused by their partners and those who as far as we know were not abused. In other words practices based on blaming the woman turned out to be a failure and gradually more and more professionals and communities looked for more effective responses.

In the 1980s into the early 90s many professionals came to believe that it wasn't just her fault, but rather each party contributed to his abuse. Domestic violence was more likely to be viewed as a relationship problem. Accordingly when women sought protection and prosecution after assaults by their partners, they were often referred to family court. Family court was more focused on reconciliation than penalizing his abuse. Couples were often sent for therapy or counseling where cooperation and communication skills were emphasized. The unqualified mental health professionals regularly used in custody court pressured women to forget his abuse. Frequently, women who were brutally assaulted by their partners would have to listen to confident lectures by judges saying that both parties were responsible for the abuse and they each had to make changes to promote a good relationship.

This approach of blaming the relationship or both parties did no better than the previous blame the victim approach. We know this because while this was the primary response to domestic violence complaints, the level of domestic violence homicide, serious injury and emergency room visits remained the same.

As it became ever more obvious that these practices weren't working, communities increasingly moved toward holding the abuser accountable. This practice became more common in the 1990s. This involved enforcing criminal laws and violations of protective orders more strictly. In retrospect, it seems obvious that the person responsible for domestic violence is the one who is assaulting or otherwise harming his partner. The research is now clear that only accountability and monitoring are effective responses to domestic violence.

We know that holding the abuser accountable is the best practice because as this became the recommended practice, at least in the criminal justice system, domestic violence homicides, serious injuries and emergency room admissions finally started to decline. Even more convincing was the fact that some communities worked together to create strict enforcement and these communities saw an even more dramatic decline particularly of domestic violence homicide.

A few years ago Mo Hannah and I did a presentation at an NCADV Conference in which I cited these statistics and mentioned Quincy, Massachusetts, Nashville, Tennessee and San Diego, California as three communities that had developed particularly effective programs. After the presentation a woman came up and informed me this was no longer true in Nashville. It seems a new administration took over, dismantled the successful program and the domestic violence homicide rate went back up.

Despite the mistakes in Nashville, the trend would be positive except for the constant failures in the custody court system. Abusers were not happy with the progress society was making in reducing domestic violence even though it resulted in a larger reduction of domestic violence homicides of men than women. They decided to attack women at their most vulnerable point--their children. Abuser rights groups encouraged their members to go after custody as a way of maintaining what they believe is their right to control their partners.

The custody court system, using practices that were created at a time when no domestic violence research was available and happy to see fathers who claim to want to spend substantial time with their children, routinely fail to recognize this abuser tactic. As a result, the courts are sending thousands of children to live with abusers and often taking safe, protective mothers out of their children's lives. This is done in retaliation for the mother's attempts to protect their children. The courts mistake the mothers' protective actions for alienation.

One of the routine mistakes custody courts make is to assume the end of the relationship will end the danger. In reality after a woman leaves is the most dangerous period. Seventy percent of men killing their female partners do so after she has left. While mothers are severely punished, often with the denial of normal contact with their children for continuing to believe their allegations of abuse after the court fails to believe them, custody courts almost never penalize abusers for continuing to deny their abuse after a finding against them. Experts with an understanding of the effects of domestic violence on children recommend that initially the mother receive custody and the abusive father supervised visitation. In order to qualify for unsupervised visitation, the father needs to complete a batterer program, admit his abuse and his sole responsibility for his abuse, apologize for the harm he caused, understand the harm his behavior has caused to children and make a commitment never to do it again. In other words the court should be taking actions to hold him accountable and make it clear that changing his attitudes and behavior is the only action that will restore unsupervised visitation. These practices would serve to discourage domestic violence and give a clear message that this behavior is no longer tolerated. The present practices accomplish just the opposite.

The historical perspective described above is particularly helpful in understanding the pattern of mistakes in domestic violence custody cases. While other institutions including criminal courts adopted accountability practices that were responsible for a reduction in the most serious forms of domestic violence, the custody courts continue to use practices that blame the victim or blame both parties for the abuser's mistreatment of his partner. In other words they continue to employ outdated and discredited practices.

