Do Women Assault Men as Often as Men Assault Women?

by Barry Goldstein

The first time I attended a NOMAS (National Organization for Men Against Sexism) Conference, a college professor with ties to "fathers' rights" groups made a presentation at the Men's Studies Association. He claimed he had new research, but when he spoke, he instead repeated claims that fathers are mistreated in custody courts and women hit men about as often as men hit women. His "research" consisted of speaking to a bunch of male supremacists complaining about their ex-partners. When it became obvious he had obtained the speaking position fraudulently, Moshe Rozdzial, co-chair of NOMAS and other leaders had the courage to get up in front of the entire conference and stop the presentation. Moshe said he couldn't allow the professor to continue making statements that went against everything NOMAS stands for.

Unfortunately, journalists, academics, grant providers and program planners usually don't have the knowledge and courage necessary to prevent the spread of this kind of misinformation. We frequently see academic studies that claim women hit men as often as men hit women. Journalists often uncritically incorporate these reports into news stories for the same reason they look for man bites dog stories.

Some unqualified researchers seek to determine the relative assaults by men and women by counting the hits. Men tend to be bigger and stronger than their female partners. They hit harder and cause more serious injuries, but these difference are regularly ignored. Men and women also hit their partners for very different reasons. Men hit their partners to maintain control and to be able to make the major decisions in the relationship as they believe they are entitled to do. Women more often hit their partners in self-defense and to stop his abuse. There are exceptions to all of these examples, but generally it is true.

How do we know men and women hit for different reasons? 75% of men who kill their women partners do so after she has left and this is not true of women who kill their partners. The men do this out of a belief system that she has no right to leave him. When society started to address domestic violence issues and made it easier for women to obtain criminal prosecution, divorce, financial support, restraining orders, shelter and community support, the domestic violence homicide rate went down significantly particularly as greater efforts were made to hold men accountable. While the number of women killed by their male partners went down from 1600 to 1250, the number of men killed by women was reduced from 1400 to 550. Why would laws and practices designed to promote women's safety save so many more men's lives? Many women killed their partners because they did not believe there was any other way to get away from him. Once other resources were available, women no longer believed they had to kill him to be safe.

Most important in understanding the difference between men and women regarding domestic violence is that it is extremely common for women to be afraid her partner will kill or seriously hurt her. Women are so afraid that they will give in, do whatever she thinks he wants and let him make the decision just so he won't hurt her. At the same time it almost never happens that men are so afraid that his partner will kill or seriously injure him that he will give in, do whatever he thinks she wants and let her make the decision just so she won't hurt him.

The flawed research also fails to consider sexual abuse between men and women which is almost always committed by men. Rape crisis centers and other services for women are widespread and badly needed in our society. No such services have developed for men because there is no such need. Men sometimes like to refer to Lorena Bobbitt, who cut off her husband's penis, as proof they are also in danger. Imagine what would happen in this society if such assaults were even one-tenth as common as rape. Penis protection centers would have appeared in every community and enforcement of laws against such crimes would be taken far more seriously than rape is.

In focusing on counting the hits or the opinions of abusers, unqualified researchers ignore important information. If the level of female violence was similar to male violence, why isn't this reflected in emergency room visits, domestic violence homicides, murder suicides (92% committed by men) and the need for shelter? Some male supremacists have sought to undermine the work to end men's violence against women by bringing complaints and lawsuits seeking to require shelters and other domestic violence agencies to provide services for men. No one is saying that there are no cases of women assaulting or mistreating their male partners, but such behavior is rare in comparison to male perpetrated abuse. The faulty research claims we don't hear about women's abuse of men because the victims are too embarrassed to seek assistance, but the reality is that women are both embarrassed and afraid to seek assistance, but do so in large numbers because the need is real. For male supremacist groups, the need is political and designed to undermine the work to end domestic violence. Domestic violence agencies are woefully underfunded and the last thing we need is to have some of the limited funds needed to save lives diverted to the illusion that men face a similar risk.

Last year I was at a conference in Hawaii to speak about domestic violence and went to a workshop presented by two female professors who had been students of the conference organizer. They had obtained a grant and conducted research that purported to find women hit men about as often as men hit women. The women were trying to act in good faith and thought they were conducting valuable research. When they described their practices, however it turned out they went looking online for men to interview and from their description it appears they sought to find subjects from male supremacist web sites. In other words, the "research findings" are in reality a repetition of abusers' beliefs. In discussing the fact that the police failed to pursue most of these men's complaints, the professors never considered it might be because there was no evidence to support them and instead assumed it was just because the police automatically discounted allegations made by men. The professors were unaware that in contested custody cases, fathers are 16 times more likely to make false allegations of abuse and police, prosecutors and child protection agencies regularly bring false charges against battered women because they are manipulated by the abusers.

As I was a guest at the conference and did not have the courage of my NOMAS colleagues, I did not try to challenge the presentation other than one question. Instead, after the conference, I wrote the professors an email providing them with research and information about the flaws in their "research." Their response was short, polite and showed no interest in reconsidering any of their mistakes.

The fact is, as we have known all along, men continue to commit that vast majority of assaults and abuse in heterosexual relationships. There is no hidden avalanche of assaults of men by women. The media needs to be more careful about providing both sides to an issue when only one reasonable side exists. There are still those who believe the Holocaust never occurred, the earth is flat, smoking is healthy and women assault men as often as men assault women, but the falsity of these claims are so well established there is no reason to provide a forum for such misinformation. Oh, and if you should see Fido on a picket line with a sign about all the humans biting dogs, I would urge you to paws before believing it.

Barry Goldstein is a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, speaker, writer and consultant. The new book he co-edited with Mo Therese Hannah, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ABUSE and CHILD CUSTODY was just published.

OPRAH, JANE VALEZ MITCHELL AND THE NANCY GRACE SHOW!

By Cyndi Caron

I’m going to be brutally honest here.  Families of missing loved ones have a better chance of winning their state lottery, or in receiving an all expense paid trip around the world, including flights and hotel stays, than they do of getting their missing family member on those shows. 


Why?  Because for one most of what is presented has been on schedule for weeks by the producers and writers as well as the already interruptions when breaking news happens such as the devastating Haiti earthquake.  Unless there is serious foul play involved, in which your local media is constantly portraying, and the surroundings of your missing loved one includes sensationalism, such as the spouse is a suspect who has been found to be committing adultery after your loved one goes missing and more so if children involved, along with your missing “Suzy” having a pristine background, it’s highly unlikely that her status will be aired. 
Unfortunately, it’s television.  The more scandal the better chance of your “story” being aired.


When is the last time you’ve seen a missing overweight runaway teen with acne, or a missing black male teenager portrayed on a nationally syndicated news or show?  Is physical beauty a necessary requirement to capture the attention of viewers?  Or as some African Americans will say “only white missing kids make it to those shows?” 


What about missing adults? Why aren’t they portrayed? Is it due to the wrong mentality that “adults have a right to go missing?”  Yes, nationally syndicated news agencies picked up on Ohio’s “missing mom” Tiffany Tehan, but that was only after it was realized she was spotted on video cameras weeks before with a mystery male. Yes, that story was indeed picked up due to the startling fact that missing mom was seemingly becoming a “runaway mom” leaving behind a church-going husband and her infant daughter. Personally, no adult has the right to go missing unless they are willing to notify their local police agency first. They have a right to leave, but to go missing? No.

So what are the criteria and how do families of missing get their loved ones on these shows?


Let’s start off with Nancy Grace’s show.  While at times her show can be quite interesting, it is nearly always about the same case over and again with “breaking news” that happened days or even weeks ago and already known from online readers.  While Nancy “gets to the matter” and nearly asks all the questions, that you the viewer want to know, her show is really not set up to portray multiple cases in an equal amount of airtime.  Shame because from those I’ve talked with would love to see each nightly episode featuring two new missing cases each eve with no carry over, unless real breaking news exists. This could then be announced in a brief comment prior to commercial interruptions.  Course, I’m neither an executive producer nor Nancy Grace’s producer so I will leave well enough said.  On a positive note, Nancy does have a great blog online that various cases and missing loved ones are portrayed.  There have been a time or two in which I’ve seen some of our LostNMissing loved ones’ banners posted and I welcome her staff to utilize any and as many as they like at any time.  Banners are not copyright and all we ask is that they are kept intact as designed when posted.


Jane’s show, which I find has a more variety of topics, along with entire teams of professionals who voice their opinions and present updated facts to a case, is also extremely difficult to reach as producers schedule either far in advance or very near or immediate to whatever has happened the day before.  It’s unfortunate as I feel her show is probably one of the most ideal to have a variety of missing loved ones portrayed.  I invite Jane’s show to go through our website and feel free to pick and choose as many missing loved one’s banners and flash on the screen before or after the show anytime.


Oh Oprah! I don’t know what to say other than its hard to explain to family members of missing loved ones that it is nearly impossible to reach Oprah or any of her producers.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  I think as a non runner I could win the Boston Marathon before I could achieve having a missing loved one portrayed on Oprah’s show.  It doesn’t matter that I personally beat Oprah, by one place, on the Ms. Twitterworld Contest.  I came in 16th and she in 17th place.  Even though she has over a million followers, to my 4300, you can bet I celebrated…a little anyhow. Did I really beat out Oprah on Twitter? I doubt it. For one, Oprah is so spread out far and wide with her many ventures that I really wonder if it’s Oprah tweeting anyhow.  It’s my guess that one of her hundreds of “assistants” represents her.  Or could it be that she was just “too kind” to tweet her followers to vote for her? Let the “little guy” win. Either way it doesn’t matter as it was merely a silly contest. 