This widespread failure of the custody courts to recognize abuser tactics of going after the children to maintain control over their partners has made this strategy successful. We are seeing more mothers stay with abusers or return to them in order to be near their children and try to protect them. They have learned the custody courts will not protect their children. Often the mothers are accepting the fathers' beatings in order to be near their children. Some of the mothers do not survive this decision and as a result the domestic violence homicide rate that had been improving for many years has recently gone up again. We have also seen increased danger to children. In the nine months ending in April of 2010, fathers involved in contested custody cases murdered at least 75 of their children often with the unwitting assistance of the custody courts. This is likely to continue as long as the custody courts use practices that blame the victim or blame the relationship for the brutal behavior of an abuser.


Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. He is the co-editor with Mo Therese Hannah of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY. 

The Accused Lady Killer - “I know what you are - you’re nothing but a Womanizer.”

Britney Spears knows these men are called Womanizer. A man that is not necessarily attractive, yet beholds exquisite game. He reels in several women with his empty promises of love, candle lit dinners, and great wit when he's only interested in sex. He is almost always a self-described asshole and feels no remorse when playing with women's emotions. Sometimes these men have so much game that women overlook the fact that they are being played.

Have you ever heard the saying, "Hate the sin, not the sinner.” or the more hip version "Don't hate the playa, hate the game" (DHTPHTG) in textspeak. Example: “Yo, even tho' you busted my man Stephen, we hadda pardon him, bro...DHTPHTG...”

Landshark

Even though accused lady killer Stephen Nodine is on so called House Arrest for the murder of Angel Downs, it hasn’t slowed him down. It would seem it has though sharpened his womanizing skills. A few of his recent female pigeons have chosen to share some of their experiences. Likening it to being chased by a landshark - a cunning urban predator. Thankfully they kept their distance and were not harmed. The RED FLAGS are up - he can pounce on you and you won’t even see it coming.

Those fed up with Nodine antic's are saying:

(*someone representing himself as Stephen Nodine contacted them)

• Nodine has a Match.com site with an ID of Beach47M.
• Nodine has had numerous affairs with women under 20, saying he has lied, cheated, and abused his way to the top.
• His ex-sister-in-law stated he stole money from her sister, lied to her and drank too much.
• Nodine currently reports he is bored, misses being able to run. Now runs around his driveway, mows the grass, and chases lounge lizards on the deck.
• He reading Charles Colson's book "Born Again." Says he got religion again while in jail.
• Nodine is online and on the phone trolling for women.
• Celebrated a 47th Birthday party complete with the best ever German choc cake.
• He is writing a book, he's on the 5th chapter and said he's already had 3 offers. It centers around his growing up in Juno Beach, the Bahamas, his political times.
• He's allegedly looking for help to develop a vehicle to show how great he is.
• He attends services at Methodist Dauphin Way in spite of they are all Democrats who can't believe he is still "walking tall."
• He confesses to a foot and hand fetish as long as you don't have bunions or fake nails.
• He fantasizes about walks on the beach, which are now relagated to his driveway.
• He says he's a soul brother and can really dance alot like Elaine on Seinfeld.
• The world is kicking his butt but he keeps a crap eating smile on his face cause he knows God loves him.
• He say he knows "who I am and his laywers will be in touch." Mr. Nodine please have any communication sent to Susan Murphy Milano at P.O. Box 14946, Surfside Beach, SC 29587 and of course my lawyers will respond to your ramblings. And Mr. Nodine ---Please make sure you have a chance to get your favorite beverage before your mandated curfew so you can listen in comfort and style to our show. And we invite you to participate in our live chat room during the show.
• He suddenly relaized last week he needed a haircut - it's all messed up.

You hang around a barbershop or beauty shop long enough and sooner or later you'll get a hair cut - at least that's what they say...
at Bella's Salon and Spa. For on July 21st at 10am in Mobile, AL a middle aged man comes in to get a hair cut. He sits downs - he has a certain air of arrogance about him? He asks repetitively “Don’t you know who I am? You really have no clue who I am?” (They must have missed the GPS on his ankle.)

The pretty hairdresser keeps working and answers “No should I?” Thinking maybe he’s a celebrity? The phone rings and the receptionist answers it, she yells out, “It’s a parole agent and he wants to speak to Steve Nodine."

One can imagine a collective - EWWWWW we had an accused murderer here in our Salon and didn’t even know it?! That's frightening!

Why didn’t Nodine go to a man's barber shop for his pseudo-military hairdo? Could it be because there are no women in a barbershop? He enjoys the game.