What does matter is what are the true criteria that I can tell crying parents, in emotional turmoil, as to why nationally syndicated shows would rather use valuable airtime listing all the mistresses of Tiger Woods and Jessie James as opposed to listing even a handful of missing loved ones? Yes, even adults who are missing have distraught and grieving parents who beg for any airtime possible for their missing child.  Ask the parents of Jeramy Carl Burt, Brian Sullivan’s mom, or the family of missing Beverly Meadows.  They would give anything to have their loved ones portrayed.  Or the grandmother of 15 year old Peyton Borden, a young black male who bolted from an Illinois courthouse in the fall of 2009 after learning that he would have to go back and live with his father in Georgia, instead of residing with his maternal grandmother since his own mom was killed in a car accident when Peyton was only 8 years old, only to never be seen again!  Perhaps talking with the family of Thomas and Jimmy Zinza would be ideal.  Two brothers, both missing years apart.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Jimmy went missing in 1992 and could be living on the streets anywhere in the US and a nationally syndicated show could literally bring about recognition.  Thomas went missing, under strange circumstances from a hotel room in PA while traveling on business from Hawaii in 2008. Imagine the turmoil their family endures, it’s incomprehensible.


I will close this with a challenge.  Which nationally syndicated show will make contact with LostNMissing to offer to portray one of the many missing loved ones that we represent who has never received their much needed national airtime? Will it be Oprah? Nancy Grace? Or the Jane Valez Mitchell show? Stay tuned as I will update in my next report.  My phone line is open.


Cynthia L. Caron 
President/Founder 
LostNMissing, Inc.
PH: 603.548.6548
www.lostnmissing.com

Where is Haleigh Cummings? Tommy Croslin is Key to Cracking Case!

 By Sheryl McCollum

With all the theories surrounding the disappearance of Haleigh Cummings – not one involves a stranger!  They all involve the same principle players: Misty Crosling, Tommy Croslin, Joe Overstreet and Ronald Cummings.

Listen to the 911 tape.  The father is NOT out looking for his child.  He makes threats, cusses at the operator, and calls Misty a bitch.  There is no doubt in his mind the child has been taken. 

Misty, during this call, can not provide a date of birth, the child's weight nor details of what happened.  She can however describe the “brick” perfectly. 

There is a van that was “moved” and had a “scratch” all the way down the side.  Every one of the players had access to the van.  They have all driven it and it would have evidence in it. 

Tommy Croslin is Misty’s brother.  He provides no information to police about Haleigh’s disappearance.  He is arrested on a matter not related to Haliegh. Suddenly, he remembers going over to the house the night she went missing.  He states he knocks on the door and no one answers.  People: he places himself at the crime scene!

Then Misty and Ronald marry.  They get separate lawyers.  Misty fails a polygraph.  Ronald is arrested for assault against Tommy.  Misty gets a TPO against Tommy.  Misty and Ronald divorce.  Misty is robbed while buying drugs.  Take time to listen to that 911 call.  She is frantic and scared.  She sounds very different than the 911 call involving Haleigh. 

Then all three, Tommy, Misty and Ronald are arrested selling and trafficking drugs!  They are working together.  Some say that Ronald only did the drug sales to stay close to Misty.  Marrying her was not close enough?  He is working undercover on his own child’s murder by selling drugs with the top suspect? They have been in jail since January on multiple charges stemming from the drug bust.

They are searching water where Tommy is known to dump deer carcass.  They took Misty to the dock where she pointed and showed law enforcement the area.  Tommy was in the police car waiting for her.  Tommy is the common factor in every situation. 

Tommy talked first. Tommy will talk again.  Time is on the side of justice.  He is the key to the truth.

Sheryl McCollum, MS
Director
Cold Case Investigative Research Institute 
 

Recovering What Was Lost

By Tanya Warrington

Recovery.  A popular word for those recovering from substance abuse, and a very appropriate word for those of us who are reclaiming what was lost from being abused. Abuse destroys so much. The abuser rips away our safety, throws aside our dignity, and pummels our self-worth. He or she intentionally takes without giving because it helps him or her get what they want, increasing his or her sense of power and pleasure. I’ve done lots of study on why abusers do what they do, but it is still difficult to understand with my heart. I just can’t fathom ever wanting to do to another the things that have been done to me. I doubt you can either. Thank goodness, our healing journey of recovering what was taken away from us does not require us to fully understand the abuser.

Each person’s recovery is unique but there are some parts of it that we all must walk through. Before we can get very far, we must acknowledge the pain and damage that we carry inside even though we’d rather not.  We’re good at shoving that pain out of sight and ignoring it. At least we think we are. But others around us still see the pain they see it when we eat too much to comfort ourselves, or we work excessive hours, or we spend more money than we have. They can see our pain in the way we are so reluctant to trust others or in the ways we try to be invisible or in the way hide behind baggy clothes. Or for some of us, we give ourselves away by the way we try to control everyone and everything so that we won’t feel powerless again, or the way we wear provocative clothing and hang around dangerous people to prove that we are the ones choosing our plight, or the way we start arguments with our abuser to get abuse out of the way for this week or day.

The pain is frightening. It feels overwhelming. If you look at it, it feels like it will be your undoing—that you’ll never stop crying or raging, or maybe both. For years, it literally felt as if my world would come to an end if I opened my Pandora’s Box of pain. I eventually opened that box anyway because the pain of continuing as I was became as big as the pain shoved away. I became willing to see where new ways would take me because the old ways weren’t serving me well. In hindsight, it is funny to see that indeed my world did end, sort of. My world of feeling worthless and trapped ended. My world of living in constant fear ended. My world of feeling helpless and hopeless ended.  And I am the better for it. Facing the memories that horrified me released me from my prison and enabled me to begin creating a world that was far better.

After the initial trauma of acknowledging what happened to you there comes a period of counting the cost. What was lost in the abuse? For all of us did indeed lose important things that we would like to recover. At first, denial and minimization try to convince us that nothing is missing or that it didn’t matter much anyway. But don’t be fooled. Yes, it hurts but it is important to see the damage. If your home was burglarized and ransacked, you would be asked to examine your home and identify what damage was done and which items were stolen. If you refused, then no one could help you to search for the lost items or to help you fix the damage. So you take a deep breath and you begin to look around. Just as burglars tend to take jewelry, money, and electronics, so too there is a list of items that abusers tend to steal. Upon examination you will probably notice that your general trust of humanity is gone. Now people are potential threats, possible abusers in hiding. The world that used to feel like a generally safe place doesn’t feel safe anymore; it feels unsafe. Your image of yourself is changed. You look in the mirror now and see someone who is too weak to prevent abuse, too dumb to recognize abusers, too foolish to earn safety. Or if not these descriptors, then some other unattractive quality is seen to be at fault. By the very nature of abuse, victims struggle with feeling guilty and responsible for the crimes committed against themselves.  It isn’t logical to the mind, but it is reality to the heart. And so we must do an inventory of our warped perceptions that point to what is missing.

Looking at what was stolen isn’t fun, but it is part of a new beginning. We discover that we can’t get was taken back from the abuser. Just as so many house burglaries and investigations do not return the original belongings. But that is not the end of the story. In real life, life goes on after the burglary. Sometimes so slowly, at first, but then, eventually, returning to normal, or more accurately a new normal. New items are purchased to replace the stolen items. New locks or gates or security systems are installed to cut down on the likelihood of a repeat performance.  All this is done not by the thief, but by the one who was stolen from. Just so, the abused one is responsible for replacing what was lost and securing boundaries to protect her or his own safety in the future. It is our job to give ourselves the good things that we lost or that our parents never even helped us have in the first place. Even people who haven’t been abused must do this work, just not as intensely and not as pervasively as an abuse victim. It can help to remember that when self-pity threatens to bog us down. We are not alone. Others have to work on their interpersonal boundaries, others need to consciously build up their self-esteem, and others need to consider safety issues. We can do the work of recovering what was lost.

Along the way, the choices we make as we go about replacing what was lost bring joy.  Living in this very moment joy. Discovering that we can make wise decisions joy. We’re growing and discovering new things that we like type of joy. Just as the burglarized victim might upgrade her sound system after a burglary and wonder why she hadn’t done so years ago is blessed, so too we can make upgrade choices that pay us back in joy for years to come. We can choose better things than those that were lost. We can choose realistic expectations with joy-filled hopes. We can choose an honest evaluation of ourselves at the present and we can choose to practice behaviors that will help us to become someone better, someone we like better. We can choose to rid our lives of abusive relationships and we can choose to fill our lives with supportive, loving relationships. We can choose so many good things for ourselves once we start choosing and find out what possibilities exist.

Healing isn’t an easy journey. Recovery is not a smooth flat road. It is bumpy and hilly. But it is more than doable. Recovery is truly possible. I know it to be true because I’ve been recovering and I’ve met many other courageous women and men who are recovering too.

If you’re already in the process of recovering, keep on going fellow sojourner. If you’ve been feeling stuck, take hope in knowing that you are not alone. Others walk in your same path. Also remember that help is always available. You can seek professional counseling or you can attend a recovery meeting or support group in your community or on the internet. If you realize that you’ve been the victim of abuse but hadn’t begun recovering, be encouraged. Just reading this article can be part of recovery. Just admitting that you were abused is part of recovery. Be strengthened and keep on trudging. There are many good books you can read, trustworthy people you can share your story with, and many available resources. You can recover.

Tanya Warrington is the author of the blog Dazzling Wings.

Vital Belief #3 for Achieving Success in 2010—Breathe

By Pamela Chapman

Here it is, April 26, 2010 already. I started out writing to you in January about five vital beliefs for achieving success this year. These last four months, I have had to hold on tight to those beliefs and also rely on the expert advice of friends, family, and associates because I’ve been in a state and a season of transition. So the advice I’m about to give you, I’ve been living. And it works.