A womanizer is a man who always seems to make women fall for him. A skilled, charming man, not necessarily attractive, who can thoroughly make you believe that he loves you. Usually he is just there to get in your pants. However, there are actually some sadistic men out there who just like to do it for fun, or for control, attention, revenge or worse.

Other Dangerous Players aka Lady Killers:
Drew Peterson - who could forget the Drew Peterson Dating Game?
OJ Simpson
Scott Peterson
Brad Cunningham

Men who murder their female partners are often motivated by a need to save face by regaining a sense of power and control if the woman threatens to leave, or does leave. Some men are jealous; some are hopped up on drugs; some are career criminals; some are suicidal or depressed; and some, are materially motivated. "Why Do They Kill?: Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners" by David Adams

"They're narcissists," says retired FBI profiler Candice De- Long, who lives in San Francisco. "Life is all about them." "For narcissists, it's not just that they love themselves," DeLong says, "but it's how others see them. Their image to others, to the world, is what's really important. And to have a chink in that armor is totally unacceptable. And that chink can be anything." Often, it's a damning secret. Did Nodine fear Angel would tell on him? Steve has lead a very troubled past and his future is none too bright either.

According to Eric W. Hickey murderers of intimate partners are more likely to have a history of drug and alcohol abuse, to be more frequently intoxicated and to be more verbally abusive and physically violent.

Support Justice for Angel Downs on Facebook

Join us Mon 7/26/2010 8PM CST on Blog Talk Radio Show Intimate Partner Homicide Investigation with hosts Sheryl McCollum, MS, Director of the Cold Case Investigative Research Institute and Susan Murphy-Milano Violence Expert and Author - you may listen online, call in or podcast show. There is a live chat also.

WARNING: Your Cell Phone or Internet May Be Hazardous to Your Health. Accused murder suspect Stephen Nodine knows how to manipulate women, the media and the system.

*My comments are only my opinion, not fact. It is my commentary on the topic, and I'm exercising my 1st Amendment rights as a US citizen. Comments are NOT made with any malicious intent.

Disposable People

By Heidi Hiatt

Whhzzzzzzzt.

Rip.

Crumple crumple crumple.

Thunk.

Swush.

Thud.

For those who think this series of sound effects describes the use of a paper towel, you’re right. But these sound effects can also be used to illustrate the use of people.

People, women especially, seem to have become commodities in the realm of modern relationships. They are used, abused, and thrown aside like trash when the consumer becomes disenchanted with their latest acquisition.

Treating other human beings like garbage seems to have become the norm in our society. Modern dating involves test driving any number of different models for however long they are useful. Modern marriages are frequently terminated when selfishness outweighs togetherness. We live in an age of throwaway humanity.

Being treated as disposable is the only way of life some people have ever known. No matter how much of themselves they pour into a relationship, or how hard they try, it’s never enough. No amount of love, goodness, hard work, ethics, or sacrifice will satisfy some empty, endlessly ravenous people.

When a relationship requires actual commitment, effort, or consideration of the other above self, many people simply throw in the towel and move on. Standing up for their partner, or making them number one in their life, is more of a price than they are willing to pay. Especially if it means standing up to critical or controlling forces in their life.

This also happens when people stand up for themselves against abuse and mistreatment. Instead of getting help or going to therapy, many people would rather abandon their partner than face their personal demons. They often blame their partner for their own issues and angrily move on to their next train wreck.

When did it become okay to treat other human beings so casually, especially when you’ve pledged a commitment to them? Turn on nearly any television station, and you’ll see this behavior portrayed as normal. Often people on TV become intimately involved, break up, rinse, repeat, and rinse, and repeat. The cycle plays out over and over as if no one ever gets hurt and everyone’s just fine with being a temporary thrill.

Where’s the respect in that—for the other party and for oneself? In reality, this cycle can be very damaging to its participants. Besides the normal risks of pregnancy and disease, there is a psychological cost to the ongoing attachment and detachment of oneself with others.

Every time we give ourselves to another person, we seem to leave a piece of ourselves behind. We’ve given them things we can never get back. When we’re dumped for the latest shiny new toy, the grief can be devastating. We may blame ourselves even though we aren’t the guilty party.