Last year, I was introduced to a wonderful woman by the name of Ana-Christina Wadle. She is a quantum coach who has written a book called The Simple Tools of Hope. One of the tools Ana-Christina talks about is taking the time to breathe. I remember when I first read it I thought, “Breathe?” I smiled, taking her advice lightly. I forgot that one simple word of advice until I found myself totally stressed out and talking to a business coach who told me to do the same thing. “Pamela, you are working way too hard, doing way too much; you need to stop and breathe. And the bill is…”


The contributors to the Time’s Up! blog and subscribers to the Time’s Up! Searching Out Solutions for Victims are busy people: many are advocates, and many are activists. We take care of our families, clients, and customers, and we fight for our cause. “Transition and change” is our motto; healing is our calling. We take care of people during the emergencies of life. Oftentimes, we are so caught up with helping others and changing our world that we forget to take care of ourselves.


I’m sure almost every one of you has flown on a plane. You know that before that plane takes off, a friendly attendant tells you what you must do in case of an emergency. If there is a sudden loss of altitude, the oxygen masks will be released from the overhead bins. You are supposed to place the mask over your nose and mouth and pull on the yellow tabs to release the flow of oxygen. If you are traveling with a child, you should place the mask over your nose and mouth first. If you are a parent, this seems to go against every paternal instinct you have. 


Oxygen, or breathing, ensures that the brain keeps thinking, the heart keeps beating, the cells release energy, and the vital parts of our body function correctly. It is amazing how we breathe 24/7 without any thought about the process. It is also amazing how we breathe so badly during our conscious moments—so fast and furious that it is almost hyperventilating at times. Notice your breathing now. What is it like? Is it quick and shallow or is it deep and deliberate? Your breathing correlates with how you are feeling and how you are functioning. 


Stop right now with me. Yes, that’s correct, stop right now, and practice breathing. Take a slow deep breath, feeling your lungs expand to their fullness, then exhale, feeling the warm air flowing from your nostrils exiting into the atmosphere. Feel your chest sinking inward. You might go one step further and take a deeper breath, pushing out your stomach, expanding your lungs until they feel like they might explode, holding your breath to the count of three, slowing exhaling, releasing, and sinking in your stomach, and pressing all the air out of your lungs. 


If you are doing this while you’re reading, you will notice a sudden shift if you are doing it correctly. The room surrounding you will appear slightly different; you will have seemed to settle and be more relaxed and at peace. You might even feel a little lightheaded. If that happens, an actual physiological change has occurred. You will now be more focused, and your priorities will be clear. You will also feel energized, restored, and a little more balanced—able to make a greater difference in our universe or pursue your cause with more direction and vigor.


You may not feel like a happy-go-lucky, everything-is-beautiful person right now. You are under stress. Some of you choose your stress, but many of you are thrown into (dis)stress. If you remember to take just a few seconds to breathe correctly, once or twice during your hectic day, you will be more balanced, you will feel healthier, and you will certainly accomplish more. 

I believe if you want to be successful in 2010, making the choice to take the time to breathe correctly is vital. May the peace of God that passes all understanding guard both your heart and mind.


In love, light, and healing,
Pamela Chapman

Predator Coaches - Sex Abuse in Girls’ Sports is Growing.

By Cherry Simpson

Dozens of predator coaches banned: report AFP) – Apr 9, 2010

There is a growing trend of sex abuse by coaches in the world of girls’ sports that is being compared (in numbers of victims) to what happened in the Catholic Church. Why haven’t we heard more about these coaches that prey until recently? What should we look for and what can we do to stop it? I fear the stories linked here are only the tip of an iceburg heading right toward our children.

Oak Harbor swim coach convicted of rape featured Friday on national TV

Recently I watched a 20/20 Interview on USA Swimming Coaches sexually molesting teenagers in their care. Exposure of the teen molestation scandal has resulted in as many as 35 swimming coaches being banned from the USA swimming organization over the past ten years for molestation and child sex abuse.

20/20 asks what happens when these coaches are caught?

I was disturbed to find out not much was being done to stop this from happening, and it appears to have been a growing trend for some time. According to a series of articles done in 2003 by The Seattle Times entitled “Coaches that Prey: The Abuse of Girls and the System” it’s the dark side of the growing world of girls sports. Take a good look at this series; it has everything, what to look for, actual cases, charts and statistics. It's a real eye opener. It isn’t just the USA Swimming organizations who have this problem of coaches molesting young female atheletes, it’s every girls sport.

Coaches have a sort of celebrity status among young impressionable female athletes. The bond between a coach and a young girl is strong and coaching is ripe for sexual misconduct. Coaches work with athletes for long hours, some for years, in settings like locker rooms and out-of-town tournaments. Coaches tell them what to eat, how to train and even with whom to be friends.

What can parents do to make sure this doesn’t happen to their daughter’s? The Seattle Times includes a solutions page entitled “How parents can spot trouble before it's too late” It offers good advice for spotting trouble before it begins. The red flag list includes: long inappropriate full body hugs, rides home, out of town trips, inappropriate text messages, phone conversations, coaches who jump from team to team, or if your daughter suddenly wants to quit or change schools.

Parents need to be wary and diligent in protecting their children especially at such a critical impressionable age of development. Parents need to speak up if they see any inappropriate behavior. Robin Sax writes about what to do in her book Predators and Child Molesters: A Sex Crimes D.A. Answers 100 Of The Most Asked Questions If just one child is molested it will effect many.

Think for a moment, a girl of the age of 13 is seen kissing her coach, other young girls can and will begin to see this behavior as acceptable, if left unchecked. A coach who will sexually abuse one looks for other vulnerable girls. Although there are a few cases of women coaches, the vast majority of cases involved male coaches and girls.

The demand of quality coaches in girls’ sports has grown steadily since the 1970’s. When Congress passed the U.S. Gender-Equity Law (Title 9) which led to a boom in female sports participation. This created an insatiable need for coaches, most of whom are men.

Parents often ignore the warning signs of sexual misconduct. Some parents may suspect abuse and do little to stop it, trusting the coaches while doubting their children.

In this era of one-parent families many look to sports as a way to help their children build self-esteem. Many offenders are not reported and not punished instead they are left to molest girls again and again. There is even less oversight in private sports organizations, some are even known to hire felons. The soccer fields are full of young girls, and there are coaches that love to prey upon them. There are schools hiring coaches despite knowing thier past.

Misconduct often goes unpunished.

North Carolina schools found that the No. 1 reason for dismissal of a coach — accounting for 1 in every 5 firings — was not a team’s poor performance on the field, but the coach’s sexual relationship with a student.

ESPN: Sex abuse pervasive in USA Swimming

Brooke Taflinger exposed this sex scandal. Her parents identified her from the videos. Their lives have forever been changed.

Brian Hindson of Kokomo, IN, was discovered to have secretly taped teenage girls he coached in two high school pool locker rooms. The perverted coach would even send the unsuspecting young teens into a "special" shower room where he had a hidden camera inside a locker. A woman in North Carolina, who had purchased his computer on EBay, found a video clip. It showed a girl in a locker room appearing to be filmed although she was not aware of it. The woman notified the FBI. The agents then searched Hindson’s home. There they discovered additional footage as well as a large selection of child pornography. Hindson has since been sentenced to 33 years in a federal prison.

One of his victims, Sarah Rutkowski, 21, expressed concern wondering where the videos ended up and how many there might be. She questions if they are on the internet or if Hindson just used them for his personal use. Rutkowski was filmed when she was 12 or 13 years old.

ESPN, along with ABC News reported this story and will air its own show on the swimming scandals May 2 on Outside the Lines.

Take time out today and speak to your children about inappropriate behavior by anyone in authority. The list in The Seattle Times is a good one and can be applied to teachers, pastors, coaches, and anyone who may have the opportunity to molest your child.

Never be afraid to do the right thing. The right thing is never easy. But you can stop a great wrong from being done, again and again and again.

One of the most important jobs a parent has is being your child’s PROTECTOR

Images from "A Rogue's Gallery of Swim Coaches" on ABC.com

Fair and Balanced News Coverage? I Don't Think So!

By Susan Murphy Milano

Last weekend Oscar winners Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx attended the Jenesse Center’s Silver Rose Gala in Beverly Hills, which works to help families who suffer from domestic violence. Unless you watched TMZ or access Hollywood on television you likely missed the fact that star power was working towards brining awareness to this national epidemic. The event did not appear on CNN , Fox News or any mainstream media.

As we know Intimate partner violence knows no bounds, and this includes those from the gay and lesbian community and men who are also victims. But the hard reality is that 98% of women in a stalking or domestic violence related relationship are the ones who are not only affected, but they are the gender with more headstones in grave yards than those that lost their lives during the Vietnam War.

“It’s important for everyone who has a voice, who has a chance to have global or national spotlight to use that voice for good,” said Halle Berry.

But I liked what Jamie Foxx said as he spoke on what he feels is a double standard in the way some men approach the issue, saying “A lot of times you see the split. You see people try to make excuses for guys’ behavior. And it’s not fair and it’s not right.” The actor nailed it.





We are seeing a double standard in the way the “country” approaches the issue from first responders, judges, the courts turning a deaf ear to the media who often writes what I term the “glorified killer” obituary. That’s when a media related article on the tragedy appears mentioning the person who was killed and goes on to write “what a great person or family man” this bozo was to slaughtered their loved ones. Or if the person suspected of the crime does not commit suicide remaining alive, the media often writes about the alleged killer’s mental state, frame of mind or quotes a family member saying “they are innocent” because the person would do nothing to harm anyone.


Those family members need to wake up and get their head from out of their respective behinds.


A classic example is the case of Sandra Viramontes, 30, of Chicago, who was beaten and bruised covering 90 percent of her body. No one could say for sure how many hours she was unconscious before her mother received a call from her son-in-law saying her daughter needed medical attention back in January of 2010.

When the mother walked in to her daughter’s home Luis Viramontes, the son-in-law was gone in his place a relative who stood by and did nothing until the mother shouted to call 911. But it was too late.