Millions of people seem perfectly okay with mutual, continual pairing for convenience and pleasure. But then they wonder why their committed relationships and marriages don’t work out. If they’ve lived as if their partners exist for their enjoyment and gratification before commitment, do they have a fighting chance at happily ever after when they settle down?

Most people can’t change from self-centered to self-sacrificing overnight. It takes practice. Many are unwilling to even try. When the going gets rough, they just get going. On to the next one. And the next one. As if fostering an addiction, they are constantly searching for the partner who will be okay with them putting themselves first.

Ask a coworker. A relative. A friend. You will quickly find someone who has suffered the pain of being treated like a throwaway person. It’s frightening how many people can relate to this. It’s even more frightening how many of those tossed aside were conned into that initial relationship by someone claiming to want long-term commitment.

There are predators out there, people who claim to want the same things out of life that you do. But you don’t find out until much later that they aren’t serious about those things. They just said what they had to say to get what they wanted. As you got to know them, they were listening to what’s important to you, and then pretended to have the same values, or care about similar subjects.

They may stay with you for months, or even years. But in time you find that you’ve been one of several simultaneous relationships, or that they have other interests they wish to pursue. Astoundingly, sometimes these same adventure seekers want to remain “friends”, meaning they want to see other people and keep their options open with you. Or they want your emotional support and approval while they physically bond elsewhere, as if you have become their parent.

This behavior is epidemic. It is so common in our society that it seems few people are shocked by this behavior, and some even expect it. Condemning it may be considered archaic. However, this self-centered, nomadic relationship philosophy hurts a lot of good people. It destroys lives.

The victims of serial couplers are often left in a state of self-doubting shock, struggling with horrifically strong feelings of unworthiness. But they may also become desensitized to being used as an object or a means to an end. They become numb to the life-altering consequences of participating in the same narcissistic behavior. In this way the number of people engaging in shallow, egocentric liaisons multiplies like a plague.

We were never intended to be living Happy Meals, enjoyed for a limited duration and then chucked into the nearest trash can. We are meant to be in loving, lasting relationships in which we grow and learn with a devoted partner. We are supposed to be building our lives together with like-minded people, not bolstering our egos or accumulating conquests through devouring others.

Call it old-fashioned, but it is our current culture of disposable people that is largely responsible for the breakdown of the institutions of marriage and family. If we want to give our children a realistic chance at true love, stability, and a society without domestic violence, we need to stop our vampire-like coupling rituals and start setting an unselfish example. We need to be the role models our kids need.

Unless we learn from our mistakes and make a concerted effort to treat other people the way we want to be treated, this downward spiral will continue to suck in victims. It will chew them up and spit them out, bleeding and traumatized.

For those of us who believe that someday we’ll have to give an account of ourselves, how will we justify the repeated consumption of other human beings to our Creator? Can we possibly excuse this use of other people as being necessary to our own well-being? Why do we expect other human beings to fill a God-shaped hole in our hearts?

Millions of people have been the paper towel. Or the Styrofoam cup. Or the aluminum can. They know how it feels to be tossed from a moving car, roll into a ditch, and sit there on the side of the road festering under a hot sun. It’s lonely. It’s miserable. They may never be able to get back out of the ditch.

Their partners drive on, too focused on their next cold drink or snack to show any real remorse for treating another person so callously. Because in their world, it’s all about them, and what gives them maximum gratification on demand.

Let’s hope they wake up to their self-absorption before they drive off a cliff. They’ve left a wide swath of destruction in their wake and will destroy themselves as well if they keep treating precious individuals as expendable commodities.

We are all worth so much more than this.

The natural life in each of us is something self-centered, something that wants to be petted and admired, to take advantage of other lives, to exploit the whole universe. –C.S. Lewis

The Band Aid Remedy Isn't Good Enough

 By Lyn Twyman

For over thirty years, organizations across the U.S. have been addressing domestic violence, sexual assault and crime victims with resources and services.  We now have numerous shelters, referral programs, trillions of pounds of paper brochures and literature and an unknown vast number of hundreds of thousands of websites.  Yet, according to statistics that are reported, collectively there are still tens of millions of victims of domestic violence each year.  The actual number of victims are unknown due to the way crime statistics are gathered, lack of reporting and simply no reporting. 

Within these numbers lies the obvious victims, the murdered, the women who are shot by jealous men, and men who are horrifically assaulted by angry women.  But, within these numbers, also lies the silent victims, those who are still breathing and have not told anyone about their abuse, straight men and women, homosexual men and women, the disabled, the elderly, children, teenagers, white collar workers, blue collar workers, the religious and the missing.  They are physically assaulted, sexually violated, hammered emotionally and verbally and living in isolation, even the kind of isolation and torture that comes from abductions like what happened to Jaycee Dugard and Shawn Hornbeck .  Both Jaycee and Shawn had lived in communities and been victims of violence right under the noses of neighbors and law enforcement.

What makes it difficult for families and community organizations to cope with the issue of domestic violence has nothing to do with a lack of resources because there are plenty of them.  There are programs that have been created to help facilitate services in every aspect.  There is, however, a lack of a national, cohesiveness around this issue and a need for true zero tolerance.  Just because we have laws on the books against domestic violence, does not mean, as a nation, we do not tolerate domestic violence. 

Here is an example of why I believe right here in America we still tolerate violence.  Take, for example, Chris Brown and Rihanna.  I know most are tired of hearing about this once Hollywood celebrity couple.  But many people have heard more about them than the domestic violence organizations, and many still blame Rihanna for the violence she suffered that night in February of 2009.  There are allegations that Rihanna began the violence that night and the couple had had a history of violence.    But many still feel that what happened to her and to the degree of violence, she deserved.  Whether you like Chris Brown or Rihanna is beyond the point here. 

Now more recently in the case of Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva, many blogs have said, “Oksana must be a gold digger.”  “ She provoked Mel to say what he said”.  Really? Are you kidding me?  She deserved threats to her life, abusive words like bitch and whore and the one that made headlines "Raped by a pack of niggers "?  Then, Mel goes on about burning the house down.  But yet, this is still acceptable behavior, somehow, in the minds of many, justifiable.  I do not know all that went on in either couples’ relationship, but I know the acts of violence that made headlines was and is wrong.

Also, let us look at how many times we hear of an assault, particularly against a woman, and the response to the incident is “Well, what did she do to provoke it?.”  Now think about when a man is assaulted by a woman?  The popular response is often “She must be crazy. “ “ She must have mental issues.”  Why is that?  Because society in the back of their minds expects men to naturally physically retaliate to perceived physical and verbal threats even if it means with excessive force.  Women are not expected to raise a hand, and when they do, mentally there must be something wrong.  Now, if it is a gay or lesbian couple, somehow we just do not want to talk about that or we say to ourselves “'They're just in a heated lovers battle.”  “They'll work it out” or “How funny, two homosexuals arguing,” thus, more examples of tolerance for violence in this country.  So our attitudes nationally need to change, that violence from men and women is wrong.  How do we get to the point that we do not accept violence and feel the same way we do about hunger, poverty, the flu, a broken leg or even cancer?  We should want violence to go away with the same passion as a sickness, ailment or disease.

The devastating ills of domestic violence has to become a household issue and can no longer be swept under the rug, tucked away in some hidden closet only to be brought out on special occasions, glorified in a sickening sense like fine china, for the occasions where we hear about the classic Chris Brown and Rihanna or Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva, or even in the fatal ends of Steve McNair and Yeardley Love.  As a society, we should be in the habit now of checking our relationships for domestic violence, abuse and watching our neighborhoods and communities for signs.  But how do we get to this point?  How do we get to the point where we are not operating by simply putting a band aid on the problem as the remedy?

I have a ton of respect for national organizations that have paved the way for domestic violence in the last 30 years.  I know most of them by name, large and small but only because I am an advocate and have made it a mission to, not only learn about them, but work to collaborate with them.  But, ask the average American who are the national domestic violence, sexual assault and crime victims organizations, and a majority could not tell you, let alone their own community organizations.  If you say the names, however, of PETA, St. Jude Hospital, American Red Cross or even Feed the Children, Americans know who they are. So, herein rests my point. 

I do not believe we need any more national organizations for domestic violence.  I believe we need more community organizations with comprehensive model programming to empower victims into becoming survivors from start to finish and not half way or to meet status quo.  We even need programs for abusers before they hit prison such as Donna Savage's Domestic Violence and AIDS Mission's abuser hotline:  http://www.dvamnj.org.    Additionally, the old saying goes "Crime doesn't pay," but crime is paying, and it is paying many organizations to the point that they are not helping victims as they should with donations and grants, not being clear about spending, to the point even professed leaders of these organizations, and some victims, are only looking to profit. 