At the hospital a trauma doctor informed the family “they had never seen anybody get a beating like that before.” Sandra’s had been beaten and bruised over 90 percent of her body. After the doctors ran tests the family was told her injuries were not survivable and two weeks later while in her mother’s she was taken off life support.

My question is how the hell was this bozo allowed bail in the first place? Her condition was critical and she was not going to survive her injuries. Maybe the judge who set his bond did not consider Luis, "oh so gentle" as dangerous.

This is a classic case of senseless and ignorant denial. It makes my skin crawl when I read comments made by members or friends of a killer’s family, “he always been real gentle.” Another comment as if to set the tone when this case goes to trial, “Luis couldn’t sleep or he cried nonstop.” Was this before during and after the beating? Or was it only when this cowardly individual realized he’d better have a few witnesses to testify as to his acting out the part of showing remorse for murdering his wife and the mother of his two young children? He probably thought it all out and carefully deciding what he would tell the person who will represent him that he lost control or it was an accident he had no intention of hurting her. The defense attorney will respond something like “I’ll talk to the State and see if we can get the charges reduced to manslaughter or second degree murder. Or maybe he’ll get his client a deal. You know so he will not have to spend the rest of his life in prison.
Part of the solution is for families, even those of the person committing the violence to speak up and step to the plate when they sense or know a family member is hurting a loved one. Another important component to this epidemic is for the mainstream media to report these incidents of violence and bloodshed with the same fire power they cover politics issues that affect everyday Americans’.

It is then, that we will have a level playing field for everyone affected by intimate partner violence to understand the cause, the solution and possibly the ability to prevent the bloodshed because the issue is out in the forefront. Instead of hiding this epidemic behind closed doors swept under the rug no different than those whom are suffering and entering cemeteries in silence.


"Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, "TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS"

Aunt Vera and the Would-be Carjacker

By Angela Dove 

When my great-aunt Vera married to my grandfather’s younger brother, my family grew substantially more interesting. Vera is a woman with her own style. She’s worn fishnet stocking since she was in her 20s (circa 1945) and has the same sunglasses—green lenses in a swooping, cat-eye style—that she purchased at the local soda fountain and drug store in the 1960s. She dresses in fashionable suits (straight skirt and matching jacket) year round, always neatly accented with some sort of gold brooch and matching earrings.


Born and raised in southern Virginia, Vera is a dab hand with a rifle and once shot a snake out of a giant oak. “The dang thing was after some robin eggs,” she explained to me once over potato salad at a family reunion. “You see, when a bird nests in my oak tree, I sorta feel responsible for it.” She stabbed her plastic fork in the air to underscore each word: “No snake gets after my birds.”


Vera’s husband, my great-uncle Clyde, gets her a new convertible every year—always the latest model, always tricked out to the nines. And as she’s aged, the sight of Vera’s set and curl covered in a snug scarf, and her tinted cat glasses peeking above the steering wheel in her convertible, has attracted an increasing amount of attention. Not always the good kind.


My fondness for Aunt Vera is made all the stronger by an incident she weathered several years ago. South central Virginia is experiencing the worst recession anyone there can remember. The textile mills are gone, as are most of the furniture factories. Downtown buildings may as well be covered in funeral shrouds. And of course, crime has increased. On one particular summer evening, Vera happened to be stopped at a downtown traffic light in one when a group of hoodlums (her word) started making cat calls to her from the sidewalk by a boarded building. She watched the light nervously, hoping it would change. The intersection was completely deserted. One of the young men noticed her nervousness, and it acted on him like catnip to tom. He walked toward her car, his friends egging him on from the side of the street.


“You gotta sweet ride there, granny,” he called out to her.


Vera pursed her lips and kept staring straight ahead. However, she let one hand slip down the steering wheel and down to her fishnet stockings.


“In fact,” the man continued with a grin, “I’d say that’s too much car for an old woman like you.”
He had reached her car door now. She saw him glance around. There were still no other cars, and the light insisted on staying red. He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a knife. There was a click and the blade extended smoothly from its handle. He smiled, loving the power he was exerting over her.


“So what I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna open this door, and you’re gonna get out, and I’m gonna have myself one fine automobile.”


Aunt Vera brought up her own hand, pointing her pistol directly into the man’s face. “No. What I’m gonna do is watch you get your d--n hand off my car, and walk back over there to your lowlife friends. And then I’m gonna drive away as soon as this light turns green, and I’m gonna go to the police station. Then I reckon they’ll be here directly.”


The man was already backing away. His friends had scattered.
“Vera,” I said to her, my congealed salad and overboiled green beans completely forgotten. “That was dangerous! What if one of those guys had a gun?”


She chuckled and raised her Dixie cup of iced tea toward me in a salute. “Nothin says crazy like an old woman in a nice car holding a pistol.”