Did you know that next year marks the 16th Anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act (or VAWA, which has provisions for men by the way) and also marks its reauthorization?  Along with that comes over 700 million dollars with that reauthorization that will go to various grant programs to help community organizations, advocates, Federal, State and local law enforcement, judiciaries and victims programs just to name a few.  Now, take a look at the following link on the Department of Justice website from the Office of Violence Against Women:  http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/join-the-list.htm It is a list of "Celebrities and Other Public Figures" who have lent their names "to reinforce the goal of ending domestic and dating violence, sexual assault and stalking for men, women and children across the country."  There is approximately 100 names on this list and it is not all inclusive.  With this massive list of celebrities, it seems like there should be awareness and prevention of domestic violence…

So I ask you, can we create a heightened awareness for domestic violence?  Can this country take this issue of violence seriously and not politicize it?  Can all states adopt bullying and dating curriculum for schools?  Can women and men victims get complete help and support without shelters placing conditions on the children in order to weed out who they help?  Can we become a society of prevention where even the police look to prevent violence, like the Royal Canadian Mounted Police ,rather than react to it at every turn?  Can social workers and judges be trained on violence and not enter the field with an assumption they understand the issue?  Can we have a surgence of community organizations with comprehensive programming and more national awareness to drive support back to them?

I have reached out to several national organizations, who I believe have carved out a critical, pain-staking path for this country, asking them to take the lead in this matter because they play a crucial part of this social problem.  At the end of the day, it is not about who can get to the finish line first, but who can get to the finish line with the most survivors and those living resilient lives. 

We can only do that if we work together.

Lyn Twyman is the Founder of Courage Network which works nationally, as a community, to change the perceptions of domestic violence and bring unification towards a common goal.

There's a Law Against That!

By Tad DiBiase

Recently, while on vacation, I picked up a copy of the USA Today. There was a fascinating article inside that made me say, as I often do, "Now why didn't I think of that?" 

The article, found HERE, discusses a trend at the state level to increase penalties against defendants who choke their victims. Studies showed that choking is often used by domestic abusers and can be a prelude to murder.

Indeed, a 2008 study in the Journal of Emergency Medicine notes that 43% of women who were murdered in domestic assaults and 45% of women who were victims of attempted murder had been choked in the past year by their male partners. 

In most states, choking would in all likelihood be prosecuted as a misdemeanor with the penalties being, at most, less than one year in jail. As noted in the article, in Delaware more than half of all choking cases in one county were prosecuted as misdemeanors over a four month period. Thus, a proverbial slap on the wrist for most domestic abusers. 

Thanks to the study in Delaware done by two state troopers, however, Delaware passed a new law increasing the penalty to five years for choking. (Getting judges to give out these sentences is a whole other story.) In my own experience as a domestic violence homicide prosecutor I often saw not only domestic abuse as a prelude to murder but specifically choking as well. 

As with many domestic murders, it's more about power and control than a murderous instinct. Choking is deeply personal since it requires the victim and the abuser to be so close together and typically a man can overpower his female partner. Moreover, choking does not usually lead to death making it the perfect tool to control the victim yet let her live another day. 

Often the only way to break the cycle of violence by abusers is if they get enough of a wakeup call before they kill that lets them know domestic abuse won't be tolerated. Having a state law that makes choking a felony is a good first step.

Tad DiBiase

Can You Trust Your Child’s Teacher?

By: Gaétane F. Borders

For Lamya Cannon’s mother, the answer to this question is a resounding NO! You remember the story….. last fall her teacher cut off one of her braids because she had been playing with her hair. According to her mother, Lamya’s teacher admitted to doing so, but did not seem remorseful. After initially hearing about this situation, I wondered out loud if there were any indications that this teacher was…well…unstable before this unbelievable incident? Had there been similar occurrences with other students? Or, did she just “snap” on that day. Typically speaking, there are telltale signs that suggest that something just ain’t right.

So, how can you tell if your child’s teacher is behaving badly? Well, it’s important to know that young children are typically not able to articulate their feelings. Instead, they may express somatic complaints (i.e. Stomachaches, headaches, sore throats etc.). They may cry or tantrum when its time to go to school, or you may notice a drastic decline in their grades. Or, they may begin to emphasize how much they hate school. Any and all of these behaviors is cause for your concern because they suggest that something may not be right.

Of Course, there are also more obvious indicators as well. In fact, there is a list of educator No-no’s which include but are not limited to:

• Telling students to “Shut up!”

• Calling students “stupid” or “idiots”

• Cutting their hair (sigh)

• Hitting, slapping, or shoving students

• Creating a classroom environment that breads bullying, teasing, or taunting

• Denying students the opportunity to learn by repeatedly sending them out of class

What would you do if this happened to your child? Just how common do things like this happen in schools? These are questions that parents are surely asking themselves after Lamya’s story hit the news. Please realize that as a parent, you have a tremendous amount of power. Many times, parents are intimidated by school administrators and the procedures. However, it is critical that you speak up and report any issues that are concerning to you. First, speak to your child to get their story. Take detailed notes, including dates and names. Next, speak directly with the teacher and ask that an assistant principal is present. Also contact the school principal and make them aware of your concerns. Indicate in no uncertain terms that you are ready and willing to bring your complaints to the school board if your concerns are not taken seriously. Put everything in writing for legal purposes and give the school an opportunity to act appropriately. If you do not feel comfortable with their decision, by all means call the school board…and an attorney.

I must say that as a School Psychologist who has devoted her life to making a positive impact in the lives of students…I am simply appalled when I learn of incidents of impropriety by educators. There is NEVER an excuse or reason to cause physical or emotional trauma to a child. Educators are held to a certain standard of excellence, as they not only educate children, but must also ensure their emotional and physical safety. That is why it is so disconcerting when the very people who are supposed to protect children are the ones at fault.

Albeit extreme, I wish that I could say Lamya’s story is an isolated incident….but with all honesty I cannot. No doubt, the preponderance of educators are phenomenal and committed to the art of educating and inspiring students. However, as with any other profession, there are some bad apples. Identifying these educators and making sure that they are appropriately disciplined is key. The impact that teachers make is inarguable, and when a teacher behaves badly it can have lasting effects on academic performance, as well as self-esteem.

Living in Midtown Disturbia?

The first time I became aware of house arrest and ankle bracelets was watching the 2007 suspense thriller movie “Disturbia”. The lead young man “Kale”, played by Shai LeBeouf, went stir crazy because he was not allowed to leave his house. Kale is on house arrest for a minor infraction, the story has a beautiful girl and a murderer living next door. It’s a little like Rear Window with a twist. A very bored Kale decides to spy on his neighbors, one who just happens to be a serial killer. Hence the title of the movie “Disturbia” - after all even killers have to live next door to someone.

What Is House Arrest?

According to ehow.com - A arrest is an alternative form of incarceration in which the prisoner serves his or her sentence while in the confines of his or her home. House arrest is utilized in few cases. These cases usually involve a low degree of seriousness; thus, crimes such as murder and manslaughter usually do not qualify for consideration of house-arrest sentencing.

This is of course unless you live on Georgia St. in Midtown “Disturbia” where an accused murderer can live right next door. If you live in this neighborhood just don’t stumble across any secrets that could just cost you your life. Remember the quote from the movie, “He’s hiding something and he knows that we know that.”

In a "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life" funny kind-of-way, Steve Nodine was recently released and placed on house arrest in Midtown Mobile, AL. Unlike Kale, Nodine is no young man (he turned 47 last week). He isn’t on house arrest for a minor infraction, he’s accused of murdering a beautiful woman named Angel Downs. The neighbors don’t like thinking they are living next door to an accused killer.

Stealth Steve - I like to Play

“Do you think he sees us?” “No but he feels us watching.” is what I imagine is being said between the media and law enforcement as they sit on stakeout watching Stealth Steve.

There’s been “Stealth Steve” sightings posted on Lagniappe FaceBook Page with interesting comments.

I just saw Nodine stroll into Spot of Tea with a "Y'all keep praying" sign-off to 2 greeters. Drove away in a mini- SUV after spending 3 minutes inside. Weds 6/23/2010

Nodine was spotted at Griffith Shell this morning filling up his interestingly-named Ford Escape. He was dressed for business and chatting up customers. Tues 6/22/2010 9:01am

Those who know of Nodine’s penchant for womanizing won’t think it odd that he may also be looking for a new pigeon to prey on - albeit online. Rumor is his Match.com ID might be Beach47M, and profile says “Lets get on with life. We all have issues and hurdels, so lets jump over them and enjoy life.” Comforting to think he’s so understanding, isn’t it?