To be sure, I don’t endorse Vera’s actions that day as the best possible solution. She was lucky to come out of the situation. But I do applaud her pluck and her determination not to be a statistic on the area’s annual crime report. And she continues to be my favorite dining companion at the annual family reunion.
***


Angela Dove is an award-winning humor columnist and the author of the true crime memoir No Room for Doubt: A true story of the reverberations of murder (Berkley/Penguin, 2009). She welcomes feedback atwww.AngelaDove.com

Time’s Up from an Unexpected Perspective

By Charles Moncrief

Billy called me just seven weeks after taking his wedding vows. “Glenda left me, and there’s a note on the kitchen table.” He read the note to me. Glenda claimed that she and her children could no longer take Billy’s abusive behavior. They left while he was at work, and they left with most if not all of their belongings.

The incident was twenty years ago. I remember it now, because Glenda followed some of the steps mentioned in Time’s Up, a recently published book by Susan Murphy Milano (ImaginePublicity, Surfside Beach, SC).
At the 50,000 ft level the book shows Susan’s heart for those in abusive domestic relationships, and it provides a resource for them to make a safe escape from those prisons. Glenda followed only a few of the principles in her midday departure from Billy, and doubtless she could have benefited from Susan’s book if it had been available. Things worked out for Glenda, but they don’t always. And in the two decades since then, it’s sad that such a resource as Time’s Up was not yet available. The pieces were there, but to me this is the first time they’re all in one place. I’m also encouraged by two additional facts. The first is that the book is in an on-demand issue state, which means that outdated links and contact information can be replaced without going through a whole new printing. And the second is that plans are being worked out to put the how-to information onto a compact memory device, such as a flash drive or whatever the technology evolves into, for abuse victims to carry with them.

I’ve read and heard glowing reviews of Susan’s book, so my purpose in writing this article is not to write another such review. Instead, allow me to refer back to my conversation with Billy. We have been friends for more than thirty years, and because of our relationship his phone call surprised me for no other reason than its having come after only seven weeks. The tie-in to Susan’s book is found in the first chapter, in which she profiles an abuser and gives characteristics of different types of abuse. While I’ve long been aware of these things in concept, Susan has put both flesh and substance on them. We’ve heard of divorces claiming mental cruelty, but thanks to Susan we’re now moving from the abstract to more specifics.

While the public perception of domestic abuse is generally “wife-beating,” Susan doesn’t let us off the hook; she gives names to various forms of abuse: emotional, physical, sexual, and financial. She also describes other tactics such as intimidation, isolation, and dangerous threats. But she doesn’t stop there, which gets to the heart of my purpose in writing this article. Let me take a sample from the first chapter. The number in parentheses following each type of abuse is the number of examples to describe it and to indicate the amount of thought that has gone into the preparation. There’s obviously overlap, and I’d expect the number and descriptions to change over time. I’ve included only one each, and not necessarily the best choice.

Emotional Abuse (9)

• They intentionally say things to embarrass you in front of others. They make remarks about your appearance or belittle you. They talk over you if you are engaged in conversation, or consistently contradict you in an effort to discredit you, or make you feel stupid.

Intimidation (6)

• They use “those looks” or the inflection in their voice to illicit fear.

Isolation (6)

• They attempt to limit outside activities such as visiting family, getting involved with your children’s school, community functions, or attending religious services.

Financial Abuse (7)

• They spend money on toys like motorcycles, stereo equipment, new cars, and clothes, while you are forced to ask for money from friends or family to buy a needed item, perhaps a birthday gift for your child, or money for food, because “you could not make it work.”

Physical Abuse (10+)

• Carrying out all types of threats against you

Sexual Abuse (17)

• Demands you perform when they tell you

Dangerous Threats (15)

• Tells you they will ruin and destroy you if you ever breathe a word to anyone

What I believe Susan never intended was that this book would also be useful to an abuser! No, not as a defensive resource, but as a reality check.

The pages that call out the types of abuse, and the profile of an abuser, are excellent reading for anyone in a domestic relationship. (For what follows, if you’re being abused in a domestic relationship, this does not apply to you.)
It would do each of us a lot of good to lay aside our preconceived notions and prejudices regarding the categories, and to interpret them in their broadest possible context. We can then use the lists as a mirror into our own souls.
For example, how often have I embarrassed my wife in a group setting? I think Henny Youngman made famous the expression “Take my wife. . . Please!” Maybe it’s not such great stand-up comedy anymore. In my own profession it’s almost legendary how many preachers illustrate their sermons with some anecdote about their wives. (We’re going through a process of learning NOT to do this.)

How many times have we feigned emotion, or given our wives “the silent treatment,” to impose our wills on them? (Notice I’m not going to say much about how women use tears as an intimidation tactic; this is more legend than fact -- I think.)

I do intend to present Susan’s book to colleagues in the ministry, and to my police and firefighter friends. Where appropriate, I intend to present the profile and abuse-type sections separately in marital and premarital counseling sessions.
To conclude, I want to say:
Thanks, Susan! Hopefully, you won’t consider this use of your book as too much of a surprise.

Grace and Peace,

Charles+