Where else do you get this kind of entertainment?

Nodine has a visible Facebook page, complete with an orange glo Steve on Orange Beach (Man Tan) His sister Laura Coffey commented on Steve's status after July 6th. Something about her baking him a cake with toenail shavings in it. Steve's witty comeback was something like - probably but out of the joint with those toes shaving instead of file :)

The cake was in honor of Nodine’s 47th birthday. Gossip at the gas station was Steve was having a party at his new digs - Lynam’s house, with an open bar. It was reported that Steve wouldn’t be drinking, not because he’s turned over a new leaf, but because he can’t. Some say his GPS Bio Sensor ankle bracelet not only knows where he is but may also know and if he has any alcohol enter his system. Other's say it's not a bio-sensor just GPS. A small consolation (see questions below)

Last Fri night John Lynam was said to be entertaining the friends of Steve Nodine. Spare no expense. It’s costing John his regularly scheduled visitation with his own children. Isn't this a violation of the house arrest? Gas station talk and Facebook friends seem to know more about the goings on in the haunted house on Georgia street then the authorities. Does this haunted victorian house hold more twisted secrets? Here’s hoping it’s not a friendly ghost visiting Steve.

Nodine now has a website called Friends of Steve Nodine Legal Defense Fund soliciting funds for his attorney. Funny thing is there’s lots of pic’s of Steve but few photo’s of any friends (and shrinking). Sen. Richard Shelby and Jo Bonner have disappeared from the site. It was also reported the alleged friend who put up the site was very irate when it leaked out who he was. Seems the only friends who’ll make a personal appearance on Steve’s behalf are of questionable character. Imagine that?!

With no court date set the accused killer now has time now to sun on the deck, texting, emailing (so called) friends, play video games, build the tower of twinkie (from stalkers handbook) and look for virtual love on-line. Warning - he’s bored as hell ... don’t send him your pics!.

Can a leopard change his spots? I don’t think so. “There’s something seriously messed up here.” No more flashing a badge and pretending to be an officer but it won’t be long and he’ll be back in the spotlight. He just can’t help himself.

Support Justice for Angel Downs on Facebook - Unwavering commitment to convicting her killer.

I wish the media would cover this story more. Why is there not more transparency to the working of the justice system? I have a few questions about the Alabama House Arrest and Electronic Monitoring Programs.

• What is the Alabama Code covering House arrest program and electronic monitoring program? Who approves this program what board? (Note: Nodine Served on Alabama Sentencing Commission, 2004-2008.)
• If he is on restricted travel? How was he able to go into his friend's restaurant A Spot of Tea? His parole officer would have had to given prior approval. If not was he reprimanded or once again given special treatment?
  
• Nodine has had behavior patterns such as drug addiction, violence, flight risk, fed indictment and impeachment, I consider him to pose to great a risk to the community. How did he qualify for these programs? How could a judge with a good conscience allow him to qualify?
• What are the policies and procedures for House arrest and electronic monitoring programs? Who approves and implements the programs? Is it Federal? Are the cases being grouped together?
  
• What is the frequency of face-to-face and collateral contacts to ensure offenders’ compliance with the conditions of the House Arrest Program.
• Was Lynam's rented house approved as a stable residence? Did the owner of the home have to approve of the home being used as a branch of the jail? (Can a stable residence have a open bar party for the participant? Isn't home suppose to be gun, drug and alcohol free?)
• Is it a requirement that Nodine have stable employment as defined by Department rules and regulations? Is Nodine required to pay for the house arrest and electronic monitoring and what is it costing him? If he's not employed who is paying for it?
• What are the requirements for his participation and continued participation?
• What are the procedures for violations?
• Is Nodine attending classes or counseling as a ordered by the court?
• Is the ankle-worn device one that measures ingested alcohol through a sensor that rests firmly on the client's skin? Does it also have drug testing capability? If not how is he being tested and how often?
• Why wasn't Nodine arrested for impersonating an officer - a Class C misdemeanor.
  
• Didn't Nodine violate his duty to support the U.S. and Alabama Constitutions? Why not be charged?